Category Archives: al Qaeda

IS BIN LADEN DEAD?

On yet another anniversary of the epochal 9/11 attack by the al Qaida, it is time to take stock of the multi-billion dollar war on terror.
The first and foremost question to be answered is: Why has Bin Laden not been killed or captured? Where is he?
The answer is clearly difficult. It is guessed that he is in the North West Frontier of Pakistan. He is clever: not only does he not use telephones or other devices that could allow him to be tracked, but also has a very loyal close circle who have not yet betrayed him in spite of the bounty offered for information about him.
The area where he is likely to be living is not easy in terms of intelligence-based tracking operations. To the Americans, most bearded tribals of the region would look similar from a distance, I have no doubt. Over and above that, there is no good intelligence that is paying off.
A recent spurt of American attacks in Pakistan, including the Waziristan region, based on a combination of human and satellite intelligence, has resulted in the deaths of the wives and children of the terrorists, and has precipitated a crisis with the Pakistani army. Similar tactics have been more successful in Iraq, if reports are to be believed.
So, back to the question: is bin Laden alive?
It is inconceivable that Laden is alive without medical care, suffering as he is from advanced kidney disease. His medical care could not be available without the connivance of the local Pakistani authorities. Therefore, if he is alive, it is unlikely that he will be found, as he would be protected by the Establishment (read ISI). If he is dead, we will soon know. In a day or two, a video showing the al Qaida leader should be telecast from al Jazeera. If it doesn’t come through, chances are he is dead.
Even if he is alive, it is possible that he may not be found till he (and many of us) is an old man. History repeats itself, from the time of the Nazis till the recent arrest of Radovan Karadzic.
The worst scoundrels always seem to escape for the longest time.
For an interesting discussion on this subject at the Washington post, click here.
Read my previous posts Harry Potter and the Cave of Osama and Bin Laden is Dyeing!.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial. (Jay Leno)

According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes’ blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It’s not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said. (Argus Hamilton)

What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That’s the only one there. (Jay Leno)

Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another politician. He says it’s no big deal, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now, who will remember? (Jim Barach)

President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession. (Andy Borowitz)

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There’s no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it’s Dallas, what could happen? (Argus Hamilton)

Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of: John McCain. (Jay Leno)

Several states are investigating Bud and Miller Brewing for caffeinated alcohol products. Apparently the drinks keep you just awake enough to get in your car and drive while drunk. (Jim Barach)

Continue reading

OFFENDING MUSLIMS: IS THERE A HIDDEN AGENDA?

Living under the threat of a major, global Islamic outrage is Swedish artist Lars Vilks.

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This man had drawn a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed as a dog. Of all things, a dog, reviled by Islam as a dirty and low animal! Al Qaida had placed a bounty on his head to the tune of around $150,000.
The two sides of this issue are clearly polarised and typical: the artist’s ‘right to expression’ versus the religious outrage and vengeance that is mandated by Islam for any such act of sacrilege.

artburqacnn.jpg

Now, I have always been on the side of the underdog, no pun intended. I have defended the rights and freedoms of artists in the past, and have attacked religions for their essential irrationality, intolerance and collectivism.
However, on this event, I have my own two cents to offer.
I think this is a publicity stunt by a mediocre artist who has ambitions to historic immortality. Aspirations to the eternal glory of being the one to cock a heroic snook at the Islamists who, the West knows from experience, are intolerant to anything outside their book. He probably must feel that the risk to his life will be covered anyways by the State, and that he will tide over the immediate threats, then end up basking in the permanent fame brought about by world-wide media attention.
I have to ask why an artist (though he is well within his rights to do so) feels the need to paint or draw Jesus as a pedophile, or the Prophet Mohammed as a dog. Is his atheism overwhelming him such that he cannot but be so offensively contemptuous of religious figures? Or he has no other issues that command his attention?
I rather think not. I feel this is a good business tactic. Vilks’ next commission will be worth a fortune because this controversy is great for his business.
Perhaps it is time for us to take a break from spending our time defending these artistic rabble rousers and identify them for what they could well be: opportunistic mediocrities that need to be ignored.
Ignore this: who am I kidding? These actions are calculated to cause the maximum offense to the target audience. The artist surely knows that no Muslim can ignore this. Hence, as a strategy, this is invariably successful.
However, even if the world ignores this ‘art’, it would underscore one important point that Vilks himself advocates: “If you don’t like it, don’t look at it. And if you look at it, don’t take it too seriously. No harm done, really.”
Except to his own (expensive) safety and peaceful existence.

