WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-27-08

This is another mega post.

PART ONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The federal government will bail out the financial industry. It’s broke, operationally defunct, and is headed by greedy, power grabbing weasels. And the financial system ain’t in good shape either. (Alan Ray)

The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over. Then, they asked for $700 billion. (Jay Leno)

You know the way a bailout works? Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail. (Jay Leno)

Bush is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too. (Bill Maher)

The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. It was either that, or Sarah Palin’s idea to sell it all on eBay. (Bill Maher)

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11. (Jay Leno)

By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to skuttle the Bush “Bailout Plan,” John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel)

The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak)

An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’s like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes)

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS

The stock market was up 400 points today, or as the Democrats call it — terrible news. (Jay Leno)

Finally some good news this week: The chairman of the Fed called for a do-over. We’re just going to start the week over. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don’t add up to a trillion dollars. How it’s going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it’s a trillion dollars, and it’s going to be hosted by Howie Mandel. (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Bush wants to bail out Wall Street. He’s got a message for the incompetent exec who gambled billions of other people’s money for his own folly. “Mirror, mirror on the wall…” (Alan Ray)

Wall Street is complaining that Congress is too slow to pass their bailout plan. It’s especially agonizing for investment bankers to wait this long when it only took Wall Street a couple of days to ruin the whole economy. (Jake Novak)

Wall Street investors seek a bailout from the taxpayer. You can tell CEO’s for major firms are hurting financially. At martini lunches now, they request the house gin. (Alan Ray)

Economy experts are skeptical about giving Henry Paulson $700 billion and so much responsibility when he wasn’t even elected by the people. But didn’t we give an entire country and a lot more responsibility to someone that wasn’t elected by the people either? (Pedro Bartes)

More bad news today, from President Bush: Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said Friday there shouldn’t be a bailout for Wall Street unless ordinary Americans also get help. He said he wants everyone to get a check for one thousand dollars. Everybody’s excited because it’s just enough for a low down payment. (Argus Hamilton)

McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Considering as how the proposed Wall Street bailout will be one of the most intensely lobbied efforts in American history, will there be anyone left to manage John McCain’s campaign? (Paul Benoit)

Wall Street seeks a taxpayer bailout. The market crash is hurting investment firm CEO’s in the wallet. To save money on their commutes, many of them now Lamborghini pool. (Alan Ray)

A lot of Americans are ticked because the $700 billion stock market bailout helps Wall Street and hurts Main Street while the CEO’s who caused the mess are living on Easy Street. (Patrick Gorse)

THE DEBATES

The first presidential debate is this Friday. Strategists say Barack Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. He’s going to do this by repeating the phrase, “Matlock is gay.” (Conan O’Brien)

The candidates prep for Friday’s debate. John McCain remembers attending his first presidential debate as a Congressman. Despite what pundits said, he’s always thought Lincoln won. (Alan Ray)

Senator John McCain wants to suspend Friday’s presidential debate.. Apparently, there’s a Matlock and Golden Girls marathon on TV. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain has suspended his presidential campaign. He also wanted to cancel Friday’s debate with Barack Obama because of the financial crisis. Obama said, “Well, I’ll have the debate anyway. It will be easier without McCain there.” (Craig Ferguson)

Several leading conservatives are not accepting John McCain’s excuse for skipping Friday night’s debate. Even McCain’s 96-year-old mother says she won’t write him a note. (Patrick Gorse)

John McCain is putting his campaign on hold to focus on the economy. When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously. (Jimmy Kimmel)

McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that’s a different deal. (David Letterman)

At the insistence of the McCain campaign, the debate between Sarah Pain and Joe Biden will have shorter question-and-answer segments than those for the presidential nominees, the advisers said. They also requested that Palin can phone a friend for help or poll the audience in case she needs it. (Pedro Bartes)

McCAIN & PALIN

You know John McCain, the running mate of Sarah Palin? (David Letterman)

Political experts have noticed that McCain and Palin ‘s appearances together are getting better and that both candidates are more comfortable with each other when they share a stage. In fact, their timing on stage is so good that they can finish each other’s lies. (Pedro Bartes)

