WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-20-08

AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

If the strategy of the Democrats is to HARASS SARAH, they have to come up with a tactical Palin-drome. (Richard Lederer)

I don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to run a major corporation. For that matter, McCain, Obama and Biden aren’t capable of that kind of job either. (Carly Fiorina, former Hewlett-Packard CEO, now top John McCain aide)

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, “You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that’s still open.” (Jay Leno)

The stock market crashed yesterday, though analysts are calling it a correction. Once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. Today, he was asked if customers should be concerned about all these bank closings. He said it doesn’t matter — if the bank is closed, just use the ATM. (Jay Leno)

You know that money we have been giving to the banks, they don’t have it any more. (Jon Stewart)

Experts say we’re going through what’s known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. (Jay Leno)

John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. “The fundamentals of our economy are still sound.” To which O.J. Simpson said, “Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?” (Jay Leno)

President Bush has a plan to get us out the financial crisis: In January, he leaves office. (Jay Leno)

John McCain and Sarah Palin are not only saying they won’t give answers, they’re saying you can’t ask questions. (Stephen Colbert)

The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what’s his name, versus Sarah Palin and what’s his name. (Jay Leno)

“He did this,” Douglas Holtz-Eakin told reporters this morning, holding up his BlackBerry. “Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce Committee. So you’re looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that’s what he did.” (McCain Aide, Douglas Holtz-Eakin 9-16-08)

Sarah Palin doesn’t need to know what the Bush Doctrine is — she is the Bush doctrine. (Jon Stewart)

The GOP presidential team is on the stump. NRA member Sarah Palin proudly carries a shotgun with her during three seasons. Moose, caribou, and wedding. (Alan Ray)

This week, Karl Rove said that John McCain’s attack ads on Barack Obama have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you’ve gone too far, that’s like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink. It’s like Keith Richards telling Amy Winehouse to ease up on the drugs. (Craig Ferguson)

(The O. J. Trial) will distract us from the terrible news that we will all be jobless and homeless very soon. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. On Wall Street, they’re calling it Black Monday, but John McCain was quick to point out that it’s Black Monday — not “old white” Monday. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The governor claims she did it because she wanted to understand people of color. (Pedro Bartes)

Hey, let me tell you something. If all you need to do to become vice president is be a former beauty queen with a tanning bed, then I’m casting my vote for Ryan Seacrest! (Jimmy Kimmel)

Supporters of Palin say, it’s okay she doesn’t know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn’t know what it is. But shouldn’t the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn’t they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let’s be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn’t work out that great. (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY

Wall Street rallied Tuesday before plunging again on Wednesday. The market’s bouncing like a basketball. The difference is that in basketball, the referees go to jail for fixing the outcomes, and on Wall Street they get re-appointed to seven-year terms. (Argus Hamilton)

Today, when he heard Lehman Brothers was going bankrupt, President Bush said, “Now where am I going to get discount suits?” (Jay Leno)

Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points President Bush said, “Adjustments in the financial markets can be painful.” Then he told the American people to bend over. (Conan O’Brien)

The Dow Jones suffered a five hundred point loss Monday after investment banks fell. Stockbrokers aren’t jumping out of any windows. Real estate is falling so fast that all they have to do is hang onto the windowsill and the market does the rest. (Argus Hamilton)

Because the current economic design has many underlying causes, the White House has requested that members of the media not refer to it as “the Bush Recession.” The media has largely complied. They now refer to it as “the Bush Depression.” (Conrad Macina)

“Well, let’s see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that’s when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That’s why they’re called brokers. After they take your money, you’re broker. You see? (Jay Leno)

Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil today. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain’s plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it. (Craig Ferguson)

Both Barack Obama and John McCain are bashing Wall Street executives, complaining that they were irresponsible, greedy, and haven’t been sending them their campaign donations on time the last few weeks. (Jake Novak)

It’s a bear market — and Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon. (Jay Leno)

The Dow is down again. You can tell times are tough in the stock market. At E-trade, that baby broker’s only transaction yesterday was in his diaper. (Alan Ray)

The US government is bailing out the mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae. It was a little embarrassing, when informed Fanny Mae was being bailed out, President Bush said; “Good, I like their chocolate.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They’re calling it a “correction.” A correction? You never hear that at NASCAR. “Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.” (Jay Leno)

What happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies? (Jay Leno)

The U.S. government will bail out AIG insurance. This will keep thousands of employees solvent. With no money to cover workers’ benefits, the firm would have to treat them like customers. (Alan Ray)

It’s not clear whether the government is taking over AIG to save the economy, or to ensure that all the politicians will have a place to work after they get voted out of office in November. (Jake Novak)

The government is giving insurance giant AIG an $85 billion loan to keep the company alive. AIG will only have to pay Washington $1 million in monthly premiums, but they have a $500 billion deductible. (Jake Novak)

AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble? I mean, I understand if you’re living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don’t hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees. (Jay Leno)

AIG’s management is thanking the federal government for the $85 billion loan, and is promising to be more responsible with the money by buying 85 billion lotto tickets. (Jake Novak)

Wall Street teetered Monday after Lehman Brothers went under and Merrill Lynch got sold. The markets were shaken. It got so bad that Securities and Exchange Commission investigators ran outside to see if there were any planes sticking out of the building. (Argus Hamilton)

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall below a hundred dollars per barrel Monday. This reduces the pressure to drill in Alaska. The Caribou feel like they have gotten a reprieve from the governor, but she’s too busy to shoot them now anyway. (Argus Hamilton)

O. J. SIMPSON

The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There was a problem in the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas. They were searching for a jury of O.J.’s peers and the only two who qualified were Phil Specter and Robert Blake. (Alex Kaseberg)

O.J. Simpson’s robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas Monday. He was arrested in a law-and-order state and must answer to an all-white jury which includes nine women. His only hope of winning is to name Sarah Palin his co-defendant. (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Simpson jurors were ordered Thursday to stay away from the cable news reporters ringing the courthouse. Their presence was nostalgic. It harkens back to a more innocent era when cable news gave equal time to people who haven’t abducted children. (Argus Hamilton)

The Las Vegas jail doctor was busted with a crack pipe in his hand Thursday as he was approaching O.J. Simpson on the steps of the county courthouse. Imagine O.J.’s ire. Even though he retired twenty-eight years ago, he still hates to miss a hand-off. (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Simpson’s robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas on Monday, televised live to the nation. However, the coverage of his trial was completely overshadowed by the turmoil on Wall Street. The cameras always go where there’s blood. (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Simpson finally went on trial in Las Vegas Monday on charges of robbery and kidnapping. The robbery was caught on tape. O.J.’s agent was smart to get him booked for kidnapping because you can’t get cable news coverage these days without a missing child. (Argus Hamilton)

McCAIN

McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, “I’m not running for president because I think I’m blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I’m running because my wife wants another house.” (Bill Maher)

Political analysts agreed that after choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate, John McCain had this upcoming elections in the bank. Unfortunately, with the economic crisis, the bank wasn’t the most suitable place to keep the elections. (Pedro Bartes)

Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Republican strategist Karl Rove recently said that John McCain’s attack ads go too far and aren’t truthful. Then Rove said, “I’ve never been so proud.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin says she is ready for Sean Hannity. In fact, she spent all day today writing out the questions he’s going to ask her. (Jay Leno)

John McCain and his wife Cindy stopped in for a visit with the ladies on “The View.” I don’t think it was the light, chatty experience the McCains were hoping for. At one point Whoopi Goldberg asked if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he’s elected… he never did answer her. (Jimmy Kimmel)

An adviser to John McCain claimed today that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. Or as McCain calls it, “The fancy garage-door opener.” (Conan O’Brien)

One of McCain’s advisers implied that John McCain helped invent the BlackBerry. He should have gone with something more believable like he helped invent fire or something. (Craig Ferguson)

John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience. (Jay Leno)

John McCain’s wife is angry. Cindy lashed out at the ladies of “The View” after the McCains appeared on the show. In response, Barbara Walters said, “She’s just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.” (Conan O’Brien)

The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He’s not stalling, though. It’s just going to take a long time to print them out. (Craig Ferguson)

