A MODERN JUNGLE STORY

Disclaimer: The following is a true story, and any resemblance to any real person, place or event is purely coincidental.
If you are one of those dial-up losers, please go hunt a whale and come back while the page finishes loading. The exercise will hopefully be worthwhile. For fuller details, click on each picture. And bring your kids! Here goes…

Not so long ago, far away from Hopeful Capes,

and a few hundred miles away from the surreally beautiful, jacaranda-lined streets of the city named after Andries Pretorius,

an African sun was slowly setting in the breathtaking bleakness of a long-awaited spring in the jungle.

A black princess named Hopeful was heading in the direction of Wall Street for a long drink with her friends.

She strayed away from her more conservative friends while chatting up a flirting Prince Subprime, the latter clad in a dapper, striped suit. “Come on, in vest with me, heheh”, the suit smirked.

Suddenly, Princess Hopeful was attacked by a violent group of blood-thirsty animals. Prince Subprime ran away in fear. He had only heard of a bear run, but what was this?

In a few minutes, Princess Hopeful was dead meat.

The world watched by, ostrich-like.

“No one was willing to stick his neck out for the princess”, she cried.

No, not even the heavyweights.

The big cat was sated, having had the lion’s share of the killing,

but his cohorts were behaving like Lehmann executives. In no time, the vultures flew in to take stock, and then waited patiently for payday.

Watching all this, an obscure Indian celebrity turned away indifferently, eager for relief from the heat and dust of jungle politics.

He was tired of the constant sale sell-offs. Every dip is a buying opportunity, the stock market pundits used to say. He was tired of buying.

By next day, he heard someone say, “The bulls are finished”, and wondered what it meant.

Want more stories? There is a Buffett ready!

(Pictures: all mine, taken with a simple Sony Cybershot 7.2 MP camera)

COMPETITIVE, CRAZY CHAUVINISM

The Thackeray clones are fighting to show who is more viciously pro-Marathi and ‘anti-outsider’.

The heir apparent, Udhav Thackeray, has promised to ‘parcel’ outsiders who come to Mumbai for jobs and send them out in cargo planes.

This came shortly after the original agent provocateur, Raj Thackeray, reiterated his views about how hateful it was that North Indians were “forming groups” and were insensitive to Marathi culture. I have no doubt that if he had his way, anyone who disagreed with his views would likely be banished or buried deep under.

So now two parties are competing to be more hateful and insular. Apparently, this is the easiest and most practical way to get popular votes.

Shame on the public for creating these minor monsters! What else can we expect from them, when they voted to power the same people that slaughtered hundreds of Muslims in 1992? Of course, the Muslim parties were responsible in no small measure for the tragedy.

For outsiders who don’t understand this issue, read about the Shiv Sena.

HISSTERIA AND A VISIT TO THE DENTIST

From Nature Blogs:

A zoo in Ohio has forked out $35,000 for what is believed to be the longest snake in captivity anywhere in the world. Columbus Zoo and Aquarium says it doesn’t buy animals very often – preferring to get them through exchanges or donations – but it decided the huge python was worth it due to its ability to draw in visitors.

(Pic credit: from Nature Blogs)

So, ladies and gents, we finally know how much a snake is really worth: $5000 a meter, this specimen being 24 feet (7.3 meters) long! The snake, called Fluffy (for some reason), eats “two 4.5 kilo rabbits a week”.

The snake story does not end here:

However Fluffy was nearly lost to the zoo and Ohio residents may have Samuel L. Jackson to thank for it staying. The beast was originally due to go back to its breeder Bob Clark in November, says the Columbus Dispatch. However the cargo company that was due to carry the 140 kg snake went out of business and finding an alternative giant-snake courier proved difficult.

The delay allowed time for the mega-bucks deal for Fluffy to be struck. “A lot of companies hesitate to transport snakes, especially since the movie Snakes on a Plane,” Pete Fingerhut, the zoo’s associate director, told the paper.

Now, how could I pass up a chance to twist some related words in adderly serpentine fashion? Especially since I just came back from my dentist and the cottonmouth effect of the local anesthetic is still obvious,except where she dug up kraiters in my teeth. I thought I needed a viper for the venom drooling from my mouth. Do you remamba the last time you went to a dentist? Can you recall the boaring pain and the constrictor effect on the heart as fear grips you, and pain shoots up like a sidewinder missile?

I never cover my assp, in a manner of speaking, and I take full responsibility for my dental health. No more taipanyaki chicken for me, especially as bird flu is nearby. Cull ho ya na ho!