WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-31-08

Compiled by Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

When speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, “It is time to take back the country.” The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles is planning to recycle and reuse waste water. That means that when your dog drinks out of the toilet, he’s just cutting out the middle man. (Jim Barach)

According to NASA reports, the international space station’s lone toilet is broken. “Who’s crazy now?” said Lisa Nowak, the astronaut famous for wearing diapers. (Pedro Bartes)

Senator Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for president Monday. He once belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. You would be in the nuthouse today if five years ago you had told anybody that Jeremiah Wright and Robert Byrd would be backing the same candidate. (Argus Hamilton)

Sharon Stone is in hot water for saying China’s earthquake was due to bad karma from mistreating Tibet; this brilliant political and spiritual insight is brought to you by an actress most famous for forgetting her underwear and forgetting to cross her legs. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Jerusalem Post says that President Bush has a plan to attack Iran before he leaves the White House. The news came with shock and disbelief. No one can believe President Bush would actually take military action with a plan. (Jim Barach)

SCOTT McCLENNAN

In his new book, former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan says he was left out in the dark. You know what, Scott? Us too. But you were standing next to the light switch. (Will Durst)

In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. President Bush is expected to react as soon as the book editors release the tape version of the book. (Pedro Bartes)

When asked if he is telling the truth now or was telling the truth when he gave a different story before he was fired as presidential news secretary, Scott McClellan said “Both.” (Scott Witt)

The White House reportedly is puzzled over ex-aide’s Scott McClellan’s scathing book. McClellan’s mom is the famous “One Tough Texas Grandma” Carole Keeton McClellan Strayhorn Rylander. Scott’s probably still upset Bush never tried to marry his mom. (Joe Hickman).

In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. No wonder the Bush administration hired Dana Perino to replace McClellan, they wanted someone that can barely write. (Pedro Bartes)

During a Tuesday speech, presidential candidate John McCain said that the United States is still a very a young country. Unfortunately, after 8 years of Bush, the country is in desperate need of some botox. (Pedro Bartes)

After the release of former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s book which slams the Bush administration and the president, the media repeatedly showed an old video where Bush said he’s going to spend his final days in Texas in rocking chairs next to McClellan. We all know now McClellan’s chair in Texas won’t be necessarily a rocking chair but an electric one. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

I don’t know if Barack Obama’s getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that’s what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, “Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama vowed his support for universal health care in America Monday. He admitted that private medical insurers will be reluctant to part with their high profit. Some HMO’s are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion. (Argus Hamilton)

(McCain’s) buttocks are unremarkable except for some very light tan freckling. (John McCain’s oncologist, Dr. Suzanne Connolly of the Mayo Clinic, according to his medical records)

Hillary Clinton has almost no mathematical chance for the nomination, and almost no time left to catch up. Yet she still insists she will win. I guess she really did grow up a Cubs fan. (Janice Hough)

John McCain released 12,000 pages of medical records that only covered the last eight years. And John McCain’s mom is 96-years-old. That’s what’s killing the rain forests — the McCain family medical records. (Patrick Gorse)

During a speech in South Dakota, former President Bill Clinton delivered a harsh critique of how his wife has been treated during her presidential bid, telling the crowd that he has “never seen a candidate treated so disrespectfully.” His comments are valid because if there’s anyone who knows about mistreating Hillary, it’s Bill. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she will carry her fight for Florida and Michigan delegates to the convention. Picture a riot on the floor between sexually abandoned older women and hillbillies going at it with nubile coeds and black militants. If Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer ever did a show together it would look just like this. (Argus Hamilton)

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn says that Barack Obama would make a “terrible” President. To which most Americans say would still put him about three levels above President Bush. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton begged super-delegates for their convention votes Monday. They are elected officials and party elders who are given enough convention votes to overturn an elected nominee. Years ago a small group of well-connected politicians would determine the party nominee in a smoke-filled room and today there’s no smoking. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton danced for a few seconds to an Enrique Iglesias’ song while campaigning in Puerto Rico. She later said she was tempted to sing the song, but didn’t because you know what happens when the fat lady sings. (Pedro Bartes)

