WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-21-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It’s no secret that one of John McCain’s biggest challenges as a candidate is distinguishing himself from President Bush. He’s so different from Bush already. The only issues they agree on are education, immigration, Iraq, abortion, Supreme Court judges, Social Security, tax breaks for the wealthy, wire-tapping, trade, health care, the Middle East, same-sex marriage and Medicare. (Stephen Colbert)

House Democrats called for nationalization of oil refineries Wednesday. We have a government that wiretaps citizens, jails without due process and wants to own the oil industry. Saddam Hussein just used the clouds to skywrite Mission Accomplished. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary’s $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Well, as you know, gay marriage now legal here in California. Well, you know who I feel sorry for now in Los Angeles? Single women. I mean, now all the good men are married and gay. (Jay Leno)

With Barack Obama and John McCain hogging the front pages in the United States, President Bush decided to get out of town and take a quick trip to Europe. Making him one of the only Americans who can still afford a trip to Europe. (Jon Stewart)

Disneyland is opening a new “home of the future” in Tomorrowland. Disney needs to do this because the current “home of the future” is in foreclosure. (Jake Novak)

With the price of gas in California inching towards 5 dollars a gallon, biodiesel firms are now working on a way to turn animal fat into fuel to run your car. It won’t be long before liposuction patients ask their doctors for a doggy bag so they can have their fat back. (Patrick Gorse)

According to UPS officials, the drivers of the company have been instructed to take mostly right turns to save money on gas. It is arguable though, our country has taken a right turn for the last 7 years and we have lost a lot of money. (Pedro Bartes)

Breaking News From Fox: It is being widely reported that Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, has fathered two black children. Your fair & balanced reporters from Fox News have been unable to either prove or disprove the truth of this shocking revelation. The candidate’s wife, Michelle Obama, has refused to deny the truth of these reports. (Gil Ross)

Microsoft’s Hotmail had a glitch discovered in its spellcheck Friday. It says Obama is correctly spelled Osama. If you think that’s awful, imagine the career problems caused by e-mails going out to publicists to promote actress Hitler Locklear. (Argus Hamilton)

GAY MARRIAGE

Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as “beautiful” – and the honeymoon as “horrifying.” (Conan O’Brien)

It’s already having a ripple effect, this gay marriage thing. In fact, since it was instituted yesterday, marriage proposals to Liza Minnelli have dropped 65 percent. (Jay Leno)

Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage. (Jay Leno)

Well, you see, unlike Massachusetts, California has no residency requirement for marriage, so a lot of gays from out of state can come here and get married. In fact, if you’re gay, and you can prove you’re in the country illegally, they’ll not only give you a gay marriage license, they’ll give you a California driver’s license. (Jay Leno)

And Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced he will happily perform gay weddings. And believe me, if you know our mayor, you know how seriously he takes those wedding vows. (Jay Leno)

Hey, today, gay marriage became legal here in the state of California. Still no word yet if Simon Cowell can legally marry himself. That’s still up in the air. (Jay Leno)

You know, what’s history-making about this gay marriage thing, do you realize for the first time ever, both of the people getting marry willed actually be excited about the wedding? That’s never happened before. (Jay Leno)

Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who’s driving and who nags. (David Letterman)

THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER FLOODS

President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush flew over heavily flooded sections of Iowa yesterday in his personal jet, Air Force One; after tsk-tsking the damage seen from 15,000 ft., Bush proudly stated that he’s been in charge of many such disasters during his tenure as President. (PNN)

There is a silver lining here, for those who may not see it: farmers will get to water their crops months in advance, and many people will be able to fill their in-ground swimming pools for free. (FEMA Administrator speaking on condition of anonymity)

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff praised the response to help the flooding victims in Iowa. He says it gives him hope that soon the Federal Government will make a similar effort to get to New Orleans for Katrina. (Jim Barach)

The Weather Channel showed scary footage Wednesday of Mississippi River levees breaking in downstate Illinois. Many of the houses and towns on the river are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom home by convincing Countrywide he had a job. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush visited flood ravaged areas of the Midwest. The Mississippi River was something to behold. He hasn’t seen anything rise this fast since he looked at his disapproval rating. (Alan Ray)