(Picture credits: CNN.com)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-15-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That’s like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. (David Letterman)

David Petraeus has a new bumper sticker on his Hummer as he cruises the roads around Baghdad. “Warning: A determined surgin’ General can be hazardous to your health.” (Gary Hallock)

A conservative research group says a new report shows that 105 million people will be added to the U.S. population by 2060, apparently caused by the import of Chinese condoms. (Pedro Bartes)

Over half of Americans polled recently said they believe the Constitution designates the US as a “Christian nation.” Even more alarming, three quarters of them think the Declaration of Independence was signed by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Hancock. (Bob Mills)

Thirty public and private colleges are offering minors in gay studies. That’s different from Catholic Seminaries, where they study gay minors. (Jim Barach)

According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans said they’d rather have Bill Clinton as their father than President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away with a lot more, don’t you think? “Look, I won’t mention you coming home late, if you don’t mention me coming home late.” (Jay Leno)

Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush’s hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him. (Bill Maher)

Have you heard the latest on men’s room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? He has taken back his guilty plea. He’s changed it to just curious. Have you heard his defense? Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution — and this is true — a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom. It’s kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop. (Jay Leno) Continue reading

MY FALLOW AMERICANS!

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(pic: http://www.theocracywatch.org)

A Twist Of Word And Mind has some very highly placed sources in the White House (among many other power centers), namely the President’s dog-walker. You know, the guy who walks Barney. Barney carried away the transcripts of President Bush’s speech to the Nation due later tonight, with (I notice) corrections made by his speechwriter. The following are the excerpts (emphasis my computer’s):

My fallow fellow Americans,
There are certain peeples who expect me to announce the withdrawal of our brave soljurs from Iraq. Senator Hillary Clinton has written an open letter to me saying withdrawal “is simply too little, too late, and unacceptable to this Congress.” Well, I guess, as Bill’s wife, no one knows this better than her, so I will take her word for it.
But, let me tell her, and her fellow leftist loonies: “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”
Starting the end of this Holy period of Ramadan, we are gonna bust the sorry asses of all those Iraqis who are against us. I have invited the Rushan Prezdent Bloody Pootin Vlady Putin to move in to Iraq.
As we all know, he is a great defender of freedom, and is a modern day Scar for Freedom Tsar for freedom. Prezdent Pootin has kindly agreed to test a an upgraded version of the ‘Father of all Bombs’ in select 90% parts of Iran, where the al Qaida is hiding. The new bomb (developed with the new iPod Touch technology) will play the national anthem of the selected country before it sucks everything inside its giant vacuum. Bombing has never been so user friendly and entertaining, to say nothing for its enviable social status across the world.

My shallow fellow Americans, no longer will American blood be spilled in Iraq. We need them bloodsuckers in Iran to get a taste of what we can do to bring freedom to the vast 1% of Iranians who can read English pamphlets. We are going to teach Iran not to disturb the ongoing fight for freedom from Iraq freedom for Iraq.
As you know, we have been very successful in checking the proliferation of the Islamic terrorists. At the present rate of killings, we estimate that there will be no Iraqis left by 2010. Some oil may, however, be still available, and we will have absolutely no interest in exploiting it.

Hopefully, Iran will also be rid of terrorists. I am told there may not be any young Americans left either, but we will draft in all those people who are shying away from duty to the country on the cowardly grounds that they belong to the 66% of Americans who are too fat to fight.
If the Supreme Court declares that unconstitutional, we will open up the Mexico border and give every potential immigrant a resident visa. They get free health care in this great country, already!

