WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-12-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. (Jay Leno)

For the first time in American history, Congress’s approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don’t know how bad that is – the oil companies are at 12%. (Jay Leno)

This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages. (Jay Leno)

A man in Kentucky paid for sexual favors with a $100 gas card. Nowadays that is the only way to go all-around-the-world with a $100 gas card. (Pedro Bartes)

The U.S. is issuing the first coins with readable Braille. The writing will be on a silver dollar, the only coin with no practical use unless you are near a slot machine. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it’s not true. In fact his exact words were “I did not have textual relations with that woman.” (Jay Leno)

John Kerry is now criticizing John McCain. Kerry says McCain does not have the judgment to be president. I don’t think that’s true, I mean McCain had the good judgment not to accept Kerry’s offer to be his running mate in 2004. That shows pretty good judgment right there! (Jay Leno)

Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I’ve got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don’t know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. That’s what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News. (Conan O’Brien)

I don’t think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain’s Medicare. (Jay Leno)

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for trading sex for gasoline. Didn’t that used to be called “hitchhiking”? (Jim Barach)

President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson’s estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia. (Argus Hamilton)

And here’s a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That’s what he said, stupid thing, that’s what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate. (Jay Leno)

The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they’re so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America “a nation of whiners” and said the country is only in a “mental recession.” Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house — that’s all in your mind!” (Jay Leno)

Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama’s plane had to make an emergency landing Monday after a rear exit chute deployed during flight. The reporters onboard were shocked. Nobody thought that Hillary would tamper with his plane until after his fundraiser for her on Wednesday. (Argus Hamilton)

Jesse Jackson said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child. (Jay Leno)

Jesse Jackson was caught on camera making derogatory remarks about Barack Obama. Between Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Jeremiah Wright, if Barack received any more abuse at the hands of clergymen he’d be an alter boy. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jesse Jackson says he’s been trying to apologize to Barack Obama for saying he wants to cut his nuts off, but Obama has not taken his calls. That’s the story. Probably Jackson is so mad that Barack won’t take his calls that once again, he’s threatened to cut his nuts off. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event yesterday, John McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. That’s what he said. Yeah, mainly cause all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. “We should just try, just a little.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama apologized in Montana for not walking in a July Fourth parade. He said the Secret Service would have made the crowd hold up their hands as he walked by. To Democrats he’d look like Jesus and to Republicans he’d look like a bank robber. (Argus Hamilton)

ABC News has learned that the McCain campaign has hired Mike DuHaime, former Giuliani’s campaign manager, as political director. The changes didn’t wait, especially when McCain announced he’ll make some changes Sunday at 9:11 PM. (Pedro Bartes)

Presidential candidate Ralph Nader says that this November he expects to be on the ballot in at least 45 states. Yeah. Nader’s exact quote was “I hope to screw things up in at least 45 states.” (Conan O’Brien)

John Kerry told Face the Nation Sunday John McCain does not have the judgment to be president. Four years ago John Kerry asked McCain to be his running mate on the Democratic Party ticket. John Kerry was for John McCain before he was against him. (Argus Hamilton)

The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000- seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver’s 80,000-seat football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together. That shows you what a great country it is. Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity! (Jay Leno)

It was reported last week that Barack Obama is looking for a dog to take with him to the White House. Senator McCain doesn’t have that problem; he already has twelve pets: several dogs, three birds and Joe Lieberman. (Pedro Bartes)

Presidential candidate John McCain, reacted to a report of rising U.S. cigarette exports to Iran by saying it may be “a way of killing ’em.” Apparently, he doesn’t want to bomb Iran anymore, but rather smoke them up. (Pedro Bartes)

James Dobson says Barack Obama distorts the Bible in his speeches. It’s good experience. If the White House job falls through, he can be a TV preacher. (Joe Hickman)

Barack Obama is asking his top contributors to help Hillary Clinton pay her campaign debts. Since Obama didn’t want the 80 million in government funds, why can’t Hillary have part of that? I mean, should it all go to Ralph Nader? (Joe Hickman)

Ralph Nader today accused Barack Obama of talking “white.” You know what, Ralph? It beats your gig — talking to yourself… (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

Barack Obama has abandoned a commitment to use the federal public financing system instead of privately-raised funds. Apparently, Obama had no idea Democrats had that much money. Republicans didn’t either. Suddenly, liberals are wonderful. (Joe Hickman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

