WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-24-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Every single TV network was covering the inauguration except Fox; they’re still doing a recount. (Jay Leno)

Obama’s getting things done fast. In two days he’s taken as many oaths of office as Bush did in eight years. (Doug Austen)

Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Amazingly enough, even with two million people on the mall, there were no arrests in D.C. Not that were was no crime. After all, Congress was still in session. (Will Durst)

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That’s the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner. (Jay Leno)

President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief Justice forgot to make him say the word faithfully. Everyone had the same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath there’d have been no grounds to impeach him. (Argus Hamilton)

For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer. (Will Durst)

President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range. — A place where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course. (Joe Hickman)

In his inaugural speech, Barack Obama promised change but that every person in the US is going to have to sacrifice and work hard for it. To which every person in the US said; “Whoa. When we said we wanted change we didn’t mean we wanted to have to do anything.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the fittest president in history. Do you know who our second fittest president was? Bill Clinton. He once did fifty push ups in a row. And that was just on one intern. (Alex Kaseberg)

The most successful Olympic product pushers of all time: 1) Decathlete Bob Mathias, Wheaties cereal. 2) Gymnast Mary Lou Retton, Energizer batteries. 3) East German women’s swim team, Colonel Conk’s Moustache Wax. (Dwight Perry)

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I’m not asking for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone. (Alex Kaseberg)

LeBron James’ being will be on the cover of the February issue of GQ magazine. Meanwhile, NFL star Plaxico Burress will be on the cover of Guns & Ammo. (Jerry Perisho)

THE INAUGURATION & THE TRANSITION

How big was Obama’s inaugural? It was an event of such Olympic proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast. (Janice Hough)

Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time. (Craig Ferguson)

China censored parts of President Barack Obama’s inauguration speech. They still didn’t censor as much as Fox news. (Pedro Bartes)

The Inaugural Parade today will feature volunteers following the horses to pick up their manure and make it into fertilizer. It’s very rich this year. Between the sulfates, the nitrates, the hope and the change, this stuff will grow crops on a rock. (Argus Hamilton)

The Chief Justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully. (Jay Leno)

President Barack Obama was re-administered the presidential oath by Chief Justice John Roberts Wednesday. Now Sarah Palin claims that he can’t be re-elected because the first day counts as the Obama’s first term. (Pedro Bartes)

One story you may have missed: Senator Dianne Feinstein, who emceed the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday, accidentally mispronounced a word. She announced that the Chief Justice would execute the Oaf of Office and two Secret Service agents jumped in front of President Bush to save him. (Argus Hamilton)

Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to. (Jay Leno)

And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn’t that supposed to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law? (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States on the Capitol steps despite the cold. He said he wanted the ceremony outside no matter what the weather. He is not going to start his administration by betraying his people, smokers. (Argus Hamilton)

V.P. Dick Cheney was confined to a wheel chair at the inauguration due to straining his back packing. Let that be a lesson to you: always drain your water board before lifting it to pack it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Obama staffers found antiquated computers with almost unusable software in the White House offices. Though they were happy to report finding the Oval Office equipped with the latest updated version of Etch-A-Sketch. (Bill Williams)

There’s a website called MyInauguralPhoto.com where you can make it look like you were at the inauguration. Perfect for Eliot Spitzer, ‘cause you know, he never left the hotel in DC. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know, we have never had an African-American president. We’ve had a Dutch-American president; we’ve had an Irish-American president; we’ve even had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American. (Jay Leno)

During his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, “Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama’s ego is getting a little bit inflated. The other day he renamed his inauguration dinner the First Supper. (Bill Williams)

President Obama got his new limousine. It has all the latest technology, although they did take out President Bush’s favorite piece of technology, the PlayStation. (Craig Ferguson)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton got a warm welcome from all of the department employees on her first day on the job. That’ll change the day she comes in and fires all of the cute, chubby female ones. (Paul Seaburn)

Joe Biden’s wife let it slip on Oprah Monday that her husband was offered both the vice presidency and Secretary of State. Hillary must be annoyed. She was the Democratic party’s second choice for president, she was Barack Obama’s second choice for Secretary of State, and she only sees her husband when she pays his speaking fees. (Argus Hamilton)

