WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-26-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

McCain said he’d balance the budget by the end of the year, and Barack Obama said he’d would bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians. I don’t know who not to believe. (Jay Leno)

According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U. S. Maybe this was Bush’s plan all along against illegal immigration – just run the economy down and wait for them to leave? (Pedro Bartes)

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don’t know, I think he’s done okay. I think he’s done okay if you don’t count Iraq. The economy. The environment. Afghanistan. The mortgage crisis. The deficit. Gas prices. Hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping. The national debt. Tainted food. Failure to catch bin Laden. CIA leaks. Other than that, I think it’s been pretty good. (David Letterman)

35 year-old Alex Rodriguez is dating nearly 50 year-old Madonna; I’m not saying she’s too old for him, but after they have a love spat, Madonna puts A-Rod in a time-out. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could cripple the U. S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows about, it’s crippling the economy. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama issued a strict dress code for staffers and media while they were in Israel and Muslim countries. The campaign didn’t want to offend any religious group in the region. People in the Middle East don’t worship Obama the way reporters do. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was ripped by conservatives Friday for proposing huge spending on federal programs to stimulate the economy. His economic philosophy is self-evident. His father was from Kenya and his mother was a Kansan, and that makes him a Keynesian. (Argus Hamilton)

Lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they’re not making? Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that’s more than a dollar. (Stephen Colbert)

President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn’t that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he’s right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was denied permission to speak at Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate where Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan gave speeches during the Cold War. Germany says it’s reserved for presidents. Saviors have to start at the beer halls and work their way up. (Argus Hamilton)

Oh, the price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil companies. “We got to stop the bleeding!” (Jay Leno)

The Democratic Convention was reported Tuesday to be planning to give Denver’s homeless free tickets to movies and the zoo to keep them out of sight. There still will be a lot of suffering visible at the convention. For starters, they won’t allow fried food. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA

The top TV anchors accompanying Barack Obama overseas deny that they are in the tank for him even though they ignored earlier trips by his unnamed opponent. “We are covering Barack’s ascension to the presidency with a total lack of bias,” they explained. (Scott Witt)

Karl Rove is denying that his ties to the Republican Party undermines his credibility working for Fox News. To which everyone at Fox News asked “What’s credibility?” Actually, he says it was pretty much a prerequisite for getting the job in the first place. (Jim Barach)

NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, “That’s ridiculous, we’ve never even heard of John McCain.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama caught a break Thursday when all three major network news anchors decided to cover his trip to the Middle East. They were following their instincts as reporters. The chance to see a guy walking on the Sea of Galilee comes maybe twice. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker. (Jay Leno)

John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It’s eight. (Jay Leno)

To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama is in Europe. He was met there with glorious adulation and warm, hearty cheers from well wishers. And once he left the network news anchors, it was on to greet the people. (Alan Ray)

John McCain unveiled a TV ad Monday that blames Barack Obama for rising gasoline prices. It seems it was quite effective because today Dick Cheney announced he’s endorsing Obama. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, this is Barack’s third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home. (Jay Leno)

The media reported yesterday that, during his visit to Iraq, Barack Obama shot a three-pointer in front of the troops from way downtown. McCain immediately said thanks to the surge Obama was able to shoot from downtown. (Pedro Bartes)

Today’s New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U. S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies. (Conan O’Brien)

It was reported Monday that Barack Obama is the presidential candidate with the bigger number of paid staffers in history. Well, when you have people in your own party that want to cut your nuts you need as much protection as possible. (Pedro Bartes)

Phil Gramm has resigned as John McCain’s campaign co-chairman after calling Americans a bunch of “whiners”. He has said he is quitting and that it was just so unfair and that one day they will all be sorry! (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I’d like to circumcise him. (Jay Leno)

John McCain has picked up the endorsement of Chuck Norris. Both have something in common. One played a character named “Walker”. The other keeps one around in case he falls. (Alan Ray)

McCain decided to counteract Obama’s speech in Victory Column in Berlin and gave his own speech at a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. As if that wasn’t enough, McCain left the place goostepping and drove out in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama landed in Afghanistan on Saturday where he met with the provincial governor of Jalalabad. It was nothing new to him. To Democrats, all governors who don’t run New York or Massachusetts or California are considered provincial governors. (Argus Hamilton)

Now, you know, I don’t want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is “Bob Dole.” That’s not good. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He’s in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch. (David Letterman)