OBAMA

Scotland Yard warned Thursday that an e-mail claiming to contain a Barack Obama sex video is actually a computer virus. There’s a sex video in it, but it’s not Barack Obama. And it’s not really sex, the guy is just trying to help the pig over the fence. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama spoke in Grand Junction Monday, where he made fun of John McCain’s pledge to clean up Washington. Somebody must do it. When the clerk calls the roll in the U.S. Senate chamber, the senators don’t know whether to answer present or guilty. (Argus Hamilton)

The latest political commercial by Barack Obama attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. McCain was outraged and responded with an e-mail — or as McCain calls it, “a computer letter from the future.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama was revealed Tuesday to have a cousin by marriage who’s the rabbi of an Ethiopian Jewish congregation in Chicago. His supporters were delighted to hear it. Barack Obama wouldn’t be Jesus if he didn’t have a couple of Jewish relatives. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama said Lehman Brothers fall was the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression. That’s no way to scare anybody nowadays. Most Californians think the Great Depression ended when Franklin Roosevelt invented Prozac. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama’s campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. After hearing this, John McCain said, “And he says I’m out of touch with the American people.” (Conan O’Brien)

Last night, Barack Obama held a fundraiser. It was $28,500 a plate — $28,500! To be fair, it did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. I had a great dinner last night: I put on a Barbra Streisand CD, and ordered Dominos. I saved $28,488. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. This was historic because it’s the most money raised in one night and because it was the first time a black man ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama said Monday’s stock market fall was the worst day since the Great Depression. He vowed to re-regulate Wall Street and throw investment bankers in jail. If he can’t get a cab the next time he’s in New York it’ll have nothing to do with his race. (Argus Hamilton)

PALIN

Sarah Palin is going from an interview with Gibson on ABC to one with Sean Hannity on Fox. Woo! That should be hard-hitting! It’s like going from hard ball to t-ball! (Jay Leno)

Why do I love Sarah Palin? She’s a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere;Now I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway, or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she didn’t. Or she didn’t really sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure that women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah! That’s f**king true. The point is this: shut up. Because you don’t speed-date in order to get to know somebody. You speed-date to make sure you’re not talking to a dude. (Jon Stewart)

If you watched TV last weekend, you know that ABC’s Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done — interviewed Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin has been getting briefed on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. The first thing they taught her was CPR. (Conan O’Brien)

This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! email account because she hadn’t taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it’s official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom. (Conan O’Brien)

What the blue states media of New York, Chicago and Los Angeles need to know is just because somebody hunts, fishes and waves their arms in the air praising Jesus, that doesn’t necessarily make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty. It may not qualify them to be next in line to be President, but it doesn’t make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty. (Alex Kaseberg)

At one point, Gibson asked about the Bush Doctrine, and she didn’t know what it was. But to be fair, even Bush doesn’t know what it is. (Jay Leno)

A lot of people thought Gibson was talking down to her. Like when he asked her about the Bush Doctrine. Well, a lot people don’t what it is. But many know it by its other name — “Murphy’s Law.” (Jay Leno)

But John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen? (Jay Leno)

Anyway, for those of you who would like to hear more explanations from Sarah Palin, sit tight. There are some rules. You can’t just go talking to her all willy-nilly, right? McCain campaign chair Rick Davis says, “Palin will do interviews on the terms and conditions of the McCain campaign, and that the interviewers must treat her with some level of respect and deference. Deference. She’ll talk to the press as soon as they stop asking her questions. Her next interview — and this is not a joke — is with Sean Hannity. I wonder if he’ll show her deference. (Jon Stewart)

The election is getting near. I don’t think Sarah Palin knows anything about the economy either. She was asked today what people should do in a bear market. She said, “Well, you should shoot it and skin it.” (Jay Leno)

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she’s never been to the Deep South. (Conan O’Brien)

It has been revealed that Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor’s mansion. Of course, it wasn’t just a tanning bed — in a pinch, it also works as a moose smoker. The plan is not only to overshadow Hillary as a female candidate, but also overshadow Barack Obama as the black candidate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A message to the Obama campaign: You guys are trying to catch Palin in lies about the bridge to nowhere. Even if she did lie, doesn’t that qualify her to replace Cheney? (Mark Russell)