Computer hackers broke into Sarah Palin’s e-mail. They posted her mail on the Internet. It’s disgraceful. I urge everyone not to read Gov. Palin’s emails — especially any drooling, adolescent love-letters from someone known as Craig from CBS.com. (Craig Ferguson)

Computer experts have told Sarah Palin that to avoid being hacked in the future, she should choose passwords with words that cannot be associated with her or her family, like condoms. (Pedro Bartes)

This week, someone hacked into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! account and read her e-mails. Reading Palin’s e-mails is a great way to hear what she has to say — without having to listen to her voice. (Conan O’Brien)

A hacker hacked into Sarah Palin’s e-mail by breaking her password, which turned out to be Bible, hockey, lipstick, gun. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain was introducing Sarah Palin to world leaders at the U. N. Assembly yesterday. It was nice — it looked like “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.” (David Letterman)

We’re learning more about John McCain — he has 13 cars. And he can’t remember where he parked any of them. (David Letterman)

According to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars, and Barack and Michelle Obama only own one. The McCains have 13 — which, to be fair, is only one for each house.

Recent polls show that the recent financial crisis is affecting John McCain in the polls. How ironic, Bush stopped McCain from being president in 2000, and he’s working on doing the same in 2008. (Pedro Bartes)

Yesterday at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. After hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job. (Conan O’Brien)

A spokesperson for John McCain announced Sarah Palin will not talk to the press “Until reporters can address her with respect and deference.” And then they added, “Now sit up straight and finish your vegetables or you’re going to your room.” (Alex Kaseberg)

GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she would join in her running mate’s bailout effort by bailing out of her debate with Delaware senator Joseph Biden. In a campaign stop in Michigan, Gov. Palin detailed a series of bold initiatives, including building a twenty-foot-high fence between her and the press. (Andy Borowitz)

Sarah Palin was in New York meeting foreign leaders at the U. N. Assembly. She was very impressed with all the landmarks in New York City. As she was driving over the Hudson River, she said, “Wow — your bridges actually go somewhere.” (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin took a break. She went back to Alaska. Now people can go back to ignoring John McCain. On her first day back, she shot two campaign commercials, a moose, and a caribou. (Jay Leno)

Alaska State officials have confirmed rumors that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. Aides quickly explained that the bed was used to make elk jerky, a favorite among state house staffers. (Bob Mills)

Sarah Palin said she saw the Tina Fey skit on “Saturday Night Live” but with the sound off. Right, and the check is in the mail, the guy promises he’ll call the drunk girl he nailed and our stock market is experiencing a correction. (Alex Kaseberg)

John McCain attended his fiftieth class reunion of 1958 Naval Academy graduates. The guests cocktail partied, dined, danced and then watched Sarah Palin demonstrate field dressing a moose on the deck of the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan. (Bob Mills)

Over at ABC, Charles Gibson interviewed Sarah Palin, I believe her first big-time interview. He asked her, “Are you ready to be president?” She said, “Oh fer sure!” (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin spoke at a retirement community in Florida. Palin knows how to play to a crowd. She promised to keep terrorists out of America and off our lawns. (Doug Austen)

It was reported yesterday that Senator John McCain paid $5,500 to the makeup artist who works on “American Idol” for similar cosmetic services. McCain immediately denied he’s got a make up artist on staff, he just has an embalmer. (Pedro Bartes)

Sarah Palin has been getting briefed on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. The first thing they taught her was CPR. (Conan O’Brien)

A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn’t care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that’s not true, and says Alaska has one of each. (Conan O’Brien)

And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, “You can take her picture, but you can’t ask her any questions.” What is she running for, vice president or “America’s Next Top Model?” (Jay Leno)

OBAMA & BADIN

Barack Obama said again today that he wants to raise taxes on the rich — that’s provided by November anyone is still rich. (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth the other day. Out campaigning, he told a crowd that Hillary is as qualified or more qualified that he is. Plus she still has her original hair. (Jay Leno)

Vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden says that paying higher taxes is patriotic. Couldn’t I just fly a flag? (Tim Wacks)

In a speech today, Joe Biden said that paying higher taxes is patriotic. The Republican strategy on Joe Biden? Let him keep talking. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said today that the $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. He said that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fundraisers to come up with that kind of money. (Jay Leno)

