WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-23-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Rush Limbaugh, as head of the Republican Party, is less qualified to be VP than Sara Palin. Rush can’t see Russia from his house. (GCH)

The exacta (the 1-2 finishers) in the Preakness were a filly and a gelding. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it “A dream team.” – Sort of ironic, the horse, Mine that Bird, who came the closest to chasing down the filly, Rachel Alexandra, wouldn’t know what to do if he caught her. (Janice Hough)

The U.S. government now borrows $1.00 for every $2.00 it spends. We’re almost as stupid as the people who lend us the money. (Frank King)

President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantánamo Bay. He’s going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership. (Jay Leno)

“Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls,” said Dick Chainey. (Rich Orwell)

Sarah Palin’s signing to write her memoirs with publisher HarperCollins turned out to be a mistake. They thought they were signing Tina Fey. (Doug Austen)

Why do they call it American Idol when it is taped in Los Angeles? Because the Lakers in games 1,4 and 6 against Houston basically copyrighted “Los Angeles Idle.” (Janice Hough)

A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement. (Pedro Bartes)

If a slugger using a female fertility drug makes you uncomfortable, just think of it as Manny giving himself an early Mother’s Day present. (Dwight Perry)

Manny Ramirez insulted the Jewish community when he said that he does dread lox. (Warren Alexander)

In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. He’s calling his program “Weed the People.” (Jay Leno)

In a move seen as equal parts symbolic and cost-cutting, the bankrupt Phoenix Coyotes will play all their home games on thin ice next season. (Dwight Perry)

Chrysler says it is going to shut down 800 dealerships, which will put thousands of car salesmen out of work. I really feel sorry for those guys—an entire closet full of plaid sports coats and nowhere to wear them. (Bill Mihalic)

The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn’t that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it? “Hey, nobody’s buying our product. Let’s raise the price.” (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more. (David Letterman)

A California man has been convicted in a scheme to buy and sell human body parts. The amount of money in the plot was never mentioned, but court records indicate the parts cost an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)

A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate. Come on, women, let’s give these guys a hand. (Alex Kaseberg)

On mangling a foul-ball call early in his Hall of Fame career: “I wanted to say, ‘Hot shot hit foul!’ It did not come out that way.” (Vin Skully)

Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the “Partridge Family,” may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she’s ready to let it all hang down. (Jimmy Fallon)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year. Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself “The Donald.” You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn’t work when your name is Colin Powell. Or Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and Kris Allen each got millions more votes than any of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s California special election ballot measures. Guess the next time California elects an entertainer as governor, maybe we should make sure he can sing. (Janice Hough)

Los Angeles is going to begin water rationing next month. Kids will still be allowed to run through the sprinklers, just not with the water running. Dick Cheney has been told to switch to sand-boarding. (Tim Hunter)

DICK CHENEY & JOE BIDEN

Dick Cheney said there was “room” for moderates in the Republican party. Yes, but presumably that room is in Gitmo. His definition of a moderate? Someone like Newt Gingrich. (Janice Hough)

Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See, there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks. (Jay Leno)

Vice President Joe Biden messed up at the Newspaper Association’s Gridiron Dinner a couple months back and revealed the whereabouts of Dick Cheney’s infamous undisclosed location. And we’re just finding out about this now? No wonder newspapers are going out of business! (Frank King)

Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse. He stopped after an hour when reminded of Obama’s stand against torture. (Pat Costa)

Vice President Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it “Operation Keep Biden Away From a Microphone.” (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he was working on his memoirs: “How To Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.” (Baruch Obama)

Today, president Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney’s speech was more of a how-to discussion. (Jay Leno)

President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It’s kind of like “American Idol” except one of them got voted off months ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

A New York City auction house is having something unusual. It’s selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices; said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, “Now, that’s torture.” (Jay Leno)

President Obama went to Malia and Sasha’s soccer game. He rode to the game on Minivan One. (Jimmy Fallon)

There was a lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn’t had the best luck with ministers. (Jay Leno)

At the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind, except, of course, Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t get the password for Dick Cheney’s camera phone. (Jimmy Fallon)

The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s to-do list, 500 people long. (Jimmy Fallon)

