WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The trouble with the economy is that we’re operating in the red while hoping to get money out of the blue. (Gil Stern)

I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high. (David Letterman)

If we learn anything from the current confirmation hearings, it is that we could significantly reduce the national debt by routine audits of senators, congressmen and other elected officials. And why not add CEOs and other executives of major corporations to that list? (Stan Kegel)

Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high ranked politicians have a brother than taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy, and Jeb his brother George (Pedro Bartes)

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)

You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. (Craig Ferguson)

According to a CNN survey, almost 50% of office romances lead to marriage. The other 50% lead to job promotions. (Pedro Bartes)

Beleaguered Citigroup, which had secured the naming rights to the Mets’ new ballpark for the next 20 years, is reportedly thinking about backing out of the deal. Assuming there’s no penalty for early withdrawal. (Dwight Perry)

US Airways is now charging $7 for a pillow. That’s sort of high considering they get their goose feathers for free. (Norm M)

Mothballed basketballer Stephon Marbury hasn’t played a minute for the Knicks this season but is still collecting his $21.9 million salary — or nearly as much as Serena Williams, the highest-paid women’s athlete in history, has made in her entire career. Just think,Serena plays tennis, but Stephon has the bigger racket. (Dan Daly)

Republican Senator Jim DeMint says the White House will “create crisis” and “panic” to push President Obama’s stimulus bill. DeMint says creating crisis and panic should only be used in order to start a war. (Jim Barach)

Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds. To which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.” (Jay Leno)

Nancy Killefer withdrew her nomination to the Obama administration because of tax problems. Running from a job over taxes — in Washington this is becoming known as the 100-yard Daschle. (Doug Austen)

A California woman who already had six kids gave birth to octuplets after taking fertility treatments. Fertility treatments for someone with six children? Isn’t that like giving a laxative to someone who has just eaten at Taco Bell? (Jim Barach)

A Florida couple paid $155,000 for a clone of their dog that died. Those people need to be spayed and neutered. (Bob Barker)

THE CONFIRMATION HEARINGS

Former Sen. Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination to head the Department of Health and Human Services. So now, the President has to find a Democrat who has paid all of his or her taxes. So far, no Republicans have volunteered either. (Joe Hickman)

HHS nominee Tom Daschle paid up one hundred and forty grand in taxes after his returns were examined Monday. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paid up thousands after he was vetted. The only thing scarier than getting a letter from the IRS saying you are getting audited is a letter from the White House saying you’ve been nominated. (Argus Hamilton)

All day Monday, Cabinet nominee Tom Daschle apologized to the Senate Finance Committee for failing to pay $120,000 in federal taxes. When he filled out his 1040 form, he thought $10.40 is what you’re supposed to pay. Hey, it’s an honest mistake. (Jerry Perisho)

I was stunned by the Daschle story because we don’t expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. No, we expect Democrats to cheat on their wives. That’s how this is supposed to go! (David Letterman)

Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothing. (Jay Leno)

Nancy Killefer withdrew her name for White House ethics enforcer Tuesday after unpaid taxes and liens on her house in Washington came back to haunt her. It’s a shock. Usually when a woman keeps a house in Washington it’s a sex scandal, not a tax scandal. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Judd Gregg of New Hampshire is to be the newest member of President Obama’s cabinet, surprising many people who hadn’t thought of Gregg as a tax cheat. (Scott Witt)

Question of the day: So how come not paying taxes disqualifies you from being Secretary of Health and Human Services, but not from being Secretary of the Treasury? Maybe if Geithner had cheated on his medical insurance? (Janice Hough)

Tom Daschle paid up his back taxes Tuesday as did Treasury nominee Tim Geithner and ethics nominee Nancy Killefer before she withdrew. It’s starting to add up. If Americans can stay patient, Barack Obama will balance the budget one nominee at a time. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes. (Jay Leno)

President Obama signed a law Wednesday that offers government health insurance to four million more poor children. It’s much needed. Thanks to all the unregulated Los Angeles fertility clinics, California now grows more poor children than oranges. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama sets maximum pay for executives. He also claims he can get Amtrak to run on time. (Bill Williams)

President Obama labeled the U. S. economy a continuing disaster Friday. His press secretary said the doomsday tone is necessary to pass his programs. He tried to promote hope and change and a brighter future but he couldn’t get it through Congress. (Argus Hamilton)

Pres. Obama signed a bill Wednesday that provided health coverage to 4 million uninsured children. It’s a $33 billion expense. That’s $1 billion for doctors and nurses, and $32 billion for tootsie pops made by Halliburton. (Jerry Perisho)

