WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08

Warning: Mega Post!

Part 1: THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Barack Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year old first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. (PNN News)

John McCain’s vice president choice, Sarah Palin, is an avid hunter. Let’s see — a vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong there? (David Letterman)

Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do. (Jay Leno)

Democrats are bashing Sarah Palin’s speech because it was penned by one of President Bush’s speechwriters. Yeah but this time, he didn’t have to spell it out phonetically. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama was criticized by Republicans for the stage he used for his acceptance speech. it was modeled after an ancient Greek Temple. John McCain said “I knew Plato, and Barack Obama is no Plato.” (Jim Barach)

Today, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. They’re the organization of gay Republicans. McCain and the Log Cabin Republicans agree on one thing: They both want to distance themselves from Bush. (Craig Ferguson)

According to Fashion Magazines, Cindy McCain’s outfit at the GOP convention was worth almost $300,000. To be fair, Hillary once had a dress that was worth way more than that, actually, after getting stained. (Pedro Bartes)

People need not worry that Sarah Palin’s duties as vice president will conflict with her family obligations. The law covers such circumstances. Immediately after being sworn in, she can return to Alaska under the Family and Medical Leave Act. (Scott Witt)

And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She’s got a four-month-old of her own, she’s about to become a grandmother, and she’s partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Citing the success of the new Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series, Simon and Schuster today announced the publication of the new Horatio Alger, Jr. series. The initial book to be released November 5th is “From PTA President to Vice President of the United States in Four Years: An American Success Story” (Stan Kegel)

An early survey shows that only 39% of the people feel than John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin is qualified to be President. What’s sad about that is that only 29% feel that way about President Bush. (Jim Barach)

REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

The Republican Convention kicks off with a big mixer for Republicans in Sen. Craig’s airport restroom stall. It’s easy to spot — it was the one with the balloons hanging over it. (David Letterman)

This year, there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota.” (Conan O’Brien)

Obviously, they’re keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn’t have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men’s room. Either that or he locked himself in, I’m not sure. (Jimmy Kimmel)

To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Barack Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year old first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. (PNN News)

John McCain’s VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she’s ever seen. .” (Bill Maher)

Republican Convention underway. There’s a theme each night, and the theme for tonight’s convention is, “Who Is John McCain?” Tomorrow night’s theme is, “Who Forgot to Check if the Vice President’s Daughter Is Pregnant?” (Conan O’Brien)

Bristol Palin’s boyfriend, Levi Johnston, was at the Republican National Convention last night… disappointing Bill Clinton who was hoping to get together with him and compare notes. (Jake Novak)

The GOP convention continues. Republican spin doctors tout Sarah Palin’s credentials on the economy. As president of the Wasilla PTA, she ran the scrip program. (Alan Ray)

In her speech to the Republican Convention, John McCain’s vice presidential pick Sarah Palin ridiculed Barack Obama’s experience as a community organizer. To all those Americans out there volunteering in your communities, shame on you, slackers! Get a government job! (Patrick Gorse)

Sarah Palin promised parents of special needs children that they will have a friend in Washington… which makes sense since there’s been a special needs child in the White House for the last 7 1/2 years. (Jake Novak)

During her speech at the GOP convention, Laura Bush said that this is a time when we take off our Republican hats and put on our American hats. Delegates were disconcerted for a minute, until they realized that by American hats she meant those made in China. (Pedro Bartes)

In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop. (Jay Leno)

They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words. (Jay Leno)

No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain. (Jay Leno)

John McCain wowed the nation with his acceptance speech last night at the Republican National Convention… mostly by proving he can still stay up that late. (Jake Novak)

McCain urged Americans to “stand with him” as he fights for reform… Democrats say that comment was insensitive to people with disabilities. (Jake Novak)

John McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday. Like in the Olympics, the networks ran the word “live” in the corner of the screen, but in this case, it was to reassure Americans that McCain was still alive. (Pedro Bartes)

McCAIN & PALIN

John McCain has chosen youthful Sarah Palin as his running mate. The McCain campaign got the idea after seeing a re-run of “Punky Brewster.” (Jake Novak)

Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that’s who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can.

