WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

How many miss the good old days, when America was just morally bankrupt? (Gil Ross)

One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay? (Jay Leno)

London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese communists are now the capitalists, France’s president is Hungarian, the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards. (Argus Hamilton)

A seismologist said that his warning of the quake in Italy was removed from the internet. Officials said his warning was based on shaky research. (Robert Stupple)

Plaxico Burress, released by Giants, awaits next shot with another team. (Dwight Perry)

President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute monarchy she’s got first claim on the job. (Argus Hamilton)

Washington State’s execution team has resigned. Apparently they heard that the economy was going to cause a lot of heads to roll. (Jim Barach)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

While Michelle Obama was getting a peck on the cheek from the President of France, the first lady of France offered President Obama a handshake instead of a kiss. I feel a Certs commercial coming on. (Tim Hunter)

Michelle Obama was a huge hit in Britain at the G-20 Summit. She was adored by the British press and public and children who followed her everywhere. She’s so much like Princess Diana it rekindled the passion between Prince Charles and Camilla. (Argus Hamilton)

On his way home from his trip abroad, President Obama made a short, unscheduled stop in Bagdad. The stop was so short Air Force One didn’t even land. The president used one of A.I.G.’s golden parachutes. (Bill Williams)

So Obama is back from his European trip. I feel bad for him. He has gone from Baden-Baden to Biden-Biden. (Marc Ragovin)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The White House issued a toll-free number for a recorded foreign policy update from Hillary Clinton on Friday, but the number turned out to be a phone sex line. It was an honest goof. They accidentally gave out the number for the Bill Clinton update. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to work with Iran. She doesn’t care what they do as long as they come up the back stairs and don’t go public with it. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama’s gifts to our allies. They’re all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown DVDs that won’t play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, and he gave the Italian government Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)

Homer Simpson’s picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp. The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It’s okay to put Homer Simpson’s face on a stamp but they really ought to replace him as Postmaster General. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

I don’t want to say the economic picture looks bleak, but people are already beginning to talk about the Greater Depression. (Tulla Brendingulo)

There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against Alaska’s convicted former U. S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a legend in Washington D. C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in forty years that he’s banned in two religions. (Argus Hamilton)

The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska’s former Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill. (Argus Hamilton)

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco products, which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about the same as a bottle of Viagra.” (Jake Novak)

Congress voted Thursday to give the FDA power to regulate tobacco. This is the perfect chance for the tobacco states to legalize pot smoking. Restaurant patrons may not like the smell at first but everybody will be used to it by the third dessert. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana’s streets are filled with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. (Jay Leno)

Illinois’s former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted for fraud on Friday. It’s unfair. When he tried to sell a U. S. Senate seat for a million dollars last September he had no idea it would only be worth three hundred thousand dollars six months later. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center’s name because the Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We’re lucky al-Qaeda isn’t opening an office there or kids would have to be taught that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canadian geese. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Hey, here’s some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But Madoff’s lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore. (Jay Leno)

You know you have a drinking problem when your car is a barstool. Police in Ohio arrested a man after he crashed his motorized barstool. Although in his defense, the man said he was depressed because he just lost his job as CEO of General Motors. (Bill Maher)

A report by the FBI says that Internet crime is up 33%. And that doesn’t even include people who actually pay money to sign up for AOL. (Jim Barach)

IMMIGRATION

President Obama goes to Mexico next week for a presidential summit while he’s under pressure by Latino leaders to ease immigration laws. Immigrants do the jobs Americans refuse to do. No American wants to be president of GM for what Obama’s willing to pay. (Argus Hamilton)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The Iowa Supreme Court has ruled that a gay marriage ban in the state is unconstitutional. The decision could affect all seven gay people living in Iowa. (Jim Barach)

NASA & SPACE

Scientists are worried about the increasing amount of “space junk” in orbit. Especially whatever it is that’s beaming down Dish Network’s basic package. (Todd Long)

