WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-13-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There is some good news for John McCain: According to the latest polls, McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by 10 points; CBS news poll has the two tied; and the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week. (Conan O’Brien)

As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day? (Sarah Palin)

The role of the vice president is to break ties in the Senate and inquire daily into the health of the president. (John McCain)

A Rasmussen poll shows that Sarah Palin is more popular than both Barack Obama and John McCain. It just shows that in politics, the less they know about someone the better. (Jim Barach)

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The campaign is coming down to one important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. (Jay Leno)

Google is 10 years old today. For a whole decade Google has been helping you find old friends, get good prices, and in some cases, get vice presidential running mates. (Craig Ferguson)

A study says that a wandering eye could be caused by genetics. In other words, having the wrong genes can result in always trying to get in someone else’s jeans. (Jim Barach)

One of McCain’s ads casts Obama as “the one,” implying he thinks he’s the Messiah. Well, good, maybe he can raise McCain from the dead. (Bill Maher)

Aides to President Bush are reportedly tutoring Sarah Palin on foreign policy. After just two days of training, she has already declared war on Russia and Iran. (Jim Barach)

There’s a new Sarah Palin doll out. It’s ready to take over when your John McCain doll breaks. (Wacky Week)

The Oakland Raiders got thoroughly spanked in their home opener 41-14 by the Denver Broncos. Which leads to the question, what do the Raiders and marijuana have in common? They both get smoked… repeatedly! (William Hale)

McCAIN & PALIN

People are still praising Sarah Palin’s speech at the GOP convention. That tells you how bad the state of our education system is that people are still mesmerized because somebody knew how to read. (Pedro Bartes)

Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she’s a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she’s in favor of shotgun weddings. (Conan O’Brien)

This isn’t a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF. (Bill Maher)

Sarah Palin has done a decent job in her interview on TV; she has great presence on stage. Fortunately for her, this presidential election, like beauty pageants, doesn’t have a talent portion anymore. (Pedro Bartes)

And I will tell you, nation, I am sick and tired of people saying Sarah Palin is inexperienced. It is sexism, pure and simple. Her enemies wouldn’t be saying this if she was a man like Frank Matheny. Oh, you don’t know Frank? He’s the mayor of Boot Hill, Montana; population: 7,500. In about 20 months, he’s going to make a great vice president. (Stephen Colbert)

John McCain said that under the Democratic healthcare plan, bureaucrats would stand between you and your doctor. As opposed to the Republican healthcare plan where an accountant would stand between you and your doctor. (Jay Leno)

She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia. (Steve Doocy, Fox News): When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.” (Jon Stewart)

GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was “delighted” with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her “trusty Magic 8-Ball” for helping her come up with answers to “some darn tricky questions.” Gov. Palin said she was “pleased as punch” by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia. When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, “My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God.” (Andy Borowitz)

They say John McCain’s biggest challenge is trying to convince people that he’s not George W. Bush. Just the fact that he went to Vietnam shows he’s not George W. Bush. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is promising to put Democrats in his cabinet… it’s good to have them around to take all the blame when things go wrong. (Jake Novak)

It was a wet rainy day in New York City today — also today, John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many umbrellas he owns. (David Letterman)

John McCain said Sunday that he’d pay only one dollar per year to future members of his cabinet. The possible candidates’ names have been leaked already: Jose, Juan, Jesus… (Pedro Bartes)

McCain said Thursday he admires mayors because he’s divorced from the day-to-day challenges of everyday Americans while in Washington, D.C. Right after that comment, Former Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, texted McCain saying: “I’ll be divorced too.” (Pedro Bartes)

The New York Times on Monday put to rest rumors that Sarah Palin’s baby is really her grandchild. Her family is under relentless investigation. The only way to keep Sarah Palin’s baby out of the news is to leak that John Edwards is the father. (Argus Hamilton)

A Sarah Palin action figure came out today. They’re working on a John McCain one, too. The best part is, you can change his diaper. (Craig Ferguson)

There are only 56 days until the election. I saw that they’re selling Sarah Palin action figures. Sad incident at Toys R Us today — a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Herobuilders.com has issued a Sarah Palin doll. The site is also marketing a Bristol Palin doll. EPT kit sold separately. (Alan Ray)

