(pic source: topnews.in
India’s Finance Minister, Mr. P Chidambaram (affectionately called PC) has advised his countrymen not to use certain words. A Twist of Word and Mind has the exclusive excerpts of his speech. If this country’s economy were not on the cholera commode, I would have asked for money for readers wanting to enjoy his historic speech. Anyways, such is the life of the unfortunate many who are not destined to make big money. Here is PC’s exclusive remarks he made to us:
I strongly caution the media against using the word ‘recession’ when referring to the Indian economy. We are not in a recession. We are merely in growth retardation, like a midget, sorry for not being PC!
You should, similarly, avoid using words loosely. After all, the Indian media cannot behave like an irresponsible blogger who misused his invite to the Leadership Summit in New Delhi last week. That was insinuation, another word we don’t want to see too often.
There is no confusion, either in me, or in the minds of the High Command. You cannot make good pasta if you are confused. You know, the art of pasta making is very precise and scientific. In a way, it is the culinary equivalent of sending a rocket to the moon. Imagine: a hundred different pastas, and each has a different boiling time. Each one is different: for example, you can’t use the shell types in a dry garlic-olive mix, you need it to be soaking in lots of gravy or soup. I could go on and on, as I have done a lot of research on this before I became Finance Minister, but let me get on to other equally important subjects. Don’t say there is confusion. There is none.
Don’t talk of the Opposition: there is none. We do not need one. We just need more position.
I hate people using the F word: there is no inFlation: we deFlated it. And this is thanks to the media. If they had not gone hammer and tongs at us over the weekly inflation data, we would not have created this economic growth retardation. After all, if you kill growth, there won’t be any inflation, will there?
“But, Sir, what about Zimbabwe? There is a 225 million percent inflation there, and the only growth they have is of the HIV virus. How can you…”
Please let us not compare spaghetti and vermicelli. We cannot compare with an advanced country like Zimbabwe. They even have more monkeys than we have, if you don’t count the Bajrang Dal!
Like I was saying, the media and the blogging community together have to be sensitive about the language. We are not negative, there are actually words we like: punctuation, dictation, relation, donation, election, defection, etc. But let us not use offensive words. Let us be Politically Correct (the real PC, I say, haha!) in our language. We like to see our people use more words like reservation, but not words like secession. Commission yes, corruption no. Seduction and secretion is good, not … let me not run out of words!
I would like you to create a Commission to make a list of shun-words that create inflammation in the minds of our silly public. Why don’t you put your suggestions for our implementation in our next media policy?
THE LINES OF HADES
After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.
(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)
Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.
Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:
Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.
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