WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Chinese government says that’s not smog you see on your TV when you watch the Olympics. They say your TV screen needs dusting. (Tom’s Lake Humor Co.)

When President Bush was informed Russia attacked Georgia, there was an awkward moment when Bush yelled; “We must save Atlanta.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Seeing that the book, “Obama Nation” has become an instant best-seller based on the word play in its title, the publisher plans a sequel entitled, “McCain Is Not Abel.” (Scott Witt)

Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that’s what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were. (Jay Leno)

You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn’t be our president. He should be our mascot. (Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics)

Strange how everyone is blasting John Edwards for having an affair, but nobody mentions John McCain’s affair with with his current younger, wealthier wife before he dumped Carol McCain. Fortunately, McCain and his supporters can’t remember anything that far back. Except maybe a prison camp or two. (Joe Hickman)

Look at the latest issue (of the National Enquirer)… about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? Confidential to Miss Longoria, if you’re trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards. (Stephen Colbert)

Russian troops captured Josef Stalin’s birthplace in Georgia Monday. Nostalgia for the Thirties is sweeping the world. Russian troops captured Stalin’s hometown, China is staging Hitler’s Olympics and the United States is reliving the Hoover years. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton urged offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric cars in a mock campaign ad which drew raves. You know where this is going. The last presidential debate will be hosted by Jeff Foxworthy and titled, Are You Smarter than Paris Hilton? (Argus Hamilton)

China said Tuesday it distributed one hundred thousand condoms to the athletes in Beijing. It works out to two hundred condoms per athlete for the two-week stay. It’s just another example that the breakage rate with Chinese products is pretty high. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton won praise Thursday for her mock campaign ad calling for offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric car makers. The candidates are just lucky she’s not old enough to run. She combines the most electable qualities of both Clintons. (Argus Hamilton)

THE OLYMPICS

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. (David Letterman)

They had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck.

The Olympics continue. Swimming god Michael Phelps consumes 12,000 calories a day. Or, as Kirstie Alley, would call it, lunch. (Alan Ray)

President Bush was photographed cheering in the stands at the Olympics holding an American Flag backwards. No wonder the country is headed in the wrong direction. (Patrick Gorse)

“I thought this was nice, at one point during the (Olympic) ceremony tonight they had 56 children march in, all belonging to John Edwards. (Jay Leno)

Spain’s Olympic basketball team insulted their Chinese hosts Tuesday. They all pushed up the outer corners of their eyes during a team photograph. This is what happens when you tell athletes not to discuss politics, they fall back on ethnic humor. (Argus Hamilton)

China admitted Monday that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke lip-synched their national anthem Friday to the recorded voice of another little Chinese girl. The adorable girl was told that she can’t sing and the singer was told she wasn’t cute enough. You spend one day in show business and suddenly sewing for Wal-Mart doesn’t sound so inhumane. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps astounded reporters in Beijing Tuesday when he revealed that he eats twelve thousand calories of food every day. So what is the problem? You’re either representing the United States of America or you’re not. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Olympic women’s fencing team walked away with all three medals in the saber event. When President Bush heard that we had the best fencing team in the world, he asked why we can’t send some of them down to Mexico to finally finish that border fence. (Jim Barach)

Georgia played Russia in women’s beach volleyball in the Olympics Thursday. It ran true to form. By the end of the match the Russian team had plowed through the volleyball net in a dune buggy and backed the Georgian team up against the Great Wall. (Argus Hamilton)

It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It’s the same technology they use for John McCain. (Craig Ferguson)

The news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. Her name is Lin Miaoke which translates into English as Ashley Simpson. (Alex Kaseberg)

In the men’s 4 x 100 Freestyle, the French relay team brashly predicted a victory but were defeated by the US at the last split second. What a nightmare for the poor French, they get humiliated by the US and they had to bathe at the same time. (Alex Kaseberg)

China’s impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that “abnormally high levels of lead” were found in the first-place medallions. The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint. (Andy Borowitz)

U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps continued winning gold medal after gold medal Tuesday. At the rate the price of gold is falling he’s not having as good a week as he thought. Perhaps in four years the medals will be made out of Elvis’s jumpsuits. (Argus Hamilton)

GEORGIA

Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one. (Jon Stewart)

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God’s way of teaching Americans geography. (Jon Stewart)

President Bush condemned the Russian offensive into Georgia. The Dubya believes invading another nation without true cause or world support won’t work. He wouldn’t be so near-sighted. (Alan Ray)

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev demanded Monday that Georgia’s president step down. Russians can no longer poison their enemies one at a time. People in Europe carry the antidote with them everywhere they go like they do car keys and cell phones. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush today warned Russia to honor its cease-fire agreement with Georgia, warning that if it fails to do so he’ll repeat the warning tomorrow. (Scott Witt)