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she’s the right person to boost an ill economy. She said there’s no reason for the U.S. to have a bear market when you can just take a shotgun into the woods and kill them for free. (Pedro Bartes)

Political analysts started to say that John McCain is running his campaign hiding behind Sarah Palin’s skirt. An advantage that Obama will never have with Hillary Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don’t think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin was cheered by Wisconsin voters as a fellow hunter Friday. Hunting is wildly popular. The typical home in Alaska has the head of a moose mounted on the wall, while in Los Angeles the typical home has the head of a rude freeway driver. (Argus Hamilton)

Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama’s fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it. (Jay Leno)

Well, it’s a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican. (Jay Leno)

Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, “Hey, if I didn’t look into her background, there’s no reason you should be looking into her background.” (Jay Leno)

Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, “Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!” There is no room for that kind of talk. (Jay Leno)

McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said,”‘I’m not running for president because I think I’m blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I’m running because my wife wants another house.” (Bill Maher)

John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go. (David Letterman)

Actually, some Republicans are not that thrilled with the (McCain) speech. In fact, the rumor is Sarah Palin is thinking of dropping him from the ticket. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin’s dual Catholic and Protestant baptisms were unearthed Thursday as the media dug into her infancy. Reporters are crawling over Alaska’s tundra with magnifying glasses looking for anything. If O.J. Simpson had been investigated this thoroughly his lawyers would be arguing today that lethal injection’s too good for him. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama walked with his kids on Monday to their first day of school. John McCain, meantime, has told his great-great-grandkids to stop asking about his will. (Wacky Week)

OBAMA & BADIN

All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody’s very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they’ll gladly accept change. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it’s not true. In fact his exact words were “I did not have textual relations with that woman.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama promised Ohio voters Tuesday that he’ll double charter school funding. He also promised to pay teachers for their performance and replace teachers who are no good. Students want to know what he is going to do about teachers who snore in bed. (Argus Hamilton)

This is sweet — Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their first Social Security checks. (Conan O’Brien)

They’re saying that Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. But don’t worry. He has a plan. He’s going to go back to campaigning in Europe. (David Letterman)

According to a new international poll, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next president. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of anti-war voters as well as Canada’s black guy. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama said Sarah Palin pretends to be against earmarks when she lobbied for them and John McCain pretends to be against lobbyists when they run his campaign. That’s politics. Barack Obama pretends to be black and Joe Biden pretends to have hair. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama says that John McCain making fun of his “lipstick” comment is nothing more than playground insults. McCain says that Obama is off his teeter-totter. (Wacky Week)

Barack Obama was campaigning in Virginia yesterday, and he accused John McCain of pretending to offer change. To illustrate this, he said, “You can put lipstick on a pig… it’s still a pig.” McCain says Obama should retract the statement… but what if you did put lipstick on a pig? Would it really still be a pig? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” To which Bill Clinton, said, “You know, I’ve tried that, and you’re right.” (Jay Leno)

McCain is demanding an apology. Two U.S. senators arguing over lipstick — and neither one of them is Larry Craig. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama told Scranton Friday that global warming was dangerously real and will increase mosquito-borne diseases. Some are deadly. West Nile virus causes apathy and inattentiveness, in other words it’s virtually undetectable in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama has said you can put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig. Republicans then said, Did you call Sarah Palin a pig? And Democrats said, It’s a pig’s right to wear lipstick… (Craig Ferguson)

Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin. He said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” Political experts say if he keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama was tied up by Rudy Giuliani then beaten by Sarah Palin Wednesday, then the next day he was questioned by Bill O’Reilly on Fox News. This is all backwards. As Moses he’s supposed to lead his people out of bondage, not back to the bondage parlor. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush called the remarks outrageous; Cheney called them over the line; and Joe Lieberman said they’re not kosher. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama mocked the notion that John McCain and Sarah Palin were agents of change Saturday. It got Hollywood’s attention. As soon as people hear that somebody has changed agents, they immediately want to know which agency is signing new clients. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is on the stump. The Democratic nominee is trying to refute his image as a cultural elitist. He will hold a pep rally today at New York City’s Museum of Modern Art. (Alan Ray)

