TWELVE INDIAN WOMEN I LOVE

You should really read my ‘Twelve Things I Hate About Women’ before you understand the death depth of wisdom here.
Without further ada ado, let me list here the Indian women who I love:

1. Puppyta: I love women who love puppies. I can’t understand women who don’t like dogs, who don’t like chocolates or mangoes, and women who marry me, but those are different stories.

2. Khandalaeswari (old name Su-charita*), aka The Maker: I mean women who make out. It is this type of woman who is so good, so easy to get along with. You know, like how you can understand that she wants the same as you do. Any more or less, the equation blows up like Paul‘s inflatable doll #2035.
*of good character

3. Powdernima (old name Subhra*), aka Cakeyee: This woman submerges her self deep within layers of colored cake. The enormous modesty and humility required to do so is almost Zen-like. After all, what could be a greater admission of imperfection than to attempt a cosmetic correction? A long time ago, I had a girl friend who used to put powder on her pretty brown face. I loved the cosmetic faux-pas, for it made her more vulnerable. A little later on, she crushed me to powder by marrying a cosmetic surgeon, so I guess it made me look vulnerable and white-faced, too.
*white

4. Aansoo-la/Bhagirathi*/Ganga*/Bindu, aka The Tearing Success: A certain proportion of womanhood, estimated to be in the vicinity of 98.79% of the species, are prone to shed copious lacrymal secretions that do wonders for a glowing complexion, the kind that is normally seen only on the face of politicians after the receipt of a few Samsonite suitcases.
A tiny minority do not shed ocular fluid, and when they do, it is often a solitaire (hence the name Bindu) that begins a lonely trek down. This second type of woman causes prolonged lacrymation in other humans. They are silent sufferers for a short while and so make the rest of humanity suffer loudly for the rest of their lifetime. I love how effective these women are. Look at Indira Gandhi and you get the picture.
** names of Indian rivers
5. Shalini*/Kumkum, aka BMW, the Bold Modest Woman: I am referring to a certain type of woman who looks to be the picture of painful Indian modesty, draped in a sari, and, during the post-operative visit at my clinic, is unwilling to reveal the tapes or band-aids that need to be removed. After the necessary is done with the aid of two hefty female nurses and attendants (holding arms and legs while I gently rip off the tapes), the real woman emerges. The husband asks, “Doc, what can she eat?“, and she scornfully shuts him up with a look that, were technology able to decipher thought clouds, would have said, “Worm!”
The BMW looks straight at me and asks, “When can we have sex?
I assume she refers to sex with the worm.
Taken aback a bit and a half, I say, “Right now. I mean, when you want.” To dispel any konfooshun, I say, looking at the worm and then at her, “Whenever you think it is the appropriate opportunity“.
I wonder if they really understood what I meant. I haven’t seen them since.
*modest
6. Chabaademardangini*, aka, The Cad Chewing Type: The kind of woman who is seen only in movies, where she takes on rascals (by definition, all males) and emerges victorious. Usually known to graduate from one of the 36 Chambers of Shaolin or comparable centers of excellence, like the Bahujan Samaj Party.
*untranslatable- ball-breaker
7. Purvaja*/Rakhi, aka De-sister: The woman who makes a brother out of the most hardened Romeos. Alternatively, the woman every man wants to make a sister out of, for his own safety (Kutshita). Muslim equivalent: Sakhi-na.
*elder sister
8. Ivy*, aka Shaadhika: Usually in the early thirties, this woman may have a history of lost marriage opportunities, and then gets busy in survival or career progress issues. When things settle down on these fronts, she gets very focussed and objective in what her targets are: no faltu romance with hungry graduate types, but an unfailing attraction for either the corporate equivalent of a Saudi prince or a well-off wimp (‘good husband material’, in modern Victorian terms) who would be easy to live with.
*creeper plant
9. The Ammazon: She is the immortal Maa of Indian culture, the bane of every future daughter-in-law. How can someone compete against a woman who has fine-tuned the preference settings of a man from birth? How can idlis ever be as soft and fluffy as Amma‘s? How can the aroma of any biryani match that made by Ammijaan?