The White House announced future regulations for all U. S.-made cars Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone, texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him off. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Get ready for boom times, boom being the abbreviation for boomerang! (Gil Stern)

The price of gas has gone up 25 cents per gallon in the past 3 weeks. Oil companies are trying to soften the blow to customers. At most stations, air and water will remain 50 cents. (Alan Ray)

Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California’s top. (Jay Leno)

The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are going back to school to train for a new career as a whore. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy is bad. It’s in bad shape. Oh, it’s bad. I saw Lou Dobbs picking up day laborers at Home Depot today. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad, Nancy Pelosi now saying she was misled by E.F. Hutton. (Jay Leno)

Medicare and Social Security are closer to default than previously thought. So we may have to postpone that whole getting-sicker-and-older thing. (Will Durst)

THE CONGRESS

Just days after switching to the Democratic Party, Arlen Specter said the Minnesota Supreme Court should award the disputed Senate seat to Republican Norm Coleman. Ah, that Specter. I always knew he was vice presidential material. (Marc Ragovin)

Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send more old cars to the junkyard—it’s called “potholes.” (Bill Mihalic)

Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the C.I.A. misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress. (Jay Leno)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience that torture doesn’t work. She’s had Botox shots right next to her eyes and she never gave up her real age. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California’s treasury Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won’t sell in this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it because it’s so hard to get them out. (Argus Hamilton)

California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you’re a Raider fan. You’re losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison. (Jay Leno)

Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. He says the taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California will raise some revenue and balance the budget or California still goes broke but everybody’s too stoned to care. So, you see, it’s a win-win, really. (Jay Leno)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly expressed support for amending a marijuana-legalization bill to include hallucinogenic Fruit Loops, now sold in Ziploc bags for $10 on the streets of San Francisco. (UGA Humor List)

Yesterday, the New York state Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the state Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways. (Jimmy Fallon)

A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state’s economy. Isn’t that amazing? In fact, it’s been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain. (Jay Leno)

A bill has cleared the Texas Senate which would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. The law would change life at a university. “Coach, I would like more playing time on Saturday.” (Alan Ray)

LOCAL NEWS

Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now. (Jay Leno)

The mayor of a Salt Lake City suburb says he will shave his nearly foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. How about shaving it because it’s not 1895? (Doug Austen)

A guy in Massachusetts was arrested for trying to eat a bowl of cereal while driving. His excuse didn’t help; he claimed he was really hungry after all the pot he had smoked before getting in the car. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Drew Peterson pleaded not guilty to murdering his third wife. He then added, “We ARE talking about the third one, right?” (Todd Long)

A suspect at Guantanamo will face trial in New York and be held on Riker’s Island, or as the inmates like to call it, “The Gitmo of the Ghetto.” (Ira Lawson)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here’s a cheaper idea: Hire one guy who can say “No.” (Paul Seaburn)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prince Harry will fly to New York for his first trip to America Friday. He’s got a busy schedule. He’s going to Harlem, he’s going to Ground Zero, he’s going to play polo, and he’s going to take a DNA test to prove John Edwards is not his father. (Argus Hamilton)

The Counties Crematorium in Milton Malsor, England, is under fire for replacing its longtime live funeral organist with a karaoke machine. Critics say the music sounds cheesy, and the speaker quality is tinny and dreadful. The worst is when the karaoke machine plays, “I Will Survive”. Don’t you hate it when a crematorium is under fire? (The Comedy Wire)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A study, in Spain, found the air in Madrid and Barcelona had trace amounts of cocaine, amphetamines, cannabinoids, opiates and lysergic acid. Well, doesn’t THAT explain Salvador Dalí? (Pat Costa)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They’re already embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced. You can see her entire forehead. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia’s first beauty pageant begins Saturday. One contestant has already caused quite a stir by saying that she believes a marriage should only be between a man and several women. (Tim Hunter)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The government has shut down a sex theme park being built in China. The idea was to teach Chinese people about sex. They would have run into problems with Disney anyway, especially with the names of some of the attractions: “Great moments with Mr. Lincoln,” “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” and the one nobody wants to go on, “It’s a small world after all.” (Tim Hunter)

