WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-09-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

To give you an idea of how bad the smog is in Beijing, China – today they were named L.A.’s sister city. (Jay Leno)

Iranians have suspended the practice of stoning people to death. President Bush was happy because we shouldn’t waste so much pot. (Pedro Bartes)

The latest polls say Barack Obama has a nine point lead over John McCain in November’s election. That gives the Democrats a full three months before the election to completely screw things up. (Jim Barach)

Have you seen this ad from the McCain campaign where they compare Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears? Well, President Bush saw the ad today and he said, “I had no idea Barack Obama didn’t wear underwear.” He was stunned when he heard. (Jay Leno)

Congress is apologizing for slavery. 143 years late. That means we should be getting an apology for the war in Iraq and the mortgage crisis sometime around 2151. (Jim Barach)

The House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday naming tobacco a drug and placing it under FDA supervision. How very clever. They think if it’s classified as a drug, Baby Boomers will start smoking again, and that could save Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better. (Jay Leno)

Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama ‘energy plan’ tire gauges. You see? It’s a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it’s an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That’s not just me talking. The government’s own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU. (Stephen Colbert)

Congress is moving to ban lead from toys and other kids goods. They’re just getting around to this now? It sounds like Congress is the one that needs to get the lead out. (Jim Barach)

The Washington Post editorial page chided Barack Obama on Wednesday for acting as if he were already the President of the United States. He’s becoming a lot more humble as the campaign grinds on. During the Democratic primaries he acted as if he were Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don’t they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows. (Jay Leno)

There is no denying the president’s a hard-core man of the road. Bush, of course, also holds the record for most presidential vacation days, 506 and counting. You know, between that and the travel days, I think it’s clear there is something about being at the White House our president cannot stand. (Jon Stewart)

Barack Obama urged Americans Tuesday to keep their tires properly inflated to help save on oil. It’s a lost skill. Los Angeles service stations will still check breasts for proper inflation but there’s nobody there who knows how to check tires. (Argus Hamilton)

And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they’re comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there’s one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it’s electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood — you know, except for those. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. I guess that’s what that was. (Jay Leno)

Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected. (Jay Leno)

GOP candidate Ron Paul co-sponsored Congressman Barney Frank’s bill to eliminate federal laws against marijuana possession. It could solve a lot of things. People drive so slowly when they’re stoned, it could save America ten million barrels of oil a day. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama insinuated Thursday that Republicans are always reminding voters he’s black. It was startling. When Depends first came out, doctors were horrified to discover how many people were incontinent, and now we find out that everybody’s blind. (Argus Hamilton)

THE OLYMPICS

One more day until the Olympics. People are really holding their breath. Not from excitement. It’s just you don’t have a choice in Beijing. (Jay Leno)

The Olympics open Friday. Due to all the Beijing air pollution, Olympic fever has been replaced by Olympic runny eyes and persistent dry hack. (Alex Kaseberg)

U.S. Olympic athletes have been forced to apologize for wearing masks while walking outdoors in Beijing to protect themselves from smog. It’s similar to the way the Chinese politicians make dissidents apologize for getting blood on their nightsticks. (Jake Novak)

The Olympics begin in Beijing on Friday. The great thing about these games is there are no heavy favorites. In fact, the only thing locked up in China right now is the Tibetan delegation. (Alan Ray)

The Olympics begin. Long hours of sweat and toil strain their bodies. They do it for their country and without pay. But enough about Chinese workers, the athletes are really something. (Alan Ray)

China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they’re commonly called in China, jails. (Conan O’Brien)

The Philippines are offering to pay $340,000 for the country’s first Olympic gold medal. They could get one for a lot less by just approaching a French Olympic Judge. (Jim Barach)

Beijing is telling its residents how to dress for the Olympics. The government is suggesting no white socks with black shoes, not too many colors and not to parade around in pajamas. Apparently they are doing whatever they can to discourage Michael Jackson from showing up. (Jim Barach)

China promised the most spectacular fireworks show ever in the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing. This wasn’t thought out. When the fireworks go off in the middle of all the sulfur in the air, what happens next should be visible from the Mars Lander. (Argus Hamilton)

I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that’s right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding. (David Letterman)

Kansas Senator Sam Brownback says China will spy on Olympic visitors, including journalists and human rights activists. To which President Bush said, “Since when do you need an Olympics to do that?” (Jim Barach)