Sarah Palin is learning the difference between the political world and the Pentecostal world. In both you speak in tongues, but in D.C. they’re forked. (Alan Ray)

Sarah Palin had her first real interview. It was with ABC’s Charlie Gibson. The McCain people were happy with the interview. It went so well, they may even let her do another one. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it’s almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million… including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits & $3.2 Million to watch crabs do it. (Jon Stewart)

More facts surfacing about Sarah Palin’s background every day. Sarah Palin’s father says that they shoot 90 percent of the meat their family eats. The other 10 percent they hit with their pick-up truck. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain was watching the Sarah Palin interview with Charlie Gibson the other night, and he turned to his wife and said, “She looks really familiar.” (Jay Leno)

Did you see the Sarah Palin interview? The state trooper from Alaska says that Palin is lying in the interview. She lied on national television. I’d say someone is ready for the White House! (Craig Ferguson)

But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin’s main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he’s got something on his chin. (David Letterman)

John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin tried to sidestep foreign policy issues during her first big interview. When asked if she’d appear with George Stephanopoulos, Palin said she doesn’t plan to hold meetings with foreign leaders. (Patrick Gorse)

People need not worry that Sarah Palin’s duties as vice president will conflict with her family obligations. The law covers such circumstances. Immediately after being sworn in, she can return to Alaska under the Family and Medical Leave Act. (Scott Witt)

BADIN

The Democratic ticket is on the stump. Joe Biden is a unique kind of orator. He often has audiences on the edge of their sleep. (Alan Ray)

Sarah Palin has her own action figure. And just today, a Joe Biden action figure was released. It talks… and talks… and talks… (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden gave a speech in Michigan yesterday, where he said that John McCain is the sequel to President Bush, and he said the sequel is always worse than the original. Yeah. Well, President Bush was furious. He said, “Apparently, Joe Biden has not seen ‘The Empire Strikes Back.'” (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden said Thursday Hillary Clinton would have been a better pick for vice president. He’s right. Hillary would vote and break the Senate tie, while Joe Biden would bewail the loss of the tie factory to China, the impoverished plight of the tie seamstress, and the destruction of silkworm habitat during the Bush administration. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MINOR CANDIDATES

On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Nader said, “This is disappointing; I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE CAMPAIGNS

A little over six weeks before the U.S. presidential election, this hour’s poll shows Barrack Obama with a slight lead, Which Obama says isn’t enough, since John McCain’s margin of error is larger than anyone else’s. (Joe Hickman)

August was a big fundraising month for the candidates: Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August — $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice. (Jay Leno)

He (McCain) and Obama are tied. The polls are saying today that they each have 56 percent. Is it me? I think people are thinking it’s like “American Idol” — you can vote as many times as you like. (Craig Ferguson)

Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women. (Craig Ferguson)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush has canceled a trip to Alabama and Florida to focus on the country’s economic struggles, and see if he can sell the White House on eBay. (Jake Novak)

Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical “The Lion King.” There was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader. (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush has canceled a trip to Alabama and Florida to focus on the country’s economic struggles, and see if he can sell the White House on eBay. (Jake Novak)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Interior Department’s Minerals Office in Denver was busted by the FBI last week. They were nailed for improper gifts, casual sex in the workplace and illegal drug use. The entire staff was hauled away and charged with living in the wrong decade. (Argus Hamilton)

HILLARY CLINTON

Hillary Clinton supporters are also nothing if not hilarious, albeit not intentionally. One second they are screaming like scalded cats that Hillary lost the election because of vile sexists. The next second they are accusing Sarah Palin of being a pretty, vapid, unqualified hockey mom airhead, which is about as sexist as it gets. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE CONGRESS

Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means committee — this is the guy that writes the tax codes — has been found to be in default on his taxes on income, on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn’t understand the law. Didn’t understand it? He wrote it! Huh? If he don’t understand it, how screwed are we? (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

New Yorkers are now being encouraged by the NYPD, if you witness a crime, to take a picture of it with your cell phone and send it to them. Witnesses are being asked to make sure they hit the ‘send’ button before they hand their cell phone over to the mugger. (Matt Passet)

