WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and from the very best seats:
Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks at Yankee Stadium, cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles. (Phil Mushnick)

Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America didn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled the government. (Argus Hamilton)

It was a gloomy weekend for Republicans. In the Senate they faced the specter of Specter while Obama sought a suitor to replace Souter. (Pat Costa)

The Catholic Church is encouraging the use of Twitter to send prayers. This new technology is changing liturgy. “Our Father who art in heaven” is now replaced with “OMG.” (Alan Ray)

Drug manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of pharmaceuticals into waterways that serve as drinking water. Turns out Michael Phelps was getting higher swimming in the pool water than he was when he was using the bong. (Jerry Perisho)

The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that it took him 10 times longer to pick a dog? (Craig Ferguson)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana. Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization. I guess they feel that it’s high time. (Janice Hough)

Just a day after saying he wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road. Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman. (Janice Hough)

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, he was striking out pretty often… in bed. (Pedro Bartes)

Russia insists it has no plans to step up its military presence in the Arctic. Sending troops up to the North Pole can only mean it could be the start of another Cold War. (Jim Barach)

Porsche has unveiled its first four door sedan. It’s for the man who is having his mid-life crisis but just can’t quite yet afford to abandon his wife and kids. (Jim Barach)

Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing teams to the pitch that was coming. He’s now had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron’s record but nobody ever thought he’d break Bill Clinton’s. (Argus Hamilton)

I hear that President Obama called the IRS to see which tax evader he could nominate for the U. S. Supreme Court. (Bob Holzer)

Fox is already cowering down to the President– In response to President Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air ” America ‘s Most Wanted” TWICE a week. (M. Hennigan)

SWINE FLU

The swine flu appears to be relatively mild, and it’s shutting down schools. The only way this could be any better in most kids’ minds is if were “broccoli flu.” (Janice Hough)

They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff. (David Letterman)

Meanwhile, CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period. (Andy Borowitz)

Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have been the order to drink plenty of water. (Argus Hamilton)

SWINE FLU VARIANTS – COURTESY OF JANICE HOUGH

Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May
Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around home plate
Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.
San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn’t really hit anyone yet
Mine the Bird flu – You’ve never heard of it before, but you can’t catch it.
Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain, started in Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it’s finally gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.
Alex Rodriguez flu – Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it tips you off when it’s coming
Joe Biden flu. Seems innocuous, but… it… never… ends.
John Edwards flu: Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging than we thought
Norm Coleman flu: You may think you have it beat, but it can hang around for months
(Janice Hough)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Today, President Barack Obama promised to “detect and pursue” American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders. (Jay Leno)

President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate — Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly… (Jay Leno)

President and Mrs. Obama had a “date night” Saturday. They took a walk, had dinner, but then had to run to the ATM when they found out the government credit card was over its limit. (Jake Novak)

President Obama will detail a new budget proposal today to save $17 billion next year, mostly by putting the guys who work at AIG on commission. (Jake Novak)

President Obama Monday went after companies which locate in the Cayman Islands where they pay no taxes. He can’t stop himself. He’s been very bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that has given him any thrill is killing pirates. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating Friday. It’s obvious why. President Obama had another date night with his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular when the president’s seeing another woman. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012. (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It’s cut crime. New York transit police didn’t arrest anyone all day because even subway flashers were wearing surgical masks. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy. After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden’s mouth. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs. (Jay Leno)

Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That’s how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead. (Jay Leno)

The President plans to change tax policies. No longer will businesses and individuals be able to use tax havens such as the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas and the Obama administration. (Doug Austen)

The economy is improving. Here’s a sign of that: Earlier today the Yankees sold three tickets. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don’t understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send more old cars to the junkyard—it’s called “potholes.” (Bill Mihalic)

A Congressional House Panel is investigating the college football BCS system. Apparently they will get to the unemployment problem, bank insolvency and the housing crisis right after they take care of the important stuff. (Jim Barach)

THE COURTS

A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president. (Jay Leno)

President Obama announced the Supreme Court’s vacancy Friday. He made clear what he’s looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn. (Argus Hamilton)

The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is. (Bill Maher)

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire. Apparently since the Bush Administration shredded the Constitution, there just isn’t much for the Court to do these days. (Jim Barach)

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire. Souter says it’s just not as much fun since Presidential elections have gone back to being decided by the voters. (Jim Barach)

The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday. They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he’s going to retire next month. Why’s he retiring? I mean, he’s a senior citizen. What’s he going to do? He’s going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job. (Jay Leno)

President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court nominee’s life experience as much as the nominee’s judicial experience. He won’t have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter’s replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes. (David Letterman)

President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and experience as a judge. The question now is, how’s he going to get Paula Adbul through the U. S. Senate confirmation process? (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

The governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriages. You know what that means — gay lobsters. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Gay marriage is now legal in Maine. The new law will change the culture in the state dramatically. The conga line at wedding receptions will be something to see. (Alan Ray)

Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it’s time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he “wants some pot in every pot.” Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it’s already legal. (Jay Leno)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for a new debate on legalizing pot. The battle will be intense from both camps. But the post campaign parties on the pro side will be a lot more fun. (Alan Ray)

