WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

An extra second will be added on at the end of the year so that we can stay in sync with atomic time. Wow, even the clocks need a bailout. (Tim Hunter)

Don’t you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt. (Jay Leno)

Wow, was it cold yesterday here in New York. I mean frigid. Ladies and gentlemen, it was so cold Plaxico Burress was packing two heaters in his pants. (Marc Ragovin)

Illinois Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday for trying to sell a seat in the Illinois Senate. He could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Conan O’Brien)

At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. (David Letterman)

Don’t you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they’ll give her all the money. (Jay Leno)

President-elect Obama says Governor Blagojevich should resign. Or, as Blagojevich would call it, “have a going out of business sale.” (Todd Long)

Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what, Illinois is getting a new governor. (David Letterman)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested and charged with trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by Barack Obama. The voters of Illinois are shocked. Thousands of them rolled over in their graves. (Patrick Gorse)

I’m trying to figure out what to buy my dad for Christmas. It’s between a subscription to Sports Illustrated or an Illinois Senate Seat. (Tim Hunter)

In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is lobbying for the role of Tinkerbell in a new Peter Pan movie. Is that a good idea? When Tinkerbell drinks the poison and Peter Pan pleads for everyone to believe in her to save her, I’m pretty sure Paris would be, well, screwed. (Alex Kaseberg)

O. J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day George W. Bush was sworn in as president. (Argus Hamilton)

You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.(David Letterman)

The White House Christmas tree has 25,000 lights on it. When they first turned it on, it had 26,000 lights. But Dick Cheney shot out a thousand of them. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

There’s been another legal effort to force state officials to produce a copy of Obama’s birth certificate. Apparently, some people believe he was born in Indonesia, which is ridiculous because we all know he was born in Jerusalem. (Pedro Bartes)

GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH

“Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he’s sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist. (Conan O’Brien)

People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he was willing to do anything for money. That’s why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country — let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That’s what we do. (Jay Leno)

A new low in dumb! Governor Blagojevich, you knew you were under investigation and you used your own phone. (Stephen Colbert)

You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? “For sale.” I believe that was the sign. (Jay Leno)

The bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there’s no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can’t even pronounce his name. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so rough that Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had to accept an I.O.U. bribe. (Alex Kaseberg)

How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich? (Jay Leno)

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Suddenly Elliot Spitzer hiring a couple of whores doesn’t sound so bad. (Alex Kaseberg)

Governor Rod Blagojevich didn’t show up for work in Chicago on Wednesday. Just his luck, it was national call-in-sick if you’re gay day. He may have to resign as governor of Illinois but he’s leading all polls to be the next governor of California. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, “If he wants to call and talk to me, it’s $4.99 a minute. (Conan O’Brien)

Gov. Rod Blagojevich told the media Monday that they can tape him, that he didn’t mind. And today his lawyers followed his orders and taped his mouth so he would shut up and stop burying himself. (Pedro Bartes)

In what is being called one of the most daring escape attempts in the history of law enforcement, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich on Tuesday offered the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama to the FBI agent who took him into Federal custody. (Andy Borowitz)

An aide to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich says the governor is in his office and everything is “business as usual. That means everything in Illinois is still up for sale. You can manage the Cubs; you can operate the “L”; heck, for $500,000 you can personally inject the grease into Oprah’s gravy I.V. drip. (Jerry Perisho)

Governor Rod Blagojevich’s approval ratings are now down to 8 percent. Amazing. Didn’t know that a full 8 percent of Americans were comedy writers. (Janice Hough)

Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. says he is “Candidate No. 5” in the Blagojevich complaint. His famous father says he is sorry his son is caught up in the scandal — but glad he got a number that’s easy to rhyme. (Todd Long)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption charges. He will become a very proactive state executive. He will not only fix the roads, but also clean up the side of them. (Alan Ray)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI. Prosecutors charged the governor without waiting for a grand jury to indict him. They wanted to take him into custody before he could flee to the lawless tribal area of Pakistan.(Argus Hamilton)

It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can’t go wrong with a good lawyer. (Craig Ferguson)

President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, “I’ll do that if the price is right.” (Conan O’Brien)