The L. C. Smith Terminal at Detroit’s Municipal Airport, replaced by the new North Terminal, will be rented to TV and film companies for use as an airport set. Its mens room will be seen in Universal’s upcoming “The Larry Craig Story. (Bob Mills)

Uneau, Alaska city fathers have allocated $55,000 to hire an “avalanche forecaster.” He’ll replace Gov. Palin’s old system of treating avalanches as “part of God’s plan.” (Bob Mills)

Honolulu, Hawaii — Governor Linda Lingle fired Hawaii’s tourism chief after he was discovered using his office computer to send pornographic e-mails. The porn would have garnered him only a warning, but the photos reportedly involved Don Ho, Jack Lord and Hilo Hattie. (Bob Mills)

In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. . Authorities believe this is the worst case of a person making an ass of themselves since Rudy Giuliani ran for president. Upon hearing this, Idaho Senator Larry Craig said; “I’ll handle this.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Farmers Branch, Texas — A federal judge ruled that this Dallas suburb can not prohibit illegal immigrants from renting apartments. Moreover, landlords may not refuse to accept first and last month rent payments tendered in pesos. (Bob Mills)

Green Bay, Wisconsin — Masquerading as her teen daughter, Wendy Brown, 33, enrolled in high school and became a cheerleader before being discovered. Officials became suspicious when she listed a tummy tuck as her senior science project. (Bob Mills)

CANADA

Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper dissolved Parliament and called an early election for October 14th. Hey, can WE do that and just get it over with? (Tim Hunter)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia’s top judge ordered the deaths of owners of TV networks that air lewd shows. He said satellite TV is corrupting the faithful. Richard the Lionheart and President Bush spent their lives trying to defeat Islam, and all it took was Baywatch. (Argus Hamilton)

Saudi Arabia’s chief judge issued a death sentence for owners of satellite TV networks Friday because their immoral content poisons the population. Don’t laugh. Suppose he’s right and Mexico’s irrigation water has been getting a bum rap all year? (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Chinese economy is predicted by experts to be slowing down. Manufacturers are looking for cheap labor since orders are down. That means they may outsource some jobs back that we outsourced to them years ago. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says that traces of drugs in drinking water could affect as many as 46 million Americans. That’s the same number of people in this country without health insurance. If we could just get those drugs to the right people, the health care crisis would be solved. (Jim Barach)

The Discovery Channel ran a documentary about the efforts by animal lovers to rehabilitate Michael Vick’s pit bulls. They had been trained to maul and kill their opponents. The one they put the lipstick on is now running for vice president. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times had an article on problems with elderly people. They said one of the worst things that could happen to an old person is breaking a hip. The second worse thing? Losing Ohio. (Jay Leno)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Houston businesses has suffered widespread looting in the wake of Hurricane Ike’s destruction over the weekend. It’s not going to be easy to convict any of the thieves. They’re all claiming they were just trying to get their memorabilia back. (Argus Hamilton)

Galveston cops told residents who stayed Friday to write their Social Security numbers on their arms so they could identify them. That’s okay for Texas. If they did this in L.A., the looters would steal the arms to get their credit card information. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama canceled a Saturday Night Live appearance after Hurricane Ike hit Texas. He offered to use his entire fundraising network to raise money for victims. The next morning Hillary Clinton was on his front doorstep looking like a drowned rat. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

New York Mets fans are a little more hopeful today. John McCain just said the fundamentals of the Mets’ playoff chances are strong. (Patrick Gorse)

The Surrey History Center in England found that baseball was played in England three hundred years ago. Some aspects of the game never change. The league became unprofitable when the Declaration of Independence contained a free agency clause. (Argus Hamilton)

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles in Monday Night Football game, 41-37. When asked how the Cowboys won, quarterback Tony Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, said; “Oh my god, like, at the end of the game, we totally had more numbers on our score than they did.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The Ryder Cup pits the U.S. team against the European team this week at Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville. The golfers plan to pay tribute to one of the greats who’s no longer with us. They will all be wearing black arm bands inscribed Lehman Brothers. (Argus Hamilton)

Lance Armstrong may come out of retirement to race in the 2009 Tour De France; he is serious, Lance is throwing his nut back into the ring. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new survey shows kids learn more from being on losing sports teams than winning ones… which explains why everyone on the Mets is a genius lately. (Jake Novak)

