WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-27-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

So the Bush years are coming to a close. It’s the end of an error. (Jerry Smith)

Congress has given itself a $4700 a year pay raise. They want to make sure that they make enough money so that if a lobbyist wants to bribe them, it will have to be really worth it. (Jim Barach)

When did Mark Tiexeria become Willie Mays, Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle rolled up in one. Oh, I remember now. Right after CC Sabathia became Sandy Koufax. (Mitch Hammons)

In other news, the Yankees signed Prince and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to provide live pre-game music in the clubhouse. (Scott Ostler)

Last night’s studio audience was terrible. I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama says he’s going to get to the inauguration by train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water. (Craig Ferguson)

Apparently there are problems with the cell phone connections from Hawaii to Washington, D.C. President-elect Obama has called several times to President Bush recently asking the first thing he should do upon taking office. And all he hears is Bush saying, “Pardon me?” (Janice Hough)

President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, “You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.” (Jay Leno)

Gov. Blagojevich came out and said he hasn’t done anything wrong, and he isn’t guilty of anything. So that’s the second big snow job Chicago got over the weekend. (Jay Leno)

Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold. (David Letterman)

I was disappointed in some last-minute Christmas shopping. I went to Victoria’s Secret when they promised bras half off! (Steve Denny)

Another Christmas has come and gone. This time of year means exchanging gifts. Thursday you exchange them with relatives. Friday you exchange them with Macy’s. (Alan Ray)

President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit. True to form, each of the Big 3 automakers immediately invested that money with Bernie Madoff. (Jake Novak)

Mark Felt, identified as “Deep Throat” of Watergate fame has died at age 95. When Bill Clinton heard that “Deep Throat” had passed away, he said he didn’t even know Monica Lewinsky was sick. (Jim Barach)

BERNIE MADOFF

Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don’t want to say he’s unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him. (Jay Leno)

Bernie Madoff remained under house arrest after he admitted to swindling fifty billion dollars. It’s not the end of the world. He could get his time in prison reduced for his work as a history teacher, lecturing other prisoners on how the pyramids were built. (Argus Hamilton)

Donald Trump was asked what he thought of the recently arrested Wall Street financier Bernard Madoff. Trump called him a disgrace and a sleazebag. Then Trump asked him to be on next season’s “The Apprentice.” (Conan O’Brien)

Less than a week after Bernard Madoff was arrested for an alleged multibillion-dollar Ponzi scheme, two books about it are already in the works. One is a combination autobiography and self-help book called “I’m O.K., You’re an Idiot for Trusting Me.” (Paul Seaburn)

ROD BLAGOJEVICH

Governor Blagojevich has made his first public comments since his arrest. The governor was quoted as saying, “I have $1 million, $1 million, $1 million. Do I hear $1.5, $1.5, $1.5?” (Todd Long)

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama’s seat any time soon. He says he’s going to wait until next summer when prices improve. (Jay Leno)

It’s not too late for Christmas. It’s not too late. If you’ve got the right kind of money, Gov. Blagojevich can get you moved from the naughty list to the nice list. (David Letterman)

Rumors are suddenly wirling that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may be willing to step down. Apparently he got an excellent job offer as a referee in the NBA. (Patrick Gorse)

BARACH OBAMA

In an interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White house. After hearing this, President Bush said, “I better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.” (Conan O’Brien)

President-elect Obama has been deluged with photographers trying to take pictures of him in Hawaii in the water. To be fair, many of them are just waiting to see if he can walk on it. (Janice Hough)

Barack Obama strolled the beaches in Hawaii on his vacation Tuesday. He didn’t have a chance to miss Chicago. He wasn’t in Honolulu for two days when Governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell his beach chair to Jesse Jackson Jr. for one million dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

A new poll shows President-elect Barack Obama is the most admired man in America, not because of his politics, but because he’s the only guy in the country who still knows he has a job for the next four years. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama gave his third press conference in three days. I don’t think Bush could spell press conference in three days. (Will Durst)

THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama’s team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That’s the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn’t leave office. (Conan O’Brien)

Nancy Sutley has been nominated as head of the Council of Environmental Quality, making her the first openly gay person to serve on the Cabinet. Is that a success for the gay rights movement? Finally out of the closet, and instead it’s into the Cabinet. (Jim Barach)

Democrats are pushing for the appointment of former Federal Reserve Board Chairman Paul Volcker to oversee the auto manufacturing industry. If the 81-year-old Volcker gets the job, look for all new cars to have speed monitors limiting them to 35 mph, turn signals that flash the wrong way, and no headlights because they won’t be driven at night. (Scott Witt)

GEORGE W.BUSH

In a nod to the tough economic times, President Bush told the Treasury Secretary Friday he does not expect a Christmas bonus this year. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush says he’s already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Which means he’s only two years behind most Americans. (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush admits that al Queda was not in Iraq when the U.S. invaded. His response to the mistake was “So what?” Apparently Bush has a future once he leaves the White House as a Wall Street bank executive. (Jim Barach)

President Bush says he didn’t compromise his soul to be popular. Of course he just compromised national security, the economy and the Constitution instead. (Jim Barach)

In a speech this week, President Bush said, “I didn’t compromise my soul to be a popular guy.” Dick Cheney said, “What’s a soul?” (Craig Ferguson)

President Bush issued nineteen pardons Tuesday, forgiving drug dealers and embezzlers and counterfeiters and people who lied to the Department of Housing. That wasn’t the worst of it. He also gave them a seven hundred billion dollar bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

THE OLD ADMINISTRATION

The White House released the annual gift list Monday, showing that Arab leaders gave Condi Rice hundreds of thousands of dollars in jewelry last year. Her timing was good. Now that oil is down to thirty-five dollars a barrel, everybody gets candy. (Argus Hamilton)

CHENEY & BIDEN

Joe Biden and Dick Cheney have been trading insults in the press, you can see why Cheney and Biden don’t get along, they’re fundamentally different, Biden shoots his mouth off and Cheney shoots guys in the mouth. (Alex Kaseberg)

Dick Cheney ripped Joe Biden Sunday for criticizing his expansion of executive power. He said there are no limits on power in wartime. The Founding Fathers should have foreseen that the World Trade Center might not have a back-up sprinkler system. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Biden and Dick Cheney have been trading insults in the press, but I think they are making up; today Cheney asked Biden to go quail hunting. (Alex Kaseberg)

One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats. (David Letterman)

THE ECONOMY

I tell you, the economy’s rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes. (Jay Leno)

The good news is that gas prices are at a 5-year low. The bad news is that this means the oil companies will now ask for a $900 billion bailout. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

U.S. Congressman William Jefferson will be replaced by a Republican next month after he was arrested for having ninety thousand dollars in cash in his freezer. Today he looks like the smartest money manager in America. Just think of all the Jewish charities that would still be solvent today if they’d invested with William Jefferson. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

Let me see if I have this straight… According to the Pro Prop 8 arguments to the California Supreme Court, if the majority of California voters passed a constitutional amendment by a slim majority vote stating “Marriages in California shall be between a man and a women, both of whom are at least 18 years of age at the time of the marriage,” everyone in California who married at 16 or 17 years old would no longer be recognized as married in California, and it would take a two-thirds majority of both house of the legislators and a vote of the electorate to reverse the vote and legalize their marriages. I bet there would be many unhappy Californians who find they are no longer married… and quite a few others who would be very happy about it. (Stan Kegel)

THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on ’60 Minutes’ on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There’s a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen? (Jay Leno)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that his state could run completely out of money in the next two months. His exact words were, “I’ll be broke”. It’s an all-sing: “California, no income, right back where they started from…” (Skip Tucker)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ordering state employees to take two unpaid days of leave each month to help the state’s budget crisis. This shouldn’t affect the Department of Motor Vehicles, where the same amount of work gets done whether the employees show up or not. (Jim Barach)