China was accused Tuesday of installing Internet spy equipment in all Beijing hotel rooms to monitor Olympic visitors and journalists. Every hotel guest’s web history, messages, searches and key strokes will be spied on by the Chinese government. This time next year, China will be flooding our markets with a shorter and less expensive Bob Costas. (Argus Hamilton)

The IOC has stripped the 2000 Olympic gold medal from the U.S. team in the 1600 meter relay after Anthony Pettigrew admitted to doping. Nigeria was awarded the gold after finishing second. The new winning time is 8 years, 2 minutes and 58 seconds. (Jim Barach)

Dozens of American businesses, including McDonald’s and Coca-Cola, made huge sponsorship deals for the Beijing Olympics. These deals will not only provide funding for the games, but also give anti-Chinese protesters several convient places to demonstrate against the Olympics right here at home. (Jake Novak)

PARIS HILTON

If the McCain Campaign runs an ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, is it okay for the Obama campaign to run an ad comparing John McCain to Ma & Pa Kettle? (Paul Benoit)

Paris Hilton’s mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she’s furious. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom’s upset about? No, she said his ad featuring Paris is a complete waste of the country’s time and attention. Just like Paris, basically. (Jay Leno)

In a recently released video, Paris Hilton rebutted the McCain commercial that used her picture. Paris Hilton’s response made her relevant again. Today Eddie Murphy, Tara Reid and all the former American Idol contestants called the McCain campaign and begged for a spot in their next commercial. (Pedro Bartes)

Both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, “Who’s John McCain?” (Jay Leno)

Political analysts believe the confrontation between McCain and Paris Hilton could benefit the candidate in the polls. If McCain single-handedly revived Paris Hilton’s sagging career, he can definitely do the same with the sagging economy. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Yesterday, John McCain angrily accused Barrack Obama of using the race card against him. And then Obama accused McCain of using his AARP card against him. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the Huffington Post, it’s being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice-presidential running mate tomorrow. Here’s what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2% of the vote. Less that 2%! He was actually losing to low-fat milk. (Jay Leno)

Well, you know what’s interesting, it’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for VP, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter said it was “inconceivable” that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, “it’s not that inconceivable.” (Jay Leno)

Well, John McCain’s daughter is now writing a children’s book based on her father’s life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain’s early life story is only available through folklore. So there’s not much written down. (Jay Leno)

Senator Barack Obama had a birthday yesterday. He’s 47 years old, which means that Senator Barack Obama and John McCain have a combined age of 147 years. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked. (David Letterman)

The driver of a minivan lost control of the car and slammed into the John McCain campaign bus Thursday in Miami. The McCain bus tried to avoid the crash but it couldn’t turn left. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m. (Conan O’Brien)

The moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks evenhanded questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear. (Conan O’Brien)

The debates are coming up soon. Yesterday, the moderators for the presidential and vice presidential debates were announced. Two of them are from PBS. That’s right. After hearing this, President Bush said, “They got Burt and Ernie?” (Conan O’Brien)

The big presidential debates coming up. Are we still excited about that? Barack Obama wants to debate about foreign policy, and John McCain wants to debate about the big band era. (David Letterman)

John McCain’s bus, the Straight Talk Express, was photographed sporting an Obama bumper sticker. How little do reporters care about McCain that the only way they would photograph the bus is because of an Obama’s bumper sticker? (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain was at the big annual motorcycle rally in Sturgis, up there in North Dakota, South Dakota. Is there a difference? And John suggested that his wife could compete in the topless beauty pageant at the motorcycle rally. That reminds me of the time during the campaign that Bill Clinton suggested that Hillary should compete in a wet pantsuit contest (David Letterman)

Barack Obama proposed giving each American family a one thousand dollar check to help pay their higher monthly energy bills. He wants a windfall profits tax on oil companies to pay for the giveaway. If Barack Obama makes a campaign stop in Texas or Oklahoma this fall, it’ll be because his plane had to make an emergency landing. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he’s leaving. (Jay Leno)

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like they asked him if he liked the decathlon. He said no, he preferred regular coffee. (Jay Leno)

President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it’s is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It’s a record! He’s now officiallyour most traveled president in history. It’s a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule. (Jon Stewart)

President Bush arrived in South Korea today, and they had to use water cannons to push back the protesters. This shows you the change in times. When Bill Clinton visited there, they used the same water cannons for the wet T-shirt contest. (Craig Ferguson)