Talking of which, I have very clearly told our country’s scientists that they are the torch bearers of freedom. We believe in freedom. We believe that God meant America to be great, because it is the most free country on earth, as Mexicans and Bangladeshis know.
Today, I am authorizing the Surgeon General to order the closure of all genetic research labs across the US and its colonies. British Prime Minister Brown has also accepted this. We have to defend the freedom of the egg as a potential human being. We cannot condom condone this wanton killing of God’s own creatures in the name of science. I propose to Congress that we defend the right of each sperm as a potential human being who eats burgers and Coke for breakfast, supersize that! Let them come forward to defend the spermatozoa as God’s own children-in-waiting.

Who says science will not progress without genetic research? Look at what bombs we will launch against Iran: it is absolutely amazing what a pilot can do! Look at the Biblical sciences. This evolution thing.

(Speechwriter: damn that dog! BARNEY!!)

9/11: ANOTHER DAY IN LIFE?

Today, the world over, people are talking about what happened six years back, almost to the hour. People pray, people cry, people remember. People vow, too, to avenge, to struggle to bring the criminals to justice, whatever be the cost.
All this is so natural, so understandable.
A friend provoked me to think: Is the US and the West making too much of what, ultimately, was another dot in the history of the Universe? Do we remember on which day millions were slaughtered in Auschwitz? Or Cambodia? Or in Russia or China? What about Sudan and Kosovo?
What is so special about 9/11 then? Thousands of human beings get killed every day and month, don’t they?
Millions die in eras that become the soiled sanitary napkins of history. Why should this particular event be so epochal?
I thought about this, and the answer did not take long to come:
Just like a man decides which event in life he would take as special, which insult he would swallow and which he would kill for, a country decides how valuable the lives of its citizens are.
It is a bitter truth that human life has no value in Iraq, Africa, and most countries in Asia, especially India and Pakistan.
The US took the twin tower bombings as an intolerable slash on its freedom and its integrity, verily as a threat to its existence. India, on the other hand, has taken many comparable attacks in its stoic and indifferent stride. Maybe that is why the attacks on us don’t stop.
Maybe that is why there has been no further attacks on US soil.
And that, surely, is why history will never forget 11th September,2001, even if it ignores the millions killed before and after it.

OSAMA OF ’42!

THE ADMINISTRATION HAS WON!

So, now, it is official. Osama couldn’t be caught, couldn’t be killed, but we made him impotent! Six years after 9/11, what more could we ask for? Revenge is a dish best served cold, as some literary sleaze-burger from Sidney Sheldon or Harrold Robbins (I forget which) once claimed (though the original comment was from Star Trek II).
Imagine how deliciously ironic and imaginative this American revenge must be! The man who represents the ultimate Islamofascist rush of blood is rendered limp and dangling out on a limb.
This is, believe me, no flaccident! We have weakened him so much that all Al Qaida can now do is drop a few bombs on insignificant states like Israel (that don’t have a right to exist, anyways) and flatten a few hundred buildings and cars, that’s all! Ha, ha! We really fixed him good, eh?
As to the billions of people who have to board airplanes almost au naturale, this is the only way Governments thought they could get some exercise out of us. And also, let us not forget, some much needed sex for the middle aged and impotent, who should be considered a special, perineally challenged people called The Unhappenis Group. Airport securiosity got whatsisname in trouble. You know, the guy who was the butt of jokes last week, Craig something. And this air (port)-tightness gave birth to a new industry that manufactures baby food, laxatives and shampoos in tiny plastic bottles. All to prevent Osama from temptation. And constipation.

THE DEMOCRATS

Democrats in the US are quick to blame George Bush for losing sight of Osama in his pursuit of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. But, wait, he did! He discovered a Weapon of Masself Destruction! And, at least, he gave bin Laden a taste of what to expect if he ever made the mistake of getting caught.
Did Bill Clinton manage to do that when Monica Lewinsky attempted to blow up the President? My old Aunt Hillary always used to say
‘One swallow does not Osama make’. Yes, it left a taste, but a taste of jealousy in the mouths of the rest of the world. They all hated the US more than ever for this Constitutional freedom to open your mouth anywhere you want.
And let us not forget the Democrats’ history of handling Islamic terrorism. Look at Jimmy Carter handling Iran and the hostage crisis way back when the terms ‘car emissions’ and ‘alarming warming’ was restricted to parking lots in University campuses. Now, you try any of that anymore, the Feds will be right at you, and the next thing you know, you are sitting right beside a Senator or something! Especially if you paid for the emission!!
Now, if Jim Carter were the President, what can you expect to have happened after 9/11?
Yeah, you got it. A couple of more plane crashes, without terrorists on board. Engine trouble. Or birdshit splattering the windshield and blinding the pilots. And the Iranians would have been planning to invade the US, not the other way around.

