WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-10-08

There will not be an issue of Humerus News next week.

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to a new survey by the Pew Social and Demographic Trends Project, more Americans would rather have more free time than money. If the economy continues slowing, their wish will be granted pretty soon. (Pedro Bartes)

The slowing U.S. economy has led to the most significant drop in illegal aliens coming in from Mexico since 9/11. Who knew that President Bush’s immigration policy revolved around starting a depression? (Jim Barach)

I was thinking about this, and I’m no political genius. I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)

Jenna Bush gets married on Saturday. It’ll be a very small wedding. The president has only invited his supporters. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. government plans to help Iraq build a mega shopping complex in downtown Baghdad. Security will be a factor. It’ll bring new meaning to the phrase “shop ’til you drop.” (Alan Ray)

A new poll suggests that George W. Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, to what Bush said: “Number 1 baby, number 1!!!” (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn’t do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They’ve discovered a way to make a human being absolutely invisible. All you have to do is run for president as a Republican. (Patrick Gorse)

President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don’t want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can’t, of course, anymore. (Jay Leno)

Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn’t have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator. (Argus Hamilton)

Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind. (Bob Mills)

The Yankees yesterday placed Alex Rodriguez on the disabled list. It’s actually the first time since 2000 that the third baseman has been inactive. Well, other than the playoffs. (Janice Hough)

President Bush’s popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama told some people in North Carolina Monday that if he becomes the president, he will build a basketball court inside the White House. I always thought there was already one because Bill Clinton always bragged about all the times he scored at the White house. (Pedro Bartes)

Very tough night for Hillary Clinton, as you’re aware. Hillary Clinton says she isn’t dropping out, ’cause there are still six states that haven’t had their Democratic primary. That’s right. Barack Obama’s favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial. (Conan O’Brien)

Yeah, not looking good for Hillary. Today, even Yogi Berra said, It’s over.” (Jay Leno)

One thing about getting eliminated on ‘American Idol,’ you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won’t. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she’s still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house. (Jimmy Kimmel)

How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who walks into a Circuit City and asks, “Do you have typewriter ribbon?” (David Letterman)

Rush Limbaugh took credit for Hillary Clinton’s Indiana win Tuesday. It evened out. All the Limbaugh people who crossed over from the GOP to vote for Hillary were canceled out by all the dead people who crossed over from Chicago to vote for Barack. (Argus Hamilton)

McCain heard some boos while attending a Mets vs. Diamondbacks game. Afterwards he told reporters that it brought back fond memories of watching the lions and the Christians in the stands as a boy with his dad. (Bob Mills)

John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He’s just wandering around. John McCain’s wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain’s wife denied this, and stated, “What I said is, I’ve tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it’s nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the superdelegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that’s going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama, but if Obama wins, there’s going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think, now more than ever, we need a President Oprah. (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Today at the White House, President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, “This is a great day for all Malarians.” (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush has called for $77 Million in food aid around the world. Apparently it is leftovers that never quite made it to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. (Jim Barach)

John McCain says that President Bush was not responsible for the “Mission Accomplished” banner on the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln in 2003. McCain says Bush could never spell “Mission” or “Accomplished”. (Jim Barach)

Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend in a simple ceremony in Crawford Texas. The president is expected to walk his daughter to the altar and give her to the groom while the secret service unveils the banner that reads “Mission accomplished.” (Pedro Bartes)

Jenna Bush said during an interview that she always wanted to marry a Republican, because of the moral values, the political compatibility and because they are guaranteed to be together forever because as a Republican he probably doesn’t have an exit strategy. (Pedro Bartes)

Best wishes to President Bush’s daughter, Jenna. She’s getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they’ll have something old and something blue. (Jay Leno)

Hey, President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There’ll be 200 guests at the wedding, which, according the latest polls, means that 140 of those people at the wedding disapprove of the job President Bush is doing. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Lynne Cheney offered Meredith Vieira of The Today’s Show a tour of the Vice President’s residence. Meredith pointed out that the kitchen is located in the basement, apparently because Dick Cheney doesn’t want people snooping around while he cooks his famous roasted puppies. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

