WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush, would make a great President. If Jeb Bush does become President, the White House would have seen more Bush than, well, when Clinton was there. (Alex Kaseberg)

Las Vegas oddsmakers installed USC as a 2 ½-point favorite over Texas and the Florida-Oklahoma winner by 7 ½ over Utah in next week’s football Final Four semifinals … And then the blasted alarm clock went off. (David J. Wardell)

The F.D.A. has approved a new drug that will give people longer eyelashes. Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer research. (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton is being considered to replace his wife as a senator of New York, making it the first time Bill is interested in Hillary’s seat. (Pedro Bartes)

Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it’s not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money. (David Letterman)

A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right, Middle East, a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world? U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Conan O’Brien)

Hustler’s Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” are asking for $5 billion in federal bailout money. Speaking of federal money going to those doing lewd acts, when does Larry Craig start drawing his pension? (Jerry Perisho)

The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members. Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but also the border. (Pedro Bartes)

How shocking was the much-maligned Pac-10’s 5-0 record in bowl games? That’s like turning on the television on election night,and finding out Ron Paul is ahead. (Brad Dickson)

According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you have to see those who manage the country’s economy. (Pedro Bartes)

Lynn Tucker got a late start on her boxing career, but she has a great excuse. The 30-year-old mother of seven, set to debut in Friday’s local Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl, stated “I’ve always wanted to do this, but I’ve been pregnant my entire adult life. I got married when I was 18, and I’ve been pregnant ever since. The factory’s closed.” (Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail)

Democrat Al Franken has defeated the incumbent US Senator from Minnesota Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Wow, what a close vote! You know what Minnesota needs? They need a Rod Blagojevich to help streamline the election process. (Jerry Perisho)

THE PRESIDENT’S LUNCHEON

President Bush invited Obama and all the living ex-presidents for lunch. It was quite uncomfortable when President Bush refused to sit at the kids’ table. (Pedro Bartes)

Regarding Obama’s lunch with the presidents, apparently it was a great success, with all of them sharing their favorite Oval Office memories. There was only one awkward moment, when Carter told Clinton, “Bill, too much information.” (Janice Hough)

George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress. (David Letterman)

Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, “Don’t you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?” (Jay Leno)

And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward because Barack Obama didn’t have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common. (Jay Leno)

So Bill Clinton liked Bush’s rug. Hey, if you recall, Bill said the same thing when he met Donald Trump. (Patrick Gorse)

PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA

Barack Obama’s Hawaii vacation compound was ringed Monday by Palestinians who are angry about his support for Israel. You can imagine their disappointment. Not only is he the first black president, he’s the first guy named Hussein to back Israel. (Argus Hamilton)

On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama was chastised by evangelicals when he skipped church on Christmas Day. He was unable to reply. He was at a Honolulu cathedral posing for a ceiling all day and having to listen to the artist shouting at him to keep his finger pointed. (Argus Hamilton)

Earlier today, Barack Obama’s daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama told CBS’s 60 Minutes that he fully expects to be criticized by the media when things go wrong during his presidency. No administration was ever perfect. It didn’t take long for comedians to figure out that President Bush had no control over his generals and that President Clinton had no control over his privates. (Argus Hamilton)

This is kind of cool. In Washington, the National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. Yeah. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama’s presidential limo was reported Tuesday to be an armored Cadillac hybrid made in Detroit. It’s a new first. History will record that Barack Obama is the first black man to ride in an armored Cadillac limousine without his own record label. (Argus Hamilton)

THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he’s starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school. (David Letterman)

The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good because he’s kept Larry King alive all these years. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton’s hearings to become Secretary of State begin next week in the Senate. She’ll have no problem being objective in the wars between the Palestinians and Israel or India and Pakistan. She treats all donors to her husband’s library equally. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

They asked President Bush what his New Year’s resolution was and he said, “Well, sure, our government needs work but there’s no reason to start a resolution.” (Jay Leno)

Counterfeit money arrests are at a five year high. Apparently there is one group in particular that is printing all kinds of worthless money. The U.S. Treasury. (Jim Barach)

A Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that only eighteen percent of Americans will miss President Bush when he leaves office. I didn’t know there were so many comedians in the US. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush’s advisers say his administration never recovered from Hurricane Katrina. If they think Bush has never recovered, they should check out New Orleans sometime. (Jim Barach)

Laura Bush has agreed to write her memoirs. There will also be a talking book version for George to enjoy. (Scott Witt)

First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, “Honey, I love you so much I’ll write five, six, or seven words.” (Jay Leno)

First Lady Laura Bush signed a book deal Monday for her memoirs to come out next year. She plans on doing a special version for her husband, where the pictures aren’t already colored in. (Tim Hunter)

It was an exciting first day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new gold-rimmed official state china. It cost $493,000, but don’t worry. It was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she’d been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as President. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That’s President Bush, isn’t it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren’t any. But if there were, by golly, here’s what it would be. (Jay Leno)

THE OLD ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I mean, look at the guy. Cheney gets driven around in a limo, he’s surrounded by body guards, shot a guy in the face — he is a rap star. (Jay Leno)

Vice President Dick Cheney said Wednesday that he’s gotten a bad rap in the press and that he is actually “a warm, lovable sort.” In fact, he said he had just remodeled his dungeon of torture to include fuzzy throw pillows and the smell of freshly baked cookies. (Jerry Perisho)

THE ECONOMY

U.S. home prices for the past year in October dropped 18%. Which means that people who have been foreclosed may now actually be able to afford to buy the homes they lost. (Jim Barach)

In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, “Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.” (Conan O’Brien)

Many people are reportedly cutting back on skipping their medications because of the bad economy. To which the Bush Administration says it’s just another victory in the war on drugs. (Jim Barach)

The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe. (Jay Leno)

SARAH PALIN

Photos of Sarah Palin’s grandson have been bought by People Magazine for a reported $300,000. That makes the baby almost wealthy enough to buy an Illinois Senate seat. (Jim Barach)

Former vide presidential candidate Sarah Palin told people magazine that her 18-year-old daughter Britstol, who has just given birth, is working her butt off to be a mom and going to school at the same time. Actually, if she had worked more the butt, she would have avoided the pregnancy. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

Congress got an automatic forty-seven hundred dollar pay raise Wednesday which they voted for themselves in the last budget. It’s no surprise. You knew this was coming last year when all five hundred and thirty-five of them signed with Scott Boras. (Argus Hamilton)

Senate Democrats denied Roland Burris the vacated Senate seat of President-elect Barack Obama of Illinois. In solidarity, Larry Craig immediately offered Burris to seat him on his lap for the rest of the season. (Pedro Bartes)

It looks like Roland Burris will be allowed to join the U.S. Senate after all. Like most groups of 80-year-old men, the existing senators felt kinder after they took their medication and had a nap. (Jake Novak)

Unemployment is up again, especially if you’re the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work. (Jay Leno)

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he may try to seat Al Franken early. To which Senator John Cornyn says no one should be seated who has had votes counted twice. Which pretty much would remove all congressional members from Illinois, Florida and Ohio. (Jim Barach)

Al Franken has been declared winner of his race in Minnesota once again insuring the U.S. Senate will be 100 percent full of comedians. (Will Durst)

Al Franken can still be a senator and on SNL — no not Saturday Night Live but Senate Nuisance Live! (Gil Stern)

Democrat Al Franken was declared the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota. Republicans in the state are expected to keep contesting the election until hell freezes over or Minnesota thaws out, whichever comes first. (Paul Seaburn)

NBC’s Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken was declared the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota Monday pending appeal. The comedian can keep the job for six years and he doesn’t have to get one laugh. It’s the same deal the cast of Friends had. (Argus Hamilton)

The largest single religious group represented in Congress is Catholics at 30%. Although that still pales in comparison to the largest overall group of old, white, rich men. (Jim Barach)

One reason we know that Governor Blagojevich wouldn’t have tried to sell the seat to 71-year-old Roland Burris. He would have had to offer him a senior discount. (Janice Hough)

THE STATES

California banned text-messaging while driving Thursday. It is already illegal to use the cellphone while driving a car. Under California law you cannot use your hands for any kind of communication while driving unless it’s to squeeze the trigger. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

The city of New York has given up luxury boxes at the new ballparks of the Mets and Yankees. It means officials will have to use the same restroom facility as any other patron. The subway. (Alan Ray)

The crime rate in New York is up. Murder is up 5%. But here is a good tip, if you are visiting New York and you want to avoid getting shot, stay away from Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE DEMOCRATS

Senator Hillary Clinton pushed the countdown button to drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve. That’s how she ran for president. Last year she dropped the ball so many times the NFL just named her an honorary member of the Detroit Lions. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy ran into opposition to her Senate bid from New York Democrats Sunday. They say she’s uninspiring, inarticulate and unfamiliar with issues. The only thing that’s saving her political career is that Tina Fey looks nothing like her. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy was reported Monday to have the inside track for the New York U.S. Senate seat. She no longer sounds inarticulate on television. She’s doing a lot better ever since she brought in Julie Andrews to dub her voice during interviews. (Argus Hamilton)

Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.” That would explain the Klingon helmet hair.(Jay Leno)

Ya gotta love that Governor Blagojevich. Although arrested, he is still acting as if nothing happened. In fact, just the other day he called the legislature into session for his annual “State of My Hair” address. (Marc Ragovin)

THE REPUBLICANS

Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know? (David Letterman)

George Bush Sr. recently said he’d like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, “Eight years ago.” (Conan O’Brien)

George H.W. Bush says Jeb could be President someday. Dude. Have the common human decency to wait till the first of your progeny finishes screwing up. (Will Durst)

The elder President Bush wants his son Jeb to run for the White House. The former Florida governor is not a “uniter” like his brother. He actually has some supporters. (Alan Ray)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

You know who got scammed in that Bernie Madoff scandal? Former New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer. And you thought it cost him a lot of money to get screwed before? (Alex Kaseberg)

Bernie Madoff’s security was doubled around his Park Avenue apartment Thursday where he’s under house arrest. They’re looking everywhere to find where he hid all the money. It’s the first colonoscopy ever performed by a certified public accountant. (Argus Hamilton)

Ten days before his arrest, Bernard Madoff received $250 million from a 95-year-old investor. This reveals another part of Madoff’s scam: get money from people who will probably forget they gave it to you. (Jake Novak)

THE MILITARY

President-elect Obama says he has changes planned for the military, including the full acceptance of gays. No more “don’t ask, don’t tell,” just an open acceptance. Of course, military leaders will have to drop certain commands like “bringing up the rear” and “fall out.” (Tim Hunter)

The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he’s at Wendy’s ordering lunch. (David Letterman)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Police in Mexico chased down a woman who got up and fled from a wheelchair that she normally begs from. She can’t afford a lawyer so she’s hoping to find a bishop who will declare the incident a miracle. (Paul Seaburn)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Iran’s Ayatollah Khameni promised a martyr’s entrance to heaven for any Muslim killed fighting Israel in Gaza. He said martyrs are greeted by seventy-two virgins in heaven. That’s what you have to do to recruit an army when the GI Bill isn’t enough. (Argus Hamilton)

Relief organizations say their is a possible health crisis in Gaza because of the failure of the sewage system. But the BBC, CNN, and al Jazeera insist they’ve been continuing to pump sewage out of Gaza with no interruption. (Jake Novak)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Police in Australia are looking for a guy who breaks into sex shops and has sex with blow up dolls. Police suspects the guy must be really good, because so far none of the blow up dolls has wanted to testify. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A nationwide salmonella outbreak has struck 42 states, including Illinois. People there are actually relieved. Finally, there is something making them throw up besides state politics. (Jerry Perisho)

New laws in five states now mandate fire-safe cigarettes. Smokers will benefit from the regulation. They can now develop emphysema without worrying about getting hurt. (Alan Ray)

Scientists studying the rise in ocean levels will use a robotic yellow submarine to dive under an ice shelf in Antarctica. The researchers will first spend a week practicing to get the song out of their heads. (Paul Seaburn)

Seven elephants at the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park have lost a total of over 11,000 pounds since going on an exercise and nutrition program in 2000. It hasn’t been cheap, though. A treadmill for an elephant costs $20 million. A Stairmaster: $40 million. (Jerry Perisho)

A 27-year-old woman in London found out that she actually has two complete set of female reproductive organs. Her husband said he always suspected that, especially considering how she behaves that time of the month. (Pedro Bartes)

SPORTS

After having to endure watching the Lions post the first 0-16 record in NFL history, doesn’t another season of “Biggest Loser” seem a bit redundant? (Dwight Perry)

Putting the Red Wings’ 6-3 win at Wrigley Field in perspective: “The Wings have now won more games outdoors this season than the Lions have.” (Steve Schrader – Detroit Free Press)

Candace Parker will miss the upcoming WNBA season because she’s expecting her first child this spring, the L.A. Sparks announced. Upon arrival, the child is expected to immediately put one footprint on a birth certificate and the other on a 2027 Tennessee letter of intent. (Dwight Perry)

The NHL suspended Ottawa’s Jarkko Ruutu for biting a player. This kind of ridiculous behavior is not tolerated by the league. Rather, fans come out to see good, professional fisticuffs. (Jim Barach)

The NHL suspended Ottawa’s Jarkko Ruutu two games for biting the thumb of Buffalo’s Andrew Peters during their game Tuesday night, and puck purists were stunned. No, not at news of the suspension — the fact a hockey goon actually had enough front teeth to bite with. (Dwight Perry)