New York Governor Paterson wants an “obesity tax” on non-diet soft drinks. Instead of cutting the fat from the state’s budget, they’ll try to cut it from tax payers’ behinds. (Jim Barach)

New York Gov. David Paterson is proposing a state tax on soft drinks and sodas. I’m hoping this proposal will fizzle out and lay there flat, until someone finally puts out his cigarette in it. (Jerry Perisho)

THE DEMOCRATS

Did you see Caroline Kennedy in Harlem with Al Sharpton? It was Camelot meets Talk-a-lot. (Paul Seaburn)

New York Congressman Gary Ackerman accused Caroline Kennedy’s promoters Sunday of shielding her like she’s Sarah Palin. It’s unfair. One’s from a dysfunctional family whose kids are all out of control while the other one’s the governor of Alaska. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy went on a listening tour of upstate New York, where she was hounded by reporters about her lack of experience for public office. She’s so miffed. Nobody ever asks Prince Charles or Price Harry about their qualifications. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy had lunch with Al Sharpton at a soul food restaurant in Harlem Thursday. They share a bond. Al Sharpton runs an outfit called the National Action Network, and John F. Kennedy had a little black book called the National Action Network. (Argus Hamilton)

The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Bristol Palin’s future mother-in-law was arrested on drug charges. Friends in Wasilla were caught off guard by this. It was a shock to the whole trailer park.

Sarah Palin’s future in-law Sherry Johnston was arrested on Friday, reportedly for selling crystal meth. Her son’s promised to marry Sarah’s nine-month pregnant daughter. It is good to know that in a state where all the ice is melting you can always make more. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Police across the country say shoplifting is on the rise. Adults are lifting electronics, kids are sneaking away with toys, and banks are walking away with $750 billion in taxpayer money. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A French investment manager who put more than $1.5 billion of his firm’s money in with Bernie Madoff has committed suicide. It’s not clear if he killed himself because he lost the money or because his French bosses found out he was investing with a Jewish guy. (Jake Novak)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Human rights activists are denouncing legislation in Russia that gives authorities the power to label government critics as traitors. Or as we call that here, the “Patriot Act”. (Jim Barach)

IRAQ & IRAN

The Iraqi shoe guy has asked for a pardon from the Iraqi government. He doesn’t want to fight a court case, so he’s throwing in the towel. (Craig Ferguson)

That Iraqi news reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush during a news conference in Baghdad is now asking for a pardon. After all, this is no time to be callous! (Jerry Perisho)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia’s rulers lifted a thirty-year-old ban on movies Monday. They said movies must show good and not violate Islamic law. The first movie they allowed to be shown was Exodus, but they had to run it backwards so it would have a happy ending. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate. I’m glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it’s bad for you. (Jay Leno)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It’s freezing cold today. It’s so cold that Bernie Madoff is looking forward to burning in hell. (David Letterman)

It was so cold in Los Angeles guys were dating Paris Hilton just so they could feel that burning sensation when they peed. (Alex Kaseberg)

A lot of people got stranded in Malibu due to snow. If you thought it took President Bush a long time to rescue New Orleans, just wait till you see how long it takes him to rescue Barbra Streisand. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

The International Olympic Committee could reportedly lose $5 Million it has invested with swindler Bernard Madoff. It’s so bad, the next Olympics may be awarding aluminum, nickel and tin medals. (Jim Barach)

The New York Yankees reportedly signed free agent slugger Mark Teixeira to a one hundred and eighty million dollar contract on Tuesday. He ended up with the Yankees by default. The Angels refused to offer him enough money to wreck Madonna’s marriage. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees have signed first baseman Mark Teixeira to a $180 million contract. With that kind of money, Teixeira’s family will almost be able to afford tickets to Yankee Stadium! (Jake Novak)