The New York Giants nixed a stadium naming rights deal with the German insurance company Allianz on Friday. It was a moral decision. Allianz once had strong ties to Nazi Germany, and the football team doesn’t want to be associated with the losing side. (Argus Hamilton)

Texas Armoring of San Antonio said Friday they can’t keep up with the demand by NFL players who want to armor plate their SUVs and fit them with bulletproof glass, rear smoke-screens and tacks. It’s the league’s fault. When players were forced to take their touchdown celebrations out of the end zones, they fell in with the wrong crowd. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

John McCain’s crew is calling the Tina Fey portrayal of Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night Live” sexist. However they felt Amy Poehler’s cackling, jealous and spiteful Hillary Clinton? Spot on. (Alex Kaseberg)

“Righteous Kill,” starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, opened today. It’s about the murder of a pimp by a serial killer. Who says there aren’t any family movies these days. (David Letterman)

CELEBRITIES

15-year-old Miley Cyrus is reportedly dating a 20-year-old model. This can mean only one thing: Cyrus’ mom is planning to run for vice president. (Jake Novak)

Gay “Star Trek” star George Takai married his long-term partner . Tonight on his honeymoon, Takai is setting his phaser from stun to fierce. (Alex Kaseberg)

James Garner, who played the original Maverick (Bret – on TV), has filed a restraining order on behalf of Jack Kelly (Bart), Roger Moore (Beau) and Robert Colbert (Brent), demanding that John McCain and Sarah Palin cease and desist referring to themselves as “Maverick” or “Mavericks.” “It’s not like me or my fake brothers go around saying we’re POW’s,” claimed the still ruggedly handsome Garner. “And you can be damn sure, other than those rumors about Moore, we never wore lipstick.” (American Politics Journal)

The U.S. Coast Guard has seized 8 million bucks worth of cocaine in the Pacific Ocean. Where’s the number one port of entry for blow in America? Tatum O’Neal’s nose. (Alan Ray)

In her blog, Lindsay Lohan is speaking out against Sarah Palin, though most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson. (Jay Leno)

EDUCATION

My 7 year old son came home from school today to tell me he learned the three greatest achievements in history by American leaders:
#1. The invention of the Internet by Al Gore
#2. The invention of the Blueberry by John McCain
#3. The invention of the Cherry Tree by George Washington.
Maybe I should have sent him to public school after all. (Stan Kegel)

At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth-graders to read at an eighth-grade level by the time they’re in the 12th grade. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

Following a mass staged behind the Eiffle Tower, Pope Benedict XVI told 250,000 followers that the world has become obsessed with wealth and power. Banging the mahogany inlaid-with-ivory pulpit for emphasis, he knocked three diamonds and several rubies off his 13th century platinum scepter. (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Under the Articles of Confederation, “Grass grew in the streets and the whole country went to pot.” (Patricia Hickin)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A survey carried out by The Blue Cross showed that allowing dogs in the workplace helps employees to relax. Especially if you take your pit bull and you put it to guard the food you keep in the work refrigerator. (Pedro Bartes)

General Motors celebrates its centennial Thursday by introducing the Chevrolet Volt, which runs on electricity. It’s the car of the future. General Motors can’t wait to show how the car can sit up on its rear wheels and beg Congress for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

Lehman Brothers changed its name to “Lehman Brother” today… one of the brothers had to be laid off. (Jake Novak)

The Hummer dealership in Las Vegas announced Monday it’s closing its doors due to plummeting sales of the SUV. The Vegas dealership is way oversupplied. Every six weeks Charles Barkley arrives in a Hummer and goes home aboard Southwest Airlines. (Argus Hamilton)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-20-08

  1. “Ouch”
    “What happened?”
    “Your aim hit my funny bone”

  2. Great post…I could not stop laughing and being amazed at the ability of the Americans to laugh at themeelves!

  3. Loved the palin-drome bit!! 😀

  4. Hehe, that’s a great compilation!

    Here’s another one: John McCain left both his first wife and Mitt Romney for beauty queens.

  5. 🙂 lol
    Palin is a train wreck
    she will be obamas biggest weapon

    didnt i say black president or lady president before ?

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