According to political analysts, a great number of Republicans don’t want president Bush at the GOP convention because it could hurt them. Their plan is to organize the convention at the White House, because Bush is never there. (Pedro Bartes)

And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon, this guy is on top of everything. But Bush said now he’s not just for offshore drilling, but now he says he’s looking for other alternatives — like today he supports drilling for solar energy, see I don’t think he quite understands, I think he’s a little confused (Jay Leno)

There was one embarrassing moment for the President today at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don’t get married. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Conservatives are putting their deceased hero, retired Senator Jesse Helms, in the same league with Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, and they’re correct. All three died on the Fourth of July. (Scot Webb)

THE COURTS

By casting the key vote in the Supreme Court’s gun decision, Justice Anthony Kennedy proved again that he’s the court’s swinger who can go either way. Interns of both sexes are getting nervous. (Scot Webb)

THE STATES

Starting next month, thousands of government employees in Utah will only work 4 days per week in an effort aimed at reducing energy costs and commuters’ gasoline expenses. From now onwards, government employees in Utah will try to accomplish nothing in only 4 days per week. (Pedro Bartes)

LOCAL NEWS

A couple in Maine has opened an Antique Gas Station Museum dedicated to all things related to Shell gasoline, with displays showing old gas pumps, oil filters, cans of brake fluid and other things carrying the Shell logo. There’s even a Shell squeegee so visitors can wipe away the tears from seeing pumps selling gas for a quarter. (Paul Seaburn)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Boulder police say DNA evidence now clears the Ramsey family in the 1996 murder of their six-year-old daughter Jon Benet Ramsey. In addition, the Boulder police revealed they think OJ Simpson may have been somewhat involved in his wife Nicole’s murder (Alex Kaseberg)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

On the man arrested at LAX after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack: No explosives were found, but officials said he was apparently carrying a pirated copy of “The Love Guru.” (Pedro Bartes)

Gun rights supporters say that visitors to the International Airport in Atlanta should be allowed to carry guns. And that’s just to get their luggage. (Jim Barach)

Fortunately, the only way Iran could get a nuclear weapon to America today would be aboard American Airlines. And the new fee for that is prohibitive. And there’s a chance it would get lost anyway. (Joe Hickman)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The Automobile Club reported gasoline prices hit a new record high Monday. The West Coast is hardest hit. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that drunks who drive their cars off the cliffs of Mulholland Drive have been forced to carpool. (Argus Hamilton)

High oil prices are absolutely killing the restaurant business. Everyone is staying home at night playing the world’s hottest new Playstation game, Grand Theft Gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY

The pentagon announced Wednesday that Boeing Co. and Northrop Grumman Corp., a French company, would have to submit new offers for an Air Force tanker contract. The French company claims they will make the best tanker for the pentagon because it is for their own interest. After all, the French need America to protect their asses. (Pedro Bartes)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Berlin was vandalized during the museum’s grand opening when a German walked into the gallery and tore off Adolf Hitler’s head. Such is the life of a politician. It’s always, what have you done for me lately? (Argus Hamilton)

France’s first lady, Carla Bruni, who used to date Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger, Donald Trump, Kevin Costner to name a few, has released a new album online. In it she dedicates each song to a former lover. That explains why there are 3,397 songs on the album. (Alex Kaseberg)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iran says it will launch a nuclear attack against the West if its nuclear sites are attacked. But it’s not clear if that statement was meant to deter or encourage an attack against Iran. (Jake Novak)

This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things were going so well. We had this big love-fest going! I hope this doesn’t, ruin it, in any way! (Jay Leno)

It was known this Tuesday that the US exports bull semen to Iran. Why don’t we export bull crap? Because we have a lot of that here… (Pedro Bartes)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia hosted a summit to find ways to reduce prices from the oil well to the pump. Gas station owners are looking for ways to make gasoline more affordable. Across the nation they’re converting all their mini-marts into pawn shops. (Argus Hamilton)

The United Arab Emirates has excused $3 billion of Iraq’s debt to improve diplomatic ties. Let’s see. The largest terrorist financier getting chummy with Iraq. Gosh, what could go wrong there? (Alex Kaseberg)

