THE LINES OF HADES

After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

OY, SHUN THESE WORDS!

(pic source: topnews.in
India’s Finance Minister, Mr. P Chidambaram (affectionately called PC) has advised his countrymen not to use certain words. A Twist of Word and Mind has the exclusive excerpts of his speech. If this country’s economy were not on the cholera commode, I would have asked for money for readers wanting to enjoy his historic speech. Anyways, such is the life of the unfortunate many who are not destined to make big money. Here is PC’s exclusive remarks he made to us:

I strongly caution the media against using the word ‘recession’ when referring to the Indian economy. We are not in a recession. We are merely in growth retardation, like a midget, sorry for not being PC!
You should, similarly, avoid using words loosely. After all, the Indian media cannot behave like an irresponsible blogger who misused his invite to the Leadership Summit in New Delhi last week. That was insinuation, another word we don’t want to see too often.
There is no confusion, either in me, or in the minds of the High Command. You cannot make good pasta if you are confused. You know, the art of pasta making is very precise and scientific. In a way, it is the culinary equivalent of sending a rocket to the moon. Imagine: a hundred different pastas, and each has a different boiling time. Each one is different: for example, you can’t use the shell types in a dry garlic-olive mix, you need it to be soaking in lots of gravy or soup. I could go on and on, as I have done a lot of research on this before I became Finance Minister, but let me get on to other equally important subjects. Don’t say there is confusion. There is none.
Don’t talk of the Opposition: there is none. We do not need one. We just need more position.
I hate people using the F word: there is no inFlation: we deFlated it. And this is thanks to the media. If they had not gone hammer and tongs at us over the weekly inflation data, we would not have created this economic growth retardation. After all, if you kill growth, there won’t be any inflation, will there?

“But, Sir, what about Zimbabwe? There is a 225 million percent inflation there, and the only growth they have is of the HIV virus. How can you…”

Please let us not compare spaghetti and vermicelli. We cannot compare with an advanced country like Zimbabwe. They even have more monkeys than we have, if you don’t count the Bajrang Dal!
Like I was saying, the media and the blogging community together have to be sensitive about the language. We are not negative, there are actually words we like: punctuation, dictation, relation, donation, election, defection, etc. But let us not use offensive words. Let us be Politically Correct (the real PC, I say, haha!) in our language. We like to see our people use more words like reservation, but not words like secession. Commission yes, corruption no. Seduction and secretion is good, not … let me not run out of words!
I would like you to create a Commission to make a list of shun-words that create inflammation in the minds of our silly public. Why don’t you put your suggestions for our implementation in our next media policy?

THE BLEEDERSHIP SUMMIT

Editor’s Note:
The following story does not really match our publishing standards, but there is a recession going on, both hair and in the real world. After all, if Andy Borowitz is considered funny, when only one in four of his articles are up to the mark, we thought we should be more liberal with the Doc. So here is a subprime article in these difficult times. Comments should be moderate in severity, please.

For all you losers who were not invited to the Bleedership Summit in New Delhi today, there is hope. You favorite blog was invited to participate in an act of national snoring at the venue.
Here are excerpts from the litterati glitterati.

Manmohan Singh, Indian Prime Minister:
We have showed the world that we wore an economic turban by not allowing free-wheeling economic policies for auto companies. When the world is reeling in recession, we are spending on moon missions and are making money on petro prices. As you know, the Indian consumer is paying the same money today for petrol and diesel, when crude is below 50 dollars, as when he was when crude was 150 dollars. On top of that, we take half that money in taxes. You see, the crude glass is half fool. So there is no need to panic.

We have a solid plan to tackle our economic crisis: it is called Barrack Obama. On top of that, we are diverting the minds of the recession-stricken jobless youth by sending satellites to the moon, controlling private international schools, promoting local jobs in Maharashtra, etc. We are on an 8% growth path.

Any questions from the audience?

Audience:
“Zzzzzz?”
“Zzzzzzz??”
“Arrey, coffee milega kya?”
“Sir, you are saying our economy will grow at 8% year on year?”
PM:
“No, I am talking of our party’s economy!”

