WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A

WordPress Editor’s knot: This here Rambodoc artickle do not meet out usual hi standards. We has decided to spike it, but owing to political pressure (the Indian Govt screamed ‘discrimination’ and threatened to throw a nuke on Sri Lanka to avenge their loss in a recent cricket Test series) and the fact that we have nothing new to offer, we have decided to say ‘screw u’ to u and ur good taste. We has made, like, some grammur corrections to make it easy for u to read. Hear it is: njoy!
Signed: Ed. Wall Mickey.

Given my pro-American philosophical, political, economic and one-night stands, many people ask me why I do not move to the US or did not do so back when my testosterone levels started surging. I am too polite and modest to tell them that my testosterone surge is a permanent state of body and mind, like a Floyd Landis. The only difference is that he cycles on crack, I crack in cycles. PJs apart, however, there are significant reasons why I have not migrated to the US of A:
1. Damaging attitude of people: People with the names of Katrina, Ike, Hanna, among others, suddenly create damage to towns. Apparently they create giant winds and flood the streets with some secret apparatus, like a secret Right-wing Pee Society. Note that they don’t ever have last names. Except Sarah, aka Hurricane Palin. People like these could one day even run for President, so who wants to live in a country like that? It is far safer to be ruled by illiterate educated, insane sober, mindless wise, casteist balanced, evil objective and corrupt clean politicians like Mayawati, or ideologically crackpot pure Chinese stooges Indian patriots like Mr. Karat.
(I thought Sarah Palin was a Cosmo cover model- Ed.)

2. A minority President of the USA: Americans have learnded from India how to give power to their minorities. All of us knowed this for years. So far, they was free from this minor heart disease. Now they may have a Black as President. This is not bad in itself, of course, given that many of our own (Indian) fair leaders have been black, and I am not talking skin color here. They may have a closet Socialist as President: someone who wants to tax the shit out of me! Next thing, he will be taxing memories and excess baggage (like if you weigh over a BMI of 40, you pay 1 percent extra income tax per unit increase in BMI), too.
What if he started taxing you on your relationships? I mean, like: a) if your relationship enters the unforgivable American long term (six months) you pay a 1 percent cess from your income, and this keeps increasing arithematically every year till you are broke, or b) If you enter another relationship, which the Department of Homeland Insecurity registers as your fifth, there’d be a 5% cess on your income tax, plus the alimony you would have paid your ex-wives.
I don’t think I would do well in that kind of environment, you know!
(Such crap, but what can I do?-Ed.)

3. A Minority President of the USA (part two): If a future President is an economist, we would be in even more danger. Imagine what-all madcap theories would be tested to create equality between men and women, men and men, men and animals (women would say there already is such equality), women and animals (some men would say animals are superior). Politically correct, economically and socially disastrous. In the end, the country created could be called IndUS.
In case a female is voted or selected as President, I demand that the Black Box codes be locked off every mid-cycle (menstrual, not a Hero cycle) from her. The Codes could reside with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he or she would probably forget the box in the toilet. Next thing you know, a guy like Larry Craig picks it up the next time he wants to adopt a wide stance in public. Who knows what could happen next: nuclear ransom for sex?
If Saracudda become President, the Box coulda been sent off to India, where the code activation and launch could happen at the first ring of the telephone. This could be India’s major first contribution to nuclear non-proliferation.
(Some blogs could be banned, like this one should-Ed.)

4. A minority President of the USA (teesra bhag): If a Jindal or Shah or Singh became POTUS, imagine the crisis: bhangra as the national dance, free visas for Indians, freedom to spit and pee by the highways, and right for Jersey cows to graze and crap at the same time as an immigrant Greek Bhaiya called Neo Lactophilos milks the udders, which squirt pure ghee. Another set of cows would produce lassi, and the cows on diets would produce chhaas. Edison cloned across the US, think of it (author goes to toilet to vomit, feet in narrow stance, and falls down. Craig is innocent?!)!
(Who’s Craig? I heard of Bill Clinton n M’knicker Chewinsky or somthn’- Ed.)
5. Large swathes of Americans get addicted to sex: I am worried if a few females there get addicted to me (don’t miss how classy I was to avoid the temptation of a pun on the ‘addict’ word), I might get into Miss Fortune again and again. Instead, if a few guys feel that way about me, I would get a bit behind in my carear.
(What is this guy, only nuts?- Ed.)

