WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-02-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Alluding to the surplus that Bush inherited on taking office in 2001: “The president who repeatedly pledged to cut the deficit in half has instead brought it to a record high. President Bush squandered a $236 billion surplus, ran up record deficits and added nearly $4 trillion to the national debt. Mr. President, we will be forever in your debt.” (Rep. Rahm Emanuel, Dem. IL)

I’m going to Green Bay for Brett Favre straight up (Sign held by Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez during game hours before his trade to the Dodgers)

President Bush says that we have economic problems because Wall Street got drunk and has a hangover. What the President fails to mention is that he has been tending bar for nearly eight years. (Jim Barach)

McCain is not backing down. He’s defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being “all talk and little action.” That’s what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action. (Jay Leno)

Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there’s a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that. (Jay Leno)

There’s excitement in the air over the Olympics…also lead, arsenic, benzene. (David Letterman)

Heard about this group called “Prayer at the Pump”? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan. (Jay Leno)

LA had a 5.4 earthquake which is fine unless you happen to be getting laser eye surgery or a circumcision; and heaven forbid you were getting laser eye surgery and a circumcision at the same time during the quake because you could end up cock-eyed. (Alex Kaseberg)

You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States. (David Letterman)

In the blockbuster movie “The Dark Knight,” Aaron Eckert plays crusading district attorney Harvey Dent. Tragically a major portion of Harvey Dent’s face and body are badly burnt, leaving him hideous on the left half. While Dent is charismatic and likable in the first part of the film, by the end he really shows his ugly side. (Richard Lederer)

The new Kevin Costner movie “Swing Vote” is about one man’s vote deciding who becomes the U.S. President. It was originally called “The Antonin Scalia Story”. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE OLYMPICS

Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. (David Letterman)

Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks. (Jay Leno)

The International Olympic Committee on Thursday kicked Iraq’s Olympic team out of the Summer Games in China. The Shiites are very difficult to train. During baseball practice, the outfielders didn’t just overthrow the cut-off man, they toppled his statue. (Argus Hamilton)

The U. S. Olympic basketball team played a practice game in Las Vegas Friday, then flew to Macau for two more. The NBA stars are playing three games in two gambling capitals. They never should have hired Charles Barkley as their strength and conditioning coach. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush met with the 2008 US Beijing Olympic team at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Bush was introduced to a rowing crew and, when he met the coxswain, Bush said; “That’s fine, I don’t ask, you don’t tell.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Now you think I’m exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck. (David Letterman)

In other Olympic news, China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don’t want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch. (Conan O’Brien)

China said Monday that Islamic militants have made threats against the Olympic games in Beijing. They said they have tight control over security. Under China’s strict one-child policy, the U. S. Olympic basketball team will not be permitted to date. (Argus Hamilton)

The Olympics start the Friday after next. For some reason, they’re having them in Beijing, and the government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things they do in that country every day. It’s like when your mom comes to visit your dorm. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE CANDIDATES

John McCain accepts Social Security benefits because “My Senatorial salary is way too small to survive. Hell, do you know how big the insurance bill is on eleven mansions?” (Paul Benoit)

Barack Obama wrote a prayer to God which he placed in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall last week. The prayer note was retrieved by a seminary student and published in an Israeli newspaper. Everybody in Israel wanted to know if it was addressed, Dear Dad. (Argus Hamilton)

Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur. (Jay Leno)

Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It’s a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad, her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, “I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.” {Jon Stewart)

Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he’s looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he’s wrong. Wouldn’t Hillary be the best candidate? She’s been telling him he’s been dead wrong since the beginning on this. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama visited Jordan on his Mideast tour on Monday. Television coverage was very limited. Ever since that New Yorker cartoon depicted him as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist, Arab television is only allowed to show him from the waist up. (Argus Hamilton)

In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he’s distantly related to the famous 19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, “Big deal, I went to high school with him. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama is now in France. John McCain is doing what he can to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHop. (Jay Leno)

Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire. (Jay Leno)

John McCain campaigning very hard. Last night John McCain appeared on “Larry King Live.” Yeah. The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute pee break. (Conan O’Brien)

And last week was all about Barack Obama, and his unbelievable trip overseas, traveling two continents, dazzling millions of people who come November, can in no way vote for him. But — John McCain had his own exotic adventure And everyone knows, as goes Schmidt’s Sausage House, so goes the Hassenpfeffer Schnitzel Hut. (Jon Stewart)

John McCain. I frankly don’t get it, the man’s got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation [on screen: McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent ‘Wear Clean Underwear’ initiative. (Stephen Colbert )

The Obamas revealed in an interview that they give their daughters $1 allowance a week. Curiously enough, it’s the same amount the girls will probably get when they are eligible for Social Security. (Janice Hough)

It looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president. Yeah, if John McCain picks her. (Jay Leno)

Poor John McCain. The media is so in love. They’re all over Barack Obama. And McCain can’t get any media attention. Did you see what McCain did today? He kept getting in and out of his limo today with no underwear on, just to get the photographers. (Jay Leno)

The latest politic gossip is that Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on Barack Obama’s vice presidential list. In fact, turns out she’s somewhere between the Reverend Wright and Jesse Jackson. (Jay Leno)

Well, actually, insiders say Hillary was never on Obama’s VP list. Obama felt it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about Jesse cutting them off, didn’t want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too. You know what I’m saying? (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

And earlier this week, John McCain had a small mole moved from his temple. To which President Bush said, “Temple? I didn’t know he was Jewish!” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama made a big announcement, Barack Obama announced that next month, he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said “I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE CONGRESS

Dennis Kucinich appeared before the House Judiciary Committee Friday and laid out his case for impeaching President Bush for lying about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction. The president’s best bet is to plead ignorance. He can prove that. (Argus Hamilton)

I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. “Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens.” The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime? (Stephen Colbert)

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn’t charge him for an extensive renovation on his house. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please — VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That’s not a conflict of interest — their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence. (Stephen Colbert)

THE DEMOCRATS

The Democratic Party agreed to serve fried food, barbecue burgers and candy at the convention instead of organic produce. Wise decision. You want Barack Obama’s acceptance speech interrupted by applause, not by seventy thousand salmonella attacks. (Argus Hamilton)

Well, the other big political story, if you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them. Do you know about this? The mainstream media is now starting to report a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer that John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend’s hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning. The woman had a room at the Beverly Hilton. So, at least he is not another politician screwing the poor. If this story turns out to be true, there go his chances at becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York, yes. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at the Beverly Hilton Monday seeing his mistress and their infant love child. So that’s it. All last year when he campaigned against premature withdrawal everybody assumed he was talking about Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

A proposed New York law seeks to restrict violent video games. The state says it wants to keep violence where it belongs – on the streets and in the parks. (Jim Barach)

California has banned the use of trans fats in restaurants. So people can’t eat fat anymore, but they can still have it sliced out of their butts and shot into their faces. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

It was announced today that Los Angeles is banning plastic bags. So say goodbye to Pamela Anderson. (Craig Ferguson)

A Chicago suburb banned pants that sag more than three inches below the waist Friday. May it stop there. If politicians were banned from wearing their pants any higher than their approval rating the U. S. Congress would boast more moons than Jupiter. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Medical marijuana dealer Charlie Lynch went on trial in Los Angeles Friday. It’s taking awhile to impanel a jury. As soon as potential jurors hear that the guy is on trial for selling medical marijuana, they take out their wallets and get in line. (Argus Hamilton)

Mississippi death-row inmate Dale Leo Bishop endorsed Barack Obama on Wednesday minutes before the convicted murderer was executed. You can’t fault his logic. Since he couldn’t get a pardon from the governor he thought he’d go straight to Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil futures prices finally begin to go down this past week. The insanely high gasoline prices have forced everyone to adjust. In California the arsonists had to use sprinkler cans to start this year’s brushfires. (Argus Hamilton)

While talking about lowering gas prices, President Bush repeated Wednesday that he doesn’t have a magic wand. Are you sure Mr. President? Because only a magician can turn a surplus into a $482 billion budget deficit. (Pedro Bartes)

America’s minimum wage has reached $6.55 an hour, and it’ll continue to go up. The goal is to wipe out poverty within ten years by guaranteeing that low-skilled workers always have enough money to buy cigarettes. (Scott Witt)

California foreclosures are up 261% over last year. That means that people have actually bought and foreclosed on the same house more than twice. (Jim Barach)

The U.S. budget deficit will widen to a record of about $490 billion next year, an administration official said. Bush told the press not to worry because by the time he leaves office, the value of the dollar will be so insignificant that $490 billion will feel like nothing. (Pedro Bartes)

NASA & SPACE

NASA’s former astronaut Edgar Mitchell claimed Tuesday the U. S. has covered up its contact with space aliens. It’s what everybody suspected. It’s why Barack Obama got such weird looks when he landed in Berlin and addressed the audience as People of the World. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Barack Obama had meetings in London Saturday with Tony Blair and Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Tory leader David Cameron. They learned his mother was of English descent and his father was a British subject. Prince Harry didn’t pass muster this fast. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince William is going through a special apprenticeship to learn to be King. It will be taught by the Queen. Ironically, a course to learn to be Queen is being taught by Elton John. (Jim Barach)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim called his arrest on sodomy charges a “dirty trick and conspiracy.” Not to mention the sodomy charges are a real pain-in-the-ass. (Alex Kaseberg)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The Food and Drug Administration on Friday blamed this year’s salmonella outbreak on fresh jalapenos imported from Mexico. These free-trade agreements turned out to be fair after all. They’ve got us exchanging worthless dollars for poisoned produce. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the American Cancer Society, the best way for women to quit smoking is to get pregnant. Unfortunately, that is best way for men to start smoking or to smoke more, when you find out your girlfriend is pregnant. (Pedro Bartes)