Sonia Gandhi, Congress (I) President:

My mother-in-law, the widely reviled Indira Gandhi, has now been proven to be far-sighted and wiser than even LK Advaniji. She nationalised banks in India and pushed India to the depths of poverty. Today, the West is following that same path by embracing both nationalisation and poverty.
On top of that, she invested our countrymen’s wealth in private, numbered Swiss Banks that have not invested in derivatives or given any subprime loans. Our money is safe, let me assure you. On top of that, Rajivji’s investments from the Bofors voluntary donations are growing at 8% annually, year-on-year.
Every passing day shows that we should invest more in the public sector, so that we can win the next election, and so that we can tax the middle class some more. I am very clear in my mind that we want an open economy. The private sector is free to pay taxes, and must not forget that it has an obligation to provide jobs, drinking water and condoms to the Common Man. The Government will do its job of winning elections and restricting freedoms.
Now that we are rid of the Communists, we are clearly in favor of the capitalisation of nationalisation. We are for freedom of the economy with complete regulation. All these things I learned from Rajivji. If this sound contradictory, just wait for Mr. Chidambaram’s speech!
In confusion conclusion, we stand for full freedom and liberalisation. Within the Communist Party, of course.

Laloo Prasad Yadav, Union Railway Minister:
Maharashtra is my estate. Dilli is my estate. And Bihar is mai real estate. Whenever I have been in Pawar power, I have made estates. It is for this effort of mine that pippul from Harvard call me the Fodder of the Nation. You media pippuls just stop showing the circus of Raj Thackeray, and show me do my circus clown act.

LK Advani, Leader of the Opposition:

There is no Hindu terror. There is only Congress terror. We are terrified of Rahul Gandhi. The country’s situation makes me sad. Sad vi all are. The Congress is hiding a lot of corruption scandals. We were different. We were very transparent and open about our corruption.
I don’t want to say any more. We believe in Godhra God, and hope that there is a Modicum of Solace for India.

Eminent Surgeon-Blogger from audience:

I wanna go home. Mamma mia!

Editor:
See, I told ya!

BAKWAAS KHABAR 04.03.08.

On the occasion of India’s famous and historic victory over Australia in the Commonwealth Series today, we interviewed some celebrities. We reproduce their comments.

Sreesanth:

Eye yam verry happy begauze we played fentastick krickett. Jay baarut madha kee?!

Harbhajan:

I am so happy… I am hungry for maaki..we showed what a roti team they have. Never a daal baal mo(ve)ment in Oz…We taught them not to twist our tails. By the way, let me introduce you to my new girlfriend, Simian….

Dhoni:

It is all because we have changed our styles. I mean our hair styles. Look at us. We are united in our diversity: from Sehwag to Ishant Sharma….

Sachin:

I shouldered the responsibility of catching Dhoni when he dived at the ball deflecting off Hayden’s bat. Now I am sore we are all going to have a big insider party. You can always have Reliance on us. Oil will be well! You know, at our parties, the chips are blue and triangular and taken off the same old block. Bingo!

Sharad Pawar:

On this great occasion, we will give the cricketers a grand party in Delhi. At Rashtrapati Bhavan we will give them farmer status. Therefore they can expect our banks to loan them Rs.100,000 crores at low interests which we will wave off before the next general elections. If the Finance Minister does not do this, I will commit suicide.

(Mr. Pawar, because he has had jaw surgery, sounds as if he is chewing a pound of cotton in his mouth).

P Chidambaram:

We notice the agricultural shots Dhoni keeps making. He gives the opponents a run for their money, just like I make taxpayers run for their money. As Mr. Pawar said, once the loans are waved off by our Madam’s hand, the stock prices of the PSU banks like SBI will collapse. Our farmer cricketers can then buy these shares and capitalise on the returns. Of course, we will also return after the said election, if there is anything left to return to.

Bal Thackeray:

It is all bikaas of Sachin. He is a true Ma(ha)rathi, and therefore a true Indian. We will celebrate in style tumaarow. We will thrash up all the Bihari taxi wallahs in Mumbai, unless they can bat like Sachin. But don’t lick this out, as the fun will be lost if they run away before this.

Prakash Karat:

We are totally against the Commonwealth. We are for common poverty. We want everyone to reflect the misery that the US nuclear deal makes us feel. As far as the cricketers are concerned, we will felicitate the left handed players like Sourav, Sourav and Sourav with plots of land in the desert, er, I mean, in Nandigram. We are also keen to encourage our cricketers to take up farming and agitculture agriculture. We will grant them 123 liters of a new insecticide we are giving all our formers farmers in Bangall, called Genocide. We give this without Mamata, but with kshamata. With Genocide, our enemies have nowhere to Hyde, you know.