6. I get shit scared of politicians who appeal to religion or invoke God as the sheet anchor of one’s moral premises. In the name of God, can we avoid religion altogether from poly tricks? I would never migrate to a country where God guides policy making. At my neck of the woods, it is usually money or votes which do so, and this is more familiar.

Now, you tell me more reasons you/I should sit back in India!
(Thank God, it’s over, now I gotta front page it, they say!- Ed.)

42 responses to “WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A

  1. I was expecting the addicted pun! I felt disappointed when I read about your choice to act classy… though I guess you redeemed yourself with carear.

  2. Heavy satire, huh! πŸ™‚

    Since America is a land of Christians, let he, who is without sin, cast the first stone and we can be sure 1 B+ desis won’t certainly be up the this task πŸ˜‰

  3. DD:
    As I say, “Class is temporary, Ass is permanent!”
    Shefaly:
    You will one day be cast in stone, mock my words!

  4. πŸ™‚ US of A is a danger zone- frequent plots to kill presidents cause a lot of ‘collateral damage’, and aliens attack the people every now and then. And you being a teenager, you have the risk of running into a haunted house on a weekend.
    You are better off in India.

  5. Very heavy satire!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ loved the editor part πŸ™‚

  6. I von’t live in the US of Assinine because aliens land in their backyards. Never in Muniamma’s courtyard in Devanhalli Dishtickt.

    And because I’ll be egsplaining till the cows come home, vy I speak the English So Vell.

  7. Intense! And hilarious as usual!

  8. Dark and Deep Hilarity Doc! Chewinsky – I was laughing out loud for this !

  9. IndUS. I liked that. Now that the nuclear deal is through I am sure the Left will try to get some Right ideas and demand that our country change its name.

  10. This was super funny!
    Indians who stay in India rule πŸ˜€

  11. Top tanks to all of you who commented, including our beloved Refried Beans, which went very well with the Coconut Chutney.
    Please accept my witty brevity, which is better than me being brave/witty.


  12. (I did not understand the post, but being an editor here is tough and unforgiving… Front page mention to u – Ed)

    Sorry, the goofy editor sneaked up behind me and hijacked my keyboard and typed something… Maybe it’s meant for you…
    Here’re a few more reasons why you should remain in India:
    1. You can pee on the streets here.
    2. You can fart in public here and not bother with “Excuse me”s or “Fuck you”s.
    3. You can shit on the roads here.
    4. We do not waste paper by wiping our butts with it. We waste water instead.
    5. We are a country founded by one man’s hunger. (Pity sponges)
    6. We do not get single cigarettes in the USA. We have to buy a whole pack.
    7. We can’t get pirated movies there.
    8. US of A can also mean Underestimate the Strength of Assholes. Maybe that’s how they got themselves into the whole Bush-Pussy mess.

    Thanks for dropping into MirrorCracked earlier! Rolling your blog… πŸ˜€

  13. *Now, you tell me more reasons you/I should s(h)it back in India!

    Covered by Nikhil’s 1-2-3-4. πŸ˜€

    Nikhil coz. of spicy food we eat here, using water has become necessary or else paper might catch fire… πŸ˜‰

  14. I thinked you writed well. I think India is betterest because we have (1) more damaging attitude of female peoples – check out that wild and wet chick, kosi (2) we have minority and majority poly tickos who are raring to take us in the rear (they make a carrear of it!) (3) we have more tax and more sax than those Umrikans….we have 100 crore people, no? That meanded more sax.

    So, by logic of nutsell, it is gooder to live in India.

    You dammit Ed, if you touching my privates comment, I doing you bamboo. OK?

    Tata.

    Quirky Indian
    http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com

  15. R-Doc:

    “You will one day be cast in stone, mock my words!”

    Sounds like the sage Gautama cursing shef-Ahalya. I suppose a depetrificant “Ram”-beau-dock (the t’sterone surge having ebbEd) will come along in due course. πŸ™‚

  16. Vivek:
    Kewl comment, as my generation says!
    Nikhil:
    Welcome to this blog. As this is your first comment and visit here, I will spare you a long lecture on avoiding bad language, including words depicting bodily functions that are of questionable esthetic value.
    And on top of that, you are declaring that you are ‘rolling your log’…!!
    Shameless….No wonder your mirror cracks when it looks at you! But, as a modern broad-minded Indian, all I will tell you in response is “Roll, baby, roll!”
    Anshul:
    Shame on you too for such dirty language used.
    QI:
    Kewl comment, dude!
    Newer readers, please note that I do not generally use smilies, unless I am having diarrhea on a given day.