Things are not going particularly well for John McCain. He’s way behind in the polls and there’s news that Barack Obama’s merchandise is outselling John McCain by four to one. McCain has a strong lead when it comes to sales of the McClapper and the McDiaper, which I wore during the Super Bowl. They’re excellent. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The big story is still Barack Obama’s world tour. I got to give him credit. Once again today, he made history by being the first man to travel around the world in a plane propelled only by the power of the media’s flash photography. (Stephen Colbert)

Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in Germany today. A huge crowd turned out to hear him speak. More than 200,000 people cheering him enthusiastically. It’s the first time they’ve seen a black person there since they lost Milli Vanilli. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Things are so bad for John McCain — I know this is going to seem like a joke — but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here’s what came up: nothing. That’s real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn’t know how to get on the internet, so it probably won’t bother him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Well, here’s the latest on John Edwards’ vice presidential chances. Too much vice, not enough presidential. (Jay Leno)

Well, it was leaked yesterday regarding a possible vice presidential running mate. John McCain could be leaning towards Tim Pawlenty. Apparently, McCain wants to lower his profile even more. I’m not even sure who Pawlenty was, so I Googled him and it said “Who?” He’s governor of Minnesota, is that what it is? (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as “a total failure.” Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, “Oh, come on, I’ve hardly spent any time in my office.” (Conan O’Brien)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has called President Bush a “total failure”. President Bush says that isn’t true. What better accomplishment for a man from an oil family than watching crude soar to $150 a barrel? (Jim Barach)

President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either. (Jay Leno)

President Bush visited California to survey damage from the wildfires. He says it was painful to see all those beautiful trees burned toe the ground before they could be cut down. (Jim Barach)

President Bush won’t demand energy conservation measures. He figures the best system is to just let oil companies keep raising the price of gasoline until no one can drive any more. (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

On Vice President Cheney’s recent checkup: During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig gave a Senate speech Tuesday that raised eyebrows. He said the U.S. shouldn’t let other countries jerk us around by the gas nozzle. If he had said that with his foot he would have been thrown in jail for violating his probation. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican Congressman John Peterson says the energy crisis is a greater threat to the country than terrorism. However, the high energy prices have made flying so expensive even the terrorists don’t want to fly any more. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

Billy Crystal was appointed Friday to serve on the World Trade Center Memorial Committee. This is an effort to get the memorial moving. After seven years they have concluded that what’s been holding up the project is that it doesn’t have enough laughs. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The attorney for a Gitmo defendant dropped his pants at a news conference. Apparently he misunderstood when reporters asked to see his briefs. (Jim Barach)

Gambler James Battista has been sentenced to prison for his role in the Tim Donaghy NBA refereeing scandal. He’s also getting an additional two years for selling Knicks tickets to a minor. (Jake Novak)

There’s an online registry that lists every known meth lab in the U.S that have been identified by Johnny Law as one-time meth labs. Or, if you want more up-to-date info, you can always check Amy Winehouse’s blackberry. (Pedro Bartes)

Several states are reportedly admitting sex offenders to government-run nursing homes… because if there’s anything that makes somebody lose interest in sex, it’s living in a nursing home. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

A report says the U.S. could convert completely to hydrogen power by the year 2050, with an investment of $200 Billion. Unfortunately, the government has invested $1 Trillion just to secure the oil in Iraq. (Jim Barach)

Well, experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day. (Jay Leno)

The “Misery Index” is at a fifteen year high. The index is based on unemployment and inflation. If it included gas prices, personal debt and the banking situation, it would have to be renamed the “Disaster Index”. (Jim Barach)

President Bush said that Wall Street “got drunk,” and now it’s “got a hangover.” If they have the hangover, why is it that we all have the headache? (Pedro Bartes)

The national minimum wage increases by 70 cents today to $6.55 per hour, meaning Americans now need to work just two hours per day to be able to afford to drive to work. (Jake Novak)

A new video shows President Bush saying our economic woes are because “Wall Street got drunk.” In reaction to those comments, shares of liquor and wine stocks are up 15% in the pre-market. (Jake Novak)

The government has swooped in to protect Wall Street brokerages by making it illegal to sell their stock short, freeing the brokerages to continue selling everyone else’s stocks short. (Jake Novak)

America’s minimum wage has reached $6.55 an hour, and it’ll continue to go up. The goal is to wipe out poverty within ten years by guaranteeing that low-skilled workers always have enough money to buy cigarettes. (Scott Witt)