BAKWAAS KHABAR 24.11.07.

Shah Rukh Khan has said he will never watch a cricket match ever and that he does not need them to promote his movies.
We know, we know! He hates money like we hate six-pack-abs in elderly-looking men. Television watchers, their Shanti lost since the time he appeared in those Reliance ads, have sent millions of SMS texts approving his action. People who were planning to watch the upcoming Indian Cricket League (ICL) are having nightmares, expecting SRK to come for those games instead.
Recently, a poll showed that SRK was the richest ugly actor in the world. He narrowly beat himself to second place.

Ashok Todi (of the Rizwanur murder case) took a lie detector test in New Delhi Friday.
The test was abandoned, because whenever Todi used the words ‘innocent’, ‘Police Commissioner’ and ‘bribe’, the machine went out of order. Engineers are calling it the ‘Clinton-Laloo Effect’.

The Ansals of the Uphaar fire tragedy were left scot free in a judgment in a Sessions Court in Delhi. The relatives of the 56 dead want a greater punishment for the Ansals.
The lawyers of the relatives have advised them to allege that the Ansals have killed some glorified deer like cinkaras. Apparently that could get them in prison for life. What’s 56 dead against a deer?

Taslima Nasrin has taken refuge in Delhi.
Publishers are lining up outside her door to sign her up for her next book telling all on which celebrities she slept with there.
The Home Ministry has asked for former cop, KPS Gill, to take charge of giving her protection. Taslima is supposed to have reacted: “But who will protect me from the protector?” Pinched at her reaction, the Home Minister has promised to get to the bottom of it.

Raj Kumar Santoshi has said he is open to casting for his new movie.
And he is not even particular about the couch, insiders say!

Three cities in Uttar Pradesh suffered bomb blasts on Friday.
Mamata Banerjee has called a Bengal Bandh to protest that the CPI(M) Government in Bengal could not do anything to prevent it.
In the meanwhile, a young Kolkata doctor has proposed marriage to Mamata. He says it is his equivalent of self-immolation in the Nation’s cause, as a little ‘public servicing’ (sic) would do good to both Mamata and India.

Om Shanti Om has hit the top 10 in the UK.
In an unrelated development, a poll has declared that people with the worst taste in movies live in the UK.

‘Goal’, starring Bipasha Basu is releasing in theaters today.
Bipasha is said to be on the ball, dribbling for her hero. Christiano Ronaldo.

Union Information and Broadcasting Minister Priyaranjan Das Munshi says there is a need for low cost theaters in India.
As one working in the most expensive one (Lok Sabha, where Rs. 26,000 is burnt every second), he is surely qualified to comment. Film actors, including Shahid Kapur, have reacted strongly to the idea, saying they want low cost sex instead. Rakhi Sawant was not available for comment.

CPM MPs thump their desks when Home Minister Shivraj Patil defends the State Government re Nandigram.
A wag said: “If they can bang an entire country, what is so big about desks?”

BAKWAS KHABAR 13.10.07.

Infants’ cold medicines have been withdrawn from the market.
The immediate fallout was that the UPA Government caught a bad cold from the 123 virus.
Dr. ElBaradei was consulted in New Delhi, but did not impress the patient, Manmohan Singh. Singh has called Dr. Karat, a famous specialist in stopping things cold, for a second opinion.

Kareena Kapoor has given up veggies and taken up chicken…
Industry insiders claim that her love for Shahid Kapur is so strong that she has gone one step further and given up sexual abstinence as well. With Saif Ali Khan.

Gujjars call off their agitation after Rajasthan Govt. agrees to free the members of the community who are in jails.
Apparently the only place Gujjars have adequate reservations is in the jails: around 80%.

Chances of developing a brain tumour doubles for those who are hooked to their mobile phones for more than ten years.
The Indian Council of Medical Research said that the only significant chance of being alive after living in urban India for ten years was if you were a politician.

Terming higher education as a “sick child”, HRD Minister Arjun Singh on Wednesday lamented it was not serving the cause of young people and asked the Vice Chancellors to work on a road map for providing quality and inclusive education.
In a MODE opinion poll, 80% of youths surveyed said that the most alarming example of India’s deteriorating education system was that Arjun Singh was Minister in charge of it.

“Today, not more than nine to ten per cent graduates are employable,” Arjun Singh said.
He forgot to mention that the remaining 90 % belonged to the Congress Party.

