WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-30-08

Warning Alert: Mega Post!

Part 1: The Democratic Convention

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Now we go from the Beijing Olympics to the Democratic Convention. Oh goody. That’s like going from a naked super model hot tub party to a root canal appointment. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Democratic National Convention begins today in Denver. With the Republican convention set for next week, it’s what you might call the lull before the lull. [Joe Hickman]

She (Michelle Obama) must prove she loves America, as opposed to Republicans, who everyone knows love America. They just hate half the people living in it. (Jon Stewart)

On Republicans citing health concerns over Biden’s brain aneurysms: You can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

To those who still believe in the myth of a maverick instead of the reality of a politician, I say let’s compare Senator McCain to Candidate McCain. Candidate McCain now supports the very wartime tax cuts that Senator McCain once called irresponsible. Candidate McCain criticizes Senator McCain’s own climate change bill. Candidate McCain says he would vote against the immigration bill that Senator McCain wrote. Are you kidding me, folks? Talk about being for it before you’re against it! Let me tell you, before he ever debates Barack Obama, John McCain should finish the debate with himself. (Sen. John Kerry)

Last night Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for president of the United States. I think things are starting to look bad for Hillary. (David Letterman)

You know, folks, that’s the America that George Bush has left us. And that’s the America we’ll continue to get if George — excuse me, if John McCain is elected president of the United States of America. Freudian slip. Freudian slip. (Joe Biden)

Trojan is giving away free condoms at the Democratic National Convention. It makes sense because it seems Democrats have been screwing each other since the convention started. (Pedro Bartes)

Obama repeatedly said there was no difference between John McCain and President Bush… mostly because all white people look alike to him. (Jake Novak)

For every American who is trying to do the right thing, for all those people in government who are honoring the pledge to uphold the law and honor the Constitution, no longer will you hear the eight most dreaded words in the English language: The Vice President’s Office is on the phone. (Joe Biden}

Well, Bill Clinton has already promised to be there. He figures since the convention’s being held in Denver, he can join the Mile High Club without ever leaving the ground. (Jay Leno)

According to Vanity Fair, Barack Obama has a half-brother that lives in a shack in Kenya. Apparently he is renting that shack from John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION SPEECHES

If he’s the answer, then the question must be ridiculous. (Gov. David Patterson, on McCain)

We can’t simply drill our way to energy independence if you drilled everywhere, if you drilled in all of John McCain’s backyards, even the ones he doesn’t know he has. (Gov. Brian Schweitzer)

Today, we face essentially the same choice we faced in 2000, though it may be even more obvious now, because John McCain, a man who has earned our respect on many levels, is now openly endorsing the policies of the Bush-Cheney White House and promising to actually continue them. The same policies all over again? Hey, I believe in recycling, but that’s ridiculous. (Al Gore)

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they’re awfully hard to tell apart. (Hillary Clinton)

John McCain likes to say that he’ll follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell, but he won’t even go to the cave where he lives. (Barack Obama)

We can’t simply drill our way to energy independence if you drilled everywhere, if you drilled in all of John McCain’s backyards, even the ones he doesn’t know he has. (Gov. Brian Schweitzer)

John McCain calls himself a maverick, but he votes with George Bush over 90 percent of the time. That’s not a maverick that’s a sidekick. (Sen. Bob Casey)

John McCain may pay hundred of dollars for his shoes, but we’re the ones who will pay for his flip-flops. (Gov. Bill Richardson)

For over two decades, he’s subscribed to that old, discredited Republican philosophy — give more and more to those with the most and hope that prosperity trickles down to everyone else. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society, but what it really means is you’re on your own. Out of work? Tough luck. No health care? The market will fix it. Born into poverty? Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps — even if you don’t have boots. You’re on your own. Well, it’s time for them to own their failure. It’s time for us to change America. (Barack Obama)

I kept thinking, if only I had as much gray hair as Joe (Biden), maybe (Obama) would have made a different decision. Maybe I should have gotten some of that reverse Grecian Formula. (Sen. Evan Bayh)

Look, I owe the American people an apology. If I had beaten the old man you’d of never heard of, the kid and you wouldn’t be in this mess. So it’s all my fault and I feel that very, very strongly. (Michael Dukakis)

DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

The Democratic National Convention started Monday. The stadium is filled with well known politicians and celebrities. The only other place where you can find such a conglomeration of famous celebrities and politicians is in rehab. (Pedro Bartes)

You know the amazing thing about the Democratic convention? In the first hour, Michael Phelps won another gold medal. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE OBAMAS

