WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-28-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

If the Democratic candidate is elected president, we’ll have an Obama nation. If the Republican candidate is elected, he’ll bomb a nation. (Richard Lederer)

Former President Bill Clinton now says he is willing to do whatever he can to help Barack Obama become president, so the Obama team is asking him to campaign for John McCain. (Jake Novak)

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now — it’s official — has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn’t he? (David Letterman)

Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits this year. The city sits on a huge oil pool. Between the price of gold and the price of oil we’re lucky that people aren’t digging up the roads with their bare hands. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the Pentagon, at least 1,000 nuclear missiles or components in the U. S. arsenal are lost or cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction. (Jay Leno)

President Bush went to Iowa today. … Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about – the floods or his presidency. (Jay Leno)

By casting the key vote in the Supreme Court’s gun decision, Justice Anthony Kennedy proved again that he’s the court’s swinger who can go either way. Interns of both sexes are getting nervous. (Scott Witt)

Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom. (David Letterman)

Saudi Arabia hosted a summit to find ways to reduce prices from the oil well to the pump. Gas station owners are looking for ways to make gasoline more affordable. Across the nation they’re converting all their mini-marts into pawn shops. (Argus Hamilton)

Australian police have charged a man for drunk driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit. Police said they might have overlooked the incident if he hadn’t been doing 45 in a school zone. With gas prices rising, folks are souping up their chairs. (Joe Hickman)

Business at Nevada’s Brothels is down 45% because of gas high prices. Not so much because truckers find it hard to find money to drive to the bordellos, but rather because the price of gas is so high, the trucker’s wives are the ones working in the brothels. (Pedro Bartes)

George Carlin was remembered this week for his classic comedy routine listing the seven dirty words you can’t say on television. Not much has changed in the ensuing thirty years. You still can’t say those seven words on the air, but you can show them. (Argus Hamilton)

The Midwest floods are being called the biggest economic disaster in decades. Aside from the Bush Administration. (Jim Barach)

Belgium released a study Tuesday proving men make bad judgments about alcohol and money whenever they see a woman in a bikini. It could be worse. Seeing women covered from head to toe causes men to fly planes into buildings, so take your choice. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Here’s good news — Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn’t that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama is asking his top contributors to help Hillary Clinton pay her campaign debts. Since Obama didn’t want the 80 million in government funds, why can’t Hillary have part of that? I mean, should it all go to Ralph Nader? (Joe Hickman)

John McCain proposed Monday a $300 million dollar prize for a better auto battery. Gee, if the battery costs $300-million, I don’t think I could afford the car. No thanks, John, I’ll just keep my old Corolla and only drive downhill. (Joe Hickman)

Ralph Nader told reporters Tuesday Barack Obama is not addressing black issues of urban poverty and job cuts due to free trade because he wants to talk white. He might have a point. Barack Obama has won a Grammy and it was for a tribute to Perry Como. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery. McCain can get a new type of battery invented because he’s the guy that came up with the idea of not cranking the car up at the start. (Craig Ferguson)

The big story out there continues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon. I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill. Luckily, John McCain has the solution… offering millions of dollars to people who actually have ideas. It’s just the latest example of John McCain’s brave fight to keep Americans awake while he talks (Stephen Colbert)

John McCain drew protesters in Las Vegas Wednesday who picketed over his support for nuclear power. He’s toured many nuclear power plants and he knows they’re harmless. All radiation does is bleach your skin white, thin your hair and dump your first wife. (Argus Hamilton)

The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That’s a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough “green” energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o’clock. (Craig Ferguson)

John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering, and you know what they’re bickering about? What to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. That’s right. Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas. And I said to myself, guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first? Let’s do that. (David Letterman)

Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America. (Jon Stewart)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Someone asked President George W. Bush what he thought about Roe vs Wade. His response: “Them Iowans should decide for themselves the best way to evacuate the flooded areas.”

Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan says President Bush did not know about the CIA leak. He said the President couldn’t understand all the commotion about a leak, that the White House plumbing was just fine. (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

James Dobson says Barack Obama distorts the Bible in his speeches. It’s good experience. If the White House job falls through, he can be a TV preacher. (Joe Hickman)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court made it easier Thursday for older workers to claim they have been discriminated against due to their age. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee just announced it will sue anybody who doesn’t vote for John McCain. (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court ruled Monday to permit the construction of hundreds of miles of border wall with Mexico. It’s vitally necessary. The whole idea of the wall is to keep out terrorists who are trying to get into the United States for a fair trial. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton had promised the daughter of a supporter, when the girl was in eighth grade, that she would attend her high school graduation. On Sunday, Clinton fulfilled the pledge and spoke at the girl’s graduation. This is a switch – usually it’s Bill Clinton who makes promises to young girls. (Doug Austen)

LOCAL NEWS

Miami Beach police arrested 6 people and impounded a limousine bus that cruised Miami Beach offering sex aboard. How bad is it the foreclosure affecting the country that now bordellos run on wheels? (Pedro Bartes)

Holly Springs, Georgia is considering a $12 gasoline surcharge for anyone caught speeding, to pay for gas used by police. That’s three gallons worth. How long does it take for them to pull someone over? What’s next? A lead surcharge for anyone who gets shot by the police? (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. (Jay Leno)

