WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-23-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jamaican Usain Bolt shattered the world record in the men’s 100 meter dash to win the gold medal over the weekend. The only person in the world faster than Bolt is John McCain running away from George Bush. (William Hale)

Russia’s invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy. (Argus Hamilton)

After the Olympics, the Chinese will be converting the Great Wall into the world’s longest shopping center. It will be titled the Great Mall of China. (Author Unknown)

Morgan Stanley has been hired to help the government fix mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Isn’t that like Paris Hilton going to Britney Spears for acting lessons? (Jim Barach)

The former President of Chad has been sentenced to death for crimes against the state. His execution could result in his becoming a hanging Chad. (Jim Barach)

A study says that runners live longer and stay healthier than people who don’t exercise. Next they will be telling us that people who read more tend to be smarter. (Jim Barach)

Wal-Mart’s hourly employees complained Friday that managers of the company told them that they should vote for McCain. Employees thought it was outrageous; years of working for the company and the owners still don’t know illegals can’t vote! (Pedro Bartes)

On TV, a U. S. political expert said we should lower the voting age to 16. Hey, why stop at 16? By the time this election is over — I have a feeling we’re all gonna be wishing we were wearing diapers. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal. There was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested he should have it bronzed. (Alex Kaseberg)

At the Beijing Olympics, Misty May-Traenor and Kerry Walsh defeated China to win the gold medal in women’s beach volleyball in the pouring rain. How many chances to you get to see a great beach volleyball gold medal win and a wet t-shirt contest at the same time? (Alex Kaseberg)

McCain said Thursday that money is not everything and that he knows billionaires that are not happy. Just like his wife, Cindy, every time she has to change his diapers. (Pedro Bartes)

Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs – and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room. (Craig Ferguson)

THE OLYMPICS

U. S. women gymnasts won the gold and silver medals in the all-around competition. The Chinese team was profoundly disappointed, but felt better after they had a little nap and some cookies. (Jake Novak)

Hard to believe with all the time and money invested in the Olympics, that by the end of August they will be over. Just like the Yankees. (Janice Hough)

Beijing officials continue to claim the air is filled with fog not smog. This despite the fact that yesterday the Olympic torch accidentally ignited the fog. (Alex Kaseberg)

Olympics athletes, especially those who won medals, are going to make quite a lot of money in future endorsements. Michael Phelps is in talks with several cereal companies, the US female beach volleyball team in talks with sport apparel and the Chinese Gymnasts with Pampers diapers. (Pedro Bartes)

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps says he eats 12,000 calories a day. This means that nearly every American can say they have the same diet as an Olympic gold medalist. (Jim Barach)

China has been asked to provide additional documents proving that five of the six members of its gold medal women’s gymnastics team were old enough to compete in the Beijing Olympics. China says the team members will provide that data as soon as they’re old enough to read them. (Jake Novak)

Michael Phelps endorsed Frosted Flakes Thursday as part of his twelve-thousand-calorie daily diet. The U.N. is horrified. Michael Phelps only produces one-tenth of one percent of the world’s gold but he consumes thirty percent of the world’s corn. (Argus Hamilton)

The Chinese government gets the gymnasts’ gold medals, the girls have to settle for gummi bears. (Michael Feldman)

Michael Phelps hinted Monday that he might compete in the London Olympic Games in four years. He just set seven world records and won eight gold medals. So you see, John Edwards isn’t the only man who hasn’t evolved, Michael Phelps is still a fish (Argus Hamilton)

Bahrain runner Rashid Ramzi won the 1500 meters to give his nation its first gold medal ever. This guy is such a hero now in that country, princes are naming their first 20 children after him. (Alan Ray)

Japan has stunned the U. S. by beating the Americans for the gold medal in softball. Apparently, no one told the U. S. team that there is no “beer inning” in international play. (Jake Novak)

In the Beijing Olympics, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set a world record in the 200 meters after setting one in the 100 meters. You think he’s fast now? Wait until he has airport security chasing him when they find out his first name is Usain. (Alex Kaseberg)

China’s impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that “abnormally high levels of lead” were found in the first-place medallions. The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint. (Andy Borowitz)

