WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Now it turns out AIG gave $35 billion — not million — $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow? (Jay Leno)

March Madness. Are you excited about college basketball? The N.C.A.A. tournament starts out at 65, then it goes right to 64, then 32, then 16, then four, then down to just one. I mean, it’s like G.M. stock, really, when you think about it. (David Letterman)

Banks used to close at 3PM. Now they’ve started four closure. (Bob Dvorak)

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV cameras to talk about the AIG scandal. It is very appropriate, if you think about it. Who is better to talk about screwing people than Eliot Spitzer. (Pedro Bartes)

Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday. Talk about traveling down a well-worn path. (Tim Hunter)

Police in Houston have busted an upscale prostitution ring with more than fifteen hundred clients. Hookers in Houston are offering the “Apollo 13 Special”. For an extra 20 bucks, they’ll go ’round the world before grabbing the joystick and bringing you in for a perfect splashdown. (Jerry Perisho)

Now look, this can’t be verified but, by gollie, it has the ring of truth about it. Late last year, after the Presidential Campaign ended, then President Elect Obama crossed paths with Rush Limbaugh in a New York restaurant. The two had a brief chat. Limbaugh allowed as how he was really quite impressed by Obama’s two books and then added: “Who wrote them for you?” Obama’s response to the de faco head of the Republican Party was: “Who read them to you?” (Jim Mica)

This is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for Food and Drug Administration commissioner? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh? (David Letterman)

A.I.G. might have accomplished the impossible: making Nadya Suleman look deserving. (Janice Hough)

According to CNN, the recession is bringing new terms to the public’s vocabulary. Actually, I think all seven words were previously identified by George Carlin. (Bill Mihalic)

AIG

AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers’ money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year. (Jay Leno)

Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then doing one of two things — either resign or kill themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed. (Jay Leno)

Some members of Congress want to tax 90% of the money AIG executives made in bonuses. It is a tough dilemma for the executives; if they pay, they lose most of the money, and if they don’t pay the taxes, they might end up in Obama’s cabinet. (Pedro Bartes)

In his speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about these excessive bonuses. He said the trouble at AIG was caused by recklessness and excessive greed. But here’s the problem. The AIG executives thought it was a compliment. They went, “Oh, thanks, wow.” (Jay Leno)

“The Republicans are on board in this, too. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley told AIG executives they should either quit or commit suicide. But I think that’s plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of quitting? (Jay Leno)

Several AIG executives have agreed to give back their controversial bonuses. They’ve all decided to go after the real easy money and run for Congress. (Jake Novak)

A.I.G. boss Phillip Liddy says he expects at least half of that $165 million given out as bonuses to be returned. He’s keeping the other half as his finder’s fee. (Ira Lawson)

BERNIE MADOFF

Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for Broadway musicals and Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

You know Bernard Madoff? Well, lawyers now say they plan to argue that his wife, Ruth, is entitled to keep as much as $69 million in assets. Yeah, please. Even A.I.G. guys are going, “Shut up!” (Jay Leno)

The Treasury Department began examining the financial assets of Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth Madoff, Monday. She has jewelry, yachts, a Palm Beach mansion and fifty million in municipal bonds. She’s an ideal mark for a con man, but we knew that already. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Barack Obama filed out his NCAA brackets and his final four are Louisville, North Carolina, Memphis and Pittsburgh. “I’ll take three cities and one state that all voted Democratic for $500, Alex.” (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it’s about time he met with the owners. (Argus Hamilton)

We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to NBC. You’d think by this time he’d be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives. (Jay Leno)

President Obama compared Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Alexander Hamilton Wednesday. He often compares himself to Lincoln. If he doesn’t stop talking about great men who died by gunshot, the Secret Service is going to arrest him as a threat to the president. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama spoke to business leaders meeting in Washington Thursday and promised to maintain free trade overseas. He won’t raise protective tariffs. The idea is to give the U. S. auto industry no other option but to build a better car. (Argus Hamilton)

He (Obama) drew the biggest laugh of the night after Leno asked if it was fair for him to be “judged so quickly” after less than two months in office. “I welcome the challenge,” Obama replied. “In Washington, it’s a little bit like ‘American Idol,’ but everybody is Simon Cowell.” (Daniel Kurtzman)

