WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-06-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. So lawyers are losing their jobs, C.E.O.’s are being forced to work for a dollar a year, and Ann Coulter’s jaw has been wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever when you think about it. (Jay Leno)

When he accidentally shot himself in the right thigh Saturday, Plexico Burrass also shot himself in the foot. (Jerry Crowe)

Atheists filed suit against the Kentucky Homeland Security office because of the mention of God in the state anti-terror law. Legal analysts doubt their chances. They don’t really have a prayer. (Alan Ray)

The Swiss are likely to approve legalized prescription heroin. Apparently they feel it could give their economy a real shot in the arm. (Jim Barach)

Bush says he wants to be remembered as the man who liberated 50 million people. Well, when you think about it, he did. Thanks to him, 50 million Americans are now liberated from their savings account, their 401(k)s, car payments, mortgage… (Jay Leno)

Right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has wired it shut. He didn’t wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people. (Jay Leno)

Planned Parenthood is now selling abortion gift certificates on its website. Finally a Christmas gift your teenagers can actually USE! (Jake Novak)

The headline in yesterday’s paper read, “Obama could change makeup of Supreme Court.” I sure hope this doesn’t turn into another controversy over putting lipstick on pigs. (Gary Hallock)

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said: “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that’s just not us.” (Conan O’Brien)

This week, President Bush was awarded the International Medal of PEACE award. How did that happen? (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he wants history to see him as the liberator of millions. Which is another clue that he will issue a blanket pardon to his entire administration. (Jim Barach)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the latest economic decisions have put the economy on the right track. Shouldn’t we veer a little bit to the left? We have been on the right track for the last 8 years, and the economy is wrecked. (Pedro Bartes)

PLEXICO BURRASS

Word of the Day: Plaxident: An act of stupidity that costs you $35,000,000.00. (www.236.com)

Did you hear about the new Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very expensive shot. (Janice Hough)

Plaxico Burress just became the first athlete in modern history to get wounded in a shoot-out with himself. (Argus Hamilton)

NY Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burris was released on $100,000 bail on weapons charges Monday. He was carrying a handgun without a permit when he shot himself in the leg recently. Bail requires Burris to stay out of nightclubs, to carry no weapons and to stay off the field when the Giants’ offense is in a shotgun formation. (Jerry Perisho)

New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with an illegal handgun in a New York nightclub; or as Adam “Pacman” Jones calls shooting yourself in a nightclub: cutting out the middleman. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress was suspended for four games after he accidentally shot himself in the leg over the weekend at a Manhattan nightclub. His career as an NFL receiver may be over, but his career as a rapper is just beginning. (Jerry Perisho)

Plaxico Burress was wounded when his gun accidentally went off in his waistband in a nightclub Sunday. He claimed he was carrying it to protect his jewelry. If he really wanted to protect the family jewels, he was an idiot to put a gun in his pants. (Argus Hamilton)

Apparently linebacker Anthony Pierce will now be testifying against teammate Plaxico Burress in his gun case. Burress thought Pierce had his back. This is what is known as blown coverage. (Janice Hough)

The hookers in New York are offering a Plaxico Burress special; for $100 they will make you go off in your pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

N.Y. Giants receiver Plaxico Burress will face felony charges after shooting himself in the leg at a Manhattan club Friday night. The NFL only allows Burress to carry a gun when he’s being covered by Pacman Jones. (Jake Novak)

THE BIG THREE

It’s a sign of the times when Chrylser, Ford and G.M. set up donation kettles right next to the Salvation Army. (Sid Knowles)

Congressional leaders are reviewing the bailout plans submitted by G.M., Chrysler and Ford. If they think they will work, they’ll take them back to the business office and have their manager take a look at them. (Todd Long)

Well, the Big Three car boys left their private jets at home and came in electric cars. They still don’t get it. The American people don’t want to see them in electric cars, but chairs. (Tulla Brendingulo)

The big 3 Detroit automakers now say they need $34 billion to fix the industry. The base price is still $25 billion, but they say they need another $9 billion for parts and labor. (Jake Novak)

CEO’s of the Big Three automakers are pleading for financial help from Congress. Each says he will reduce his salary to $1 per year. They can use that dollar to tip the elevator operator who shuttles them up to the penthouse suites or the masseuse who provides the afternoon rubdown or the executive chef who peels their grapes. (Jerry Perisho)

If we the taxpayers are going to loan General Motors the $18 billion they want, at least make sure G.M. doesn’t get zero-percent financing. (Mark L.)