THE CONVENTIONS

A Hair salon in Denver is offering free haircuts to homeless people to help them boost their self-esteem and get ready for the Democratic National Convention. Among those homeless who needed a haircut, John Edwards… (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama slammed John McCain for being out of touch; to which McCain angrily replied, “Oh, fiddlesticks, all you whippersnappers know about is jitterbugging to your Hi Fi.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Barack Obama says he’s made his choice for his “dream running mate,”… the only trouble is, he can’t choose himself. (Jake Novak)

It’s reported John McCain might announce his VP candidate on August 29th, the day of his birthday. Apparently, the senator needs someone younger to help him blow the candles of the cake. (Pedro Bartes)

Saying he feels sorry that John McCain can’t recall how many houses he owns, Barack Obama admitted today that he doesn’t know how many rooms his own Chicago mansion contains. But Obama denied that he’s filthy rich. After all, he’ll have to downsize when he moves to the White House. (Scott Witt)

Change We Can Believe In is the title of a new book by Barack Obama due to come out Sept. 7th. Presumably, it will try to explain all of his changes in position since winning the nomination. But it may have to be an ebook instead of a paperback so that it can be updated daily. (Scott Witt)

Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country’s leader as “President 404 Error: File Not Found. (Stephen Colbert)

Threatening letters containing an unidentified powder were sent to John McCain campaign offices in Colorado and New Hampshire on Thursday, officials said. The letters read: “You’ d better take this Metamucil or you won’t poop ever again” signed: Your Doctor. (Pedro Bartes)

According to Vanity Fair, Barack Obama has a half-brother that lives in a shack in Kenya. Apparently he is renting that shack from John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

It was reported Monday that John McCain might announce his VP candidate on August 29th, the day of his birthday. Apparently, the senator needs someone younger to help him blow the candles of the cake. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is clearing brush in Texas this week while his father is racing boats in Maine. They’re so competitive. We had one President Bush who oversaw the fall of the Soviet Union and another President Bush who helped get it back on its feet. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Robert Byrd says that George W. Bush is the worst president ever. Of course, he is only comparing him to the presidents he has actually worked with, but says even Harding and Grant were better. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was revealed Thursday to have flipped a Florida condo for one hundred thirty thousand dollars in profit, with the help of an interest-free loan he didn’t disclose. The rest of the Senate is furious at him. He got a sweetheart loan, he didn’t report it, and he didn’t share the lobbyist with the rest of the class. (Argus Hamilton)

Nancy Pelosi threatened Friday to strip Joe Lieberman of his Homeland Security chairmanship if he doesn’t stop criticizing Barack Obama. She’s in the House and he’s in the Senate. The only power Nancy Pelosi has to strip Joe Lieberman is if she decides to moonlight as an airport screener and he comes through her checkpoint. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton told people in Africa last week that they must practice monogamy. He also advised a limited number of sex partners. If narcissism were labeled a disease by the AMA tomorrow, Bill Clinton’s HMO would drop him for having a pre-existing condition. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Los Angeles schools begin a new year today under severe budget cuts. They cut classroom supplies for teachers but gave out free condoms to students. This should help everyone who can’t afford to have an affair with a student on a teacher’s salary. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

A study says that two thirds of all businesses in the U.S. pay no taxes. Mostly because they are based in other countries and outsource all their work. (Jim Barach)

Wall Street rallied on falling oil prices Friday as the U.S. dollar soared. Gold has fallen two hundred dollars an ounce in three weeks. Every time Michael Phelps asks his broker for today’s price of gold it all seems like a lot of work for nothing. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. trade deficit has been shrinking. June’s exports of goods and services was at a record high. The number one export from the U.S.?… Jobs. (Jim Barach)

Standard & Poor’s says the credit crisis is halfway over. Half way? Apparently it won’t be complete until every single home is in foreclosure. (Jim Barach)

The Dow Jones soared Friday on the sudden strength of the U.S. dollar. It caused a plunge in commodity prices that ruined gold traders. When Michael Phelps won his seventh gold medal Friday he got a telegram from Ed McMahon welcoming him to the club. (Argus Hamilton)

A report says that one third of all new homeowners owe more than what their house is worth. The other two thirds are currently in foreclosure. (Jim Barach)

CANADA

Canada will have its first local porn channel after agreeing it will carry at least 50% local product. Authorities figure with at least 50% of the content featuring Canadian porn stars, people will be tuning out at least half the time. (Jim Barach)