Jaya (Bachchan) aunty is like my mother : actress Rani Mukherjee
Actually, the actress was saying “Jaya Auntie, teri ma ki..” when a cough interrupted her voice.

400 is just a number…. : Sachin Tendulkar
…and the number of times, statisticians say, Indian batsmen have collapsed under pace.
Sachin was overheard breathing aside to wife Anjali: ” …yeah, but 1000 is serious money!”

Sreesanth taunted Symonds near dressing room, says Oz media.
He was actually trying to speak in English, simbly to wish them ‘best of luck’ but it sounded like a more typical Aussie four letter word.

“I have to help and guide the young spinners in the team,” Harbhajan Singh says.
Batsmen from over the world endorsed his statement, saying he had helped them better their averages all through his career.

Gujarat chief minister Narendra Modi said he believes in the ideals of Mahatma Gandhi.
Modi clarified that six feet under, in the graveyards of Gujarat, there is absolute communal harmony.

RCom Brings $100 Laptop to India.
Rumor has it that a leading Bangalore-based computer company has already sounded out the parents of the children receiving the laptops to sell it to them for Rs. 100.

Nokia’s First Design Studio will be opened in Bangalore, India.
AP reports that leading Islamic terror organizations have identified it as the best Asian center for training in explosives.

Reliance RCom has unveiled a Rs 999 color phone.
The only color you can see is the color of money. All 34 billion of it.

BAKWAS KHABAR 05.10.07.

India and the US have agreed to jointly develop medical technology.
Apollo Hospitals immediately increased their tariffs by ten times, as a first step towards Americanisation.

Even a RAW tea party is top secret, says ex-RAW official.
Our intelligence officers are known to have taken a vow to “pee peeke jhar jaaonga”. A former officer has exposed the drawers of these peepeeng Taams by writing a tell-all book.

Nepali supporters of Indian Idol Prashant Tamang burnt vehicles and public property because a Radio Jockey said something nasty about him and them.
The Supreme Court ruled that it is illegal to call anyone a Nepali or a chowkidar. They have, henceforth, to be called cerebrally challenged. This proposal was opposed by the Cerebral Palsy Association of India. The Court also recommended they be called Police Commissioner of Kolkata Police. Oh, sorry, that is also an abusive term, said Muslim youths in Kolkata. Or SMSkars. This decision to rename them would be taken on the basis of an SMS poll. The Court also directed the telecom companies to reserve 27% of their profits for Prashant Tamang. His supporters have declared a holiday till next Sunday in celebration.

A patient at a Government Railway hospital in Kolkata was passed a bottle of acid when he asked for some water to wash his hands with. He had to have his fingers amputated later, though his family was not informed of the injuries.
The Health Minister denied that this had any implication on public health services. “This is merely a case of hyperacidity”, he said. This was just an attempt to participate in the Government’s ‘Haath Ki Safaai’ program, he said.
KFC has announced a lifetime discount for the patient, because here is one person who is a living example of ‘finger lickin’ good’ being an empty catch phrase. On being asked for a reaction, the patient, just after his fourth amputation, said, “Chop, chop! Mera bheja fry mat kar, yaar!”

Versatile actor Kamal Haasan, donning the grease paint for ten diverse roles in his yet-to-be-released film ‘Dasavathaaram’, has played it to the hilt by dubbing in ten different voices for the characters.
In other words, he is playing the role of Deve Gowda?
Considering that his voice keeps breaking down every ten seconds, he can even try for the next Indian Idol.

India’s media on Wednesday condemned fast bowler S Sreesanth’s on-field tantrums after he clashed with Australian batsmen, saying there was a ‘thin line between aggression and antics.’
A clear fool t’ass!
Any more of such looks, and Aussie batsmen will get sucked into his nostrils, say experts.

Shane Warne to play in Hong Kong Sixes tournament.
His secretary said, off the record, that when he becomes sober, he will realize that this is not an orgy with the Hong Kong sexes , and that it’s a cricket tournament. Accordingly he will withdraw in time by making a dirty phone call.

By 2010, climate change will lead to 50 million people homeless.
Yeah, will be an improvement over the present 100 million homeless. Sahara India boss Subrata Roy announced free housing for all of them, in return for votes in favor of the Samajwadi Party of Amar Singh. Amitabh Bachchan’s name also figured in the list of these homeless poor.