THE ADMINISTRATION

John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he’s too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, “I hope the senator reconsiders.” Then he turned into a bat and flew away. (Conan O’Brien)

THE CONGRESS

You ever notice that Congress doesn’t even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three. (Jay Leno)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the microphones in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. Things got a little confusing when Republicans tried to see if the microphones were working; every time they said “Check, Check,” two or three lobbyist would show up with some money. (Pedro Bartes)

Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

A federal judge says President Bush’s advisers must testify in front of Congress. This is making President Bush nervous, because if anyone can tell when someone is lying during testimony, it is Congress. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

Sen. Hillary Clinton told a gathering of supporters last week that she did not rule out the possibility of having her name placed into nomination at the convention. Rumors are Democrats have traded Hillary to the republicans for a 4th round draft pick (Pedro Bartes)

John Edwards under-counted when he claimed 200,000 Americans live under bridges or on grates. With his confession about an extramarital affair, the number has reached 200,001. (Scott Witt)

The National Enquirer said Thursday that John Edwards has arranged hush money payments to his mistress and mother of his love child. It must be true. John Edwards sues people for a living, and if they were libeling him he would end up owning the National Enquirer and Bill Clinton would never have a moment’s peace for the rest of his life. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Senator Ted Stevens was arraigned in federal court Thursday on charges relating to lobbyist kickbacks, after representing the interests and businesses of Alaska for fifty years. You can’t send Ted Stevens to prison. It would corrupt the petty thieves. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Washington Governor Christine Gregoire was turned away at a bar last week when she had no ID and the doorman thought she was too young. She’s sixty-one. Someday a two-week vacation to Beverly Hills will be as common for women as a dental check-up. (Argus Hamilton)

California Governor Schwarzenegger is cutting 22,000 jobs because of a budget shortfall. It is pretty certain the cuts won’t come from the DMV customer service department, since the DMV closed that office in 1955. (Jim Barach)

Alabama Democrats were put under investigation by the state’s attorney general for vote fraud Thursday. He says Democrats sold their votes for cash, for gravel and for crack. While it’s true that life imitates art, more often it imitates Chicago. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

L.A. had a 5.4 earthquake which is fine unless you happen to be getting laser eye surgery or a circumcision; and heaven forbid you were getting laser eye surgery and a circumcision at the same time during the quake because you could end up cock-eyed. (Alex Kaseberg)

Georgia residents of Lavonia pitched in Friday and purchased their local strip bar, Cafe Risque, and burned it down. They bought it just so they could burn it down. We’ve learned that’s a lot better than occupying it and trying to teach it democracy. (Argus Hamilton)

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome threatened Monday to fine residents who fail to separate their garbage properly. He shouldn’t try to order people around. If the people in San Francisco could follow orders they wouldn’t have had to leave the Midwest. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Police are seeing a new crime trend as thieves are skimming drivers’ credit card data at fuel pumps. So now every time you fill up, you’re probably getting robbed twice. (Jake Novak)

A Florida judge decided not to prosecute the 94-year-old man arrested for soliciting a prostitute. When asked to comment, John McCain said; “Hey, young kids make mistakes.” (Alex Kaseberg)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a fundraiser to help retire Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debts Monday. She’s giving everyone who donates to her campaign a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI defended its aggressive tactics to find the culprit behind the 2001 anthrax mailings. The attacks changed the way mail is handled. If anyone in Beverly Hills gets white powder in the mail we immediately inject it inside a wrinkle to see if it helps. (Argus Hamilton)

NBC’s former executive James Walsh admitted Friday that he embezzled one million dollars. The judge ordered him to repay two hundred thousand dollars. Investors were so impressed with the logic that the judge was just named president of Citigroup. (Argus Hamilton)

TERRORISM

Osama bin Laden’s driver has been sentenced to 5 1/2 years in prison for aiding terrorism. He could have been sentenced to as much as 30 years behind bars, but that was reduced when he agreed to go to traffic school. (Jake Novak)

IMMIGRATION

In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that’s when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life! (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free. (Jay Leno)

America’s minimum wage has reached $6.55 an hour, and it’ll continue to go up. The goal is to wipe out poverty within ten years by guaranteeing that low-skilled workers always have enough money to buy cigarettes. (Scott Witt)

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says the economy is on the brink of a recession. That means we need to improve just a little bit from the current Depression. (Jim Barach)