Some people in the media have pointed out that it is kind of ridiculous for the Big Three automakers to ask for $34 billion when the companies are now worth only $4 billion. And then you realize that that is almost the same profit margin of any car salesman. (Pedro Bartes)

OBAMA & BIDEN

Some Democrats are already criticizing Barack Obama for not getting more involved in the economic crisis, although he won’t be sworn in for over six weeks. Even Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this. (Janice Hough)

THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton was appointed Secretary of State thus answering my prayers for four more years of Clinton jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

Barack Obama has officially named Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, which I think is a great idea. If anybody can bring peace to the Middle East, it’s Hillary. Think about it. She has proven over and over again you can live side by side with your biggest enemy and still make it work. (Jay Leno)

During her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force Hillary Clinton to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton’s financial affairs, to which Hillary said, “What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem. Bring it on.” (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton was nominated Monday to become the country’s next Secretary of State. Her job will be to improve America’s ranking in the world. Germany remains number one in the poll despite its last two losses, due to their strength of schedule. (Argus Hamilton)

President-elect Barack Obama nominated New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson to be Secretary of Commerce. Given the state of our economy, that might be the toughest cabinet job of all of them, which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job nobody wants to do, (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where president Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, he would have had to pay 10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius! (Jay Leno)

President Bush gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different? (Jay Leno)

How does that work when the President applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion dollar deficit?(Jay Leno)

Well, here’s something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out had a Christmas tree on the front. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah Bunny. (Jay Leno)

President Bush told ABC’s Charles Gibson his biggest regret was “bad intelligence” on Iraq. Historians will debate the source. Was it from his CIA? Or, from his DNA? (Alan Ray)

President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a “liberator of millions.” For starters, he liberated millions of Americans from the Republican party. (Janice Hough)

During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric. (David Letterman)

President Bush said that most people voted for Barack Obama because they decided they wanted him to be in their living room for the next four years . If that was the logic behind voting, Americans would have voted for a Pizza Hut delivery guy. (Pedro Bartes)

THE OLD ADMINISTRATION

It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout. (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is so bad, I saw Snoop Dogg eating regular brownies. (Jay Leno)

This economy is rough, Ford announced they may sell Volvo, that’s nothing, Paris Hilton may sell her vulva. (Alex Kaseberg)

Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. Stock market lost 679 points today. It’s not even a stock — that’s a flea market. That’s what it is now. (Jay Leno)

The definition of a recession is negative growth in the economy for at least two quarters. Now economists say that the United States is definitely in a recession, and has been so for a year. So where did all these economists come from? FEMA? (Janice Hough)

The National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday that the recession is one-year-old. I guess that makes leaving Bush a deadbeat dad then. (Pedro Bartes)

Bailouts are where the government bites off more than the taxpayers can chew! (Gil Stern)

This year’s Cyber Monday featured all kinds of items with prices slashed 50 percent or more — Including stock. (Janice Hough)

Some Congressional Democrats are criticizing Barack Obama for taking a more hands-on approach to the current economic crisis. You’ve got to remember, the last Democratic president to be hands-on got himself impeached. (Jerry Perisho)

A Connecticut survey showed Monday that American millionaires might be cutting off buying gifts for their mistresses this Christmas. Why should they? Now that the stock market has wiped them out, the divorce is less expensive than the hush money. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Congress is going to save businesses that keep Americans in debt. Isn’t that like your doctor serving pork rinds in the waiting room? (Stuart Kurtz)

Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss won the runoff election for the Senate seat for Georgia. Republicans think that Sarah Palin campaigning him for him helped him win. You know, this is the first candidate she’s helped elect since, I guess, Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

A New York cop won $4.5 million in damages because of an accident he had at the police station. The chair he was sitting in broke — causing him to shoot himself in the leg. $4.5 million?! Gee whiz, when I fell out of the studio chair and almost strangled myself with my headphone cord — all I got was a chewing out from the boss. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

THE STATES

The state of California says it will run out of cash by February. The nation’s banks are responding by saying: “We wish we still had that much cash!” (Jake Novak)

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a fiscal emergency here in California. I think that’s what he said. He either said fiscal emergency or he said, “I need a physical, I need some surgery.” (Jay Leno)

THE DEMOCRATS

With Barack Obama naming Hillary Clinton as his new Secretary of State, the rumor has sprung up that Bill Clinton might take over her Senate seat. Bill Clinton held a press conference yesterday and said he had no interest in Hillary’s seat… or her job as Senator, for that matter. (Tim Hunter)

Bill Clinton said that before he would accept the job as Senator from New York he would need three things: Chuck Shumer’s support, Michael Bloomberg’s cooperation, and Eliot Spitzer’s Rolodex. (Janice Hough)

Bill Clinton’s been mentioned as a possible candidate to fill Hillary Clinton’s seat. When Bill Clinton was told he could replace Hillary, he immediately asked: “for two of 20?”, until he was told it was to replace her as a senator. (Pedro Bartes)

Bill Clinton has agreed to disclose the names of all the donors to his private charity to pave the way for wife Hillary to get the secretary of state job. It turns out the former president’s top supporters are the makers of Viagra and penicillin. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, the younger brother of the president, is considering running in 2010 for a Senate seat. Bush thinks he has a foolproof plan to win, according to his spokesperson Chad Dangler. (Paul Seaburn)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

U.S. analysts say that the odds of a nuclear terrorist attack against a major city within the next five years are very good. Unfortunately for the attackers, the odds of not finding anything to attack due the horrible economy are very good too. (Pedro Bartes)

The federal government is warning of a terror plot in New York City involving the subways. They warn that people should be aware of the potential for toxic gases. No word yet on what to look for in the event of a terrorist attack. (Jim Barach)

A cruise ship was attacked by pirates off of Yemen, but the Captain outran the pirate ship. In fact, the pirates were so badly outrun they were named honorary Oakland Raiders. (Alex Kaseberg)

Those Somali pirates are brazen and the money keeps coming in; today Levitra announced they would sponsor the pirate’s swords. (Alex Kaseberg)

NASA & SPACE

On the International Space Station: The urine-to-drinking water machine finally works. The machine has a switch that lets astronauts pick between “Smooth” and “Chunky.” (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The space shuttle Endeavour landed in California on Sunday. To show you how bad the economy is, the astronauts were charged 15 bucks a bag. (Jay Leno)

CANADA

The Supreme Court has ruled that obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada. Next time I travel to Canada, I’m going to wear all the clothes I had in my luggage, so not only will I save money on extra bags, but also I will get en extra seat for free. (Pedro Bartes)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The highest tides in nearly 20 years have flooded the historic Italian city of Venice. … Most of the city is under water, which is unlike US cities where most of the mortgages are under water. (Jerry Perisho)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Nautica luxury cruise ship outraced a boatload of Somali pirates in the Gulf of Aden. The pirates wanted to rob the passengers and ransom them. Fox Sports tried to option the television rights for the race but was outbid by the Fox Business Channel. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Scientists have discovered 2,700-year-old marijuana in an ancient tomb in China. They think it may have belonged to one of that country’s most popular emperors. Qin Du Bong. (Alan Ray)

The annual cold and flu season is upon us and doctors are telling us to take precautions. This is what I do every night; I wash down my Viagra with a tumbler of Nyquil! (Jerry Perisho)

Harvard Medical School scientists announced Monday they found the gene that is responsible for the aging process. They said it may be possible to reverse many aspects of aging. This discovery came just in time so people can enjoy a long life with no money. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