On Cindy McCain releasing her income tax return from 2006, which showed she made $6 million for the year: Fortunately, she was able to save a lot in taxes with that deduction she can take for having an elderly dependent. (Jim Barach)

Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word ‘baruch,’ which means one who’s blessed. That’s what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there. (Conan O’Brien)

Of course, a lot of people now are starting to talk about who Barack Obama will choose as his running mate. Time magazine says that former President Bill Clinton is pushing very hard for Barack Obama to choose Hillary as his vice president. Yeah, Bill says Hillary would be a great vice president, or a great ambassador to any country that’s far, far away. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, “Chapter One.” (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton is comparing the delegates of Florida and Michigan to the Civil Rights Movement, saying democracy is being diminished. Actually, compared to Florida and the 2000 election, this is a step in the right direction. (Jim Barach)

Speaking of McCain’s medical records, John McCain’s doctor says that McCain’s service in the Vietnam War is unlikely to have any affect on his health. I think that’s great. Yeah. However, the doctor says that McCain’s health might be affected by his service in the Civil War. A slight musket wound in the toe. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain today made public his medical records. It was a huge document, almost 1,200 pages long. More than 84 pages on his ear hair alone. I guess somebody went through it. He’s in great shape. Doctors say he could potentially live all the way through 2010. So that’s good news. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever. $18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out. (Jay Leno)

I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. They stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration? (Jay Leno)

McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he’s healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God! (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush said Tuesday he feels upbeat for the economy, which he thinks is starting to get better. It was another of Bush’s grammatical mistakes, instead of upbeat for the economy, he probably meant beat up by the economy. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush reportedly is pushing for an attack on Iran before he leaves the Oval Office. Some folks think that’s insane. In Texas, it’s just good ole boy take no prisoners never stop and think Republican. Personally, I think he should do it. And take Cheney with him. They’d almost be guaranteed the title Persian Comedy Duo of the Decade. (Joe Hickman)

According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he’s been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he’s dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. Two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire. (Jay Leno)

FEMA told emergency trailer park residents to leave and find housing by Sunday so they can get the trailers out of Louisiana before hurricane season. There are also legal reasons. Black people living inside trailer parks is a violation of redneck copyright. (Argus Hamilton)

The Interior Department put polar bears on the endangered species list because their sea-ice habitat is melting. However, it added that nothing done to protect the bears can harm the U.S. economy. No one wants to say the economy is endangered, but we will be feeding our children to these polar bears if food gets any more expensive. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig is writing a tell-all book about his restroom scandal. Hopefully, is not a pop-up book. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress gave out billions to farmers Wednesday by passing the farm bill. Life is good on the prairie. If you think Big Brown commands high stud fees, polygamists in Texas are getting three hundred dollars a child from the president’s stimulus package. (Argus Hamilton)

The House of Representatives has passed a bill to sue OPEC for high oil prices. That beats the old strategy of military invasion. That’s what happens when you elect a bunch of lawyers to solve a problem. (Jim Barach)

Congress vowed Monday to delay a big arms sale to Saudi Arabia to try to force them to increase oil production. Arms dealers have an irresistible sales pitch to countries in the Middle East. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

New York state has decided to recognize gay marriages, as long as they are performed elsewhere. The policy will simultaneously boost the state tax revenue while also cutting its exposure to tacky centerpieces and gawdy ice sculptures. (Jake Novak)

California may levy a porn tax to make up for its budget shortfall. California is taking it easy on industries that have gone green, but are now going to crack down on the ones that go blue. (Jim Barach)

California will offer marriage licenses to same sex couples in June. The news has already had an impact on the economy. The gift registry at Bath and Body Works is completely full. (Alan Ray)

California is rewriting its marriage forms to accommodate now legal gay marriages. Instead of saying “bride” and “groom”, the forms say “pitcher” and “catcher”. (Jim Barach)

Sacramento, CA — A bill that will impose stricter controls on plastic surgery is expected to sail through the legislature. After several high priced Beverly Hills dermatologists were caught extracting Botox from cattle previously rejected by McDonald’s. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

