WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-14-08

Complied by Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush on Thursday strongly disagreed with a Supreme Court ruling that clears foreign terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay to challenge their detention in U. S. civilian courts. Bush did not threaten to bomb the Supreme Court, but did indicate all options are on the table. (Joe Hickman)

On the Supreme Court decision that Habius Corpus rights are guaranteed by the constitution even to foreign nationals: “This is insane. Heartless terrorists will now get to have their cases heard in American Federal Courts, which are chock full of liberal activist judges who will set them free and give them money to buy more IED’s and bomb vests. Then we’ll all have to gay marry.” (Rep. R.Winger)

Political pundit James Carville says that Barack Obama should select Al Gore as his vice president. Obama responded, “He’s not on my short list, but he is on my fat list.” (Patrick Gorse)

John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a man on Mars – preferably President Bush. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, another defeat for President Bush today. It seems that the Supreme Court ruled that detainees at Guantanamo Bay can file legal challenges to their detention. President Bush is very bitter about this. He said he may have lost, but it was a deeply divided Court that voted 5-4. It was 5-4. You know, the same vote that made him president — 5-4. (Jay Leno)

But I thought Hillary was very gracious. She gave a terrific speech. She was very gracious to Barack Obama in her speech. Gave him her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes. Did you see that? Well, imagine, beautiful, fresh tomatoes. (Jay Leno)

The New York Times is reporting that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list, an enemies list of all of the people who are considered Clinton traitors. And ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each others’ lists. (Jay Leno)

You know, I’ll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better. (Jay Leno)

The New York Daily News revealed Monday Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. It’s obvious looking back at the game tapes. Every other pitcher talking to the catcher uses the baseball glove to cover his mouth. (Argus Hamilton)

The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn’s public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn’t behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge. (Argus Hamilton)

An American military computer set a record by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The government will now use it to calculate the price of gas and our debt with China. (Pedro Bartes)

TRIVIA QUESTION OF THE WEEK

President Bush is negotiating an agreement to keep U.S. troops in Iraq for the long term. Who supports this idea in Iraq?
a) Shiites.
b) Sunnis.
c) Kurds.
d) None of the above.
Hint: Never mind that, it’s for their own good. (IronicTimes.com)

THE CANDIDATES

Did you all see Hillary’s concession speech over the weekend? She gave a lovely, lovely speech. She was gracious, very complimentary. She said she wanted Barack Obama to win, and then she hugged her husband, Bill. Then the Secret Service grabbed her, threw her to the ground and said, “What have you done with the real Senator Clinton?” (Jay Leno)

Hey, have you hear this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, “My heart belongs to Barack Obama.” How about that, huh? Barack’s not even president yet, still doing way better than Bill Clinton ever did. (Jay Leno)

Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. And there’s talk of Rue McClanahan. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama met privately with black ministers in Chicago Tuesday. The talks were wide-ranging. They had a long discussion over whether it’s more damaging for Americans to hear his pastor’s latest sermon or for people to think he’s a Muslim. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That’s what he said, yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain said he’s going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies. (Conan O’Brien)

Yesterday, Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are “infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial, and inconsequential.” When he heard this, President Bush said, “That guy knows way too many words to be president.” (Conan O’Brien)

CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the “independent vote.” Of course, to John McCain, “independent” means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama denied the alleged existence of videotape catching Michelle Obama using the word whitey in a rant against white people. She would never have said it. Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard Law School, not Harvard Divinity School. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton, over the weekend, conceded. She’s now claiming she was forced out by NBC. (Jay Leno)

The good news is, Hillary is on Barack Obama’s list for a potential vice president. The bad news? She’s just a little below the Rev. Wright. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton’s camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. passively-aggressively seeking it, yes. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was blasted for telling CNBC Tuesday that rising gas prices aren’t the problem, the problem is Americans use too much energy. Now it’s the voters’ fault. It’s the first indication that Barack Obama used up all his brain cells beating Hillary. (Argus Hamilton)