The Weather Channel showed Mississippi River flood damage in Iowa Friday which had the nation glued to the television set. Everyone’s concern is understandable. The corn crops were soaked in two feet of water and that’s really bad for your engine. (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel aired video footage of major flooding in Iowa and Missouri Monday. It’s disrupting the entire farm economy. Every day farmers have to get up at three in the morning to feed the chickens and slop the hogs and milk the taxpayers. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They’re already putting together debates. Here’s how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That’s the way that’s going to go down. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy negotiating when the Presidential debates will take place. Obama wants them to be in September — and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before “Wheel of Fortune.” (Conan O’Brien)

Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it’s something he would never use. That’s what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library. (Conan O’Brien)

The Obama campaign has a new web site to fight the attacks on him called “Stop the Smears.” Ironically, now Fox says Obama hates women and wants to stop the pap smears. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama set up a website Wednesday called Stop the Smears to fire back at rumors circulating about him on the Internet. He’s got to stop these rumors that he’s Jesus. If he was born outside the United States he’s not eligible to be president. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama said Thursday his wife Michelle never used the word Whitey during any speech she ever gave to any crowd. He also just left his church for being too militant. He figures if John McCain doesn’t need the black vote to win, neither does he. (Argus Hamilton)

I think it’s finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn’t get it. Today she went down to Ikea because she realized this was her only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet. (Jay Leno)

John McCain, listen to this, he is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. As a matter of fact, today he was campaigning in a pantsuit. (David Letterman)

Speaking of McCain, yesterday was Father’s Day. John McCain said he made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. That’s what he said. Yeah. Unfortunately, McCain’s grandchildren couldn’t make it ’cause they spent the day with their grandchildren. He’s getting old. (Conan O’Brien)

Republican congressmen Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Yeah, he decided a few days ago, yeah. Paul said, there comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain is so laid back, every time I hear a sound bite on the news, I keep waiting for the announcer to say, “Ask your doctor if John McCain is right for you.” “May cause drowsiness, get immediate help if your election lasts more than four years.” (Joe Hickman)

Scarlett Johansson said Wednesday she’s shocked that Barack Obama takes the time to answer her e-mails. Good news at last. It’s the first sign to comedians that after eight dreary years of honor and dignity in the White House, happy days are here again. (Argus Hamilton)

This week, Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her website, but none of the pictures show Bill Clinton. Yeah. Bill said, “That’s okay, none of the websites I go to have pictures of Hillary.” (Conan O’Brien)

Al Gore has decided to endorse Barack Obama for president Monday. That created a new serious problem in the Obama campaign, not because of new attacks from the right, but it’ll be hard to find a stage big enough to accommodate Al Gore and Oprah together. (Pedro Bartes)

Cindy McCain’s cookie recipe in Family Circle Monday was apparently stolen from Hershey’s. She was also nabbed for stealing recipes off the Food Network. If most trophy wives can just stick a toothpick into an olive they’ve done their cooking for the day. (Argus Hamilton)

Democrats called Thursday for Congress to investigate Cindy McCain’s cookies. Of course, They’ll need a special prosecutor. To be fair, the new special prosecutor should be a left-wing conspirator. How about Jane Fonda? Hey, we’ve tried leaky lawyers and where did that get us? (Joe Hickman)

Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom. (David Letterman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don’t get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn’t that supposed to be the chance to fix all this? (Jay Leno)

During his trip to London, President Bush had tea with the queen. It was pretty uncomfortable when Bush said he had already had tea with a queen… Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table that thinks he’s doing a good job. (Jay Leno)

President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book…. Bush said, he’s not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book. (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush says he plans to publish a book once he leaves the White House. We have an advanced copy here. This won’t be out till January. It’s “Iraq on $100 Million a Day.” It’s a travel book. (Jay Leno)

President Bush has enlisted British Special Forces in a final attempt to capture Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the president wants to ask Bin Laden about good places to hide because he might need them after he leaves office. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush is wrapping up his farewell tour of Europe. And you know, he is getting contemplative now. He is thinking that he will write his memoir, he wants to write a book, a presidential memoir. Unfortunately, the problem with the president writing his presidential memoir, I mean, I think before you write a book you have to have read one. (David Letterman)

In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, “Please stop reminding everyone we’re related. Shut up!” (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush told the English media that his brother Jeb should be president. When asked if he thinks Jeb would make a good president based on his administration as a governor, or his credentials, Bush said: “not at all, it’s just that three is a charm.” (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has told Iran that the world has lost patience with their lack of cooperation. In other words, hurry up because President Bush only has seven months left to start an invasion. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don’t have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths. (Jay Leno)

