MARY KISS MASS

Though I am a hard-headed atheist since the time the infant Rambodoc slipped mischievously from his Ma’s lap and hurt his little head, I have a soft spot for a little head. This soft spot includes celebrating religious holidays like Kiss Mass Day.

Today being accepted by broad consensus as such Day, I went out of my way to ‘enjaay‘ the holiday. To this end, I went into a multiplex armed with a fistful of tickets to a movie about cloning. The movie was called Ghajini. This was about a The Incredulous Hulk clone made into a movie that was cloned from a Tamil clone of an English/American movie.

Except that this desi Hulk does not seem to eat anything to justify his muscles. He just keeps getting whacked in the head, and this seems to stimulate as much Growth Hormone release as claimed by the various supplement companies who live in my Junk folder with the sole purpose of inducing me to buy their wares, to give an additional three inches to my manhood. To which temptation I have never succumbed even when the pickings were short in the lean seasons. If you can understand my tortured metaphors.

To get back to the movie, Aamir Khan’s muscles grow from his brains to his ears, after making a business class round-trip to his legs. When tears cloud his eyes, you can see 58 muscles twitching in tetanic fury. When he gets walloped from the back, you can see the haarmoans pumping up his delts and traps, and he swats mutant Ganjas like a gesticulating Amar Singh in Parliament while denying allegations of bribery. All in all, very impressive. I mean Amar Singh’s escaping those allegations, and more so his great contributions to the poor of the world. Like Bill Clinton.

One thing about this movie is that it seemed to attract all the gays in the city. The guy next to me (he was alone, and this is always a negative feature in a guy, according to my wife) was singing along with Aamir in the song sequences. There were some other (equally single) guys who stood up and clapped when Aamir came out of a BMW, as if they had been paid for that errand. So the general impression from the straight perspective was that “That guy is a gay. Imagine clapping for a guy! I can accept getting the clap from a girl, but this! Fagging gays!”

The morning show started around 10 in the morning, as promised (you know, there is a 10 PM show in the evening, too, but the movie guys took us in the morning, as they said they would). By the time the last punch had landed, Aamir Khan had put on around 300 lbs of lean muscle, and the sun outside had set. We had to make the most of the Great Holiday and left even as the last song was threatening to spill over on to dinner time, with the producers of the movie exhorting us not to leave, and to get every penny of the ticket price back with bonus decibel points. “Thanks so much, but we will be back for the sequel, whenever you find a suitable clone, that is”, we said, and took a much needed toilet break.

I then went down and bought groceries. I will soon drive a couple of hours till the next block where I will, with family pulling the leash, give a gift at a party, and rush back quickly in another two hours so that I can shut my eyes on another great, memorable day.

How was your Kiss Mass Day?

29 responses to “MARY KISS MASS

  1. I heard the movie is long. How much? More than 3 hrs??
    Hilarious review. Maybe Aamir made the movie and showed his body for gays as his target audience!!
    I had plans to go for the movie with 2 friends (my treat) and had arranged for 3 tickets at 30 rs extra each (advance booking) but found the tickets were of 26th Dec so canceled. And am I glad!!!!!

    Reema:
    You will probably go later- peer pressure!

  2. I am, as a friend kindly told me, a statistic in the UK’s worst flu epidemic since 2000. I am telling myself that eating Marc de Champagne truffles will cure me 🙂

    Shefaly:
    Can you smell the chocolate or the alcohol?

  3. Thanks for the hilarious post! We had plans to go on a road trip. Alas, it is canceled. Nonetheless, our friends are driving down from New Jersey to meet us! Merry Christmas Rambodoc 😀

    Merry Christmas, Kiran!

  4. Vivek S. Khadpekar

    @ Shefaly: If you can get rid of the “eating Marc de” and the “truffles” I’d be happy to offer you my spirited and bubbly company 🙂 , flu or no flu.

    Get well soon, and a Happy New Year to you.

    Vivek:
    As I told someone the other day, you overestimate your own influenza!

  5. Wonderful review. Enjoyed reading it 🙂

    Thank you, and welcome to this blog!

  6. First time read a movie review from you doc. Well, it was funny! And hey I loved watching Aamir! But preferably when he had his shirt on! 🙂
    Shefaly, am down with a cold too but hopefully will be okay by tomorrow.

    Nita: This wasn’t really a review, was it? Hope you get better for the New Year’s Eve party!

  7. haha. good review !!

    Thanks, Xylene!

  8. Good review doc!

    My morning’s spent cooking vast quantities of food enough to feed an army (which I eventually will in the next few hours) that by the time I hit the bed tonight, the sight and smell of food will disgust me. Sadly.

    Maybe not. There’s always a silver lining somewhere. I hope.

    Rads:
    Was it all good? Is your cooking appreciated by any other than your family?

  9. hey, good review, seen the english version of it… Memento.. am sure Ghajini isnt copied as well.. but will see it for sure…

    Happy New Year to you

    Hey, Sunita! Thanks for visiting and commenting.

  10. And I thought that you “really” liked the movie. 🙂
    Well, Merry Christmas to you too.
    In the cinema hall, on my left side, a couple was sitting and the girl was constantly slapping the guy whenever he clapped. Now I understand what the reason might be…

    Amit:
    An explanation–Whenever he clapped, his hands got stuck in the claptrack. She slapped him, and hers’ got stuck in slapstick.