President Obama agreed to sign a bill giving people without cable TV forty-dollar coupons to buy digital converter boxes before the deadline. A lot of people don’t want Barack Obama to give them a converter box. They like the religion they have. (Argus Hamilton)

In taking the blame for the Daschle cabinet debacle Tuesday, an embarrassed Pres. Obama admitted publicly, “I screwed up. “An out-of-breath Bill Clinton burst into the Oval Office and shouted, “Don’t let her keep the dress!” (Jerry Perisho)

President Obama’s younger brother George Obama was busted by Nairobi police in his native Kenya Friday for marijuana possession. He’s living in a shack with no mortgage and he’s high. Now that’s the Obama who should be making our decisions for us. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton got a big laugh at her swearing-in ceremony on Monday when she looked at Bill and thanked him for a lifetime of all kinds of experiences. Amid the laughter he turned beet red. We know nothing embarrasses him so he must’ve been angry. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said those leaders all had an “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3 a.m.? (Janice Hough)

THE ECONOMY

President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes. (Conan O’Brien)

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, “500 million Americans lose their jobs.” I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain. (Jay Leno)

It’s bad here in California. The unemployment here is the worst it’s been in 25 years. Here’s how bad the unemployment situation is in Hollywood. Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale. (Craig Ferguson)

MICHAEL PHELPS

Michael Phelps said he was sorry he used a marijuana bong, then ate his medals. (David Letterman)

USA Swimming, the sports national governing body, has suspended Olympic star Michael Phelps from competition for 3 months as a punishment for being photographed smoking marijuana from a bong. Phelps said, “I accept this reprimand; now, could you pass me the Ding Dongs and Yoo-Hoo, because man I am starving.” (Jerry Perisho)

What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog-eating championship. (Janice Hough)

Kellogg’s dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesman after he was photographed using a bong. So let me get this straight, a guy was fired for using marijuana by the maker of Pop-Tarts? (Janice Hough)

Dozens of companies are canceling their endorsement deals with Michael Phelps after he was caught smoking marijuana, except for Taco Bell, which is now giving him a $10 million bonus. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

A bipartisan group of senators Thursday were going “line by line” through the economic stimulus bill trying to reach a compromise to cut some spending from the package. Then, they can enjoy a nice, friendly, bipartisan brawl over who gets most of the tax cuts. (Joe Hickman)

The U.S. Senate working late through the night trying to make a compromise on the stimulus spending plan. Although it’s not clear if they’re really working on the stimulus or just double checking their recent tax returns. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Because of the state’s huge budget deficit, 90% of California state employees have been placed on furloughs Friday. They do not report to work; they do not get paid. They will spend the entire day napping, scratching or texting their friends. In other words, it’s like any other Friday. (Jerry Perisho)

Illinois former governor Rod Blagojevich became a national star last week during his battle to keep his job. He was thrown out of office for trying to get money he never actually got. That explains the incompetence count in the articles of impeachment. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Hey, listen to this — according to “The Wall Street Journal,” the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn’t make the city look tacky. (Jay Leno)

The California woman who recently had octuplets—bringing her total number of children to 14—says she plans a career as a television child expert. Though it seems to me any child expert’s first piece of advice would be, “Don’t have 14 kids.” (Todd Long)

The woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, Nadya Suleman, gave her first interview to NBC News. She said she wanted a lot of kids to escape loneliness. I’m guessing she won’t be lonely again for about 40 years. (Jerry Perisho)

THE DEMOCRATS

It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayers’ money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas. The Democrats say the time was used for strategic planning for the country. So, the resorts are being used for strategic planning. Really? Then what is the Capitol building for? Hello?! Hello?! Isn’t this work? (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Man, here’s something chilling. Former Vice President Dick Cheney is now warning that there will be another terrorist attack. He got that information by waterboarding himself. (David Letterman)

Analysts studying the audio-tape of Dick Cheney’s interview attacking Barack Obama say it’s either an attempt by the former vice president to rationalize his possibly illegal behavior while in office, or the pilot to a new Fox TV series, “Dick Cheney: Tales from the Crypt Keeper.” (Patrick Gorse)

How about that Dick Cheney? He’s out of office, but he’s still chomping at the bit. You know what I’m talking about? Daschle embarrasses Obama so today Obama gets a call from Cheney, “Hey, let me waterboard him” (David Letterman)