An ancient water main dating back to 1844 broke open in Greenwich Village, New York, shooting water high into the air and flooding the streets. Several Greenwich Village residents said it was their first shower since 1844. (Patrick Gorse)

Concord, NH — A new law makes urinating in public punishable by a $1000 fine and/or six months in jail or both. Wow. From now on, if you decide to write your name in the snow, you’d better use a Super Soaker. (Bob Mills)

Muscatine, IOWA — Librarians at the Musser Library, Betty Collins and Tina Miksch, have challenged local teens to read more by promising to eat bugs if they can complete 15,000 books by summer’s end. Every year they come up with a new incentive. Last year they vowed not to shave. (Bob Mills)

Hilo, HI — The city council rejected a plan to search for marijuana plants by using a low-flying helicopter, concluding that it would be too intrusive on homeowners. Also, it would be cheaper to just hire Cheech and Chong. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A male nurse in Miami was arrested by the police after he performed oral sex on a patient while the patient was waking up from the anesthesia. Apparently, the patient is extremely upset because he doesn’t know if his health insurance is going to cover him for that (Pedro Bartes)

Parchman, MISS — Chris Epps, State Commissioner of Corrections says the recent resumption of executions “has provided closure for the victims’ families and reduced the expense of housing condemned prisoners.” And don’t forget, Chris, it also helps reduce global warming by eliminating two carbon footprints. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

US Ambassador Ryan Crocker told reporters that “Al-Qaida has never been closer to defeat than they are now.” Bush is scrambling to find his “Mission Accomplished” sign that was somehow misplaced after FEMA borrowed it. (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

An energy expert predicts that gasoline could eventually climb to $12 a gallon. He was immediately hired by ExxonMobil as a marketing consultant. (Jim Barach)

The chairman of Shell oil told the Senate that the high oil prices are simply a matter of supply and demand at work. The Oil companies supply the oil and then they demand it costs a fortune. (Pedro Bartes)

High gas prices are pushing more people onto buses and subways, straining transit agencies, infrastructure, and the nation’s supplies of deodorant. (Jake Novak)

NASA & SPACE

The Phoenix Mars lander will land on the red planet’s northern pole Sunday and begin searching for signs of life. It’s an administration pet project. Republicans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA’s Phoenix Lander successfully touched down on Mars over the weekend; traveling 422 million miles looking for signs of life and gas under $3 a gallon. (Jake Novak)

NASA rushed to fit plumbing parts into the cargo hold of the space shuttle Discovery, which takes off Saturday, because the toilet on the International Space Station is broken. The cost is enormous. Everybody knows that plumbers charge extra on Saturdays. (Argus Hamilton)

A NASA spacecraft plunged into the atmosphere of Mars and successfully landed in the Red Planet’s northern polar region on Sunday. The Bush administration was ecstatic as Mars is now probably the only red state left in the universe. (Pedro Bartes)

Maybe you heard. There’s now a broken toilet on the International Space Station. The co-op nations are checking now to see if they can afford the best — Bubba Braindead, Space Plumber. He charges a billion dollars a day — plus mileage. A subsidiary of Halliburton. Otherwise, they’ll just send back up the Russian cosmonaut with the wrench, Major Boris Plungerski. (Joe Hickman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Formula One president Max Mosley must face a disciplinary board in Paris next week. He was videotaped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazi soldiers. When he heard he was going before a disciplinary board he asked if they take traveler’s checks. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was urged to resign Wednesday after a New York businessman testified he gave him sacks of cash, free hotel rooms and free plane flights. That kind of misconduct in office isn’t tolerated in America. It’s re-elected. (Argus Hamilton)

A New York businessman has admitted to giving Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert $150,000 in cash. It’s the most money any New Yorker has ever given an Israeli without at least getting some pirated electronic equipment or a cell phone in return. (Jake Novak)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Nepal said Monday a record number of people scaled Mt. Everest this month. They were picking up their cars. People everywhere have figured out that the best way to beat the high cost of gasoline is to ship your car to Mt. Everest, then steer downhill. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

“Maxim” magazine says the average man burns 125 calories having sex for one hour. According to Calories Per Hour.com, the average man burns 125 calories sitting in church for an hour. If you’re burning the same calories in church and having sex, you better pray you get better at sex. (Alex Kaseberg)