Freddie Mac is preparing to issue stocks for sale. You can get them in one ply soft with 1000 sheets or the two-ply super soft with 650 sheets. (Pedro Bartes)

Freddie Mac is preparing to issue stock for sale. Apparently the certificates will be very decorative so buyers can use them for wallpaper when the company goes under. (Jim Barach)

Oklahoma oilman Boone Pickens proposed wind energy in a Senate hearing Tuesday. He’s been an oilman all his life but he says America has to wean itself off oil. This new law saying bartenders have to tell you when you’ve had enough is a real pain. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY

Congress is furious at Air Force officials for spending anti-terrorism funds on luxury aircraft interiors in transport planes used by the generals. They wanted something nicer than business class travel. A bag of peanuts would’ve accomplished that. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE OLYMPICS

Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash. (Jay Leno)

China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you’ll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, “You can do that?” (Jay Leno)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

London is now the most expensive place in the world to park, at nearly $70 a day. Mostly because that is still cheaper than driving around and having to pay for gasoline. Los Angeles is still the cheapest place to park. It costs nothing to park a car all day and not move. But that’s just on the 405 Freeway. (Jim Barach)

Buckingham Palace suffered further water damage Thursday which Queen Elizabeth can’t afford to fix. She can’t get a home equity loan. Her family’s only owned the house for a thousand years and the Bank of England doesn’t like to lend to speculators. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

The Iraqi government says it’s hoping for a U.S. troop withdrawal by 2010… as long as we take them with us. (Jake Novak)

So far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama’s plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying “we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal,” God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision (Jon Stewart)

The military trial of Osama bin Laden’s driver begins today. Do you know what they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him! How do you catch bin Laden’s driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down under the seat in the back of the car? Didn’t the guy pick him up every day at his house? (Jay Leno)

I don’t think this guy is being totally honest either. Like, he claims he didn’t know where bin Laden lives, even though he was his driver. He said whenever he drove bin Laden around, he was always blind-folded (Jay Leno)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim called his arrest on sodomy charges a “dirty trick and conspiracy.” Not to mention the sodomy charges are a real pain-in-the-ass. (Alex Kaseberg)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new study says that Viagra can increase the sexual desire in women who are on antidepressants, especially when they finally see something moving in their husbands’ pants. (Pedro Bartes)

A study says that breast self exams do little good. Apparently those doctors doing the study want to get in on a little more of the action. (Jim Barach)

US Health officials are warning that Jalapeno peppers have salmonella; the symptoms of salmonella include stomach pain, sweating and diarrhea, essentially the same symptoms you get when you eat Jalapenos. This just in: scientists have discovered that Jalapenos are the same thing as salmonella. (Alex Kaseberg)

A study says pomegranate juice is the healthiest of all drinks. Coming in second is red wine. Judging by the winos you see on the street, that is one heck of a drop off from first to second. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Kansas environmentalists resisted the construction of windmill turbines Friday because they break up the beauty of the prairie. Kansans like it flat. You can stand on your front porch in Kansas and watch your dog run away for a long, long time. (Argus Hamilton)

It was so hot in New York, Alex Rodriguez had more hot flashes than his girlfriend Madonna. (Alex Kaseberg)

It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dolly in the Gulf of Mexico as it neared landfall in South Texas Tuesday. No evacuation was ordered. Nevertheless, a lot of families drove to Dallas just to feel what it’s like to get a hundred miles per gallon. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

The baseball All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium lasted a record four hours and fifty minutes and went fifteen innings. If the game had been played in Los Angeles, that means the last nine innings would have been played in an empty stadium. (Jim Barach)

The Green Bay Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings Thursday for improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can’t even go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against him. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL began reviewing game films Tuesday to see if players were using secret gang signs on the field. There’s a reason most teams have gone to the no-huddle offense. The players can’t associate with one another or it violates their probations. (Argus Hamilton)

How weak is baseball’s National League West? The San Diego Padres are .375 and still in the hunt. This year winning the National League West is like being the named Ralph Nader’s running mate. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Dark Night has become the fastest movie to make $200 million at the box office. The only people making money faster are Christian Bale’s defense attorneys. (Jake Novak)

The Dark Knight shattered box office records, raking in more than $155 million in its opening weekend. Of course with what movie tickets cost now, $155 million at the box office means only about 100 people saw the film. (Jake Novak)

The new film Mamma Mia! broke the opening weekend box office record for a musical, making $27.6 million. It also broke the record for attracting the most men who really wanted to see The Dark Knight but decided they’d better see Mamma Mia! if they wanted to still get lucky with their girlfriends. (Jake Novak)

