(A note: My absence from blogging has to do with my writing having gone indefinitely to the dogs. I dedicate this post to Gauri, who has no compunctions declaring her poor taste in public. After writing this, I feel a longer break from blogging (like a permanent one) would do wonders to my writing. Like killing it mercifully and sparing my long suffering readers.)
With my six pack abs threatening to break out any time now (definitely before we see another Communist Chief Minister for West Bengal), I am in imminent and eminent danger of getting kidnapped by some amorous babe.
Why do I think so, you ask, with an incredulous look crossing your pie-face?
Well, for one, Nature is telling me that. The street dogs that are chasing me these days are all female. I have ways to tell that, and I am not telling. Some incredibly attractive and slim chicks recently propositioned me on Southern Avenue during some of my evening walks, but I heard later that they were all shemale prostitutes. Sigh, what is this world coming to?
And this Italian gymnast: did I tell you about her?
This Italiano was all gaga over me, mamma mia, and even made a CD for me, professing her eternal love. Included were pictures of her in positions that can politely be referred to as contortionately promising (or compromisingly torsionate, whatever). I, to my internal regret, rejected this cd rom-antic proposition. If you looked at her postures you would think she would never break a bone because of a singular lack of visible osseous tissue, but this rejection surprisingly broke her heart.
This led me to mull over why women find certain men irresistible, and I have found some factors, based on several randomised double-blind* trials (and tribulations).
*both parties in love being blind.
1. Clean navel: I have a sinking feeling that this is a mandatory requirement in the days when women don’t think twice before drifting caudally in their own pleasure seeking trails. A tatooed belly button would take you to new depths of a relationship, surely.
Even collected lint looks distinctly better in the dark when offset in the backdrop of a splendid tatoo. Not to talk of the taste: not Lindt, at any rate!
2. Seat, not suit: You think the ladies feel a thrill learning how much you splurged on yourself for that striped suit that looks like the ones prisoners proudly wear to the marriage party when their jailor’s ugly and visibly pregnant daughter gets packed off to one of them (always keep your sentences short and clear, as well)? Women want to see you buy things for them, not for yourself. Also, they prefer to see some stuffing in the body part where men land when they have disputes in public beer bars. Such stuffing, apart from arousing some romantic notions of horse-borne knights, also reassure them that the prospective victim is of reasonable physical and financial well-being.
3. The Collar of Money: Wear a crisp shirt, but if your collar lacks the stiffness outstandingly evident in the Aussie upper lip post the non-racist diurnal attacks on Indian students, your appeal will not be sticking its neck out for attention. And if you think the ‘Collar of Money’ is green, you must be an Oriya.
4. Waist not, want not: It is a common sight to see a man with a bulging waist strung together by a strip of leather. Now, this will just not do, unless your woman is similarly predisposed, with the rewards of a thousand desserts tucked under the petticoat. Slim is in, in more ways than you can reckon.
5. Inwaist wisely: Now that the bulls are on the ramp-age, you have to know more about the correct inwaistment.
When I was more younger, I was taught that women like a bulge above the waist line. I spent the better part of my youth pursuing ways to buttress my aging middle. It was only much later that I realised that the required bulging had to be below the waist line. I tried carrying a lot of visiting cards in my wallet to create the effect before I actually understood the exact location of the prescribed prominence (I know, finally, why my hydrocele patients often sport nice looking wives).
Now, in my advisory capacity of Master of Love Affairs (MLA), I do better. After all, a Master better. Do better. You know what I mean.
6. Tie Tonic: If you want to attract a girl with a sense of humor, all you need to do is to wear your best ties
and look for the one sinking on the floor, hysterically pointing fingers at you and choking on her words. Trust me, this kind of girl (and you may find many) will talk to you when you approach her.
7. Pocket Appeal: Keep at least three pens in your shirt pocket.
At least one of them should have a torch or camera in it, and should stand out in prominence. This is primal body signal to available women that you have a large pen. You know, a large pen is always useful.
Though it may dig a hole in your pocket sometimes.
8. Check Mate: Wearing large multi-colored checks on your shirt is a clear signal that you are looking for a check-mate in life with your Queen. It is a different thing that the girl may be looking for a different kind of check from her mate, or she may actually be a different kind of Queen.
9. Sole-mate: If you can’t meet her expectations of being a check mate, at least wear large shoes. So that when you open them, she can see that they are very large.
Chances are she thinks other parts of you are comparably large. If she is bitterly disappointed later on, tell her to “lump it“, or “go sue, Sue!” If you are one of those awesome lispers, chances are you won’t be missunderstood.
10. You tell us: what thing in a man turns him into an Adonis in your eyes?
(pictures from Google Images. Credits missed this time, sorry.)
That Italian gymnast looks like a ‘P’ !
And pen is starting with a P and managing the growing inwaistment as an aftereffect.
I think well-nuts must be preferred over P-nuts, from a woman’s POV.
Good to see you back with a bulge.
Love the post!!
Hm, when selecting new candidates to join my bevy of adoni, the first attribute to make the cut is ARMS. Oh yes, please put on the gun show!
Next is ARSE. I can’t explain it. But you’ve got to, at the very least, have smaller buttocks than I do.
And finally, it’s all about the eyes. I am a sap. Puppy-dog brown or angelic blue, if you know how to use them, you can use me too. *wink*
Note that the pen may also leak and leave a stain at an unpredictable time. I’m talking about the one in your pocket.
LOL. See, it’s been so long since you wrote, I had even forgotten about all those innuendos you fancy. No wait, innuendos are subtle. What’s the word I’m looking for? 😛
//And if you think the ‘Collar of Money’ is green, you must be an Oriya.//
Hehehe. Well at least disoriyanted for sure 😐
Good to see you back 🙂
What is ‘subtle’? Is it a French letter, I mean word?
‘Disoriyanted’ was great. I knew a girl from Ball-a-sore. Bhollo (good).
A leaky pen? Sounds like a surgical disease? Maybe replace the existing pen with a new one? Or use a penseal instead?
Sounds like if a dude has eyes, he is yours! 😉
Wellnuts are good, but I treat ’em cashewally. Almond my own nuts, for sure.
Has to be gait. It’s the gait which differentiates a wild goriyalla from a sophisticated human bong ..er..being 🙂
Doc. You and I should stop blogging. Okay wait, at least you write a witty post on demand. That’s commendable.
I honestly donno why I bother anymore.
That last question there on 10. Yeah. Not saying. 😉
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Wow, doc, 9/10 – what an engayging description of Adonis! Where did you acqueer such a penetrating insight? Café ‘t Mandje?
Ha, TRF! I didn’t even know about that bar, having never been inside Amsterdam (the airport doesn’t count)…
I had to force myself to like Milk (the movie), such is my in built personal dislike for homosexuality. Mind you, I am clear in keeping that away from my judgment of gays. It’s like I don’t like smokers around me at all, but I would defend smokers’ rights in specific contexts.
Awe! I would have expected you to have some sharp points in favor of certain men…. Maybe a blog post?!
this post was keenly awaited
So hopefully we will see your 6 pack pic in a sequel to this blockbuster post.
And i suppose we can call that hydrocele bit a low blow?
That orange tie is awesome…where do i get it?
what on earth is that in image number 4?? Yuck!
Hahaha! Enjoyed this one, doc.
This Italian gymnast !!! Can she walk ? 🙂
Majority of women enters into perimenopausal period around age of 35 , many of them even earlier. Peri-menopausal period is characterised with the following changes:
• various hormonal imbalances of sexual hormones – which change from day to day (progesterone, estrogens, FSH, LH, testosterone) are changing their levels constantly
• there is major tendency to FSH and LH levels raising up, but hormonal tests are very unreliable due to the constant change of hormonal levels. BTW, what is normal for one person, it does not to be normal for the other.
• FSH and LH hormones, which are directly connected with producing the eggs, very often raise up, because body wants to burn the rest of the eggs as soon as possible, because there is not enough estrogens, progesterone and testosterone to keep the balance and support fertility. Excess of FSH and LH can create extreme desire for having the child, even if this desire is not realistic.
• various hormonal imbalance of all other hormones as hormones of thyroid, pancreas, pituitary, adrenal glands etc. Level of such hormones are also in constant change – they can change several times per day.
• life energy drops down quickly – due to the constant hormonal change, because body is using all resources of minerals, vitamins, tissue salts etc. on extremely intensive way, while not being balanced with hormones.
• mood changes are so typical in that period – ups and downs in feelings, blues and waltz are exchanging very often
• problems with weight,
• shape of the body might start to change
• various problems with skin can become very obvious – skin very quickly shows first signs of aging and hormonal changes
• sexual hormones support our immune system as well – so many women develop various chronic illnesses in that period
• libido starts to change – extreme ups and downs might become significant
• nervousness, anxiety, sleeplessness
• fatigue and tiredness
• lack of focus, lack of concentration
• lack of wish to connect with other people
• animosity towards opposite gender
oooo how are he doing this
Your “Italian gymnast” is a contortion model Zlata from Russia, an ex gymnast now internet fetish model, many pictures of her are online, not sure what the connection is that your admirer is trying to say to you by making the CD.