WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. (Jay Leno)

The day Congress convenes is the day we should observe Halloween — because that’s when the mistakes we made on Election Day come back to haunt us. (Joe Hickman)

Today John McCain went on the offensive and said that Barack Obama will do and say anything to win the election. Obama countered that later by showing a photograph of Sarah Palin and saying, “Really? I’m the one who’ll say and do anything?” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. (Conan O’Brien)

The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals. (David Letterman)

Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance. (Jay Leno)

I’m going to vote early. By election day I may not care. (Joe Hickman)

Political pundits have been pointing out that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. And Joe Biden, Rogaine. (Pedro Bartes)

News reports frequently talk about “Toxic Loans” and “Toxic Mortgages,” but the real problem is with the large corporations who invested in these financial transactions. The real problem should be called “Toxic Stock Syndrome.” (Bertrand Piboin)

Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in California stories. Elementary school students in Berkeley are receiving a class credit for “lunch.” Since they learn about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that’s when you know we’re getting too fat in this country, when students are actually majoring in lunch! (Jay Leno)

An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

A survey says that when comparing presidential candidates to cars, Barack Obama is a BMW and John McCain is a Ford. Sarah Palin is the trunk of the car since she comes with so much baggage, and Joe Biden is the passenger air bag. (Jim Barach)

If Alaska Senator Stevens were running for reelection in the State of Florida he would be in easily and if his trial were here things would have been different. Every voter seems to be wearing a sticker that states ” I Vote Ted” (Gary Reeves)

It’s not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet. (Jay Leno)

McCAIN & PALIN

John McCain has decided to center his campaign around Joe the plumber. Why they would do this for a campaign that’s already down the toilet I don’t know. (Jimmy Kimmel)

McCain is trailing in every major poll. The McCain campaign is focusing on a strategy that involves three major parts: Strengthen support in states that Bush won in 2004. Flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. Pray for an earthquake that dumps California into the Pacific Ocean. (Craig Ferguson)

And a lot of juicy gossip on the campaign trail. Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she’s not listening to their advice, she’s not taking their notes and she’s going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, “She’s a maverick!” (Jay Leno)

They say that recently, on a campaign bus trip, John McCain actually snubbed Sarah Palin on the bus trip. But now listen, to be fair, here’s what actually happened. She was busy on the bus trip, in the rear, out the window, shooting squirrels. (David Letterman)

Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she’s also agreed to keep him on the ticket, so I don’t know. (Jay Leno)

That’s the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time. (Jay Leno)

The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader. (Jay Leno)

According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant. (Seth Meyers)

John McCain was on Larry King’s show last night, and it got kind of awkward when Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama. But on that show, Larry King and John McCain looked like two guys who would be fighting over Cloris Leachman. (David Letterman)

Not a great day for Sarah Palin. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said she is not ready to be president. And he’s a Republican! He’s like their super-killer robot! He did say he was still feeling her out. This is Arnold we’re talking about. He needs to feel her out or she’s not getting the endorsement. (Craig Ferguson)

This week in People magazine, Sarah Palin talked about her plans for her daughter’s wedding. She said it’s very difficult to find a dress that doesn’t clash with the shotgun. (Craig Ferguson)

Polls show that Palin is a bigger drag on the McCain campaign than Bush. An angry Laura Bush told reporters, “Nobody can pull down a GOP candidate more than my husband… nobody.” (Bob Mills)

Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s . (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin has said that the election is in now in God’s hands. Don’t relax too much — God voted for Al Gore back in 2000. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin wore blue jeans Monday after Democrats made her GOP-purchased wardrobe a big issue. They will be sorry. Now that she’s wearing jeans, she’s sure to appeal to a very crucial voter demographic, male voters between eighteen and death. (Argus Hamilton)

Sarah Palin says that when campaigning, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring. The shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking hands. And Bill said to Hillary, “See? I told you! That’s why!” (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin hinted the media Wednesday that she might run as a presidential candidate in 2012. She already received the endorsement of Gucci, Balenciaga and Dolce & Gabbana (Pedro Bartes)

Sarah Palin’s stylist was paid more than John McCain’s foreign policy advisor, making more than $22,000 for two weeks work. However, it should be pointed out she did a much better job. (Jim Barach)

They’re saying there’s some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Palin as “that one.” (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin said she’s putting the election in God’s hands. Which is good news for Democrats because they think Barack Obama is God. (Craig Ferguson)

“Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from the roof of a house in West Hollywood in a Halloween display. The investigation is off to a slow start. Secret Service agents were pulled over six times by the cops for talking into their cufflinks while driving.” (Argus Hamilton)

A lot of issues being decided on Election Day. In John McCain’s home state of Arizona, voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. McCain is even using this issue in an attack ad that says, “Obama/Biden, they share positions together.” (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain was on “Larry King” last night. It was kind of awkward at one point: Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama. (David Letterman)

At John McCain’s campaign stop in Defiance, Ohio, they thought Joe the plumber was going to be there. They had asked him to come but didn’t follow up. Well, he didn’t. That’s surprising — it’s not like a plumber to keep you waiting.(Jimmy Kimmel)

Joe the plumber is back in the news. He was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today but didn’t show up. So apparently, this guy really is a plumber. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain, going into overdrive, introduces the Village People: Craig the Fireman, Chris the Carpenter, Maurice the Hard Hat, Frances the Cop, and Harry the Indian. (Michael Feldman)

I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. It’s pretty hot stuff. In April, Sarah Palin is in a bikini firing a state trooper.(David Letterman)

Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets. (Conan O’Brien)

In an effort to catch up to Obama, McCain is digging in as hard as he can. Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success they’ve had with Joe the plumber, they’ve been bringing in other characters. Last week they had “Richard the forest.” On Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet: “Tito the builder.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain’s brother, Joe, called 911 to complain he was stuck in slow traffic and cursed at the 911 operator. Apparently, Joe was driving behind a very slow driver, his brother. (Pedro Bartes)

OBAMA & BADIN

It was infomercial night in America. Three major television networks, CBS, NBC, and Fox, along with MSNBC, Univision, TV1, and BET, joined together to take Barack Obama’s money from him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Earlier tonight, Barack Obama had a half-hour television special. Did anybody happen to see it? It’s a lot of money, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t kid yourself. A half-hour, prime-time network television. I mean, it costs a lot of dough. And they say it was the most money spent by a Democrat for a half an hour since Eliot Spitzer. (David Letterman)

Last night, on all the major television networks, Barack Obama had a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It’s about time this guy got some media coverage. (David Letterman)

Obama’s special was really just an infomercial. I expected them to say, “We can make this a better country — for three easy payments of $19.95.” (Craig Ferguson)

After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another. (Jay Leno)

The Democrats’ definition of the rich keeps going down: Barack said no one making under $250,000 a year will see a tax increase. Then he said no one making under $200,000 will see a tax increase. Then Joe Biden said no one making under $150,000 will see a tax increase. I think we’re going to see a tax increase. (Jay Leno)

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable? (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama gave a thunderous speech in an Ohio auditorium Monday. He had the reverb turned up slightly and the bass at full volume. If you think Sarah Palin hates Tina Fey’s impression of her, you should hear how G-d talks about Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives or a BeDazzler. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama’s infomercial last night was called “American Stories.” Amazingly, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC is already talking to him about picking it up for 13 more episodes. (Jay Leno)

On NBC, Barack Obama’s infomercial pre-empted the new show “Knight Rider.” So Obama is not even president yet, and he’s already making America a better place.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama’s campaign began selling camera positions to the media Wednesday for his election night victory party in Chicago’s Grant Park. The more you pay, the better your position. Heidi Fleiss is managing all media operations for the Democrats.(Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama spent millions of dollars to buy airtime on seven broadcast networks for his thirty-minute infomercial. ABC did not air it. In case a cataclysm occurs, one network must remain on the air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama’s staff pleaded for get-out-the-vote volunteers in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The memo said not to come if they’re expecting a vacation, they should only come if they want to work. Look, if they wanted to work they wouldn’t be Democrats. (Argus Hamilton)

Today, Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he’s a socialist by joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a communist. To which John McCain responded, “You had toys as child? I had to play with dinosaurs.” (Craig Ferguson)

Barack Obama insisted Thursday his tax plan won’t punish those who get rich off their own skills, talent and drive. He left out people who inherit their wealth. The Kennedys are so used to being shot it must be a nice change of pace to be stabbed. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama negotiated with Chicago Mayor Richard Daley last week over who would foot the bill for his victory party in Grant Park. He’s always confident. Barack Obama’s family crest in Kenya shows a farmer putting the cart before the horse. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Biden is losing his voice, but he keeps trying to put his best foot forward, which isn’t so difficult once he gets it out of his mouth. (Joe Hickman)

Obama is ahead in nearly every major poll. One gambling site online has him as a 7-1 favorite to win. They’re saying that the only way Obama can lose this election is if they made him bowl for it. (Jim Barach)

Sen. Robert Byrd was in Charleston, W.Va., at a rally for Joe Biden. He got a little confused about which office Biden is running for when he introduced him as “the next president — Joe Biden!” Somebody slipped some gin in Grandpa’s cod liver oil. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A lot of voters are taking advantage of the early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure they’ll still be alive next Tuesday. (Jay Leno)

TED STEVENS

Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, ‘Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions. (Jay Leno)

A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. Isn’t that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest. That’s the way to do it. But isn’t equality a wonderful thing? See, women politicians are just as sleazy as men. Isn’t that good to know? Isn’t that good to know we are all equal? (Jay Leno)

The longest-serving Republican senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, was found guilty on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the Plumber. Unlicensed. (Jay Leno)

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud. Republicans are relieved — at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. (David Letterman)

Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Alaska senator, was convicted on corruption charges. Stevens has represented Alaska as Senator since 1968 and this is the first time he’s been in hot water. Well, that’s if you don’t count the $15,000 Jacuzzi he didn’t list on those disclosure forms. (Patrick Gorse)

Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. He allowed an oil company to pay for renovations on his house in Alaska. The oil company put in stuff you’d expect for a man his age: a little stair-lift thing and a walk-in closet for his pills. They also put the entire house on stilts. I don’t know why. I think he also wanted to see Russia from his house. (Craig Ferguson)

Ted Stevens is a legendary figure up in Alaska. He has been alive longer than Alaska has been a state. (Craig Ferguson)

Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens brushed off reporters after his corruption conviction Monday and vowed to win re-election. It calls attention to the difference between regular Americans and elites. Outside of Washington and Wall Street, gravy train is a dog food. (Argus Hamilton)

The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They’ll have to rename it “Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.” (Craig Ferguson)

THE ECONOMY

This economy is really hurtin’. Today, the mafia announced that they’re laying off seven judges. (Tim Hunter)

The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, said that the financial crisis is a one-in-a-century occurrence. McCain said, “He’s right — and I’ve been through three of them.” (Craig Ferguson)

Gas prices are dropping. The decline is impacting oil companies dramatically. Loss of revenue could mean they’ll have to lay off dozens of politicians. (Alan Ray)

Oil prices are continuing to tumble. Finally people can afford to buy gas again, right after the Wall Street meltdown cost them the job that they used to drive to. (Jim Barach)

Here’s another indicator of a lousy economy: Sales of fancy underwear are down. Experts say people spend less on underwear during tough times. I guess you could say — the bottom fell out of thongs. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Sales of fancy underwear are really down. Victoria’s Secret is it would have lost money this quarter if not for the Republicans shopping for Sarah Palin. (Joe Hickman)

Financial experts are saying the economic crisis is going to cost $2.8 trillion. It’s hard for people to visualize $2.8 trillion. To put it in perspective, that’s enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year. (Jay Leno)

Boone Pickens said Friday his hedge fund lost a billion dollars last month, and fellow oilman Aubrey McClendon also lost a billion dollars. They’re still on television commercials. Just a month ago Boone Pickens and Aubrey McClendon were offering new energy plans for America, and today Sally Struthers can’t get the two of them adopted. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CAMPAIGNS

Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?” (Conan O’Brien)

Joe the plumber has been making accusations about Obama that even forced Fox News to have to correct him. He’s smart; he knows it helps his business. Now every time he opens his mouth people feel like throwing up and that clogs toilets. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain and Barack Obama campaigned furiously Wednesday. The country seems evenly split. After the election Americans will be asking each other which of the two candidates they voted for, the mainstream media or the vast right-wing conspiracy. (Argus Hamilton)

The Gallup Poll forecast a record turnout in California on Election Day. State law says polling places may be located anywhere except bars and whorehouses. If you think you can get away from politicians there, don’t ask who’s in the next room. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, “Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months.” (Conan O’Brien)

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Sunday that President Bush has voted and will mail his ballot to Texas. According to Perino, Bush voted for McCain, but cut out a little portion of the ballot, to show discontent because the senator only voted 90 percent of the times with Bush’s policies. (Pedro Bartes)

This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don’t think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, “When you’re president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It’s good manners” (Jay Leno)

And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That’s a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up. (Jay Leno)

According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, “See, that’s one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.” (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

One week to go until the election. Down in Florida, they’re already unloading the crooked voting machines. (David Letterman)

Some California voters are getting to cast their ballots at a drive thru polling places. How fat are we getting that we can’t even park the car and walk a few feet once every four years? (Jim Barach)

The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by federal agents in California Tuesday on racketeering charges. It’s a Latino motorcycle club formed when Hells Angels refused to allow Hispanics to join. When will both sides learn that meth has no color.(Argus Hamilton)

A lot of issues going to be decided on election day in John McCain’s home state of Arizona. True story. Voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Yeah. McCain’s even using the issue in an attack ad that says “Obama-Biden: they share positions together'” (Conan O’Brien)

The governor of California is the actor and former body builder, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He announced that he opposes Proposition 8. Proposition 8 is the proposition in California that would ban gay marriage. Arnold also opposes Proposition 14, which would require all Governors of California to speak some English. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Utah television stations displayed twenty thousand marijuana plants Wednesday found by hunters walking in the mountains above St. George. The story has a happy ending. They were out hunting for a recession-proof small business and they found one.(Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

San Francisco, California — If voters approve Proposition K in the upcoming election, the city will become the first in the nation to decriminalize prostitution. Already, pimps who are reluctant to leave are hiring themselves out as consultants to Oakland and Marin County hookers. (Bob Mills)

San Francisco is weighing a decision to legalize prostitution. Some things in the city will still be illegal, like murder. Apparently to do that you still have to go to L.A. and become a celebrity. (Jim Barach)

San Francisco votes on Election Day whether to legalize prostitution. The city has already decriminalized pot, sanctioned after-hours bars and allowed gay marriage. San Franciscans weren’t kidding when they made up their minds to be a work-free drug place.(Argus Hamilton)

In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That’s when you know the real estate market’s bad, when you’re dead and they still foreclose on you. (Jay Leno)
THE REPUBLICANS

As might be expected, Republicans think Gen. Colin Powell’s kiss-up endorsement of the other party’s candidate was crappy. Some now call him Barack’s Colin, while others think of him as Bowel Powell. (Scott Will)

THE COURTS

A judge in Ohio has ruled that homeless people are allowed to vote, and they can list their home address as “a park bench.” Ohio officials say that a park bench may not be the most traditional place to live, but it’s still a lot nicer than Cleveland. (Conan O’Brien)

An Ohio judge ruled Monday that voters may list a park bench as their place of residence when they register to vote. Not everyone has a fixed address. Since the foreclosure crisis began, Democrats live in the park and Republicans live in their cars. (Argus Hamilton)
TERRORISM

The Taliban reported territorial gains in Afghanistan Friday along with eighty million dollars in poppy sales. You can’t drink, do drugs, or have extramarital sex under the rules of the Taliban. Their goal is to establish the Republic of Rehabistan. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI warned Wednesday that white powder is being mailed to banks across the heartland. There may be a simple explanation. The dollar is disintegrating so fast that by the time the banks open the deposit envelopes, there’s nothing in them but dust.(Argus Hamilton)

IMMIGRATION

As many as twenty to thirty thousand illegal immigrants have returned home from the U.S. because of the bad economy. Solving the immigration problem is the one success President Bush can finally point to. (Jim Barach)
TAXES

A study says the rich cheat more on their taxes. People making between a half million and a million dollars a year understate their income by 21%. Apparently that is to offset the fact that President Bush cut taxes for the wealthy but still wants them to pay something. (Jim Barach)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything? (Craig Ferguson)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Over the weekend, Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married in Mexico. He had to be transported to the wedding on a flatbed truck. It looked like the Mexican version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Jimmy Kimmel)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French president Nicolas Sarkozy reported Thursday his bank account was hacked and his money was stolen. He had no choice but to bank the money. If a Frenchmen puts all his money in his mattress any one of five women per day could be the culprit. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is sick and may be near death. North Korea is promising a worldwide search to find a replaced tyrant, but it’s pretty clear that Dick Cheney has the inside track. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Cardiologists have discovered that the 70s BeeGee’s hit “Stayin’ Alive” provides the perfect tempo for medical technicians administering CPR to a cardiac arrest victim. The McCain Campaign has adopted it as its official song, replacing the less effective Hi-Lo’s classic “Pull the Plug on Grandpa.” (Bob Mills)

Researchers at UCLA have discovered a process that produces usable x-rays from ordinary rolls of Scotch Tape. When asked for her comment, Sarah Palin told reporters, “Even with their medical breakthroughs, Scotland will never overtake America’s health care system.” (Bob Mills)

University of Utah geologists say they’ve discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely crowded together they resemble a “dinosaur dance floor.” In a related story, if McCain loses the election, he’s signed to appear on “Dancing With the Stars” with Cloris Leachman. (Bob Mills)

Swedish researchers say there is a link between the amount of coffee a woman drinks and her breast size. That means any man asking a woman if she would like to go out for a cup of coffee is going to get slapped. (Jim Barach)

The bad news is that a new study shows that drinking too much coffee can increase the size of a man’s breasts. The good news is that when those men do drink coffee, they don’t have worry about where to find the cream. (Jake Novak)

A study says that junk food causes one third of all heart attacks. The other two thirds comes from people looking at their 401K statements. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It’s cold out today. So cold, Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull. (David Letterman)

Cold here in New York City. So cold, John McCain’s teeth were chattering . . . on the night stand. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

A number of athletes have endorsed candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain has been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe. (Conan O’Brien)

It was Pour Judgement to play the World Series Game in the heavy rain. (Daily Sun)

NBA season opened tonight. The excitement is palpable. Especially in New York, where Knicks fans have been practicing their booing all month long. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The U.S. will leave Daylight Savings Time on Sunday. This changes the landscape of American culture. For example, at soccer games, parents will have one less hour to bicker. (Alan Ray)

Michael Vick pleaded out to dogfighting charges Tuesday so he can qualify for a halfway house. He’s welcome in Beverly Hills. We’re losing so many dogs to coyote attacks that suddenly teaching dogs how to fight is the humanitarian thing to do.(Argus Hamilton)

The Cleveland Browns suspended star Kellen Winslow for revealing he had a staph infection. Why is management upset? You’d think an outbreak of contagious skin bacteria would make the other team give your quarterback plenty of room in the pocket.(Argus Hamilton)

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo said Monday his broken right pinky finger will keep him off the playing field on Sunday. The injury shouldn’t be minimized. The last thing the executioner said to Marie Antoinette was to watch her fingers. (Argus Hamilton)

Jose Canseco said Friday he was sorry for exposing steroid use by Major League Baseball players. He said he told the truth but he’s sorry he did. Until this past financial crisis he had no idea that America’s pastime was looking the other way. (Argus Hamilton)

Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga vowed to sell his team if Barack Obama wins, rather than pay higher taxes. The NFL owners are all in agreement. It’s bad enough they have to share the wealth with one another, they are not about to take in new partners. (Argus Hamilton)

The San Francisco 49ers were reported Monday to be interested in hiring Condoleezza Rice as their team president. Her past could haunt her. Next year when she warns that the Dallas Cowboys are loaded with offensive weapons, nobody’s going to believe her a second time. (Argus Hamilton)

Cleveland Brown tight end Kellen Winslow was suspended for one
game without pay for accusing the team of “treating him like a piece of
meat.” Kellen must also attend counseling on the difference between the
NFL and the Miss America Pageant. (Bob Mills)

Golfer John Daly was arrested for being drunk outside a Hooters in North Carolina. Patrons recognized him because he was swinging his favorite club. Canadian. (Alan Ray)

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was taken to the hospital and treated for an accidental overdose of sleeping pills early Friday. It wasn’t only pills; apparently, Isiah Thomas also watched tapes of the Knicks from last season. (Pedro Bartes)

Game 2 of the World Series between the Phillies and the Rays had the second lowest TV ratings in history. The only game with lower ratings was in 1922, mostly because television hadn’t been invented yet. (Jim Barach)

The NBA season began last night with the traditional handing out of championship rings to the defending champion Boston Celtics, and the traditional handing out of child support trial subpoenas to everyone else in the league. (Jake Novak)

Before the resumption of game 5 of the World Series, FOX will air a paid-for 30 minute Barack Obama infomercial. This will follow the regularly scheduled 30 minute free infomercials for Obama that currently air on CBS, NBC and ABC news. (Jake Novak)

People in Philadelphia are celebrating their city’s first championship since 1983 as the Phillies clinched the World Series last night against Tampa. People in Tampa are celebrating today too… mostly because they don’t live in Philadelphia. (Jake Novak)

Gas prices are now 23 cents per gallon cheaper than they were a year ago. Unfortunately, Americans are now driving to and from their local unemployment line. (Jake Novak)

Game 5 of the World Series was suspended last night because of rain… which was annoying for the 3 people outside of Philadelphia who still give a damn about the World Series. (Jake Novak)

ENTERTAINMENT

Not a great day for Cloris Leachman — she was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. It seems that America can’t wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen. (Conan O’Brien)

London hosted the premiere of the new James Bond film Quantum of Solace on Saturday. In the movie, Bond drinks moderately, he respects women and he takes prisoners into custody. The English way of life is dying before our very eyes as Barack Obama nears election. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The Chicago Tribune endorsed Obama, first time in over 100 years the Tribune endorsed a Democrat. No word yet on the really important endorsement, however — Mad magazine. (Joe Hickman)

On CBS News, Katie Couric asked both presidential candidates the last time they cried. I’m glad I held off on my vote until that question was asked. Obama said the last time he cried was at his daughter’s birthday; McCain said the last time he cried was when he saw the latest poll numbers. (Craig Ferguson)

Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three major networks: Fox, NBC, and CBS. Of course NBC was thrilled — to be considered a major network. (Jay Leno)

A New Mexico newspaper has already proclaimed Barack Obama the winner. Obama’s fans in New Mexico were very happy until they saw that the paper also proclaimed the Rays the winners for the World Series. (Pedro Bartes)

During the ad, ABC was showing “Pushing Daisies.” Which is the name of the McCain ad. (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Not a great day for Cloris Leachman — she was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. It seems that America can’t wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen. (Craig Ferguson)

“Today” featured a segment on celebrity’s nicknames. Giada De Laurentis was “G”, Tom Cruise allegedly calls Katie Holmes “K-Bear” and, this is cute, Guy Ritchie calls Madonna “That skanky tramp who whores around with Alex Rodriguez.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Sam “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher reportedly seeking a deal to write a book about his campaign experience; working title, “In The Crapper: My Two Weeks With John McCain”. (Keith Olbermann)

Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism so she can marry her Jewish boyfriend. The Donald is already getting the wedding yarmulke woven into his “hair.” (Jake Novak)

It was reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the conservative co-host of “The View,” has been receiving death threats. This is the first time there’s been a death threat at the “The View” since Barbara Walters accidentally ate Star Jones’ lunch. (Conan O’Brien)

There is more political fallout today. Apparently, because of arguments over their political stances, “The View’s” Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar are no longer speaking. Two down, three to go. (Craig Ferguson)

The election is less than a week away. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is stumping for Sarah Palin. She’s a right wing celeb with no real knowledge of the issues. And Elizabeth’s a bit of a lightweight too. (Alan Ray)

HISTORY

A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what’s going on in the McCain campaign right now. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A website has created a porno movie based on Joe the plumber. And just like Joe the plumber, the actor in the movie is really bad at pretending he is a real plumber. (Pedro Bartes)

A contest that would award $10,000 to an engaged couple who would abstain from sex until after marriage had no takers. Apparently engaged couples realize there is plenty of time to do without sex after they are married. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Ford is adding extra shifts at its F-150 truck plant because of increased demand… not because of falling gas prices, but because rising foreclosures are forcing people to live in their trucks. (Jake Novak)

GM and Chrysler are reportedly close to merging. The combined auto company’s proposed new slogan is, “GM/Chrysler: Maybe Two Wrongs Can Make a Right.” (Jake Novak)

HOLIDAYS

With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? … The costume costs $150,000. (Jay Leno)

Halloween is Friday. Why isn’t anyone buying the Sarah Palin costume? Her trick or treat bag alone costs $10,000. (Alan Ray)

Got a busy couple of days coming up: Halloween, the clocks fall back an hour this weekend and next Tuesday, we get to turn back the country 8 years. (Tim Hunter)

Halloween is Friday. It’s where you put on fake hair and go door to door. Or, as Joe Biden calls it, “Friday.” (Alan Ray)

Despite the recession, consumer spending on Halloween products is at an all-time this year… most people are buying masks so they can continue hiding from the guys trying to reposses their homes. (Jake Novak)

It’s Halloween. Everyone loves Halloween — even Eliot Spitzer. He was dating a girl named Candy. (David Letterman)

Did you have a good Halloween? Mine was rough. One kid came as a Lehman Bros. executive and grabbed our whole bowl of candy claiming it as his bonus. (Alex Kaseberg)

A lot of kids are going for the Obama mask this Halloween. It is perfect for trick or treating because it only takes candies from rich people. (Pedro Bartes)

McCain says he’s ready for Halloween. McCain says he’s going to wear a Barack Obama mask and go as a socialist (Jay Leno)

All looking forward to Halloween? You know what John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are dressing up as this year? Hugh Hefner and “The Girls Next Door. (Jake Novak)

Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don’t have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now. (Jay Leno)

POLLS & STUDIES

In the latest Reuters-MSNBC poll Wednesday, Obama edged ahead but analysts said the outcome of the election probably would depend on which party’s constituents turn out to vote — and, of course, how many times they vote. (Joe Hickman)

Obama is even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners supported Obama over McCain by nearly 4-1. It was an amazing poll: 30 percent supported Obama; 8 percent supported McCain; and the rest supported David Hasselhoff. (Jimmy Kimmel)

CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. (Conan O’Brien)

OTHER NEWS

According to a recent study, prescription drugs cost more in poor neighborhoods, but just because rich people buy them in bulk. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

12 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-01-08

  1. Hey, Paul!
    Here is good news for you!
    “The good news for John McCain: new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader. (Jay Leno)”

  2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck of the View television program: Wikipedia and the media declare her a Republican. How she is registered to vote from age 18 till today

    webofdeception.com

  3. “Or, as Joe Biden calls it, “Friday.” ”
    Hehehe.

    Nice compilation. Must take quite an effort to put it together too! So the target next week will be the next weak? *goosebumps*

    -g

  4. Dude I went through each one of em 🙂 great collection, question: do you do this each week?

  5. thanks for the great collections

  6. Gauri/Chirag:
    This is a weekly article that comes out thanks to a compilation made by Stan Kegel, a cardiologist who has kindly given me permission to post these.
    So it takes me no time to put it up!

  7. Vivek Khadpekar

    Doc,

    On the several occasions when you have omitted to post Weakly Humerus, I tried to google it under “Stan Kegel”, but could never find the real thing. Is there some kind of extension code to the URL that gets me there?

  8. Haha, Vivek! Nice try!!
    This blog has to be exclusive, has it not? This is the only place where you get it. But, I promise, I won’t miss again!

  9. Vivek Khadpekar

    @ Doc:

    Exclusive! Hmmm…!

    OK, before I exclude myself, just one question, Kegel is a cardiologist: Can he send his patients into such fits of laughter that the plaque deposited on the artery walls is shaken loose, eliminating blockages, angios, stents, bypasses etc.? I realise this idea militates against the principles healthcare driven by market forces (especially cartels) 🙂 but in times of recession, when even the USA is going socialist without admitting it (they are struggling to find a good, sugar-coated term for it) it would help if at least those with a sense of humour benefited without having to pay through their noses.

  10. Vivek:
    I think Stan has retired. The term used for the socialistic excesses of the Bush regime is crony capitalism, which is very ugly and recessive.

  11. i can’t help thinking it’s awesome that there has been such long voting lines all over… people taking a greater interest in public issues is always a good thing

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