Russia has sent fighter jets in to bomb Georgia. When President Bush heard about it, he asked if we should sent the National Guard to make sure they don’t get down to Disney World. (Jim Barach)

JOHN EDWARDS

John Edwards has admitted he had an affair with another woman. Which means the Democrat now has the necessary experience to be able to run for President. (Jim Barach)

Democrats are furious, they’re going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards was reported to have paid mistress Rielle Hunter a hundred thousand dollars and a mansion. For Edwards there really are two Americas; and, as it turns out in one of them, Edwards has to pay out the nose for tail. (Alex Kaseberg)

$500-a-haircut-weasel John Edwards is still under fire after getting caught in an extramarital affair. In fact, his wife, Elizabeth, is so mad she would pay more than $500 to have something else on Edwards clipped besides his hair. (Alex Kaseberg)

John Edwards admitted Friday to having an adulterous affair on the campaign trail and he was immediately replaced as a speaker at the Democratic convention by Bill Clinton. The lesson is clear. You cannot act like that when everybody likes your wife. (Argus Hamilton)

Elizabeth Edwards agreed to speak at the Democratic convention Friday and John Edwards said he was promised a speech. Bill and Hillary will also speak. The Pledge of Allegiance that night could provide one of the funniest moments in television history. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 … and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote. (Craig Ferguson)

Nation quotes McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can’t use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button. (Stephen Colbert)

John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous! Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that? (Craig Ferguson)

Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country’s leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found. (Stephen Colbert)

The London Daily Mail reported Monday that George Clooney is a secret adviser to Barack Obama. It said he advises the candidate on presentation and policies and body language. It’s the same working arrangement John McCain has with Hulk Hogan. (Argus Hamilton)

According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement for the campaign, and John Edwards is just trying to get her number. (Craig Ferguson)

Barack Obama took off on vacation in Hawaii for a week Friday just as the John Edwards scandal was breaking. Everyone was walking on eggshells. When he landed in Honolulu and a Hawaiian woman offered him a lei, he turned around and ran back into the plane. (Argus Hamilton)

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on an historic first-ever visit to the Internet. Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Internet before, advisors acknowledged that his first visit to the World Wide Web was fraught with risk. But with his Democratic rival Barack Obama making headlines with his tour of the Middle East and Europe, the McCain campaign felt that they needed to “come up with something equally bold for John to do,” according to one advisor. McCain aides said that the senator’s journey to the Internet will span five days and will take him to such far-flung sites as Amazon.com, eBay and Facebook. (Andy Borowitz)

Barack Obama ran a new ad Monday describing John McCain as a celebrity. It had to be careful. You can’t put John McCain in an ad with Paris or Britney without a disclaimer saying that you should ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to have sex. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush has become the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he’s been looking forward to it ever since he learned that in China people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders. (Jimmy Kimmel)

This may be the last trip of the Bush presidency. He is scheduled to take a day trip to Legoland sometime in October, but this is the last big one. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The White House hinted at a new round of economic stimulus checks Sunday. Hold on. With adultery in the news and Paris Hilton giving energy policy in a bikini, this country is so stimulated that the U. N. just called on Americans to give up sugar. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton was added to the list of speakers at the Democratic Convention on Friday. John Edwards will not speak. The die was cast when the Democratic National Committee approved a plank adopting the Clinton Doctrine that oral sex is not adultery. (Argus Hamilton)

The Democratic Convention planners decided Monday to allow vendors to sell any souvenir or food. Expect a painting of John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton sitting at a card table. It’s the latest depiction of Four Dogs Playing Poker. (Argus Hamilton)

Governor Mark Warner was selected to give the Democratic convention’s Tuesday keynote. That’s one day after Hillary speaks and one day before Bill speaks. For the sake of the party, marriage counselors say they should always be kept a day apart. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton has been causing more controversy by still refusing to say that Barack Obama is ready for the White House. Although after last week, he does say that he now feels John Edwards is ready. (Janice Hough)

Democratic undecided convention delegate Sacha Millstone said she was bullied by the DNC Tuesday when she e-mailed her doubts about Obama to another delegate. She has one foot in the Clinton camp and one foot in the Obama camp. When John Edwards heard that there’s a delegate with her legs apart he was on the next flight to Denver. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Republicans are a lot more tolerant of liars now than they were during the Clinton years, and they are now OK with gay men as long as they are Republican politicians and married to women.