McCain says using Google to vet VP candidates – Hacking was suspected after the top scoring candidates included Al Franken, Nancy Pelosi, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (DUH Magazine)

Hillary Clinton’s friends said Friday she would accept the vice presidency. It fits her personality. Under our current system of government, the president plays the cheerful figurehead while the vice president is in charge of conquering the world. (Argus Hamilton)

Presidential candidate John McCain told the media yesterday he’s in a serious quest to look for his number two. If only he’d followed the doctor’s advise and had more Metamucil he would find his number two more often. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama rode his bicycle Sunday along the shores of Lake Michigan. He, unlike Bush, was wearing a helmet, but in Bush’s defense there’s not much to protect up there anyway. (Pedro Bartes)

Clinton campaign chair Terry McAuliffe was asked what he would do next, and responded that he and Hillary “were going to Disney World.” Which is a bit surprising, considering that for most of the last month or so, they’ve been living in Fantasyland. (Janice Hough)

Barack Obama rode his bicycle Sunday along the shores of Lake Michigan. He, unlike Bush, was wearing a helmet, but in Bush’s defense there’s not much to protect up there anyway. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton remained holed up inside her home in Chappaqua Tuesday for the third straight day without any public appearances. She’s not upset. Just to show there’s no hard feelings, she sent Barack Obama a crate of tomatoes and a horse’s head. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush in on a tour of Germany, France, Italy, and a bunch of other countries that hate him. While he’s gone, America is safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney the White House terrier. (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that’s the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions. (Jay Leno)

I guess it’s sort of like a farewell tour for the president, before he returns home to kick off his six month good riddance tour here. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dennis Kucinich entered articles of impeachment against President Bush. In response, an angry Bush placed Kucinich in a timeout. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush has admitted to The London Times he regrets his legacy as a man who wanted war. The President even hinted he wishes he’d never gone into politics and was still 2% owner of the Texas Rangers. That’s a job he could handle. Show up for a couple ball games a week, sit in the front row, look like a regular fan. Keep your eye on the ball so you don’t get a line-drive in the ear. Bush was pretty good at that. Highest popularity rating he ever had. And he only got hit in the head once. (Joe Hickman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Bush Administration yesterday kicked off a process to determine whether the GM Hummer H1, H2 and H3 should be added to the United States endangered species list because their suburban habitat is being threatened by high gas prices. (unconfirmedsources.com)

THE CONGRESS

The Senate Intelligence Committee says the White House lied the nation into war with Iraq. No one’s going to jail. The war was wrongly threatened and wrongly declared and wrongly waged, but it’s better than no war at all. (Argus Hamilton)

A Senate report says that President Bush misused intelligence to start the war in Iraq. The report ended with the committee saying maybe they should have looked at this a little closer back in 2003. (Jim Barach)

Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He’s written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he’s having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men’s room. So get there (David Letterman)

Senator Dianne Feinstein called for the Senate cafeteria to be privatized after years of losing money and serving bad food. It sounded shocking coming from her. Democrats must eat a government program before they see the wisdom of the free market. (Argus Hamilton)

U. S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced thirty-five articles of impeachment against President Bush on Tuesday. This could backfire. It wipes out so many trees to print up all the offenses that Democrats will be blamed for killing the rainforest. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones launched a video website Monday where you can watch them discuss Bill Clinton. It’s a gold mine. They charge you two dollars to watch them talk about Bill Clinton’s sex life and ten dollars to shut up and go away. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times reported Wednesday that Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list, continuing the newspaper’s year-long campaign comparing the Clintons to Richard Nixon. They’ll have the last laugh. When Nixon finally left office, New York Times readers spent the next eighteen years turning straight to the sports page. (Argus Hamilton)

Vanity Fair ran an article stating Bill Clinton was playing around with models and actresses and heiresses on the road. His motives are obvious. Bill Clinton is going to keep sleeping with women until he can find one who can get elected president. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

And you may have heard, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is being called a hero. He saved a man’s life over the weekend, really, by performing the Heimlich maneuver. Saved a man from choking. And in a related story, Senator Larry Craig performed the Heimlich maneuver on three men, none of whom were choking (Jay Leno)