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill on Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. New York’s fashion industry needs a constant supply of new fashion models. The ones we have keep falling through the subway grates. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton sponsored a bill Monday to rename the U.S. highway at the Buffalo Bills’ stadium after Tim Russert. She bore no hard feelings over his brutal debate questions. The last thing he did was to write her a note thanking her for the tomatoes. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

John McCain says the Supreme Court decision concerning terrorist detainees was one of the worst decisions in history. He said it was just as bad as the Dred Scott verdict, for which he also criticized the court at the time. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

The governor of Florida has changed his mind and is now behind the idea of drilling off the coasts of Florida. He got the support of thousands of people, mostly living in Cuba, who see the oil rigs as rest areas on their way swimming to the U. S. (Pedro Bartes)

LOCAL NEWS

Drivers caught speeding in an Atlanta suburb now have to pay an extra $12 police department gas surcharge. That’s over and above the $4 coffee and donut surcharge. (Jake Novak)

TERRORISM

Barack Obama says if Bin Laden is captured, we must not make him a martyr but humiliate him instead. Plans are now in the works to get Bin Laden a spot on “Dancing With The Stars.” (Willam Hale)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

For the first time ever, the national average price for a gallon of gas is over $4. Which explains the new nickname for gas – “Starbucks for your car.” (Conan O’Brien)

Southern California’s real estate home values took their steepest drop in over twenty years. Suburbs are hit hardest because driving back and forth to work is unaffordable. Gas is so expensive prisoners don’t even want their sentences commuted. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

The Mars Lander was digging and found a white powdery substance. Scientists are baffled. Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been anywhere near Mars. (Craig Ferguson)

NASA launched a huge telescope into orbit Friday to get pictures of gamma rays darting around the universe. It will survey the entire sky in two orbits. If they find a gamma ray not wearing any panties they can sell the picture to Access Hollywood for big dough. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA says it is planning to send a spacecraft on a mission to the sun. President Bush says he approves the plan, but has advised they plan for it to arrive during the night when it’s not so hot. (Jim Barach)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he’s now 14 years old and has joined Cuba’s Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees. (Jay Leno)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.” (Conan O’Brien)

IRAQ & IRAN

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met President Bush in London Monday and they froze the assets of Iran’s biggest bank. They had no choice. Freezing a bank’s assets is the only way to close it down when it had too much sense to invest in subprime mortgages. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia agreed to increase its crude oil drilling Monday. High oil prices are destabilizing the world. When newspapers said Sunday gasoline prices in Iran are forty cents a gallon, Americans no longer wanted to invade Iran, they wanted to defect. (Argus Hamilton)

The Saudis say there is no shortage of oil. They have plenty of oil reserves. In fact they assure us that they have enough oil to keep screwing us well into the next century. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia says that it will raise its daily oil production by 200,000 barrels. And that’s just to fill up the yachts of the oil company executives! (Pedro Bartes)

AFRICA

Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe warned the U.S. and Britain not to interfere in his runoff election. He rigged the last election to get in the run-off. U.S. monitors saw so much cheating they thought their plane accidentally landed in Chicago. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new operation allows women to reclaim their virginity. Apparently the green movement has pretty much made it acceptable to recycle anything. (Jim Barach)

Scientists say they’ve found a new link between depression and obesity. Not surprisingly it’s a sausage link. (Conan O’Brien)

A man has lost 79 lbs since December by only eating McDonalds. Actually, he had put on 200 lbs until recently when he started ordering extra tomatoes in his burgers. (Pedro Bartes)

A study says that pine bark reduces the risk of heart attacks for those with diabetes. This is regarded as a major medical breakthrough. If you are a beaver. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Weather Channel founder John Coleman blamed Al Gore for high gas prices Friday, adding that the global warming frenzy is a fraud and a scam. This guy owes his career to Al Gore. Thanks to all the tornadoes, hurricanes and cyclones blamed on global warming, people stay tuned to the Weather Channel for the same reason they watched CBS News every night during the Cold War, you never know if this day is going to be your last. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics. Last night, they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, “Too close to call” (Craig Ferguson)