Ah, for the good old days, when inmates in prison wrote letters asking, “Pardon me, Governor?” Now inmates ask, “Pardon me, didn’t you used to be Governor?” (Janice Hough)

THE BIG THREE

The Big Three automakers asked Congress for a federal bailout Friday at the exact moment O. J. Simpson begged a Nevada judge for mercy. What did you expect? O. J. Simpson was the last guy to buy a Ford Bronco and it didn’t turn out well for either of them. (Argus Hamilton)

It looks like GM and Chrysler will get a $15 billion “bridge loan” from the government. That should be just enough money for those companies to pay out all their executive bonuses in time for Christmas. (Jake Novak)

So the Senate nixed the bridge loan to the middle of nowhere (a.k.a. Detroit). This is because the Senate doesn’t like the way the Big Three 3 do business. This is like a man coming into the E.R. with a heart attack and Dr. Senate giving him a good lecture about fried foods. (Robt Stupple)

The White House and Congress worked together Tuesday to come up with a federal bailout plan for the Big Three automakers. The idea isn’t polling well at all. Most Americans don’t care who makes the cars as long as O. J. Simpson makes the license plates. (Argus Hamilton)

OBAMA & BIDEN

Earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime all together in one room. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he’s in the Oval Office. He’s kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn’t smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it’s a very rare occasion. (Jay Leno)

THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

Looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. Joe Biden got Vice President. Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State. Bill Richardson got Commerce Secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s White House Christmas party. (Jay Leno)

Obama, it seems, clearly cares,
About our Domestic Affairs,
His course is quite tight,
Appointees? Mostly Right,
Can’t accuse him of putting on Ayers.
(Larry Eisenberg)

Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he’s going to the right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush says he is sorry that the economic crisis is happening. Apparently he wishes he would have done something to prevent it in say, the past eight years. (Jim Barach)

What’s the difference between Jay Leno and President Bush? Leno has a job next year (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush has been taking some criticism for all the species he has tried to take off the Endangered Species list. In his defense, think of all those he has added, like the middle class. (Janice Hough)

According to “The Washington Post,” during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy. (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he is sorry the economic crisis is happening. He says ever since Dick Cheney disappeared he doesn’t have anyone to tell him what he is supposed to be doing. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

We’re not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40 percent. (Jay Leno)

The unemployment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made President Bush really happy until he learned it wasn’t his approval rating. (Pedro Bartes)

A government auditor says there has not been enough oversight for the financial bailout. Of course, if there was any government oversight we wouldn’t need the bailout in the first place. (Jim Barach)

Metal prices have fallen farther than they did during the Depression. The metals most losing their value are nickles, dimes and quarters. (Jim Barach)

McCAIN & PALIN

Palin said she would gladly have bought everything herself, but in Alaska, the governor’s salary of $120,000 a year is paid entirely in fish, which most department stores do not accept. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE CONGRESS

Republicans in the Senate are threatening to block the Detroit bailout bill, not so much because they’re opposed to the loan, but because they need to do something to remind the country that Republicans still exist. (Jake Novak)

Caroline Kennedy asked the governor of New York Thursday to appoint her to the U. S. Senate seat that’s being vacated by Hillary Clinton. The pattern’s clear. The U. S. Senate is now a day care center for the female relatives of legendary sex addicts. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Congressman Vito Fossella will spend 5 days in jail for drunk driving. He will be among thugs, con men, and other lowlifes. And once he leaves Capitol Hill, it’s on to prison. (Alan Ray)

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig on Tuesday lost his appeal in a Minneapolis airport bathroom sex sting case. He lost his appeal a while ago, why do you think he has to pay now for sex? (Pedro Bartes)

Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men’s room. He wanted the plea changed from “guilty” to just “jiggling the wrong handle. (Jay Leno)

Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to withdraw his guilty plea for soliciting gay sex in an airport men’s room. He didn’t know the guy he was trying to pick up in the next stall was a cop. He’d still have a political career today if he had let Bill Gates teach him to surf the Internet instead of charging him with anti-trust. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