More than 500 TV and movie writers have joined with AARP to embed subtle messages in their scripts that will promote good health practices in light of the ever-growing population of Americans who lack health insurance. They’ll offer tips on topics like how to find a good substance abuse rehab center, avoiding street drugs whose origins and purity are unknown, secrets of hosting a successful Botox party and recommendations on the safest tattoo parlors. (Bob Mills)

The Department of Health reported the percentage of overweight kids in America decreased for the first time in a quarter century. Four dollars per gallon was the key. Parents are now starving their children just to get better gas mileage in the SUV. (Argus Hamilton)

A woman came back to life 17 hours after doctors thought she was dead. Then she said she won’t die until the votes in Florida and Michigan are counted. (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

An environmental court judge ruled that water released from the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Plant into the Connecticut River may be harmful to migrating Atlantic salmon and American shad. Not to mention Americans. (Bob Mills)

Ebensburg, PA — The Amish community is under investigation of their method of handling outhouse waste by collecting it in plastic buckets and spreading it over nearby cornfields. I know what you’re thinking. Are they supposed to be using anything made of plastic? (Bob Mills)

SPORTS

Danica Patrick had to be restrained from attacking, Ryan Briscoe, who knocked Patrick out of the Indianapolis 500 while coming out of the pit. That could have been a rough day for Briscoe, first crashing a woman out of the race and then getting beaten up by a 5ft, 98 pound hot brunette babe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Major League Baseball is planning to use instant replay. Apparently it will help detect if there are any needles hanging off the backside of a player when he hits a 500 foot home run. (Jim Barach)

The Atlanta Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan Thursday. That settles the future quarterback question. All Michael Vick can do is watch the Democratic presidential primaries from prison and wonder what the hell is wrong with dogfighting. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball is planning to experiment with instant replay. Just when you thought there was no way a baseball game could possibly take any longer to play. (Jim Barach)

UPS set up a charity in honor of Kentucky Derby filly Eight Belles. That’s the filly that was put down after finishing second. Hillary Clinton just asked all her supporters to go to NinthBelle.com and donate to her campaign before it’s too late. (Argus Hamilton)

St. Paul’s minor league baseball team announced it will give Larry Craig Bobble-Foot Dolls to fans next week, with doll-sized toilet stalls sold separately. That’s just not right. It’s the senators that are for sale, the toilets have always been free. (Argus Hamilton)

The Indianapolis 500 boasted its deepest field of superstar drivers in history on Memorial Day following the recent American open-field merger. The race did make one concession to the skyrocketing price of gasoline. They put two drivers in each car. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is tops at the box office. Critics say it has a typical Hollywood ending – producers make off with millions from an over-hyped sequel. (Alan Ray)

The new Indiana Jones movie is tops at the box office. This archaeologist/adventurer digs ups some ancient relics. John McCain’s medical records. (Alan Ray)

Russia’s Communist Party has denounced Indiana Jones. They don’t like the way the film portrays communists as evil and ruthless. They paid a lot of money to infiltrate Hollywood to make sure every evil and ruthless villain is a capitalist. (Argus Hamilton)

Communist Party officials are calling for a worldwide boycott of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” because it “undermines the Communist ideology and distorts history.” They particularly disapprove of the scene where Indiana tries to defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis by seducing Mrs. Khrushev. (Bob Mills)

NBC’s Law and Order aired an episode on Tuesday about a New York governor who’s found to be a client of a Manhattan call girl ring. However, this is television. The whore-mongering governor doesn’t go to jail, he gets spun off into his own series. (Argus Hamilton)

Richard Dreyfuss has been picked to play Dick Cheney in the upcoming Oliver Stone movie about George W. Bush. Apparently he took his inspiration for the role from the shark he worked with in “Jaws”. (Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

NBC published a paperback book called To Catch a Predator to capitalize on the popularity of the NBC Dateline show hosted by Chris Hansen. It’s no secret why the show is so tremendously popular. To Catch a Predator is American Idol for pedophiles. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Another sex video of Paris Hilton has surfaced this time it shows Paris having sex in a bathtub; you think that’s wild? The bathtub is in a Home Depot show room display. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ellen DeGeneres continues to make fun of President Bush and John McCain for their opposition to gay marriage. This is apparently her way of trying to forget that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton oppose it too. (Jake Novak)