The Boston Celtics won the NBA championship by destroying the LA Lakers 131-92. After the first quarter, Kobe Bryant was nowhere to be found. The guy just vanished. It was almost as if he owed the Celtics child support, said one reporter. (Willam Hale)

The Boston Celtics clobbered the Los Angeles Lakers Tuesday to capture the NBA Championship. The refereeing was loose. The Celtics were assaulting Kobe Bryant under the basket and getting away with it, proving that what goes around comes around. (Argus Hamilton)

Dale Earnhardt Jr. won at the Michigan International Speedway on Sunday. He had to coast to the finish line at the end of the four-hundred-mile race. He couldn’t afford to refuel until after they handed him the two-million-dollar check for winning. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods battled knee pain over the weekend during the U.S. Open. He must not alter his swing or other muscles could go out. The golf swing is the most unnatural act in all of sports, if you don’t count the Cubs having the best record in baseball. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods shocked the sports world Wednesday by dropping out of the PGA Tour this season for surgery. He won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. At the end of the tournament he was endorsing Buick’s new Ambulance sedan. (Argus Hamilton)

At the U. S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. When he heard that a younger African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, “Uh-oh.” (Conan O’Brien)

Tiger Woods topped crowd favorite Rocco Mediate to win the U.S. Open Monday. The gallery went wild for a guy wearing a huge peace sign for a belt buckle. They did not buy President Bush’s story that the eighteen holes were caused by Iranian rockets. (Argus Hamilton)

Disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy claims that referees fixed NBA playoff games, specifically a 2002 Lakers series against Sacramento. Apparently whenever they wanted to keep the score low, they would just keep sending Shaq to shoot free throws. (Jim Barach)

NBA Commissioner David Stern says officials did not manipulate any NBA games, just that they officiated poorly. That will make NBA fans across the country happy to know that referees aren’t crooked, just incompetent. (Jim Barach)

Major League Baseball plans to put instant replay into use by August. By that time enough bad calls by the umpires will have already decided most the pennant races anyway. The head of the Umpires Union is just asking that the instant replay equipment be available in Braille. (Jim Barach)

Major League Baseball announced plans Friday to have their umpires use instant replay on home-run calls starting in early August. NBA referees don’t need instant replay. Whenever there’s a dispute over a call, they simply ask the script supervisor. (Argus Hamilton)

The Mets fired manager Willie Randolph just after 3AM Tuesday. The team chose that time to accommodate most Mets fans who haven’t been able to sleep since last September anyway. (Jake Novak)

Ken Griffey Jr. hit his six hundredth career home run last week on the road. He got a standing ovation from fans for doing it without steroids, unlike others. He’s so ruined the curve that UCLA’s admissions office named him an honorary Asian student. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens sold his Bentley to rocker Bret Michaels Monday to pay off his mounting legal bills. It had an instant effect. The next day thousands of kids across the nation dropped out of Little League and enrolled in an afterschool pre-law program. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Kung Fu Panda” opens up this weekend. Jack Black plays the panda. Pandas are interesting – 99 percent of the panda’s food is bamboo. The other 1 percent are people who think it’s OK to pet the panda. (Craig Ferguson)

“Get Smart” opens Friday. Steve Carell plays a nit-witted government agent. Or, as they would call him at the CIA, a senior intelligence official. (Alan Ray)

Sunday’s Tony Awards on CBS received the lowest TV ratings in the show’s history. It is understandable; most of the audience was getting ready to get married on Monday. (Pedro Bartes)

“The Incredible Hulk” is in theaters. The big green monster must rescue New York City from annihilation. The only ones who are safe are the Yankees, because they’re in the basement. (Alan Ray)

The classic animated TV show “The Smurfs” will be made into a live-action movie. For the blonde Smurfette, I suggest Paris Hilton. And I know what you’re thinking — Paris is not blue. Not a problem. We can make her blue by choking her. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The continuing – and appropriate – eulogies to my friend Tim Russert suggest that, “may he rest in peace” might not be something he wants to do for eternity. Russert’s journalistic colleagues can keep him in the game by making our present politicians sweat. And have you noticed that this presidential race has completely pooped out since Friday the 13th when Tim left us? (Mark Russell)

Katie Couric said Wednesday the coverage of the Hillary Clinton campaign shows the accepted role of sexism in America. Other critics of the coverage cite liberal peer pressure to support a black man. Both sides agree something must be done about America being the world’s only superpower, the sad legacy of the straight white male. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. They’ve already scheduled their first domestic disturbance for Friday. (David Letterman)