D.C.’s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs officials say there will be a lottery for street vendors to work around the National mall on Inauguration day. The winners will get to sell Obama memorabilia; the losers, Bush memorabilia. (Pedro Bartes)

NASA & SPACE

Some more bad news. NASA announced today that we are delaying our mission to Mars until 2012 because of the economic crisis. Yeah. Apparently, the dollar is really weak on Mars right now. (Jay Leno)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

At the UN climate talks in Poland Thursday, Mexico announced it will be developing its own “carbon cap”. Of course, what they were referring to was how long carne asada should stay on the grill. Toxic greenhouse gases aren’t a big problem for Mexico, since most of them drift into the US anyway. (Jerry Perisho)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

According to a new survey, more than one in nine children in the U.S. use herbal supplements or some other form of alternative medicine. The number would be even higher but they decided not to include “have mommy kiss the boo-boo.” (Paul Seaburn)

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. In fact, in Louisiana the only known aerobic activity is chasing your cousin to bed. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Louisiana diet is so bad and full of sugar the average person will get a cavity on their tooth. (Alex Kaseberg)

A study says that name brand heart drugs are no better than their generic counterparts. Mostly because of the relapses suffered when people get their name brand prescription bills. (Jim Barach)

Delaware’s state veterinarian warned Monday of an outbreak of an infectious viral horse disease called Equine Herpesvirus. There’s little anybody can do about it. They could make the horses wear condoms but that would really cut down on the revenue. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months. (Jay Leno)

California has adopted the nation’s most sweeping plan to cut the emissions of toxic gases. They have placed a strict limit on political speeches. If they want to limit toxic harmful gases in Sacramento, they ought to close the doors to the state legislature and seal them shut from the inside. (Jerry Perisho)

Fox News reported Saturday on the drought in California’s Central Valley. It’s destroying this season’s crops of celery and melons and lettuce and broccoli and cauliflower. Next year the farm bill will be named the Supermodel Preservation Act. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Two-time beach volleyball gold medalist, Kerri Walsh, announced she is expecting with a child conceived the night she won in Beijing; sadly, this was not the best news for Walsh’s husband as he did not make the trip to Beijing. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Giants said they would take Plaxico Burress back if he promises not to shoot off anything in his pants again. That’s funny, that was the same condition Hillary gave Bill Clinton. (Alex Kaseberg)

Major League Baseball held winter meetings Monday with recession on everyone’s mind. You think your stock went down. Three months ago baseball players could have signed for twelve million a year and today they’re asking each other what Castro pays. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees have signed free-agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia to a 7-year, $161 million deal. Sabathia is 6-7, nearly 300 pounds and throws a heater. Basically, he’s Randy Johnson without the mullet. (Jerry Perisho)

Alex Rodriguez says that he and Madonna are “just friends.” Of course, he also claims to be a third baseman. (Tim Hunter)

Despite public comments about wanting to be closer to his home in California, C.C. Sabathia ended up taking the big money contract from the Yankees. Maybe because he realized he would still have Octobers off. (Janice Hough)

President Bush attended the 109th Army-Navy game Saturday; there was an awkward moment when the first half ended and Bush proclaimed: “Mission accomplished.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Giants placed Plaxico Burress on the injured list for the rest of the year Monday. He’s perfectly healthy. At his last birthday party he blew out the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign. (David Letterman)

“Four Christmases” has been the top movie at the box office every weekend since Thanksgiving, which is odd, because you’d think people would want to laugh during these tough economic times. (Todd Long)

The movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” was nominated for a Golden Globe Thursday. It’s the story of a man who is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers. (Pedro Bartes)

There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that in his new show on NBC, Jay Leno will play a California Highway Patrol officer with his co-star Erik Estrada, and that the program will be called “CHiNs.” (Patrick Gorse)

Variety said Hollywood will release six Holocaust movies on Christmas Day. That’s in addition to the movie where Tom Cruise tries to blow up Hitler. It sounds like six studio executives made the same deal with God just before their last angioplasty. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Sean Hannity has decided to go it alone, rather than find a replacement for Alan Colmes. Apparently, he’s hoping to win at least 40% of the arguments now that he’s only debating himself. (Pedro Bartes)