The Connecticut State Senate has approved a measure that will ban children under 16 from handling or shooting machine guns. That should make residents feel safer knowing that automatic weapons are only permissible if the shooter is at least old enough to drive. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The crown of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4. New Yorkers are looking forward to climbing up to the top of the statue and resume spitting on New Jersey. (Jake Novak)

Country music mecca Branson, Missouri is getting its first airport. This is a significant development. Previously, the only people flying there were in Willie Nelson’s bus. (Alan Ray)

A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill. He has been disbarred for double billing. (Argus Hamilton)

JOHN EDWARDS

There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, “Huh? I’m sorry. Did you say something?” (Jay Leno)

John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny. (Jay Leno)

Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn’t spend it on — condoms! (Jay Leno)

A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action. (Jay Leno)

The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards’ mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen. (Jay Leno)

John Edward’s trying to get back into elected politics would be like, I don’t know, Newt Gingrich trying to get back into elected politics. (Frank King)

THE REPUBLICANS

George Bush and English didn’t mix,
But Cheney’s vocab was prolix,
He offered his betters
The choicest 4 letters,
With a “U” added in just for kicks.
(Larry Eisenberg)

President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won’t be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A California woman claims her father was the so-called “Zodiac killer” and that she accompanied him on some of his shootings when she was 7. But in her defense, it was “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.” (Todd Long)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here’s a cheaper idea, hire one guy who can say “No.” (Paul Seaburn)

NASA & SPACE

Scientists at NASA believe that “warp drive”, a term used only on “Star Trek”, is not impossible and may one day be used in space. The closest thing we have to that speed today is AIG going through federal bailout money. (Jerry Perisho)

NASA is sending up a mission on Monday to fix the aging Hubble telescope. How old is the Hubble? For the last few years the telescope has been orbiting the earth with its left blinker on. (Janice Hough)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Britain’s Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America. (Argus Hamilton)

WESTERN EUROPE

Angered over encounters with walkers wearing nothing but boots and socks, citizens in the tiny Swiss Alps canton of Appenzell Inner Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking. Hey, it was either that or bust the budget on “Beware of Bares” signs. (Dwight Perry)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia’s first beauty pageant begins Saturday. Some Saudis like it, but most think the contestants reveal way too much eye. (Jimmy Fallon)

An 8 year old Saudi girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband. Apparently he wanted children right away and she wanted to wait until puberty. (Jim Barach)

AFRICA

Women in Kenya have said they will abstain from sex until their government is in order. Is that a good idea? Look how well it worked out with Hillary Clinton. (Janice Hough)

Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya’s women to protest public policy. It certainly got the men’s attention. You’re allowed four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you’re in the same position as Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)

Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but they’re not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the pigs open and there were no coins inside. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

South Korean scientists have cloned a dog that glows in the dark. This begs the question: Does it shed light? (Doug Austen)

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation awarded $100,000 grants to each of 81 unusual projects, Monday. One of the researchers will see if he can give mosquitoes a head cold to keep them from sniffing out human blood. If it works on the mosquitoes, he’s then going to try it on a swarm of attorneys. (Jerry Perisho)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It’s hot! Fires are raging in California. Miss California immediately put out a statement saying she’s OK with flaming things as long as they don’t get married. (Craig Ferguson)

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers tested positive for a steroid that’s sometimes used as a sexual enhancer. Apparently Manny couldn’t get to third base on his own. (Craig Ferguson)

Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug. An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of “Manny being Minnie”. (Bill Littlejohn)

As a result of Manny Ramirez’s suspension, the slugger will lose $8 million over the next 50 days… compared to GM, Ramirez is an amateur. (Jake Novak)

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He’s in a lot of trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on the report from the paleontologist. (Janice Hough)

The winner of the Kentucky Derby, a 50-1 long shot name Mine the Bird, was purchased for $9,500. That’s less than Aretha Franklin paid for her hat. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out. The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party. (Janice Hough)

LeBron James has won the NBA’s MVP title. He’s like Joe Biden’s mouth. When he’s open, he can’t be stopped. (Alan Ray)

The Dodgers’ Orlando Hudson, the Rangers’ Ian Kinsler and the Twins’ Jason Kubel each pulled off the same one-game rarity — a single, double, triple and home run — on April 13. Or as sabermetricians prefer to call the phenomenon, Hitting For The Tricycle. (Dwight Perry)

The Anaheim Mighty Ducks beat the Dallas Stars 4-3 in five overtimes, ending the fourth-longest game in NHL history. The three longest games are still being played. (Sports Pickle)

Three coaches have already been socked with $25,000 fines for criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. Commissioner David Stern scoffed at the notion of crooked officiating, denied the existence of Tim Donaghy, and said referees never favor superstars or miss traveling calls. (Matt Youmans)

Spotted doing some serious mixed martial-arts training at Gracie Gym in Orlando, Fla., Suns center, Shaquille O’Neal. Or as he now prefers to be known: Hackin’ Shaq. (Dwight Perry)