California Congressman Dana Rohrabacher says taunting terrorists with panties placed on their heads is not torture. Unless they are panties taken from Rosie O’Donnell. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

New York’s new state excise tax kicked in Tuesday, which caused cigarette prices to hit an astounding twelve dollars per pack in New York City. You can already see the effects. Guys have begun faking a smoker’s cough in order to pick up women in bars. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Malibu has hired Ken Starr to draft a law to tax tabloid photographers. It’s a cycle. Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered so they can make it big, and the ones who’ve made it big have to pay lawyers to keep from being discovered. (Argus Hamilton)

New York City bumped its cigarette tax up by $1.50 making the cost of a pack over $10. The tax helped the decline of the divorce rate; apparently, wives don’t believe their husbands anymore when they say they are going for a pack of cigarettes. (Pedro Bartes)

A San Diego developer is offering a free less expensive home to anyone buying a high priced house. The second house can be used to move the family into while the subprime loan company is starting to foreclose on the first. (Jim Barach)

SECURITY

The US Transportation Security Administration said Tuesday that security scanners which can see through passengers’ clothing and reveal details of their body underneath are being installed in 10 US airports. Apparently, since airlines are charging $15 for an extra bag, passengers are resorting to very hidden places to bring a second bag on board. (Pedro Bartes)

TERRORISM

The accused mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks is on trial at Guantanamo Bay, and the government promised that when Khalid Sheikh Mohammed testifies, waterboarding will be administered with pleasantly flavored water. Look, don’t touch: If, as he requested, Mohammed gets the death penalty, the government might stipulate that he gets castrated first so he won’t be able to enjoy the 72 virgins waiting for him in paradise. (Scott Witt)

Officials are saying they found a pipe bomb in a dead chicken. So it sounds like al-Qaida is starting to have some serious budget problems. They say it is either the work of some terrorist organization or Carrot Top. (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Consumers relied less on their credit cards last month. The economy is so bad that people have just moved along to shoplifting. (Jim Barach)

When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, “But how much is it in the city?” (Jay Leno)

For the first time ever, the national average price for a gallon of gas is over $4. Which explains the new nickname for gas — “Starbucks for your car.” (Conan O’Brien)

Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we’ll see it by the end of the week. (Jay Leno)

You know, I don’t want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes KY Jelly. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let’s hope it’s as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism. (Jay Leno)

Somebody needs to stop those guys on the Internet from selling secrets to make your car run on water. Before you know it, the price of water will skyrocket. People will be siphoning your car to make green tea. (Joe Hickman)

THE MILITARY

The U. S. Army is working to bar medically and mentally unfit soldiers from serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. From now on, those soldiers will be sent directly to the Senate. (Jake Novak)

After being fired for screwing up, the Air Force’s top military and civilian leaders expect to take jobs with commercial airlines, where they’ll fit right in. (Scott Witt)

Robert Gates has fired two top Air Force leaders over several mix ups involving nuclear weapons. Apparently the military will deal with Iran’s nuclear threat once we can take care of our own. (Jim Barach)

NASA & SPACE

NASA has announced a plan to take a trip to the sun. So apparently, the search for bin Laden continues. They want to get to the sun; they want to find the thermostat, and turn it down. (David Letterman)

NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?” (Conan O’Brien)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The White House sent Congress a plan to help Mexico halt drug trafficking. The police and drug dealers there are in an open war. It’s breaking up families, with Baby Boomers rooting for one side and their parents and children rooting for the other. (Argus Hamilton)

CANADA

Canada’s parliament sought Thursday to give U.S. military deserters sanctuary in Canada. It would help their economy. They did it for Vietnam war deserters forty years ago and it resulted in the world’s finest marijuana being grown in British Columbia. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prince Charles just paid off a debt incurred by his family more than 350 years ago. Prince Charles said he found some old documents showing his ancestors still owed John McCain for deliveries he made to King Arthur. (Willam Hale)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Ladies and gentlemen, our President George W. Bush is traveling in Europe and he spent the last couple of days in Italy. He went to Venice, and he thought the streets were flooded. And he said don’t worry, FEMA is on the way. (David Letterman)

