WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-30-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday. (Bill Maher)

We had another earthquake the other night. You know, California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Republicans will ask what Sonia Sotomayor wants done about Roe Versus Wade expecting her to say, “Any which way they can get across the border, row or wade? ” (Gil Stern)

Somehow Michael Phelps seems to have developed a pot belly. (Jeff Funnekotter)

Okay, which will close first –Guantanamo or GM? (Gil Stern)

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Good thing it wasn’t October, or A-Rod wouldn’t get to first base. (Cam Hutchinson)

This week, a woman in Texas admitted she cheated with a guy so soon after having sex with her husband that she had twins by two different fathers. And all I can say is, “Damn, that John Edwards is good!” (Bill Moher)

Helio Castroneves breezing to victory in Sunday’s Indy 500 was hardly even taxed. (Gary Loewen)

A report says that U.S. students are lagging in biosciences. That’s hard to believe when we have so many teachers who will go the extra distance to teach their students about biology first hand. (Jim Barach)

A teenager from Germany who auctioned her virginity on the internet for $14,000. was notified she must pay half in taxes. Apparently in Germany virginity goes for fifty cents on the dollar. (Bill Williams)

Cheney again spoke on TV. What is it about vice presidents that makes ’em talk too much? Don’t ask Joe Biden, he’ll tell us over and over again! (Gil Stern)

When Dick Cheney was vice president, he didn’t say two words, now he can’t shut up, he’s talking more after being vice president. Can you imagine if this happens to Joe Biden? We’d have to shoot him. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wayne Allwine, who was the voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977 has died at 62. Apparently the role will be taken over by Manny Ramirez, which explains all the female hormones he was caught taking. (Jim Barach)

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U. S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside. (Argus Hamilton)

SONIA SOTOMAYOR

President Obama has picked Federal judge Sonia Sotomayor as the Supreme Court nominee. So that means the Supreme Court will have seven men and two women. Like speed dating night at the Burbank Holiday Inn. (Jay Leno)

History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U. S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white. (Jimmy Fallon)

Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court. (Jay Leno)

Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court has diabetes type one. And today the GOP immediately sent a huge basket of candy and a membership in the donut of the month club. (Pedro Bartes)

Pres. Obama nominated the first Hispanic justice on the US Supreme Court. Later, during the celebration, they took turns hitting a big, overstuffed Rush Limbaugh piñata. (Jerry Perisho)

Judge Sonia Sotomayor is in hot water for once saying that a wise Latina woman could sometimes make a better decision than a white male. We all know how ridiculous that is. Rich white males always make the best decisions! You know like, “Let’s keep making big gas guzzlers and leave the small vehicle market to those little Asian carmakers.” (Frank King)

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the country’s first Hispanic judge. Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, “Oh, great, a Republican! ” (Jay Leno)

President Obama has chosen Judge Sonia Sotomayor as his choice for the Supreme Court. Sotomayor should help Obama win more support from women, Latinos, and people who want to see somebody slap Clarence Thomas. (Jake Novak)

Republicans are looking for anything to derail the Supreme Court nomination of Sonia Sotomayor, a Puerto Rican New Yorker — including her ruling in Sharks v. Jets. (Janice Hough)

On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a “reverse racist.” I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius. (Jimmy Fallon)

Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court. (Jay Leno)

The Republicans will attack Barack Obama’s pick of Sonia Sotomayor to theSupreme Court.they’ll say Barack is a womanizer and a Latin lover? (Gil Stern)

Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won’t sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails. (Jay Leno)

President Obama cited Judge Sotomayor for her role in the baseball strike. She saved free agency. If not for her ruling, Barack Obama would have to confiscate all that money from the owners instead of the players in order to pay for health care. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Barack Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare. (Jay Leno)

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons snubbed President Obama in Las Vegas Tuesday. It’s because he demonized businesses that held conventions in Las Vegas. Just because the president’s happily married doesn’t mean he has to deprive everyone else of a week off. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama reversed himself last night and now says it is a good idea for people to visit Las Vegas. In fact, that’s where he’s sending most of the Gitmo inmates. (Jake Novak)

