Category Archives: china

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In light of recent developments, the famous phrase “Not for all the tea in China” will be changed immediately to “Not for all the T-Bills in China.” (Paul Feehan)

The case is finally coming to court of a North Carolina firm that collected human body parts for transplants, which was closed because the owners kept inaccurate records. It appears the owner just doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Although the owner put his heart and soul into it, he just didn’t have a good head for business. (Jerry Perisho)

So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, “Wow! There really hasn’t been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.” (David Letterman)

There was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. They are calling it the city’s biggest snow job since that stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

I’ll miss New York but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.” (Conan O’Brien, whose NBC show is relocating to Los Angeles)

President Obama says it’s only the “rich few” who oppose his spending plan. What he meant to say was that after his plan is enacted, only a few of us will be rich. (Jake Novak)

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government’s “Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.” (Jay Leno)

Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s monthly batting averages, March to October, for the 2008 season: 1.000, .305, .293, .264, .236, .193, .178, .100. No word on whether he answers to the nickname of “Stock Market.” (Dwight Perry)

Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He’s enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama’s policies is Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, “Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?” Have you seen Rush lately? (Jay Leno)

According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges. (Craig Ferguson)

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don’t have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-23-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jamaican Usain Bolt shattered the world record in the men’s 100 meter dash to win the gold medal over the weekend. The only person in the world faster than Bolt is John McCain running away from George Bush. (William Hale)

Russia’s invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy. (Argus Hamilton)

After the Olympics, the Chinese will be converting the Great Wall into the world’s longest shopping center. It will be titled the Great Mall of China. (Author Unknown)

Morgan Stanley has been hired to help the government fix mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Isn’t that like Paris Hilton going to Britney Spears for acting lessons? (Jim Barach)

The former President of Chad has been sentenced to death for crimes against the state. His execution could result in his becoming a hanging Chad. (Jim Barach)

A study says that runners live longer and stay healthier than people who don’t exercise. Next they will be telling us that people who read more tend to be smarter. (Jim Barach)

Wal-Mart’s hourly employees complained Friday that managers of the company told them that they should vote for McCain. Employees thought it was outrageous; years of working for the company and the owners still don’t know illegals can’t vote! (Pedro Bartes)

On TV, a U. S. political expert said we should lower the voting age to 16. Hey, why stop at 16? By the time this election is over — I have a feeling we’re all gonna be wishing we were wearing diapers. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal. There was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested he should have it bronzed. (Alex Kaseberg)

At the Beijing Olympics, Misty May-Traenor and Kerry Walsh defeated China to win the gold medal in women’s beach volleyball in the pouring rain. How many chances to you get to see a great beach volleyball gold medal win and a wet t-shirt contest at the same time? (Alex Kaseberg)

McCain said Thursday that money is not everything and that he knows billionaires that are not happy. Just like his wife, Cindy, every time she has to change his diapers. (Pedro Bartes)

Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs – and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room. (Craig Ferguson)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Chinese government says that’s not smog you see on your TV when you watch the Olympics. They say your TV screen needs dusting. (Tom’s Lake Humor Co.)

When President Bush was informed Russia attacked Georgia, there was an awkward moment when Bush yelled; “We must save Atlanta.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Seeing that the book, “Obama Nation” has become an instant best-seller based on the word play in its title, the publisher plans a sequel entitled, “McCain Is Not Abel.” (Scott Witt)

Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that’s what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were. (Jay Leno)

You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn’t be our president. He should be our mascot. (Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics)

Strange how everyone is blasting John Edwards for having an affair, but nobody mentions John McCain’s affair with with his current younger, wealthier wife before he dumped Carol McCain. Fortunately, McCain and his supporters can’t remember anything that far back. Except maybe a prison camp or two. (Joe Hickman)

Look at the latest issue (of the National Enquirer)… about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? Confidential to Miss Longoria, if you’re trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards. (Stephen Colbert)

Russian troops captured Josef Stalin’s birthplace in Georgia Monday. Nostalgia for the Thirties is sweeping the world. Russian troops captured Stalin’s hometown, China is staging Hitler’s Olympics and the United States is reliving the Hoover years. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton urged offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric cars in a mock campaign ad which drew raves. You know where this is going. The last presidential debate will be hosted by Jeff Foxworthy and titled, Are You Smarter than Paris Hilton? (Argus Hamilton)

China said Tuesday it distributed one hundred thousand condoms to the athletes in Beijing. It works out to two hundred condoms per athlete for the two-week stay. It’s just another example that the breakage rate with Chinese products is pretty high. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton won praise Thursday for her mock campaign ad calling for offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric car makers. The candidates are just lucky she’s not old enough to run. She combines the most electable qualities of both Clintons. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-09-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

To give you an idea of how bad the smog is in Beijing, China – today they were named L.A.’s sister city. (Jay Leno)

Iranians have suspended the practice of stoning people to death. President Bush was happy because we shouldn’t waste so much pot. (Pedro Bartes)

The latest polls say Barack Obama has a nine point lead over John McCain in November’s election. That gives the Democrats a full three months before the election to completely screw things up. (Jim Barach)

Have you seen this ad from the McCain campaign where they compare Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears? Well, President Bush saw the ad today and he said, “I had no idea Barack Obama didn’t wear underwear.” He was stunned when he heard. (Jay Leno)

Congress is apologizing for slavery. 143 years late. That means we should be getting an apology for the war in Iraq and the mortgage crisis sometime around 2151. (Jim Barach)

