WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-04-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? (Jay Leno)

Ruth Madoff is now accusing Bernie Madoff of having an extra-marital affair. Like Bernie wasn’t screwing enough people before. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four – Chase, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan and Bank of America. (Janice Hough)

MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they’ll start doing actual news again. (Craig Ferguson)

Researchers at the University of Westminster in England have developed a simple and convenient way of screening for STDs which involves sending a used tampon through the mail. The company said they might start testing this for free with some women… no strings attache (Pedro Bartes)

Last night, the audience was as quiet as a General Motors showroom. (David Letterman)

The Senate is reviewing how college picks the number one team. Thank goodness they finally have the economy back on track and the war in Iraq under control. (Jim Barach)

In a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn’t find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She’s not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn’t find anybody to pray with either. (Jay Leno)

One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

The average American now works to support one spouse, three kids, four banks and two car companies. (Sid Knowles)

China says it wants to replace the U. S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard. (Jay Leno)

The Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings on the Bowl Championship Series in college football. They want to probe anti-trust violations. When the BCS installed a Microsoft operating system in their computer they were just asking for it. (Argus Hamilton)

TAXES

President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration. (Jay Leno)

The government is planning to tax Internet porn. Why would anyone pay to watch really horrible acting when they can see it on NBC prime time for free? (Alex Kaseberg)

The largest federal tobacco tax hike ever will take effect on Wednesday. Smokers tried to stage a march on Washington. But after a block, they were too out of breath. (Alan Ray)

There’s a new tax on tobacco — 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It’s the biggest federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. Ironic that they would hike taxes on people who cannot hike. President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half. (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once again having a President who speaks their language. (Janice Hough)

Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, asked President Obama if he ever played darts. And Obama said: “Sure I play darts. How do you think I picked my Cabinet?” (David Letterman)

President Obama was on Capitol Hill to urge moderate Democrats to back his budget bill. Each baby born in the U.S. now owes eighteen thousand dollars in debt. A month ago Americans were furious at Nadya Suleman for having eight babies, but today she’s the only thing standing between Social Security and insolvency. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama is pledging to help the flooded Midwest recover. Though he didn’t explain how his hosting “Saturday Night Live” and guest-voicing on “The Simpsons” would help. (Todd Long)

President Obama imposed a thirty-miles-per-gallon standard for cars Friday and twenty-four for SUVs. He wants banks to get back on their feet by making risky loans and he wants car companies to get back on their feet by making cars which Americans refuse to buy. He graduated at the top of his class at the Trotsky School of Business. (Argus Hamilton)

The press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, “Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?” (Jay Leno)

Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A. I.G. executives. (Craig Ferguson)

THE ADMINISTRATION

President Obama appointed former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker to head a commission to study rebalancing the tax code. You know what that means. The stock market went up a hundred and eighty points on the news that the president wasn’t going to do anything. (Argus Hamilton)

In an unusual move for a sitting Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood’s highest award. In her speech, she revealed her No. 1 recommended method of birth control — pantsuits. (Jay Leno)

Fed Chairman Tim Geithner and Secretary of Health & Human Services Kathy Sebelius have decided to buy a new Chrysler to help boost the ailing U-S automakers. The car is called the DODGE 1040. (Jake Novak)

The government is going to start buying condoms from China instead of from a company in Arkansas. Apparently the Chinese condoms come with the claim of literally putting some lead in your pencil. (Jim Barach)

And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that’s the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones. (Jay Leno)

Postmaster General John Potter says the Post Office is running out of money. Apparently Congress gave the Post Office some bailout money, but made the mistake of sending the check by mail. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That’s something you never hear before the election, you know? “Let me tell you, if I get elected it’s going to get a lot worse!” (Jay Leno)

I tell you, the economy’s in rough shape. It’s terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot. (Jay Leno)

Brazil’s President blamed the economic crisis on ‘white people with blue eyes’. So, now we know who has all the money; the Albinos! (Jerry Perisho)

THE CONGRESS

Congress passed a Wilderness Act Monday to slow oil exploration and bring back the salmon. Every thirty years we have to clean up the rivers. Forget Captain Sully Sullenberger, the real Miracle on the Hudson would be a fish in it that was safe to eat. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress is killing most debate and putting President Obama’s massive 2010 budget on a fast track approval schedule. That’s because the only thing that scares a Congressman more than a $3.6 trillion budget is actually having to read it. (Jake Novak)

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco products, which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about the same as a bottle of Viagra. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court heard arguments on whether the documentary Hillary the Movie was a campaign ad or if it’s free speech. The justices are split. Liberals feel it’s ninety minutes of hate speech but conservatives loved the scene where Hillary destroys Tokyo. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman Barney Frank called Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia a “homophobe”. Scalia says that Frank isn’t being fair. Labeling him a homophobe leaves out all the other groups he also hates. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