Barrack Obama, preparing the most important speech of his life, is cramming it with detailed proposals because he says, “the people of this country want the facts.” John McCain says Obama will do anything to get elected — even tell the truth. [Joe Hickman]

And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years. (Jay Leno)

Michelle Obama said she’s been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn’t that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama’s wife Michelle was introduced to the Denver convention Monday by her mother and brother. Obama gave his in-laws everything they wanted and he gave the Clintons everything they wanted. If his convention bounce is greater than five points in the polls, Poland’s going to start handing out Russian textbooks to their schoolchildren. (Argus Hamilton)

Michelle Obama’s speech last night at the convention focused on two tracks: Barack Obama as a husband and father, and Barack Obama as a political leader… which is why the first part of the speech took 15 minutes and the second part was 38 seconds. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech Thursday on a stage resembling a Greek temple. It was for TV ratings. In Greek temples they sacrificed virgins or goats, and either way it would entice viewers to think Bill Clinton was part of the ceremony. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was nominated for president Wednesday by a roll call vote of the Democratic convention in Denver. It was a historic moment in American history. Half the party was thrilled that an African-American was nominated for president and the other half could only console each other that he was British on his mother’s side. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama had a sneezing fit onstage Thursday from a cold he said he caught from his children. He blamed his own children rather than the strangers he meets every day on the campaign trail. This is how Reagan’s kids ended up not talking to him. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama will speak in Denver tonight while delegates wave signs bearing his campaign slogan, Change You Can Believe In. His brother George lives in a hut in Kenya on less than a dollar a month. His campaign slogan is Change You Can Live On. (Argus Hamilton)

This Thursday, Barack Obama is going to give his acceptance speech and, reportedly, it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. And they say Obama’s not black enough. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama has accepted the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. He gave his acceptance speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her “I Had a Dream! ” speech. (Jay Leno)

They had a Mount Olympus backdrop with columns on it… a little over the top. Like when they introduced him as “Barack — son of Zeus! ” That seemed over the top. (Jay Leno)

THE BIDENS

Joe Biden repeatedly linked John McCain with President Bush in his speeches. That may be a mistake. President Bush is increasingly popular now that he’s for offshore drilling and he hasn’t invaded the wrong country in five years. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Biden addressed the convention Wednesday, four days after Barack Obama named him his running mate. He hasn’t polled well. Some commentators openly ridicule his hair plugs, proving once again that in politics it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up. (Argus Hamilton)

And Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the “full package,” that’s what she called him, that’s the actual term she used, she called him the “full package.” Now he’s getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it’s to tell her they picked Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years (David Letterman)

Joe Biden was chosen the Democratic vice presidential running mate Saturday for his working-class roots. He appeals to people with high school educations and blue collar manufacturing jobs. The trouble is, the people in Sri Lanka can’t vote. (Argus Hamilton)

I can hardly wait until tonight when the band strikes up “Happy Days Are Here Again,” and Joe Biden says “Oh goody, I just love Fonzie.” [Joe Hickman]

During his acceptance speech last night, Joe Biden told the delegates that a tragic event almost ended his career in politics. It was a solemn lesson in choosing the wrong doctor to get your hair plugs. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. It is not a coincidence that Obama chose someone like Biden that back in the days used to be a lifeguard, Obama knows that after the Olympics anything that has to do with swimming will give you the Michael Phelp’s bump. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CLINTONS

Hillary and Bill Clinton got stuck in a elevator shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained, especially Bill who has never been together with Hillary for more than a minute. (Pedro Bartes)

Political analysts said that Hillary Clinton’s speech at the Democratic National Convention successfully united her supporters with Obama’s. No word yet if she’s working on a speech to unite her marriage. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton has released her delegates to vote for Barack Obama. Too bad they’re all voting for John McCain. (Jake Novak)

Both Clintons proved they were capable of uniting the Democratic party. They were so effective, they got a phone call from MSNBC to see if the can write a speech to unite their hosts. (Pedro Bartes)

Senator Hillary Clinton addressed the Democratic Convention. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Political analysts believe that Hillary’s and Bill’s speeches have united the Democratic party and now Democrats are ready for success. Not so quickly, the airline has been UNITED for a long time and they still suck. (Pedro Bartes)

How about Hillary Clinton last night at the Democratic Convention in Denver? Wasn’t that amazing? She wore a bright orange pantsuit. Looked like a CalTrans worker on the Hollywood Freeway. (David Letterman)

Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic Convention last night and it got emotional. It got so emotional at one point, Bill Clinton was crying so hard his date had to blow his nose. (Alex Kaseberg)