Steven Spielberg’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did huge box office Wednesday. He’s got the touch. Steven Spielberg once had a kidney stone removed at Cedars Sinai Hospital and it made sixty million dollars its first week out. (Argus Hamilton)

In response to Sharon Stone saying the recent Sichuan earthquake was “Karma” for China’s treatment of Tibet, Beijing is banning her movies in all theaters, thus joining Hollywood’s banning of Sharon Stone which began about 10 years ago. (Jake Novak)

Aerosmith star Steven Tyler says he has checked into a rehab facility in search of a “safe environment” to recover from foot problems. So apparently it’s his foot that’s addicted to heroin and cocaine. (Jake Novak)

Google founder Larry Page says a Microsoft takeover of Yahoo would stifle competition. To which Bill Gates replied “What’s competition?” (Jim Barach)

A California judge has ruled that Britney Spears is not yet mentally fit enough to appear in court for her probate case, to which her attorney has responded, “Hey she’s never been mentally fit enough to record an album either, but that’s never stopped her!” (Jake Novak)

As with Charles Barkley’s $400,000 bill, Dallas Cowboy troublemaker Pacman Jones barely missed criminal charges by paying an overdue Las Vegas Casino gambling debt for $20,000. These pampered athletes are handed loans of tens and – in Barkley’s case – hundreds of thousands of dollars and if they lose, they think they can just walk away. Who do they think they are, Hillary Clinton? (Alex Kaseberg)

Pete Wentz of “Fallout Boy” married Ashley Simpson. It was a touching ceremony, the couple lip-synched their own vows. (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

Bush delivered the commencement address at the Air Force Academy, congratulating the cadets for their proud achievement. Then he placed them on full alert to prepare to supply air support of a preemptory strike on Scott McClellan. (Bob Mills)

Little Rock, ARK — Governor Beebe has ordered all state colleges and universities to reject enrollment applications filed by illegal immigrants. The gov figures that if they get too smart, they’ll turn down the dishwasher and busboy jobs at his country club, “Good Ol’ Boys Golf, Tennis and ‘Coon Hunting.” (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

The Gutenberg Bible goes on display at New York’s Morgan Library today where the public is invited to see the six hundred year old book. The Bible was the first printed work in the world. Even then publishers wouldn’t take a chance on a new author. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Modern Bride advertised a men’s watch that buzzes every year, a week before the wedding anniversary. There’s a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It’s small, it’s personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

The San Francisco Wax Museum removed Barry Bonds’s statue Tuesday. His murals and home-run markers and locker have been removed from the Giants’ ballpark. He could have murdered Jeff Kent at second base and there would be no evidence he was ever in town. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Airlines have announced that the new $15 charge for each checked bag will be refunded if the luggage is lost and if customers file a claim form that doesn’t get lost. (Scott Witt)

HOLIDAYS

President Bush spoke to the media on Memorial Day and said that as a sacrifice for the fallen soldiers he’s willing to give up reading. (Pedro Bartes)

Memorial Day was observed nationwide on Monday as Americans attempted to enjoy themselves the best they could. It was a challenge to hold backyard barbecues and picnics. Lighter fluid is so expensive that arsonists are booked up through Labor Day. (Argus Hamilton)

I had a busy Memorial Day. First, I went to the parade, and the sight of all that patriotism made me feel good about the shape the country’s in. Then I went to the beach, and the sight of all those bodies made me feel bad about the shape the country’s in. (Joe Hickman)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a survey: 47% of pet owners believe their pets will go to heaven when they die. Heaven is actually a fun place for dogs. A halo can be used as a Frisbee. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-31-08

  1. Pingback: WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-31-08 - Celebrity Gossip pictures and news

  2. ha ha. those were really funny ones!

  3. Vivek Khadpekar

    Hey, Doc! Where’s the instalment due 06-07-08 (nice sequence, that!). I hope Stan Kegel is not doing weakly.

  4. hey doc, u should read this

    🙂

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