California adopted a rule Friday requiring all auto repair shops to check tire pressure whenever making repairs. Have they no consciences? It’s morally wrong to remove the smuggled heroin out of a tire and not reinflate it to its correct pressure. (Argus Hamilton)

Vermont’s House of Representatives has voted in favor of gay marriage. The legislators passed the lesbian-friendly bill in the hopes of bailing out the state’s struggling flannel shirt industry. (Jake Novak)

A Pennsylvania court says that a police officer who loses his sense of smell could lose his job. The lawyers for the police officer say the court’s decision stinks. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton’s boyhood house in Arkansas was voted a historic site by Congress last week. It’s a shrine for some people. Womanizers and comedians come there from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by the prosecution that he’s going to be a free man and he gets to keep all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is moving to Alaska. (Jay Leno)

You know what’s interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas, asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors and Bush said, “You know, since I left office, I don’t really follow the Iraq war anymore.” (Jay Leno)

A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that’s the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh? (Jay Leno)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

That Michigan man who was seen performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum was sentenced to 90 days in jail. His public defender advised him that it was time to finally come clean. (Jerry Perisho)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Hillary Clinton warned Friday that Mexico border chaos is escalating. The drug cartel violence has spread north into Phoenix and San Diego. It’s just another in a long series of problems that would be solved if people just paid their bills on time. (Argus Hamilton)

Police have discovered a large border tunnel being used to smuggled drugs into California. Federal officials have responded to the tunnel by immediately imposing a $3.50 toll. (Jake Novak)

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday that Americans share the blame for the Mexican border drug violence because we buy the drugs and sell the guns. Hold the outrage. These are the only two industries which haven’t asked the U.S. government for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

I think the proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is the fact they’ve obviously chosen not to contact us. (Will Durst)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Brazil’s President Lula da Silva stunned his guest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, by saying the financial crisis was caused by white men with blue eyes. His economy is based on topless beaches and drug traffic. He should stop insulting his customers. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They’ve never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth. (Jay Leno)

Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can use that while she’s jogging. And she likes it. She said it’s so much easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around. (Jay Leno)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

President Obama sat next to German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G-20 dinner. He has already gone a long way towards improving U. S.-German relations. Three words: No shoulder rub. (Janice Hough)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The Principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish people as “apes” and Christians as “pigs” and says they will continue to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky are we that the Saudis are our allies. (Jay Leno)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea made launch preparations Thursday for a long-range missile which is capable of reaching the West Coast of the United States. The situation is the talk of Los Angeles. Wherever that missile lands will be the site of our new NFL stadium. (Argus Hamilton)

At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China. (Jay Leno)

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Sunday there are no plans to shoot down North Korea’s soon-to-be-launched missile. All the U.S. states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP’s prospects for the next presidential election look a little brighter. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

According to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that’ll help you fall asleep. (Jay Leno)

A dietitian wants a warning label placed on the 4,800-calorie hamburgers that will be offered at West Michigan Whitecaps minor league baseball games. This thing weighs four pounds. It has five beef patties, five slices of cheese, chili, and corn chips; all on an eight-inch bun. Eating this thing is a lot like raising one of the Menendez brothers; if it doesn’t give you a heart attack that night, it’s gonna kill you when you get up in the morning. (Jerry Perisho)

According to a neurologist at the Tabriz Medical University in Iran, you can clear up your sinuses by pleasuring yourself or by having sex. So next time you get caught watching porn, remember to look at your wife, sneeze and tell her you have a cold. (Pedro Bartes)

A World Health Organization official says tuberculosis could take a thousand years to eradicate. In other words, victims waiting for a cure shouldn’t hold their breath.(Jim Barach)

Johnson & Johnson has come out with a new pill that cures premature ejaculation. The way it works is that you take the pill and then two minutes later it suddenly makes you think of the chicks on “The View.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs. (Bill Maher)

The EPA is going to test the air of schools in 22 states to see if there are any harmful chemicals floating around. Of course, they’ll steer clear of the boys’ room.. where toxic chemicals have been coming out for years. (Tim Hunter)

According to a new survey, more than one in nine children in the U. S. use herbal supplements or some other form of alternative medicine. The number would be even higher but they decided not to include “have mommy kiss the boo-boo.” (Paul Seaburn)

A study says that name brand heart drugs are no better than their generic counterparts. Mostly because of the relapses suffered when people get their name brand prescription bills. (Jim Barach)

Scientists are working on a drug to cure kleptomaniacs. They admit such an remedy should have been perfected years ago. But for some reason, the formula in the lab kept disappearing. (Alan Ray)

After extensive studies, researchers at the University of Wisconsin have identified the ideal running pace. Forget the research–I believe the perfect running pace is just slightly faster than whatever’s chasing you. (Bill Mihalic)