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called “Blacks Against Obama. “Actually it was a pretty small group — just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush addressed the nation on the economic crisis. He admits the bailout figure is astronomical. He hasn’t seen that many zeroes since his 6th grade report card. (Alan Ray)

The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, “Why does everyone always spell in front of me?” (Conan O’Brien)

And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, “Oh, please, we haven’t used that old thing in years.” (Jay Leno)

Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he’s canceled a trip to Alabama. Bush said, “Under the circumstances, I didn’t think it was right to leave the country.” (Conan O’Brien)

This week at the White House, President Bush hosted the final state dinner of his presidency. Which explains why the first lady finally let him wear his Burger King crown. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Did you know that Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, the man behind the $700 billion bailout, was an All Ivy League lineman at Dartmouth? That’s sorta like being an Academic All American at UNLV. (Patrick Gorse)

THE CONGRESS

The Democratic-controlled Congress said they are going to adjourn for the rest of the year. They said regarding the financial crisis, no one knows what to do. Well, that’s a ringing endorsement to re-elect them — “You’re on your own! We’re leaving.” (Jay Leno)

Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, said Tuesday he is studying a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to have their Fallopian tubes tied. Apparently, it’ll be known as the Bob Barker bill. Some people wished they had this bill passed way before so they could have LaBruzzo’s mother to do it before she had him. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CAMPAIGNS

John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it’s difficult to maintain an election. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. (Jay Leno)

It’s a tough choice folks are facing. Whether to vote Democrat or Maverick. Incredible how quickly the Repubic party disintegrated. (Joe Hickman)

Both candidates keep repeating that they want change for America on their campaign trails. If America wants change, we should vote for Bush again, because after the financial crisis, that’s the only thing left in the country. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Barclays Bank in England purchased bankrupt Lehman Brothers Tuesday along with its Manhattan tower, saving nine thousand jobs. It’s humiliating. The United States of America is two hundred and thirty-two years old and we’re having to go to mom for money. (Argus Hamilton)

As stocks continue to crash, oil prices are posting record gains the last few days. It’s not clear if this is about supply and demand, or because all the former Wall Street investment bankers are now working as gas station attendants. (Jake Novak)

The Federal Reserve agreed Wednesday to lend AIG insurance eighty-five billion dollars. There’s a reason why AIG got U. S. government money and Lehman Brothers didn’t. AIG agreed to have its militia come over to America’s side and fight al-Qaeda. (Argus Hamilton)

The Treasury Department proposed buying up all the garbage on all the books of all Wall Street banks and turning it into something they can sell. It must be approved by Congress. The Treasury Department is not licensed to operate a sewage treatment plant. (Argus Hamilton)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

President Bush made a farewell speech in front of the U. N. General assembly. I thought he spoke quite powerfully today, especially at the end of his speech when he said, “Could we borrow some money?” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sarah Palin was at the United Nations today. She met with foreign leaders to show her foreign policy expertise. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds. (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin spent some time at the United Nations this week, showing off her foreign policy expertise. She told the President of IKEA she really looked forward to visiting his country some day. (Tim Wacks)

Yesterday, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged John McCain to a debate. McCain says that if he wanted to be attacked by extremists in a hostile environment he’d appear on MSNBC. (Conan O’Brien)

All these world leaders, while they are in New York City attending the General Assembly, are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley. (David Letterman)

Some of the world leaders, whom Sarah Palin met at the UN General Assembly, were complimentary with the Alaskan governor. The leaders couldn’t wait to go back to their countries and tell their families that they had met Tina Fey. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

This Sunday, the entire hour of “60 Minutes” will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed, and John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney. (Conan O’Brien)

CBS News anchor Katie Couric sat down for an exclusive interview with vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin Wednesday. During the interview CBS kept showing a disclaimer that the tape wasn’t a repeat of Couric’s colonoscopy. (Pedro Bartes)

Clay Aiken is on the cover of People magazine holding his infant son with the headline: “Yes, I’m Gay.” If sales do well, the next cover of People will continue with shocking revelations: a picture of Larry Craig, holding a roll of toilet paper saying he’s gay too. (Pedro Bartes)