AFRICA

The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and foolishly assumed it was there to free them. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The Obama administration is set to announce tough standards for tailpipe emissions of carbon dioxide from new cars that will satisfy California, which has been fighting to set its own guidelines. Which means the rest of us won’t have to move to California to continue breathing. (Joe Hickman)

Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who lost their job. That’s not a bad idea, it will give the guys a place to hang their hat while standing in the unemployment line. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Food and Drug Administration issued orders Monday requiring labels on food to be more specific when stating fat content. This is long overdue. Food products will now be labeled no-fat, low-fat, reduced-fat and fat but with a great personality. (Argus Hamilton)

A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Institutes of Health is sponsoring a five-year study to see if prostitutes in China are drinking responsibly. Well, you’d hate to see these girls doing something irresponsible. (Todd Long)

The National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober? (Jay Leno)

A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement. (Pedro Bartes)

After the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that health information on the box could cause Cheerios to be regulated as a drug, General Mills said it would soon offer a prescription-strength version of the oat-based breakfast favorite. (UGA Humor List)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A moderate earthquake rattled Los Angeles Monday. They would have had a bigger quake, but the state can’t afford it. (Jake Novak)

Did you know we had another earthquake the other night? California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen eventually. California’s government has thrown so many tax dollars down a rat hole, it’s destabilized the crust of the earth. (Argus Hamilton)

Ladies and gentlemen, there’s good news for the environment. They’re cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont, Mine that Bird will need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown. Three riders in five weeks. They may have to change the horse’s name to Paris Hilton. (Janice Hough)

So Manny Ramirez has been banned 50 games for taking a female fertility drug. And now he’s blaming A-Rod’s gynecologist. (Marc Ragovin)

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women’s fertility drug. Some people call it suspension; he calls it maternity leave. (Pedro Bartes)

Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to go to a Lamaze class. (David Letterman)

It turns out he’s OK, but you know LA Dodger Manny Rameriz who is suspended for taking a female fertility drug? The earthquake LA had? It knocked Manny off the table during his sonogram. (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens didn’t say the brightest thing in his latest denial of steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity. (Argus Hamilton)

The Indy 500 is Sunday. What’s the most noticeable difference between these drivers and the average motorist speeding on the freeway? The racers aren’t texting. (Alan Ray)

The San Francisco Giants pitching staff may soon start referring to themselves as “Bra-less.” As in, no support. .At this point the Giants are scoring less than a Star Trek convention. (Janice Hough)

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website? The website regularly gets some hits. (Janice Hough)

I read that the new Yankee Stadium is the most expensive place where athletes play, and I’m wondering, more expensive than Madonna? (Steve Rosenbloom)

The media in Canada is pointing out that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. And today Michael Phelps announced he is taking curling lessons to try to make it into the US Olympic team. (Pedro Bartes)

I’m no chemist, so I don’t know exactly how HCG works, but I think it’s important that we keep Manny Ramirez away from OctoMom. (Scott Ostler)

On Rachel Alexandra becomong the first filly in 85 years to win the Preakness: Twelve desperate males chasing one favored female. Sounds about like any Saturday in any bar in America. (Greg Cote)

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O. J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC. If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.” (Janice Hough)

Two scenarios to see a Mariners-Yankees game in prime seats this season. Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks, cost for just the tickets, $5,000. Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double-occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800 Plus-frequent flyer miles.(Gary Cicio)

Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog fighting. He said he wants to keep a very low profile, so he is considering signing for the Detroit Lions. (Pedro Bartes)

All 20 competitors who had just weighed in for last weekend’s Belgian bodybuilding championships quickly scattered when three doping officials showed up unannounced to do some drug tests, causing the event to be canceled. (Dwight Perry)

Notre Dame’s football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee Stadium. So for that game will be team’s motto be “Win one for the Clipper?” (Janice Hough)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie Terminator Salvation opens today. This time Terminator comes back from the future to save California from going broke. (Pedro Bartes)

In “Celebrity Apprentice,” poker player Annie Duke got fired and Joan Rivers got hired. Joan Rivers looked shocked; of course, when doesn’t she look shocked? (Jerry Perisho)