The government of Abu Dhabi has purchased the Chrysler Building in Manhattan. Now we all know where the safest tallest offices in the world are located. (Pedro Bartes)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Australian police have charged a man for drunk driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit. Police said they might have overlooked the incident if he hadn’t been doing 45 in a school zone. With gas prices rising, folks are souping up their chairs. (Joe Hickman)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The FDA was swamped by complaints from tomato growers that tomato sales have been killed by the false publicity about salmonella poisoning. Jalapeno peppers from Mexico are now suspected. If they don’t find the tainted jalapeno peppers before the next census, it’s going to cost the Southwest dozens of congressional seats. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A nasty heat wave is still gripping parts of the nation. It was so hot today; John McCain offered $300 million to the guy who can develop a prune Sllurpee. (Patrick Gorse)

Universal Studios announced Monday it bought the Weather Channel. It’s to help their theme parks. Universal is going to use all the Weather Channel’s footage from the last month to create a new ride called It’s a Small World and It’s Coming to an End (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

On Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife filing for divorce: Because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs. (Conan O’Brien)

Shaquille O’Neal ripped into Kobe Bryant for two minutes non-stop as he performed a freestyle rap Sunday night. The crowd became unruly and upset. Not because Shaq was dissing Kobe. But because Shaq actually rapped for two minutes non-stop. (Willam Hale)

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved his team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The team will change names. It’s the first name change since the Washington Bullets, in an effort to improve their public image, changed their name to the Baltimore Bullets. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia filed for divorce Monday alleging his infidelity with strippers and Madonna. He’s been playing great despite all the controversy. Alex Rodriguez is the only hitter who sees the ball better when he’s in the tabloids. (Argus Hamilton)

$125 mil-New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is having an affair with Madonna and A-Rod’s wife, Cynthia, is having an affair with Lenny Kravitz. Who says money can’t buy class? (Alex Kaseberg)

Since his affair with Madonna, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez has been in a slump. And don’t look for any help from Jason Giambi, after A-Rod slept with Madonna there is no way Giambi will lend A-Rod the slump-busting gold thong. (Alex Kaseberg)

Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon Sunday, beating Roger Federer in the best played and most epic tennis match anybody has ever seen. The whole world was riveted. Osama bin Laden was almost captured because he refused to change caves during the fifth set. (Argus Hamilton)

Tennis scandal! There’s a report some big money tennis matches are fixed. Plus — when the players grunt — they’re actually lip-synching. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. Not only did she save her life, but she will now also be featured in the next Girls Gone Wild Climbing. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Howard Wolfson, a close friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton, is joining Fox News Channel as a Democratic analyst. Isn’t being a Democratic analyst for Fox like being a librarian for the Bush White House? (Janice Hough)

Another DJ made a controversial racial remark; it was Don Imus… Well, there you go, now we know. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Cynthia Rodriguez claims she could no longer tolerate her husband’s cheating, to which Hillary Clinton said “Oh, you get used to it. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” (Jay Leno)

Of course, the other big celebrity divorce trial going on in New York, Christy Brinkley, boy, is that getting sleazy, oh my God. Her husband, Peter Cook, admitted on the stand he trolled the Internet and masturbated in front of strangers on his webcam. … How creepy is that, admitting to masturbating in front of strangers on the Internet? And today, Senator Larry Craig said “That was you? Oh! I can’t believe it!” They’re calling these two trials the most embarrassing thing to happen in New York since the governor, and the last governor.” –Jay Leno

Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce Monday because of his infatuation with Madonna. They were clearly meant for each other. E-Harmony set them up when they wrote on the questionnaire that the most important thing in life is to fill a stadium. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre told the Green Bay Packers he wanted to cancel retirement and play this year. Retirement was a disappointment. He thought that since the government pays him not to grow cotton, Green Bay was going to pay him not to play football. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince Charles has an Aston Martin car that has been converted to run on red wine. That gives new meaning to “vintage auto”.When he goes to fill the tank, they ask will it be “imported” or “domestic”. (Jim Barach)

Britney Spears was snubbed for an Emmy in her recurring role on “How I Met Your Mother”. Apparently the Academy of television Arts and Sciences was afraid she might try dancing at the awards show like she did at the MTV VMAs. (Jim Barach)

Larry Harmon, the best known person to play Bozo the Clown on TV has died at 83. He will best be remembered as the role model for nearly every member of the Bush Administration. (Jim Barach)

Christie Brinkley wept on the witness stand in her divorce trial in Long Island Thursday. She was describing how she learned that her husband was cheating on her. She spoke at a school assembly and none of the senior girls would look her in the eye. (Argus Hamilton)