A house built by “Extreme Makeover” for a Georgia family has gone into foreclosure. How bad is the economy when people can’t even keep a house they get for free? (Jim Barach)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The Food and Drug Administration blamed the salmonella outbreak on the contaminated irrigation water on Mexican farms. What is wrong with Mexico? Any other country with that much tequila and oil would need a seven-hundred-mile-long wall to keep Americans out (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Wednesday he will step down from office next month. The day before, cable news political pundits in America were saying that you can take it to the bank that he would remain in office. That’s how safe our banks are. (Argus Hamilton)

Saudi Arabia outlawed dog-walking Tuesday, claiming that people use dog-walking as an excuse to flirt. The regime could be overthrown by the Americans any day now. If the Saudis think we’re sentimental about office towers they should see how we feel about dogs. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China was hit by a six-point-two earthquake in the middle of the country on Tuesday. It struck just three days before the games begin. We could have the first Olympic Games in history that hand out medals for standing still and breathing deeply. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

On a study which says living with a spouse lowers the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease: For men, that’s true. Mostly because their wives never let them forget anything they’ve ever done wrong. (Jim Barach)

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the average amount of time a patient waits in an emergency room before seeing a doctor is 56 minutes, which is up from 38 minutes ten years ago. Well, if the doctors are like the ones in Greys Anatomy, they probably spend most of their time having sex with each other. (Pedro Bartes)

A group of emergency room physicians says that text messaging while doing other activities can be dangerous. Apparently some people need their thumbs and eyes free to do tasks like driving. (Jim Barach)

Albany College researchers found cell phones give off dangerous radiation last week. This is not discouraging their use. Last month when California outlawed talking on cellphones in the car, drivers began using them to microwave dinner on the way home. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that Frankincense can reduce arthritis symptoms. To which President Bush remarked that it’s good to see a monster like that turn around and do some good for a change. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

The Green Bay Packers management met with Brett Favre Tuesday. They’re in a furious standoff over whether he’ll be traded, benched or made the starter. It’s been so badly mishandled that people think Condi Rice is already the NFL Commissioner. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre flew to training camp in Green Bay from Mississippi Sunday aboard a chartered jet. It was cheaper. The airlines charge for extra suitcases now and Green Bay would have had to cut a linebacker to pay for Brett Favre’s emotional baggage. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre was finally convinced to come to the Jets when he was promised access to a 2,00 acre area near the stadium to go hunting whenever he likes. Now he just needs to get the right gear for hunting in New Jersey, which includes huge amounts of hair gel and acid wash jeans (Jake Novak)

The Los Angeles Dodgers stunned the baseball world by acquiring Boston Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez Friday. He’s world famous for his tremendous talent and his crazy behavior. He’ll blend into Los Angeles like it’s the Witness Protection Program. (Argus Hamilton)

Dodger Stadium sold an extra ten thousand tickets for Manny Ramirez’s first game Friday. They all wanted to see Joe Torre manage five starting outfielders with hot tempers. His acquisition puts the team a leg up on their local competitor, the Los Angeles Zoo. (Argus Hamilton)

The Chicago Cubs hosted a game with the Houston Astros Monday that was delayed by lightning which struck the centerfield flag pole. Thank goodness the players were using wooden bats. If it had been a college game, they would all be dead. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez says his marriage is over, and that his wife’s claims that he has had affairs is irrelevant. His wife is now trying to claim temporary insanity when she signed the prenuptial agreement. (Jim Barach)

Mark Cuban made a billion-and-a-half-dollar bid to buy the Chicago Cubs in next month’s auction. He’s a financial genius. Mark Cuban got in early on the Internet boom, then eighteen months ago he bought stock in the company that makes For Sale signs. (Argus Hamilton)

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted the country’s top college football team Monday in pre-season polls. They had eight arrests this year alone. If Michael Vick had abused bulldogs on his property instead of pit bulls, he could have pleaded self-defense. (Argus Hamilton)

The Little League World Series is going to adopt instant replay this year. The LLWS has always had some sort of instant replay. For instance, some 15 year olds have played in it six times. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2” is out in theaters. It’s rated PG-13. The 4 heroines are a lot like the women in “Sex and the City”, but without the Chlamydia. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got paid fifteen million dollars by People magazine for their twin baby photos Monday. They got five million for their last baby. Ed McMahon is on the telephone now trying to talk his kids into taking their clothes off for a picture. (Argus Hamilton)

