WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There’s an exciting new concept to lower the unemployment rate. If you’re over 45, you’re not unemployed; you’re on “early retirement.” (Robt Stupple)

President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic. (Jay Leno)

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for. (Jay Leno)

On Tuesday, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking drugs. Barry Bonds called A-Rod and advised him, “Don’t go getting a big head!” (Jerry Perisho)

Ah, spring training. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Now Senator Burris is putting out another story of how he got picked by Blagojevich. No wonder folks look at him as if he’s a crook; he’s a second-story man. (Gil Stern)

Alaska officials have told Governor Sarah Palin she owes back taxes on the thousands of dollars she received in state per diem funds while living at her home in Wasilla. You know what could be next: Yep, a cabinet post in the Obama administration. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama says the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Local libertarians are proposing the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. Congressmen would not need to worry about their income as it would be adequately provided by lobbyists. (Stan Kegel)

“Dancing with the Stars” has chosien Lawrence Taylor as a contestant. Do not — I repeat, do not — tell him to go break a leg. (Frenchie McFarlane)

That’s the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things. (Jay Leno)

The country is suffering a nationwide nursing shortage. There is only one way to fill the nursing gap; Salma Hayek. She’ll nurse anybody. (Jerry Perisho)

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, here’s the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail. (Jay Leno)

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn’t work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STIMULUS BILL

Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole. (Jay Leno)

President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Congress passed the $800 Billion Stimulus Bill Friday, and Saturday was Valentine’s Day. Which was only fitting since this will be such a sweetheart deal for Wall Street. (Jim Barach)

The $787 billion federal stimulus bill was passed by Congress and will be signed into law by Pres. Obama this week. The bill includes money for homeowners to hang on to their homes, money for business people to hang on to the businesses and in a surprise pork barrel deal, money for the Dodgers to hang on to Manny Ramirez. (Jerry Perisho)

Congress passed the biggest spending bill in U.S. history: $787 billion. The newspapers said today not one politician in Washington has read the bill, to which President Bush said, “See, nobody reads that stuff! Who says I have no legacy?” (Jay Leno)

In Denver Tuesday, Pres. Obama signed into law the new economic stimulus bill. The signing was delayed briefly when, sadly, the entire state of Colorado ran out of ink. This bill is amazing. It will stimulate job growth, reduce unemployment and lower interest rates. Leave out your clothes and it will have your shirts pressed, and the holes in your socks darned before morning. (Jerry Perisho)

Republicans are now screaming about the national debt anytime anybody mentions President Obama. It’s strange. They never mentioned it back when Bush lowered their taxes and doubled the national debt. It’s the first rule of politics; lower a Republican’s taxes, he’ll stop screaming until you lower somebody else’s. (Joe Hickman)

President Obama signed a stimulus bill Tuesday which will build a high-speed train between Southern California and Las Vegas. It should be finished about the time O.J. Simpson is paroled. This will give him an easy commute between robberies and murders. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CALIFORNIA BUDGET

As you may have heard, the state of California is broke. So you’re looking at massive state layoffs now because the legislature hasn’t been able to come up with a budget. The state is $42 billion in the hole. You know, I’m no financial expert, but if you have no money and no prospects of making money and you owe $42 billion, you’re way beyond putting yourself on a budget, O.K.? I think you’re looking at faking your own death at this point. (Jay Leno)

A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can’t get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he’s already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he’ll “be back,” he said, “Hasta la vista, baby.” He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget, so now we Californians can get back to doing what we do best — buying homes we can’t afford and letting murderers go free. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today — Canadian geese. (Jay Leno)

I saw an article last week that said, “Is Obama’s presidency already a failure?” What I think has happened to Obama is this. It is kind of like George W. Bush was in the restroom before him and then came out and went away. And Obama’s gone in and he’s found something awful there. (Craig Ferguson)

I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he’s a miserable failure, we’ll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term. (Craig Ferguson)

President Barack Obama had an unusual gift waiting for him when he landed at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor International Airport on Tuesday: a size-23 sneaker autographed by Suns center Shaquille O’Neal. And his kids are already fighting over who gets to sleep in it. (Dwight Perry)

President Obama has canned the idea of appointing a “car czar” to run the auto industry and instead will establish a presidential task force. That’s the last thing the auto industry needs: more airbags. (Paul Seaburn)