Joe Biden is criticizing Republicans for not supporting vital medical studies like stem cell research. He later retracted those comments when he learned that the GOP does not oppose hair plug research. (Jake Novak)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton will stump for Barack Obama. The former president plans to make over 75 campaign stops in the next 54 days. At least that’s what he’s telling Hillary. (Alan Ray)

Now, here’s something exciting. This is a hot insider political gossip. Tomorrow, as a matter of fact, former president Bill Clintonl, he’s going to be having lunch right here in New York City with Barack Obama. That’s tomorrow. At least, that is what Bill is telling Hillary. (David Letterman)

John Edwards announced that in order not to be a distraction, he is canceling all public appearances until the election is over. However, Edwards said he will continue to make all of his private appearances. (Conan O’Brien)

Bill and Hillary Clinton got a standing ovation when they were recognized from the Broadway stage Sunday at the musical Hair. What a treat for the crowd. And what a coincidence that they would have bought tickets to the same show on the same night. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Of course, Redneck Republicans don’t want an elitist candidate who can think. That’s why they like McCain and Palin. just down to earth good old homies who can follow in the bootsteps of Gee W. Heck-fire, he got elected twice without even thinking once. Yessirree Bob, a mind is a terrible thing to use. (Joe Hickman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Controversy on MTV last night: Russell Brand, on the VMA Awards, referred to President Bush as a “retarded cowboy.” Of course, everyone knows the correct term is “special needs” cowboy. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

A new probe shows that U.S. government employees received bribes from energy companies including illicit sex and drugs. It’s what the Bush administration likes to call: “On-Shore Drilling.” (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Alaska sent out two-thousand-dollar dividend checks to every citizen Friday as their share of the state’s oil revenue. There are active groups in the state that want to secede from the Union. Perhaps Barack Obama really is another Abraham Lincoln. (Argus Hamilton)

Maryland’s elected state officials will now be in violation of the law if they have sex with any of their employees. It looks like they will have to be content in just screwing their constituents. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

A Federal Judge has approved bankruptcy filing for the city of Vallejo, California. How bad is it when your city actually has to declare itself insolvent before Detroit? (Jim Barach)

Los Angeles saw its fewest summer killings since 1967. With gas at $4 a gallon, road rage shootings are a thing of the past. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

O.J. Simpson’s trial in Las Vegas began with jury selection Monday. The judge ordered jurors to stay off gambling websites that take bets on the jury’s verdict. O.J. always covers the spread, it might be with blood, but O.J. always covers the spread. (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Simpson’s trial starts today. It started with kidnapping and robbery, but on the way to the trial, he got pulled over by the police on the way! He can’t catch a break. It’s almost as if the universe is trying to punish him for something. Like some sort of karmic retribution is coming his way. (Craig Ferguson)

It’s like old times — today is the first day of the O.J. Simpson trial.He’s in Las Vegas on trial for armed robbery this time. He’s saying he just wanted to get his stuff back, his autographed jersey, his autographed football, his autographed knife. (David Letterman)

The robbery-kidnapping trial of O.J. Simpson has begun. His plea bargain with prosecutors failed. He vowed to devote his life to finding the real armed bandits. (Alan Ray)

A Pennsylvania dentist has been charged with dumping medical waste on a New Jersey beach. The law strictly prohibits the dumping of anything but bodies on New Jersey waterways. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Unemployment is up to 6.1%, the highest in five years. Americans are so desperate, they are actually learning to speak Spanish to try to compete for jobs only illegal aliens will take. (Jim Barach)

A report says American workers are worse off with pay and employment. About 10% of all people are unemployed, underemployed or discouraged from finding work. The other 90% of American workers are illegal aliens. (Jim Barach)

The government is spending $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; unemployment is at a five-year high; foreclosures are at a 19-year high. You know, this means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard to blow this election. (Jay Leno)

Financial trouble here. Earlier today, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were both adopted by Angelina Jolie. (David Letterman)

Las Vegas reported low attendance numbers this Labor Day weekend when expected crowds didn’t show. Nevada has lost its monopoly on gaming. If people want to lose their money fifty dollars at a time the only handle they have to pull is on the gas pump. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Hurricane Ike’s approach toward Cuba last weekend prompted a few Cubans to try to sail to Miami amid the confusion. Some Cubans have figured out a perfect way to slip into South Florida. They hide inside bales of cocaine and wash ashore undetected. (Argus Hamilton)