Some conservative economists say they are hopeful about a rebound in the economy and say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, for most people the light at the end of the tunnel is off because they didn’t have the money to pay their electricity bill. (Pedro Bartes)

Have you noticed how expensive fireworks are? And with gasoline so expensive, we can’t afford to go anywhere. So I think this July 4th we’ll just stay home and blow up the SUV. (Joe Hickman)

Merrill Lynch’s survey said Tuesday there were ten million millionaires in the world. The list includes everyone from Arab sheiks to San Fernando Valley tract home owners. By next year it will include everyone with enough money for a full tank of gas. (Argus Hamilton)

High oil prices are absolutely killing the restaurant business. Everyone is staying home at night playing the world’s hottest new Playstation game, Grand Theft Gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

Californians now driving across the border to get cheap gas in Mexico. Here’s another tip. Instead of gas, try using Rite Aid vodka. Much cheaper, and about the same mileage. (David Letterman)

NASA & SPACE

The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila. (David Letterman)

NASA reported on Friday the Phoenix Lander exploring Mars found what analysts believe is ice. Scientists were guarded. We don’t know if there’s actually life on Mars because the presence of ice doesn’t by itself guarantee the presence of cocktails. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Thousands of Californians are heading to Mexico to buy cheaper gas. Who knew we’d have to build the border fence to keep our people in? (Jake Novak)

Californians are flocking to Mexico to buy gas because it’s 50% cheaper. But I’m not sure about the quality of gas, when you fill up they ask if you want it on the rocks or blended, salt or no salt? (Alex Kaseberg)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Queen Elizabeth stripped Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe of his knighthood on Wednesday. He’s bankrupted her former colony. The Mississippi River just tied Robert Mugabe’s record for the most number of white farmers run off their land in one sweep. (Argus Hamilton)

The owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. President Bush sent his congratulations and offered to send the new country our Constitution because we’re not using it anymore. (Pedro Bartes)

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to enter Great Britain Friday due to her past conviction and imprisonment for lying to the FBI. There’s really no need for her to be there. They already have a Queen who knows how to decorate a house like a Protestant. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iran says it will launch a nuclear attack against the West if its nuclear sites are attacked. But it’s not clear if that statement was meant to deter or encourage an attack against Iran. (Jake Novak)

Fortunately, the only way Iran could get a nuclear weapon to America today would be aboard American Airlines. And the new fee for that is prohibitive. And there’s a chance it would get lost anyway. (Joe Hickman)

AFRICA

South Africa’s former president Nelson Mandela will be honored in Europe this week with a huge celebration on his ninetieth birthday. He spent twenty-five years in prison before he served in public office. In America we do it the other way around. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The Federal Aviation Administration has removed the anti-smoking drug Chantix from the list of medications considered safe for airline pilots, mostly because Chantix does not work well when washed down with 11 martinis. (Jake Novak)

The Los Angeles Times published the results Monday of EPA-administered drug tests on the raw sewage of the world’s major cities. It shows Los Angeles leads every city in the country in cocaine use. Now you know why we don’t miss pro football. (Argus Hamilton)

Safeway begin restocking its produce shelves with tomatoes Thursday despite the threat of salmonella poisoning. It’s a humanitarian gesture. They know customers are suffering from high gasoline prices and they wanted to offer them an easy way out. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, nearly one in five Americans will be getting cosmetic surgery by 2015, mostly ex-employees of the Bush administration that will need to change their faces to get a new job. (Pedro Bartes)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A nasty heat wave is still gripping parts of the nation. It was so hot today; John McCain offered $300 million to the guy who can develop a prune Sllurpee. (Patrick Gorse)

Man it was hot yesterday. I was sweating like President Bush realizing he just promised to write a book. (Alex Kaseberg)

Mississippi River flood levees broke in Iowa on Thursday. The flooding reduced pressure on the river and saved New Orleans. After one hundred and forty years of Reconstruction it’s about time Union states picked up their share of the clean-up tab. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

In New York, Shaquille O’Neal, used racial remarks and obscenities in a derogatory rap song about Kobe Bryant and, as a result, lost his honorary Arizona deputy police badge. Too bad, Shaq was one of the best world famous seven-foot millionaire undercover agents they ever had. (Alex Kaseberg)

Shaquille O’Neal ripped into Kobe Bryant for two minutes non-stop as he performed a freestyle rap Sunday night. The crowd became unruly and upset. Not because Shaq was dissing Kobe. But because Shaq actually rapped for two minutes non-stop. (Willam Hale)

Tiger Woods decided Tuesday to sit out the PGA tour this year following his U.S. Open win. He had a broken left leg and a torn up left knee and he won the U.S. Open. It’s the most incredible feat on one leg since Heather Mills attracted Paul McCartney. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods had surgery Tuesday to repair torn knee ligaments by a famous knee surgeon, Dr. Tom Rosenberg. He works out of Park City. The only thing more lucrative than drilling where there’s oil is performing knee replacements where Baby Boomers ski. (Argus Hamilton)