A lot of gossip centered around Sarah Palin, McCain’s controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who only has been running the state of Alaska for two years should fill out a ticket run by a 175-year-old man. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Palin and McCain are a good pair. She’s pro-life and he’s clinging to life. (Jay Leno)

I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on “we’re at war, it’s a dangerous world out there. The democrats don’t get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood- thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.” (Bill Maher)

Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate. (Argus Hamilton)

When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I’m not making this up, ‘What is it exactly that the VP does every day?’ Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That’s what the vice president does.” (Bill Maher)

Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama’s lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72 year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show. (Jon Stewart)

But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers. (David Letterman)

She’s not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she’s in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people; it’s for pregnant teenagers. (Conan O’Brien)

You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she’s also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I’ll say this for her daughter’s boyfriend: the kid’s got guts. (David Letterman)

Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she’s a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she’s in favor of shotgun weddings. (Conan O’Brien)

Not only is she young, they’re saying she’s the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Alaska Gov. Sarah Pallin is John McCain’s choice. Here’s what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn’t want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

if Sarah Palin was thrown out of office the same time as Putin the headline would read: “Palin Putin out!” (John Pierce)

John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. The family said, “We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.” (Conan O’Brien)

By the way, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie. (David Letterman)

Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the family says the young man will marry her. His name is Levi Johnston. They found his MySpace page which was pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out he’s an “F-ing redneck” . .. and another quote from him was, “I don’t want kids.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Republican leaders are reminding everyone that Sarah Palin and her family are from a small town, with small-town values… where there’s really nothing else to do but get pregnant. (Jake Novak)

There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife. (Jon Stewart)

The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes. (Bill Maher)

Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out? (Bill Maher)

John McCain defied conventional wisdom by picking Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Everyone is getting to know her. As soon as the press reported that her favorite food was moose, Rocky and Bullwinkle endorsed Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

Political analysts believe that the fact the Sarah Palin admitted that her teen daughter was pregnant after having premarital sex, has paid off for the Republicans. Fortunately, they didn’t go with the other idea someone suggested: to say the daughter was pregnant after seating on a stall at the Minneapolis Airport. (Pedro Bartes)

Coming out on the offensive after a day of controversy, presumptive GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that the media was to blame for making her daughter Bristol pregnant. (Andy Borowitz)

Even the Democrats were impressed with Sarah Palin’s speech. In fact, John Edwards offered to discuss her speech with her over a late dinner at a quiet little Italian place he knows. (Alex Kaseberg)

You had to feel sorry for President Bush at this Republican convention; he’s like the really drunk and crazy Uncle at the family reunion everybody is trying to ignore. “Don’t look now, but Uncle W. just took his pants off.” (Alex Kaseberg)

It was awkward when journalists wrote about President Bush speaking to the convention via satellite, Bush said; “I weren’t up in no satellite, I was in the White House, boy.” (Alex Kaseberg)

OBAMA & BADIN

Barack Obama attempted a workman-like speech in Denver to play down his Messiah image. It was against type. Bookies posted even odds Barack Obama would ride into the stadium on an ass, but at the last second Jesse Jackson came down with back spasms. (Argus Hamilton)

It’s being reported that if elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? She may demand a recount and declare herself the winner. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama is on the campaign trail. Secret service agents have a tough time keeping their candidate away from adoring mobs. That press pool is hard to control. (Alan Ray)

THE CAMPAIGNS

Who knew the Republican Rednecks would control the party? Suddenly, the Democrats’ dream is to arrange a hunting trip for Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney. (Joe Hickman)

Sarah Palin, McCain’s choice for vice president, was Miss Alaska runner up in 1984. That gives everybody a clear idea of what her foreign policy vision will be: World peace… Political analysts give Sarah Palin no chances in a debate against Joe Biden due to her lack of experience in foreign affairs. That could be true, but wait until we get to the swimsuit portion of the event. (Pedro Bartes)