For the first time after four press conferences, Obama took a question from a black Fox correspondent. It was high time… Fox got a black correspondent. (Pedro Bartes)

In a move that some industry insiders called a game-changer, NBC announced today that it would cancel all of its primetime programs and air a static image of its peacock logo every night between 8 and 10. Some critics questioned whether viewers would tune in to watch a motionless rendering of a bird for two hours every night, but NBC boss Jeff Zucker called it “a perfect lead-in for Leno.” (Andy Borowitz)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton is lobbying to play Tinkerbell in a new movie version of Peter Pan. In the Paris Hilton version, Tinkerbell would spread pixie dust as well as a troublesome rash. (Conan O’Brien)

Vanity Fair crowned Tina Fey as America’s sweetheart Tuesday based on the popularity of her Sarah Palin impression. It’s becoming just like Nixon. Hollywood liberals hate Sarah Palin unless they are three jokes short and it’s five minutes til showtime. (Argus Hamilton)

A high-ranking Roman Catholic clergyman in Chile criticized Madonna, saying her performance in Santiago has prompted “impure thoughts.” I knew the Yankees were lusting after Madonna, but the Padres? (Jerry Perisho)

In the current issue of O magazine, Oprah Winfrey admits she now weighs 200 pounds. She’s hoping to start losing weight again by giving every person in her studio audience a box of Twinkies from her kitchen cupboard. (Paul Seaburn)

84-year-old actress Nina Foch passed away this week. Besides appearing in “The Ten Commandments,” Nina Foch was the first murder victim in “Columbo.” There was an awkward moment at her funeral when Peter Falk showed up with a court order saying, “Before you complete the burial, I’ve got a few more questions.” (Patrick Gorse)

18-year-old Emma Watson says she would go naked in a movie IF it was the right part. And frankly, for being naked on camera, the right parts are really all that matter. (Tim Hunter)

Sadly, Betty Page passed at 85. Page was ahead of her time as a lingerie model posing in girl-on-girl S&M scenes. Seriously, girl-on-girl S&M with lingerie models, I mean who could even imagine such… a… thing (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And, reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on medicine, are going back to school. “Hey, Grumps gotta eat.” (Joe Hickman)

A study of 30,000 high school students says that U.S. teens lie, cheat and steal at an alarming rate. At least we know where our next generation of bankers, CEOs and politicians is coming from. (Jim Barach)

Michigan’s Department of Education banned schools from giving students an F in any subject Friday. It’s for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they’ll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

HISTORY

Nearly two pounds of a green plant material found in a 2,700-year-old grave in the Gobi Desert has now been identified as the world’s oldest marijuana stash. This beats the previous oldest stash found in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A survey shows 1 in 5 adults play video games every day. If a guy is on “World of Warcraft” 365 times a year, he will usually move to the next level. Assistant manager at Blockbuster. (Alan Ray)

According to a new book by a Canadian business professor, procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world. The author promises a solution in his next book . .. which he’ll start writing as soon as he finds some time. (Pedro Bartes)

HOLIDAYS

George W Bush presided over the lighting of the White House Christmas tree for the last time Thursday. He wanted the biggest ceremony ever and to make this Christmas unique. Unfortunately, his dreams of having a nativity scene at the White House were shuttered because they couldn’t find any wise men or a virgin. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a new scientific research, Jesus wasn’t born in December. Apparently, the Virgin Mary made it up so she wouldn’t have to buy two presents: one for his birthday and one for Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot. (Jay Leno)

Christmas is coming. Biblical historians speak of what Mary and Joseph did with the gifts from the three wise men. They kept the gold and frankincense. They used the myrrh as a re-gift. (Alan Ray)

OTHER NEWS

Houston airport now has karaoke machines people can sing into while they wait for their flight. It’s all part of the airport’s “Lost luggage, delayed flights, and lining up to be frisked are not annoying enough” policy. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

New York ad mogul Donny Deutsch was caught with a woman who’s married to hedge fund mogul Andrew Sandler. The divorce trial will pit two billionaires fighting over a blonde. It’s fair to say that men are like Illinois, they are governed by nuts. (Argus Hamilton)

Compiled by Stan Kegel