Larry King was honored in Hollywood Thursday when the intersection of Cahuenga Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard was renamed Larry King Square. Local residents are extremely puzzled. An intersection seems like a strange place to put a softball field. (Argus Hamilton)

Warren Beatty was given the Lifetime Achievement Award in Hollywood on Tuesday by the American Film Institute. For over thirty years he was the biggest womanizer in Hollywood. Nobody seriously thinks the Lifetime Achievement Award is for his acting. (Argus Hamilton)

Boone Pickens began a TV campaign Tuesday urging the use of wind power to generate electricity. He’s got five thousand windmill turbines spinning away in West Texas. For Boone Pickens it’s just an investment, but for the geese it’s the French Revolution. (Argus Hamilton)

Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan sued the Internal Revenue Service Thursday to keep them from helping Australian tax collectors who are pursuing him. He laughed it off to reporters. Fighting with the IRS is the Senior Tour for crocodile wrestlers. (Argus Hamilton)

OK magazine paid Jamie Lynn Spears $1 million, Jessica Alba $1.5 million and Mathew McConaughey $3 million for the picture of their recently born babies. Isn’t that traumatizing for the kids? How would those babies feel when they grow up and find out one is worth more than the other is? Shouldn’t the government have a fixed fee for celebrity babies? (Pedro Bartes)

On Matthew McConaughey’s Brazilian girlfriend giving birth to a boy: He greeted the world just like his father – shirtless. (Doug Austen)

Divorce court records show Christie Brinkley’s husband Peter Cook spent more than $3,000-a-month on Internet porn. Forget gas prices, REAL inflation is when you’re married to one of the most beautiful women in the world and you still need to spend that much on porn. (Jake Novak)

The Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce trial was settled out of court. Earlier it was revealed that Cook spent $3,000 a month on pornography, or as he prefers to call it: prostate cancer prevention. (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

Some states are making it harder for illegal immigrants to attend college by denying in-state tuition benefits or banning undocumented students. This is a dangerous precedent; next thing you know they’ll be requiring all students to know how to read and write. (Jake Novak)

The Methodist Church’s South Central Jurisdiction meets next week in Dallas to hear a challenge to the Bush Library being built at SMU. They object most to the think tank that will be attached to the library. Stagnant water just breeds mosquitoes. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

A “prayer at the pump” movement has begun where people are holding vigils for lower prices at gas stations across the country. Of course, most the people holding the vigils have to hitchhike to get there. There are also “prayer at the pump” vigils held at ExxonMobil headquarters every day, where they pray that the price of oil goes to $200 a barrel. (Jim Barach)

Jesse Jackson was caught on camera making derogatory remarks about Barack Obama. Jackson was once caught saying the anti-semetic term Hymie-town, and he paid hundred’s of thousands to his mistress and her illegitimate child. Who does Jackson think he is, the governor of New York? (Alex Kaseberg)

The women from the polygamous sect in Texas are starting a clothing line. They are still a little behind the times. To them, “on-line clothing” is how you dry the laundry. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Several girls at a Massachusetts high school have joined a “pregnancy pact,” deciding to deliberately get pregnant at the same time. Man, what some kids won’t do to get out of gym class. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Thousands of Americans are lining up to buy the new Apple iPhone 3G. It might seem like a waste of time, but standing in line for days to get an overpriced item is great practice for what it’s going to be like to buy gas in this country by the end of the year. (Jake Novak)

Fashion retailer Steve and Barry’s has filed for bankruptcy protection. Creditors apparently haven’t gone for the store’s latest remittance offer. Free gift wrapping. (Alan Ray)

GM may start selling mini cars that get 40 miles per gallon. The great thing is, they fit perfectly right in the back of their SUVs. (Jim Barach)

American Airlines workers are preparing for thousands of more job cuts. The airline figures they only need half the employees since they cancel half the flights, anyway. (Jim Barach)

Northwest Airlines is cutting 2,500 jobs. The layoff notices are terse. “We are proud to announce 3 new departures. Flight 492 to Memphis. Flight 637 to Detroit. And, most significantly, you!” (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new study from the University of Alabama at Birmingham has found that when gas prices go up the number of traffic deaths drops. Unfortunately, the number of heart attacks at the pumps triples. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-12-08

  1. I tried to publish an obituary, but the dog ate my opinion on Jesse Helms.

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  3. Pingback: Bookmarks about Texas

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