Treasury Secretary nominee Timothy Geithner apologized to Congress today for not paying his taxes. And Wesley Snipes said: “Why didn’t I think of that? Hey, I’m sorry.” (Jay Leno)

Despite his income tax misdeeds, Timothy Geithner is the new Treasury Secretary because the White House needs his ability to manipulate the economy. Following that reasoning, there should be an even bigger job for Bernie Madof. (Scott Witt)

Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a “careless mistake.” He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that’s great. So the guy who’s going to be in charge of the I.R.S. is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent. (Jay Leno)

Today was Joe Biden’s first full day as Vice President. Yeah, advisers say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair. (Conan O’Brien)

EX-PRESIDENT BUSH

!t’s silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don’t know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then. (Craig Ferguson)

To his credit, George Bush worked hard, 24 / 7 – 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. (David Culbreath)

President Bush gave his farewell address last week. Let’s hope he doesn’t give a forwarding address. (Doug Austen)

During President Bush’s farewell address, he said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right. (Jay Leno)

George W. Bush proclaimed that he had not tarnished America’s relationships with foreign governments. As if to underscore the point, when his plane took off for Texas, Canada sent a 21-geese salute. (Janice Hough)

President Bush gave his final speech as president last Thursday night on national television. He told viewers that our country needed to remain on constant guard, knowing that those who would do us harm are among us. But, enough about the oil companies! (Tim Hunter)

President Bush gave his farewell speech last Thursday, asking that we remember what he did over the past 8 years. Oh, I’ll remember every time I look at the balance of my 401K. (Tim Hunter)

President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you. (Jay Leno)

George W. Bush says he’s going to write a book so people can understand some of the tough decisions a President is called upon to make. Proposed title: “Heads or Tails.” (Jerry Perisho)

The Bushes will be taking very few pieces of furniture with them when they leave the White House today. However, the President insists on taking his race-car bed. (Todd Long)

Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday. There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which failed twenty years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank God George H.W. Bush isn’t the collection agent for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago. (Argus Hamilton)

U. S. AIRWAYS

New Yorkers are still amazed, they haven’t seen a jet fall that fast since Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

You just know it was a US Airways flight — even the folks with only carry-on lost their luggage. (Steven Bellovin)

Thursday is the anniversary of the 1973 Supreme Court decision known as Roe v. Wade. Today, Roe versus Wade more accurately describes the dilemma facing passengers trying to leave a US Airways jet. (Jerry Perisho)

The Secret Service is reassuring Americans that should a “bird strike” occur, Air Force One is also equipped for water landings. At which point Obama will simply walk to safety. (Janice Hough)

U.S. Airways sent five thousand dollar checks to each passenger aboard the airliner that landed safely on the Hudson River last week. Some people never learn. Half the people put the money right into the stock market and got killed in Tuesday’s crash. (Argus Hamilton)

Since their jet crashed into the Hudson last week, US Airways has made some notable changes. First, jetways will now be called gang planks; next, every aircraft will be fitted with a deep foghorn; and finally, their jets will have glass bottoms, making it easier to spot fish and engines that have just fallen off. (Jerry Perisho)

U.S. Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger was asked to attend the Inauguration after he became a national hero in New York Friday. He belonged at the inauguration of Barack Obama. This gives us one guy who walks on water and one guy who lands on it. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson River after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That’s opposed to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to pay a $25 retrieval fee for each checked bag. (Jake Novak)

Witnesses say a flock of birds flew into the engines and brought the plane down. The incident is prodding the incoming Obama administration to turn the Guatanamo Bay prison into a restricted bird holding sanctuary. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY

President Bush’s eight years are being called the weakest economy in decades, with few gains. Apparently “trickle down” economy means watching all our money trickle down the drain. (Jim Barach)

Some members of Congress want conditions on the Obama stimulus plan, including a rule that the money should be used to buy only American products, which would be nice if we made anything in America anymore. (Jake Novak)

Some Beverly Hills homeowners affected by the bad economy are renting their houses to be used as sets for porn movies. They can make as much as $2,000 to $3,000 a day, or call it even if they want to be part of one of those movies. (Pedro Bartes)