Redskins linebacker London Fletcher declared himself the “Susan Lucci of the NFL” after getting passed over for the Pro Bowl for the 11th year in a row’ His highlight reel career can be seen on ‘Plays of Our Lives.’ (Jeff Funnekotter)

The now 4-11 Seattle Seahawks knocked the New York Jets out of the playoffs Sunday. While this was satisfying to the team, for most of the frustrated Seattle fans it’s just lipstick on a pigskin. (Janice Hough)

Argentine soccer player Gaston Aguirre killed a pigeon when he kicked a ball into a flying flock during San Lorenzo’s 2-1 win over Tigre in Buenos Aires.The referee ruled it a drop ball. (Dwight Perry)

Police serving a search warrant in Hamilton, Ohio, say they confiscated two 11-pound packages of marijuana and another 7-pound box of the stuff mailed to ex-NBA forward Corie Blount. Or as he’s now known in the evidence room, Corie Blunt. (Dwight Perry)

Luo Deyuan, 21, of Guiyang, China, pulled a one-ton car with a rope fastened to his eyelids, Ananova.com reported, and claims 23 other tricks, including lifting two buckets of water with his eyelids, stopping electric fans with his tongue and walking on sharp blades. He’s compiling quite a body of work. (Richard Oliver)

ENTERTAINMENT

Jim Carrey stars in a new movie where he can only say yes. That’s better than “Liar Liar” where he played a lawyer who told the truth. That’s about as believable as Mel Gibson playing a rabbi. (Craig Ferguson)

Oprah’s production company, Harpo, has signed a deal to create original programs for HBO. They already have their first project underway: The “Opranos.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Good news for the Disney Channel. They’re going to Russia. They’re going to be broadcasting from Russia. Which is great news for Sarah Palin — she’ll be able to see it from her house. (Craig Ferguson)

Reverend Pat Robertson blasted the Bush administration in a CNN interview this week. He’s wasting his time with the 700 Club. Any guy who thinks that hurricanes are caused by Gay Day at Disney World should have his own show on the Weather Channel. (Argus Hamilton)

NBC News anchor Chris Matthews reportedly decided Monday to stay on television and not run for the U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. He doesn’t have what it takes to win a statewide election. Once you’ve said on national television that Barack Obama makes you feel a thrill up your leg, you can pretty much write off the rural counties. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Barack Obama’s inauguration is coming around. Oprah says she not only plans to attend, she is currently looking for a house to buy in Washington, D.C. She reported that she found a nice little cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (Conan O’Brien)

Oprah Winfrey booked the Royal Suite at the Four Seasons in Washington for the Inaugural weekend at a cost of fifteen thousand dollars per night. She won’t like it. The hotel is so exclusive that television stars have to use separate drinking fountains. (Argus Hamilton)

A thief broke into Paris Hilton’s house, when she was gone, and ransacked her bedroom; it marked the first time a stranger was in Paris’s bedroom but not in Paris. Paris got the last laugh, just by going through her underwear drawer, the thief caught a nasty sexually transmitted disease. Just kidding, Paris doesn’t have an underwear drawer. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton’s house was burglarized of jewelry Friday, and within days a nearby model’s home and a publicist’s home were burglarized for jewelry. It’s the economy. Repo men in Hollywood dress up like burglars to allow the stars to keep their dignity. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s jewels valued at 2 million dollars were stolen in a house burglary. She thought she had them in a place no one would think to look. A box marked “Hollywood Achievements”. (Alan Ray)

RELIGION

Pastor Ted Haggard will talk on HBO about getting fired by his church after he got caught smoking crystal meth with a male hooker. His congregation was livid. They were paying him enough to be doing cocaine and they want to know where the money went. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Toyota announced their first loss in 70 years. The head of Chrysler called them and said, “Don’t worry — you get used to it.” (Conan O’Brien)

Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It’s a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money. (David Letterman)

Compiled by Stan Kegel