At the Clinton Global Initiative meeting in Hong Kong yesterday, they announced that everybody was served environmentally friendly bottled water made from condensed moisture in the air. They put a bucket outside and collected rain water, O.K.? That’s what it is. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

Federal prosecutors have dropped 4 of the charges of lying to a grand jury against former baseball great Barry Bond. Bonds remains confident about his case, but friends have warned him not to get a big head. (Jerry Perisho)

The NFL has suspended six players for steroids. The New York Giants were not affected. The only dope they have is Plaxico Burress. (Alan Ray)

The NFL playoff picture takes shape. In the NFC, it looks like the New York Giants just have too many weapons. At the least, Plaxico Burress does . (Alan Ray)

Big news from baseball. Madonna has just traded Guy Ritchie for Alex Rodriguez and a boy-toy to be named later. (Tim Hunter)

A company called Atlas Sports Genetics is offering a new genetic test that can tell which sports your toddler will be good at, or a the Chinese call it: Olympics Tryouts. (Pedro Bartes)

The NFL announced that six players have been suspended for using a banned diuretic. A diuretic increases the output of urine. Two of the players were on the Vikings. You’ve got to be careful with diuretics when you’re in Minnesota in December. That urge suddenly hits you and you’ll find yourself frozen to the sidewalk. (Jerry Perisho)

Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps is dating a Las Vegas stripper known for her topless modeling; it’s all part of Phelps’s goal to stay on top of his breast stroke. (Alex Kaseberg)

Whizzinator salesmen pleaded guilty in Pittsburgh on Monday. The device is a prosthetic penis filled with fake urine that helps cheaters pass drug tests. The Barry Bonds model is their best seller but the Marion Jones model is a real conversation starter. (Argus Hamilton)

Citigroup is going to keep its deal to put their name on the new stadium for the New York Mets which cost them hundreds of millions of dollars. If Citigroup is going to have their name on any stadium, it should be on the one where the Detroit Lions play. (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods lost his seven million dollar endorsement deal with General Motors last week. He’ll recover. Within hours the Treasury Secretary offered Tiger Woods a twenty-five billion dollar bailout if he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

A Harry Potter spin-off book by J.K. Rowling goes on sale this week. Each of the short stories in this volume has a happy ending. Your kids stay quiet for about 30 minutes a read. (Alan Ray)

Brad Pitt is starring in a movie to be released soon in which he is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers. (Pedro Bartes)

Sean Penn got rave reviews for his new movie, Milk, on Thursday. It’s about San Francisco’s first gay councilman Harvey Milk, who was murdered during a City Council meeting in the late Seventies. You could kill anybody with a good Jerry Brown joke in those days. (Argus Hamilton)

“Cadillac Records” is out in movie theaters this weekend. The film depicts the legendary Chuck Berry as someone who really paid his dues. Just not his taxes.(Alan Ray)

Tom Cruise’s new movie Valkyrie, opening Christmas Day, is the true story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit. Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today they have to play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie careers. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

New York Daily News reporters were able to use a laptop computer on Tuesday to transfer the ownership of the Empire State Building into their own names and obtain all the documents they needed to get a mortgage loan on it. It was worth a try. Fraudulent lending got us into this mess and perhaps fraudulent lending can get us out. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Pop singer Madonna is in Mexico City as part of her current concert tour called “Sticky & Sweet”. “Sticky & Sweet”? Isn’t that what Madonna calls A-Rod when he’s covered in pine tar? (Jerry Perisho)

Bill Gates said Thursday he wants to help the Obama administration. That’s why today he sent Obama a Mac. (Pedro Bartes)

Bill Gates wants President-elect Obama to approve a wide-ranging stimulus plan to fix the economy. Obama says he had been working on just such a plan, but he lost all the data when his Vista crashed. (Jake Novak)

