WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-24-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

You know the difference between “American Idol” and the Democratic primaries? See, they count the votes on “American Idol” from Florida and Michigan. (Jay Leno)

Hilary Clinton called David Archuleta immediately after the show and told him not to give up to stay in the competition no matter what. (Jimmy Kimmel)

“Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it “a contest of the past versus the future.” How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? (Jay Leno)

It’s believed that John Edwards’ endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote. (Amy Poehler)

Americans are getting excited about the presidential race? According to the latest poll, most voters believe John McCain can beat either Democrat if he chooses Britney Spears as his running mate. Britney’s experience with paparazzi shows she can handle terrorists. (Joe Hickman)

Barack Obama blamed his struggle in Kentucky on the influence of Fox News Monday. This is nuts. You know the world is upside down when the Yankees are in last place, the Cubbies are in first place and Fox News is accused of helping the Clintons. (Argus Hamilton)

Jesse Ventura may run against Al Franken for the U.S. Senate in Minnesota. A wrestler versus a comedian. Finally a square off for two candidates who will really do the job justice. (Jim Barach)

To give you an idea of how low President Bush’s approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn’t have to attack him over here. Anyway, today, Barack Obama responded to that attack, and then McCain attacked Obama, and then Obama fired back at McCain, and then Hillary Clinton said, “Hello! Will somebody attack me? I’m still in the race! Hello, I’m still here! Everybody attack me!” (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Senator Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good. Even the Klan guy is going, “I’m gonna go with the black guy.” (Jay Leno)

In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.” (Conan O’Brien)

Despite her recent win in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton has almost no mathematical chance for the nomination, and almost no time left to catch up. Yet she still insists she will win. I guess she really did grow up a Cubs fan. (Janice Hough)

John McCain vice presidential hopeful, Gov. Bobby Jindal is 36-years-old. 36! — Barack Obama bowls higher than that. (Patrick Gorse)

Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that’s not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, “He’s way too young for me.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama had a big slip of the tongue on Friday when he told a crowd in Oregon that he had visited “57 states.” John McCain was quick to criticize Obama, saying the number is really 13 and they’re called “colonies.” (Patrick Gorse)

Hillary is suing Barack for custody of the two children, Florida and Michigan. (Michael Feldman)

The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain’s medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up. (Jay Leno)

Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana’s governor, Florida’s governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching “Flavor of Love.” He’s gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night. (Conan O’Brien)

Well, last night, the Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. Do you know what that means? Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can’t believe it’s still on the air. (Jay Leno)

Yesterday, Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is ‘One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.’ Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. ‘Lady Who Doesn’t Know it’s Over.’ And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, ‘Man who fought with Custer,’ I believe. There is still a little animosity. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message [on screen: photo of Bush standing in front of the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner] (Amy Poehler)

President Bush is said to be worried about the latest Pentagon’s announcement of the deployment of 42,000 troops to Iraq. Apparently, the President is concerned he might have to give up tennis now. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low; 82 percent of Americans feel the country is headed in the wrong direction. Not only is it headed in the wrong direction, but with gas at $4 a gallon it costs twice as much to get there. (Jim Barach)

President Bush blasted Barack Obama for being willing to talk to Iran. He really is the wartime president. Iran is listed by the White House as a state sponsor of terrorism along with Syria, North Korea, late-night comedians, the cast of Saturday Night Live, your own two eyes and the English language. (Argus Hamilton)

Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks. (Jay Leno)

Presdient Bush is threatening to impose wide-ranging U. S. sanctions on any nation in the Middle East that doesn’t boost oil production. This is great news for Chinese flag makers, who can now sell millions more U. S. flags to burn. U.S. flags are always big profit makers because manufacturers don’t have to add flame retardant chemicals. (Joe Hickman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Larry Craig co-sponsored an amendment letting illegal aliens work on U.S. farms. They have their reasons. She wants to lower food prices and he wants to meet guys who are away from their families and might be lonely. (Argus Hamilton)

It is comforting to people about to lose their houses to foreclosure to know that Congress is acting quickly on the Grand Theft Auto fake-violence crisis. Next thing, Congress will be grilling characters from the video games. (Craig Ferguson)

Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room. (Jay Leno)

The Senate has approved a bill calling for the U.S. to stop sending shipments to the strategic petroleum reserve… so long as the oil companies continue sending donations to their campaign reserves. (Jake Novak)

GOP Congressman Vito Fossella refused to resign after a DUI arrest led to the discovery of his mistress and lovechild. He’s decided to run for re-election. When you have two families to support, it’s no time to give up your health insurance. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia endorsed Senator Barack Obama Monday. The ninety-year-old senator has apologized for his long-ago membership in the Ku Klux Klan. Right after the endorsement the Ku Klux Klan apologized for ever letting him in. (Argus Hamilton)

Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Humanity said it’s made good use of the foreclosure crisis. They’re scooping up foreclosed properties at bargain prices. Jimmy Carter can’t throw the families out fast enough so he can give the homes to deserving families. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Concord, NH — A study conducted by the Fish & Game Commission found that an average of 239 moose are killed on the state’s highways every year. Which is almost three times the casualty rates of the Elks, the Lions and the Knights of Columbus combined. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

Los Angeles is planning to recycle and reuse waste water. That means that when your dog drinks out of the toilet, he’s just cutting out the middle man. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano was convicted Thursday for wiretapping movie stars. They all testified against him. There haven’t been this many celebrities in court since Robert Blake gave a seminar on how to save money on divorce attorneys. (Argus Hamilton)

A stupid burglar who broke into an Arkansas animal hospital in January has been busted by the DNA he deposited on a half-eaten Snickers bar he left on a counter. The thing I can’t figure out. What kind of burglar breaks into a animal hospital? What is he, a spayed cat burglar? (Patrick Gorse)

On Long Island, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom. (Conan O’Brien)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The American Council for the Blind are suing the treasury department; they say blind people have a difficult time distinguishing small bills from large bills because the $1 bill is identical in size to the $20 bill. The treasury claims there’s no point in making them different because after all none of the bills buy squat. (Pedro Bartes)

A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state’s mesh tuxedo industry. (Amy Poehler)

Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal. Experts call the California ruling a great victory for gay Mexicans. (Conan O’Brien)

The Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they’re gay and married (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600 plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists! (Jay Leno)

They say what’s driving up the price of oil is a belief in the futures market that there will be a shortage in five years. Okay, so raise the price in five years! (Jay Leno)

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices could be four dollars a gallon by Memorial Day. Don’t worry, we may get it all back in gold by the end of the summer. The U. S. Olympic track and field coach just entered American gasoline prices in the high jump. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY & VETERANS

The US military has lifted a ban on sexual relations between unmarried men and women in the combat zone. Lots of babies will be born in combat because we all know the military has not been good at providing protection to the soldiers. (Pedro Bartes)

The Veterans Administration Chief of Mental Health, Ira Katz, sent a confidential e-mail to members of his staff entitled “Shhh” warning them to downplay military suicides by admitting to only 800 per year instead of the real figure, 12,000. To illustrate their degree of concern, when you dial the VA suicide hot line, you get a recorded voice that says “We value your call. Please hold for the next unqualified Bush appointee. Your call may be monitored for war crimes trial defense purposes.” (Bob Mills)

NASA & SPACE

NASA officials say outer space is loaded with thousands of killer space rocks and monster interplanetary snowballs, some possibly aimed at Earth. So does this mean the latest fashion accessory will be hard hats? Hey, that’s life. You eat healthy food you don’t like, jog ’till you drop, carry a gun on your key ring, and what happens? You get squished by an extraterrestrial snowball! If Weird Al Yankitoff can’t get a song out of that, his weirdness is leaking. (Joe Hickman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A herd of wild boars helped German police nab a teenage car thief. When police arrived at the guy’s abandoned car, they heard him screaming for help in a nearby woods. The cops will honor the pigs at a roast as they turn them into knackwurst. (Joe Hickman)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Huge political fireworks today after President Bush went to Israel and he talked about American politicians who might want to talk with Hamas or other leaders. Politicians who would sit down and appease terrorists. He said he would not do it. He would not put up with it. He would never talk to terrorists. And then he flew to Saudi Arabia to spend a couple of days with the Saudi royal family. (Jay Leno)

President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle. (Jay Leno)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Chinese government is making a desperate call for tents to help shelter the Sichuan earthquake victims. They’d use the tents they make in China, but officials don’t want to make the quake survivors also have to worry about being poisoned. (Jake Novak)

China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead. (Jay Leno)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says that breast feeding may raise a child’s IQ by five points. A related study has shown that those same breasts drop the average man’s IQ by about 50 points. (Jim Barach)

Medical experts have drawn up a list of patients who should not be treated if resources are limited in a severe pandemic. The list includes the very elderly, people with advanced dementia, hopeless trauma victims, Michael Moore, and Ann Coulter. (Scott Witt)

According to a German study, earthworms have a lot of fun because of all the laughing gas underground. Does this mean our sitcoms might be funnier if all the writers ate worms? Hey, it’s worth a try. (Joe Hickman)

The U.S. has listed Polar Bears as an endangered species. It is the most endangered large white animal on the planet, next to Republicans. (Jim Barach)