President Obama appeared in a town-hall meeting in Costa Mesa Wednesday an hour after Air Force One touched down on the west coast. Costa Mesa is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in all of Southern California. Meth labs are a recession-proof business. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The Boston Tea Party Society called upon Americans to send teabags to Congress Saturday to protest huge spending and higher taxes. Be sure and send decaffeinated tea bags. Every time Congress stays up past midnight they vote themselves a pay raise. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says that Congress is spending a billion dollars an hour it is in session. That means it’s bleeding money at about the same rate as AIG. (Jim Barach)

Speaker Pelosi says Congress needs to “keep the door open” to another stimulus package. And on a couple of F-18’s in case she wants to go to the beach this weekend. (Todd Long)

Senator David Vitter ordered flight attendants to open a just-closed airplane door last week when he arrived at a gate late. He got belligerent when they refused, so they called security and identified him as he ran off. Senators who get caught in prostitution scandals should never assume that flight attendants won’t recognize them. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

States that use federal stimulus money to pay for construction projects will have to pay the union wage instead of the market rate. There’s also a ton of paperwork the unions have to fill out now if they want to break a guy’s legs. (Todd Long)

The U. S. says it will stop raiding medical pot distributors in California. The ruling is expected to have an immediate impact. Cases of glaucoma are predicted to go up 1 million percent. (Alan Ray)

West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette, and that only happens when Republicans control Congress. (Argus Hamilton)

Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval ratings have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state. (Jimmy Kimmel)

LOCAL NEWS

New York is going to charge a $10 tax to enter a strip club. Is this what they call a pole tax? (Alex Kaseberg)

In Salt Lake City, Utah, two female junior high school teachers were arrested after they had sex with the same 13-year-old student. I don’t know what the big deal is — in Utah, that’s home-schooling. (Jimmy Fallon)

Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It’s not going to work as long as the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the lower right hand corner of the TV screen. (Argus Hamilton)

The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving toward a ban on bikini waxing. Upon hearing the news, 9,000 men currently enrolled to get their cosmetology licenses stormed out and went back to their jobs as peeping toms. (Jerry Perisho)

THE REPUBLICANS

GOP Chairman Michael Steele angered Republicans Thursday when he said abortion is an individual choice. That’s party heresy. It would be like the chairman of the Democratic Party calling for banks to run credit checks on people applying for a loan. (Argus Hamilton)

Former President George W. Bush said he is thinking of writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions he had to make as a president. Apparently, among those tough decisions he made as a president, Bush will include: war in Iraq, mayo or mustard in his lunch sandwich, and Nickelodeon or Disney at breakfast. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

As part of a 106-count indictment, the grand jury of Montague County, Texas charged the former sheriff of having sex with jailed female inmates. They women didn’t really know they were having sex. They thought they were blowing into the world’s fleshiest breathalyzer. (Jerry Perisho)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Homeland Security sent agents to the Mexican border Friday in response to drug cartel violence. The effort to stem the violence at the border is hampered on two fronts. They can’t figure out who’s responsible for all the assassinations and beheadings, and they can’t figure out where the United States ends and Mexico begins. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

NASA ordered Space Station astronauts into the escape capsule on Thursday when a junked rocket engine approached at five miles per second. They thought they were out of harm’s way up there. They were well above the orbit of the Canadian geese. (Argus Hamilton)

The space shuttle Discovery has just docked at the International Space Station with much needed supplies, including a new distiller that turns urine into drinking water. If the device works as planned, NASA officials say they will stop charging astronauts to use the bathroom. (Bill Mihalic)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Forbes magazine listed Mexico’s cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on their annual billionaires list. He’s quite a shrewd businessman. Just by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by two thousand people from last year’s list. (Argus Hamilton)

Forbes listed cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its billionaires list. Sales of cocaine are always good when the economy is lousy. Its side effects include a rush of euphoria, a feeling of invincibility for fifteen minutes, and one-term presidencies. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

The president of Madagascar left office after a popular radio host there rallied support against him and will likely take over in a special election. And today, Rush Limbaugh said, “You can do that?” (Jay Leno)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

According to a new study by the National Center for Health, two in every five American babies are born to unwed mothers. The two main reasons: the NBA added more games to their schedule, and Octomom! (Pedro Bartes)

A new study shows that being obese can shorten your life. And today Obama mailed Rush Limbaugh 10 quarter pounders and 5 gallons of ice cream. (Pedro Bartes)

New research out of the University of Virginia says that our mental abilities begin to decline around the age of 27. In fact, by the age of 50, many of us are thinking at a President Bush level. (Jay Leno)

A lack of vitamin D is being tied to teen health problems. One way the vitamin is ingested is through sunshine. If there was only some way to radiate the vitamin through video game screens. (Jim Barach)

A 6 year old Ohio boy has an IQ of 176. His parents ponder his ability with sheer amazement. If he’s so smart, why can’t he clean up his room? (Alan Ray)

SPORTS

Advertising Age said Tuesday that the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in advertising. It’s money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world’s second-favorite indoor sport, but the other one’s got more spectators on the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)

March Madness begins today as the NCAA basketball tournament begins. Everybody watches it at work on their office computers. The only time business for online porn is any slower is when a Washington sex scandal pulls the audience over to C-SPAN. (Argus Hamilton)

It starts off with 65 contenders, then narrows to 64, then 32, then 16, next 8, and then 4 and 2 and finally you get down to just 1. It’s either a basketball tournament or a brief summary of that weird “Benjamin Button” movie. (Jerry Perisho)

Nets forward Sean Williams, arrested for allegedly throwing a computer monitor during an argument with a clerk at a Denver cellphone store, somehow escaped the charge of setting a moving screen. (Dwight Perry)

New Jersey Devils’ Martin Brodeur broke the record for most wins by a goalie set by Patrick Roy. To give you some idea, this guy Brodeur has stopped more shots than Paris Hilton’s diaphragm. (Alex Kaseberg)

Phil Mickelson won at Doral Sunday despite food poisoning from calamari he ate Friday. He finally ate a peanut butter sandwich on Sunday. Phil’s known for his reckless play on the golf course but the man was risking his life eating peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a magazine layout. There’s a lesson here. Making a quarter of a billion dollars playing baseball doesn’t bring you happiness if what you really want to be is a Calvin Klein model. (Argus Hamilton)

Even more amazing than Thursday’s Big East tournament game between Syracuse and UConn going six overtimes? No postgame interviewer asked Huskies coach Jim Calhoun if he gets paid time-and-a-half for that one. (Dwight Perry)

On the Dallas Cowboys jettison of Terrell Owens: What do Jerry Jones and the Dow Jones have in common? Both just enjoyed their best week since November. (David Thomas)

This past weekend, Usain Bolt, you know the gold medal-winning sprinter, ran his first race of the season. He tied for first place in the 100-meter dash. The guy he tied with was an A.I.G. executive running to the bank to cash his check. (Jay Leno)

An Iraqi soccer player was shot dead during a match in Baghdad Sunday. He was just about to kick the tying goal on a penalty shot. It was a big mistake to open a sports book in Baghdad before they had the metal detectors installed at the stadium. (Argus Hamilton)

JetBlue airlines announced special “Manny Fan Fares” in honor of the Dodgers re-signing Manny Ramirez. The fare’s only $99 each way, but there’s a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage. (Janice Hough)

Golfer Natalie Gulbis botched the cupcakes she was baking on NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” Gulbis can putt and drive, but her shortening game needs a little work. (Cam Hutchinson)

ENTERTAINMENT

Actor Nicholas Cage says that he’s tired of gratuitous violence in his movies. He said that violence in films is justified only if it serves a cinematic purpose, like bringing more people to the box office. (Bill Mihalic)

America’s Next Top Model was holding open auditions Sunday when tens of thousands of models stampeded on the street outside the studio in Manhattan. It was a sign of the economy. Every woman who hasn’t eaten in three weeks now thinks she is a model. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

A radio host in Louisville is devoting one hour of her show each week to helping the unemployed find jobs. The ninth caller gets to clean her pool. (Todd Long)