Canada’s government allowed a film production company to launch a digital porn channel on Canada’s cable network Friday. The producers had to agree to use fifty percent Canadian talent. For every actress in Los Angeles this puts a crimp in Plan B. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russian media is saying that the conflict in South Ossetia was part of a plot by Dick Cheney to stop Barack Obama from being elected president. Cheney immediately denied those rumors and said the conflict wasn’t to stop Obama; it is just that the doctor told him that as a prescription he should start a war every 5 years to keep his heart going. (Pedro Bartes)

Russian soldiers seized Georgia’s Black Sea port Tuesday, stole five American Humvee jeeps left by the U. S. Army, and drove off in them. The Russians took the bait. Now we are perfectly positioned to bleed them to death one gallon at a time. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week it was Georgia, now the Russians are threatening Poland. And this just in: A study has shown wearing a fur hat ten months of the year can cause your brain to coagulate. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

IRAQ & IRAN

The U.S. has more contractors in Iraq than it has used in any other war. The $85 Billion they have billed makes up 20% of the cost of the war. Of course, after bribes, kickbacks and accounting errors that comes out to $245 in actual services. (Jim Barach)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

After years of corruption, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has announced his resignation today. But the resignation was forced, so we can expect him to show up at Green Bay Packers training camp before the end of the month. (Jake Novak)

Pakistan dictator Pervez Musharraf resigned Monday to flee the country. He was installed by the CIA just like Saddam Hussein was in Iraq. Pervez Musharraf wants to get the hell out of Dodge before his pension vests and one of the Bushes has him hanged. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A British patient who had been in a ten-week coma was revived when doctors resorted to blasting the music of the man’s favorite group, the Rolling Stones, in his hospital room. That’s the good news. The bad news is the loud music caused the patients in the two adjoining beds to sign “Do Not Resuscitate” requests. (Patrick Gorse)

Searching for Bigfoot got fleeced by two guys who claimed Friday that they found the beast. They made fifty grand selling a frozen gorilla suit to gullible investors. It’s nice to know some of the laid-off mortgage brokers have found work. (Argus Hamilton)

It turns out that the body of the so-called “big foot” in Atlanta was just a fake suit made of rubber. So it’s not a scientific discovery, but it is the perfect Democratic vice presidential nominee. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in the AP annual pre-season college football poll Friday, despite eight arrests and six suspensions. The state is in an uproar but not over football player misconduct. They think the Russians are coming. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Phelps is expected to make $50 million per year in commercial endorsements, second only to Tiger Woods’ $87 million… because Phelps just can’t bring himself to tell people to buy a Buick. (Jake Novak)

Brett Favre thrilled New York Jets fans with his play Saturday. There is a lot more interest in the Jets games now. The fans in the end-zone seats have stopped asking women to take their blouses off and started asking them to take their hats off. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball signed an agreement Wednesday that will allow the sport to start using instant replay to help determine calls on the field. In light of this, The Chicago Cubs have asked MLB if they could replay the last 100 years. (William Hale)

Preseason college football polls are out. When a Georgia Bulldog player puts his index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing. That’s how many years of probation he’s received. (Alan Ray)

Major League Baseball umpires refused Tuesday to use instant replay cameras on home runs this fall. It’s psychological. Sticking their heads inside that hooded viewer may remind the umpires of all the tests they failed at the eye doctor’s office. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says the pose of a champion is innate. Blind people strike the same poses in victory as others. The only people who have no idea what kind of pose to strike in victory are Cubs fans. (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods’s golf coach Hank Haney will try to fix Charles Barkley’s horribly ugly swing on a new Golf Channel series. A lot is at stake. If Hank Haney can fix Charles Barkley’s swing he will replace Tony Blair as peace envoy for the Middle East. (Argus Hamilton)

The USC Trojans sidelined dozens of their players Wednesday because they were suffering from jock itch. The coach said the team’s new too-tight elastic underpants cause the rash. It’s such torture that Dick Cheney’s coming to practice to see how it works. (Argus Hamilton)

The Cincinnati Bengals have re-signed wider receiver Chris Henry. He reported to camp 50 pounds heavier. He was carrying his arrest record. (Alan Ray)

ENTERTAINMENT

Tropic Thunder is the number 1 movie at the box office. Everybody talks about Robert Downey Jr.’s performance as a white man that undergoes surgery to become black. I guess when he wins the Oscar, he’ll have to thank those who inspired him in that role, like Condoleezza Rice. (Pedro Bartes)

MTV is starting a new season of the show Cribs, they are already booked for two years and that is only with McCain’s houses. (Pedro Bartes)