Mary-Kate Olsen’s publicist says Mary-Kate’s not pregnant, contrary to a report in the National Enquirer. That bulge in recent pictures is what happens whenever she cheats on her diet and eats the olive in her martini.(Paul Seaburn)

Amy Winehouse is said to be working with lawyers to divorce her husband. Apparently, they’ll only need a credit card and a mirror to divide their possessions. (Pedro Bartes)

Britney Spears turned 27 this week. It was sweet, her ex, Kevin Federline, delivered Britney a Dominoes pizza for no charge. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the British tabloids, Amy Winehouse gave her husband a little farewell sex before he went back to prison. He asked for it, because he knew that after that nobody in jail would dare get close to him. What if they caught a disease? (Pedro Bartes)

Police in Europe say they’re suspicious after Winona Ryder, who has been busted in the U.S. twice for shoplifting cosmetics and hair bows, reported the theft of $125,000 in jewelry. The police are suspicious of course because they don’t understand why someone who can’t afford makeup and hair bows CAN afford $125,000 in jewelry. (Patrick Gorse)

EDUCATION

A study says college tuition has risen three times the cost of living. The price tag has many young people rethinking their educational plans. Surely there must be cheaper places to drink. (Alan Ray)

A Southern California calculus teacher says he’s selling ad space on his test papers to make up for a cut in his supply budget. The prices vary according to the student’s score; ads are cheaper if you get an F, because the student won’t show it to anybody. (Pedro Bartes)

RELIGION

According to a new study in “Psychology and Health Journal,” being religious may help extend your life. That’s what they say — deeply religious live longer. In fact, they say some people in the Middle East, now living well into their ’30s. (Jay Leno)

HISTORY

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition. And thanks to Wall Street, today we have the best reason to get drunk in 75 years. (Jake Novak)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A couple was busted for having sex in a public bathroom at the Iowa/Minnesota college football game. The woman involved was married to another man and says the publicity from the incident has ruined her life. Imagine everyone knowing you are an Iowa fan. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Because of a continuing legal battle, Bratz dolls will soon be pulled from toy store shelves. China will double the poisonous lead amounts to all Barbies to make up for the shortfall. (Jake Novak)

An arms company in New Jersey has designed an easy-to-use hand gun for people suffering from arthritis. Is this really a good idea? Guns are already going off in perfectly healthy guys’ sweat pants. I can’t imagine what could go wrong here! (Patrick Gorse)

A.I.G., you know the insurance company who’s getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they’re giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. But they say, “Oh, these are cash awards, not bonuses.” They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid A.I.G. should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they’d be in without these people. (Jay Leno)

HOLIDAYS

Thanksgiving Day grocery sales were reported Friday to have topped last year’s sales, including a spike in Mexican food. Some traditions never change. All over America on Thanksgiving Day families sit down for dinner at the same moment, halftime. (Argus Hamilton)

An eight-ton, 72-foot Norway spruce was lighted at Rockefeller Center as entertainers sang and people cheered. Really, what explains the real meaning of Christmas better than cutting down a century-old wonder of nature and hauling it into a big city to decay? (Jerry Perisho)

Hundreds of artists were asked to submit ornaments for the White House Christmas tree. Laura Bush rejected one calling for her husband’s impeachment, saying it wasn’t in the spirit of the season. She is still mulling over a tasteful orb, covered in chicken feathers, attached with a sticky black substance. (Charles Almon)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a study by Newsweek, office workers are viewing more porn at work than last year. Experts believe this could trigger more lawsuits by disgruntled ugly secretaries that are feeling ignored. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

“Britney” and “Spears” were the most-searched words of the year on Yahoo!, followed by “World Wrestling Federation,” and in third place, “Barack Obama.” I think the lesson here is that Americans are not responsible enough to be using computers. (Jimmy Kimmel)

In a landmark deal that could provide much-needed cash to America’s anemic economy, China agreed today to acquire the naming rights to the U.S. for a reported $1.4 trillion. “We get 1.4 trillion dollars, and all we have to do is change our name to ‘Panda Garden,'” Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. (Andy Borowitz)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

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