Larry King is getting divorced. Yep. And Larry apparently has had seven wives. Seven wives, he’s been married seven times. And I feel bad for Larry, but you know, a lot of people just can’t seem to make a go of divorce. Think about it. Seven weddings, my God, Larry is the cause of the rice shortage! (David Letterman)

Jerry Lewis was cited for carrying a gun in his luggage while trying to fly from Las Vegas to Detroit. Apparently he was flying to the Motor City to get the oil changed in his hair. (Jim Barach)

Economists have figured out that Oprah controls just over a million U.S. votes… to what Ralph Nader said: “I wonder what that would be like?” (Pedro Bartes)

Ryan Seacrest claims he was bitten by a shark while swimming in the ocean. He says he also thought he saw a beached whale until he realized it was just Randy Jackson sunbathing. (Jim Barach)

A federal judge ordered Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to jail Thursday. How ironic; all his life looking for enough bars on his cell phone to text his mistresses and now he’s behind bars. (Pedro Bartes)

Richard Branson will be offering space flights for $200,000 where people will experience weightlessness for five minutes. When told about this, Nicole Richey said “Been there” (Jim Barach)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Transportation Department said Americans reduced their driving by billions of miles last month. Driving is too expensive and flying is unbearable. Stagecoach travel is so imminent Warren Buffet just launched a hostile takeover of Preparation H. (Argus Hamilton)

A newly discovered tape of The Beatles laughing and chatting during an early recording session has sold for about $23,000, an auction house reported Tuesday. It’s easy to spot Ringo, he is the one laughing out of tempo. (Pedro Bartes)

Earlier this week, thousands of athletes from around the world took part in the Gay Olympics. The Gay Olympics: where steroids aren’t the only thing injected into the athlete’s butts. (Alex Kaseberg)

A 73 year-old Japanese man is the oldest porn star in the world with more than 200 movies. His record could be broken if McCain gets elected; the senator is way older and could screw a lot more people. (Pedro Bartes)

French Riviera beachgoers said Friday fewer women than ever are sunbathing topless this year due to American influence. They’re wrong about Americans. Anyone carrying more than three ounces of liquid in a plastic bag has to take everything off. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Exxon Mobil reported the largest quarterly profit in business history Thursday with almost twelve billion in earnings. How much money have they made in the last year? If Exxon had any sense they’d give up on offshore drilling and go into offshore banking. (Argus Hamilton)

ExxonMobil made a second quarter profit of $11.68 Billion. Not only that, but their stock went down when they came in lower than Wall Street expectations. Apparently even the oil companies aren’t as greedy as Wall Street investors. (Jim Barach)

Northwest Airlines is adding an $80 fuel charge for domestic round trip flights. And that’s just to help gas up the pilots’ SUVs to get them from home to the airport. (Jim Barach)

Wake up, Ford: The automaker lost $8 billion because it’s stuck with SUVs that won’t sell, but there’s an easy way to get the inventory of Explorers turning over again. Just drive fast around any sharp bend in the road. (Scott Witt)

Delta Airlines is going to charge a $50 fee for anyone checking a second bag on a flight. Pretty soon it will be cheaper just to buy another seat for your luggage. (Jim Barach)

A Qantas Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing in Manila Monday. The passengers were not happy. Before takeoff the flight attendants announced that in the unlikely event of a water landing there will be a two-dollar charge for the water. (Argus Hamilton)

Citigroup found itself facing possible charges of fraudulent marketing of securities Friday in New York. The shareholders in the bank are really suffering. Some of them can’t even get their money out because the ATM’s have a twenty-dollar minimum. (Argus Hamilton)

POLLS & STUDIES

There’s a new poll that was done by the Lifetime network that is determined to have more American women who’d rather car pool or go on vacation with Barack Obama than John McCain. 51% for Obama to 31% for McCain. And that 31% fell to just 2% when it was specified that McCain would be driving in that carpool. (Jimmy Kimmel)

OTHER NEWS

On Tuesday, 26 high school cheerleaders from Texas all crammed into an elevator together and got stuck for almost half an hour because the door wouldn’t open, or at least that is what Charlie Sheen told them. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-09-08

  1. I don’t know why people don’t comment about ‘Weakly Humerus’ posts. I find them totally captivating. Perhaps, the reason is that I love the Lenos and there Stewarts more than others.

  2. Paris obviously has some marketing savvy; she can turn anything into a PR boost for herself… thx to McCain’s miscalculation, she’ll be selling more cans of wine than ever

  3. You’re right Kris! The “Weakly Humerus” posts are awesome.

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