THE NEBULOUS LADEN

Keeping bin Laden out of custody has been vital to American interests. How else would other terrorists know how painful your life can be if the free world wants your buttocks on a plate (with potatoes and hard carrots on the side) for $50 million?

Okay, folks, enough of beating around the old bush. Or the new one. It is a non-profitable activity, like looking for Deep Throat. And I am talking Watergate here, in case you are too young to have been a hippie and all.
The US Government has circulated to its secret sleeper agents (recruited by the CIA and the NSA) a few mugshots to capture an Osama bin Laden lookalike. The funda seems to be that since Osama and his dyed beard are well and truly limping to death, it has become imperative to capture someone who looks like him to show to the world. I am circulating a few of these pics.

http://www.coloradotalent.com

img.dailymail.co.uk/ i/pix/2006/06/lizjonesST0…

chavez

pamela

My opinion is that Come September, we are sprung with the Osama of ’42. 2042. That is when he will flop out of existence. And that is longer than I hope to live! Such are the Viagaries of Life!

BIN LADEN IS DYEING!

See, I told ya! In a previous post, I told ya how Osama bin Laden had an iPhone. I told ya how he is living in a modern-day cave in Pakistan and has access to all the latest technologies that al Gore Al Gore uses, without causing any increase in ambient temperatures, leave alone warming on a global level.
In the news all over the world, Laden lectures the US from in front of what looks like a highlighted wall, and uses references that the US Government provides free in its websites for the world to use.
He identifies capitalism as his main enemy and Noam Chomsky as his sympathizer. I couldn’t agree more!
Laden has even managed to get hold of L’Oreal and dye his hair. Now, what else could you want in life? Immortal in history, pantheonized in Islam, parodied in blogs, Osama is now the epitome of success and excess, both.
I understand from my secret sources that he has a pair of bimbettes from Las Vegas in a couple of private bedrooms beside his nuclear lab, in the floor above his environmental terror unit, and in front of his nanotechnology research lab. In case you lose your way in his lair, you can see a map in the genomics division (where research is on to enable Osama to spike the water supply in a country so that all those who drink the water would give birth to children each of whose one arm would be replaced by an AK-56 rifle, and the brain replaced by a timed explosive device).
In case you think such infrastructure is very hard to conceal, I agree, except to disagree. Robert Ludlum’s Jason Bourne used to say (before Matt Damon killed him) that the best place to hide something is to keep it in the most visible, public and unlikely place.
I have a feeling that bin Laden is ensconced in the CIA headquarters at Arlington disguised as a disguised bin Laden who is being trained to replace bin Laden.

HARRY POTTER AND THE CAVE OF OSAMA

Harry Potter had a dream. His scar was burning like his bum did after taking an overdose of Polyjuice Potion. He saw Lord Osamort relaxing in his lair in Mushydabad, in the hilly terrains of North West Pakistan. He saw Osamort (Osama to those close to him) watching a Presidential debate on U-Tube. An evil laugh filled the cave, as Osama leered at Hillary holding forth on Iraq. The Duck Lord looked aside and picked up his iPhone: “Hey, Afzal, how much have we spent on the US elections yet? What, only 5 million dollars? That won’t even cover the cost of the Washington madams! I tell you, we need to win this election! Get hold of some more! Ask those Dubai bastards to fish out some more from Bollywood or somewhere, or else!”
www.glennajorose.com/