SPORTS

We’re down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we’re down to the last four working banks in America. (Craig Ferguson)

Terrell Owens didn’t show up for the Buffalo Bills’ voluntary conditioning camp, but it’s not like he’s not thinking about his new team. He asked the Bills to mail him a photo of coach Dick Jauron, so T.O. will know who to yell at when he doesn’t get enough passes. (Scott Ostler)

The NFL was reported Monday to be thinking of letting players wear advertising logos on their uniforms. The ads will be seen not just on games, but on SportsCenter forever. As more and more companies get bailed out, you can watch the highlight reels year after year and get more and more resentful over how they wasted their money. (Argus Hamilton)

A Michigan baseball team is offering a 4,800 calorie hamburger. The four pound burger costs $20. That means that on a good night the stadium seats and your arteries can both be filled to capacity.(Jim Barach)

Anna Kournikova rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange one morning last week. Moments later the Dow Jones index fell 6-0, 6-0. (Cam Hutchinson)

The Nottingham England Rugby Club put 1,000 blow-up dolls in the grandstand seats to make the atmosphere look better on TV and film, the newest way to inflate your attendance figures. (Len Berman)

Chicago officials met with IOC officials Friday and made the case for Chicago to host the Summer Olympics in seven years. It’s premature. They shouldn’t make any decision until after the games in London, when we find out if the American team defects or comes home. (Argus Hamilton)

With Yankee Sod now up for sale to the public, could Cubs Grass be next? Does this need a punchline? OK: Incredibly popular, but almost always dead by the end of summer. (Janice Hough)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged expanding the NFL season to eighteen games with the Super Bowl delayed until President’s Day weekend. The unions are against the idea. For forty years the Monday after the Super Bowl has been a paid hangover day. (Argus Hamilton)

Front row seats at Yankee Stadium are going for $2,600. But they are good seats, you are close enough to inject steroids in the player’s butts. (Alex Kaseberg)

Houston shortstop Miguel Tejada was sentenced to a year’s probation for misleading Congress. If he would have broken the law and completely lied to Congress to cover it up, he could have been sentenced to bailout money and a huge corporate executive bonus.(Jim Barach)

A New York administrative law judge has ruled that an Albany-area exotic club is exempt from paying state sales taxes because pole dancing qualifies as art. The ruling not only saved Nite Moves $129,000, it made professional athletes the nation’s No. 1 patron of the arts. (Dwight Perry)

NFL owners met in Dana Point Tuesday and discussed extending the NFL season to eighteen games a year. The timing is perfect to introduce a longer season. Now that everybody has stopped remodeling their houses, men need something to do with their Sundays. (Argus Hamilton)

The baseball season begins next week. There will be 45,000 Phillies fans on their feet all shouting that familiar refrain. “But officer, I haven’t had that much to drink.” (Alan Ray)

The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn’t adjusted for the pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks occurred. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, “Wolverine,” that’s coming out this summer? The F. B.I. is investigating it. There’s an HD version that was leaked online. As soon as the F. B.I. solves the case, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden. (Jimmy Fallon)

A report says more and more video games are being targeted to toddlers. “Absolutely not true,” says Take-Two Interactive, makers of the new summer release “Grand Theft Tricycle.” (Alan Ray)

“Monsters vs. Aliens” is out in theaters. The film will have you on the edge of your seat. That’s because the 5-year- old behind you won’t stop kicking the chair. (Alan Ray)

Dexter starring Michael C. Hall became an iPhone game Monday in which the idea is to butcher someone while the audience roots for you. Dexter only murders villains. When you download the game you have to specify whether you are Democrat or Republican. (Argus Hamilton)

“Fast and Furious” is out in theaters this weekend. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker had to perform stunts with cars at a location the public wasn’t anywhere near. An auto dealership. (Alan Ray)

“The Guiding Light” will go off the air after 72 years. The soap opera has become irrelevant. Now if viewers want to see constant bickering and melodrama they watch Simon and Paula. (Alan Ray)

MGM will make a movie about the Three Stooges starring Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benecio Del Toro. When the actors were first told about the project, instead of Larry, Moe and Curly they thought they would be playing Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.(Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Critics say a proposal to rescue the newspaper industry would invite government control of content. Said one editor, “Do we really want ‘Doonesbury’ to stop being funny? Oh, wait…” (Todd Long)

Rush Limbaugh’s ratings got a big jump in March as the Democrats demonized him daily. Nothing annoys this administration like a white male quoting the Constitution. Their strategy is first to get them off the radio and then to get them off the currency. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill O’Reilly refuses to see Sean Penn movies. O’Reilly really wanted to see “Milk”. He thinks it’s the life story of Louis Pasteur. (Jerry Perisho)