Some Obama supporters were disappointed that Mrs. Clinton didn’t explain why she decided to swallow her pride for the good of the Democratic Party… but enough about why she’s still married to Bill. (Jake Novak)

And then earlier tonight, her husband Bill Clinton spoke at the convention, and what a great speech, what a tremendous speech. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers. (David Letterman)

It’s official, earlier today Hillary Clinton released her delegates, making it official, Barack Obama is now officially Democratic nominee for president. Very exciting. How many thought Hillary should have kept her delegates and released Bill? (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton delegates declared Friday that she’ll be a force at the Denver convention. The same day, federal officials scrapped the do-it-yourself deportation program. When Hillary Clinton didn’t move to England they wrote it off as a good try. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And Bill Clinton was there and Hillary spoke, and Bill cheered and applauded during Hillary’s speech, he was cheering and applauding, and so was his date. (David Letterman)

Hillary Clinton will be speaking on Wednesday at the Democratic National Convention. Mrs Clinton negotiated the right to show a short film about her life that will air prior to her speech. Apparently the film is called : Sisterhood of the travelling pants II (Pedro Bartes)

Last night, during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. Hillary said, “That’s nice — but you know Bill… keeping promises is not his strong suit.” (Jay Leno)

Last night at the convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the elevator together when it got struck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill Clinton called it, “My own personal hell.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE DEMOCRATS

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved. (David Letterman)

Ted Kennedy said that nothing could stop him from coming to the Democratic Convention… especially since it was 2-for-1 shooter’s night at all the local Denver bars. (Jake Novak)

Al Gore will deliver the opening speech tonight in Denver and introduce Barack Obama. Just seven years ago Al was a failed presidential candidate, and today he is a billionaire. He’s going to attack the failed economic policies of George W. Bush. (Argus Hamilton)

Well, Democrats are furious, they’re going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down. (Jay Leno)

DENVER

The Democratic convention was reported Monday to have brought hundreds of millions of dollars to Denver. It’s the party that parties. Democrats always love to come to these conventions because they know they aren’t going anywhere in November. (Argus Hamilton)

Denver is enjoying a big economic boost thanks to the Democratic Convention, but with Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards not coming, the local prostitutes are going out of business. (Jake Novak)
During the National Democratic Convention, attendees chanted repeatedly “only 4 months”. It is a very safe slogan, only 4 months until Bush is gone, or even if Democrats lose, only 4 months of McCain’s presidency until he’s gone too. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who’s only been a senator for a couple of years. (Jay Leno)

Denver is enjoying a big economic boost thanks to the Democratic Convention, but with Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards not coming, the local prostitutes are going out of business. (Jake Novak)

The Democratic convention was reported Monday to have brought hundreds of millions of dollars to Denver. It’s the party that parties. Democrats always love to come to these conventions because they know they aren’t going anywhere in November. (Argus Hamilton)

The Denver Sheraton offered Democrats green-friendly room-entry swipe cards made of wood, but they didn’t work, so the hotel went back to plastic. The environmentalists had to face reality. If the convention banned all plastic, the California delegation would have been turned back at the airport. (Argus Hamilton)

The environmentally friendly wood key cards the Sheraton Hotel handed its guests in Denver didn’t work and they were forced to switch back to plastic. Everybody knew this was not going to work; the only door wood opens is Larry Craig’s. (Pedro Bartes)

The Democratic Convention, that’s the big story. True story, at the convention, over 160 miles of copper and collapsible cable has been installed to accommodate all the cameras and microphones. 160 miles, yeah. Experts say there hasn’t been this much cable laid at a convention since Bill Clinton was president (Conan O’Brien)

The Democratic convention began Monday as a tornado hit the Denver suburbs. It was nuts to schedule an outdoor stadium speech in the Rockies three weeks before the equinox. The Democrats gave up nominating climate experts when Al Gore didn’t win. (Argus Hamilton)

I don’t want to say Democrats are divided but when it was known the convention was going to be held at the Pepsi Convention center in Denver, Hillary’s supporters immediately said they’d prefer coke. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the New York Post, a delegate at the convention received information packets with three separate warmings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much greater effect at higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again. (Jay Leno)

THE DELEGATES

This is a weird story. At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they’re handing out thousands of free condoms. Yeah, apparently they’re doing this in case John Edwards shows up. (Conan O’Brien)

The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how that works. (David Letterman)

During the National Democratic Convention, attendees chanted repeatedly “only 4 months”. It is a very safe slogan, only 4 months until Bush is gone, or even if Democrats lose, only 4 months of McCain’s presidency until he’s gone too. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who’s only been a senator for a couple of years. (Jay Leno)