According to the Financial Times, Barack Obama, they’re saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn’t happened since the Clinton administration. (Craig Ferguson)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton is on her first trip abroad as Secretary of State. As a result, Bill Clinton is on his first trip on a broad since Hillary became Secretary of State. (Alex Kaseberg)

Here’s something exciting. Hillary Clinton, our Secretary of State, is on her first big round the world trip. She’s visiting Asia, including a stop in China, where she is trying to do something about those leaky takeout food cartons. Yeah. Hillary is in Asia; Bill is in heaven. (David Letterman)

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Asia. She is in Japan, or as Bill was heard telling a woman in a bar last night, “We’re separated.” (Jay Leno)

After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said: “Don’t worry about it. I do it all the time.” (Jay Leno)

The Presidential Task Force on Autos is being reconfigured to include not only a Car Czar, but also a Bus Boss, Tractor-Trailer Tracker, RV SupeRVisor, S.U.V. Veep, Motorcycle Mogul, Tailpipe Exhaust Exec, and a Motor General (not from General Motors). (Paul Feehan)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is so bad; Miley Cyrus cut Billy Ray’s weekly allowance. (Pedro Bartes)

Terrible economy. Terrible. If you have any money left, do what I do: Invest in foreclosure signs. (David Letterman)

What do investment bankers call the savings and loan fiasco, the Internet bubble and Enron? Practice. (Joe Johnson)

Shouldn’t the infrastructure repairs have signs reading, “Federal deficit at work”? (Gil Stern)

In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states are sending YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. New York apparently just sent a video of the Knicks. (Janice Hough)

Girl Scout cookie sales are plummeting across the country. The girls are having a hard time competing with their laid off parents who are now selling crack. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

As part of a plan to close his state’s budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can’t have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he’s going to tax pornography. If he can’t enjoy it, nobody can. What’s next, a tax on rainbows? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Stormy Daniels said Tuesday she may run for U.S. Senate in Louisiana against GOP Senator David Vitter. She’s a porno star and he hired hookers. The publicity this contest would attract would get gumbo removed from every school lunch menu in America. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

New York City is going to spend $45 million dollars to “retrain” laid-off Wall Streeters “to stem the exodus of talent from the rapidly collapsing financial services industry.” Since when is losing money considered a talent? (Mike Rossi)

In Los Angeles, the Dept. of Water and Power will impose water rationing for the first time in two decades. You know what that means; at the Staples Center, the beer will actually be beer. (Jerry Perisho)

Mayor Oscar Goodman demanded President Obama apologize Thursday for denouncing banks that hold conventions in Las Vegas. It’s bad. There have been so many cancellations in Las Vegas that Harry Reid had to slip a bailout for hookers into the stimulus package. (Argus Hamilton)

That Connecticut woman whose chimpanzee mauled a neighbor now says she never gave the chimp any Xanax, as was reported earlier. She did however allow Alex Rodriguez’s cousin to inject the chimp with Tic-Tacs. (Jerry Perisho)

THE DEMOCRATS

They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment. (David Letterman)

THE REPUBLICANS

The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn’t do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney. (Jay Leno)

According to a survey conducted by the cable channel C-SPAN, former President George W. Bush was ranked 36th out of the 42 men who had been chief executive. He could have done much worse, but historians took into consideration all of his vacation time. (Pedro Bartes)

Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She’s blaming it on Alex Rodriguez’s cousin. Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house. (David Letterman)

Southern Methodist University is having trouble raising the $500 million needed to build the George W. Bush Presidential Library. If the library were to open today, it would be called the George W. Bush Presidential Bookmobile. (Paul Seaburn)

In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin’s daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin said, “A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.” Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions. (Jay Leno)

In an interview with a conservative talk show host, Rep. Michele Bachmann said that she opposes the stimulus package because we’re “running out of rich people in this country.” Unfortunately, it seems that the number of dumb politicians continue to grow. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The Buffalo man who founded a cable TV network dedicated to portraying Muslims in a better light has beheaded his wife for trying to divorce him. His network is planning a special on how he humanely knocked her out before slicing off her head. (Jake Novak)

Police in New York say the beheading of a Muslim woman in her apartment has all the markings of an honor killing. Or, as the Taliban calls it, “an amicable divorce.” (Todd Long)

Disgraced financier Bernie Madoff offered a partial mea culpa for his massive Ponzi scheme today, telling reporters that he blamed his “youth and immaturity” for his poor judgment in the matter. “You have to understand, when this scheme really got out of hand I was only a lad in my sixties,” Mr. Madoff said. (Andy Borowitz)