  11. I have a soft spot for a little head. lol …. no wonder you like kiss mass day

    Anon: you got it!

  12. pretty enter-staining i guess 😛

    merry christmas 🙂

    Vishesh:
    Thanks and have a great year end!

  13. Movie about cloning, it seems! LOL.

    Now that’s what I call holiday entertainment. Very punny 🙂

    g

    Thanks, g!

  14. As a fellow atheist, I am sooo…. glad that you decided to celebrate the 2010th anniversary of the conjunction of Jupiter and Venus near the star Regulus in the constellation of Leo , by crucifying yourself on the celluloid Ghajini 🙂

    Talking of bongays going gaygay over Ghajini Aamir Khan, what of the millions of Tamil gays who’d kill themselves just to get a glimpse of the original clone Ghajini Rajni Kant?

    TRF:
    Haha! Ghajini, surprisingly, is the name of the villain in the movie!

  15. I now have the song stuck in my head, thanks to the guy who sat next to you.

    Adorable pancreas:
    What a name! My fave organ (inside the body cavities, of course)!! Welcome here!

  16. What a spicy review of Ghajini with very naughty metaphors !!! To be honest even 20+ hrs after watching the movie I am still feeling DizZy…Never expected such mindless iron & steel junk from Aamir. We had a gr8 Xmas night. Currently trying to understand what “N#U” is all about !?!

    Thanks, Sanjay! Hope you have an equally good New Year party!

  17. Thanks for such an interesting review. Actually it is a recycled movie and expecting too much from such a venture is not wise. However Merry Cristmas.

    Thanks for the comment, Pijush! Expecting anything from Hindi movies is too much….

  18. Vivek

    Thanks. Sadly I do not like champagne. When toasting I take one sip and a fortunate person standing next to me is welcome to my glass 😦

    Nita:

    Sorry to hear. Hope you feel better.

    Mine is full-blow flu. It goes full-blown with great speed sometimes within an hour or so which is what happened to me. Such intense body ache that all I can do is lie down most of the day. Fever comes and goes. Now on to a chesty cough. Very irritating. I never even get colds so this is an unwelcome surprise. Good job I am not gallivanting around like last year in Spain. :-/

    Shefaly:
    It must be a really bad flu. You can’t even write ‘full-blown flu’, so I guess….

  19. Shefaly,

    Actually neither do I. I was just exploring the literary device of finding meaning in the absence rather than the presence of words, and the maqta (fortunately without a takhallus) emerged the famous froth.

    Give me a good Bourgogne or Bordeaux any day. It does not even have to be a Grand Cru.

    The fizzy stuff is ok for fizzy occasions but with names like Ruinart ruling the roost, it can hardly be expected to do justice in matters of taste and refinement.

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  21. Hazel,
    What does ‘blog post sponsorship’ mean? That you will pay me for the posts? Hope it is large enough for me to quit surgery!

  22. doc: The family have become immune to my cooking, and only occasionally under extreme duress spill the beans. The cousins on the other hand are polite by choice as they are subject to my cooking on rare occasions.

    Does that answer the question? 🙂

  23. Doc

    And you would be right.

    Vivek:

    I have not yet had the chance to make acquaintance of Ruinart but I have had some great vintage champagnes from Dom Perignon, Bollinger and Taittinger; I can open a bottle perfectly, as it is meant to be opened (not with a bang as many seem to believe); and I always have champagne in the fridge (who knows when life calls upon us to celebrate something?) but I am not a keen alcohol consumer in any form. 😦

    I do think however a good brandy would have benefited my congestion right now. Sadly no can do.

  24. Shefaly,

    If you have the wherewithals in stock, hot water, honey and lime helps with the congestion, though not with the flu per se.

    Er…shouldn’t that read “…not a keen consumer of alcohol in any form” rather than “…not a keen alcohol consumer in any form”? 😉

    About “Ruin-Art”, I don’t know where they stand in the rankings in these days of acquisitions and mergers (they are now owned by LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton SA — quite a suitcase-full, that), but they do carry clout as “the oldest Champagne house, exclusively producing champagne since 1729.” Not being a connoisseur of that particular poison, I would not venture any further opinion, except that the breakup of the name into two syllables speaks for itself. 🙂

  25. Kiss mass day – no kiss , no presents – just my usual day.
    Why would you be partial to pancreas I wonder. Shouldn’t it be the colon or appendix that probably accounts for half your business?

  26. Usha:

    Malfunctioning pancreas eventually lead to far more complexities and dare I say many an amputation opportunities than any other single organ can. I am guessing this is Doc’s reason…

  27. Should be ‘many an amputation opportunity’. Sorry.

  28. Usha, Shefaly:
    The pancreas is an organ with a great penchant for amputating surgical reputation. As I don’t have much by way of this, I decided to take the risk.

  29. Happy New Year, R-Doc.
    My KissMass was good, as I watched a few minutes of this movie on the 26th.
    My sympathies are with you. Even before Aamir entered, Jiah Khan pissed me off acting as a medic. Jiah Khan, for Kiss’s sake! Then Aamir entered with his bubbled up body, and I made my exit. 🙂

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