WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-02-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Not so very long ago we were all told that a black man would be President when pigs fly. On the 100 day of Barack Obama’s Presidency… swine flu! (Author Unknown)

Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget? (Jay Leno)

They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico. (David Letterman)

Americans are becoming more optimistic about the nation’s economy, a new survey showed Wednesday. This explains why Fox News didn’t carry the Obama news conference. No need to alarm Republicans. (Joe Hickman)

I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City. (Jay Leno)

With the new tax, cigarettes now cost $10 a pack in New York. Cigarettes are so expensive, second-hand smoke has been renamed “pre-owned” smoke. (Bill Williams)

No matter how bad your job is, remember: You are not the Mexican Minister of Tourism. (Will Durst)

I had a rough day yesterday with this swine flu business. I walked into my bank wearing a mask — it was all downhill from there. (Jeff Showell)

Hollywood is working on a new movie about Chrysler: “Chitty Chitty Bankrupt.” (Jake Novak)

Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I’m not sure what to do this year. I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm. (Jay Leno)

A Chicago cemetery unveiling a Wrigley-themed mausoleum. Can you imagine, if the Cubs ever break their current one-century slump, everybody rolling over at once? Best guess is it would spark the mother of all urned runs. (Steve Schrader)

The home runs are flying out of the new Yankee Stadium, to give you an idea, ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer could score there without hiring a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)

Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got a gay judge who only looked at her shoes. (Argus Hamilton)

THE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS

Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law. Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage. (David Letterman)

Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac. (David Letterman)

President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner. (David Letterman)

Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office. (Jay Leno)

Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We can’t return him now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE SWINE FLU

To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U. S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years? (Jimmy Kimmel)

It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu, Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives. (Jay Leno)

Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? (Craig Ferguson)

The World Health Organization insisted yesterday that the swine flu virus doesn’t spread with the contact with pigs, and Bill Clinton immediately sighed with relief. (Pedro Bartes)

To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U. S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard. (Jay Leno)

Doctors say that the swine flu can be treated with Tamiflu and Relenza. Awesome! Now, I have to find a way to cross to Mexico and buy them cheaper there. (Pedro Bartes)

World health officials are worried the swine flu may turn into a pandemic. A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic. The last time we had one of those we got the lambada. (Bill Williams)

It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks. (David Letterman)

Biden did it again. Joe Biden was on the “Today” show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don’t ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don’t think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease. (Jay Leno)

New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City. (David Letterman)

He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Well, they say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its start in Mexico and came up here? Employees. (Jay Leno)

During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks. (Jay Leno)

New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick’s Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell. (David Letterman)

The swine flu outbreak is hurting the already strapped U.S. travel industry. Most U.S. airlines are now charging travellers a special $25 surcharge if they don’t want to be seated next to a Mexican. (Jake Novak)

Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they’re trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER

In a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess. (Jay Leno)

Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There’s talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party. (Jay Leno)

This really is big, because Specter’s move puts the Democrats within a hair’s breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate’s balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. (Jon Stewart)

Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted donkey flu. We should have seen this coming, folks. Specter was exhibiting the classic symptoms of donkey flu: mild fever, and being 21 points behind in Republican primary polls. (Stephen Colbert)

Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan? (Craig Ferguson)

Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don’t you think? I mean, for years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you’ve got to start lying out the left side of your mouth. (Jay Leno)

He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.” (Craig Ferguson)

Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!” (Jay Leno)

The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.” Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference. He might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?” (Craig Ferguson)

The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Obama met with representatives of the credit card industry. Apparently the stimulus package has already resulted in the White House maxing out both its Visa and Master Card. (Jim Barach)

This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE ADMINISTRATION

THE ECONOMY

The economy is rough, to save money, today five Republicans switched to democrat and then switched to Geico to save money on their car insurance. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wall Street surged by 168 points on Wednesday. Mostly on the news that swine flu only kills poor people. (Frank King)

This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new survey shows that rich people feel guilty when they buy luxury items like jewelry in a bad economy, but not as bad as taxpayers when we buy stupid things like Chrysler, Citigroup and AIG in a bad economy. (Jake Novak)

A poll says that 59% of Americans feel the bank bailout is a bad idea. The other 41% are Wall Street Executives. (Jim Barach)

Wall Street reacted predictably to the swine flu scare Tuesday. Airline stocks fell but pharmaceuticals rebounded. They had been very depressed on reports that President Obama was going to heal the sick, but when he didn’t the drug stocks rallied. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Congress is back at work amid a national scare over swine flu. It took awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the Budget Committee until health officials explained to the lawmakers that they cannot catch it from pork (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama’s budget was passed by the Democrats in Congress Wednesday. It puts the country four trillion dollars in debt. It’s hard to believe Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House twenty-five years ago just for borrowing dresses. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court. After more than 18 years on the nation’s highest court, Souter finally feels like it’s time to talk to a woman. (Jake Novak)