PART TWO

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

PETA has asked Ben & Jerry to stop using cow’s milk in their ice cream and start using human breast milk. Gee, why didn’t we think of that before? (Tim Wacks)

To Richard Lederer’s statement, “If the strategy of the Democrats is to HARASS SARAH, they have come up with a tactical Palin-drome”: “Or are they just Biden their time?” and “No they are just raising McCain.” (Rich Moore)

The state of New Hampshire averages 230 moose-automobile collisions a year. Almost twice that of Elks, Lions and Knights of Columbus combined. (Bob Mills)

Tough blow for Barack Obama. Yesterday, a key Democratic fundraiser switched sides. She said Obama was too elitist. She is none other than Lady Lynn Forest de Rothschild. She’s worth a gazillion dollars. That’s it Obama — you’ve lost the people’s vote. (Craig Ferguson)

An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’s like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes)

Oregon State upset the Number 1 ranked USC Trojans 27-21 on Thursday night. Things got so bad for the Trojans in the 4th quarter, they put in a call to Congress and asked for a bail-out plan of their own. (William Hale)

THE COURTS

A Florida judge has ruled that a “baggy pants” law is unconstitutional. Apparently the court was putting off those other issues like torture and domestic spying until they got this one out of the way. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

The California National has successfully located and destroyed a record 410,000 marijuana plants which they refer to as “weapons of mass hallucination.” (Bob Mills)

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying. (Conan O’Brien)

Montana Police will attempt to kill 50 deer to reduce their ever-increasing urban population. Alaska’s Governor Palin has offered to dress the carcasses since deer and moose are, as she put it, “pretty darned similar.” (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

Several neighborhoods near Orlando International Airport recently learned their 8-year-old developments were built on a World War II bombing range that wasn’t thoroughly cleared. Most of them will stay, because they have more chances of losing their homes to foreclosure than to a hidden bomb. (Pedro Bartes)

New York’s Health Department said it gave out forty million condoms in New York last year. People are outraged. If the Health Department knew what Wall Street was going to do to the taxpayers, they should have passed out forty million rape whistles. (Argus Hamilton)

Both Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium will be demolished piece by piece, as New York law prohibits large scale implosions. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Wall Street. (Janice Hough)

Daytona, Florida — A 32-year old man wading in the surf has become the 22nd shark bite victim in Volusia County this year. Lifeguards say the vacationing lawyer can thank “professional courtesy” for suffering only a nip on his heel. (Bob Mills)

The New Jersey Hall of Fame will install its second group of inductees that includes Jack Nicholson, Bon Jovi and F. Scott Fitzgerald. It’s New Jersey’s highest honor — second only to not being on the list. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

On the O J Simpson trial: You know it’s bad when during jury selection, the only way to get an unbiased jury was to wake up 12 people who were previously in a coma for the past 10 years. (William Hale)

They’re having trouble picking jurors in O.J. Simpson’s armed robbery trial. The judge says they want a jury of O.J.’s peers, but it’s hard to find anyone else who got away with double murder. (Conan O’Brien)

Sentenced to 22 months in jail for dog fighting and killing the losers, Michael Vick is enjoying one of the state’s most prestigious facilities. Or as Vick calls it, “extended spring training.” If prison is anything like the movies, Vick is playing a lot more defense these days guarding his A gap. (William Hale)

TERRORISM

When Michael Haden, head of the CIA, was asked by reporters why his agency has been unable to catch Osama bin Laden, he said, “Because he’s hiding.” You get the feeling it probably wouldn’t make any difference even if he weren’t? (Bob Mills)

IMMIGRATION

McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. When asked why, he said, “My wife’s family owns Budweiser. It would be good for business.” (Conan O’Brien)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. (Jay Leno)

Fidel Castro is the subject of a film that says he slept with thirty-five thousand women. He had two new women a day, one for lunch and one for dinner. This shoots down the belief once and for all that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. (Argus Hamilton)

Cuba announced that they’re going to team up with Russia to build a Cuban space program. The country’s current space program consists of Cubans trying to swim to the moon. (Conan O’Brien)