US Health officials are warning that Jalapeno peppers have salmonella; the symptoms of salmonella include stomach pain, sweating and diarrhea, essentially the same symptoms you get when you eat Jalapenos. This just in: scientists have discovered that Jalapenos are the same thing as salmonella. (Alex Kaseberg)

Mississippi was ranked the most obese state Tuesday, the same day Playboy named Ole Miss the second-best party school. Not one law is broken the entire time. The War on Drugs is now the leading cause of diabetes, sleep apnea and cirrhosis of the liver. (Argus Hamilton)

Albany College researchers issued a warning about cell phone use Tuesday. They said cell phones can cause brain damage. If you are a woman related to Christian Bale and the hotel room’s big enough to let him take a full wind-up, they can be fatal. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

We had an earthquake in L. A. It was shaking so much a straight guy stumbled into a theater showing “Momma Mia.” (Alex Kaseberg)

There was an awkward moment when somebody asked President Bush if he wanted to visit the epicenter in California, Bush said, “No silly, the Epicenter is in Disney World in Florida.” (Alex Kaseberg)

It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares. (Alex Kaseberg)

SPORTS

The Green Bay Packers said Brett Favre will report to the team’s training camp Sunday. It will be taped for a reality show. Brett Favre is going to compete with Barack Obama in a series of challenges to determine which one of them is the Second Coming. (Argus Hamilton)

How weak is baseball’s National League West? The San Diego Padres are. 375 and still in the hunt. This year winning the National League West is like being the named Ralph Nader’s running mate. (Alex Kaseberg)

35 year-old Alex Rodriguez is dating nearly 50 year-old Madonna; I’m not saying she’s too old for him, but after they have a love spat, Madonna puts A-Rod in a time-out. (Alex Kaseberg)

NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced to prison Tuesday for fixing the scores of pro basketball games with his calls on the court. The house made a killing. Tim Donaghy got fifteen months in prison, and the line for overs and unders was five years. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL is planning to monitor players they believe may be using gang signs. So far the biggest gang affiliation they found is with an entire team seen wearing Oakland Raiders gear (Jim Barach)

Alex Rodriguez has signed with the William Morris Agency. They will take a 15% cut of his income. As opposed to his wife, who is getting ready to take half of everything he owns. (Jim Barach)

Disgraced gambling NBA ref Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fixing games. But I still don’t think Donaghy gets it, today he offered 4-1 odds on a grand that he will be out in six months on good behavior. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Yankees executives held meetings at the team’s spring training facility Thursday. They discussed signing Barry Bonds for the stretch drive to fill in for injured sluggers. The other night, Alex Rodriguez pulled a hamstring in a number with Madonna. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees banned sunblock from Yankee Stadium Sunday, angering their fans. It was to prevent terrorists from bringing in liquid explosives. They reversed the policy the next day when they realized they were imploding the stadium in November anyway. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Batman” has taken in more money than Brad and Angelina’s twins combined. (Jimmy Kimmel)

“Swing Vote” is out in theaters. The election of a president comes down to just one beer drinking, clueless man. In the last 2 campaigns, we have ended up sending him to the White House. (Alan Ray)

Oliver Stone completed the trailer for his President Bush movie Tuesday. It depicts him drinking and singing and dancing on top of a bar. Oliver Stone knows a movie about Iraq won’t sell any tickets so he’s trying to convince the public it’s a musical. (Argus Hamilton)

Cheech & Chong have announced they are getting back together. The plot of their new film will again be about two guys from L.A. looking for drugs, but this time it’s cheaper prescription drugs from Canada. (Jake Novak)

A comic book publisher says he’s trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins. (Conan O’Brien)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

This week, NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC New denied it. They said, “That’s ridiculous. We’ve never even heard of John McCain.” (Jay Leno)

London’s World News was found liable for slandering billionaire Max Mosely. They dressed hookers like German soldiers to spank him on hidden camera. If John McCain is really that tired of Barack Obama getting all the TV airtime, there’s always a solution. (Argus Hamilton)

Columnist Bob Novak was cited for hitting a pedestrian with his car and failing to stop. He’s 77 and was driving a Corvette. He was also cited for being way too much of a geek to drive a ‘Vette. (Jim Barach)

CELEBRITIES

After speaking in Congress, Richard Simmons said some day he would consider running for office. He is well qualified; he’s made more fat women happy than Bill Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