Congress has passed a law making it illegal to discriminate against people because of their genes. The good news is that now you can’t be rejected for health insurance. The bad news is that you can get arrested for refusing to date an ugly person. (Scott Witt)

The drug company that came up with the treatment for “Restless Leg Syndrome” has lost the patent protection and now the drug has gone generic. That means more pressure for a new drug from their Department of Imaginary and Psychosomatic Diseases. (Jim Barach)

The Federal Aviation Administration has removed the anti-smoking drug Chantix from the list of medications considered safe for airline pilots, mostly because Chantix does not work well when washed down with 11 martinis. (Jake Novak)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Al Gore was awarded a million-dollar prize for environmental work Monday. He’s won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Nobel Prize. Everyone wants to do something for the environment and they would rather give an award to Al Gore than give up driving. (Argus Hamilton)

A monster tornado ripped through Colorado on Thursday. It tore through several northern Colorado towns flipping over tractor-trailers, rolling roof off of buildings; ripping up mountains by the roots. Whatever happened to the good old days, when tornados just spun up trailer courts in Oklahoma and Texas, where it didn’t matter. I like to toss out nasty stuff like that now and then just to see which presidential candidate will pick up on it. (Joe Hickman)

SPORTS

USC basketball star OJ Mayo is accused of taking illegal payments from agents, but Mayo denies it. And, frankly, when it comes to telling the truth, how can you not believe a USC star named OJ? (Alex Kaseberg)

The Indy 500 is this weekend. To most Americans, the pit is a surreal environment. Mechanics finishing service and repairs all in one day. (Alan Ray)

New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold lame leopard thong to break hitting slumps. Suddenly I long for the days when players ended slumps by putting needles on their butts. (Alex Kaseberg)

Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi has admitted to wearing a gold thong under his uniform to try to break out of a slump. Fortunately he hasn’t been in a slump bad enough where he tries to wear it over his uniform. (Jim Barach)

Triple Crown contender Big Brown’s breeding rights were sold to Three Chimneys Farm in Kentucky before the Preakness Saturday. The farm bought his stud rights for fifty million dollars. Only Katie Holmes ever made a bigger bet that a guy wasn’t gay. (Argus Hamilton)

New England coach Bill Belichick lashed out at cheating accusations against him on the CBS Evening News Friday. Everyone in football knows he runs a loose ship. Bill Belichick has a lifetime offer from USC to be the school’s director of NCAA compliance. (Argus Hamilton)

The Tampa Bay Rays are planning on raising $450 Million to build a waterfront ballpark that seats 34,000 fans. The only thing they need to do for creditors is find 34,000 people that actually want to watch them play. (Jim Barach)

USC has signed a lease deal with the L.A. Coliseum for the next 25 years. The structure is already 85 years old but still standing strong. USC has cheerleaders who have had more work done. (Jim Barach)

Larry Bird is suing the owners of his former house who turned it into a bed and breakfast and are using his name to market it. Apparently he is afraid they might use the town’s name and call it “Larry Bird’s French Lick”. (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods has been chosen by “Men’s Fitness” Magazine as the Fittest Guy in America. That’s not to be confused with Bill O’Reilly, who was chosen as the Guy Most Likely to Throw a Fit. (Jim Barach)

Major League baseball is investigating possible collusion by some teams against Barry Bonds. They think the teams are trying to force him out of the game. He’s 43, uses steroids and the fans hate him. Hard to imagine why he doesn’t have a job. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

One critic said the new Indiana Jones movie, quote, “Made my heart pound and left me gasping for breath.” That’s also what 66-year-old Harrison Ford said after making the movie. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

“Prince Caspian” is tops at the box office. The forces of good remove an evil despot from ruling a faraway land. He was tolerated until they discovered he had huge oil reserves. (Alan Ray)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Barbara Walters continues to push her surprisingly racy autobiography, “Audition.” Today, Barbara was on Regis and Kelly. Not the talk show, she was on Regis and Kelly. (Alex Kaseberg)

Time Warner is selling off its cable TV division for 10 billion dollars. It was originally going to cost just 9 billion. But the principals added HBO and Showtime. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes which I think is a new record. In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot. (Jay Leno)

Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000. Barkley vows he will never gamble again, but I don’t think he gets it. He’s so sure he’ll never gamble again he’s giving three-to-one odds. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton’s mother Kathy is auctioning off celebrity items on eBay to raise money for charity. The auction items include several pair of Paris’ jeans. They are popular because they are so easy to get into. (Jim Barach)