The FDA obeyed a court order Wednesday to let seventeen-year-old girls get the morning-after birth control pill. The label’s specific. The pill can only be taken by women because, generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found on the morning after. (Argus Hamilton)

The U. S. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday a lawsuit by five former terror suspects of the CIA can go forward. They say they were kidnapped, beaten, cut with scalpels and shocked. The Thanksgiving table at the Cheney house is not for the faint of heart. (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court debated overturning part of the Voting Rights Act Tuesday. Opponents warn that just because a black man is president doesn’t mean America is any less racist. They showed photos of a dog barking ferociously at a black man, and it was Bo. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Iowa’s historic same-sex marriage law went into effect on Monday. No one should be surprised that Iowa has gay people. It was only a matter of time after the Music Man came to River City before choreography took its inevitable toll on the farm population. (Argus Hamilton)

Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events Tuesday to slow swine flu. That’s a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

With the new cigarette tax, a pack of smokes in New York costs $10; it is so expensive to smoke in New York now, in Times Square, the hookers are offering a $50 special that includes blowing smoke. (Alex Kaseberg)

A deputy sheriff in Florida who has served 21 years with the office has resigned after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joy ride. If there is a mother-in-law involved can it technically be called a joy ride? (Doug Austen)

A fifth-grader in Indiana was arrested for selling marijuana at his school. His teacher knew something was up when she asked what three plus two is and he answered, “Five ounces.” (Jimmy Fallon)

THE DEMOCRATS

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before cameras Thursday and denied ever being briefed in secret about CIA torture methods six years ago. It looks like we’ll never know. Thanks to Botox you can’t tell if she’s lying, laughing or just lost a relative. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he wants CIA files declassified for his memoirs. Apparently he can’t use his old method of having Scooter Libby leak them to the press. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. The attack made no sense. You would think that people who want to destroy America would spare Hollywood out of professional courtesy. (Argus Hamilton)

A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location, a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office. (Jay Leno)

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. They continued to waterboard him because they didn’t think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were
panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house? (Jay Leno)

The White House was locked down Friday after a Cessna flew into restricted air space. The pilot faces serious fines. As soon as the Democrats took office they restricted the air space over Washington to protect the birds from being struck by planes. (Argus Hamilton)

IMMIGRATION

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

It’s happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State. (Jay Leno)

THE MILITARY

NASA & SPACE

NASA is scrapping its long-time plans to build a base on the moon. The space agency just doesn’t have a credit raring high enough to get a mortgage. (Jake Novak)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

Over 100 countries agreed on a U. N. declaration to combat intolerance worldwide — unless it’s aimed at Miss California. (Todd Long)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico City’s soccer stadium was empty by national order during Sunday’s match due to swine flu. It’s all the news. There were two thousand cases in Mexico and seventy cases in California, which means that the border fence is working pretty good. (Argus Hamilton)

Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

CANADA

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French first lady Carla Bruni’s former lover’s apartment was hit Tuesday by thieves who stole old sexually intimate videos of her. She should have known she couldn’t keep those videos private forever. Under socialism you must share everything. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you. (Craig Ferguson)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Despite the fact that there is no evidence any human has contacted swine flu from contact with a pig, the Egyptian government has announced the it will slaughter 300,000 pigs. When questioned about this, an Egyptian official said, “Well, it will just be much cheaper than the one million straight-jackets we had to make for the mad cows.” (Dora Glasberg)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs. (Jay Leno)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

The Taliban advanced in Pakistan Tuesday as the U. S. and Britain weighed military options. It’s a zero-sum game. If we win, they’ll have to let women commit adultery on television shows, and if they win, they’ll only be allowed to commit it under blankets. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation’s leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person’s memory. Nature always has a way to balance itself, because you lose memory when you smoke pot but you regain it with the munchies. (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists have cloned dogs, dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now. (Craig Ferguson)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Al Gore testified before Congress on Earth Day Wednesday about the need to save the planet from global warming. Democrats don’t have a monopoly on love for the planet. Every Earth Day the Republicans used recycled water on the terror suspects at Guantanamo. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Michael Phelps will unveil his new freestyle stroke May 14. I predict he’ll come out smoking. (Scott Ostler)

Lost: one celebrated bra among the legal briefs. The black sports model that Brandi Chastain so famously flashed at the 1999 World Cup was seized when the Sports Museum of America in New York declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Adding further insult, Chastain said she was told she’d have to pay $250 plus shipping to get her donated exhibit out of mothballs. She replied, “Thank goodness I have another one.” (The Wall Street Journal)

A 9-year-old girl playing sandlot baseball in Portland was miraculously rescued by her playmates after she plunged about 20 feet when an old septic system gave way while she was running to first base. Or to put it in baseball terms, she went deep in the hole. (Dwight Perry)

Rachel Pitt and Garry Keates got married in London on Sunday — but not until they ran the first 24 miles of the London Marathon and took a detour into St. Bride’s Church.Upon taking their vows, they completed the final 2.2 miles running hand-in-hand. Pitt, a first-time marathoner, told said “There were moments when I just wanted to go home and wondered why we’d put ourselves through this. It’s been the best day of my life, but I’ll never do it again.” (London Daily Mail)

The makers of M&M’s announced that the popular candy is now available in the colors of all 30 NBA teams. Enhancing the authenticity, the Clippers M&M’s even melt in your hands. (Dwight Perry)

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia’s Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight million dollar deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will still be a Detroit six years from now. (Argus Hamilton)

On the very campus where they filmed the 1978 classic, life imitated art this week when the University of Oregon’s third-ranked Ultimate Frisbee club team — already on double-secret probation — had the plug pulled on its season for playing rival Oregon State in the nude, the Eugene Register-Guard reported. The team was already in trouble for getting four speeding tickets on its way to a competition at Stanford and for serving alcohol to underage students. A five-student board upheld the ban despite team co-captain Dusty Becker’s assertion that “speeding, drinking, nudity — they’re not bad things. They’re things a big portion of the community doesn’t think are wrong.” Added Steve Kenton, the other co-captain: “I came to the UO to play Frisbee. That may sound silly, but a lot of people do.” On the bright side, at least Dean Wormer didn’t threaten to call their draft boards first thing Monday morning. (Dwight Perry)

The New York Yankees slashed the price of their twenty-five hundred dollar box seats. Nobody wanted to be seen sitting in such splendor. The only faster way to be dragged in front of Barney Frank is to be named People magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees cut in half the price of those twenty-five hundred dollar seats Tuesday. Nobody sat in them during the first homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly the seats are only worth twenty-five hundred dollars if they face the other way. (Argus Hamilton)

Yankee Stadium’s premium priced seats that sell between $500-2,600 have been going mostly empty this season. Mostly because the only people who make enough money to afford them are the Yankees. (Jim Barach)

The trainer of a soccer team in Bolivia says he prescribed Viagra to at least nine players in order to help them play better in high altitudes. I don’t know if they are going to be able to score during the game, but after the game… no doubt! (Pedro Bartes)

Tennis star, Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. They met through their agent. But it’s more romantic. He dated her on Facebook where he upgraded her to a relationship, he tweeted that he loved her on Twitter, but he proposed the old fashioned way: E-mail. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by Dubai’s Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She’s well-trained. The jockey is under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in public with a stallion that’s not a family member. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick was offered a contract by the Arena Football League next month when he leaves prison. He won’t need the job. Michael Vick could become a national hero by arranging swine fights until the pig population’s no longer a threat to public health. (Argus Hamilton)

The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday. The owner of the winning thoroughbred gets a 7-figure purse. The winning thoroughbred gets some hay. (Alan Ray)

During the first round of the NBA playoffs Monday, the Denver Nuggets defeated the New Orleans Hornets 121-63; a 58 point win. In the middle of the fourth quarter, the New Orleans Arena was so empty and quiet you could hear the Hornets players asking when football season starts. (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus. (Jimmy Fallon)

“Wolverine” is out in theaters this weekend. The guy with the extremely powerful claws suffers a near fatal injury. He gets a case of poison ivy. (Alan Ray)

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, the big blockbuster movie about a mutant superhero, didn’t open in Mexico Monday because of the swine flu. Wolverine had the sniffles and the theater had that new “Sneeze-o-Vision” technology, where an on-screen sneeze actually sprays the audience. Wow, bad timing. (Jerry Perisho)

“Battle for Terra” is out in theaters this weekend. A peaceful planet of aliens is threatened with annihilation by humans from earth. They attempt to build a chain of fast food restaurants. (Alan Ray)

Variety reported Saturday that the William Morris Agency of Beverly Hills will merge with Endeavor and combine their roster of entertainment clients. Business is booming at the agencies. They get ten percent of all their clients’ unemployment checks. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get waterboarded for charity. Rupert Murdock is concerned; he’s afraid Hannity might end up confessing that Fox news is not that Fair and Balance. (Pedro Bartes)

