WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream. (Tim Hunter)

There was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples. (Jay Leno)

At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call. (David Letterman)

According to the latest polls, 100% of American voters are sick of this election. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Anybody mind if he starts a little early?” (David Letterman)

So, Barack Obama won, John McCain lost. Let this be a lesson to us all: never, EVER stand up David Letterman. (Tim Hunter)

And of course the big mantra was “Yes, we can!” Unless you’re a gay couple in California, then it’s, “No, you can’t.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama and Democrats will gain control of Congress and the White House. World reaction is pouring in. Australia’s prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency. (Craig Ferguson)

After Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers from Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren. Who will probably ask, “What’s a newspaper?” (Janice Hough)

According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama. (Jay Leno)

Democrats’ plan is to get the country out of the mess the Republicans got it into while trying to get it out of the mess the Democrats got it into. (Joe Hickman)

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation’s first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing. (Pedro Bartes)

Barney, the White House dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. Bush and the rest of the White house staff were mad at Barney; he was supposed to bite Keith Olberman. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pitbull named Sarah. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers. (Jay Leno)

Suddenly, McCain’s supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow… and then asked her if she was seeing anyone. (Bob Mills)

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn’t hear anybody using that argument. (Joe Hickman)

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian lost his bid for Congress and blamed it on a political system he says is “too corrupt.” It had nothing to do with the fact that all of the people who supported him are dead. (Paul Seaburn)

THE ELECTION

In the closing days, with the candidates traveling so fast across the country, there was a lot of motion sickness. Every time they started their mouths in motion the voters got sick. (Joe Hickman)

Barack Obama bought a half hour of prime time TV on seven networks to run a commercial. But John McCain was able to counter it with his usual 24 hour time slot on Fox News. (Jim Barach)

All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago. (Conan O’Brien)

McCain loyalists who gathered at Arizona’s Biltmore Resort & Spa expressed cautious optimism early in the evening, but suddenly became subdued when NBC projected that Obama would win Ohio. Palin scoffed and said, “No need to worry. You can’t trust a state that’s spelled the same way backwards as forwards.” (Bob Mills)

When returns showed conclusively that his White House bid was lost, McCain called Fox News and said, “I don’t see any path to a win.” Then he called Obama and congratulated him. Then Palin called to congratulate Tina Fey. (Bob Mills)

Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, “We are the change that we seek.” John McCain saying, “I would rather lose an election than lose a war.” Sarah Palin saying, “Do you have this in size 6?” (Jay Leno)

One touching moment the other night during Barack Obama’s speech. Oprah was crying, did you see that? Jesse Jackson was crying. Hillary Clinton was crying. I think Hillary’s still crying, if I’m not mistaken. (Jay Leno)

And political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama’s win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, “Unprecedented? You mean, he didn’t win? He got unpresidented?” (Jay Leno)

The election was a huge success. Somebody was elected to almost every office. (Joe Hickman)

A woman in Los Angeles went into labor while standing in line. And before she was able to vote the kid was already walking. (Pedro Bartes)

After a surprisingly sincere concession speech and a call to his rabid followers to cooperate with the economic changes they had fought so hard to defeat, the old warrior withdrew with second wife Cindy to decide which of their 13 homes they would return to. (Bob Mills)

In an uncharacteristic gesture of good will toward her opponent, Sarah Palin congratulated Joe Biden and offered him some tips for his new job running the Senate. “So you can help make good, sound, real American policy, you betcha.” (Wink.) (Bob Mills)

Congratulations to President-elect Barrack Obama — and congratulations to America — for making a decision with no need for recounts or lawsuits. And now, may everyone relax and enjoy the end of the political campaign. And everyone at Fox News, go ahead, take off until the inauguration. (Joe Hickman)

After the election, Barack Obama’s family in Kenya slaughtered four bulls, sixteen chickens and an assortment of goats out of happiness. And Sarah Palin’s family slaughtered four bears, sixteen moose, and assortment of foxes out of anger. (Pedro Bartes)

The Federal Election Commission predicted a record voter turnout for Tuesday’s presidential contest. It’s a critical moment for the country. Now is the time for bold, honest and unselfish leadership, but we have to choose between McCain and Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

As the returns began to reflect an overwhelming Democratic win, Cheney gathered up his family and assured them that they needn’t worry. Then he ordered subordinates to build a bonfire to burn the records. (Bob Mills)

Exit polls showed that 80% of voters said his choice of Sarah Palin was “a major factor” in McCain’s defeat. Another 74% said his brush-off of David Letterman was the clincher. (Bob Mills)

Now that the election is over, half the candidates will return to honest, hardworking jobs, and the rest will return to Congress. (Joe Hickman)

Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. The voters faced three choices. We had to elect an older president, or a younger president, or place the U.S. under British trusteeship til the Baby Boom generation can produce a responsible adult. (Argus Hamilton)

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Set your clocks back an hour this weekend. I’m thinking, great idea — if there’s one thing we need it’s an extra hour of 2008. President Bush has already set the clocks back — to 1929, thank you. (David Letterman)

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back. It’s the end of Daylight Savings. That’s too bad — that’s all the saving most Americans have now. (Craig Ferguson)

OBAMA & BIDEN

Barack Obama made a special stop in Chicago today so he could see his daughters in their Halloween costumes. Apparently Obama’s daughters wanted to be a princess and a fairy — but he made them dress up as “hope” and “change.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barrack Obama, a community organizer, organized hundreds of communities to help him raise hundreds of millions of dollars. Now, millions of Republicans are encouraging their kids and grandkids to become community organizers. (Joe Hickman)

Barack Obama had a huge event in Chicago’s Grant Park Tuesday. Forty years ago during the Democratic convention, the park was filled with hippies and Black Power groups. They had no idea they’d be back forty years later as senior campaign advisors. (Argus Hamilton)

President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. That’s right. Yeah, and actually, Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin. (Conan O’Brien)

Joe Biden got to vote for himself twice on Tuesday in Delaware. He was running both for vice president and for re-election as U.S. senator. When Joe Biden says on the campaign trail that he’s concerned about unemployment, he’s not talking about you. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama energized the crowd at his victory speech by saying: “This is Your Victory!” Unfortunately, when he said that he was looking at Keith Olberman. (Jake Novak)

Obama promises change, but let’s face it, some folks just cannot change. Like right wing talk radio hosts — they’re brains are stuck on tax cuts. Left-wing talk show hosts don’t have that problem because they make under $200.000 a year. (Joe Hickman)

The real challenge is for Joe Biden because he’s got to figure out how to get Dick Cheney out of the vice presidential mansion. As you know, Dick Cheney is armed and has a history of shooting old men. (Craig Ferguson)

Most of the newspapers with the picture of Obama on the cover were sold out Wednesday morning. Democrats wanted a picture of Obama to remember a historic moment, Republicans wanted a picture to use as target for shooting practice. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out “Born in the USA” and Obama said, “For the last time, yes, I was!” (Jimmy Kimmel)

McCAIN & PALIN

Right about now, John McCain is at home saying, “If only I didn’t anger Dave, if only I didn’t anger Dave.” (David Letterman)

A Republican operative has accused Sarah Palin of being unsure that Africa is a continent. Although she reportedly was 99 percent certain that McCain is incontinent. (Marc Ragovin)

Sarah Palin found the cutest Little Mermaid costume at Bergdorf’s for only $8,500. It’s made out of real dolphin. (Jimmy Kimmel)

When they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Yeah. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live Saturday. He showed up with a flag of truce. From now on when a nominee considers vice presidents he’ll check three times to make sure they don’t have any look-alikes on the cast of Saturday Night Live. (Argus Hamilton)

People all over the world were celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. (Craig Ferguson)

In the beginning Sarah Palin was the dark horse, then later she became the clothes horse — just don’t call her a nag! (Gil Stern)

Did Sarah Palin go back to Alaska yet? I like Sarah, but I feel safer when she’s among the mooses. (Joe Hickman)

It was reported Tuesday that right before the elections, Obama shot some hoops. Palin, some moose. (Pedro Bartes)

This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: “Now behold – the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin told a crowd [that] when she campaigns, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, “See! I told you I wasn’t making it up.” (Jay Leno)

John McCain says that Joe the plumber is his role model. He wants to take him with him if he gets into the White House. That’s not a bad idea — they’ll need someone to install safety rails on the White House toilets. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain is having trouble getting crowds at his speeches. He bused in 400 school kids to fill the stands recently. It backfired though — the kids wanted to know why Santa was so angry. (Craig Ferguson)

A lot of speculation about Sarah Palin’s future, but last night, she denied rumors that she’s getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said: “That’s a long time away. I’ll be a great-grandmother by then.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin of Alaska has reached out to President-elect Obama’s transition team to indicate her interest in being named “ambassador to the nation of Africa,” the governor confirmed today. Gov. Palin said that although she had planned to continue in her position in Juneau, she was willing to leave the governorship “because Africa is just such a darned important country.” (Andy Borowitz)

Sarah Palin went back to Alaska. As she got off the plane yesterday, her supporters chanted “2012, 2012.” When McCain got off the plane, they chanted, “Use the handrail, use the handrail. Careful, grandpa.” (Craig Ferguson)

THE ECONOMY

The attorney general of New York is now investigating nine major banks for using our federal bailout money to pay bonuses. Remember the $125 billion we gave them as bailout money? They’re using it to pay executives bonuses. Banks do not deserve to pocket the bailout money. They should be held without bail, instead of bailout. (Jay Leno)

A lot of people who lost their Wall Street jobs are now looking to get jobs with nonprofits. If they want to work for a nonprofit, they should consider a job with a bank. (Matt Passett)

The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they’ve still got three months of George Bush. (Conan O’Brien)

The Treasury Department worked Monday to give relief to over-extended homeowners and auto companies on top of nine banks, Bear Stearns and AIG. It’s all courtesy of the taxpayer. Rickey Henderson’s Major League record for most steals was broken halfway through the bailout bill. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is said to be hiding from the media until the elections are over so he won’t hurt McCain’s chances. Apparently, he’s hiding where nobody expects him to be, at the White House library. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush has only two and a half months left in the White house. That’s not long, but it’s probably enough time if he starts right away pardoning his friends. (Joe Hickman)

Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama and promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. When we heard this, Obama said, “Thanks, but you’ve done enough.” (Conan O’Brien)

Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn’t that nice? Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch Spongebob with the President.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE CONGRESS

North Carolina senator Libby Dole is embroiled in a rough campaign. This campaign has been the roughest thing to happen to Libby Dole since Bob Dole first discovered Viagra. (Alex Kaseberg)

Rabid Bush supporter and loyal administration ally Liddy Dole was decisively ejected from her Senate seat by Kay Hagen, whose Christian faith she had impugned during her mud-stained, unsuccessful campaign. Before leaving for the unemployment office, she called hubby, Bob, and said “Better renew your contract with Pfizer as official spokesman for Viagra.” (Bob Mills)

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud and corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. (David Letterman)

Convicted felon Ted Stevens of Alaska leads in his reelection bid to the Senate. Some say he should be locked up with other low lifes for the rest of his life. Others want him to go to prison. (Alan Ray)

Minnesota U.S. Senate candidate and comedian Al Franken caught hell for a Playboy article he wrote eight years ago about his porno sexual fantasies. It should be a selling point. He was showing the skills necessary to be a senator before he was elected one. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Voters in Washington state overwhelmingly voted for Barack Obama yesterday. They also voted to legalize assisted suicide. Well, at least they believe in being prepared. (Jake Novak)

A ban on gay marriage has passed in California. This has already impacted the Golden State. Sales at Bed, Bath and Beyond are way, way down. (Alan Ray)

Well, California passed a bill banning gay marriage, and San Francisco voters defeated a ballet proposition that would have decriminalized prostitution. So, it’s a bad day for straight guys and gay guys. (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to charge shoppers six cents every time they use a plastic bag. Enforcing morality through taxation is not a new idea, and it’s expected to grow as New York’s cash-hungry government imposes levies on other harmful substances such as butterfat, sugar, and the New York Times. (Scot Witt)

The hookers in New York City are offering their Obama special. $50 and you get change. (David Letterman)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama at a huge televised rally in Orlando Wednesday. He barely arrived in time. The director of the movie Deep Throat died in Miami the day before and Bill Clinton felt he should speak at the funeral. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Republicans are looking at the bright side after their big losses. The Democrats didn’t get 60 Senate seats, Obama did not get 400 electoral votes, and now that he’s vice president, no one will ever have to listen to Joe Biden ever again. (Jake Novak)

Republican officials continued chanting “Drill Baby, drill” after the election. The meaning is a little different now. It means to drill and find more dirt about Sarah Palin. (Pedro Bartes)

With Obama’s victory, Republicans are finally going to have the war they have wished for such a long time. Unfortunately the war is going to be within the Republican party. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Sumpter, South Carolina (AP) — On Halloween, an ex-convict who thought he was being robbed gunned down a 12-year old trick-or-treater, spraying nearly 30 rounds with an assault rifle from inside his home after hearing a knock on the door. He now faces a charge of first degree murder, or as the National Rifle Association defines it, “reasonable self defense by a home owner.” (Bob Mills)

IMMIGRATION

Assistant Secretary for Immigration Julie Myers has resigned. She just doesn’t have anymore work to do now that the economy has tanked and no one is immigrating to America anymore. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

If this week has taught us anything, it’s taught us that America’s a place where anything is possible, except maybe the Detroit Lions winning a football game. (Jay Leno)

After the Cowboys loss last Sunday, Terrell Owens said, “You know, I’m just gonna play with whomever is back there at quarterback. If you can come back there and quarterback, hey — I’ll play with you.” That’s right, T.O. will play with anyone back there at Quarterback….unless your name is Donovan McNabb or Jeff Garcia. Then, he’ll just call you lazy and gay. (William Hale)

Oakland rakced up a negative 2 yards in the first half last week and ended the game with 77 yards total. To put this in perspective, Sen. John McCain gained more yards running away from President Bush during the election than the Raiders gained the entire game. (William Hale)

In their 24-0 loss to the Atlanta Falcons, the Oakland Raiders had ten total passing yards. “So, how was your weekend?” “Not bad, I managed just ten fewer passing yards than the entire Oakland Raiders.” Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has to be spinning in the coffin he sleeps in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

Fox has canceled “King of the Hill”. It’s about a homespun Texan who makes up for a lack of intellect with his fun, good ol’ boy nature. Or, as they call it in the Bush White House, “reality TV.” (Alan Ray)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

I understand the networks are playing it very, very cautiously. You know, they don’t want to show any favoritism. In fact, MSNBC announced today they’re not even going to declare Barack Obama the winner until after the votes are counted. (Jay Leno)

Fox News Channel won the ratings among cable news networks election night. The coverage was scrupulously neutral. However, every ten minutes it was interrupted by a commercial for Cialis or Viagra, so everyone thinks we’re getting screwed either way. (Argus Hamilton)

Today on “The View,” all the hosts came dressed as U.S. presidents. The last time the ladies of “The View” did this, Star Jones dressed up as a joint session of Congress. (Conan O’Brien)

It was reported today that 33 million people saw Barack Obama’s infomercial. As a result, John McCain is thinking of making one too, but his is for Craftmatic Adjustable Beds. (Conan O’Brien)

The Center for Media said Monday that late-night comics told seven times more jokes on Republicans than on Democrats. Think it through. John McCain took public financing and the only way he could get any airtime was to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate. (Argus Hamilton)

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, “Day One: American Held Hostage!” (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Oprah Winfrey says she plans to attend Barack Obama’s election night rally in Chicago. So win or lose, Obama is going home with a new car. (Conan O’Brien)

On Joe the Plumber deciding against recording a country album: “Ironically, he didn’t have the pipes.” (Pedro Bartes)

Bristol Palin’s fiancé Levi Johnston said he was “totally stoked” about Tuesday night’s election returns, calling the results “definitely a game-changer for me.” “The election of Barack Obama means different things to different people,” he said. “To me, it means freedom, dude!” (Andy Borowitz)

Sylvester Stallone will write, star in and direct “The Expendables,” a film about a team of mercenaries trying to overthrow a South American dictator. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we seen enough Rocky horrible picture shows? (Paul Seaburn)

RELIGION

Records reveal that the National Association of Catholic Bishops contributed a total of $200,000 and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints spent over $2 million to help pass California’s Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage. No financial strain for the Mormons, but the Catholics had to dip into their pedophile-priest legal defense fund. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A new phenomenon: Obama babies. Babies that will be born 9 months from now that resulted in celebrating his election. Not to be confused with Clinton babies, who were born at various times, but look like the former president. (Tim Hunter)

A study conducted between 2001 and 2004 by the Rand Corporation found that teens 13 to 17 who reported that they watched “Sex and the City,” “That ’70s Show,” and “Friends” regularly were twice as likely to engage in sexual activity that resulted in pregnancy. Most often while their parents were watching “Murder, She Wrote,” “LawrenceWelk” and “Regis and Kathy Lee.” (Bob Mills)
HOLIDAYS

Tonight’s the night kids go through the neighborhood asking for handouts — the same thing Wall Street did a few months ago. I saw the scariest costume — one kid was dressed as a 401(k). (Jay Leno)

Two kids came together to my house. One was dressed as Mickey Mouse, while the other was dressed as an ACORN volunteer trying to register him to vote. (Jay Leno)

The top political costume this year is Sarah Palin. Palin’s campaign had to put out a special warning — they told the traveling press corps, “Don’t dress up as an animal. She might shoot you.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama took his kids out for Halloween, but he only let them take candy from households making over $250,000 a year. (Jay Leno)

Everyone’s getting into the Halloween spirit. The Democratic candidate changed his name to “Barack o’ Lantern.” (David Letterman)

I like bobbing for apples on Halloween. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “apple-boarding.” (David Letterman)

Last year for Halloween I was a banana. I actually got a job offer from Fruit of the Loom. (Craig Ferguson)

It’s Halloween. There’s a tradition that newscasters dress up for Halloween. I think it started in the ’60s with Walter Cronkite — he dressed up in a sexy nurse costume. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-08-08

  1. Ahha.. brilliant, Monday treat.

  2. I heard recently that, despite all the perks that come with living in the white house, the first family still has to pay for any food that their private guests consume

  3. pay for food, that’s bad, i would have gone bankrupt, no pun indented 😉

  4. Pingback: 笑话精选, Nov. 10, 2008 | Duo Wang's Weblog

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