Congress has passed a law making it illegal to discriminate against people because of their genes. The good news is that now you can’t be rejected for health insurance. The bad news is that you can get arrested for refusing to date an ugly person. (Scott Witt)

Washington, DC — Citing the rising cost of copper, zink and nickel, Congress will examine the practicality of using steel to make US coins. Makes sense on several levels. Troops in Iraq who lack adequate body armor could stuff their pockets with nickels. (Bob Mills)

Rep. Vito J. Fossella (R-N.Y.) was arrested overnight in Alexandria and charged with driving while intoxicated, court records showed Thursday. Apparently, lately, politicians and celebrities are the only ones that can afford
both gas and booze to drink and drive at the same time. (Pedro Bartes)

A New York congressman, Vito Fossella, said he fathered a child in an extramarital affair right after his arrest for drunk driving. Drunk driving and a child out-of-wedlock? Compared to the current and ex-governors in that area who are using drugs, hookers and having gay three-ways, this Vito guy is a family values icon. .

THE STATES

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, he’s the one accused of groping a woman in a Las Vegas parking lot while drunk. The guy’s the governor, by the way. But he’s filed for divorce. He’s now trying to evict his wife from the Governor’s Mansion. He’s trying to kick her out. Yeah. And he told the press, “You know what it’s like when a woman just won’t get the hint and leave?” To which Barack Obama said, “Tell me about it!” (Jay Leno)

South Bend, IN — Poll worker Sister Julie McGuire had to turn away fellow nuns from Saint Mary’s Convent because they lacked photo ID’s. Best the gals could come up with were expired VIP passes to “Club Vatican.” (Bob Mills)

Texas has allocated $1 million to eradicate feral hogs that cause an estimated $50 million in crop damage yearly. That’s the most Texas has spent on pig removal since they got rid of Tom DeLay. (Bob Mills)

The Utah Legislature has approved a bill that will increase the liquor limit in mixed drinks from one to one and a half ounces. Subject to automatic recall if evidence surfaces that the increase results in adverse effects such as blindness, loss of motor control, dementia, or an uncontrollable desire to marry more than one woman. (Bob Mills)

Ohio’s Attorney General Marc Dann admitted at his press conference Friday that he had an extramarital affair with an employee. These things always come at a high price. For starters, the next attorney general always demands a new desk and a new rug. (Argus Hamilton)

North Lauderdale, FL — The City Commission has proposed dividing the state into two new states. With appropriate names like “North Assisted Living” and “South Critical Care.” (Bob Mills)

New Jersey’s former governor Jim McGreevey’s divorce trial began on Court TV Tuesday. He said he’s gay, to his wife’s surprise after they had group sex with the chauffeur. They were just named the winners in a new reality show called America’s Next Clintons. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Riverdale, UT — Police Chief Dave Hanson, 54, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating for subordinates how to clear a jammed service revolver. He may now be subject to the “Barney Fife Rule” which requires that an officer’s bullets be kept under lock and key until needed. (Bob Mills)

The Port Of Long Beach shut down Thursday when the longshoremen’s union staged a one-day walkout in protest of the Iraq war. You may remember the conflict. Television news stopped covering it after civil war broke out in the Democratic Party. (Argus Hamilton)

Denver, CO — Replanted Texan Jeff Hawn violated an 1800 state law requiring cattle ranchers to erect fences by shooting 32 bison that wandered onto his spread and, as he puts it, “turned it into a feed lot.” Or what Texans call, “George Bush’s ranch.” (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

On Long Island, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom. (Conan O’Brien)

Batavia, OH — Charles Martin, 68, shot and killed Larry Mugrage, 15, when the boy failed to heed his “Keep Off the Grass” sign. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that the right of a homeowner to protect his castle should reasonably apply to the surrounding landscaping. (Bob Mills)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The State department announced the most dangerous place in the world today is no longer the Mideast. It’s now between the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the microphone. (Jay Leno)