President Bush is now in Europe. Again, you know, we like President Bush. I just don’t think he has a real grasp of history. Did you see him in Berlin yesterday? He said, :Am I crazy, or did there used to be a wall?” (Jay Leno)

Yeah, President Bush is in Italy. He is looking for tomato sauce of mass destruction. (David Letterman)

French people are stunned at a court ruling against a woman who claimed to be a virgin when she married her husband, only to have him find out later she was lying. The jury found her guilty for fraud, and him guilty for being dumb enough to believe her. Apparently he believed her because when they started dating she would show up wearing a habit (Jim Barach)

Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum said Tuesday it will display a wax figure of Adolf Hitler at its Berlin museum. It caused outrage. The London and New York museums agreed not to display the wax figure after word got out they’re honoring a white male. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times said Muslim women in Europe are paying plastic surgeons to restore their virginity. It’s a cultural thing. After watching what happened after the Kentucky Derby, they’re afraid if they blame it on horseback riding they’ll get shot. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

A spokesman for United Arab Emirates Airlines says this summer it will launch nonstop flights from the U.S. to Dubai. The spokesman said, “We want to give Americans a chance to visit their money.” (Conan O’Brien)

Archaeologists in Jordon have discovered the world’s oldest church: 2,000 years old. People used to go there for King Herod, Moses, John McCain… (Craig Ferguson)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Burma’s ruling junta arrested a popular Burmese comedian Wednesday for telling jokes about their government. It’s a rapidly spreading trend. In Russia political comedians have been banned from television and in America the Clintons were canceled. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

There’s a salmonella outbreak; they believe it’s linked to tomatoes. You don’t realize how much you eat tomatoes until you can’t get them anymore. Today I was forced to order a BLB, which is bacon, lettuce, and more bacon. I’m thinking of ditching the lettuce too, just to be safe. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s a salmonella outbreak linked to raw tomatoes in America; it’s already killed 20 bad comedians. (Pedro Bartes)

Los Angeles grocery stores began stocking tomatoes again Tuesday after the FDA said California tomatoes are safe. It’s a huge relief. If it weren’t for what the audiences threw at them, American Idol contestants would starve to death in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

Researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that know how to fish. American companies already are offering Senior Monkey credit cards so they can export fishing gear. Give a monkey a fish he’ll eat for a day; teach him to fish, you can sell him a new rod ‘n reel. (Joe Hickman)

U. S. Health Officials say citizens of 30 other nations will live up to five years longer than Americans. President Bush said all options are on the table, hinting if we don’t pre-emptively attack Japan or Switzerland or Australia before he leaves office, he and Cheney may move there for the health care. (Joe Hickman)

Psychologists say the bad economy is causing people to go into severe depression. Especially if you were counting on a woman president, a Triple Crown winner and gas prices to top out at four bucks. (Patrick Gorse)

Scientists claim that eating bugs is not only healthy, but good for the environment. That should make people feel much better about eating at Taco Bell. (Jim Barach)

The U.S government supplied scientists in Antarctica with 16,500 free condoms. So, despite all the objections, it seems there’s going to be some drilling in Antarctica after all. (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists pointed to a Dutch woman who reached 115 years of age and remained mentally sharp throughout life as proof Alzheimers doesn’t effect everyone. She’s in the Guinness book of records as being the only person who could remember when John McCain was baptized by John The Baptist. (Willam Hale)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

The Weather Channel quoted climatologists Friday forecasting unusually violent storms this summer. No one’s looking forward to the hurricane season. Everyone is tired of Democrats blaming it on global warming and Republicans blaming it on al-Qaeda. (Argus Hamilton)

Extreme hot weather has hit the East Coast. You can tell when it gets sultry in Manhattan. Garbage dumpsters begin to smell like cabs. (Alan Ray)