Matt Millen was fired as the GM of the Detroit Lions. Detroit became the only city in the history of sports to ever throw a parade for someone who was fired. Millen was then given the key to the city. What Millen didn’t know was that all the locks were changed first. (William Hale)

Thousands of people around the country jammed into theaters to see the BCS championship game in 3-D Thursday night. You know, there is nothing like the reality of seeing a football player spit at an opponent and thinking that some of his saliva might actually get on you. (Jerry Perisho)

Brett Favre returned from retirement and after a tough season received a prestigious award. The coveted “12th Man for the OTHER Team Award.” (William Hale)

New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Thursday he wants Brett Favre back next year. The quarterback wept at his press conference Sunday, saying he doesn’t know if he will be back. The actors aren’t even on strike yet and already we are in reruns. (Argus Hamilton)

Injury update on San Diego State Aztecs basketballer Kyle Spain’s bum ankle: “Pain in Spain is mainly a sprain.” (The San Diego Union-Tribune)

Major League Baseball Network debuted Thursday by airing NBC’s broadcast of Don Larsen’s World Series perfect game fifty-two years ago. They included the original TV commercials, which was a great idea. Encouraging smoking could save Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

Rep. Henry Waxman says steroids remain a big problem in the sport of professional wrestling and he wants the federal government to do something about it. In other news, all of the real problems in the country have apparently been fixed! (Jerry Perisho)

Houston’s Memorial Hospital removed Roger Clemens’ name from the Roger Clemens Sports Medicine Institute Monday. They can’t ignore the steroids charge. To make it up to him, the hospital just re-named its Underage Country Singers Institute after him. (Argus Hamilton)

Step aside, SI cover jinx, and make room for AP. Associated Press award winners Mike Smith of the Falcons (coach of the year), Peyton Manning of the Colts (MVP) and Chad Pennington of the Dolphins (comeback player) came up losers in the first three NFL playoff games. So what’s next, the AP Kiss of Death Award? (Dwight Perry)

The Oklahoma Sooners and Florida played for the national title. They’re both party schools. So it’s possible the winning team may not remember it. (Joe Hickman)

Putting George Karl’s 900th NBA coaching victory in perspective, when Karl picked up his first win in 1984, Nuggets forward Carmelo Anthony was 6 months old. (David Moore)

A skier at Vail’s Blue Sky found himself hanging upside down — with his pants around his knees — from a high-speed lift for about 15 minutes after a boarding mishap on New Year’s Day. Apparently he suffered nothing more than exposure — from the snapping of tourists’ camera phones. (Dwight Perry)

ENTERTAINMENT

Oprah Winfrey’s show about her recent weight gain was the third-highest rated episode of the season. And today NBC announced a special with Rosie O’ Donnell, Al Gore and Michael Moore. (Pedro Bartes)

Marley and Me starring Owen Wilson is a hit dog movie which leaves kids crying at the end. It’s a bad year for kids. Parents are dragging them to a movie where the dog dies just to take their minds off the fact that they have lost their college fund. (Argus Hamilton)

Tom Cruise received rave reviews in Germany Thursday for his portrayal of Nazi war hero Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler. The German critics were all prepared to hate his performance until he showed up onscreen. He had them at Heil. (Argus Hamilton)

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise was pulled in some cities Tuesday due to its poor box office showing. The movie never had a chance. The producers knew it wasn’t going to be a hit on opening weekend when they saw customers in the lobby buying popcorn to go. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. Charles was arrested because, as he told police, he ran a stop sign in a hurry to see a woman who was really good at oral sex. Or as most guys would call that: a justifiable trivial traffic incident. Let him go. (Alex Kaseberg)

Charles Barkley was cited for drunk driving in Scottsdale Friday. He told cops he was in a hurry to meet a hooker. He’s always said he wants to run for governor of Alabama someday and everyone figured he is just padding his resume to be a politician. (Argus Hamilton)

Former Phoenix Suns player Charles Barkley was arrested in Scottsdale on suspicion of DUI. That wasn’t the only bad news; he also lost $2,000,000 to the cop that arrested him after betting on the number of the alcohol level he was going to get on the breathalyzer. (Pedro Bartes)

CBS Sports NFL analyst Bill Cowher made it clear Sunday he won’t return to NFL coaching next year. He says he likes the television lifestyle. Coaching in the NFL is nice, but when you have your own make-up artist you look ten years younger. (Argus Hamilton)