Mexico suspended exports of beef and poultry to the U.S. Friday over sanitation violations. It’s about time. They must clean up their act before Colonel Sanders’s face turns green on the bucket and his competitor changes its name to El Pollo Yucko. (Argus Hamilton)

CANADA

Canada’s prime minister has dissolved Parliament. It’s not clear if it’s for new elections or to get everyone home in time for hockey season. (Jake Novak)

Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper has dissolved Parliament Sunday and called an early election for October 14th. Hey, can WE do that and just get it over with? (Wacky Week)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French businesses are not in any hurry to end the experimental 35 hour work week that has been in place since 2000. Apparently even business owners are not looking forward to being around French employees another five hours a week. (Jim Barach)

IRAQ & IRAN

George Bush is announcing the withdrawal of 8000 combat troops from Iraq. Washington needs more troops to protect the mortgage market. (Jake Novak)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

There are rumors coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong Il may be dead. If that’s true, North Korea will now be ruled by Kim Jong Il’s brother, Ment-ally Il. (David Letterman)

Sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Still, there’s an out-of-the-box chance he’ll pick Sarah Palin. (Conan O’Brien)

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il missed his nation’s birthday parade Tuesday. He hasn’t been seen in public, on TV or in the newspapers for a month. The first thing he did after agreeing to dismantle his nuclear arsenal was to sign with William Morris. (Argus Hamilton)

A newborn girl was found abandoned in a women’s toilet in China’s Bird’s Nest National Stadium state press said Wednesday. Actually the parents claim the baby was training in the toilet for swimming competitions for the next Olympic Games. (Pedro Bartes)

The prime minister of Thailand was forced to resign after appearing as a guest on a TV cooking show. Legal experts say the constitution clearly bans prime ministers from being employed by a private entity and overcooking Pad Thai. (Jake Novak)

AFRICA

In Nigeria, a court is demanding that a man divorce his 82 wives. He’s getting an attorney through Costco. (Wacky Week)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The sun has made history. Astronomers say that it just went an entire month without a single sunspot for the first time in over a century. Normally the sun will spot as often as Larry King gets married or divorced. (Wacky Week)

The Department of Health released a survey Tuesday showing remarkable progress in the War on Drugs. Only eight percent of Americans used illegal drugs last year. It’s just another example of young people rebelling against their Baby Boomer parents. (Argus Hamilton)

Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken. (Jay Leno)

Almost half of Americans face the possibility of arthritic knees from being overweight. That’s bad news for Monica Lewinsky who already has problems from too much stress on her knees. (Jim Barach)

A study says that cell phones can cause people sleepless nights from the radiation they emit. That and from booty calls from boyfriends who have their cell phone number. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Hurricane Ike is getting ready to beat up the Texas coast. Any Tina Turner references for the next several days would just be wrong. (Wacky Week)

Scientists say the sea level will only rise between two and six feet by the year 2100, down from a previous forecast of 20 feet. That means people should buy beach front property in Arizona and not Colorado. (Jim Barach)

The Old Farmers Almanac is predicting not only a cooler winter, but also cooler temperatures in the decades ahead. They’ve been making predictions like this since 1792 and John McCain remembers, for the most part, they’ve been pretty accurate. (Wacky Week)

SPORTS

The New England Patriots suffered a huge loss Sunday when Tom Brady’s knee was injured. The injury must be pretty bad. The Treasury Department announced the next day that the U.S. government is going to step in and take over the New England Patriots. (Argus Hamilton)

After the first game of the season, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is out for the year. This might be the most crushing single performance since Rudy Giuliani in the Florida primary. (Janice Hough)

Kobe Bryant has decided to fore go pinkie surgery so he doesn’t miss any part of the upcoming season. Kobe said he wanted to be there with his team from the beginning of the season, until the end, when they lose again in the Championship. (William Hale)

New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady will be out for the season with a knee injury. When President Bush heard a star would be out for the season he said, “Idol just won’t be the same without Simon.” (William Hale)

Star New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady may be out for the season with a knee injury. The Patriots are asking the federal government for a bailout. (Jake Novak)

New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady will be out for the season with a knee injury. When President Bush heard a star would be out for the season he said, “Idol just won’t be the same without Simon.” (William Hale)