The world banking conglomerate UBS has agreed to pay $780 million in fines for avoiding U.S. taxes and to turn over once-secret Swiss banking records, putting a huge crack in Switzerland’s famous bank secrecy laws. You know what this means? We still won’t be able to find Osama bin Laden, but we may be able to close down his Christmas Club savings account. (Patrick Gorse)

An Oregon man is charged with child abuse after his 9-year-old son wrote an essay explaining that the father shot him with a BB gun because he was blocking the TV. Ironically, he was blocking an ad for Target. (Doug Austen)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. With Hillary gone, you know that Bill will apply for screener at Tulsa Airport now. (Pedro Bartes)

In a tryout at Tulsa’s airport, airline passengers will skip metal detectors and instead be screened by body scanners. To save money in this economy, all female passengers will be scanned by teenage boys working for free. (Jake Novak)

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. I’m personally buying Ann Coulter a ticket to Tulsa. Finally a chance to know if she’s a woman or a dude. (Pedro Bartes)

NASA & SPACE

Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house. (Jay Leno)

NASA announced two big communications satellites collided 500 miles over Siberia. Both were reportedly homing in on the whereabouts of Mark McGwire. (Dwight Perry)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The mayor of Mexico City wants to provide Viagra free to poor men over the age of 60. It’s part of his “Get up the vote” campaign. (Tim Hunter)

Police in Mexico found a pickup truck with side panels and bumpers that were made entirely of cocaine. Police got suspicious when the guy had a minor fender bender and claimed $2.5 million in damages. (Jay Leno)

CANADA

President Obama flew to Canada Thursday for top level meetings about Afghanistan border security and mutual trade. The country is our top energy partner. Canada is America’s number-one supplier of oil and gas and wind if you don’t count McDonald’s. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is making climate change a top priority on her weekend trip to China. Her main goal is to make sure the Chinese install recycling bins in all the factories staffed by 8-year-old slave laborers. (Jake Novak)

Thousands of Afghans are marching on TV to protest the U. S. sending more troops. Flag makers will now have to add employees to produce enough U. S. flags to burn. Flag prices will skyrocket, since you can’t get on TV in Afghanistan without burning a U. S. flag. Many poor Afghans can’t afford U. S. flags, so if you’d like to help — remember, just $20 a month will supply five poor Afghan families with a flag to burn on TV. (Joe Hickman)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A 13 year old British boy recently became a father. Too bad sex education isn’t taught until the eighth grade. (Jim Barach)

A group of ancient fossils has been discovered at the famous La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles. Archeologists say it’s either the remains of saber-toothed cats, dire wolves and bison, or it’s the crew from “60 Minutes.” (Jerry Perisho)

A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman! (Craig Ferguson)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A major winter storm hit California Monday and snow closed a 50-mile stretch of I-5, a major transportation artery. With I-5 closed, the snow completely halted the movement of California’s primary commodity: illegal aliens. (Jerry Perisho)

SPORTS

Alex Rodriguez asked baseball fans Tuesday to forgive him. He said he never took steroids, then he admitted doing steroids, then he said he can’t remember what he took. He’s changed his story so many times he could be the next senator from Illinois. (Argus Hamilton)

OJ Simpson got savagely beaten within an inch of his life in prison today. Actually, that isn’t true, but it did cheer you up, didn’t it? (Alex Kaseberg)

Scott Boras told the Dodgers they can have Manny Ramirez for two easy installments of $18.99 million if they called in the next 10 minutes. (Sports Pickle)

All-Star shortstop Miguel Tejada is being charged for lying to Congress in connection with his testimony about steroid use in baseball. Congress won’t put up with lying to them about steroids and sex. Just about starting wars and bankrupting the country.

On the co-pilot from the Hudson River water landing throwing out the first pitch at the Brewers’ home opener: “The pitch is likely to be a sinker.” (Drew Curtis)

If the Ohio State football team lost or tied, Woody Hayes would conduct an interview in the nude. He was an ugly guy, so it would clear the locker room out pretty fast. (Leonard Downie Jr.)