Mad Men received eighteen Emmy nominations Monday for the show about a New York advertising agency in the early Sixties. All the characters drink, smoke and have sex in the workplace. There was a time in this country when there was no such thing as a sick day. (Argus Hamilton)

Saturday Night Live producers announced Monday the show will start four weeks early this fall to lampoon the presidential race. They will only do Obama jokes in the first thirty minutes of the show. After midnight it’s technically the Lord’s Day. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer with his mistress and love child at the Beverly Hilton Monday. It’s lucky the former presidential candidate is one of the nation’s best personal injury lawyers. He can represent himself after Elizabeth kills him. (Argus Hamilton)

Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger opened to all-time record audiences this weekend. The actor’s almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your career. (Argus Hamilton)

Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills moved to West Hollywood Monday. She has finally found where she belongs. If it weren’t for the music on the ice cream truck, people in West Hollywood wouldn’t know when it’s time for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears lost custody of her two toddlers to former husband Kevin Federline Friday in a court ruling. The tabloids hurt her cause. There was a time when a photograph of a mother holding onto her little half pints meant kids, not half pints. (Argus Hamilton)

“Batman” star Christian Bale is accused of beating up his own mother and sister at the film’s premiere in London. Bale told police they were wearing so much makeup, he mistakenly thought they were the Joker. (Jake Novak)

Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his mother and sister. It’s understandable; how would you react if your mom and sister washed your superhero cape together with some red underwear? (Pedro Bartes)

Billy Joel closed out Shea Stadium with a special appearance from Paul McCartney. The audience got to enjoy more hits than Mets Fans have seen over the past three seasons. (Jim Barach)

Jesse Jackson apologized again Thursday when tapes revealed he used the N-word as he vowed to cut off Obama’s testicles. He had reason to use language like that. Jesse Jackson’s sick and tired of being the only politician in America with no Grammy. (Argus Hamilton)

Star Jones’ husband, Al Reynolds, is trying to set the record straight because the media keeps saying he’s gay. Reynolds said he is not a homosexual, his sexual category is officially an Anyone-but-Star-Jones-O’sexual. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Jonas brothers have purchased a house together in Texas. Finally a house in Texas that will have more young girls than the polygamists’ sect compound! (Pedro Bartes)

The New York Post said Friday Lindsay Lohan might have a teen-aged half-sister in Long Island she never knew was alive. The rush is on to find her. These people get so many millions for their baby pictures, it’s a better investment than oil futures. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

A report says that one out of every four students in California is dropping out. Most students figure they don’t need school. They have both a Governor and President who have done very well without even a basic grasp of English. (Jim Barach)

More colleges are making their dorm rooms eco friendly. Just like in the 70s when there were home grown plants in just about every student’s room. (Jim Barach)

A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic” (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

Evangelical Christian groups are objecting to Oprah’s independent Christianity as not being conservative enough. Which is odd because you would think that they would let Oprah worship how she wants to seeing as how she is god and everything. (Alex Kaseberg)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Whoopi Goldberg insisted on her right to say the N-word Friday. It’s a Southern thing. Blacks say the N-word, but not around white people, rednecks say the N-word in jokes, but not around black people, and Anglo-Normans say the N-word, but only at white guys who can’t drive, stoplights that turn red, and golf balls that go out of bounds. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Swiss drug maker Roche is paying $43.7 billion to buy New Jersey-based Genentech. Roche figured than any company that can make something out of the gene pool in New Jersey must be worth its weight in gold. (Jake Novak)

Ford posted an $8.7 billion loss in the last three months. The company expects to do better in the next three months by cutting costs and selling their SUV’s at Detroit pawn shops. (Jake Novak)

The CEO of mortgage lender Freddie Mac made $20 Million last year despite the company losing half its value. Even oil company executives were wondering how he pulled that off. (Jim Barach)

American Airlines is planning on laying off 1,500 maintenance workers. Apparently they feel there is no sense in maintaining planes that are just sitting on the ground. (Jim Barach)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

A professor of DePaul University in Chicago estimates that 15 to 20 per cent of people are chronic procrastinators. The study will be published later this year, or next year, or maybe never. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

Chicago O’Hare Airport officials dispatched ambulances to assist the Mexicana Airlines jet that overshot the runway and crashed into a safety barrier Friday. No one was hurt. All one hundred and forty-two passengers parachuted out over California. (Argus Hamilton)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-26-08

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