WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-03-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On the alleged sexual affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when she was 15 years old: “Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors.” (Jay Leno)

This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night..(Pedro Bartes)

Prince William’s image may be hurt by his recent antics with a military helicopter. A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines, who is not taking his stint in the military seriously? Thank goodness that could never happen here in America. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly. (Craig Ferguson)

The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to their local gas station. (Jake Novak)

Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there’s a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food? (Jay Leno)

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along. (Argus Hamilton)

Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress. (Pedro Bartes)

JEREMIAH WRIGHT

I guess you heard, Barack Obama’s former pastor, Reverend Wright, is now traveling the country trying to explain those controversial remarks he made in some of his sermons. And even Barack Obama is starting to admit it’s hurting his campaign. In fact, you know what Barack Obama did today to distract reporters from Reverend Wright? He went bowling again. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright ignited a furor in Washington Monday. He said the U.S. invented AIDS to kill black people and the U.S. deserved the World Trade Center attack. Telling some guys to be yourself is the worst advice you can give them. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright claimed Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out all black people. Absolutely no one wants to hear this. Jeremiah Wright is so annoying he’s got white people demanding reparation payments for slavery. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack’s former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, the guy is everywhere. He’s everywhere now. In fact, next week, he’s making a guest appearance on “How I Met Your Mother.” Did you know that? He’s playing the secretary. No, he’s making speeches. He’s on the radio. And Reverend Wright says he’d rather just go home and retire, but the money Hillary is paying him is so good. (Jay Leno)

The Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die. You know, they’re trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the wedding of President Bush’s daughter, he’s gonna be the minister. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Wait, you can do that with someone?” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama spoke today about the need to send a man into space. The man he wants to send? The Reverend Jeremiah Wright. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said in a speech yesterday, he now officially repudiates the Reverend Wright. To which President Bush said, “Repudiate. That’s like a black word, right?” I don’t think he gets it. Like ebonics, I think. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama divorced himself from his minister Jeremiah Wright on Tuesday. The minister baptized the candidate twenty years ago. It wouldn’t be the last time that guys with Arab middle names had their heads held underwater by men who talked to G-d. (Argus Hamilton)

Hey, did you know this? It was 219 years ago today [when] George Washington took office as our first president. And John McCain said, “Has it been 219 years already? How time flies! Where does the time go?” See, I know he’s watching tonight. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton ran an ad in North Carolina Monday vowing to force oil companies to use excess profits to research alternative fuels. It could win the War on Terror. If we can turn rice and wheat into gasoline like we’ve done with corn, in two growing seasons al-Qaeda will hand over Osama bin Laden in exchange for a Happy Meal. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised ten million dollars from eighty thousand new donors on Wednesday. Rush Limbaugh told his listeners to stop sending her money. If Hillary had beaten Barack any harder, it would have looked like an LAPD training film. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said, “Anytime, anywhere,” and she would even meet him “in the back of a truck.” Which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton. (Conan O’Brien)

Now that Hillary has the big comeback win in Pennsylvania, she’s getting a little cocky. She’s now saying that if she gets that 3 a.m. phone call she’s gonna let it go to voice mail. (David Letterman)

Today, John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. He’s in Florida. Yeah, McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him “the Kid.” His charming youthfulness amuses them. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama is on a tour, of places he’d like to forget, like his church. It’s never your enemies that kill you. It’s always your friends, isn’t it? (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is taking a lot of heat right now, with the economy. President Bush has just been accused of trying to avoid questions about the economy. Because during yesterday’s press conference, he told a reporter that she looked good in yellow and then asked about her baby. Even more embarrassing for Bush, the reporter was Wolf Blitzer. (Conan O’Brien)

There are nine months left in office for President Bush, and he’s keeping very busy. Today, he held a press conference to talk about the economy. It was a solid press conference for the president, he pronounced the word stimulus correctly almost every single time. He wouldn’t come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn’t care that much anymore. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC. President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn’t know the song, “The Wheels on the Bus. They go ’round and ’round.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn’t that give you “duh?” (Jay Leno)

Have you noticed, since oil prices went up, Dick Cheney hasn’t had one heart attack? (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

The Senate unanimously resolved Wednesday that Republican presumptive candidate John McCain is eligible to be US president even though he was born abroad, in the Panama Canal Zone. They took the decision considering the fact that today’s economy makes America look like a Banana Republic anyway. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress has passed a law making it illegal to discriminate against people because of their genes. The good news is that now you can’t be rejected for health insurance. The bad news is that you can get arrested for refusing to date an ugly person. (Scott Witt)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court ruled Monday states can require voters to show a photo ID at the polls. That’s no problem here in the land of fake licenses for Mexicans who want to drive and actors who want to be younger. Three ID’s means you can vote three times. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