Barry Levinson began filming a documentary on the mix of politics and Hollywood called PoliWood. It’s an exchange. Arnold Schwarzenegger tells politicians how to get elected and John Edwards tells film stars how to weasel out of paternity tests. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

47% of Americans say they would like the Fairness Doctrine brought back for radio and TV. They say fair would be good in TV, as opposed to what it is now. Poor. (Jim Barach)

John McCain is criticizing NBC news for giving Barack Obama more-favorable press coverage. Then he realized that the tall guy NBC loves so much was Michael Phelps. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married on Saturday. Apparently, the similarity between a middle aged man and middle aged lesbian is clear, a man would get a Porshe, a lesbian a Portia… (Pedro Bartes)

Larry King is getting a divorce. The filing process was speedy. On the court’s computer, his application is the default page. (Alan Ray)

Fans have noticed that Britney Spears’ Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless, proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School. (Jacob Novak)

N.Y. Times film critic Elvis Mitchell explained twelve thousand dollars in cash hidden in a shoebox to U.S. Customs officials by saying he’s afraid of banks. He’s not alone. Mattress companies now advertise that this year’s queen-size holds forty percent more cash than last year’s. (Argus Hamilton)

Robert Downey Jr. incited protests by civil rights groups Monday after he played a comedy role in Tropic Thunder in blackface. The movie is a huge box-office hit. Six months from now Meryl Streep will win the Academy Award for playing Richard Pryor. (Argus Hamilton)

Phil Collins is paying his third wife $50 million to go away, almost the same amount of money Paul McCartney paid Heather Mills on his divorce not long ago. It is official now; marriage surpassed online music sharing as the number one cause for the collapse of the music industry. (Pedro Bartes)

Jerry Lewis was cited at the Las Vegas airport for carrying an unloaded gun in his carry-on luggage. He has a very good reason for carrying the handgun. That’s what it takes nowadays to book a variety show in Hollywood when all you pay is union scale. (Argus Hamilton)

The widow of legendary TV producer Aaron Spelling says that because of the downturn of the U. S. economy and housing market, she will soon give up the 56,500 square-foot, 123-room, 200 million dollar mansion she shared with her husband and move to a condo. Candy Spelling says times are really hard. She had to switch the polo ponies to an all dry-food diet. (Patrick Gorse)

EDUCATION

Harvard is the #1 ranked U.S. college in the annual U.S. News & World Report list. The ranking formula looks for the highest SAT scores, narrowest selectivity, and the lowest percentage of undergrads who can actually get laid. (Jake Novak)

College presidents from about 100 of the nation’s best-known universities are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. Apparently, they all agreed that drunk is the only way teens will find the presidential candidates appealing. (Pedro Bartes)

Support is mounting for the colleges that want the legal drinking age for students dropped to 18 from the present 21. Backers point out that students old enough to be brainwashed by loony left-wing professors are old enough to drink. (Scott Witt)

100 leading college presidents are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. They need to keep the students drunk so they can get away with what they charge for tuition. (Jake Novak)

The initiative to lower the drinking age has been endorsed by a hundred college presidents in an effort to reduce binge drinking. There are better ways to curtail campus beer drinking. Accept only students or college presidents with the wisdom and good taste of at least a 2nd grader. Let a 2nd grader taste your beer and he’s spit it all over you. [Joe Hickman]

100 leading college presidents are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. They need to keep the students drunk so they can get away with what they charge for tuition. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The CEO of ExxonMobil is defending his company’s $40 Billion a year profits, saying it costs $1 Billion a day just to run company. Mostly for executive salaries. He says that along with higher oil prices come higher bribe demands from Congress as well. (Jim Barach)

Microsoft has tapped Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista . Jerry is the right person for that because Vista crashes as often as he crashes his cars. (Pedro Bartes)

Cash-strapped brokerage Lehman Brothers is considering selling off some of its most valuable assets, including its investment management business, a hedge fund, and most of the top executive’s mistresses. (Jake Novak)

Mrs. Fields is planning on filing bankruptcy. Apparently the company has just run out of dough. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-23-08

  1. “the lowest percentage of undergrads who can actually get laid.” – hehahaha!!

  2. borrowed from somewhere..
    new research– water is indeed wet

  3. Ha… ha… ha.. best thing to read in the morning.. will be smiling the whole day! 🙂 🙂

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