So the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has gone totally on-line. Ya know, I feel sorry for the delivery guys and gals. Cause now they gotta chuck a PC on their customers’ lawns every day. (Marc Ragovin)

CELEBRITIES

Casino magnate Steve Wynn and wife Elaine are getting a divorce. There’s much joy in lawyer-ville. This could end up being the first Wynn-Wynn situation where nobody’s happy. (Tim Hunter)

Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday. She decided to have the births video recorded. She was totally comfortable with the lights and camera aimed at her crotch, but kept asking, “Why does all the crew still have their pants on?” (Jerry Perisho)

Tennis dad Richard Williams, 67, plans to marry his 30-year-old girlfriend who’s barely older than Venus and Serena. Did somebody say Woody Allen movie? (Len Berman)

A little health scare for former Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne Cheney. She was hospitalized briefly after fainting at home. She’s apparently okay. But here’s kind of a funny thing that happened. The paramedics arrived, and out of habit they started giving C.P.R. to Dick. (David Letterman)

Mayor Mike Bloomberg was rated the richest man in New York Thursday. His media company’s made four billion dollars since the crash. Selling business news during a stock market scare is more lucrative than the soft drink concession at the Betty Ford Center. (Argus Hamilton)

Carl Landry of the Houston Rockets was shot in the leg while getting fast food after a game. Audio tapes from the drive-through reveal him saying, “Hold the pickles, hold the onions, HOLD YOUR FIRE!” (Todd Long)

Police in Illinois claim that Gary Skoien, who is the former chairman of the Cook County Republican Party, was in his children’s playroom at 1 a.m. in the morning with two hookers, when his wife walks in, catches him and the wife beats him up with a toy guitar. And she’s like a superstar. In fact, women in the neighborhood now call her Guitar Hero. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Now, that’s the difference between Republicans, when Republicans and Democrats have affairs. Democrats, it’s always the swanky expensive suite; Republicans, it’s always an airport men’s room. (David Letterman)

A woman from Spokane, Washington, found a cat inside a used couch she bought at a thrift store and then returned it to its owner. Britney Spears was thankful because since her last concert in Tampa she had no idea where her pussy has been hanging out. (Pedro Bartes)

A Swedish woman spent over $400,000 on a plastic spray bottle filled with holy water that ended up being fake. Experts confirmed the Holy Water was bogus after they offered Dick Cheney a sip and he didn’t burn. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

General Motors announced Monday it’s already sold out its first run of fourteen thousand new V-6 three-hundred-horsepower Camaros. The marketing research finally came back. Americans wish the planet the best, but little cars are for little countries. (Argus Hamilton)

Jaguar and Buick have dethroned Lexus in the new J.D. Power vehicle dependability study. This is a great source of pride to the 17 people who actually own a Buick. (Marv Kaminsky)

Microsoft is offering a $250,000 reward for information leading to the capture of the creator of the Conficker computer virus. If that’s not enough, Bill Gates will throw in the iPhones he confiscated from his wife and kids. (Paul Seaburn)

Japan’s fashion industry is experimenting with robot models. They’re stoic, pre-programmed, and you don’t have to feed them. Judges at the catwalk won’t notice a change. (Alan Ray)

Do you remember Poppin’ Fresh? He’s that pasty white guy. He was certainly doughy, fat, overweight, pasty, white, doughy guy. He had a radio show with a weird political — I’m sorry. I’m confused. That’s Rush Limbaugh. (David Letterman)

HOLIDAYS

A very happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick’s day is a little different this year. Nobody’s got any green left. (Jay Leno)

What is the difference between an A.I.G. executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money. (Jay Leno)

The St. Patrick’s Day Parade marched up Fifth Avenue in New York on Tuesday. It was a grand day for Irish-Americans. By six o’clock in the morning parade-goers were standing on the sidewalk six-deep for forty blocks, and that’s just the beer line. (Argus Hamilton)

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, the water in the fountains at the White House today was dyed green, which might be the only green a lot of Americans see this year so enjoy it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They had a big St. Patty’s Day party at the White House tonight with corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. … Things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Compiled by Stan Kegel