The Lakers lost a playoff game at home. I think the last time that happened, Jack Nicholson’s date hadn’t even been born yet. (Jay Leno)

Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is tanking in the ratings, what’s next: Monday Night Football on Wednesdays? (Pedro Bartes)

A new Star Trek movie opens soon. It takes place so far into the future the 2009 NBA playoffs are almost over. (Brad Dickson)

A new “Star Trek” film premieres Friday. This edition will feature some tense moments for hard core Trekkies. Like, when they have to go to the ticket window and talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)

A new show debuted earlier tonight. It’s about fashion designers who compete. Sounds exactly like “Project Runway.” I don’t have a problem with similarities between two shows. Look at “The View” and “When Animals Attack.” (Craig Ferguson)

The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past”, or as John Edwards calls it, “a horror film.” (Jay Leno)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager after an 0-16 season, as an expert football analyst. Isn’t hiring Matt Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach English. (Janice Hough)

The Onion says it will discontinue print editions in San Francisco and Los Angeles. For the first time, no Onions will bring tears to the eyes of readers. (Pat Costa)

The New York Times has reached a deal with the unions that will keep the Boston Globe alive. The unions have agreed to take pay cuts, and the Times has agreed to continue not publishing the truth about unions. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES

Paula Abdul ihad the courage to reveal that she’s been addicted to prescription painkillers for the past 12 years. And to Paula, I’d just like to say, “We knew.” (Jimmy Fallon)

It came out today that Paula Abdul only makes 5 percent of what Simon Cowell makes on “American Idol.” To be fair, she’s only awake 5 percent of the time. (Jimmy Fallon)

Nevada’s Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he’d supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics. (Argus Hamilton)

In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as “queers” and said he doesn’t want his children around them. Well, I guess he’s not sending the kids to Catholic school. (Janice Hough)

Ex-slugger Darryl Strawberry claims he has slept with 1,000 women. If my math is correct, Wilt Chamberlain surpassed that total his rookie season. (Greg Cote)

Porn star Stormy Daniels is thinking of running for a Senate position in Louisiana. She says that’s the only position she hasn’t tried. (Jerry Perisho)

This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jackie Chan has announced he will be in his 100th movie. The action star is getting a little older. The only martial arts scene in this one will be his daily Tai Chi work out in the park with his senior group. (Jim Barach)

Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. It got awkward, Paris insisted on betting $100 on Chlamydia to show. Paris got the tip from her gynecologist. (Alex Kaseberg)

Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the “perfect” choice” to talk about teen abstinence. I assume she also thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the “Defense of Marriage Act? (Janice Hough)

Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are planning a sequel to the movie “Wall Street”. It’s a continuation of the greed and corruption that drives the nation’s financial industry. In other words, they are making a documentary. (Jim Barach)

Kelly McGillis — Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in “Top Gun” — has announced that SHE is now gay. She also admitted having a crush on Sarah Palin and asked her to “Take me to bed or lose me forever” because she’s such a Maverick. (Pedro Bartes)

Having Bristol Palin preach abstinence is like naming Keifer Sutherland the national spokesman for anger management. (Jerry Perisho)

Bernie Madoff’s longtime secretary says he was a flirtatious boss who made sexually suggestive remarks to her and liked to go to massage parlors. If this Ponzi scheme hadn’t collapsed, he may have been headed for Governor. (Jerry Perisho)

EDUCATION

Here’s good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost as well as Chinese children. (Jimmy Fallon)

The University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

The Vatican is issuing no ban on the upcoming release of “Da Vinci Code” sequeal “Angels and Demons.” The Church believes people going to see the movie will be punished enough. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really crappy app. (Pedro Bartes)

Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd Long)

Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition, because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus raising the price of the ammo. Then shouldn’t Obama spread the rumors he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars? (Pedro Bartes)

President Obama is giving Chrysler $8 Billion to file bankruptcy. How bad has it gotten when a company needs $8 Billion to say they are broke? Apparently the money will go for bonuses to executives for doing such a great job. (Jim Barach)

In addition to buying Chrysler, Fiat is also thinking about buying Opel, the European branch of G. M. If all of the deals are completed, Fiat will have cornered the world market on rust. (Paul Seaburn)

The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn’t agree to the president’s deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How scary. This Passover if you didn’t have lamb’s blood on your door, the Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt. (Argus Hamilton)

General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus. (David Letterman)

A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney’s garage sale. (Pedro Bartes)

Our friends at AIG are back in the news. In March, the CEO told Congress that AIG paid $9 million in bonuses in 2008. Now, they say that number was a little off; it’s was really $454 million. The numbers keep multiplying; who is their accountant, Octomom? (Jerry Perisho)

HOLIDAYS

President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it’s the White House itself that makes people dumb. (Jimmy Kimmel)

May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup. (Argus Hamilton)

Sunday is Mother’s Day, and there’s speculation that sales of flowers will be down. One enterprising delivery service is doing something about it: “Teleflora introduces the Imaginary Bouquet. Tell mom it’s all you can afford.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

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