There is so much discarded trash in outer space that three times last month, the International Space Station was almost hit by some useless hunk of floating metal? So, you’ve got to give the human race credit. Only humans could visit an infinite void and leave it cluttered. Not only have we screwed up our own planet, somehow we have also managed to use up all the space in space. (Bill Maher)

You know what’s up there? Old satellites, spent rocket boosters. Neil Armstrong’s golf club. That canister with Gene Roddenberry’s ashes. Empty Tang jars. Discarded astronaut diapers. It’s over 100,000 items, my favorite being a NASA space glove, which, in 1965, was lost by astronaut Ed White. I can’t tell you why he had his glove off except to say that, in space, it can get very lonely. (Bill Maher)

The space station urine-to-drinking-water purifier continues to malfunction. On a side note, the space shuttle has cancelled All-The-Asparagus-You-Can-Eat night. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Russian Soyuz space capsule carrying billionaire Charles Simonyi and a Russian-American crew touched down safely in Kazakhstan. Simonyi paid $60 million for the two trips, but the second one was slightly more because he checked two bags. (Paul Seaburn)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Cabo San Lucas reported big college crowds last month for spring break. That’s when college students head for Mexico to drink, do drugs and have sex. After that they go back to school and return to the same old grind–drink, do drugs and have sex. (Argus Hamilton)

Prison inmates in Brazil have trained carrier pigeons to bring them cell phones. If you’re talking to one of these guys, don’t ask them how many bars they have. (Jerry Perisho)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says that fat babies tend to become overweight toddlers. Experts are placing the blame on role models, saying that Barney and the Teletubbies need to slim down to stop setting a bad example. (Jim Barach)

A report says 1 in 5 preschoolers is obese. McDonalds’ new dessert treat addresses the problem. The McSkittles. (Alan Ray)

A government medical panel says that all teenagers should be tested for depression. The only other group that suffers a higher depression rate is AIG stockholders. (Jim Barach)

Researchers suspect a rise in oral sex is to blame for increased cases of tonsil cancer. They’ve also found that a decrease in oral sex is to blame for increased cases of divorce.” (Jake Novak)

The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you are suicidal they make you pay in advance. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

This is a great time in sports. The NCAA finals just ended, the Masters is starting this week and opening day in Major League Baseball is so recent the players still have the band aids on their butts from their first steroid injection. (Alex Kaseberg)

Palm Harbor (Fla.) University High School has suspended its baseball coach over reports that players — believing their team was snakebit — beheaded a serpent and buried it on the pitcher’s mound, the Tampa Tribune reported. Investigators immediately vowed to get the cutoff man. (Dwight Perry)

Honcho Hal Steinbrenner admits that some of his team’s tickets at the New Yankee Stadium — like the $2,625 ones, for instance, might be overpriced. In related news, fire might be hot, water might be wet. (Drew Curtis)

The New York Yankees were reported Wednesday to be having trouble selling their five-thousand-dollar box seats. The perks that come with the tickets are nice. If you give a pitcher the thumbs down during a tough inning a lion will come out and eat him. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it’s not officially a depression until prohibition is repealed. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees on Saturday unveiled their new Yankee Stadium. It’s built for a really good time. It includes a sports bar with disco music and a full view of the field where women drink for half-price, and that’s just the Yankees dugout. (Argus Hamilton)

The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. They thought of everything. They even have a team eye, ear, nose and throat specialist for when Alex Rodriguez chokes in the Fall. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Masters is in Augusta, Georgia. What do Tigers Woods and a Bear Stearns investor have in common? Both are in the hole very quickly. (Alan Ray)

The 43-year-old wife of 20-year-old Pirates prospect Jose Tabata was accused of taking a 2-month-old baby from a Florida health clinic. Obviously not her first attempt at robbing the cradle. (Jerry Wolski)

Disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, earning 12 cents an hour as a janitor in prison, has a $10-an-hour construction job lined up once he’s out on work-release. That makes Vick one of the few people in the country in line for a big raise, at least below the executive level, anyway. (David Thomas)