IMMIGRATION

A study says that fewer Latino immigrants are sending money to their relatives back home. Mostly because their relatives are all here with them. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Last week the federal government started sending the stimulus package checks which Bush insists will reactivate the economy. It is not a coincidence they sent the checks last week, just in time to buy presents for Jenna’s wedding. (Pedro Bartes)

People across the country are starting to get their tax rebate checks. The government says it’s going to help the economy. And what better way to stimulate the American economy than everyone buying a new Sony PlayStation? (Matt Passet)

A man has staged a sit-in for prayer at a gas station asking God for lower gas prices. Doesn’t that seem a like a question for Allah? (Jay Leno)

Oil companies wanted to offer their top execs a choice — multi-million-dollar stock options or free weekly gas tank fill-ups — but found that the fill-ups would be too expensive. (Scott Witt)

The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists. (Jay Leno)

The Federal Reserve took action Tuesday to stabilize the value of U.S. currency. It’s about time. Californians have begun using dollar bills instead of lettuce in salads because they’re not only cheaper, they contain more fiber. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY

The US army is going to use robotic insects that will carry out explosions and will identify nuclear or biological weapons. Apparently, the army did most of the recruiting at Taco Bell kitchens. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, the Pentagon announced a new policy aimed at reducing the stigma associated with seeing a psychiatrist. It says soldiers and military people who need counseling with a psychiatrist will no longer have to mention that when they apply for a job with a high security clearance. I think that’s a good policy. Look, if you work for the Pentagon and you buy a hammer for $9,000, you should be able to see a psychiatrist. (Jay Leno)

THE OLYMPICS

Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it’s exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short – because the air caught on fire. (Conan O’Brien)

The Olympic torch was carried to the top of Mount Everest; this is the highest an Olympic torch carrier has ever been if you don’t count the time the torch went through San Diego State. (Alex Kaseberg)

IRAQ & IRAN

Republicans reportedly want President Bush to mount another surge in Iraq. The idea apparently is if Bush increases bombing in Iraq, nobody will notice his economic policy bombing at home. (Joe Hickman)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That’s where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, “Don’t tell New Orleans.” (Jay Leno)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new study shows fathers of newborn babies are about twice as likely to show symptoms of major depression… but they’re 10 times as likely to be very sleepy with spit up stains on their shirts. (Jake Novak)

Medical experts have drawn up a list of patients who should not be treated if resources are limited in a severe pandemic. The list includes the very elderly, people with advanced dementia, hopeless trauma victims, Michael Moore, and Ann Coulter. (Scott Witt)

Doctors have linked lack of sleep with ulcers. Scientists tested 2 contrasting teams. One was a group of insomniacs. And, at the other end of the spectrum was a group of government workers. (Alan Ray)

Zookeepers at the National Zoo say 2 pandas have started the mating process. They claim the sexual dance is similar to that of humans. She communicates her needs. He pretends to listen. (Alan Ray)

Amish and Mennonite women living in rural southern Ohio have inordinately high rates of breast cancer due, researchers believe, to a lack of proper screening. The simple country gals must learn that just counting them isn’t enough. (Bob Mills)

Researchers at Harvard Medical School have found that having extra fat in your rear is actually good for your health. Apparently, Kim Kardasian is set to live longer than McCain then. (Pedro Bartes)

New research in Britain finds that women who eat a lot of bananas before pregnancy are more likely to give birth to boys. It’s true. And to make your boy happier when he grows up, Mom, make sure those bananas are big ones. (Scott Witt)

SPORTS

The makers of synthetic turf fields say their product poses no health risk – unless you’re a member of the New York Jets. (Alan Ray)