President Obama was handed a defeat on the Guantanamo prison Wednesday when the Senate voted to keep it open indefinitely. No one will obey him. Nancy Pelosi won’t apologize to the CIA, Harry Reid won’t release money to close Guantanamo, and the only time his new dog Bo will sit quietly and listen is during the Rush Limbaugh Show. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

The U. S. Senate approved a credit card bill Tuesday which also allows loaded handguns to be brought inside U. S. national parks and wildlife refuges. The gun rights measure was slipped into the bill by Republicans. They believe as an article of faith that oil drillers have a constitutional right to defend themselves during exploration. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the C.I.A. misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress. (Jay Leno)

Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the C.I.A. lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided. (Jay Leno)

Congress voted Thursday not to pursue House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s charges the CIA lied to her on torture. She’s third in line for the presidency. Every Easter when the president is resurrected, she and Joe Biden are always a little disappointed. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

California, which – I have to tell you, everybody – is always a little ahead of the rest of America, will probably go bankrupt. It’s sad that we’ll be closing the schools, but you’ll want to keep the kids at home anyway, since we’re also closing the prisons and letting all the rapists out. (Bill Moher)

The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union. (Jay Leno)

Well, the big story here in California — California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That’s the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you’re a gay guy that doesn’t want to get married, you see. Now you can go, “Bob, the courts have spoken.”

The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, “Come on, dude, pass it. Come on. ” You could tell that the senators were determined that afternoon. They passed the same bill five times. They were just like: “Seriously, pass it again. That’s a pretty good bill.” (Jimmy Fallon)

In an effort to thwart identity theft, motorists in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia are being told to NOT smile when posing for their state drivers’ licenses. That’s no problem after four or five hours waiting in line at the D.M.V. (Ira Lawson)

A bill has cleared the Texas Senate which would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. The law would change life at a university. “Coach, I would like more playing time on Saturday.” (Alan Ray)

Michigan is complaining that it hasn’t received much of the stimulus money. I guess that $50 billion we just spent for a worthless auto company doesn’t count. (Jake Novak)

Porn-star Stormy Daniels is running for the Senate in Louisiana against David Vitter, the conservative family-values Republican who was caught up in the Washington escort service scandal — the so-called “D.C. Madam” — and then admitted to hanging out with Louisiana prostitutes…. who gave us the straight poop that he enjoyed wearing adult diapers during their trysts. Her campaign slogan? “Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly” (Paul Benoit

LOCAL NEWS

Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu’s new mayor – a piano-playing cat. (Jimmy Fallon)

A New York man who purchased dentures for his business partner is accused of taking the false teeth back at gunpoint. To track him down, the partner with no teeth hired a gumshoe. (Paul Seaburn)

A small device exploded outside of a New York City Starbucks last weekend. One witness described the sound as a “Single shot, no foam, grande” explosion. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

O.J. Simpson appealed his Nevada conviction Tuesday saying he did not get a fair trial because his jury wasn’t diverse. It was just bad luck. You’d think if you had a jury of twelve people in Nevada you’d get at least two murderers and an armed robber. (Argus Hamilton)

The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against Alaska’s convicted former U. S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a legend in Washington D. C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in forty years that he’s banned in two religions. (Argus Hamilton)

John Hinckley asked a judge for a driver’s license that he can use during his hospital furloughs. He shot President Reagan and Press Secretary James Brady. If he’s caught driving without a license he could get locked up for life under the Three Strikes law. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

A right-wing radio host in Chicago named Erich ‘Mancow’ Muller lasted only 6 seconds being waterboarded and admitted that it felt like torture. To which Cheney said, yeah, but after the 180th time you start getting used to it. (Pedro Bartes)

The Pentagon says 14% of released Gitmo inmates have returned to terrorism. The other 86% got jobs at AIG. (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden’s former cook — I believe his name was Goatgang Puck if I’m not mistaken — is coming to New York to face charges. You know, we also got his driver. And here’s the good news. I understand we’re closing in on his pool boy and his aroma therapist. Yeah, we are closing the net. (Jay Leno)