10. Manjulika*, aka My Adorable Daughter (MAD): This type is included for the sake of completeness. I am too young to have had daughters, but I have heard from reliable sources that you are never a complete man unless you have a daughter or two. My question is, “If you are a complete mess, rather than a man, then how relevant is this?” After all, once you survive a few years of marriage, the characteristics that identify a man are an ability to mimic a quadruped, callosities on the buttocks, a pot belly (‘lemon-and-matchsticks appearance’) and a bald head (which makes it two lemons, I suppose). How much more completion would a man want?
*a sweet girl
11. Taaniya/Hensika, aka The Old Hen: Typical dialogues heard include:
When man is resting at home: “Why at home, you have no work-aa?”
When man is away working: “Why you are naat coming home?”
When man returns, dog-tired: “Whaat is the point of coming home at aall? You might as well have come home tomarrow!”
Aalso: “You have no energy, look at Mr. Das next door…”
When man is vibrant, energetic, youthful: “Why you are so restless? Why can’t you act your age?”

12. Kaamini*, the out-of-reach girl next door:
She is so desirable and even makes the odd eye contact, but her father/brother is extremely powerful and lacking in ruth. Who cannot but love her? And who can dare to? After she elopes, her name changes in popular parlance to Kamini.
*Goddess of love
Have I missed anyone else you know?
Unrelated related post: at The Imagined Universe.

32 responses to “TWELVE INDIAN WOMEN I LOVE

  1. That’s hilarious ๐Ÿ™‚ Is that a comprehensive list? Then where am I? As the old Limca ad goes, I’m too old to be #10, too young to be #9, but I think I’m just right for #1 ๐Ÿ˜€ Who doesn’t love dogs (especially puppies) anyway?

    Btw, I notice you’ve tried to add a Sanskrit/ Hindi equivalent to most names, so shouldn’t #1 be Bhairavi?

  2. Hilarious is the word, but seriously, are you sure you love all of these women? ๐Ÿ˜› But am impressed with your wide knowledge of the female sex, not bad from someone who is too young to have daughters! I must mention that I too have read that most “virile” men have daughters! Looks like you will have to prove yourself doc. I suggest you choose Ivy, because after all what better choice for her than a rich doctor?

  3. You know doc, I understand that I’m far too ignorant about the opposite sex to understand what you have written. Why don’t you do the same post for men?

    I’m very curious to know your age, orientation and place. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. This was brilliant, doc. Particularly liked Chabaademardangini, aka, The Cad Chewing Type. ๐Ÿ™‚

    And the BMW as well…..

    Cheers,
    Quirky Indian
    http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com

  5. Whenever I comment on doc’s blog I avoid using smilies as I assume that whatever is said here is taken with a pinch of salt…and pepper! That includes comments. One never knows, doc might take me seriously!

  6. Estrogen overload. Gack !

  7. @ Lekhni: These are women he loves, not a comprehensive list of all types of women, so may be, as they say, he just isn’t that into you? ๐Ÿ˜‰ What say?

    @ R-Doc: Glad to find I am not on this list ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Lekhni:
    Quite possibly, Bhairavi!
    Nita:
    My love for most women is filial. In a twisted way, of course.
    QI:
    Thanks.
    Kris:
    I am always straight, though a little twisted, purely in a metaphorical way.
    Lakshmi:
    Huh.
    Shefaly:
    As I said before, my love for most women is entirely filial. You meant to say “Sorry to find I am not on this list of women you love”??
    You are in a special category!

  9. Oh, and I meant the Amul, not Limca. One of these.

  10. Absolutely priceless! I was thinking about “Vajreshwari” – one who has to be bedecked with diamonds at all times and ” Shopna” – who needs to be in retail environments. But nothing in the league of Cakeyee. You are the greatest.

  11. Hilarious! I loved the Powdernima one the best. Zen, Powder, Love, Looks, Crushed all in one description ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Vivek Khadpekar

    @ Shefaly:

    Lekhni turns upside down the convention in Hindustani Classical Music, of Bhairavi as the concluding item. You saved the day by pointing out that it is not a comprehensive list. Bhairavi must wait, I’m afraid.

    Of course all this holds only if the metaphor is borrowed from HCM. Carnatic music has no such convention, and the contours of its Bhairavi are also different.

  13. You are quite the ladies man now, aren’t you? ๐Ÿ˜› Super funny post :D, esp loved the BMW.

  14. You are on a roll lately!
    I’m one of those lazy people who read your posts via email subscription.

    Loved this entry, as well as your last one. Hilarious!

    Only quibble: I think most men and women also enjoy the qualities of humor and curiosity ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. Guys,
    Have you read this joke?

    WIFE FROM HELL

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked
    you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

    The driver says,’Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
    your radar gun needs calibrating.’

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly
    dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
    and growls,’Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

    The wife smiles demurely and says,’You should be thankful your radar
    detector went off when it did.’

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
    detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
    clenched teeth, ‘Darn it, woman , can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

    The officer frowns and says,’And I notice that you’re not wearing your
    seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
    The driver says,’Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
    off when you pulled me o ver so that I could get my license out of my
    back pocket.’

    The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your
    seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
    turns to his wife and barks,’WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks,’Does your husband always
    talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

    (I love this part….)

    ‘Only when he’s been drinking.'”

  16. //A certain proportion of womanhood, estimated to be in the vicinity of 98.79% of the species, are prone to shed copious lacrymal secretions that do wonders for a glowing complexion, the kind that is normally seen only on the face of politicians after the receipt of a few Samsonite suitcases.// Shefaly I thought this deserves a reaction from you! 98.79% ?

  17. Vivek Khadpekar

    Doc,

    There is a deshi version of that one:

    A pious shopkeeper notices in the bazaar a holy man — whom he reveres — spitting paan in the street.

    Shopkeeper: “Swamiji! You eat paan!”

    Swamiji: “Occasionally, when I’ve had a drink.”

    Sk: “You mean…you drink too?”

    Sj: “Well, it goes rather well with meat.”

    Sk: “WHAT! You eat MEAT???”

    Sj: “Well, you see, there’s this very charming young lady whom I sometimes visit in that bordello down the street. It’s impossible to resist her hospitality.”

  18. i think you are right

  19. @ R-Doc: Even so… ๐Ÿ™‚

    @ Vivek: I did? Ok if you say so. Thank you.

    @ Prerna: R-Doc may be referring to his own specially defined universe ๐Ÿ™‚ I haven’t seen the data and he doesn’t claim this study is without flaws or limitations. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  20. This joke exchange reminds me of that scene in “Sholay” when Amitabh sets out to “praise” Dharmendra to his future mom-in-law.

    In fact, here it is : (Rambodoc, apologies for the long comment)

    Mausi : Arre beta, bas itna samaz lo ke ghar me jawaan beti seene par pathhar ke sil ki tarah hoti hai. Basanti ka byaah ho jaaye to chain ki saans loo.
    Jay : haa sach kaha mausi aapne. bada bojh hai aap par.
    Mausi : Lekin beta, is bojh ko koi kunwe me to phaik nahi deta.Bura nahi maananaa , itnaa to poochhanaa hi padataa hai ke ladke kaa khaandaan kyaa hai uske lachhchhan kaise hai, kamaataa kitnaa hai?
    Jay : Kamaane ka to ye hai mausi,..,ke ek baar biwi bachhon ki jimmedaari sar pe aa gayi to .. kamaane bhi lagegaa.
    Mausi : To kya abhi kuchh bhi nahi kamaataa?
    Jay : Nahi nahi ye maine kya kahaa mausi, kamaataa hai lekin,… ab roj roj to aadmi jeet nahi saktaa na. .. kabhi haar bhi jaataa hai bechaaraa?
    Mausi : haar jaata hai?
    Jay : haan mausi ab ye kambakht juwaa cheej hi aisi hai ab mai kyaa kahoon ?
    Mausi : heynnnn. to kya juwaari hai?
    Jay : chhi chhi chhi chhi mausi, woh aur juwaari na na. woh to bahot hi achchha aur nek ladka hai.Lekin mausi, ek baar sharaab pi li na phir, achchhe bure ka kahaa hosh rahataa hai. Haath pakad ke bitha liyaa kisi ne juwaa helane. ab isme bechare Veeru ka kya dosh?
    Mausi : Thik kahate ho beta. juwaari woh sharaabi woh lekin, uska koi dosh nahi.
    Jay : Mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samaz rahi hai. woh to itanaa seedha aur bhola hai. aare basanti se uski shaadi karke to dekhiye, ye juwe aur sharaab ki aadat to do din me chhoot jaayegi.
    Mausi : Arre beta, mujh budhiyaa ko samaza rahe ho. ye sharaab aur juwe ki aadat kisi ki chhooti hai aaj tak.
    Jay : Mausi aap Veeru ko nahi jaanti , vishwaas kijiye wo is tarah kaa insaan nahi hai. Ek baar shaadi ho gayi to woh us gaane-waali ke ghar jaanaa band kar degaa. bas, sharaab apne aap chhoot jaayegi.
    Mausi : Hi hi, bas yehi ek kami raha gayi thi. to kya kisi gaane-waali ke ghar bhi aanaa jaanaa hai?
    Jay : To isme kaunsi buri baat hai mausi. arre , gaana soonane to raajaa-mahaaraajaa unche unche khaandaan ke log jaate hai, haan.
    Mausi : Achchha ! to beta ye bhi bataate jaao ki tumhare yeh gunwaan dost kis khaandaan ke hai?
    Jay : Bas mausi, khaandaan ka pataa chalate hi ham aap ko khabar de denge.

  21. LOL!!@ the ‘Wife from hell’ joke!!
    women are just way too smart.. and they don’t even have to try to make it obvious! ๐Ÿ˜‰ wat say doc??

  22. Hilariously funny… The BMW is quite true in todays day…!

  23. Lekhni:
    Yes, at that time, it was precious and a first. It is precious even now.
    Aman:
    Yes.
    Perplexed:
    I agree. In that sense, after you get married, you can change your username to ‘Smugface’, and your husband can blog under the name of ‘Perplexed’.
    Anyways, you are commenting after a long time. Welcome back!
    Anamika:
    Thanks. Welcome here. As you write poetry, I invite you to visit the ‘Inverse Twist’ Page where you will find priceless, unpublished poetry from anonymous, Nobel-winning poets (I hope poets get prizes apart from screwing the odd romantic-minded student).
    Oops, I realise I made a fox-pass! You are a poet yourself, and this may not sound like a good joke to you. But what to do: arrow left not coming back!

  24. Doc,

    This is way too funny. I particularly like the characterization of Chabaademardangini, though woe be unto me if I ever come across her.

    The Ammazon and the Old Hen are spot on.

  25. Cluck,cluck, cluckcluckcluck!

  26. Atul:
    Thanks. Gld you like it.
    Maami:
    Poor Maama (though I don’t believe you)!!

  27. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ hilarious!

  28. Hilarious! Wonderfully funny blog, my compliments! I have added you to my blogroll!

  29. Sakhi:
    Thanks.
    Nomad:
    Thanks for the compliments and for blogrolling me. I hope to visit you soon, as soon as I get a little time!

  30. hehehehehe… I knew I could come here for a treat like this.
    Wonder what you would name that clingy one – malati perhaps – the ones that jealously hang on to their husband’s arms and pepper every snetence with “avar sollitaar”, “avarukku idaan pudikkum” etc…

  31. heheheheheโ€ฆ I knew I could come here for a treat like this.
    Wonder what you would name that clingy one – malati perhaps – the ones that jealously hang on to their husbandโ€™s arms and pepper every sentence with โ€œavar sollitaarโ€, โ€œavarukku idaan pudikkumโ€ etcโ€ฆ
    (mala or even better lata?)

  32. Usha:
    Son marriage aall wokay-yaa?
    Mala or Lata sounds great for this type of woman. Somehow, I never seem to attract the clingy types ever. Whoever comes to me kind of seems happy to leave after a while (puntoxicity), a sort of recoiling plant: I wonder what they are called in India? Touch-me-not or something??

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