Claudio Henrique dos Anjos changed his name to Barack Obama last week, becoming the sixth Brazilian politician to legally change his name to Barack Obama before October’s elections. It’s a coincidence. Jesus is a very common name in South America. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Spanish police arrested a self-styled Robin Hood in Madrid Friday. He took out millions of dollars in loans and gave the money to the poor, and now he refuses to pay it back. He had to sit in jail for two hours before he was bailed out by U. S. taxpayers. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China’s top food safety official has resigned amid a tainted milk scandal. His treatment plan for those afflicted was seen as a bit too callous. “Got Imodium?” (Alan Ray)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new study came out that says men have a biological clock, too. I know I do. My big hand is always playing with my little one. (Craig Ferguson)

The New York Times had an article on problems with elderly people. They said one of the worst things that could happen to an old person is breaking a hip. The second worse thing? Losing Ohio. (Jay Leno)

Researchers have found out that pleasuring yourself is an excellent natural remedy to clear up your sinuses. This just in: Megan Fox has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in medicine for her contribution to the cure of the sinuses. (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Autumn arrived on schedule. At least there’s one thing Bush hasn’t screwed up. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

Syracuse, New York — Sculptor Bruno Lucchesi will correct anachronistic errors on his statue of 1961’s Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis, who’s sporting a modern face mask and a Nike logo. Careless, but not as bad as his statue of O. J. on the front lawn of U. S.C. wearing Bruno Magli cleats. (Bob Mills)

The Detroit Lions have fired GM Matt Millen after amassing a team record of 31-84 since 2001. Which happens to be the worst record in the NFL for that time period. In fact, the only thing lower than the Lions’ winning percentage is President Bush’s approval rating. (William Hale)

A new report out states that kids learn more and become smarter by being on a losing team, rather than a winning team. If this was the case, the Detroit Lion’s players should all be Rhodes Scholars. (William Hale)

The Chicago Cubs fans are dreaming of a World Series. The last time they won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was president and the average price of a home was forty-five hundred dollars. Some things never change. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia have reached a divorce settlement. Good, now he can concentrate on the playoffs. Oops. I mean, now he can concentrate on getting tickets for the playoffs. (Tim Wacks)

Roger Clemens was excluded from Yankee Stadium’s final event Sunday due to his dubious steroid testimony in Washington D. C. He’s under FBI investigation for lying to Congress. If we put people in jail for that, we wouldn’t have a Treasury Secretary. (Argus Hamilton)

Golden State Warrior guard Monta Ellis severely sprained his ankle while riding a moped this week. The Warriors said they won’t fine Ellis for injuring himself in a non-basketball incident but they will fine him based upon the the clause in his contract called the “Real men don’t ride mopeds” clause. (William Hale)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Emmys are Sunday. All the people on TV will spend the weekend getting facials, waxing, getting manicures, preparing their push-up bras — and the women go even further. (Craig Ferguson)

The ratings for the Emmy’s set an all-time record for fewest viewers. It looks like everyone celebrated the 60th annual Emmy’s by watching the Dallas/Packers game! Or “60 Minutes.” Or the Yankees last game at Yankee stadium or the Home Shopping Network. (Tim Wacks)

Last night’s Emmys were the lowest rated in history. More people watched the Minnie Me sex tape. (Craig Ferguson)

The big winner at the Emmy’s this year was “Mad Men.” That’s that TV series about the guys John McCain was considering before he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate. (Tim Wacks)

The big award was for the best actor in a presidential campaign. It went to John McCain. [Video of John McCain saying Sarah Palin is absolutely ready to be presidentt. T. (Craig Ferguson)

Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last night. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too. (Craig Ferguson)

Last night were the Emmys on ABC. Best drama went to the Green Bay Packers, I think.

The miniseries “John Adams” set an Emmy record last night — 13 wins. So a guy from the 1700s is still winning today. That’s good news for John McCain. (Jay Leno)

The new TV season begins. The premieres of many shows on the traditional networks will have viewers on the edge of their seats. Looking for the remote. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Kanye West was arrested at LAX. He smashed a paparazzi’s camera after he realized they were filming him. Then, he realized TMZ was there too filming him, so he tried to smash theirs as well. You can’t smash all the cameras. You’d be smashing the airport security cameras, the satellite cameras too. You can’t win. It’s like Wackamo. (Craig Ferguson)

Hugh Hefner says that his current three-girlfriend relationship is “in transition.” Apparently one of the girls caught him with another threesome. (Tim Wacks)