A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men’s room. (Craig Ferguson)

LOCAL NEWS

63% of women who ride the New York subways say they are sexually harassed. Apparently many of them see it as a warm up on the way to getting sexually harassed at work. (Jim Barach)

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was jailed Thursday over an affair he denied
until his BlackBerry revealed he was having text-message sex with the woman. It’s so unfair. In order to get a jury of his peers, he would have to have his trial on a Los Angeles freeway. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

John McCain says we are worse off today than we were four years ago. He forgot to add that we are way worse off than we were eight years ago. (Jim Barach)

The Wall Street Journal said Californians are snapping up low-powered electric cars from a Santa Rosa automaker to beat high gasoline prices. A lot of people would just as soon stay home. They’re afraid if they leave, the bank will lock them out. (Argus Hamilton)

Wall Street saw oil prices fall again Tuesday from shrinking demand. Americans have cut their gas usage by eight hundred thousand barrels per day. It’s gotten to where child kidnappers are only abducting children who fit into their bicycle baskets. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

NASA has confirmed that there is water on the planet Mars… which, of course, means that some day, we’ll be able to close down a Starbucks there, too. (Tim Hunter)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Berlin police issued bullet-proof bras to female police officers on Friday. It is to protect them when they wear bullet-proof vests. If you can’t find a copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine at your newsstand this month you’ll know why it’s sold out. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iraqi officials say that the U.S. and Iraq are close to an agreement for American troops to leave. President Bush will now have the necessary troop levels he needs in order to invade Iran. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

An Illinois inpatient facility is going to treat people who have an Internet addiction. As a special promotion, they’re offering a special discount to any patients who sign up online. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in college football Thursday despite eight recent arrests and six suspensions. The school took swift action. They took the team photo out of the school annual to make witness identification more difficult. (Argus Hamilton)

On Brett Favre joining the New York Jets: His new teammates can tell the QB is much older than they are. That orange drink he’s consuming isn’t Gatorade. It’s Metamucil. (Alan Ray)

The Los Angeles Dodger will now begin selling enigmatic space-case Manny Ramirez dreadlock-attached hats at games. Please remove the hats before operating heavy machinery. The hats come with a disclaimer: Warning, these hats may cause erratic and downright goofy behavior. (Alex Kaseberg)

Brett Favre was dealt to New York by Green Bay Wednesday. The Jets have an end zone seating section where the women are encouraged to go topless. If they don’t want the Lambeau Leap to migrate to New York they should move the topless section up one level. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie “The Dark Knight” made $300 million in just 10 days, shattering the old record set last month by Exxon-Mobil. (Tim Hunter)

Monty Python’s Spamalot will return to Las Vegas next week with a new starring cast. Audiences love this musical comedy set in medieval England. When the castle defenders pour oil on top of the attackers the crowd rushes the stage with Dixie cups. (Argus Hamilton)

A former aide to President Bush says the idea for the movie “Swing Vote” was stolen from him. It’s about a man who gets to cast the deciding vote in a presidential election. I wonder where an aide to President Bush might have come up with an idea like that? (Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. But there’s an even bigger scandal to this story, why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007.Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here. Why isn’t the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna’s face? Why didn’t CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? (Stephen Colbert)

CELEBRITIES

Porn star Jenna Jameson is pregnant. Boy, that John Edwards gets around. (Jay Leno)

Clay Aiken has become a father through artificial insemination. That’s the biological equivalent of lip synching. (Jim Barach)

That Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn’t that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton won praise Thursday for her mock campaign ad calling for offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric car makers. The candidates are just lucky she’s not old enough to run. She combines the most electable qualities of both Clintons. (Argus Hamilton)

Elvis Presley’s peacock jumpsuit was sold Thursday for three hundred thousand dollars at auction. It sold to an undisclosed buyer in New York. When Bill Clinton makes his entrance at the Democratic National Convention you can see it for yourself. (Argus Hamilton)

A judge has ruled that Britney Spear’s dad will remain in charge of her affairs. To which Senator John Edwards replied, “You can have someone do that?” (Jim Hunter)

Mark David Chapman was denied parole again in New York Tuesday. The board said the man who gunned down John Lennon is still a public safety threat. Just because Paul McCartney survived his marriage to Heather Mills doesn’t mean he’s bulletproof. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Macy’s reports a sales decline during its second fiscal quarter. Management feels confident the third quarter will be better. Floor clerks should finally be returning from their breaks. (Alan Ray)

JetBlue is charging passengers $7 for new pillows and fleece blankets that they can keep instead of turning in. Some people call it a cover charge. Others call it getting fleeced. (Scott Witt)

OTHER NEWS

In a survey: The cell phone was named the Most Life-Changing Gadget. #2 on the list: The computer. Which is ridiculous. Because if the cell phone is #1 — #2 should be the cell phone charger. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

A new study shows mot married women show signs of depression when they try on clothes. But most married men show signs of depression when their wives buy those clothes. (Jake Novak)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-16-08

  1. Interview Request

    Hello Dear and Respected,
    I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the webosphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.

    We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at my email address “ghazala.khi at gmail.com”, so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.

    regards.

    Ghazala Khan
    The Pakistani Spectator
    http://www.pakspectator.com

  2. Doctor sahaab, guess what, you have just been felicitated.

    Check this link out.

    http://engayginglife.blogspot.com/2008/08/brilliante-weblog-award-winner.html

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