Indianapolis Colt Marvin Harrison was questioned in a shooting outside his bar Friday. A victim was wounded and a child was hit by flying glass. This is what happens in the off-season when players don’t have a healthy outlet for their urge to dog fight. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant was named Most Valuable Player Tuesday. No one worked harder. He spent the first half of his career fighting Shaquille O’Neal for the ball and the second half of his career fighting Jack Nicholson for camera time. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens admitted mistakes in his personal life in a Houston Chronicle interview Monday but he insisted he didn’t do steroids or HGH or a fifteen-year-old girl. His name will be forever linked with cheating, lying and underage girls. Cooperstown is out but Roger Clemens could be the first pitcher ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens apologized for mistakes in his personal life Monday but he would not name them. He’s been linked to four extramarital affairs. This is what happens when you give a guy twenty million dollars a year and four days off between work days. (Argus Hamilton)

The Soccer Premier League in England will ban soccer players who cannot speak English. In the US, the MLB, is thinking of copying the system and will ban players who don’t speak the official language: Spanish. (Pedro Bartes)

Norfolk, VA — Tim Montgomery, 33, former world record holder in the 100 meters, has been charged with selling heroin. A charge of resisting arrest was dropped since the gun he threatened the cops with was only a starter’s pistol. (Bob Mills)

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was charged with DUI boat and resisting arrest after cops had to resort to pepper spray to subdue him. Problem was, the boat was on a trailer being towed by Mrs. Benson at the time. (Bob Mills)

ENTERTAINMENT

Released today: the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker – but don’t want to leave the house. (Craig Ferguson)

“Speed Racer” opens in theaters on Friday. The young action hero sets out on a cross country rally doing the seemingly impossible. He affords the gas. (Alan Ray)

Hollywood sounded the alarm when the first week of May TV ratings revealed a double-digit drop in network viewers. They’ve all gone to cable. The only way the networks could compete with Hillary and Barack would be with live impeachment coverage. (Argus Hamilton)

Robert Downey Jr. was the toast of Hollywood Sunday after Iron Man grossed over one hundred million dollars. He got sober six years ago. As a result, he’s a big star again and Colombia had to start growing corn, so it’s been a win-win for everyone. (Argus Hamilton)

The top blockbuster in a long time is “Iron Man.” This is the most money a mechanical man has made with a movie since Al Gore released “Inconvenient Truth.” (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Barbara Walters confessed she had an affair with married Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. Roger Clemens played there and Teddy Kennedy is from there. If there are prescription drugs in the water in Massachusetts we know which ones they are. (Argus Hamilton)

In her new book of memoirs “Audition” Barbara Walters recounts her clandestine affair with Sen. Edward Brooke. But it really gets good in Chapter Eight wherein she confesses that she’s the love child of Andy Rooney and Dorothy Kilgallen. (Bob Mills)

Barbara Walters released her autobiography titled “Audition” Friday. In it she revealed she had an interracial affair with former Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. And if this doesn’t sell books, she’s going to claim to be the mother of Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can spend Mother’s Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled because they’ve never been to a nightclub. (Conan O’Brien)

Britney Spears has been granted extended visitation rights to her two sons. The judge made the decision after Spears promised to never drive in his neighborhood. (Jake Novak)

17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby shower. There was an awkward moment when Roger Clemens showed up and gave her his phone number. (Alex Kaseberg)

Lindsay Lohan’s mom, Dina Lohan, was voted mother-of-the-year by a group of Long Island Mothers; apparently Amy Winehouse’s mom was booked.

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble with a New York college student for leaving a party with the girl’s $11,000 mink coat. Amy Winehouse, it’s your move… (Patrick Gorse)

Amy Winehouse was arrested for assaulting a guy in a bar. In all fairness, she didn’t do anything. The guy was sucker punched by her hair. (David Letterman)

Amy Winehouse was arrested in London for possession of illegal drugs; on the bright side, Winehouse was asked to be the commencement speaker at San Diego State. (Alex Kaseberg)

Country thrush Gretchen Wilson, 34, successfully completed state requirements for her high school equivalency certificate. It’s scheduled to be awarded in conjunction with the release of her new single, “My GED is a Ph. D in Memphis.” (Bob Mills)

A $4 million Stradivarius violin left in a cab at Liberty International Airport by Grammy Award winner Philippe Quint was returned by the music-loving cabby. Just a week before, an accordion was left in his cab by a guy who refused to take it back. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