NASA & SPACE

So the Hubble telescope has been repaired. Ya know what that means? The gals on Omicron 7 are gonna have to start drawing their shades again. (Marc Ragovin)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

The U. N. went into emergency session Monday to deal with North Korea’s nuclear blast. The North Koreans could wage a nuclear attack on South Korea or sell the nuclear bombs to Syria or Iran. After six hours of heated debate, the U. N. voted unanimously to censure Israel for digging a tomato garden in the backyard of a duplex. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Hugo Chávez has archived more than 6,000 hours of his speeches, which are being force-fed to TV and radio stations across Venezuela. Sounds like their version of “According to Jim.” (Ira Lawson)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

In Britain, the cuckoo songbird was added to the list of endangered species. Too bad, I really thought Amy Winehouse was feeling better. (Erik B.)

NORTH KOREA & THE FAR EAST

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she’ll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first. (Jimmy Fallon)

North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

South Korea and the U.S. have put their troops on the peninsula on high alert after North Korea renounced the truce that ended the Korean War. They’ve also asked Alan Alda to keep his calendar open for awhile. (Todd Long)

The North Koreans are furious at the U. S. because for twenty years they supported themselves by counterfeiting U. S. currency and now it’s worthless. Who knew that Barack Obama’s economic policy was a backdoor way to bring down North Korea? (Argus Hamilton)

Have you heard about North Korea? They’ve detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they’ll be ready if they’re ever attacked by gophers. (Jimmy Fallon)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists say now that they are very close to developing chocolate that won’t melt. It’s a chocolate you can eat in hot climates. Apparently we’re holding off on that cure for cancer. Let’s get this chocolate breakthrough first. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

After LeBron James hit a 38-footer at the halftime buzzer: “Makes you wonder how good the kid could be if he used women’s fertility drugs. (Jim Armstrong)

Helio Castroneves, who won the fifth season of “Dancing With the Stars,” raced to victory in the Indianapolis 500. It was an emotional third Indy win for Castroneves. He was just cleared on tax evasion charges that could have landed him either in jail, or in the Obama administration. (Frank King)

Helio Castroneves credited his winning speed to imagining that the race cars directly behind him were being driven by government tax attorneys. (Greg Cote)

Alex Rodrequez and actress Kate hudson were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. The next day she tested positive for steroids. (Alex Kaseberg)

Looks like Alex Rodriguez just found another hot corner — at the mouth of the Hudson. (Dwight Perry)

New York Jet Mark Sanchez posed in a bathing suit layout for GQ magazine. He succeeded Matt Leinart at USC, who majored in ballroom dancing. USC never lets the quarterbacks lead the calisthenics because by the third minute the whole team is dancing the Charleston. (Argus Hamilton)

A plumber had to be called to Citi Field during a New York Mets game because a woman got her arm stuck in a toilet fishing after a dropped gold tooth. Which is odd because the Mets don’t usually go in the toilet until mid September. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Mets officials called a plumber during a game at Citi Field last week after a woman got her hand stuck in a toilet trying to retrieve a lost gold tooth. It ended up being a win-win. The woman got her hand back and Citibank told the Treasury Department they want to take the stress test again now that they have gold reserves. (Argus Hamilton)

Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks allegedly driving with a woman sitting on his lap bumped a police officer with his pickup truck. Starks, no doubt, will claim it was because he was being held. (Dwight Perry)

Can you believe all the celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers playoff games? It is a veritable who’s who of people who have slept with Paris Hilton and Madonna. (Alex Kaseberg)

Bud Selig blamed bad weather for Major League Baseball’s drop in attendance of four thousand customers per game this year. It’s a public relations nightmare. Half the fans have lost interest because the players were using steroids and half the fans have lost interest because the players have stopped using steroids. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick has been released from prison but the NFL is going to keep him on a leash! (Gil Stern)

Disgraced N.F.L. star Michael Vick left a Kansas prison to begin home confinement in Virginia, where he’ll be allowed to leave only to work at a $10-an-hour job. So it looks like the league is letting him back to quarterback the Lions. (Paul Seaburn)