During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They’re being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale. (Conan O’Brien)

The Democratic National Convention got underway at the Pepsi Center in Denver Monday where the television cameras caught a lot of the delegates wearing pink. It wasn’t a political statement. Democrats don’t separate the colors from the whites when they do laundry, they put them together and let them learn from their differences. (Argus Hamilton)

New York delegates were warned Monday to drink carefully if they were not used to drinking in Denver. Party officials also anticipated breathing problems at an altitude of five thousand feet. Democrats are used to committing adultery at sea level. (Argus Hamilton)

The Denver Sheraton offered Democrats green-friendly room-entry swipe cards made of wood, but they didn’t work, so the hotel went back to plastic. The environmentalists had to face reality. If the convention banned all plastic, the California delegation would have been turned back at the airport. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA

Brian Williams said on NBC News that one of the reasons the Democrats held the convention in Denver is that Barack Obama is trying to turn red state Colorado blue. And conversely, John McCain who turns 72 on Friday is just trying to keep from turning blue. (Patrick Gorse)

The Democratic convention drew fourteen million viewers on the three broadcast networks combined Monday. The number is so low that the viewers divide easily into three categories. They are people who are passionate about the candidates, people who are passionate about the issues, and people who are still angry about the Civil War. (Argus Hamilton)

The left-wing cable news channel, MSNBC, canceled its decision to hire school cheerleaders to be its news anchors covering the Democratic convention, having found it already has terrific Obama cheerleaders led by Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews. (Scott Witt)

MSNBC lost the audio feed of the Democratic National Convention just when Nanci Pelosi started her speech. The TV crew realized there was something wrong, especially when Pelosi started to make sense. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

More on Rest of the News

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Beijing Olympics officially ended yesterday with the closing ceremonies. Yeah, afterwards, all the tourists went home to their countries, and all the Chinese women gymnasts went back to kindergarten.” (Conan O’Brien)

Conservatives are warning John McCain not to choose a pro-choice running mate… or, or, or… okay, they’ll still vote for him, but they won’t like it! (Jake Novak)

President Bush was asking about Denver, the site of the Democratic National Convention. When told it was a snowboarding capital, Bush asked if snowboarding was how they tortured people during the winter months. (Jim Barach)

Ellen DeGeneres says that she and Portia de Rossi talk about having kids… so they can both hit on a future nanny. (Pedro Bartes)

The founder of the Enzyte male enhancement pill company has been convicted and sentenced for fraud… an amazing accomplishment for prosecutors since no one was willing to complain about the products publicly. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

Republican officials said yesterday that they are considering delaying the start of the GOP convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul because of Gustav. When Bush heard the news, he called McCain and told him to offer Gustav anything he wants to accept the VP position. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush and Dick Cheney are expected to speak on the first day of the Republican National Convention. Organizers are concerned, it is going to be hard to find seat warmers willing to endure those speeches. (Pedro Bartes)

Like Barack Obama did with text messages, John McCain is hoping to inform his core supporters of his V.P. choice in the best way… so he’s going to print the name of his running mate on a bunch of menu’s for Denny’s early bird special. (Jake Novak)

John McCain is mulling his vice presidential choice. He’ll most likely pick someone much younger than he. His short list is down to 300 million. (Alan Ray)

Senator John McCain is said to announce his running mate today. Most of the media believes there’s a short list, it could be Pawlenty, Mashed Potatoes or Cole Slaw. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement. (David Letterman)

John McCain has chosen youthful Sarah Palin as his running mate. The McCain campaign got the idea after seeing a re-run of “Punky Brewster.” (Jake Novak)

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) used the announcement of his vice-presidential pick, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, to blast the experience of his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), arguing that Sen. Obama has never been the mayor of a 5,000-person town. “The Presidency of the United States of America is the toughest job on the planet…” While saying that her “vast experience” was the main reason he selected Gov. Palin, Sen. McCain said that she also had the other three qualifications he was looking for in a vice president: “She is pro-life, pro-drilling, and willing to housesit.” (Andy Borowitz)

According to the Dayton Daily News, Sen. John McCain was having trouble filling a 10,000 seat arena for a Friday rally where he would unveil his running mate. Then he picked up the phone and called every person that takes care of his houses and problem solved. (Pedro Bartes)

The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain’s campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in December. (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the U.S. Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, “Now go out there and build that fence.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE OLYMPICS