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) used the announcement of his vice-presidential pick, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, to blast the experience of his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), arguing that Sen. Obama has never been the mayor of a 5,000-person town. (Andy Borowitz)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The Republican National Convention is being held this week in St. Paul, Minnesota. When told that the convention is in the Twin Cities, President Bush said he wanted to take Barbara and Jenna along so they could make friends with lots of other twins. (Jim Barach)

John McCain chose Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate. George W. Bush was very upset when he heard this. He said, “Alaska? Why couldn’t you pick somebody from the United States?” (Jay Leno)

Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Which Bush calls live via magic. (Conan O’Brien)

Part 2: THE REST OF THE NEWS

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing too much on Sarah Palin’s family and not enough on her views. Paris Hilton recently detailed the best energy plan by far. Who’d have ever thought our nation’s best think tank is Beverly Hills AA. (Argus Hamilton)

No one can question the success of the Bush Administration trickle down program. Granting huge tax breaks to the very rich and the most powerful corporations has resulted in millions of new jobs. All the new jobs are located in China, India and South Korea. (Stan Kegel)

On John Edwards: You know some presidents who had extramarital affairs? Kennedy, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, Jefferson. You want to know a president who never had an affair: George W. Bush. That fact alone ought to make you want to elect Ron Jeremy.(Bill Moher)

John Edwards raised his speaking fee to sixty-five thousand dollars on Friday. It’s a seller’s market. Any guy who can get his wife to help him cover up an affair and then get a married friend to claim the paternity of the love child is worth every penny. (Argus Hamilton)

Citing the success of the new Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series, Simon and Schuster today announced the publication of the new Horatio Alger, Jr. series. The initial book to be released November 5th is “From PTA President to Vice President of the United States in Four Years: An American Success Story” (Stan Kegel)

According to current estimates American men spend an average of $13.7 million a day in prostitutes. The average is expected to increase dramatically as soon as they include the Democratic and Republican Conventions. (Pedro Bartes)

A big, fat “DUH!” goes to the Global Crossing company for advertising their “fast, secure, seamless global network,” in New Media Age magazine, by claiming that it “transmits data at speeds that practically break the sound barrier.” This would mean that a data packet going from London to New York would take about 4 1/2 hours to be delivered. We are not impressed. (New Scientist Magazine)

HURRICANE GUSTAV

There seems to be more coverage of Hurricane Gustav than the convention. Both very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere… the other’s Hurricane Gustav. (Craig Ferguson)

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is urging evacuated residents not to return to their homes yet, because the situation is still dangerous. It won’t truly be safe until all the feuding MSNBC anchors finally leave town. (Jake Novak)

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin said that residents should not return to the city until it is repaired from the effects of Hurricane Gustav. It’ll take a while; first we need to repair the city from the effects of Katrina. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Hurricane Center says a new disturbance, Hurricane Hanna is moving towards landfall. I don’t think President Bush understands about Hurricane Hanna. He said, “I hope the people of Montana are prepared.” (Patrick Gorse)

Hurricane Gustav was expected to hit hard but it became weak and missed its mark, as a result they’ve renamed it tropical storm New York Yankees. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE DEMOCRATS

Reverend Jesse Jackson is being treated at a Chicago hospital after experiencing severe stomach pain. He wasn’t the only one; there were tons of Democrats that experienced the same symptoms after hearing Sara Palin’s speech. (Pedro Bartes)

The Democratic National Convention gave a boost to Denver merchants. Especially the ones selling religious figurines of Barack Obama. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton gave the Democrats’ weekly radio address Saturday. She didn’t seem upset that the Republicans have a woman on the ticket and the Democrats excluded her. Every ten years she gets humiliated in front of God and everybody and she’s adjusted to it. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton was rumored in Denver Thursday to have been promised a Supreme Court seat for supporting Barack Obama. It’s grim news. If true, the highest court in the land is sure to ratify the generally accepted belief that oral sex is adultery. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Thousands flocked to Minneapolis yesterday to rally for breakaway presidential candidate Ron Paul. There were so many people there, the tin foil hat concessions sold out in less than 15 minutes. (Jake Novak)