Remember Joe the plumber? A conservative website is sending Joe the plumber to Gaza as their war correspondent. Because who better to explain the complex issues surrounding a war that’s been going on for forty years than an unlicensed plumber? (Jimmy Kimmel)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton said she plans to have babies within the next two years. She is already holding daily tryouts. (Pedro Bartes)

Singer Michael Jackson has signed a one-year lease on a Bel Air mansion for $100,000 per month. Wow, and the neighbors thought the real estate crisis had devastated their property values! (Jerry Perisho)

“Twilight” stud, Robert Pattison, told the media that up until he was 12, his sisters used to dress him as a girl. Apparently, after 12, he learned to do it himself. (Pedro Bartes)

NBC hired Matt Millen to call the Super Bowl after the Detroit Lions fired him as general manager. He ruined the franchise with eight years of losses. Trusting Matt Millen to analyze football is like naming Bernie Madoff to be Treasury Secretary. (Argus Hamilton)

Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. He will still be doing some drilling, but not in the oil fields anymore. (Pedro Bartes)

Matt Dillon was ticketed for driving a rented Chevrolet Impala 106 mph in Vermont. His defense is easy. What jury will believe a GM car was capable of going 106 mph? (Jim Barach)

Madonna was named the top ticket-selling concert act in the world on Wednesday as she and director Guy Ritchie finalized their divorce. He bought her a gorgeous diamond necklace on her birthday and she hasn’t talked to him since. That was the deal. (Argus Hamilton)

An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse, a guy named Alex Haines, says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. That’s pretty bizarre, don’t you think, smoking crack for breakfast? Although surprisingly, nutritionists say it’s still better for you than Pop-Tarts. (Jay Leno)

Celebrity Food Network chef Bobby Flay is getting his own radio talk show. If you can do a cooking show on the radio, there’s still hope for my radio mime theater. (Paul Seaburn)

Filmmaker Ken Burns is adding a 10th part to update his highly acclaimed 9-part “Baseball” documentary. However, only those with big-screen TV’s will get the full effect of Barry Bonds’ head. (Jerry Perisho)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The latest industry to hit up the government for a bailout: the U.S. PORN industry. They say that if they don’t get a government bailout, hard times could mean fewer hard times ahead. (Tim Hunter)

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and “Girls Gone Wild” C.E.O. Joe Francis plan to ask Congress for $5 billion to bail out the porn industry. Flynt says the situation’s so dire, the Big Three — Bill Clinton, Charlie Sheen, Clarence Thomas — won’t make it to the end of January. (Marc Ragovin)

A small town in Maine is considering a petition to turn a former motel into a topless coffee shop. The planning board’s only problem is with the name: Starbuck-naked. (Paul Seaburn)

An uproar has broken out in the small Maine town of Vassalboro, where a topless coffee shop wants to open. How do you serve coffee in a topless coffee shop? Very carefully. (Tim Hunter)

BUSINESS & LABOR

GM promised to spend bailout money to offer credit to car buyers Tuesday. They must make the cars fast and sexy again. The last time Oprah Winfrey waved a set of Pontiac car keys at her crowd, they threw cream pies at her and she fell off her diet. (Argus Hamilton)

Most retailers have loosened their return policies for holiday gifts. It’s not clear if the store managers are doing that for economic reasons, or simply because they don’t want to get trampled to death. (Jake Novak)

An Air New Zealand Airlines flight was able to fly on a mixture of jet fuel and vegetable oil. In fact it’s the same mixture they use for their in flight salad dressing. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Bill and Hillary Clinton began the countdown in Times Square on New Year’s Eve by pressing the button. The temperature was zero degrees with icy wind. Every time the Clintons stand next to each other it pushes global warming back another ten years. (Argus Hamilton)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new poll by the Guttmacher Institute, about one out of three teenagers expressed regret about the first time they had sex. The other two got the A the teacher promised. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a new study by Fritha Milne, from the University of Western Australia, younger sisters tend to lose their virginity earlier than first-born girls do, usually with the boyfriends of the oldest sister. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a survey, one in three women has faked an orgasm. The other two have faked the answer. (Pedro Bartes)

Researchers in Japan have just discovered that young people who miss their breakfast tend to lose their virginity earlier in life. Apparently, they need to make up for the lack of eggs and sausages in the early morning. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

QVC says it will be in Washington, DC and will be selling Obama souvenirs as a part of the inauguration later this month. They are even selling the “McCain-Palin Remote Control Campaign Car”. It isn’t very much fun though, because you can never get it out of first gear. (Jerry Perisho)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09

  1. and you want me to be tre 449,908 sucker?
    ach, i did it!…
    http://danmihalache.wordpress.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s