A study says that watching sports can improve the brain function of fans. The one exception is with fans who repeatedly keep tuning in to watch the Cubs. (Jim Barach)

Ohio State faces USC in a top ten football showdown this weekend. For players on both teams, a match up like this is a once in a lifetime experience. Its sort of like going to class. (Alan Ray)

Oscar De La Hoya has agreed to fight Manny Pacquiao on Dec. 6 this year at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. This time, De La Hoya promised the fishnet stockings and heels would not be a part of his training regiment. (William Hale)

Michael Strahan turned down an offer from the New York giants to come out of retirement and play one more season. Strahan said his new schedule has him booked up for the next 9 months. Apparently, that’s how long it takes to fix the gap in his teeth. (William Hale)

Charles Barkley had his colonoscopy televised Friday to encourage black men in their forties to get the exam. Everyone’s scared of them. They did one on Barack Obama and doctors found an anti-American preacher, a Chicago radical and a brother in a hut. (Argus Hamilton)

Hurricane Ike has pushed back the Arkansas-Texas football game originally scheduled for this weekend to Sept. 27. The players on both teams will use the extra time to make court appearances and do their legally mandated community service. (Jake Novak)

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are expecting their second child together. See what’ll happen when you stay off the golf course! (Wacky Week)

Tony Romo said his chin hurt really bad but is fine now after a few stitches. When asked how bad the pain was, Romo said, “The only pain worse than this was having to listen to a Jessica Simpson album.” (William Hale)

The 49ers released a statement saying QB Alex Smith has a broken shoulder and will be out the rest of the season. The funny thing is, with Smith not taking one snap this year, he will STILL have better numbers than he had last year. (William Hale)

The LPGA has reversed its proposed policy to force players to learn and speak English. The players said if they are going to play in the U.S., shouldn’t they be learning Spanish instead? (Jim Barach)

Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Ocho Cinquo on Friday. He loves to be different. The Bengals have had a lot of players pulled over by Ohio state troopers and jailed but none of them have been pulled over and deported. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

American Idol is going to add a fourth judge next season, Kara DioGuardi. They hope it gives better balance. Not to the show, just someone to help hold up Paula. (Wacky Week)

They’re already working on a movie about the Governor of Alaska’s daughter being pregnant. It’ll be called, “Juneau.” (Wacky Week)

Posters for Angelina Jolie’s latest movie, “Wanted” have been banned in Britain for “glamorizing guns.” I was looking so much at her, I didn’t even notice there were guns. (Wacky Week)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Oprah Winfrey’s magazine suffered cancellations from GOP women and pro-lifers Monday when she wouldn’t let Sarah Palin on her show. It frees Oprah to run different kinds of articles. Watch for a cover story soon on How Your Children Can Help Greta Van Susteren’s Ratings. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized Monday, two months after he threatened to cut off Barack Obama’s testicles. Doctors diagnosed food poisoning. Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama and asked if he’d like to enroll in Russia’s leadership training program. (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears won three M-TV Video Music Awards on Sunday. Her ex-husband Kevin Federline also cleaned up. He put away his last chair around 1am. (Wacky Week)

Jamie Lynn Spears may break up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her with a 28-year-old woman. When she heard about it Spears said, “That’s my grandmother’s age!” (Conan O’Brien)

Sad news: Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend. Strange couple: elderly man in his robe and pajamas and a hot, young babe… oh, wait — that’s the Republican ticket. (David Letterman)

Sir Paul McCartney is so much in love with his latest girlfriend, Nancy Shevell, that he’s written a song about her. I’ll assume it’s something like, “I’ll love you forever if you sign this pre-nupt!” (Wacky Week)

Oprah Winfrey’s in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she’s elected, she’ll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, “The hell you will!” (Conan O’Brien)

The Minnie Me sex tape is out. I have waited like a 5-year-old on Christmas. Verne Troyer was dating a model, a full-sized woman, and at some point, they decided it was a good idea to videotape themselves having sex. They were right — it was a good idea. It’s like watching a hamster mounting a giraffe. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Verne Troyer sex tape is out. It looks like a woman having a baby played in reverse. (Jimmy Kimmel)