Rev. Al Sharpton rejected an invitation to be part of “Dancing with the Stars.” Jesse Jackson offered to take his place as long as he could dance the “Nutcracker.” (Pedro Bartes)

And according to the TV show “Extra,” former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He’s in the running to join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars.” That’s true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything’s turned around (Jay Leno)

Britney Spears has agreed to pay Kevin Federline $5,000 a month in child support. She will also kick in something for her two kids as well. (Jim Barach)

Jay Leno inched closer Tuesday to signing with ABC after he leaves the Tonight Show next year. His joke output every night is superhuman. Jay Leno has the same nickname among workaholics that Richard Pryor used to have among cokeheads, Fearless Leader. (Argus Hamilton)

Happy birthday to Mick Jagger – 65 years old today. It’s too bad Keith Richards isn’t alive to see this. (David Letterman)

Simon Cowell has been chosen as the top reality TV villain. People are hoping that may inspire him to tie Paula Abdul to some railroad tracks. (Jim Barach)

Paula Abdul was chosen worst judge on a reality show. Apparently no one has been watching “Judge Judy” much lately. (Jim Barach)

Mick Jagger officially became a senior citizen Saturday when the Rolling Stones singer turned sixty-five years old in New York. It was just what you would expect. Everyone who did drugs at the birthday party got hit with a twenty-five dollar co-pay. (Argus Hamilton)

Estelle Getty from “The Golden Girls” has died at 84. John McCain eulogized her as one hot babe who died way too young. (Jim Barach)

Larry Harmon, the best known person to play Bozo the Clown on TV has died at 83. He will best be remembered as the role model for nearly every member of the Bush Administration. (Jim Barach)

Robert Downey, Jr. has postponed writing his memoirs. He plans to start just as soon as he can remember something about his life. (Jim Barach)

Kelsey Grammer on Thursday discussed the heart attack he suffered while swimming in the ocean last month after hearing that his sitcom got canceled. He’s out of work, but he’s alive. Network executives and sharks find Baby Boomers too tough and gristly. (Argus Hamilton)

Batman’s Christian Bale was accused by his mother and sister of assault Sunday in London. The movie’s target audience are boys who hate their sisters and mothers. Studio publicity used to be an exercise in glamour but nowadays it’s an exact science. (Argus Hamilton)

Aaron Spelling’s widow Candy Spelling purchased a penthouse condo in Century City Tuesday for forty-seven million dollars. She’s moving out of her eighty million dollar home. So it’s not just Ed McMahon who’s suffering out here during this downturn. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

The Princeton Review issued its annual list of Top Ten Party Schools on Friday with West Virginia finishing in first place on the nationwide list. It wasn’t fair at all. People with stills always have an advantage during times of economic collapse. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani’s son Andrew sued Duke University because the golf coach cut him from the team and refused to reinstate him. His teammates said he was disruptive and rude and arrogant. His father is so proud of him that he put him back in the will. (Argus Hamilton)

The director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute has issued a warning to his faculty and staff: Limit cell phone use because of the possible risk of cancer. That’s a long way to go just to keep faculty and staff from calling you. (Doug Austen)

A school district in Mississippi has made it illegal for teachers to text message their students. Apparently they will have to be courteous and ask them out on dates in person. (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

A North Carolina pastor was arrested for stealing a sex toy and lubricant. His sermon on Sunday is postponed. “Turning the Other Cheek” will be rescheduled for a more appropriate time. (Alan Ray)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The Walt Disney Corporation announced it is going to build a Disneyland in China. Finally the children of China will get to see why they’ve been making a doll they call Winnie the Feces. (Alex Kaseberg)

Airlines are saying that cutbacks may bring back profits. So far they’ve cut back on fuel, service, food and the number of flights. That just leaves maintenance, otherwise they would have to go after executive benefits. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is National Wake Up in a Dumpster Day. (Craig Ferguson)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new poll finds that 85% of the U.S. is unhappy with the economy. The other 15% couldn’t be surveyed as they are now roaming the streets after losing their homes to the financial crisis. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

4 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-02-08

  1. I think you’ll also enjoy this video of the Ted Stevens debacle:

  2. Hey rambodoc, I stumbled on to you from another phallo blogger. And needless to say, I was enthtralled reading your posts. Your humor and sarcasm vibes with mine. And I am a surgeon too in the making. I’ve taken the liberties to add you on my blogroll.

    You could check out my blog whose title might be of interest to your ‘twisted’ sense 😉 –

    Engayging Life.

    Cheers!

  3. Bozo the Clown will never be forgotten. Have you heard of Larry Harmon’s book that just got published? “The Man Behind the Nose: Assassins, Astronauts, Cannibals, and Other Stupendous Tales” http://lcoonline.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/the-man-behind-the-nose/

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