Paul McCartney was threatened by al-Qaeda if he sings in Israel Thursday. Show business is so hard. Barbra Streisand has to sing at fundraisers and Paul McCartney has to be the target of terrorists just to compete with Sarah Palin for tabloid space. (Argus Hamilton)

Clay Aiken announced in People magazine that he’s gay. He’s Clay; he’s gay; he’s here to stay. (Craig Ferguson)

Clay Aiken has officially come out of the closet and admitted he’s gay. Wow, Clay Aiken is gay. I had just gotten over the shock of finding out that Verne Troyer is short. (Tim Wacks)

Clay Aiken is on the cover of People magazine announcing that he’s gay. This on the heels of last week’s People shocking cover: Ruben Studdard announced he’s black. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley isn’t expected to face charges after a lengthy investigation into his lurid messages to underage congressional pages. The former congressman welcomed the news and immediately e-mailed his friends to invite them for a celebratory party in Chucky Cheese. (Pedro Bartes)

Clay Aiken has announced he is gay. That means hey Ryan Seacrest, you’re the last one, so don’t forget to turn out the light when you come out of the closet. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. Yikes. Trying to write a script with Paris Hilton is like trying to paint a mural with Stevie Wonder. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. Paris has already written her first script in only seven words: “Get naked. Have sex. Look stupid. Repeat.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Magician David Blaine is trying to hang upside down in New York’s Central Park for 60 hours. This is an attempt to do something no one else has ever accomplished – getting the locals to look up. (Alan Ray)

Britney Spears mother, Lynn, has written a book on parenting. And I’m going to read it as soon as I am done with “The Donald Trump Book on Hairstyling.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Lindsay Lohan wrote an editorial on her website last week ripping the Sarah Palin candidacy. She’s had a change of heart. Lindsay Lohan was all for Sarah Palin at first, but then someone explained to her that the white powder in the photo was Alaska. (Argus Hamilton)

Illusionist David Blaine is doing a stunt that consists of hanging upside down for 60 hours above Central Park. Unfortunately for the magician, this time the competition is big, there are already tons of Wall Street traders hanging from trees in Central Park since the economic crisis began last week. (Pedro Bartes)

Ryan O’Neal’s attorney says that those drugs found in his house did not belong to Ryan. That the vial of meth found in his bedroom wasn’t his. I mean, really… I can’t count the number of times that same thing has happened to me. (Tim Wacks)

Ryan O’Neal was arrested at home in Malibu for drugs along with his son Redmond. His son Griffin and daughter Tatum have also had drug arrests. No one was suspicious that they already had their Christmas tree up until they saw the three feet of snow at the base. (Argus Hamilton)

Former Mormon Bruce Bastian, co-founder of WordPerfect, donated $1 million to oppose the Mormon-supported bill to overturn California’s gay-marriage law. In all fairness to the LDSers, they also oppose gay polygamy. (Bob Mills)

RELIGION

A spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI announced he will not apologize for his church’s condemnation of Charles Darwin following publication of “Origin of Species” 150 years ago next March. And rightly so. If the pope had to apologize for erroneous Catholic teachings, he’d scarcely have time left to oppose abortion following rape, excommunicate politicians he doesn’t agree with and pardon his priest-pedophiles. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The New York Post said social networking sites have replaced porn as the Internet’s top draw. People would rather hook up for real than watch others have sex. Al Gore will only say now that he invented the Internet during a troubled time in his marriage. (Argus Hamilton)

In Japan, the World’s Oldest Man celebrated his 113th birthday. Tomoji Tanabe says he’s lived this long because he eats mostly vegetables and he never drinks alcohol. Plus — he never talks on his cell phone while driving. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Over the past few months, the police in Ashland, Oregon have been swamped with calls complaining about a hot woman that rides her bike around town wearing only a thong. That leads us to believe most of the population in Oregon is gay. (Pedro Bartes)

A survey says 97% of American kids play video games. Of course, the survey had a margin of error of three percent to make up for the discrepancy. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Google is releasing a new phone. It’s called the G1. John McCain was very excited when he heard about it. When he heard G1, he said “Bingo!” (Craig Ferguson)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s