Narcotics officers conducted a sting on the campus of San Diego State University and charged 75 students with selling cocaine, heroin, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, methamphetamine, and illicit prescription drugs. The cops first became suspicious when they noticed a fraternity on campus called Delta Pi Cheech & Chong. (Bob Mills)

A new study shows that nearly half New York’s middle schools have no sports or fitness programs. Maybe no formal programs as such, but lots of teachers schedule field trips to Manhattan just so the kids can jump up and down in front of the window at the Today Show. (Bob Mills)

Greenwich, CN — The Superintendent of Schools has barred the Boy Scouts of America from recruiting on school grounds while classes are in session. Seems it was too disruptive for the other students who had to watch while they tried to help elderly teachers cross the classroom. (Bob Mills)

RELIGION

New York Cardinal Egan has criticized Rudy Giuliani for taking communion during the recent Papal visit because he supports abortion rights. However, apparently he still has the right to get married as many times as he wants. (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

Manhattan, NY — The 18 room mansion that was once the home of Alexander Hamilton will be completely renovated and opened to the public as a museum. In a related story, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is soliciting funds to renovate George Hamilton. (Bob Mills)

Plains, GA — The service station once owned by First Brother Billy Carter will be renovated and turned into a museum. Exhibits will include Billy’s “Can’t Bust Em” coveralls, cans of “Billy Beer”, and a replica of the bushes he urinated in while conducting tours for foreign dignitaries. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, “Now, let’s get back to building that fence.” (Conan O’Brien)

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Now if you haven’t gotten your mom a gift yet, you can’t go wrong with a gallon of gasoline. It’s a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Park City, UT — The makers of Lifestyles condoms have introduced the “Make Out Booth” which, placed in bars and nightclubs, will allow couples to videotape themselves copulating. Or, as Paris Hilton describes it, “spending a quiet evening at home.” (Bob Mills)

Thomas Edison, Frank Sinatra, Yogi Berra and Vince Lombardi are among the first inductees into the new “New Jersey Hall of Fame.” Pete Rose is appealing the decision of the acceptance committee to reject him on the grounds that he’s never been to New Jersey. (Bob Mills)

The Postal Service has introduced a new Frank Sinatra stamp that will soon go on sale in Hoboken, NJ, New York and Las Vegas. It’s like any other stamp except you stick it on with Scooby-dooby-glue.(Bob Mills)

New York, NY — A one hundred and thirty million year old chunk of dinosaur dung recently sold at a Christie’s auction for $960. Which pound-for-pound is about what the television networks sell it for. (Bob Mills)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Taco Bell has debuted their new “Big Bell Box Meal” guaranteed to “satisfy the heartiest appetites” that includes a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Beef Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito and Cinnamon Twists. But to Taco Bell’s credit, the thing comes with a free colonoscopy at the gastrointestinal clinic of your choice. (Bob Mills)

A luxury watch manufacturer called Urwerk has developed the world’s first wind-powered watch. The only difficulty with the watch is to see the time because you have to wear it near your rear end. (Pedro Bartes)

Starbucks quarterly profit tumbled a whopping 28%. Industry analysts blame competition from McDonalds, rising shipping costs and customers who defected after discovering that the DoubleShot energy drink wouldn’t work in their gas tank.. (Bob Mills)

Las Vegas, NV — The Venetian and the Palazzo are offering a 25% slot machine credit for hotel guests who cash their IRS economic stimulus checks at the desk. One armed bandits financed by a fellow one armed bandit. (Bob Mills)

Exxon Mobil announced almost eleven billion dollars in profits during the first quarter on Thursday. It’s insane. There’s so much money in Houston that the Roger Clemens Defense Fund has enough cash in it to make statutory rape legal in six states. (Argus Hamilton)

POLLS & STUDIES

The Gallup Poll out Monday gave Hillary Clinton a seven-point lead over Barack Obama. Hollywood favors Barack Obama with the exception of the stand-up comics. Even if Hillary Clinton is not the next president, the comedians want Bill Clinton for vice. (Argus Hamilton)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-10-08

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