David Spade has become a father! His daughter was born August 26th to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. 8-pounds, 1-ounce and 21-inches long… but enough about David. (Wacky Week)

This week, Amy Winehouse is going to be appearing at a music festival, and she’s demanding – this is true – that her dressing room be stocked with 50 bottles of Jack Daniel’s. Yeah. Yeah, so the good news is she’s cutting back. (Conan O’Brien)

Reverend Jeremiah Wright was exposed Monday in an affair with a married Dallas woman. That’s how he met his current wife, too. Thank God David Duchovny went to rehab for sex addiction, at the rate he was going he was headed straight for divinity school. (Argus Hamilton)

David Duchovny has checked into rehab for sex addiction. Wait a minute! He’s married to Tea Leoni! To me, that’s like sneaking out for Haagen-Dazs when you live with Ben ‘n Jerry. (Wacky Week)

EDUCATION

Barack Obama called for vocational training in public schools Friday. It works for Los Angeles kids. In shop class they teach boys how to do construction work and in metal work class they teach girls how to grip a steel pole and dance around it. (Argus Hamilton)

A $350 Million high school in Los Angeles has finally opened, ten years behind schedule. Of course, most of the students who were supposed to be in the first class still haven’t graduated. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A New York club offers high-end car owners the ability to drive their cars as fast as they want for a membership fee of $125,000. Drivers who normally take the Long Island Expressway are amazed at the feel of being able to actually sit at the wheel of a car going faster than 15 mph. (Jim Barach)

A man in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, says he’s eaten 23,000 Big Mac’s since 1972 and he has the receipts to prove it. The question he says he’s been asked most? “Do you want any fries with that? (Patrick Gorse)

During recent comments, Cheney said that Sarah Palin is one of the most attractive, sexiest, pieces of ass that ever existed in American Politics. And by Cheney I mean Mary Cheney, Dick’s daughter. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the New York Post, seventy percent of Americans share their beds and sleep with their pets. Apparently, they just put some lipstick on them and pretend they are sleeping with a hockey mom. (Pedro Bartes)

The number of girls in poor countries marrying before they turn 18 will double in the next decade. Apparently Sarah Palin is showing that her family is on the cutting edge of trend setting. (Jim Barach)

Experts say that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there’s been a spike in the sale of her style eyeglasses. With Palin’s glasses you can see everything — except what the hell your teenage daughter’s up to. (Conan O’Brien)

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City. Everyone’s got fashion fever; in fact, the Statue of Liberty, earlier today, was wearing some of those hip Sarah Palin glasses. (David Letterman)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Oil companies are reportedly struggling despite high crude prices. Profits dropped 3.5% from 2006 levels. That means oil companies are having to get by with markups of only 350% on each gallon of gasoline. (Jim Barach)

Toyota began advertising new cars that run on alternative fuels on Sunday. One experimental car was driven across the country last year powered only by French fry oil. The only drawback is they had to stop every thousand miles to change the ketchup. (Argus Hamilton)

A Swiss company has developed a process that turns the ashes of dead people into diamonds. Unless the dead person is a total phony. They turn a phony into a cubic zirconia. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Lehman Brothers is assuring investors it is finding new investments to replace its mortgage-based businesses. Most of those investments are in anti-depressants for its executives. (Jake Novak)

Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld was conducting a conference call about company earnings this morning… but it was interrupted when his phone was repossessed. (Jake Novak)

Southwest Airlines says it will stop taking cash payments for drinks on flights. They will only take credit and debit cards. For what airlines are charging for drinks, people just don’t have that much cash on hand. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

John McCain and Barack Obama will observe the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks together in a non-partisan ceremony in New York Thursday. They turned down a request by one group to spend the day performing community service. Republicans don’t work for free and Democrats don’t take jobs away from union janitors. (Argus Hamilton)

POLLS & STUDIES

The Gallup Poll on Tuesday showed a startling shift in support for John McCain since the convention. the breakdown is interesting. Thanks to Sarah Palin, John McCain is so popular with white women voters he’s just been asked to join a boy band. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Post published a poll of pet owners Sunday saying seventy percent of Americans share their beds and sleep with their animals. It’s obvious why. The first thing people cancel during tough economic times is their home security service. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that intellectual activities make people eat more. That should make the other countries around the world look at Americans with new respect. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-13-08

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