Shania Twain and her husband are splitting up. I’ll be honest — when I saw a headline with the words “Shania Twain” and “Split” — I thought it was a story about her jeans. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Winemaking guru Robert Mondavi is dead at 94. Funeral home arrangements have been announced. His coffin will be kept at room temperature. (Alan Ray)

Jessica Alba doesn’t have to speak Spanish. Or at all if she doesn’t want to. Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry, but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don’t mean bilingual. Plus, it’s unfair to expect starlets to always reflect their heritage. Lindsay Lohan is Irish. No one expects her to get drunk and crash a car into a tree. Okay, bad example. (Bill Maher)

Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month. (David Letterman)

New Kids on the Block and ‘N Sync creator Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years for tax evasion, money laundering, and aiding and abetting pedophiles across the world. (Jake Novak)

Lon Pearlman, creator of the popular boy bands ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys was sentenced to 25 years in prison for bilking investors out of $300 million. But old habits are hard to break. He’s already forming some new groups… “N Solitary” and the “Back Exercise Yard Boys.” (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

A bill which would have allowed students and faculty to carry concealed firearms on the University of Arizona campus was soundly defeated in the legislature. “We’ve only begun to fight,” vowed a spokesman for the NRA-funded fraternity, Delta Gamma Uzi. (Bob Mills)

A ten year old boy is enrolled at East Los Angeles College. People are questioning his parents about whether that is a safe environment for a child. Not college, East Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)

Waterville, MA — The Director of the Madison School District has proposed that high school science classes teach evolution as “an unprovable theory.” Unlike, say, the completely explainable sudden recovery of Jesus from severe case of “three day death” that was going around the Holy Land. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

This is Memorial Day Weekend… a special holiday when all Americans pause to remember a time when they could afford to buy gas. (Jake Novak)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The California Supreme Court has ruled that gay marriage is legal. They had better watch out. Any more rulings like that and people are liable to think that the state is some kind of haven for weird people. (Jim Barach)

California ruled that gay marriage is legal. In San Francisco, men donned wild dresses, popped Champagne corks, and kissed strangers. When asked how long the gay ruling celebration would last, they replied, “What gay ruling celebration?” (Alex Kaseberg)

The office cubicle has turned 40 years old. The unique structures have revolutionized the work environment. Now most government buildings can sleep up to 4 times as many employees. (Alan Ray)

The conservative watchdog group “Focus on the Family” has petitioned the Marriott Hotel Corporation to remove access to TV pornography from all of its rooms. Members unanimously agreed that porn should be limited to where it belongs — on their computers at work (Bob Mills)

“Maxim” magazine says the average man burns 125 calories having sex for one hour. According to Calories Per Hour.com, the average man burns 125 calories sitting in church for an hour. If you’re burning the same calories in church and having sex, you better pray you get better at sex. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a survey by Nationwide insurance, the number of Americans using the phone in their cars has increased considerably. Apparently, it has to do with the number of Americans living in their cars due to foreclosure. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Fine Arts Commission ordered the Dr. Martin Luther King National Mall statue re-sculpted, saying it looks like Mao. We know how this ends. By the time the statue is approved everybody looking at it will think that Robert Redford has a dream. (Argus Hamilton)

A robot was programmed to conduct the Detroit Symphony. The robot was chosen because it’s timing is perfect, It’s movements are smooth and it is bullet proof. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The number of newly laid off workers filing for unemployment benefits fell unexpectedly last week to the lowest level in a month. Of course, more Americans will be fired as soon as they can afford to drive back in to work. (Jake Novak)

American Airlines stunned the traveling public when they announced that from now on a checked bag will cost $15… the second checked bag $25… the third $80… the fourth and fifth $100… and bags six through nine will cost $200. That’s nothing. It will cost you $150 for every pound YOU’RE overweight (Bob Mills)

American Airlines is now charging passengers $15 to check in their first bag… and if you want it back when you land, it’ll cost you $25. (Jake Novak)

Home Depot has posted a 66% drop in quarterly profit. But things are bound to look up as soon as the 15 million customers who are still lost in Home Depots across the country find their way to the cash register. (Jake Novak)

OTHER NEWS

A New York man flying JetBlue was forced to sit in the bathroom for three hours on a flight from California to New York. It was the longest anyone has been in an airplane bathroom since the airlines stopped serving in-flight meals. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

4 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-24-08

  1. Interview Request

    Hello Dear and Respected,
    I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the webosphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.

    We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at my email address “ghazala.khi at gmail.com”, so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.

    regards.

    Ghazala Khan
    The Pakistani Spectator
    http://www.pakspectator.com

  2. doktertetanus

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  3. Funny. Rambodoc? Interesting!…But laissez faire?

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