THE STATES

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger this week delivered his State of the State address. It was a serious, sobering speech — a speech that got about the same number of laughs as “Kindergarten Cop” and “Twins” combined. (Jerry Perisho)

LOCAL NEWS

Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn’t really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways. (Conan O’Brien)

THE DEMOCRATS

Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!” (Conan O’Brien)

So Carolne Kennedy reportedly has some tax and housekeeper issues. Of course this disqualifies her for the Senate. Treasury Secretary on the other hand … (Marc Ragovin)

In the running to be named Senator from New York, Caroline Kennedy abruptly withdrew her name from consideration. Rumors say she may have pulled out because of some tax problems. That means she can’t be a Senator, but she is highly qualified as an Obama cabinet member. (Jerry Perisho)

THE REPUBLICANS

It was quite a weekend in Washington, D.C. Republicans are scarcer than US Airways executives at a fundraiser for the Audubon Society. (Janice Hough)

Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is his legs have turned back to hooves. (Jimmy Kimmel)

This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon. (Jay Leno)

How do you know the 2008 election is really over? Because John McCain is causing trouble for Republicans again.

NASA & SPACE

NASA scientists say large clouds of methane on Mars prove there is life on the plane, and probably a Taco Bell. (Todd Long)

IRAQ & IRAN

On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I’m so glad that’s all behind us now. (David Letterman)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The United Nations agency that runs a school in Gaza admits to employing members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad. Said a spokesperson, “But they’re just so darn good at teaching the kids basic wiring.” (Todd Long)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il threatened to attack South Korea Wednesday and warned the United States to stay out or face destruction. He claims that he has missiles that can reach Los Angeles. It’s true, if he launches them from Santa Monica. (Argus Hamilton)

The spiritual leader of Tibet has asked his followers to ring bells to celebrate the inauguration of the new president. The event will be an “Obama; Lama, ding dong” (Jon Nerrs)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13. (Conan O’Brien)

SPORTS

The long-downtrodden Arizona Cardinals are playing in Super Bowl XLIII. And in a related story, meteorologists predict Arctic temperatures will finally rise out of the teens today in Hell, Mich. (Dwight Perry)

The N.C.A.A. now allows basketball programs to look at seventh-graders. Some of the recruitment visits are awkward. Coaches hang out with them at the mall and pretend not to like girls. (Alan Ray)

On the NCAA allowing coaches to recruite seventh-grade players: “At least they’re waiting till the kids can tie their own Nikes.” (Steve Schrader)

Poultry distributors are warning of a sharp shortage in chicken wings this Super Sunday. As a result, 75% of the nation’s bar room barf moppers are being laid off. (Jake Novak)

New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment by his male ex-driver; not to get into details, but leave it to a Knick to come up with a new way to suck. (Alex Kaseberg)

I’m not saying new Jets coach Rex Ryan is a chubby fella, but I don’t think the team is in danger of going over the celery cap. (Marc Ragovin)

In Southern California, the city of Industry, with its 84 registered voters, approved a bond for $150 million in improvements for a 600 acre site proposed for a pro football stadium. I wonder if those are the same 84 Southern Californians who’d bought season tickets to the Rams. (Jerry Perisho)

One big difference between football and hockey: After the Baltimore Ravens’ Willis McGahee took a vicious hit from the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Ryan Clark in the AFC final, players kneeled down and prayed. In the NHL, three guys would have jumped Clark. (Gary Loewen)

I don’t want to say new Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson played for a lot of teams, but when he’s inducted he’s going in wearing a Southwest Airlines hat. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

NBC announced it’s renewing “30 Rock,” “The Office” and “The Biggest Loser.” It’s also considering combining the shows about New York, a sleazy boss and a loser into one show called “The Eliot Spitzer Story.” (Paul Seaburn)

Fox has a new TV series out called “Lie To Me.” It’s a Bernie Madoff sales course on how to interact with your best investment clients. (Jerry Perisho)

Movie critics are raving about “Slumdog Millionaire.” It’s a “rags-to-riches” story. In today’s economy there aren’t too many rags-to-riches stories. Who can afford rags? (Toms Lake Humor Company)

A new movie opened — “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” It’s about trapped miners. That’s why Michael Jackson saw it three times already. (Craig Ferguson)