China has been asked to provide additional documents proving that five of the six members of its gold medal women’s gymnastics team were old enough to compete in the Beijing Olympics. China says the team members will provide that data as soon as they’re old enough to read them. (Jake Novak)

China angrily denied Friday that their women gymnasts are under sixteen. They look like sixth-graders. The idea of an eighteen-year-old girl looking twelve has polygamist ranches in Texas enrolling all their newborn girls in gymnastics classes. (Argus Hamilton)

The International Olympic Committee said Monday they found no evidence that the Chinese gymnasts were underaged because Chinese Officials handed proper passports and the correct birth certificates. Apparently, China had hired good people to make fake ID’s, probably the same ones McCain hired to say that he’s only 72. (Pedro Bartes)

The IOC decided Saturday that China’s women gymnasts are all at least sixteen years old and eligible for the Olympics. They look like pixies. They’re at that awkward age for Asian girls when they are too young to vote but too old to marry Woody Allen. (Argus Hamilton)

How about that Michael Phelps — wasn’t that an amazing display? Eight Olympic gold medals, eight Olympic gold medals, but to me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The most impressive thing is the guy is actually swimming home from China. (David Letterman)

After it was known that Michael Phelps consumes 12,000 calories, several companies approached the gold medallist to sponsor their products: Kellogg’s, McDonalds and Crane, the toilet maker company. (Pedro Bartes)

In the Beijing Olympics, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set a world record in the 200 meters after setting one in the 100 meters. You think he’s fast now? Wait until he has airport security chasing him when they find out his first name is Usain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was blasted by the IOC Friday for waving his arms and dancing after he won the gold. He had his reasons. If you don’t have a good end-zone dance you’re never going to get a job as a wide receiver in Dallas or Cincinnati. (Argus Hamilton)

The IOC has blasted Jamaica’s Usain Bolt for his antics after winning the 100 and 200 meter sprints at the Olympics for ignoring his competitors. Apparently he had no choice. He was waiting for them to finish. (Jim Barach)

Women’s beach volleyball proved the most popular sport at the Olympics Thursday with the U.S. winning the gold. The girls are tremendous athletes. How they can keep their balance with all those dollar bills stuck into their bikinis is anybody’s guess. (Argus Hamilton)

The Olympics was the most watched TV show in the history of television. So you know what’s coming this fall on NBC — “Beach Volleyball: Bouncing with the Stars.”

During the men’s 4 X 100-meter relay, the athlete Gay dropped the baton and the US team couldn’t get a medal. Apparently Gay got distracted with the other athletes’ batons. (Pedro Bartes)

Did you all enjoy the Olympic Games? I thought it was great. It was very exciting. Though there was one very emotional moment at the opening ceremonies, where they had children representing each of the 56 ethnic groups in China march into the stadium. Then the farmers and the sneaker factories said, “Okay, break’s over, back on the bus. Come on!” (Jay Leno)

The big news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. This is outrageous. If you can’t trust an oppressive, totalitarian dictatorship…” (Craig Ferguson)

Nastia Luikin returned to the United States but refused to sign autographs for fans; now I don’t want to say she’s a diva, but insider’s say Nastia’s personality has a 5.5 degree of difficulty. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama first revealed his running mate choice by text-messaging the name to his supporters. John McCain absolutely refuses to announce his running mate by text message. He knows that when you send people telegrams they think somebody’s died. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama and John McCain agreed on a debate schedule Thursday. They kept one eye on the TV ratings. The presidential candidates will debate three times, their running mates will debate once, and Cindy McCain will play Michelle Obama in beach volleyball. (Argus Hamilton)

Political analysts believe that Mitt Romney’s chances to become McCain’s running mate have decreased after the Democrats planned to make wealth a campaign issue. McCain might be force to look for an Independent or even a Democrat for his VP, because it is almost impossible to find somenone that is not rich inside the Republican party. (Pedro Bartes)

The John McCain campaign is trying to turn lemons into lemonade with the “I can’t remember how many houses I have” story. McCain’s appearing on the cover of next month’s issue of “Forgotten Homes and Gardens.” (Patrick Gorse)

According to Fox News, senator John McCain might announce his running mate choice earlier than expected. Apparently, he decided not to do it on his birthday because he was afraid there was not going to be enough time to blow all the candles of the cake and make the announcement on the same day. (Pedro Bartes)

Today is John McCain’s birthday. It is like any other day for the senator, because he forgot it is his birthday. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain says he isn’t sure how many homes he owns. He isn’t being arrogant or elitist. He also says he can’t remember what he had for breakfast or where he parked the car. (Jim Barach)