An amateur soccer player in Stretford, England, got red-carded for “breaking wind” to distract an opponent who was taking a free kick. That’s one way to create space. (The Manchester Evening News)

Gun shots were reportedly fired on the paparazzi after Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and model Gisele Bündchen renewed their wedding vows in Costa Rica on Saturday. Brady had no comment, although witnesses heard someone yell, “Who invited Plaxico?” (Reggie Hayes)

This is the first weekend of the MLB season. At the new Mets Stadium, shiny porcelain fixtures replace what fans had become used to as a bathroom facility. The subway. (Alan Ray)

A recent article said that the Mets new home, Citi Field, has some seats with restricted views. Hey, given the last two seasons, Manager Jerry Manuel is hoping they are in the dugout. (Marc Ragovin)

A minor league baseball team in Texas, the Grand Prairie AirHogs, will hold a special “Octomom Night” this season. If the team scores eight runs that night, everybody gets a free ticket to another game. (Jerry Perisho)

CELEBRITIES

A judge has rejected Madonna’s petition to adopt another child from Malawi. She is already mother to 3 pampered children. Four, if you count Alex Rodriguez. (Alan Ray)

A court in Malawi turned down Madonna’s adoption request. First Guy Ritchie divorces her then Alex Rodriguez dumps her, then her 22-year-old Brazilian boy toy dumps her and now she can’t adopt a boy. Things are bad for Madonna when Rosie O’Donnell is doing better with the guys. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jessica Simpson wants to become a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars”. Right now she’s practicing her 2-step. “One, two, three, One, two, three. One, two, three…” (Alan Ray)

Chloris Leachman posed in a gown made of lettuce and red cabbage and posed for a PETA ad campaign to promote vegetarianism. No reports of anyone becoming a vegetarian, but many people did lose their appetite completely. (Doug Austen)

Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman publicized her just-released autobiography Friday by posing nude in front of cameras wearing nothing but lettuce. There was no danger of exposure. All the farm workers have gone back to Mexico because of the economy. (Argus Hamilton)

Sarah Palin is furious at Levi Johnston, the father of her daughter Bristol’s baby Tripp, for spilling his guts about their sex life on “The Tyra Banks Show”. How furious? Right now Levi can see Sarah’s Russian AK47 from his house. (Alex Kaseberg)

Todd Palin denies that Sarah Palin ever shopped at Saks. Apparently Palin just had her chauffeur take her personal shopper there to have her body double fitted with the custom wardrobe. (Jim Barach)

Valerie Bertinelli appears in a bikini in the latest issue of People. Don’t be surprised to see Mackenzie Phillips when you get a copy, as she may be working the cash register that day. (Todd Long)

Miss Universe from Venezuela was criticized for blogging about the beauty of Guantanamo Bay while on a visit there. She explained that conditions there are a picnic compared to being in a dressing room full of other beauty pageant contestants. (Jim Barach)

Dave Arneson, the creator of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game, has died at age 61. Arneson is credited with helping millions more teenage boys remain virgins than the “Promise Keepers.” (Jake Novak)

EDUCATION

Earlier this week, President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

This is a holy week for Christians. Biblical scholars say during the Last Supper with his 12 Disciples, Jesus wept. The server wouldn’t do separate checks. (Alan Ray)

Did you hear about the Church of England where people are so upset they are leaving the Church. They are going through de-baptisms. Not so popular is the Jewish de-circumcision service! [Jay Leno]

BUSINESS & LABOR

GM CEO Rick Wagoner resigned under pressure from the Obama Administration. His last four years saw the company lay off 25,000 employees and lose $85 Billion, but he leaves with a pension of $23 Million. Of course if he is paid in GM stock that would amount to $17.32. (Jim Barach)

Goldman Sachs is looking to sell billions of new shares of stock. The plan relies on finding a few billion investors who haven’t read the business news for the last 18 months. (Jake Novak)

Compiled by Stan Kegel