New York Gov. David Paterson, who in the first two weeks in office has admitted to having a number of extramarital affairs and doing drugs, now says that he will no longer talk about his personal life. Well thank God he made the decision before he said anything embarrassing. (Jay Leno)

Of the 53 girls taken by Texas authorities from that LDS compound, 31 have given birth or are pregnant. About the same as the cast of The View.” (Bob Mills)

Ohio Republican State Representative Joy Padgett has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of American flags made in a foreign country. These family value, evangelical-courting pseudo-patriots just aren? t happy unless they’re wrapped in a flag made in the good ol? USA. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

The New York Restaurant Association is appealing a city ordinance that will require the posting of calorie counts of all menu items. If this is allowed, they claim, the next thing you know, hookers will have to post their STDs. (Bob Mills)

50% or the Los Angeles work force is now made up of immigrants. They are characterized by being unskilled labor with little or no grasp of the English language. Pretty much like the average high school student. (Jim Barach)

Las Vegas, NV — This gambling capital leads the nation in plummeting home prices, dipping a startling 28% in the past 12 months. Some developers are so desperate to unload new tract homes, they’re throwing in complimentary country club memberships, golf carts and a free hooker for a year. (Bob Mills)

The New York Public Library will be renamed after billionaire Steve Schwarzman after he gave the library a hundred million dollars. That’s all it took to get a world landmark named for him. Next, the Statue of Liberty will be known as Donald Trump’s Fourth Wife. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in federal prison Thursday for failing to file income taxes for six years. The sentence came as a shock. He was on track to receive probation and then he said he didn’t have time to read the judge’s screenplay. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY

The Bush administration wants our nation’s 80 million recreational boaters to help fight terrorism by watching out for small boats that could deliver a nuclear bomb. Well, that should work out well, huh? You got a bunch of beer-drinking fishermen in bass boats with rifles. What could go wrong there? (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The Federal Reserve is expected to cut interest rates today, which should make it easier for Americans to borrow money to buy gas. (Jake Novak)

The White House announced Sunday the rebate checks will be mailed earlier than expected. It couldn’t be easier. You have the option of either having the six-hundred-dollar check mailed to you or having the money deposited directly in your gas station. (Argus Hamilton)

Gas prices have hit $3.50 a gallon in some places. Oil companies are trying to soften the blow to consumers. Chevron plans to add an extra minute to the air and water machine. (Alan Ray)

McCain is calling for a gas tax holiday. Fuel economy is not his only concern when it comes to automobiles in America. He would also like to be able to see over the steering wheel. (Alan Ray)

And this week, the government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600, plus $300 for every child you have. That means so far, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have taken in over $44,000. Pretty nice. (Jay Leno)

THE MILITARY

Coalition combat commanders report that US troops who needed a waiver for past criminal convictions to enlist are promoted faster than those without police records. Makes sense. When engaged in an illegal enterprise, it? s always best to go with experience. (Bob Mills)

AFRICA

Congo police arrested a dozen tribal sorcerers for using black magic to shrink men’s penises or make them disappear. This is wrong. These witch doctors should be extradited to the United States right away and hired as House and Senate chaplains. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The April issue of Men’s Health magazine says Madison, Wisconsin, is the U. S. city with the healthiest teeth. Dentists in Madison, Wisconsin, say wearing cheese on your head instead of chewing it really cuts down on cavities. (Patrick Gorse)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

And boy, it was hot this weekend. You know what makes it really uncomfortable? It’s not the heat. It’s not even the humidity. It’s just Al Gore going, “I told you so! I told you so!’ (Jay Leno)

In fact, it was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate, just so she could get the cold shoulder. (Jay Leno)

Scientists say a large earthquake could hit California by the year 2037. They also said that it may snow in Minnesota. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Roger Clemens is denying he has had a 10-year-affair with country star Mindy McCready that started when she was 15 and he was 28. When asked if the relationship was platonic, Clemens said, “No, it happened here on Earth.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens who allegedly started a 10 year affair with Mindy McCready the country singer when she was 15 and he was 28 is the winner of th “Cy Really Young” award. (Jay Leno)

Jose Canseco was questioned by federal investigators about his latest charges in a new book. So far he’s been right about everything. Federal investigators want to ask Jose Canseco if Iran is making weapons-grade uranium or just developing nuclear power. (Argus Hamilton)