Kobe Bryant headlines the group of NBA stars named to the U.S. Olympic basketball team on Monday. The NBA players will begin training this week in Las Vegas. That’s a great place to train if our goal is to take home the gold medal in stripper tipping. (Argus Hamilton)

An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. Not only did she save her life, but she will now also be featured in the next Girls Gone Wild Climbing. (Pedro Bartes)

Tennis scandal! There’s a report some big money tennis matches are fixed. Plus — when the players grunt — they’re actually lip-synching. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

ENTERTAINMENT

One critic said the new Indiana Jones movie, quote, “Made my heart pound and left me gasping for breath.” That’s also what 66-year-old Harrison Ford said after making the movie. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The movie “Wanted” opens this weekend. Angelina Jolie is a trained assassin. She studied for the role by spending time with a tobacco executive. (Alan Ray)

Dozens of up-and-coming indie rock bands will have to cancel their summer tours because of gas prices… and you thought $4 gas was a bad thing. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES

On the death of comedian George Carlin: He is currently doing a set in Heaven convincing God that He doesn’t really exist. (Jake Novak)

Don Imus said his racial crack on the radio Monday was a sarcastic point about the unfair treatment of blacks by police. It never ends. Don Imus wishes he could mention how often Jackie Robinson stole home without people thinking he’s stereotyping. (Argus Hamilton)

Don Imus implied on his radio show Monday that Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones’ six arrests aren’t surprising considering he’s black. It was an honest mistake. The next day Don Imus issued a clarification saying what he meant to say was, We Shall Overcome. (Argus Hamilton)

Ed McMahon was sued by CitiBank for a hundred and eighty thousand dollars Friday as foreclosure loomed. No one can believe he blew through his entire two hundred million dollar fortune. Normally to waste that much money you’d have to invade Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby girl was born weighing 7 pounds, 11 ounces. When Britney Spears was told her niece came in at 7-11, she said that was also the name of the place she buys beer and cigarettes for her own kids. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION

Gloucester High School in Massachusetts was rocked when dozens of girls decided to get pregnant and seventeen of them succeeded this month. It’s devastating. In addition to losing its tourism revenue, New Orleans has lost its title as the Big Easy. (Argus Hamilton)

Several girls at a Massachusetts high school have joined a “pregnancy pact,” deciding to deliberately get pregnant at the same time. Man, what some kids won’t do to get out of gym class. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

An interesting study was released today. People in California are less convinced there is a God than people of any state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires are burning out of control here. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Ted Haggard, the evangelist forced out of his job after being caught up in a sex scandal involving a male prostitute, has left a “spiritual restoration program” and said he is ready in touch with Jesus, and by Jesus he means his gardener. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

United Airlines announced Tuesday it will lay off nine hundred and fifty pilots because of tight profit margins. It’s the way things have been going. The airline figured out they can make more money off the passengers by charging extra for a pilot. (Argus Hamilton)

A couple in Maine has opened an Antique Gas Station Museum dedicated to all things related to Shell gasoline, with displays showing old gas pumps, oil filters, cans of brake fluid and other things carrying the Shell logo. There’s even a Shell squeegee so visitors can wipe away the tears from seeing pumps selling gas for a quarter. (Paul Seaburn)

The Hula Hoop turns 50. It’s not as popular as it once was. Nowadays, if a person wants the sensation of plastic spinning out of control they get a credit card. (Alan Ray)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Los Angeles Dodgers were honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce last week with their own star on Hollywood Boulevard. It’s a first. Until now no one ever thought there could be twenty-five guys on Hollywood Boulevard who couldn’t score. (Argus Hamilton)

The Houston Chronicle said Friday the Texas polygamy sect will be investigated by a West Texas grand jury this week. It’s not easy being the husband at a polygamist ranch. You leave the toilet seat up just once and suddenly you’re facing an angry mob. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

In a study: Coffee does not appear to be a health risk. That’s good news. Because – I’m not sure I’m going to be fully at peace with the world until they open a Starbucks in my living room. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Yesterday a top Starbucks executive resigned. He will receive a $120 million severance package or three lattes. (Conan O’Brien)

United Airlines and US Airways have joined American Airlines in charging $15 to check in a piece of luggage. However, you’ll still get the crying baby, the fat guy in the next seat, the snoring salesman and that guy with the personal hygiene issue absolutely free! (Tim Hunter)

United Airlines is going to start requiring one to three night minimum stays on all their flights. And that’s just to prepare for takeoff. (Jim Barach)

Continental Airlines cut routes and cities Thursday in a desperate bid to make money. There’s always a way. United Airlines has begun making money hand over fist by charging Los Angeles passengers fifteen dollars for each item of emotional baggage. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Airways infuriated customers Monday whey they began charging for soft drinks in flight. The war on terror is over. Thanks to long lines, new baggage fees, body searches, no food and three-dollar Coca-Cola’s, Americans now side with the hijackers. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

The Fourth of July approaches. Americans will be on the road celebrating their independence. That’s if the shipment of oil arrives from Kuwait. (Alan Ray)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-28-08

  1. Pingback: Why does Indian media lack political satire shows? « Tech and Trek

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