CELEBRITIES

Donald Trump has his own line of meat. (no, the boxes aren’t topped with a toupee) Trump’s Kobe beef filet costs over $150 a pound. Nobody has paid that much for meat since, well, Alex Rodriguez and Elliot Spitzer. (Alex Kaseberg)

The ’80s band Spandau Ballet will tour again. The hour-and-a-half concert will feature a collection of their most famous music. They haven’t decided what to do with the other 87 minutes. (Alan Ray)

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” They fired him for drinking on the job. They could tell Rodman was drunk when he hit on Joan and Melissa Rivers. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton is lobbying to play Tinkerbell in a new movie version of Peter Pan. In the Paris Hilton version, Tinkerbell would spread pixie dust as well as a troublesome rash. (Conan O’Brien)

Britney Spears has paid more than $2 Million in lawyers’ fees since her father was named her conservator. Just think how much better that money would have been spent on singing or acting lessons. (Jim Barach)

Natalie Cole has received thousands of offers from fans who want to donate a kidney to the ailing singer. Cole says she’ll get back to those fans as soon as she finishes speaking with all her other fans who have been offering here heroin and cocaine. (Jake Novak)

Grammy-winning singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. The bad news is he could face charges, the good news is he made the mile high club all by himself. (Alex Kaseberg)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Michael Vick must show remorse for hosting dogfights before he can be reinstated. It seems snobbish to target dogfighting and cockfighting. Not everybody has the wardrobe to trade on the New York Stock Exchange. (Argus Hamilton)

Megan Joy was voted off “American Idol” this week. You could see that disappointment was written all over her face, since there wasn’t any room to write anything on her right arm. She’ll now focus her efforts on her new organization, “People for the right to bare arms and have them tattooed.” (Tim Hunter)

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will reunite this weekend at Radio City Music Hall, not for a concert, just to swap prescription medications and tubs of Ben-Gay. (Jake Novak)

Candy Spelling put her Beverly Hills mansion on the market for one hundred and fifty million dollars. It has a hundred rooms, high walls, and a guardhouse at the gate. She has a month to sell it before the city seizes it and turns it into the Beverly Hills Jail. (Argus Hamilton)

Bernie Madoff trading cards will be sold this summer as part of a set featuring other white-collar criminals such as D. B. Cooper and Charles Ponzi.On the back, it says Madoff is 5-feet, 8-inches tall, weighs 160 pounds and likes to sing “Some Enchanted Evening” when his cell mate crawls into bed with him. (Jerry Perisho)

The Smoking Gun reported Thursday that Sham Wow commercial spokesman Vince Shlomi got in a fight with a hooker in his hotel room. It’s easy to deduce what started the fight. When he ordered one hooker he thought he’d get two, plus free steak knives. (Argus Hamilton)

The National Enquirer reports that the Octomom did some pole dancing before she had 14 kids. Apparently, she didn’t do it for the money; she was jus walking around with a tube collecting samples from the clients. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Enquirer reports that Octo-mom Nadya Suleman had a brief stint as a stripper in a men’s club. Then, when one guy came up and tucked eight $1 into her G-string she said, “Ooh, I’ve got an idea!” (Tim Hunter)

EDUCATION

As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And, reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on medicine, are going back to school. “Hey, Gramps gotta eat.” (Joe Hickman)

RELIGION

Did you hear about the Church of England where people are so upset they are leaving the Church. They are going through de-baptisms. Not so popular is the Jewish de-circumcision service! [Jay Leno]

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to a new book by a Canadian business professor, procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world. The author promises a solution in his next book which he’ll start writing as soon as he finds some time. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing. (Jay Leno)

I guess they’re going to, like, be in the car business. President Obama said the United States government will stand by your car’s warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five years. He said you can take that to the bank, assuming your bank is still around. (Jay Leno)

American Airlines will soon make the internet available to all domestic passengers. This is great news for business travelers who need to go online several times an hour to check if they’ve been laid off yet. (Jake Novak)

President Obama bluntly rejected the reorganization plans submitted by General Motors and Chrysler. He didn’t even have to go back to the general manager’s office to have him review the deal. (Jerry Perisho)

The President tells the auto companies big changes are needed—fins, chrome, and two-tone paint jobs for starts. Vinyl roofs. Tinted bug screens. (Michael Feldman)

So the United States government is now running General Motors, because if there’s anyone who knows anything about streamlining costs, it’s the U. S. government, ladies and gentlemen. (David Letterman)

A New York businessman is launching a new Kosher tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo. Certified by a rabbi, the tequila is guaranteed to knock you on your tokhes. What makes it Kosher? Is the worm circumcised? (Peter Lipsey)

HOLIDAYS

By golly, you know what it is? April Fool’s Day. Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody. It is crazy when you think about it. Bush has only been out of office 10 weeks and he already has his own national holiday. (David Letterman)

Compiled by Stan Kegel