Crazy hot in New York City. Here’s how hot it is in New York City: Today, Angelina Jolie adopted a penguin. (David Letterman)

It is so hot in New York, Elliot Spitzer hired a hooker named Windy. (Alex Kaseberg)

In environmental news, an Italian composer is writing an Opera based on Al Gore’s documentary “Inconvenient Truth.” Now don’t confuse this with the Bill Clinton Opera, that one isn’t over until the fat intern sings. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Weather Channel showed footage Wednesday of the Mississippi River flooding in St. Louis. It threatens river levees all the way down to New Orleans. President Bush was in Europe and unable to direct disaster aid, so sometimes you catch a break. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Lots of folks are watching the NBA Playoffs. It’s not that so many Americans like basketball, it’s just fun to watch millionaires sweat. (Joe Hickman)

The Lakers beat the Cetics. Their first win. I can’t wait to find out who the NBA decided to win this thing. I heard they shot multiple endings. (Jimmy Kimmel)

NBA referee Tim Donaghy said Monday the league rigged playoff games to prolong series and favor big market teams. He said he rigged outcomes himself without anyone noticing. He wasn’t caught until Oil and Gas Journal did an article on his techniques. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Open is played this weekend at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. Hang gliders leap off high cliffs over the ocean behind the sixth and twelfth tees. No golf course in the world gives a golfer having a really bad round more overall options. (Argus Hamilton)

The U. S. Open tees off Thursday, drawing golf fans from all over the nation to La Jolla. Gas there is five dollars a gallon. Hertz is promising its best customers if they’ll rent an SUV for the weekend they can be upgraded to a subcompact for free. (Argus Hamilton)

Big Brown finished dead last in the Belmont and lost his bid to win the Triple Crown on Saturday. The race had the second tragic ending of the season. The horse was taken off steroids a month ago and he ran so slow the jockey died of malnutrition. (Argus Hamilton)

On Big Brown losing the Belmont Stakes: A New York favorite hasn’t flopped so spectacularly since Rudy Giuliani. (Janice Hough)

His trainer admits Big Brown used steroids and then the odds-on favorite to win the Triple Crown finished dead last at Belmont; Today Big Brown was named an honorary New York Yankee. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the New York Daily News, Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. Apparently, the other players didn’t notice it because he also took steroids. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Tony Awards are on Father’s Day Sunday; let me give you a little tip, with the US Open, NBA finals, baseball games, if your father wants to watch the Tony Awards on Father’s Day, your real father is a turkey baster. (Alex Kaseberg)

“The Incredible Hulk” premieres this weekend. Dr. Bruce Banner scours the earth for an antidote for his affliction as a giant green monster. He discovers he can get it a lot cheaper in Canada. (Alan Ray)

The Incredible Hulk movie is hitting theaters today. In this one, Dr. Bruce Banner transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk every time he pumps gas. (Pedro Bartes)

Universal Studios Tours reopened Friday after a spectacular fire sent flames hundreds of feet high across the movie lot. The fire marshal made them put it out. They should have cleared it with him before they opened the Hillary in Hell Adventure. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Mike Wallace decided to retire from CBS at age ninety on Wednesday after being on the air for sixty years. He ignored the fact that Ed McMahon wound up broke after two years of retirement. Mike Wallace lives in New York City and can take public transportation. (Argus Hamilton)

The Fox News Channel did a weird thing last night. There was a rumor going around that Michelle Obama used the word ‘whitey’ in front of a group of black church-goers, and it turned out not to be true. And of course, Obama supporters were upset about it, but when they did the story, look at the caption Fox used at the bottom of the screen here [on screen: Fox calls Michelle Obama Obama’s ‘baby mama’]. Obama’s baby mama. Now, I’m pretty sure that Michelle Obama is Barack’s wife, not his baby mama. You have to wonder if they’d use that terminology if she was white. But Fox is fair and balanced. We know because they say it all the time [on screen: fake video of Fox ‘calling’ Cindy McCain ‘Mac Daddy’s Skeezy-Ass Trick’]. A similar thing with John McCain’s wife, Cindy” (Jimmy Kimmel)