Political analysts believe that Mitt Romney’s chances to become McCain’s running mate have decreased after the Democrats planned to make wealth a campaign issue. McCain might be force to look for an Independent or even a Democrat for his VP, because it is almost impossible to find somenone that is not rich inside the Republican party. (Pedro Bartes)

This spring when John McCain launched his campaign tour of the “forgotten places” in America, who knew he was talking about his houses? (Janice Hough)

Joe Biden is preparing for a tough battle on the campaign trail. In an attempt to relate to the common man, he’s getting his hair plugs dyed in the colors of the Confederate Flag. (Jake Novak)

Today, both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. So it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain. (Conan O’Brien)

Political experts says that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance McCain will leak something else too. (Conan O’Brien)

It was reported this week that senator McCain has a lot of money left to run his presidential campaign. It is not that he is raising more than Obama, the difference is that he doesn’t spend much. How much could it cost to find tapes of Democrats trashing Obama? (Pedro Bartes)

Presumptive first lady nominee Cindy McCain responded to a reporter’s question today about how many half-sisters she had by saying that she was “unsure” about the exact number but would have “a staff member look into it.” Ms. McCain’s claims of being an only child were clouded this week by revelations that she has at least two heretofore unmentioned half-sisters, leading to reporters’ queries as to whether more undisclosed half-siblings were waiting in the wings. (Andy Borowitz)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush’s advisers are recommending he veto a Senate bill that would protect reporters from revealing their sources. President Bush says reporters should only have the right to protect White House sources leaking information that the President has personally approved. (Jim Barach)

Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck. (Steven Colbert)

THE ADMINISTRATION

“Forbes” released a list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the World and Condoleeza Rice is number 7. She is also number 22 in the 100 Most Powerful Men list. (Pedro Bartes)

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Israel Settlements are unhelpful to peace talks… because Arab leaders are too distracted trying to kill the Jews who live in them to show up for negotiations. (Jake Novak)

Condi Rice flew to Israel and Ireland Tuesday after assessing the situation in Iraq. She wanted to reassure Ireland and Israel because they’re afraid we’re going in alphabetical order. They’re just lucky that cars don’t run on blintzes or potatoes. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton dined with Boone Pickens in Las Vegas last Monday during an energy summit there. These two could make history. Between Boone Pickens’s windmills and Bill Clinton’s wind we could end America’s dependence on foreign oil once and for all. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

You got to give it to Republicans, now they are saying that they don’t use dirty or smear tactics against Obama and that they don’t approve of any violence against the candidate, not because they care about him; they don’t want to give Obama the satisfaction of getting the 72 virgins. (Pedro Bartes)

THE STATES

Alabama is going to charge overweight state workers an extra fee to get health insurance. If nothing else, it will guarantee the state an operating surplus for the next fifty years. (Jim Barach)

A Nebraska law will allow parents to abandon their teenagers if they can’t handle them. To which Britney Spears asked, “Why would anyone wait that long to abandon their kids?” (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

In New York City, a rare turtle is missing from a private zoo. What makes this turtle so unusual? It has two heads. The turtle was last seen outside the zoo — arguing with itself about which direction to escape. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

President Bush says hope is coming back to New Orleans. As in the people hope the government hasn’t forgotten them, they hope insurance will pay for their destroyed homes and they hope that another hurricane doesn’t hit until the Army Corps of Engineers fixes their mistakes. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The founder of Enzyte was convicted of defrauding customers seeking male sexual enhancement products. Ironically, he will end up becoming the product himself and provide sexual enhancement performance to all his cellmates. (Pedro Bartes)

IMMIGRATION

Federal officials say a self deportation program didn’t work so it is being shut down. Even when they are kicking Latinos out of the country, Americans want Latinos to do their job. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Food prices have seen the biggest increase since 1990. If the cost of food keeps going up, it means one thing. President Bush will send troops into Kansas. (Jim Barach)

A widely watched index released Tuesday showed home prices dropping by the sharpest rate ever in the second quarter. Which is good news for McCain and Cindy because they wanted to go house shopping this weekend to get houses to match the shoes she bought last week.