The House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday naming tobacco a drug and placing it under FDA supervision. How very clever. They think if it’s classified as a drug, Baby Boomers will start smoking again, and that could save Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better. (Jay Leno)

Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama ‘energy plan’ tire gauges. You see? It’s a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it’s an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That’s not just me talking. The government’s own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU. (Stephen Colbert)

Congress is moving to ban lead from toys and other kids goods. They’re just getting around to this now? It sounds like Congress is the one that needs to get the lead out. (Jim Barach)

The Washington Post editorial page chided Barack Obama on Wednesday for acting as if he were already the President of the United States. He’s becoming a lot more humble as the campaign grinds on. During the Democratic primaries he acted as if he were Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don’t they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows. (Jay Leno)

There is no denying the president’s a hard-core man of the road. Bush, of course, also holds the record for most presidential vacation days, 506 and counting. You know, between that and the travel days, I think it’s clear there is something about being at the White House our president cannot stand. (Jon Stewart)

Barack Obama urged Americans Tuesday to keep their tires properly inflated to help save on oil. It’s a lost skill. Los Angeles service stations will still check breasts for proper inflation but there’s nobody there who knows how to check tires. (Argus Hamilton)

And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they’re comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there’s one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it’s electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood — you know, except for those. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. I guess that’s what that was. (Jay Leno)

Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected. (Jay Leno)

GOP candidate Ron Paul co-sponsored Congressman Barney Frank’s bill to eliminate federal laws against marijuana possession. It could solve a lot of things. People drive so slowly when they’re stoned, it could save America ten million barrels of oil a day. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama insinuated Thursday that Republicans are always reminding voters he’s black. It was startling. When Depends first came out, doctors were horrified to discover how many people were incontinent, and now we find out that everybody’s blind. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-02-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Alluding to the surplus that Bush inherited on taking office in 2001: “The president who repeatedly pledged to cut the deficit in half has instead brought it to a record high. President Bush squandered a $236 billion surplus, ran up record deficits and added nearly $4 trillion to the national debt. Mr. President, we will be forever in your debt.” (Rep. Rahm Emanuel, Dem. IL)

I’m going to Green Bay for Brett Favre straight up (Sign held by Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez during game hours before his trade to the Dodgers)

President Bush says that we have economic problems because Wall Street got drunk and has a hangover. What the President fails to mention is that he has been tending bar for nearly eight years. (Jim Barach)

McCain is not backing down. He’s defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being “all talk and little action.” That’s what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action. (Jay Leno)

Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there’s a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that. (Jay Leno)

There’s excitement in the air over the Olympics…also lead, arsenic, benzene. (David Letterman)

Heard about this group called “Prayer at the Pump”? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan. (Jay Leno)

LA had a 5.4 earthquake which is fine unless you happen to be getting laser eye surgery or a circumcision; and heaven forbid you were getting laser eye surgery and a circumcision at the same time during the quake because you could end up cock-eyed. (Alex Kaseberg)

You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States. (David Letterman)

In the blockbuster movie “The Dark Knight,” Aaron Eckert plays crusading district attorney Harvey Dent. Tragically a major portion of Harvey Dent’s face and body are badly burnt, leaving him hideous on the left half. While Dent is charismatic and likable in the first part of the film, by the end he really shows his ugly side. (Richard Lederer)

The new Kevin Costner movie “Swing Vote” is about one man’s vote deciding who becomes the U.S. President. It was originally called “The Antonin Scalia Story”. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-03-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On the alleged sexual affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when she was 15 years old: “Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors.” (Jay Leno)

This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night..(Pedro Bartes)

Prince William’s image may be hurt by his recent antics with a military helicopter. A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines, who is not taking his stint in the military seriously? Thank goodness that could never happen here in America. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly. (Craig Ferguson)

The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to their local gas station. (Jake Novak)

Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there’s a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food? (Jay Leno)

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along. (Argus Hamilton)

Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress. (Pedro Bartes)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-23-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that’s because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do. (Jay Leno)

So John McCain has now embraced the Bush tax cuts and voted against an anti-torture bill. He didn’t need Mitt Romney’s recent endorsement – he’s become Mitt Romney. (Janice Hough)

Four strands of George Washington’s hair sold for 17-grand at a Kentucky auction. There were rumors that his teeth were up for bidding. But they turned out to be false. (Alan Ray)

The Hallmark meat packing plant that caused the biggest meat recall in U.S. history may shut down. But its defenders say Hallmark lived up to the slogan, “When you care enough to send the very wurst.” (Scott Witt)

This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton made went to Harvard to pick up the Harvard Lampoon’s Woman of the Year trophy. This marks the first and only time the words “Paris Hilton went to Harvard” have ever been used. It was awkward when they tried to explain to Paris that the award was an example of irony, Paris said; “Like my maid totally does all of my ironing.” (Alex Kaseberg)

An 18 year old Utah woman won the title of best grocery bagger. She immediately got all kinds of proposals from guys who heard she was great in the sack. (Jim Barach)

University of Washington scientists have invented a tiny camera that you swallow so it can take interior pictures — such as inside a bile duct or fallopian tube. They’re not sure it’ll work in the intestines, however. That would be too much of a crap shoot. (Scott Witt)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

Carl Rove told an interviewer that “Years from now, people will thank God that Bush invaded Iraq.” Unfortunately, they’ll be kneeling on prayer rugs, adjusting their dynamite vests, and facing Mecca (Bob Mills)

Thousands of bats are reportedly dying from a mysterious illness in New York. Authorities say they have never seen so many listless bats in New York outside of Shea Stadium. (Jim Barach)

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