Actor Keanu Reeves has been signed to star in a remake of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” To take advantage of Keanu’s acting range, the new version will be called “Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.” (Paul Seaburn)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Hugh Hefner is looking to sell Playboy enterprises for $300 million. But all the potential buyers are offering much less because they say they only want to buy it for the articles.(Jake Novak)

HBO says they won’t allow murder suspect Drew Peterson to appear on their show, “Cathouse,” the reality show set in a Nevada brothel. Finally, a TV show taking the moral high ground. (Tim Hunter)

Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel’s show Fox & Friends on May 27th. Don’t get too excited… that’s WITH her clothes on. (Tim Hunter)

CELEBRITIES

Woody Allen was awarded five million dollars in damages from American Apparel for using his image in an ad without permission. The company had said Allen’s image has no dollar value considering his world-famous scandals. That’s ridiculous, Calvin Klein built an entire brand identity based on sexualizing twelve-year-olds. (Argus Hamilton)

Miss California believes marriage should be between a semi-nude man and a semi-nude woman. (Michael Feldman)

Carrie Prejean, Miss California, claims those topless pics of her on the net are fake. So she’s right about a couple of things. (Alan Ray)

Shirley Jones, 75, is considering posing nude for Playboy. “Come on, get nauseous!” (Todd Long)

Kiefer Sutherland is charged with assault after allegedly head-butting a fashion designer. The incident took place between 1:30 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. (Todd Long)

U.S. Senator John McCain will host a war movie marathon for American Movie Classics to help commemorate Memorial Day. It won’t do very well in the ratings. Over on Turner Classic Movies, Sarah Palin is hosting a Beverly Hillbillies marathon. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

Boy George was released early from prison after serving only four months of his 15-month sentence. He plans to release a song about his work detail called Karma Custodian. (Paul Seaburn)

Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse for 30 years, died this week at the age of 62. You know, some people in Hollywood manage to achieve great fame and success, while others just squeak by. (Bill Mihalic)

EDUCATION

Only 27 percent of candidates who took the Massachusetts elementary teaching exam passed the math portion of the test. Said a spokesperson, “We are, of course, embarrassed that half of them failed.” (Todd Long)

A court in California ruled it’s okay for private schools to expel lesbians. Miss California said public schools should also be able to expel lesbians; it is not that difficult L.E.S.B.I.A.N.S… (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called “living within their means” — a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to a new survey one in four moms say they’re having less sex because of the economy. The other three, just the opposite, way more sex, because that’s the only way they can get some money to pay the bills. (Pedro Bartes)

Craigslist is going to drop it “Erotic Services” section. I’m OK with the decision, but I understand Barbara Bondage, Whippin’ Wanda and All-Leather Lucy are pretty upset. Not that I know them. (Tim Hunter)

A recent survey found out that more than one in ten teens have sent naked pictures of themselves to a complete stranger, the other nine to someone they knew. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The price of mailing a letter goes up 2 cents today. The Postal Service has named the new postage after the wait in the teller line. It’s called a “Forever Stamp.” (Alan Ray)

Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd Long)

General Motors announced they’re closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming G.M.’s new C.E.O., some guy named Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)

Last week, the F.D.A. scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10 percent. Well, they’re not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record. (Jay Leno)

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered General Mills to stop making unauthorized claims about the heart benefits of Cheerios. But it can still say a plastic bag full of Cheerios is Prozac for toddlers. (Paul Seaburn)

Thanks to some structural changes, Home Depot’s first-quarter earnings jumped 44%. The hardware giant finally realized that you make more money when your customers can actually find the stuff they want to buy. (Jake Novak)

Chrysler proudly announced that succesful bankrupcy will now make them more competitive. Successful bankrupcy? That must be why they keep making quality rattletraps. (Tulla Brendingulo)

First Chrysler had a dreadful merger with Daimler-Benz. Now it is pinning its hopes on Fiat. Somebody remind them that the Axis lost WW II. (Marc Ragovin)

HOLIDAYS

You all have a happy Mother’s Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, “Of all the women I have children with, I’m going to spend today with you.” (Jay Leno)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America’s official language, 85 percent of the people said, “Si.” (Jay Leno)

Compiled by Stan Kegel