The Dallas Cowboys traded up in the NFL draft. They swapped a guy who gets out of jail in a year for a guy who gets out of jail in six months. (Patrick Gorse)

The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. It’s an annual ritual that is truly symbolic of American culture. The rich owner watching earns a million dollars. The participant doing all the work gets fed hay. (Alan Ray)

Police are investigating claims by soccer star Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel. A soccer star hiring a transvestite? This brings an ugly meaning to heading a ball. (Alex Kaseberg)

Major League Baseball announced ticket prices for the All-Star Game in Yankee Stadium. They’ll cost seven hundred and fifty dollars apiece. As soon as the government started sending out rebate checks the price of everything went up six hundred dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

The Tennessee Titans reportedly agreed Wednesday to trade suspended cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys. In three years, he had eight altercations with police. He will fill the team’s current vacancy in the Michael Irvin chair in criminology. (Argus Hamilton)

Formula One racing president Max Mosley vowed to clear his name Monday after he was videotaped at home in London being beaten by five women dressed up as German soldiers. He should come to the states. He’d enjoy running in the Democratic primaries. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

The latest version of the “Grand Theft Auto” video game hits stores today. In this edition, gas is actually more expensive than the drugs. (Jake Novak)

Iron Man” is out. Industrialist Tony Stark creates a suit of armor that a barrage of bullets bounces off. He never knows when he might run into the NYPD.

CELEBRITIES

Miley Cyrus posed semi-nude for famed photographer Annie Leibovitz in the June issue of Vanity Fair. She held a satin sheet to her chest, exposing her back. No one can believe that Hannah Montana turned into Hannah Idaho before her sixteenth birthday. (Argus Hamilton)

The 15-year-old star of Disney series Miley Cyrus posed seminude for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. Fathers all over America were infuriated with the Disney star; now mothers all over the country will know why they insist so much in being the ones to take the kids to the Hannah Montana’s concerts..(Pedro Bartes)

Vanity Fair will publish semi-nude photos of fifteen-year-old Disney star Miley Cyrus in June. The magazine expects the issue to break sales records. Barack Obama said working-class Americans always turn to child pornography whenever they’re bitter. (Argus Hamilton)

Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in prison for tax evasion and Snipes has requested to do the time in New Jersey, or as that known in legal terms: pleading insanity. (Alex Kaseberg)

Mindy McCready admitted Monday she had an affair with Roger Clemens, whom she met when she was fifteen. She may have to testify during his defamation lawsuit. He swears he didn’t have sex with her when she was fifteen but Annie Leibovitz has the pictures. (Argus Hamilton)

Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman died at the age of one hundred and two Wednesday, famed for inventing LSD. The hallucinogenic had differing effects on Baby Boomers. Some took LSD and saw wild colors while others took the drug and saw weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

Richard Pryor’s widow announced Thursday she will auction off the late comedian’s dental plate on eBay to raise money for animal rights. In a way, it’s a public service. It’s a lesson to young people worldwide that doing cocaine will ruin your teeth. (Argus Hamilton)

Mel Brooks will reportedly bring his classic movie Blazing Saddles to Broadway next year. It’s about an urbane black cowboy who brings law and order to an all-white town in the Old West which comes to love him. It was Hillary’s favorite movie until about a year ago. (Argus Hamilton)

David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on ‘Oprah’ – 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he’s starved himself, he’s gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, “See, it’s not torture. It’s magic.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The world’s biggest cruise liner will have a New York Style Central Park on board for passengers to walk around. To keep New York passengers from getting homesick, it will be littered with hypodermic needles and authentic park flashers and panhandlers. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Because of supply concerns, Sam’s Club is now limiting rice sales at its stores to 4 bags per customer. They are making it up for it, however, by increasing the limit on sales of Cheetos to 15 tons per visit. (Jake Novak)

Oil companies wanted to offer their top execs a choice — multi-million-dollar stock options or free weekly gas tank fill-ups — but found that the fill-ups would be too expensive. (Scott Witt)

POLLS & STUDIES

A poll released yesterday by the Kaiser Family Foundation said that many Americans are getting married just for the health insurance benefits, which comes in handy when the marriage goes sour and they start beating each other..(Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

Belle Plaine, MINN — Thinking he was aiming at a turkey, Anthony Klaseus accidentally shot his eight year old son. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that guns don’t kill people, fathers who can’t tell the difference between a small boy and a turkey kill people. (Bob Mills)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

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