LOCAL NEWS

The first terrorism museum in the U.S. has opened in Denver. It’s a movie theater that only plays Pauly Shore and Kevin Costner films. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Crooked lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been sentenced to 48 months in prison. Now is when those bribery skills he’s cultivated over the years will really kick in! (Jake Novak)

Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges. … Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve out his full term as Mayor of Detroit. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Oil prices tumbled to below $111 a barrel Monday. Economist believe the price might go up again as soon as speculators find out that the drilling going on in Alaska is not on the surface of the state but in Sarah Palin’s family. (Pedro Bartes)

Well here’s some good news: the price of oil appears to be dropping. Energy analysts said $100 barrel of oil is on the horizon. To which President Bush said, “That’s where we should be drilling for oil: on the horizon.” (Jay Leno)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexicans will soon have the ability to use their cell phones to pay at stores or when taking a taxi. In fact, they will also be able to pay the “coyote” sneaking them across the border right form the trunk of the car. (Jim Barach)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russia’s state news agency, RIA Novosti, announced that on Sunday Vladimir Putin saved a camera crew from an escaped Tiger. Official news is ridiculous. It is like some news channel in the US saying we’re not in the middle of an economic recession… oh, wait…. (Pedro Bartes)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iraq is planning on building a Ferris Wheel in downtown Baghdad that will reach 650 feet high. Who says democracy hasn’t been worth the war effort? (Jim Barach)

There’s a report the president of Iran may be replaced. It was one year ago he said there were no gays in Iran. They gave him a year to correct the situation. He failed — so he’s out. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says those without health insurance will pay $30 Billion out of pocket for health care this year while receiving another $56 Billion in free care. Of course, those were just Wal-Mart employees. (Jim Barach)

A new study proves that childhood measles vaccines do not lead to autism in children. But the vaccine does continue to cause mental defects in adults opposed to vaccinations. (Jake Novak)

A study says that nearly one in every eight American Indian deaths are alcohol related. That should put to rest any question as to whether they have assimilated into mainstream American society. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Heavily favored Tennessee was stunned by UCLA last night in 27-24 overtime loss. Tennessee’s coaches blasted the players, saying if they’re going to perform this badly they might as well let them go to class. (Jake Novak)

The NFL season begins. The New York Jets offensive line may not be able to help Brett Farve. He has less protection than a member of the Palin family.

Division races tighten in the MLB. The slump of the New York Yankees can be attributed to pitching. Their staff has fewer strikes than Barack Obama at a bowl-a-thon. (Alan Ray)

Charles Barkley announced Tuesday he will have a routine colonoscopy and have the procedure videotaped and televised. Apparently, Fox Network was looking for a classy show to launch its new season. (Pedro Bartes)

Tiger Woods stars in a new PlayStation golf game released Friday. He was very annoyed because it shows him walking across water to find his golf ball and holing out his shot from the water. He is sick and tired of being confused with Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has legally changed his name to “Ocho Cinco” to reflect his jersey number 85. Football analysts say he should have changed names long ago. Not from “Chad Johnson”. From “Cincinnati Bengals”. (Jim Barach)

Ticket prices at the new Yankee Stadium opening next year will not be cheap. Outfield seats will go for $100 each with seats behind home plate costing as much as $2500. But beer will still sell for the traditional Yankee price of $30 a cup. The Yankees are sticking to their promise that a family of four can still go to a game for under $12,000. (Jim Barach)

Hawaii beat Mexico top take the Little League World Series last week in Pennsylvania. After winning the final game 12-3, the Hawaiian team celebrated at the mound, while the Mexican players and their 400 relatives who came to watch just left and haven’t been seen since. (Jim Barach)

The answer: Denny’s, 7-eleven and the Dodgers’ Jonathan Broxton
The question: What are things that don’t close? (Jeff Calzada)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The New York Post and the New York Daily News were camped out in Alaska Monday gathering every bit of gossip about Sarah Palin they can find. There’s so much to cover. Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie and no one in New York would hear about it for eight years. (Argus Hamilton)