CELEBRITIES

Hugh Hefner says he won’t marry his 28-year-old girlfriend, Holly Madison. It’s too bad because she is all prepared, she has something old, Hugh, something new, herself, something borrowed, a defibrillator for the wedding night, and something blue, Viagra. (Alex Kaseberg)

Kevin Federline was chosen “Father of the Year” by a Las Vegas club. Apparently they admired the fact that when he is at a strip club or gambling casino, he makes sure his kids are always with him. (Jim Barach)

Dina Lohan was recently honored as being a “Top Mom”. Mostly because she wasn’t Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother. (Jim Barach)

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is the world’s most powerful celebrity for the second straight year as she tops the Forbes Celebrity 100 Power List. This news should help sales of her autobiography, “The Incredible Hulk,” which hits theaters tomorrow. (Willam Hale)

O.J. Simpson’s agent wrote a book saying O.J. confessed the murders to him as they smoked pot one night. He smokes pot to help him sleep. O.J. has trouble sleeping and his doctor told him the fastest way to overcome his insomnia is by stabbing sheep. (Argus Hamilton)

17-year-old “American Idol” runner-up, David Archuleta, has signed a recording contract with a six-figure cash bonus. David, who just got his driving learner’s permit, says he’ll use the cash bonus to fill up his gas tank. (Patrick Gorse)

Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn’t seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show. (Argus Hamilton)

Celebrity birthdays today: supermodel Liz Hurley and Sen. John Edwards. They’re completely different, of course; one is a sex-pot desired by men all over the world. The other is Liz Hurley. (Craig Ferguson)

Yves St. Laurent died last week in Paris after a long career as a women’s fashion designer and clothing manufacturer. One of his inventions was the women’s pantsuit. It was the turquoise polyester that Hillary wore in Puerto Rico that killed him. (Argus Hamilton)

Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling’s widow Candy Spelling hit a one hundred and eighty thousand dollar jackpot from a slot machine on the Las Vegas Strip Thursday. Easy come, easy go. The next day she filled up her Escalade and lost it all. (Argus Hamilton)

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six million dollar home in Beverly Hills Friday. There’s no way he could have burned through fifty years of TV money by himself. Apparently when Johnny Carson died he left two of his ex-wives to Ed McMahon. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

General Motors announced Tuesday it’s looking to sell the manufacturing rights to its Hummer in the belief that record-high gasoline prices will continue. The vehicle gets six miles a gallon. Only the war in Iraq costs more to run than a Hummer. (Argus Hamilton)

Honda and Porsche were the top finishers in a vehicle quality study. Honda finished first in automobile quality, and Porsche won for the quality of women you attract while driving one. (Jim Barach)

United Airlines is grounding all of its 737s and 747s in order to save fuel. Apparently the airline is reconditioning its fleet of zeppelins. (Jim Barach)

General Motors extended shifts at their hybrid electric car factory last week and shut down four GM plants that make gas guzzling SUVs. Buying hybrid electric cars reduces terrorism by fifty percent. They only support Saudi Arabia while going uphill. (Argus Hamilton)

Disney has created a Google Earth Map of Disney World. It highlights where all the automated teller machines are located on the grounds so visitors can keep going back for more cash to pay for outrageously priced Disney crap. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that only twenty-two percent of Hillary Clinton’s voters will vote for Barack Obama. The media is dancing carefully around the reason why. Anyone who suggests it might be race could lose Don Imus’s radio show. (Argus Hamilton)

The Gallup Poll out Tuesday showed almost sixty percent of Americans now favor offshore oil drilling and oil drilling in Alaska’s wildlife refuge. In just one week, four dollar per gallon gasoline undid thirty years of environmental indoctrination. Across the country today, grade-schoolers are writing essays titled, “It’s Just a Moose.” (Argus Hamilton)

A study says U.S. teens are having less sex and using fewer drugs than kids in the 1990s. Apparently every one of our vices from the old days has been replaced by some video game. (Jim Barach)