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. If the money goes to the troops, we all have to be sure Hannity stays at least 30 minutes under water. (Pedro Bartes)

Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their sex. Unfortunately for Simon, the couple was Ryan Seacrest and Klay Aken. (Pedro Bartes)

Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me.” Apparently “Lie to Me” is exactly what the Fox audience wants. (Pedro Bartes)

The New York Times and Detroit Free Press won Pulitzer Prizes for their coverage of political sex scandals. Thank goodness there is still enough real news to take our minds off the bad economy and two wars we are still fighting. (Jim Barach)

CELEBRITIES

Jay Leno is still a little steamed at the doctor. When Leno checked into the emergency room, the attending doctor asked; “So why the long face? ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Madonna was voted the Hardest Working Mother in show business. I don’t think Madonna should trust this poll because Britney finished second and Octomom third. She can’t wait to share the award with her kids next month from 7PM to 7:10 PM when she gets to see them (Pedro Bartes)

There’s talk circulating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Apparently, some people noticed she was wearing underwear, which is a sign that she’s afraid the kid would pop up unexpectedly. (Pedro Bartes)

Paula Abdul says that she has “never been drunk”. Apparently her behavior on “American Idol” can be attributed to pain pills, cough syrup and airplane model glue. (Jim Barach)

Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike? (Jay Leno)

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has come out against gay marriage. Apparently he feels that gays should be limited to planning marriages, not taking part in them. (Jim Barach)

Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go. All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes. (David Letterman)

Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show. He’s in jail. What do you get the guy who stole everything? (Craig Ferguson)

A federal judge has refused to give former Gov. Rod Blagojevich permission to travel to Costa Rica to appear in a reality show. He pretty much told him, “You’re Not a Celebrity and You’re Not Getting Out of Here.” (Doug Austen)

Elizabeth Edwards’s book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed her husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned. The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives. (Argus Hamilton)

The London Times revealed Friday that Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Elton John lost twenty percent of their net worth last year. They didn’t make one cent in endorsement fees. Wilfred Brimley beat them out for every commercial they read for. (Argus Hamilton)

Blagojevich’s wife, Patti, also has been approached to appear on “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” But she’s holding off until she hears back from “Wife Swap.” (Paul Seaburn)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is dating Michael Phelps. He’s said to be conflicted. At the same time he also loves Mary Jane. (Alan Ray)

The father of one of the child stars of “Slumdog Millionaire” is being accused of trying to sell her for $400,000. To which Macaulay Culkin’s father says he would have held out for a half million. (Jim Barach)

Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick. (Craig Ferguson)

Kelly McGillis has confirmed long-running rumors that she’s gay. The rumors lasted so long because the headline read, “Star of Top Gun Comes Out of Closet” and everyone just assume, well, you know. (Todd Long)

EDUCATION

The high school dropout rate is declining in some big cities. Finally the teachers having sex with their students idea seems to be working. (Pedro Bartes)

RELIGION

The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.” (Jimmy Fallon)

A church in Melbourne, Florida that holds its Sunday services in an elementary school may get evicted because of a recent series of sermons titled “Great Sex for You”. School officials say it’s not right for the church to be discussing this on campus. They say good sex should remain between a teacher and his favorite student. (Jerry Perisho)

HISTORY

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Moonlite Bunny Ranch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an “apprenticeship” at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

I thought it was interesting that GM is now offering job-loss insurance on their cars… so that if you lose your job after you buy your GM car, they’ll make the payments for you! The interesting part is that GM employees are not allowed to take part. I’m not feeling the confidence. (Tim Hunter)

GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM. (David Letterman)

Ford posted a $1.4 Billion first quarter loss. While GM and Chrysler are going under after receiving $17.4 Billion in government loans, Ford can be satisfied in knowing they are going broke all by themselves. (Jim Barach)

G. M.’s massive restructuring plan reportedly includes plant closures and changes to its eight brands. Also, no more throwing in the undercoating for free. (Todd Long)

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that waterboarding when you really need it? (Jay Leno)

GM is going to shit down most of its plants for nine weeks during the summer. The sad part is that they will be just as productive during that time as they are now. (Jim Barach)

Warren Buffett holds his annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He’s rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak he invested in Get Well cards. (Argus Hamilton)

American pork plants are requiring workers to shower and change clothes in an attempt to contain swine flu. Kind of makes you hope for an outbreak of “cab driver flu.” (Todd Long)

HOLIDAYS

The timing of this Mexican swine flu is just perfect. On Cinco de Mayo, when the kids swing the bat and crack open the piñata, doses of Tamiflu will come flying out. The kids will be chasing and injecting each other; oh it will be a lot of fun. (Jerry Perisho)

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Compiled by Stan Kegel