On the Alex Rodriguez drug revelation: “Now we know steroids don’t work in October.” (Janice Hough)

Mets pitcher Mike Pelfrey, playing golf with four teammates in Florida last week, flipped the cart he was driving when a tire caught a sand trap. If you’re scoring at home, that’s one run, one hit, one error and nobody left on. (Dwight Perry)

After the agent for receiver Plaxico Burress said his client might be up for a trade: “Unfortunately for the Giants, the only offer they got was from the Buffalo Bills — for Marshawn Lynch and two ammo clips to be named later.” (David Abrahams)

Alex Rodriguez blamed some of his problem on not going to college, and said, “If I had a son, I would definitely recommend him going to college.” Yeah, if you want to avoid all potentially illegal drugs, what better place than college? (Janice Hough)

After A-Rod’s recent drug-taking confession, Yankees star Derek Jeter is pleading with fans to acknowledge the “clean” players in pro baseball. So, before the start of every major league game, fans will briefly applaud some unknown bench-rider on the Charleston RiverDogs. (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINMENT

The film remake “Friday the 13th” is raking in millions. Even though responsible parents say letting children see it is “lunacy.” Hey, that pretty much sums up Hollywood these days. Some theaters at least are demonstrating a sensitivity to children by serving popcorn in airsick bags. (Joe Hickman)

Sean Penn announced Thursday he will star in a movie about the life of Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. Finding people to play Moe and Curly won’t be any problem. At the rate people are leaving the Obama cabinet there are plenty of stooges available. (Argus Hamilton)

Siegfried and Roy return to the Las Vegas stage on Feb. 28. Why do tigers love performing with these legends? They get dinner and a show. (Alan Ray)

NASCAR driver Jeff Burton is slated to make a cameo appearance on the ABC soap staple “General Hospital.” Word has it he gets to drive the Ambulance of Tomorrow. (Dwight Perry)

While anticipating good things at the Academy Awards, the producers of “Milk” have already started filming their followup, a bio of Bernie Madoff titled “Bilk.” (Paul Feehan)

The Oscars will be awarded Sunday. There’s a heavy favorite in the category Best Documentary Short Subject. “The Jessica Simpson Exercise Video.” (Alan Ray)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Black leaders are asking advertisers to boycott The New York Post for a controversial cartoon depicting cops shooting a monkey. The New York Post immediately wrote a response to the boycott idea: “Advertisers? What’s that?” (Pedro Bartes)

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Bush struck a defiant tone at his trial and refused to apologize. He’s being a real heel. (Doug Austen)

After 41 years at ABC News, 74-year-old newsman Sam Donaldson is finally retiring from full-time work. ABC plans to retire Sam’s microphone and the Smithsonian wants his eyebrows. (Paul Seaburn)

HISTORY

Can you believe all the specials on Abraham Lincoln to mark his 200th birthday? There was a special on his inauguration, his speech at Gettysburg, and now they are replaying Lincoln’s first interview with Larry King. (Alex Kaseberg)

In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That’s better than he did in high school. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to researchers from Trent University in Ontario, 10% of teens consider their virginity an embarrassing stigma that they need to get rid of. Fortunately for them, there are lots of adults willing to help them get rid of that stigma. (Pedro Bartes)

About a quarter of the nation’s TV stations cut off their analog signals, leaving thousands of households that were not prepared to go digital without TV broadcasts. People are going absolutely crazy. What are they expected to do? Talk to one another? No way! Read? You’ve got to be joking! Help the kids with their homework? No, the kids are at swim practice smoking pot. (Jerry Perisho)

Facebook has backed off its claim that anything its 175 million users post is Facebook’s to keep. So, 175 million people who believe everything they read on the Internet are sleeping more soundly tonight. (Jerry Perisho)

More states want to ban texting while driving. What do you say to a teen with such a dangerous habit behind the wheel? “Why can’t you just talk on the cell phone like your mom and dad?” (Alan Ray)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Kellogg’s was boycotted by marijuana activists Monday for firing Michael Phelps as their commercial spokesman because he smoked pot. Athletes are risky role models. It’s why Tony the Tiger always tells his wife not to worry, he’ll get his job back soon enough. (Argus Hamilton)

The Peanut Corporation of America has filed for bankruptcy. It’s been rough. Apparently Mr. Peanut is said to be just a shell of his former self.

Disney plans to cut staff at all its theme parks. This is troubling news for Dumbo and Goofy, who just got jobs at DisneyWorld after getting laid off from Wall Street. (Jake Novak)

The Muzak company filed for bankruptcy. They are the folks who put music in elevators. The bad economy gave them the shaft. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

HOLIDAYS

Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow. (Jay Leno)

Presidents’ Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine’s Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton. (Jay Leno)

Compiled by Stan Kegel