After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

13 responses to “THE LINES OF HADES

  1. Ha, the Jugum penis! Now I know what sparked (pun intended) the revival of Catholicism in England 🙂

  2. While all this is going on in Pakistan, a certain Mr. Ass-faq Kiya-nahi is the dude to watch out for…very soon the world might have to negotiate with Mr. Kiya-nahi for all the omissions, commissions and emissions of the State of Pakistan.

  3. Vivek S. Khadpekar


    The rat’s-teeth detail on the outer ring is spine-(or its anagram)-chilling. I remember reading about something similar along the inner edges of a snap-shut device forming part of a chastity belt from early mediaeval England (i.e. before Henry VIII ‘s ecumenical perestroika to support his libidinous ambitions). This, apparently, gave a sporting chance to the most daring and intrepid entrpreneurs.

    Coming to the inner ring on the device in your photograph, I imagine it would also serve to deter premature ejaculation?

    A most ambivalent invention.

  4. ha ha, good one doc!
    By the way, I am practising online cricket games – thats the future of cricket at least in the sub continent 😉

  5. I am waiting for the response from PCB after the Australian Umpires and Muralitharan has voiced more or less the same views. The other side of the story is that most columnists and security analysts from Pakistan are accepting that there was a major security lapse. The Governor of Punjab and IG of Lahore say that they did everything possible. Miandad doesn’t deserve a comment. He was one of the best batsman that Pakistan ever produced but his capability to think logically has always been doubtful.
    The latest news on Dr Sanjay Gupta is that he has decided to continue with his job as Surgeon General.

  6. You’re back to being you, I see 🙂 And I mean it in good way 😀


  7. I hope this article was written by you and not your son 🙂 … Just kidding. You are back with a bang, I mean that is the topic right – To Bang or not to !

  8. The quote from the New England Journal of Medicine is amazingly accurate. As an American, I myself learned sex from licking an ice cream cone and was quite proud of the fact until my first wife divorced me when she discovered I could not perform without first covering her in icy cold mint chocolate.

  9. TRF:
    To say nothing about how Dickensian this entire thing was!
    Haha! Kiya-nahi is set to become that country’s ‘head’, if rumors are true.
    Yes, that was designed to prevent incontinence.
    You can make money with that, and quite right about the assessment!
    Why so serious? Yeah, I hear you!
    Good one.
    I have many shades. I wear them back to back, and yet remain the same.
    Haha, good one!
    I am sure you did something like that to drive her away! 🙂
    You are missed here these days!

  10. Yikes, Doc! I can’t look at that photo of the Jugum penis clamp without wanting to protectively cross my legs. I’d heard some people actually used those things a hundred years ago, but I’d never seen one before. It looks worse than I imagined!

  11. Where do u find all such contraptions?
    reminded me of a poster i saw of a torture device exhibition at Frankfurt.
    I found this post rather educating and interesting and fully agree with Paul about having a reflex action urge to protect my vitals , while simultaneously wondering how much time people had on their hands in olden days to invent such contraptions like that penis clamp?

  12. Protect got eaten up (my keyboard is acting funny after a clean up)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s