Republicans are saying that every network, with the exception of Fox is being sexist. The Fox Female reporter agreed, then giggled, unbuttoned her blouse, crossed her legs a couple of times and went on reading the news. (Pedro Bartes)

CNN host, Wolf Blitzer, called Sarah Palin’s speech at the GOP convention a “Grand Slam.” Close friends claimed he felt otherwise, but when he heard Palin advocates the shooting of wolves from planes in Alaska, he didn’t dare criticize her. (Pedro Bartes)

Michael Moore has a new book out about the election. The filmmaker, author, speaker, advocate certainly has a lot on his plate. And that’s just at the buffet. (Alan Ray)

Michael Moore plans to allow free online viewings of his forthcoming propaganda film, “Slacker Uprising.” If it’s as responsible as his last film, viewers will get what they paid for. (Scott Witt)

CELEBRITIES

O.J. Simpson ripped reporters Thursday for revealing he was knocked to the ground by his daughter. He said it must be a slow news day. The first sign that you may be smoking too much pot is when the first black man in history gets nominated for president, a hurricane is reported heading for New Orleans, U.S. warships are headed for a Black Sea port seized by the Russians, and you think it’s a slow news day. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Jackson turned 50 last week. He’s technically a senior citizen. He’ll be saying, “You kids get onto my lawn.” (Craig Ferguson)

Michael Jackson is celebrating his 50th birthday. He says he just wants to provide a normal life for his children. Now that Neverland is being foreclosed and he is in danger of squandering his fortune, he may finally be able to do it. (Jim Barach)

Michael Jackson went on a couple of dates with Pamela Anderson. Together they have more rubber than Goodyear. (Pedro Bartes)

High gas prices are forcing P Diddy to park his private jet and fly commercial. He says a New York to Los Angeles flight was costing him $200,000. It still costs that much to fly commercial, but only if he wants a bottle of water and a blanket on the flight. (Jim Barach)

Rap music mogul Sean Combs said Tuesday that jet fuel is so expensive he’s had to ground his private jet and fly commercial. More and more celebrities are having to fly commercial. Mackenzie Phillips could give him some good tips on what not to pack. (Argus Hamilton)

Actor David Duchovney is undergoing rehabilitation treatment for sex addiction. Bill Clinton used to suffer from sex addiction, but he found someone who helped him lick it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, is pregnant for a second time. Although not playing golf, Tiger has been apparently working on his stroke. (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

Chicago school students skipped the first day of class to protest overcrowded classrooms and outdated textbooks. It won’t be a problem for long. If they hang onto those Social Studies books, the Soviet Union will be back and they’ll be right again. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, “Hey lady, I don’t deal with oil companies. That’s more Satan’s area.” (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Police in Ocala, Florida, say a father has been charged with lewd and lascivious battery after arranging sexual intercourse for his 15-year-old son. Apparently the father dropped his son at school to take private lessons with the kid’s high school teacher. (Pedro Bartes)

Planned Parenthood set up a booth in the Democratic convention lobby Wednesday night to give out free condoms. Trojan condoms also had a huge booth in the lobby. Who says Democrats don’t know how to protect Americans from biological weapons? (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Sony is going to produce the thinnest LCD TV yet. The screens will only be 10 mm thick. The sets were made to accommodate today’s network lineup of shallow programming. (Jim Barach)

A company has made a solar powered vibrator. This could result in the first time any woman has said; “Please move, you’re standing in my orgasm.” (Alex Kaseberg)

America’s Research Group said Monday that traditional back-to-school clothing sales were a bust for retailers last week. The back-to-school sales are bound to pick up after the GOP convention. All the girls are going to need maternity clothes. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

This Labor Day looks like any other day, tons of TV ads with mega offers that require no payments, no interests, with sales guys wearing weird suits, offering me the world for almost no money, and… oh, never mind, it is the GOP convention. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel