WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

Posted from Jamshedpur Airport, which is, in spite of its name suggesting a shed for an airport, has this amazing, blindingly fast WiFi network. And Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi: the shame!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And Barack Obama being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, “The United States can only have one president at a time,” to which Bush said, “Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” (Jay Leno)

Only 69 days until Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be weird not having Dick Cheney in charge. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth. (Janice Hough)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

A bailout is where there’s too much money but never enough. (Gil Stern)

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with no actual powers. So, no big change there. (Will Durst)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The clothing industry is laying off 10,000 workers. Not because of the recession, but due to the fact Sarah Palin has stopped shopping. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, “Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?” (David Letterman)

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him. (Pedro Bartes)

Having built the most extensive Web database ever seen in politics, Barack Obama says he’ll communicate directly with the electorate on certain sensitive issues. Meanwhile, the Republicans report that in the next presidential election, they’ll be perfecting smoke signals and something called the telegraph. (Jerry Perisho)

One thing that will be different about Barack Obama’s time in the White House is that there will be young girls running around. It’s been a long time since that happened, if you don’t include interns. (Tim Hunter)

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

THE ELECTION

Hey, you been following this election in Minnesota? This is crazy. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in, like, the trunks of people’s cars. Yeah, all kinds of odd places. Everybody is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means Florida. (Jay Leno)

The 2008 presidential campaign cost an estimated $5.3 Billion dollars from the candidates, parties and interest groups. And that isn’t even figuring in Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. (Jim Barach)

THE TRANSITION

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t want to say things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, “Do you still want the job?” (Jay Leno)

President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday. And to tell you the truth, they found with all their differences, they had one thing in common. Neither one of them trust the Clintons. (Jay Leno)

Yesterday was a big day because George Bush graciously invited President-elect Barack Obama to the White House. Obama thought for a minute he was getting a 21-gun salute, but it turned out it was just Cheney fooling around. (David Letterman)

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama and his wife Michelle visited with President and Mrs. Bush. Obama has been very critical of the President. Fortunately though, the President cannot read, so he didn’t know about it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama visited his future residence for the first time Monday. Actually the White House is not that different from many homes in America — Its value has decreased under the current occupant. (Janice Hough)

Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or as they’re calling it, “plugged hair meets plugged arteries.” But see that’s cruel. See, I prefer to call them “Foot in Mouth” meets “Shot in Face.” (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden got together today with Dick Cheney and the girls, the ladies, the wives, they all had dinner. And the meal went great. I mean, they only had to shock Cheney back to life twice. And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, “Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?” And Cheney said: “Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.” (David Letterman)

In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room. (Conan O’Brien)

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden met privately to go over the transition of power. They dismissed old animosities toward each other. To the current VP, that’s just water boarding under the bridge. (Alan Ray)

OBAMA & BIDEN

Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: “Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God damn America?'” (Conan O’Brien)

When they move into the White House, Barack Obama’s going to be getting a dog for his daughters, but he’s very strict. He said, “You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water, and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?” And Joe Biden said, “Yeah.” (Jay Leno)

And according to CNN, Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday that his mother-in-law Marian Robinson will live in the White House and care for his two daughters. Democrats don’t like it. They think he’s trying to get around the requirement to hire a union babysitter. (Argus Hamilton)

The Obamas are seeking a puppy to take to the White House. Rush Limbaugh is already attacking Barack Obama’s selection of dogs. He’s been known to pal around with terriers. (Alan Ray)

Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has brought this country together like never before. They say the red states and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Obama family is debating the name of their new puppy: McCain Nine and Karl Rover. (Warren Alexander)

President-elect Barack Obama announced he’s moving into the White House with his family, including his mother-in-law. A mother-in-law in the White House? I thought this was the Administration that was against torture. (David Letterman)

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

Washington insiders say Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s role in the Obama administration will be as the “good cop” to offset “bad cop” chief of staff Rahm Emanuel. Former president Bill Clinton has offered his services as the cop who does the frisking. (Paul Seaburn)

President Obama is tapping so many Friends of Bill there’s some fear the interns may be included. (Micahel Feldman)

And there’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world, to which Bill said, “Yes!” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama has chosen Rahm Emanuel to be his chief of staff. Obama is also bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of the transition team. So now, it looks like what Barack Obama is doing, he’s just bringing back all our favorites from the Clinton Administration, you know, except for that heavyset intern. (David Letterman)

Disney has invited Barack Obama’s daughters to visit “Hannah Montana.” Obama can’t say no; they owe Disney. After all, even Mickey Mouse voted for him. (Pedro Bartes)

Sports Illustrated says Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. But in order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush’s Slip ‘n Slide. (Conan O’Brien)

Oprah Winfrey has said she will not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil. (Conan O’Brien)

McCAIN & PALIN

Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night, she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn’t. Well, she shouldn’t feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then. (Jay Leno)

I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late. (David Letterman)

John McCain married two beauty queens and picked another as his V. P. nominee. He could run for Hugh Hefner. That job looks like it’s going to open up soon. (Will Durst)

The National Enquirer says that John McCain’s wife Cindy McCain, was seen several times “passionately kissing and hugging another man.” McCain has a suspect, because since September none of their houses has had a problem with a clogged toilet. (Pedro Bartes)

Did you hear that Sarah Palin now claims she has military experience? Ever since the G.O.P. took all her clothes, she has to go commando. (Pedro Bartes)

Actually, Governor Palin continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin is writing a book on her long road toward the vice presidency. It’s called “The Bridge to Nowhere.” (Stuart Kurtz)

Hey, did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about is that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin’s hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Have you heard this? Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn’t happen to. (Jay Leno)

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin says she was puzzled by the amount of attention her wardrobe got. Apparently, she is used to getting way more attention when she doesn’t wear any. (Pedro Bartes)

How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on “Desperate Housewives,” and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, “I would kind of like to be on ‘Bonanza.'” (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin says that there are stories about her that are so completely false. For example, the one that claims she didn’t know Africa was a continent: completely false. What she didn’t know was that her running mate was incontinent. Big difference! (Tim Hunter)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is so bad, A-Rod id dating Madonna just to get the senior citizens’ discount. (Jay Leno)

According to a Federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that’s just Republicans in Washington. (Jay Leno)

The only thing keeping the economy from total collapse is Sarah Palin shopping sprees. (Bill Moyer)

The Las Vegas Sands resort is in big financial trouble. Guests can tell the hotel is trying to save money by some of the signage. “The ice machine is now located down at the 7/11.” (Alan Ray)

Exxon Mobil had to lay off 25 congressmen. That’s how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad, Rite Aid might have to close some stores. Not all stores, just the Rite Aids that are next door to another Rite Aid. (Alex Kaseberg)

One real problem facing the new President-elect will be Detroit. Barack Obama says he has hopes of working out a plan to save GM and Ford, but realistically there’s nothing he can do about the Lions. (Janice Hough)

85,000 more homes went into foreclosure in October. The banks intend to use the homes to house all their newly laid-off employees. (Jake Novak)

Beverly Hills pawn shops reported Monday that they’re doing record business since the market crash. One pawn shop has sixty Porsches, Ferraris, and Bentleys in its lot. The paparazzi are waiting at bus stops to get photographs of stars arriving at nightclubs. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama held his first post-election press conference Friday. The markets were extremely sensitive to his comments. As soon as he said we only have one president at a time the Dow Jones dropped a hundred points on the depressing reminder. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

I don’t think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he’s glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves because he didn’t want to have to sell the White House in such a down market. (Jay Leno)

Word is that tickets for Obama’s inauguration are selling in the five figures. In a related development, President Bush has announced his newest economic proposal: scalping. (Marc Ragovin)

You all know about this, President Bush’s dog biting the White House reporter? Well, today President Bush defended the dog. He said, “Hey, I know how frustrating it is when you aren’t able to express yourself by talking.” (Jay Leno)

CNN reporting that President Bush’s approval rating is the all time lowest ever recorded for a president: 76 percent disapprove of the job he’s doing. The other 24 percent work for A.I.G. (Jay Leno)

Bush is not only a lame duck; he’s also the blame duck. (John Marshall)

Yesterday at the White House, President Bush’s dog, Barney, bit a White House reporter. President Bush said, ‘Finally!'” (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he plans to return “straight home to Texas” after he leaves office on January 20 and “may write a book.” He said “It might not be as good as My Pet Goat, but these days people will buy anything.” (Joe Hickman)

President Bush says his favorite literary work is a children’s book called “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” that he enjoyed reading “when he was a boy.” Turns out, the book wasn’t even published until Mr. Bush was 23. Still, that beats Sarah Palin. She thought the Hungry Caterpillar was a tractor factory in Budapest. (Patrick Gorse)

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

The Post Office may lay off 4,000 workers. Yeah, 4,000 workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail, and then all bets are off. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Elizabeth Dole lost her re-election bid to the Senate. The Dole household hasn’t been this deflated since right before Viagra came on the market. (Jim Barach)

Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, “I can’t believe I’m losing to these a**holes” (Bill Maher)

THE COURTS

A Florida woman filed suit in small claims court to recover $13,200 she paid to a fortune teller. Talk about dumb. She withdrew the suit when the fortune teller predicted the woman would lose. (Paul Seaburn)

THE STATES

A new piece of legislation proposed yesterday on the floor of the Texas Legislature would require that all whiskey bottles be tossed overhead and shot clean out of the air the moment they are emptied. … While the new law will likely be strictly enforced, legislators maintained that those without access to firearms could also dispose of their whiskey bottles by having their children toss them off the back of a speeding pickup truck, or by depositing them into the nearest recycling bin. (The Onion)

Michigan became the latest state to legalize medicinal marijuana on Tuesday. The fact that voters approved it a week after the election makes me think they’ve already started using it. (Tim Hunter)

California voters have approved $10 Billion for a proposed bullet train. The 200 mph train may actually make up for the three hours people will still have to spend in traffic driving to the train station and back. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

In San Francisco, the proposition to decriminalize prostitution was defeated. There are, however, many who believe that prostitution should be legalized, because then it could be controlled and taxed. You know who’s against this? Hookers making over $250,000 a year. (Jay Leno)

San Francisco officials decided Friday to build a suicide prevention net under the Golden Gate Bridge. There are environmental concerns. Between the stock market crash and the ban on gay marriage, all the splashing has begun to annoy the sea lions. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama offered himself as an example of hope to a cheering Chicago crowd Tuesday. It whipped the crowd into a frenzy. If America can elect a black man president whose middle name is Hussein then next year’s the year for the Chicago Cubs. (Argus Hamilton)

Some of the smaller elections across the country on Tuesday were very close. The election for mayor in a small town in Minnesota was a tie, so they decided to choose a winner with a coin toss. Unfortunately, the economy is so bad, no one had a coin. (Conan O’Brien)

The Mayflower Hotel in Washington redecorated its rooms with organic materials to please the Inaugural crowd Monday. Democrats are radical environmentalists. Even the hookers coming into town for the Inaugural will be wearing fishnet stockings made out of hemp. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. And today Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards returned to the public eye with a speech in Indiana Tuesday. He’s an important figure in the Democratic Party. Now that Bill Clinton has been pushed off the stage, John Edwards is everybody’s choice for the job of Designated Adulterer. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Everybody is speculating now what the future of the G.O.P. will be. G.O.P. now stands for, of course, “Gang up on Palin.” (Jay Leno)

How bad must the G.O.P. feel right about now? It portrayed Obama as a socialist, a communist, a Muslin, and a friend of terrorists, and the majority of American voters said, “Y’know, we’re O.K. with that, as long as he’s not a Republican.” (Jerry Smith)

A recent poll said 64 percent of Republicans want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. And presumably about 100 percent of Democrats. (Janice Hough)

Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican Party and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea. How about no more luxury cruises? (Jay Leno)

The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American to be their party’s chairman. Yeah. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job. (Conan O’Brien)

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon, they’ll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station. (Stephen Colbert)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A former USOC official has pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography. Apparently he had a collection of hidden locker room pictures of the Chinese Women’s Gymnastics Team. (Jim Barach)

TERRORISM

The CIA says Osama bin Laden is now isolated spending much of his energy merely surviving. Oh no wait, that’s actually what the CIA says about General Motors. (Jake Novak)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

And yet, with all these problems, somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they’re allowed to be miserable. (Bill Maher)

We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides. (Bill Maher)

Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Well, the United States Postal Service said the economy’s so bad, it will have its first layoffs in the history of the Post Office. May lay off 40,000 workers, yeah. Company officials said they have no idea what happened. They don’t understand why people aren’t using the mail like they used to. And they said all 40,000 workers will be notified by e-mail. (Jay Leno)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon says it is ready to brief the new administration immediately. Apparently they are very eager since they haven’t been able to brief the Bush Administration for the past eight years. (Jim Barach)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

On Wednesday, the “Most Beautiful Bottom” competition took place in Paris, France. President Bush said he had chances to win, because he hears lots of people telling him “What an ass!” (Pedro Bartes)

The number of people seeking assisted suicide in Switzerland who are not terminally ill has increased recently. Mostly people who invested in U.S. banks. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Afghan President Hamid Karzai blamed Taliban gains on the record poppy harvest Friday. Opium profits give them more money than they can spend. California’s budget problems would be over if we could just loosen up a little and let farmers be farmers. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

Antigua’s President Baldwin Spencer renamed the highest point in his island nation Mount Obama Friday. That country has always revered Democrats in the White House. Once they wanted to name the peak after President Clinton, but Mount Anything That Moves didn’t fit on the map. (Argus Hamilton)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Indonesia’s government has implemented a new hi-tech system aimed at detecting potential tsunamis. It replaces the old system, which was a tall guy who started yelling when the tide reached his armpits. (Paul Seaburn)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Heart researchers have found that listening to music can cause your blood vessels to open up much the same way they do after taking statins and ACE inhibitors. Do you know what this means? If he doesn’t lose his hearing, Keith Richards will live forever. (Paul Seaburn)

“Sex and the City” and “Friends” are being blamed for an increase in teen pregnancies, according to a study. Apparently the children watch the shows then get on line to chat about them with complete strangers whom they then have sex with. Researchers were shocked. Teenagers still watch TV? (Jim Barach)

A study says that women have much more bacteria on their hands than men. Mostly because if you have seen where men are always putting their hands, there is no way bacteria can survive. (Jim Barach)

According to a study in the online journal PLoS ONE, children who play a musical instrument for at least three years have better verbal ability than children with no music training. That’s because they hear their parents using a wide range of words to tell them to play softer. (Paul Seaburn)

Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Although the testosterone patch could help their sex drive, women will have a marked decrease in their ability to ask for directions and to put down the toilet seat. (Alex Kaseberg)

Children in the wettest counties in the northwest U.S. are more likely to have autism, according to a study. Maybe there really is something to that “Rain Man” thing. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

What’s so wonderful about solar energy? The sun always disappears at night and that’s when we could use the light.(Gil Stern)

SPORTS

The college basketball season officially opens this week. Players work each day on the give and go. They give their tutors their homework, they go to practice. (Alan Ray)

The N.F.L. has announced lower playoff ticket prices for this year. Yet another attempted economic stimulus that won’t trickle down to Detroit. (Janice Hough)

Dante Culpepper returned as the starting QB for the Detroit Lions. It didn’t help. The Lions lost 38-14. After the game, Dante said the huddle was in total disarray. He said he’s never tried to call a play in the huddle while guys where playing pictionary and connect 4. (Wm. Hale)

New York Mets legend Mike Piazza signed a deal with Simon and Schuster Thursday to write his autobiography. He was some role model. Mike Piazza made the position of catcher so glamorous that today every other homeowner in the country is a squatter. (Argus Hamilton)

Tampa Bay Rays star Evan Longoria was voted Rookie of the Year by the Sporting News. Florida retirees aren’t that interested in who wins Rookie of the Year. They got much more excited last year when a proctologist in Miami won the Gold Glove Award. (Argus Hamilton)

Nascar fans had mixed emotions about ABC’s decision to cut away from the Checker Auto Parts 500 with 34 laps to go and show “America’s Funniest Home Videos” as scheduled. They missed the end of the race, but they got to see over 30 people crash while dancing at weddings. (Paul Seaburn)

Cadillac Williams has been activated by the Buccaneers for their game this weekend. Cadillac says he can’t wait to get on the field and get hurt again. Right after saying that, Cadillac fell off the podium and tore his ACL. (Wm Hale)

ENTERTAINMENT

Another James Bond film opens Friday. Agent 007 is a man who lives a life of danger. All his retirement is tied up with AIG. (Alan Ray)

“Quantum of Solace” is out in theaters this week. Once again, Agent 007 is given the latest techno gadgets to fight evil. They fail him because Q doesn’t provide a charger. (Alan Ray)

And congratulations to “Sesame Street.” They’re now 39 years old this week. Who would have guessed 39 years ago, “Sesame Street” would still be going strong and Wall Street would wind up getting canceled? (Jay Leno)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The hardcore Republican base is like a stalker; rejection just makes them crazier. You think Matt Drudge was a vindictive prick before? His headline Wednesday morning was, “Senior Citizen and Woman Beaten by Black Man.” You see, because McCain is old and then there was the woman, and Obama is a black man. (Bill Moyer)

After Joe Scarborough used a cursed word on the air, MSNBC added a 7-second delay to his show. The network already had a 7-second delay in other shows, not for foul language, just to dump any accidental positive comments about Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer, huh? You going to believe them? Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. (Jay Leno)

A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn’t know that Africa was a continent, to which President Bush said: “I didn’t know either. I thought it was a vowel.” (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

“Joe the Plumber” says he wants to be left alone, that he is just a private citizen. Pretty much like all the Republican former members of Congress who tried to use him in their campaigns. (Jim Barach)

Tony Dow, best known as the actor who portrayed the Beav’s big brother, Wally, in “Leave It to Beaver,” will have one of his abstract sculptures on display at the Louvre. As usual, Eddie Haskel almost ruined the sculpture by convincing Beaver to turn it into a lamp. (Paul Seaburn)

Reports say that Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch has been sold, after Michael said he would never sell it, over his “dead body.” To be fair to Michael, all the parts of Michael’s body that were around when he made that statement have since been replaced. (Patrick Gorse)

The ex-girlfriend of Phil Spector says that even though he pistol whipped her, he is “easy to forgive”. Being a celebrity trial in Los Angeles, it goes without saying that the jury will probably agree. (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

Here’s a little Philadelphia history for you. It was on this day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words: “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Death and Taxes, which ironically were also the Secret Service code names for John McCain and Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)

Dogs are not the only pets US presidents had in the White House: John Quincy Adams had a pet alligator, Benjamin Harrison had two pet opossums, and Bill Clinton a little cow named Monica. (Pedro Bartes)

Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about. (David Letterman)

Anybody see Sarah Palin on the “Today” show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, “Well, can she cook?” Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain’s goose. (David Letterman)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Guns and Ammo magazine reported Friday there’s been a surge in sales at gun stores this fall leading up to the national election. It’s pop culture. When Paris Hilton was hot, women everywhere wanted a Chihuahua, now they want to shoot moose and get pregnant. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A. I.G. really stands for “Awesome Indebtedness to Government.” (John Marshall)

American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club. (Conan O’Brien)

The U.S. Federal Reserve has approved changing the status of American Express from a credit card company to a full-pledged commercial bank. Their new slogan is, “Don’t leave home without a bailout!” (Tim Hunter)

Democrats want to bail out domestic car makers. What’s the difference between helping the automobile lobby and a gas guzzling SUV? Supporting the lobbyists gets them better mileage. (Alan Ray)

The Bush administration is reluctant to bail out General Motors. Hmmm, maybe if the company bigwigs changed the name to AIGM. (Marc Ragovin)

A new poll shows most Americans don’t support a bailout for the Detroit automakers. But most Americans do support a bailout for the Detroit Lions. (Jake Novak)

Detroit really is interested in increasing m.p.g. But that’s not mileage, that’s “money provided by government.” (John Marshall)

General Motors canceled its appearance at the Los Angeles Auto Show next week to cut costs. How bad is the company’s financial condition? General Motors said it is saving its money to go to the January auto show in Detroit, and they can walk there. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

Today is Veterans Day. John McCain laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Plumber. (David Letterman)

Thanksgiving is two weeks away. It’s a time-honored tradition. Pilgrims invited guests who didn’t speak the same language for dinner. We invite our relatives. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

In an Internet survey: 55% said when they get very old they do not want to be kept alive by a machine. I told my wife –If I ever become senile, pull the plug. She said “Gee, do I have to do everything for you?” (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

  1. Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi LOL.

    @Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him.:) Bush definetely gave good comedy material.

    What about some Desi Humor too.

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