  17. Oh, trust me, rolling it is better than snorting or chasing… πŸ˜€

  18. Nikhil, you mean you haven’t rolled rdoc yet?? tch tch.

  19. R-doc:

    //…as my generation says…//

    Do you mean Gen-ex, Gen-next, or simply Gen-set [a basic necessity of life in Kolkata again, I learn]?

    //…I do not generally use smilies, unless I am having diarrhea…//

    So are similes the “outcome” of the ailment, or ORT, or expost(erior)ulations against those in enviably good health?

  20. Well, Doc, one good reason for you not to live in the USA is that who am I going to visit in India when I have to flee America after this election?

  21. You guys, all of you… who agree to Rambodoc… I would kill all of you to go to the USA and to be with my… lova!

  22. Nikhil:
    Obviously, ‘log’ means different things to you and me.
    Nita:
    We rolled yesterday Jab We Met.
    Vivek:
    As others may not understand your profound comment, I am translating ORT: Oral Retaliation Types. He comes from a distinguished tribe of writers who find the act of repartee as effortless and effective as the various acts which my erst-vile commentators described.
    Paul:
    You are taking this election too seriously. Nothing will change for you, trust me.
    Kris:
    Ditto…. Insure yourself against heartbreak. Remember what your neighbor’s mother must have told her a hundred times: “NEVER trust men! They are all after one thing…

  23. “NEVER trust men! They are all after one thing…”

    I assure you, it is more than one… πŸ˜‰

  24. RamboDoc:

    I think you have identified your age+generation by using the dreaded “kewl comment, dude!” And by the far more eeyoowwwwww “female”.

    (quote ‘I am worried if a few females there get addicted to me (don’t miss how clas…’).

    Therefore: I hereby reserve the right to address youvargoodself as RamboUngle

  25. πŸ˜‰
    Why dont u stand for elections ??
    Id certainly say In Doc we trust !

    I wonder what gives u the inspiration for this post and most other such posts day after day after day ???

  26. The Humerus news page tickled my funny bone!

  27. secret confession: I’d live in the US any day. Vell, for 6 months at a stretch. They open doors for me there.

    Ungle, you know I said the abovementioned comment above with phull love-u, no?!

  28. Beano:
    Another crack of that U word, and I will block your entry into this blog. You choose! Love or no, I have to draw a line or take a U-turn! Try the Bro word.
    Preeti:
    Welcome!
    Prax:
    The inspiration is everywhere. It is the time that is not as easily available.

  29. Doc:

    Ugh!

    Now which U word would that be? The four-letter ones that immediately come to mind are Ugly and Uric.

  30. this should be cakewalk to a person who writes about
    Modified Technique of Laparoscopic Intraperitoneal Hernioplasty for Irreducible Scrotal Hernias.

    πŸ˜€

  31. As if your post wasnt humorous enough, the comments make it wayy more delightful

  32. Prax,

    Are you trying to put us off cake?

  33. vivek πŸ˜‰

    well is it that easy ? nyways India is soon becoming worlds diabetes capital…
    maybe i should have mailed doc the last comment i posted

  34. Aaaaaaaah! Vivekji, the word is

    U
    S

    of

    A

  35. It’s aksherly Ung…

    l…..

    πŸ˜€

  36. QI:
    Your comment, which I missed responding to, reminds me of a pathology/biochemistry report I often used to see when I was in Government Medical College: QI= Quantity Insufficient.
    Beanboy:
    Thanks for your restraint.
    Prax, Priyank:
    Thanks.

  37. R-doc, USA is wonderful in many ways, but things are as you described, although not everywhere. Good and bad all mixed up. Like everywhere else, I suppose. Unless you really, really want to get away from your family and friends network/support system, there would be no reason to move here. Although you have skills in demand here, perhaps best to just visit!
    OTOH, I can see you doing well in a cosmopolitan milieu, with good food, arts, a hetergenous mixture of cultures, etc.

  38. Pingback: WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A « Pizzarebbe’s Weblog

  39. Jackie:
    So serious and factual!? No comments re Sarah Palin?

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