NASA & SPACE

The Mars Lander relayed soil sample data to the Livermore Laboratory Thursday, revealing the past presence of ice and water. Scientists have two questions. They want to know if there is life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico’s president met with 32 of its governors to create a plan to combat rising crime. The plan: they will stop stealing from the Mexican people for a while. (Pedro Bartes)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prince Charles has spoken out against genetically modified food. Yeah, he’s against genetically modified food — but he thinks it’s OK for a prince to have a genetically guaranteed job. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea has stopped disabling its nuclear reactor beacause it’s angry over Washington’s failure to remove it from the list of terror sponsors… Oh, and also they executed all the construction workers by accident. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A children’s hospital in Sydney, Australia has become the first to appoint a doctor dedicated to treating overweight children. In America we have a title for doctors who treat only overweight kids. Pediatrician. (Jim Barach)

A recent study found that there are more than a million of Americans that eat while sleepwalking. Hey, at least they exercise while they eat, unlike the rest of the country. (Pedro Bartes)

The FDA has approved a plan to irradiate lettuce and spinach. They just want to make sure no radiation is used on foods that Americans actually eat. (Jim Barach)

Scientists say that a five minute computer test will reveal how undecided voters will cast their ballots. Apparently the test asks them “How will you vote?” (Jim Barach)

The “Bigfoot” that was discovered in a block of ice in Georgia turned out to be a hairy, rubber bear costume. Other reports claimed it was just Robin Williams who got drunk and passed out in a freezer. (William Hale)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans. This time people are ready to evacuate the area as soon as possible, not so much for fear of the storm, but in case FEMA arrives in time. (Pedro Bartes)

Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans and the city police department is reportedly not prepared. Of course, the New Orleans cops are usually not even ready for partly cloudly. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

The MLB now has instant replay. The primary cause for review will be determination if a ball is a home run. Or, as the Washington Nationals like to say, “once in a blue moon.” (Alan Ray)

Major League umpires began using instant replay on home runs Thursday. Testing was inconclusive. The umpires saw a replay of Hillary Clinton’s convention speech three times and they couldn’t tell if her endorsement of Barack Obama was fair or foul. (Argus Hamilton)

NASCAR has placed Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards on probation for an on-track incident. What’s the technical term for drivers trying to injure each other due to road rage? Interstate 95. (Alan Ray)

With the Chicago Cubs in first place Cubs fans are trying to get used to the idea of the Cubs being in the playoffs. Some Cubs fans don’t get it. When told the Cubs could be playing in October, one Cub fan said; “How are the Cubs going to play football?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Shaquille O’Neal was served with a restraining order from rap singer Maryjane Friday claiming he stalked her after she broke up with him. Imagine the fear. You don’t want to be stalked by a guy who’s tall enough to look into a second-story window. (Argus Hamilton)

A Tajikistan boxer was disqualified after biting his opponent. However, he was immediately signed to a pro contract by Don King. (Jim Barach)

Charles Barkley is going to have a colonoscopy that will be televised. Doctors are hoping to answer the question of what ever happened to Dennis Rodman? (Jim Barach)

Charles Barkley is having a Colonoscopy. I don’t want to say he’s fat but apparently instead of a camera, doctors are putting an entire Network inside his ass. (Pedro Bartes)

A study says the riskiest sport for girls is cheerleading. The biggest threat is from the mothers of any girls they beat out to make the team. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

Michael Phelps will appear on the season debut of “Saturday Night Live.” Apparently, they are looking for a good swimmer to save a show that is drowning. (Pedro Bartes)

Warner Brothers is working on a new “Superman” movie. The plot is a little different, this time Clark Kent doesn’t need to get into his outfit, he’s just superman because he can survive with a reporter’s salary. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, What Bush Got Right. Newsweek says What Bush Got Right is the shortest cover story since Januarys issue on famous Korean rabbis. (Conan O’Brien)

Now I don’t want to say NBC is desperate to keep those Olympic ratings, but they just changed the name of their sitcom “My Name Is Earl” to “My Name is Michael Phelps.” (Alex Kaseberg)

CELEBRITIES

Actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have split up. They just couldn’t find a way to share their mirrors and hair spray equally. (Jake Novak)

Microsoft has tapped Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista . Jerry is the right person for that because Vista crashes as often as he crashes his cars. (Pedro Bartes)

Ricky Martin has become the father of twins. Apparently he used a surrogate mother with artificial insemination. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson became fathers the same way. Well, that should pretty much end those “Ricky Martin is gay” rumors. (Jim Barach)

The Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is renting for $26,000 per month… of course it comes with $35,000 worth of prescription drugs. (Jake Novak)

Jessica Simpson is promoting vitamin enhanced Stampede Beer. When asked what it was like to own a stake of a beer company, Simpson said that steak and beer go great together. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION

Support is mounting for the colleges that want the legal drinking age for students dropped to 18 from the present 21. Backers point out that students old enough to be brainwashed by loony left-wing professors are old enough to drink. (Scott Witt)

Harvard is the #1 ranked U.S. college in the annual U.S. News & World Report list. The ranking formula looks for the highest SAT scores, narrowest selectivity, and the lowest percentage of undergrads who can actually get laid. (Jake Novak)

One quarter of all teachers have voiced concerns about having hidden cameras posted around schools. Mostly because it really interferes with their dating life. (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

The Amish population has nearly doubled in the past 16 years. They don’t use cars or electricity. What else is there for them to do? (Jim Barach)

The Miss Sister Pageant, an online beauty pageant for nuns, was announced by an Italian priest Monday. It’s due to pressure from the Vatican legal department. Priests have to go to extraordinary lengths these days to prove that they’re straight. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon has voted to recognize gay marriage. Or as they call it, Men no longer straight like arrow weddings. (Jim Barach)

The 15th “Roach Derby” at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been won by a giant cockroach representing candidate John McCain. Cockroaches wanted McCain to win, they know that if he starts a nuclear war against Russia, cockroaches are the only ones that will survive. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The SEC has approved a plan that will allow U.S. companies to use international accoutning rules… which means every accountant in America will start taking six weeks off every summer. (Jake Novak)

The Wall Street journal reports more and more employees are creating problems, to solve them, in hopes of looking good to the boss. Of course, this only works if they can solve the problems created. Just ask Dick Cheney. (William Hale)

Toyota showcased its hydrogen-powered car at the Sandia Science and Technology Park in Albuquerque to show its safety. Hydrogen is highly flammable. They fired an armor-piercing bullet in the tank and when nothing exploded the car was deemed freeway safe for Los Angeles. (Comedian Argus Hamilton)

Mars Candy is raising their prices, following the lead of Hershey. They know that no matter how bad the economy gets, Americans will always find the money for chocolate. (Jim Barach)

Citigroup is cutting costs across the board. Expense accounts are being eliminated, outside meetings are being canceled, and to cut down on broken glass costs, all executives committing suicide are being asked to jump out of the same window. (Jake Novak)

POLLS & STUDIES

A survey says that one out of every three Americans are not up on current events. Unfortunately, the survey was taken at the White House. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

7 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-30-08

  1. I simply love to start my day with a laughter! 😀 😀

  2. Bon Jovi is a hard rock band from Sayreville, New Jersey. Fronted by lead singer and namesake Jon Bon Jovi, the group originally achieved large-scale success in the 1980s. Over the past 25 years, Bon Jovi has sold over 120 million albums worldwide, [1] including 34 million in the United States alone. [2]

    Bon Jovi formed in 1983 with lead singer Jon Bon Jovi, guitarist Richie Sambora, keyboardist David Bryan, bassist Alec John Such, and drummer Tico Torres. Other than the departure of Alec John Such in 1994 (which pared the lineup down to a quartet), the lineup has remained the same for the past 25 years. After two moderately successful albums in 1984 and 1985, the band scored big with Slippery When Wet (1986) and New Jersey (1988), which sold a combined 19 million copies in the U.S. alone, charted eight Top Ten hits (including four number one hits), and launched the band into global super stardom. After non-stop touring, the band went on hiatus after the New Jersey Tour in 1990, during which time Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora both released successful solo albums. In 1992, the band returned with the double platinum Keep the Faith and has since created a string of platinum albums throughout the 1990s and 2000s.

    In 2006, the band won a Grammy for best Country Collaboration for “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” with Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland and also became the first rock band to reach #1 on the Hot Country Songs chart with the same song. The band has also received multiple Grammy nominations for music from the albums Crush, Bounce, and Lost Highway.

    Throughout their career, the band has released ten studio albums, of which nine have gone platinum. In addition, the band has charted 19 singles to the Top 40 of the Billboard Hot 100, four of which reached #1 (“You Give Love a Bad Name”, “Livin’ on a Prayer”, “Bad Medicine”, and “I’ll Be There for You”). The band also holds the record for the most weeks for a hard rock album at #1 on the Billboard 200 with Slippery When Wet, as well as the most Top 10 singles from a hard rock album, with New Jersey, which charted five such singles.

  3. A thoroughly enjoyable one, as usual! Do you get copyrights for this?

  4. Kris, I have the permission from the original compiler, Stan Kegel, to post this newsletter.

  5. funny – i was about to ask the question “doc how do you find the time to compile this list regularly and how do you gather the info” when I see the last 2 comments 🙂

    hey doc – long time no see?

    Arun

  6. Hey, Arun! Nice to have you back. I didn’t know you were blogging again!

  7. Thanks doc but I actually never went away. There was a lull towards the end of last year but have been at it often enough then and of course much more often after that

    Arun

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