One of the senators resisting President Obama’s stimulus package the most is John McCain. Apparently, McCain’s biggest problem with the package is it’s not written in a larger font. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin is back in the news. She’s been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them “pathetic.” Apparently she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians, unless the unknown person is running for vice president. Then it’s all right. (Craig Ferguson)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The FDA began a criminal investigation Saturday into the salmonella poisoning from peanut butter products from the American Peanut Company in Georgia. Salmonella causes diarrhea and vomiting. Skippy’s thinking of marketing itself as a weight-loss product. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon will spend $4.7 billion on public relations this year. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just blow up the countries that hate us? (Todd Long)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is celebrating his 10th year in power. Political pundits say he has the next election all locked up. Along with most of his opponents. (Alan Ray)

The Caribbean island nation of Antigua announced Wednesday it will rename the highest mountain on the island Mount Obama. It’s entirely appropriate. After all, Barack Obama is America’s first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sold one of his paintings, a window inside a Russian log, for $1.2 million during a charity auction in St.Petersburg. The window is beautiful and if you pay close attention, you can even see Palin’s house on the other side. (Pedro Bartes)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iran successfully launched its first satellite into orbit, which circled the earth for a couple of days. Reaction was instantaneous. Raytheon salesmen were on the next plane to Tel Aviv with a scale model of their new Satellite Shooter Downer. (Argus Hamilton)

Iraq held local elections Saturday as Sunnis voted for the first time. Security was tight and everyone who voted left the polls with a purple ink-stained finger. If Minnesotans were this careful with their elections they would have a senator by now. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Commercial airline crews reported more than two dozen emergency incidents due to collisions with birds in the past two years. Today, Southwest unveiled its latest technological advance in bird repellents: scarecrows on top of the engines. (Pedro Bartes)

SPORTS

What action at the Super Bowl. The grunting, the sweating, the violent collisions. Wait, that was Bruce Springsteen. (Marc Ragovin)

Super Bowl fans in Tucson had the game interrupted when a porn movie suddenly appeared on screen, showing a woman putting her hands down a man’s pants. Referees immediately called the woman for holding. (David Letterman)

Manny Ramirez turned down a twenty-five million dollar one-year offer from the L. A. Dodgers on Monday. His options are dwindling. He wanted a job in the Obama administration but he’s completely paid up on his taxes and that killed his nomination. (Argus Hamilton)

When the Arizona Cardinals returned home to Phoenix Monday, 4,000 fans waited at the airport to greet them. There would have been three-times that many except that the local cable station was broadcasting free porn.

Retired college basketball coach Bob Knight said in a radio interview that he might return to coaching if the right opportunity presented itself. Meanwhile, over at the Univ. of Georgia, custodians started nailing, then Velcroing, and finally Super-gluing team chairs to the floor. (Jerry Perisho)

Steelers linebacker James Harrison intercepted a Kurt Warner pass at the end of the second quarter and returned it 100 yards for a touchdown. It was the longest play in Super Bowl history; I’m not kidding, it must have taken him 5 minutes to run 100 yards. (Jerry Perisho)

Now that the Super Bowl is over there are no basketball playoffs anytime soon, baseball hasn’t started, there is nothing going on and there is nothing to look forward to for a long, long time. It’s like President Bush is President again. (Alex Kaseberg)

Joe Torre ignited a firestorm among his old New York Yankees team when his new tell-all came out last week. He reveals who likes who, who hates who, and who has a crush on who. It is so adolescent even the pictures in the book are yearbook photos. (Argus Hamilton)

On the Bellflower, Calif., woman who gave birth to octuplets last week: Eight kicking, screaming southern California babies? Throw in a washed-up pitcher and you’d pretty much have the Dodgers. (Jerry Perisho)

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in the running for Pac-10 commissioner, The Seattle Times reported. So what’s next — Dick Cheney for compliance director? (Dwight Perry)

Deion Sanders was blamed in a new book for breaking up the Dallas Cowboys’ last dynasty. The trouble started when he brought religion on the team. A religious civil war broke out between the guys who worship strippers and the guys who worship cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

Swim superstar Michael Phelps issued a carefully worded apology Sunday after a British tabloid published a picture of him at a party puffing from a marijuana bong. Or as it’s known in five-ring circles, Going for the Acapulco Gold. (Dwight Perry)

Citigroup may back out of its $400 million deal for naming rights to the new Mets stadium. Citi executives realized that if they really wanted to spend $400 million on a losing team, they should just give themselves another bonus. (Jake Novak)

Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt said he was stunned when he got a Super Bowl post-game call on his cellphone from President Obama. He said nobody has his cellphone number. It’s a creepy way of finding out you’re on the terrorist watch list. (Argus Hamilton)

Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez and former wife Cynthia have officially split the sheets. Or as divorced big-leaguers call the divvying-up of marital assets:. 500 bawl. (Dwight Perry)