With a single touch of his finger, the iPhone seamlessly opened up the iTunes application, calling out the muezzin’s call to the faithful to pray. Osama prayed. Every dime of the $699 had been worth it, he thought!
Harry woke up, sweating, his head feeling like a football dropped on Afghanistan from an American helicopter.
“The infidels shall play, I mean pay!” Harry heard the voice of You-Know-Where speaking. He had been warned that using the O word would trigger security alerts in the virtual world, with the American spies hunting down a lot of Obama supporters in their dyslexic search for Osama supporters.
Harry now knew that his nemesis was planning some horrible calamity to befall the US (like another Al Gore movie) as his revenge for the millions of anti-Islamic activities of the West. Like the fight against global warming… how dare they try to prevent the Holy Poppy from being burnt? He would soon make them poppers, he had promised.
Many years of hiding after 9/11 had bored O. He decided to make the most of what remained of his life, Inshallah! There was only one person who could come between him and absolute control over the world: that disgusting boy called Harry Potter.

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Using his iPhone, Osama touched the screen, and went into Google Earth to track down Potter. He saw Potter and his friends practising spells on Chinese mannequins.
“Hell, I hope the lead doesn’t kill them before I do”, he growled.
He shouted out, “Ayman! Where the sanctified fornication are you? This damn soap case does not come with an IM facility! Get me something that can hang well, like a Nokia N-series!”
Ayman hastened to his master with a cell phone. “Calling all Health Eaters!” he typed.
Yes, sir?” came in Hillary’s instant response.
O: Whr s Potr?
H: We are trying to find him, sir, I think he may be in the White House now. The last we saw him was going by boat to Cuba with Michael Moore, where he put in a Babbling Curse on the man.
Hillary didn’t have an iPhone, and so it was taking like fifty minutes to type one message. So she cut it short like O already had.
O: Y he do tht?
H: To mk muvee luk gud and fit tha fat.
H: Typo, fit d fact.
H: Typo 2. Fit d figures with facts. Or frig the ..
O: Stupefy!

Far away, Harry was watching this happen. He simply could not block these painful visions, because he was as bad at blocking others’ thoughts (Occlumency) as the Indian Leftists were good at it. He knew now what Osama’s evil plan was. He would hunt Harry down first, and then destroy and take over the United States. The UK would become an official US colony, which wouldn’t really change anything, but Hogwarts would be renamed as Hogwash.
Because he knew Disapparating would be a sure way of getting caught by local Dementors called HuJis, Harry took a low-fare flight from London to Albania, and sure enough, the pilot mistakenly landed the plane in Karachi, Pakistan, because the plane’s GPS system failed.
In Karachi, Harry logged on to http://www.osamaishere.net.co.pak, asked for directions to the Duck Lord’s cave, and in two hours, was just outside it. Osama knew Harry was coming, as the latter had stupidly put in a notice on his blog that he was going on leave.
“Harry, prepare to die!” said the Duck Lord.
“Crucio”, cried Harry.
(The Cruciatus curse causes instant and agonizing pain on the sufferer, leading to insanity. It is one of the Three Unforgivable Curses.)
Immediately, Osama was transformed to a patient in a corporate hospital without insurance coverage. A big burly Indian nurse called Mayawati refused him admission.
“All beds are reserved for those who are scheduled to come in now. However, please don’t lose your Reliance on us! As this is an emergency, I can do a free rectal exam on you right now.”
However, You-Know-Where had his faithful hordes.
Hillary reappeared and cast a spell that freed Osama.
“Nagini! Get him!!” You-Know-Where hissed in Parseltongue.
Immediately, Paris Hilton appeared and tried to crash her car into Harry. Harry survived the attack and let loose a Bushilliarmus curse from his magical wand that crushed buildings, hospitals, schools, factories, school buses, and caused death and devastation to all. Except to the Duck Lord.
Finally, as Osama let loose the dreaded Avada Kedavra spell, Harry converted to Socialism and hit back with a Riddikulus Act. Osama became weak and semi-comatose, like a minority Government, and then Harry hit him with a lethal spell of his own: “Obesify!”
As his body bloated up crazily and then exploded, Osama’s eyes lit up for a fraction of a second as a part of his fragmenting soul got trapped in a hammer and sickle lying nearby. As the light died from his eyes, he laughed manically. He had died, but his Horcrux was still living to fight another day. The future, he knew, was his alone! Quack, quack!