You should really read my ‘Twelve Things I Hate About Women’ before you understand the
death depth of wisdom here.
ada ado, let me list here the Indian women who I love:
1. Puppyta: I love women who love puppies. I can’t understand women who don’t like dogs, who don’t like chocolates or mangoes, and women who marry me, but those are different stories.
2. Khandalaeswari (old name Su-charita*), aka The Maker: I mean women who make out. It is this type of woman who is so good, so easy to get along with. You know, like how you can understand that she wants the same as you do. Any more or less, the equation blows up like Paul‘s inflatable doll #2035.
*of good character
3. Powdernima (old name Subhra*), aka Cakeyee: This woman submerges her self deep within layers of colored cake. The enormous modesty and humility required to do so is almost Zen-like. After all, what could be a greater admission of imperfection than to attempt a cosmetic correction? A long time ago, I had a girl friend who used to put powder on her pretty brown face. I loved the cosmetic faux-pas, for it made her more vulnerable. A little later on, she crushed me to powder by marrying a cosmetic surgeon, so I guess it made me look vulnerable and white-faced, too.
4. Aansoo-la/Bhagirathi*/Ganga*/Bindu, aka The Tearing Success: A certain proportion of womanhood, estimated to be in the vicinity of 98.79% of the species, are prone to shed copious lacrymal secretions that do wonders for a glowing complexion, the kind that is normally seen only on the face of politicians after the receipt of a few Samsonite suitcases.
A tiny minority do not shed ocular fluid, and when they do, it is often a solitaire (hence the name Bindu) that begins a lonely trek down. This second type of woman causes prolonged lacrymation in other humans. They are silent sufferers for a short while and so make the rest of humanity suffer loudly for the rest of their lifetime. I love how effective these women are. Look at Indira Gandhi and you get the picture.
** names of Indian rivers
5. Shalini*/Kumkum, aka BMW, the Bold Modest Woman: I am referring to a certain type of woman who looks to be the picture of painful Indian modesty, draped in a sari, and, during the post-operative visit at my clinic, is unwilling to reveal the tapes or band-aids that need to be removed. After the necessary is done with the aid of two hefty female nurses and attendants (holding arms and legs while I gently rip off the tapes), the real woman emerges. The husband asks, “Doc, what can she eat?“, and she scornfully shuts him up with a look that, were technology able to decipher thought clouds, would have said, “Worm!”
The BMW looks straight at me and asks, “When can we have sex?”
I assume she refers to sex with the worm.
Taken aback a bit and a half, I say, “Right now. I mean, when you want.” To dispel any konfooshun, I say, looking at the worm and then at her, “Whenever you think it is the appropriate opportunity“.
I wonder if they really understood what I meant. I haven’t seen them since.
6. Chabaademardangini*, aka, The Cad Chewing Type: The kind of woman who is seen only in movies, where she takes on rascals (by definition, all males) and emerges victorious. Usually known to graduate from one of the 36 Chambers of Shaolin or comparable centers of excellence, like the Bahujan Samaj Party.
7. Purvaja*/Rakhi, aka De-sister: The woman who makes a brother out of the most hardened Romeos. Alternatively, the woman every man wants to make a sister out of, for his own safety (Kutshita). Muslim equivalent: Sakhi-na.
8. Ivy*, aka Shaadhika: Usually in the early thirties, this woman may have a history of lost marriage opportunities, and then gets busy in survival or career progress issues. When things settle down on these fronts, she gets very focussed and objective in what her targets are: no faltu romance with hungry graduate types, but an unfailing attraction for either the corporate equivalent of a Saudi prince or a well-off wimp (‘good husband material’, in modern Victorian terms) who would be easy to live with.
9. The Ammazon: She is the immortal Maa of Indian culture, the bane of every future daughter-in-law. How can someone compete against a woman who has fine-tuned the preference settings of a man from birth? How can idlis ever be as soft and fluffy as Amma‘s? How can the aroma of any biryani match that made by Ammijaan?
10. Manjulika*, aka My Adorable Daughter (MAD): This type is included for the sake of completeness. I am too young to have had daughters, but I have heard from reliable sources that you are never a complete man unless you have a daughter or two. My question is, “If you are a complete mess, rather than a man, then how relevant is this?” After all, once you survive a few years of marriage, the characteristics that identify a man are an ability to mimic a quadruped, callosities on the buttocks, a pot belly (‘lemon-and-matchsticks appearance’) and a bald head (which makes it two lemons, I suppose). How much more completion would a man want?
*a sweet girl
11. Taaniya/Hensika, aka The Old Hen: Typical dialogues heard include:
When man is resting at home: “Why at home, you have no work-aa?”
When man is away working: “Why you are naat coming home?”
When man returns, dog-tired: “Whaat is the point of coming home at aall? You might as well have come home tomarrow!”
Aalso: “You have no energy, look at Mr. Das next door…”
When man is vibrant, energetic, youthful: “Why you are so restless? Why can’t you act your age?”
12. Kaamini*, the out-of-reach girl next door:
She is so desirable and even makes the odd eye contact, but her father/brother is extremely powerful and lacking in ruth. Who cannot but love her? And who can dare to? After she elopes, her name changes in popular parlance to Kamini.
*Goddess of love
Have I missed anyone else you know?
Unrelated related post: at The Imagined Universe.