“Outlander” is in theaters this weekend. An alien space ship crashes into the fjords of ancient Norway. Sounds like this week’s sermon at Tom Cruise’s church. (Alan Ray)

A high number of semi-professional singers are contestants in the latest “American Idol.” So is one of the judges. (Todd Long)

ABC’s “Lost” has begun a new season. After several years, the passengers of a wrecked airline all come to the same realization. They shouldn’t have taken US Airways. (Alan Ray)

The new season of “Lost” kicked off tonight. If you haven’t seen it, “Lost” is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It’s based on the true story of the Republican Party. (Craig Ferguson)

The show “Dancing With the Stars” trying to get Cindy McCain on the program. How about that? Not to be outdone, John McCain’s been offered a part in the show “Bones.” (Jay Leno)

For the first time, the Miss America pageant will allow viewers to pick four of the top 15 contestants for the finals. Here’s another first: millions of senior citizens are learning how to send text messages. (Paul Seaburn)

CELEBRITIES

Renowned American painter Andrew Wyeth is dead at the age of 91. His spokesperson, Christina, confirmed the news saying, “Mr. Wyeth bought the farm.” (Patrick)

Boy George will spend 15 months in jail for false imprisonment of a male escort. The courtroom bailiff said he was a very cooperative inmate. He even asked if he could keep the handcuffs. (Alan Ray)

Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend 23 year old Kendra Wilkinson admits she cheated on him. She was looking for someone with a little more stamina than the 82 year old Playboy founder. Like someone who could stay up past 8:30. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION

A study says that U. S. students are scoring higher in math. Apparently teachers are getting them into working with bigger numbers by having them solve problems based on the Wall Street and automakers bailout plans. (Jim Barach)

Officials at the University of Buffalo say students in some of the dormitories are making more careful food choices after the cafeterias got rid of the trays. Not surprisingly, a number of students switched their majors from English to juggling. (Paul Seaburn)

RELIGION

A Florida priest is guilty of stealing millions from the church. Parishioners suspected a lavish lifestyle by his Communion. “This is the blood of Christ, a 1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild. (Alan Ray)

HISTORY

Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday. There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which failed twenty years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank God George H.W. Bush isn’t the collection agent for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago. (Argus Hamilton)

Archaeologists now believe many homes in classical Greece doubled as brothels. What was the term for the couple who did not engage in sexual acts in those houses? Married. (Alan Ray)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A 22 year old San Diego woman is auctioning her virginity. So far the highest bid is $3.7 Million. People are shocked. not by the money, by the fact there is a 22 year old virgin in California. (Jim Barach)

Newsweek reports that the breast implant business has collapsed along with SUV sales and jumbo mortgages. It’s inter-connected in Los Angeles. It looks like we won’t need the jumbo house or the extra large car to get the breasts through the door. (Argus Hamilton)

My kids are so addicted to their computers that when I took them to the library they didn’t know what it was. So I told them it was Google Classic. (Jerry Smith)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don’t worry — you’ll still be able to get the unleaded. (Jay Leno)

Chrysler and Fiat are reportedly in partnership talks. Talk about different vehicles. One is a car very few Americans have bought. The other is from Italy. (Alan Ray)

J. Crew was swamped with orders for the peacoats Barack Obama’s daughters wore to the Inauguration. This recession will be over in a month if we can just get the girls to wear Buicks to the State of the Union. (Argus Hamilton)

Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months –more than 5 percent of its work force. Just in time for the government’s program to retrain the unemployed for computer jobs. (Joe Hickman)

So Citigroup is selling Smith Barney to Morgan Stanley, breaking up its “financial supermarket.” Insiders said it was either “Clean up on aisle 6!” or “Clear out in Chapter 11!” (Robt Stupple)

CNBC business news reports that Barack Obama sports merchandise and collectibles sales hit two hundred million dollars Friday. Everything with his face on it is selling. General Motors just can’t decide whether to put it on the doors or the hood. (Argus Hamilton)

Warner Brothers says it will cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. Sylvester the Cat is offering to do his part by eating Tweety Bird. (Jake Novak)

This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next “Batman” movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side. (Conan O’Brien)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-24-09

  1. Pingback: Bush Bashing | ~ Valar Morghulis ~

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