(This article was written for the New York Times but David Pogue couldn’t take the competition, so he got the story assassinated. RIP.)

You want to buy the iPhone because you want to look hip? Or because you actually think it is the coolest accessory for anyone wanting to be taken seriously? Or because it is arguably the ultimate mobile device for man or woman?
Sorry to say this, but these reasons are now as passé as bell-bottom pants. You may be amazed at some of the reasons for which people are using and buying the iPhone. Hitting the top of the charts is the wildly popular iFart Mobile (“There’s something in the air” is their line), which, hold your breath, creates fart sounds on your iPhone (for 99 cents). Apparently, you can distract terrorists by suddenly letting your iPhone rip one out behind a jehadi (if you are near one), thereby scaring the shit out of him. Critics are sniffing at the sound quality of this app, and are pointing to rival app Pull My Finger, which has fallen off the popularity charts. In fact, the creator of the iFart has already sold $100,000 of his product already, says Silicon Alley Insider. What next, people ask, an iBelch or an iVomit?


An audacious new app is ‘I am a Man’. Innocuous though this sounds, this app helps you keep track of your partner’s menstrual cycle and mood. Not only that, you can keep track of the periods of several girlfriends. To top the audacity of this, even if your girl accidentally opens your list, she will find only her name, as the other names are hidden and password-protected!
User reactions have ranged from outrage to good-natured chuckles. Some have even regretted not having this application before, as it has cost them the odd relationship. Clearly, this is an application for a uber-modern society.

What next, we ask? Ideas have already come in: an iFake (one that recreates a noisy female orgasm) seems to be a hot suggestion, in more ways than one! After these, the Flirt Tester (you and your girl put your thumbs on the screen, and the iPhone tells you whether you are in for true love or a one-night stand!) and the Love Letter (it creates a romantic letter for you based on what you choose as your basic template for the occasion) look right down primary school stuff. An application similar to the latter is the imaginatively titled app called ‘I Love You’ which helps you create romantic emails and gives your pathetic love life that much needed edge!

If you and your partner are not having a stable relationship, maybe your communications with each other needs to improve. Designed by a ‘PhD Relationship Expert’ this, ‘Gps Talk’ is an application that shows you ways where you and your partner need to improve to take your relationship into more convivial territory.
In more ways than one, the iPhone is finding a place deep in the personal lives and bedrooms of users. The world of the iPhone is changing, and so are we!

Postscript: As a Mac fan, I am very disappointed with the iPhone: it is way too primitive in non-web, non-media applications like sms, camera, etc. You can’t send a group sms, and if you get a call while writing an sms, your message disappears! Plus many other suck-worthy points.

13 responses to “THE NAUGHTY IPHONE!

  1. few more reasons why not to buy it 🙂

  2. Vivek S. Khadpekar


    Saw your latest opus during a short break in an ongoing e-flirtation with the wife, who is currently out of town (“distance lends enchantment…” etc.). We are unanimous in giving it a thumbs down, and think you should devote your energies and your genius to developing something called iBS. 🙂

  3. iShudder.

    For a minute I thought it was a figment of your iMagination; was appled, er…appalled to see the links.

    I’m sure there’s more to it than meets the i.


  4. Vivek:
    “We are unanimous in giving it a thumbs down, ”
    The blog post, or the iPhone, or both?
    The truth, the whole truth….
    That comment was better than the post, though that in itself does not mean much!

  5. “This article was written for the New York Times but David Pogue couldn’t take the competition, so he got the story assassinated”

    I’m guessing this is meant as a joke. But just to be clear–none of it’s true. I’ve never seen this writeup before, I welcome competition, and I would never have the power to have anything killed.

    Just to be clear. 🙂


  6. David Pogue:
    Thanks for visiting and commenting. You have made it clear, as I have in placing this post in the ‘humor’ category.
    I am thinking of writing a post on the Pope now, my readers will be blessed to be in the same page as him. As for me, your visit is no less than the Pope’s!

  7. iAmOverit, and thank god I am over the iPhone Drama. I was very shamefully a part of it.

  8. Camera phones are not allowed in my office, so I have a 1700 Rs Sony Ericsson at my disposal. 😦
    No Iphones for me and am I glad!!! 🙂

  9. Chirag, Amit:
    As far as I am concerned, the lesser money you spend on these gadgets, the better.

  10. You forgot iBeer. The app that fills the screen with beer and you just sip it slowly dips in the level as you tilt. So many time pass apps 🙂

  11. …i can’t believe i was part of the i phone fever too…but thankfully never bought one….! 🙂 amazing post…sooperhilarious!! 😀 😀

  12. To all the past, present and future “disappointed”:

  13. Danny:
    Hahaha! Very clever post, and thanks!

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