After Manny Ramirez turned down offers of $45 million (two years) and $25 million (one) from the Dodgers: Question: Are Ramirez and Scott Boras hitting off the same bong as Michael Phelps? (Jeff Schultz)

Beijing’s $450 million, 91,000-seat Bird’s Nest stadium that served as the focal point for last year’s Olympics now sits empty with no permanent tenant and needing $8.8 million in annual upkeep. Who could’ve guessed the nesting bird in question would be an albatross? (Dwight Perry)

Tucson-area football fans watching the game on Comcast cable saw 10 seconds of pornographic material during the fourth quarter broadcast of the Super Bowl. Comcast is apologizing, the FCC is investigating, and 50,000 more people in Tucson are getting cable. (Jake Novak)

ENTERTAINMENT

The ratings for this year’s Academy Awards are expected to be very low because hardly anyone has seen the Best Picture nominees. Also not helping — the prospect of seeing Mickey Rourke in high-definition. (David Letterman)

The Grammys will be given out Sunday night. Despite being nominated, the Jonas Brothers are not expected to fare well. Most critics predict they’ll walk away empty headed. (Alan Ray)

In the new film ‘The International’, an investigator explores the dark world of dubious banking practices. Crazy and unimaginable things happen. Like, the bank accepts government bailout money and then plans to take employees on a 12-day jaunt to Las Vegas. (Jerry Perisho)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Comcast has reportedly agreed to offer $10 to any subscriber who was offended by the 30 seconds of porn that showed frontal nudity in a channel in Arizona. That is, 1$ an inch. (Pedro Bartes)

The woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, Nadya Suleman, gave her first interview to NBC News. She said she wanted a lot of kids to escape loneliness. I’m guessing she won’t be lonely again for about 40 years. (Jerry Perisho)

CELEBRITIES

Jessica Simpson’s family says her recent weight gain is the fault of her stylist. Apparently she ate him. (Todd Long)

The blanket with arms, the Snuggie is everywhere. Paris Hilton got a Snuggie, but she couldn’t figure out the directions. (Alex Kaseberg)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. He should know better: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Thousands of Americans stood in line for up to three hours for a free $5.99 Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s, which works out to two bucks an hour, or about what they pay their bus boys. (Will Durst)

Wall Street companies reported giving out eighteen billion in bonuses Thursday. It’s awful. No one wants to say the bonuses are obscene but this month’s centerfold in Hustler shows the spread between Wall Street’s salaries and the rest of the country’s. (Argus Hamilton)

Wall Street C.E.O.’s are pretty upset about President Obama putting a $500,000 cap on executive pay for firms that take government bailout money. Things are so bad, a modeling studio in Manhattan is having a half-price sale on trophy wives. (Paul Seaburn)

U.S Airways flights will start charging 7$ for pillows and blankets on domestic flights. They know that we all need pillows, because we need something to bite while we’re getting screwed by the airline. (Pedro Bartes)

Pledging to take “the air out of golden parachutes,” President Obama has announced that executives of companies receiving federal bailout money will have their pay capped at $500,000 under a revised compensation plan. Which means now, to maintain their standard of living, every bank president will be forced to find a second job as either a power forward, a TV evangelist, or a bookie. (Joe Hickman)

Doctors say that sperm banks are actually doing well because of the bad economy, because it is the only investment that guarantees some growth. (Pedro Bartes)

Exxon Mobil announced record profits Friday. They made forty-five billion dollars last year. Oil companies used to be the villains, but now that they’re the only industry in America that doesn’t need a bailout, they’re entitled to an apology and maybe reparations. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

Valentines Day is near and if you are thinking about a gift for your loved one, you can’t go wrong with a Snuggie, the blanket with arms. Because nothing says you care more than a gift that says; “I think you’re too stupid to operate a regular blanket.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Monday in Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. And then he crawled back on top of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s head. (Jerry Perisho)

While visiting a city-owned zoo, Mayor Bloomberg stuck his hand in a groundhog’s house and was bitten. Later he vowed to eradicate all large rodents from municipal housing. (Jim Rose)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new study conducted at the NYU Stern School of Business, people enjoy TV more when they watch the commercials, especially if you’re watching NBC, where people really need a break from some of the bad shows. (Pedro Bartes)

The winner of the Swedish Pizza Championships was a pie topped with ostrich fillet, mango, chili and fresh coriander. The pizza itself is pretty healthy, but there’s 8,000 calories in the side order of ostrich wings. (Paul Seaburn)

Compiled by Stan Kegel