Joan Rivers was asked to leave a live taping of the hit British talk show, “Loose Women” because she repeatedly uttered vulgarities. This begs the question, how does a show with the word “loose” in the title book a woman with a face as tight as Joan Rivers? Seriously, Joan’s face is tighter than a nun’s budget. Yes, I said “budget.” They do take a vow of poverty, you know. (Patrick Gorse)

Tom Cruise is moving to New York City. You know what that means – Mayor Bloomberg will no longer be the shortest guy in town. (David Letterman)

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital. Britney was in the room when her sister was giving birth so, ironically, the first privates the baby saw were Britney’s. (Pedro Bartes)

Ed McMahon was reported Thursday to have blown his two hundred million dollar fortune on get-rich-quick schemes. It all came apart the last few months. He could not have picked a worse time to sink everything into the gasoline-powered typewriter. (Argus Hamilton)

R. Kelly was acquitted today of child sex charges. But he didn’t help his public image much when he was asked what he was going to do next and he said: “I’m going to Disneyland!” (Jake Novak)

On Madonna’s 47-year-old brother’s new tell-all book: It’s called “Did You Know Madonna Has a Brother?” (Jim Barach)

Joan Rivers was kicked off a British daytime talk show in the middle of a live broadcast on Tuesday for using expletives to describe Russell Crowe. She was happy to have the publicity. Joan Rivers is seventy-five years old but Ed McMahon has already proved that no who worked on the Tonight Show can ever afford to stop working. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

A group of 17 schoolgirls in the Massachusetts fishing town of Gloucester are pregnant after they made a pact to do it and raise their babies together, a report said Thursday. Apparently, the schoolgirls made the pact while attending “Zoey 101” classes. (Pedro Bartes)

Teachers in California are defending shock tactics used by police in a DUI program. Officers told students that some of their classmates had been killed in a DUI wreck which was a hoax. Students were so happy to find out it wasn’t true they had a keg party for the whole campus. (Jim Barach)

The Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association has banned high school students from baring their upper body at athletic events. The got tired of the Wisconsin students flashing their huge breasts. And that’s just the guys. (Alex Kaseberg)

HISTORY

An 1878 New Haven telephone book that was one of the first directories in the country has been sold for $170,500 at Christie’s auction house in New York. The bidding was ferocious, mostly among telemarketers. (Pedro Bartes)

The Hula Hoop turns 50. It’s not as popular as it once was. Nowadays, if a person wants the sensation of plastic spinning out of control they get a credit card. (Alan Ray)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to CBS News, more and more young men are turning to Viagra. With all the drilling offshore they are hearing on the news, they want to be ready for Spring break. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Honda’s new hydrogen fuel cell car, the FCX Clarity is now being produced. The vehicle can get up to 500 miles per tank, but unfortunately the two hydrogen fuel filling stations in America are 600 miles apart. (Jake Novak)

Toyota Motors announced Thursday it will build a line of cars next year that will run on electricity. Talk about the law of unintended consequences. Every American household now wants to get ahold of Iran’s nuclear technology to build a power plant. (Argus Hamilton)

Exxon Mobil announced plans to sell all their company-owned gas stations. It’s probably due to liability costs. Last week two dozen gas station managers broke their necks from falling off the ladder they have to climb every day to raise prices. (Argus Hamilton)

The Chrysler Building is being bought by an Abu Dhabi group for $800 million. The transaction was made possible on both sides by $4 a gallon gasoline. (Jim Barach)

Southwest Airlines passengers got a scare landing in Phoenix Monday when smoke filled the cabin after a wheel blew out. It was a lesson in safety precautions. One woman nearly suffocated because she didn’t have the twenty dollars for the oxygen mask. (Argus Hamilton)

US Airways has announced what they’re calling their “In Flight Beverage Purchase Program” where they charge airline passengers $2.00 for sodas and $7.00 for alcoholic drinks. And then there’s the “In Flight Beverage Release Program,” where the airline charges ten bucks for using the restroom. (Patrick Gorse)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-21-08

  1. Vivek Khadpekar

    //Breaking News From Fox: It is being widely reported that Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, has fathered two black children.//

    So does that make him Obama Sin-Laden?

  2. Pingback: wisconsin little league baseball tournament

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