Shaquille O’Neal is taking a crash course in broadcasting at Syracuse. After basketball he says, “I’d love to have my own radio show.” Heck, at 7-foot-1, he could be his own transmission tower. (Dan Daly)

The NBA draft is coming up. What’s the term for a player who gets his degree before seeking a job with a pro team? Usher. (Alan Ray)

John Daly returns to the PGA tour after a suspension. He’s already made an impact. After just eight holes of a practice round, the beer cart was completely empty. (Alan Ray)

ENTERTAINMENT

Jay Leno will welcome his replacement host Conan O’Brien as guest on his final Tonight Show Friday. It’s called continuity of political comedy. We’re one of the few countries in the world that can pull off a transition like this without bloodshed. (Argus Hamilton)

A Night at the Museum: the Battle at the Smithsonian is a box office smash. In it, wax dummies of historical figures come to life. Everyone loves the scene where capitalism gets up off the canvas and stops the president from seizing General Motors. (Argus Hamilton)

I would hate to actually spend a real night in a museum. All those ancient fossils and dusty old bones. if I wanted that I’d watch “60 Minutes.” (Craig Ferguson)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

What do you get when you cross OxyContin with Rush Limbaugh?
An OxyMoron (Jim S.)

In America, Rush Limbaugh is a free as the wind he breaks to speak for the Republican Party. (Lou Zar)

CELEBRITIES

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are expecting a baby. Upon hearing this, Angelina Jolie called them and said; “You do know you can buy them already fully assembled don’t you?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Bristol Palin graduated from high school with a GPA of 3.497, meaning she was just. 003 short of graduating with honors. Apparently, what ruined her chances of graduating with honors was the F she got in Sex Ed. (Pedro Bartes)

Leonardo DiCaprio is reportedly the favorite to play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. His preparation for the role is said to be going well, as he has already punched three photographers. (Jim Barach)

Elizabeth Taylor is home from the hospital and says if she feels better by this afternoon, she might just marry someone. (Pedro Bartes)

Arnold Schwarzenegger lost all his referendums last week trying to raise taxes in California. His movie career is over and his approval rating has tanked. If he was any less popular Mel Brooks’s next musical would be Springtime for Schwarzenegger. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

Thirteen-year old Kavya Shivashankar won the National Spelling Bee after correctly spelling “Laodicean.” She says once she mastered her own last name, the rest was a piece of cake. – (Ira Lawson)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A survey says that one in four people send text messages while driving. In fact, most of the people surveyed responded by text message from their cars. (Jim Barach)

Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings. (Jay Leno)

The National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober? (Jay Leno)

A cat from New York named Sockington has over 500,000 followers on Twitter. That’s only while she’s in heat. The rest of the time there are only 12. (Jerry Perisho)

The world’s oldest blogger has died at age 97. There will be short service held over on Twitter. With only 140 characters, it has to be short. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Automotive C.E.O. Obama says the fist vehicle to roll off the new Chrysler line will be the 2010 Barackuda. Gets 100 m.p.g. running on soy milk. (Michael Feldman)

The Post Office has cut 25,000 jobs this year. Of course, many employees have no idea they have been fired as the notices were sent by mail. (Jim Barach)

Jaguar got rave reviews from Car and Driver magazine with its new five-hundred-horsepower luxury car. The automaker was sold last year to a car company in India. There’s a big demand in India for cars that can outrun nuclear missiles from Pakistan. (Argus Hamilton)

A survey shows one-third of workers feel overburdened at their jobs. What do you say to a government employee who takes on too many responsibilities? “You must be new here!” (Alan Ray)

Carnival Cruise lines has announced a three day cruise with live performances from New Kids on the Block. The cruise will take place June 16th through June 19th in 1989. (Alex Kaseberg)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

A survey says the top five cities to relocate to are Raleigh, Austin, Charlotte, Phoenix and Dallas. The top to areas to migrate from are still Mexico and Michigan. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel