Category Archives: entertainment

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There’s an exciting new concept to lower the unemployment rate. If you’re over 45, you’re not unemployed; you’re on “early retirement.” (Robt Stupple)

President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic. (Jay Leno)

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for. (Jay Leno)

On Tuesday, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking drugs. Barry Bonds called A-Rod and advised him, “Don’t go getting a big head!” (Jerry Perisho)

Ah, spring training. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Now Senator Burris is putting out another story of how he got picked by Blagojevich. No wonder folks look at him as if he’s a crook; he’s a second-story man. (Gil Stern)

Alaska officials have told Governor Sarah Palin she owes back taxes on the thousands of dollars she received in state per diem funds while living at her home in Wasilla. You know what could be next: Yep, a cabinet post in the Obama administration. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama says the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Local libertarians are proposing the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. Congressmen would not need to worry about their income as it would be adequately provided by lobbyists. (Stan Kegel)

“Dancing with the Stars” has chosien Lawrence Taylor as a contestant. Do not — I repeat, do not — tell him to go break a leg. (Frenchie McFarlane)

That’s the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things. (Jay Leno)

The country is suffering a nationwide nursing shortage. There is only one way to fill the nursing gap; Salma Hayek. She’ll nurse anybody. (Jerry Perisho)

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, here’s the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail. (Jay Leno)

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn’t work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers. (Argus Hamilton)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Monday is President’s Day. Legend has it George Washington heaved a silver dollar across the Potomac. To commemorate the event, this week Congress will throw lots of money away. (Alan Ray)

Money talks and taxes are how it eats its own words. (Gil Stern)

Spring training is just around the corner. Next week, pitchers and catchers and pharmacists report. (Gary Loewen)

Michael Phelps relationship with Kellogg’s has gone up in smoke. (Tim Hunter)

I just noticed that if you divide the 2009 FDA budget by the population of the US, you get $6.25, exactly enough to buy every American a bulk pack of Keebler’s Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers. Coincidence? I think not! (Paul Benoit)

When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes. (Conan O’Brien)

People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm. (David Letterman)

Today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.’s in a room full of politicians — they had to flip a coin to see who’s going to tell the first lie. (Jay Leno)

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman makes, a prostitute makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama says without Lincoln’s presidency, a black man might never have been elected President. All due respect to Lincoln, but without George W. Bush’s efforts, a black man might not have been elected President.(Janice Hough)

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall Street. (Scott Witt)

A woman who ran an escort service servicing Wall Street gave an interview to ABC and said that some of the banks CEO’s were her clients. I don’t believe her, why would the banker pay to have sex if they have been screwing the country for free for years?. (Pedro Bartes)

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest in the Netherlands. (Marv Kaminsky)

See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour? (Jay Leno)

President Obama’s admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the president before that to admit he screwed anything. (Argus Hamilton)

Sarah Palin celebrated her 45th birthday Wednesday. And she did it like always with her traditional chocolate moose cake. (Pedro Bartes)

These days Barack Obama has to be thinking, Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this. (Janice Hough)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The trouble with the economy is that we’re operating in the red while hoping to get money out of the blue. (Gil Stern)

I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high. (David Letterman)

If we learn anything from the current confirmation hearings, it is that we could significantly reduce the national debt by routine audits of senators, congressmen and other elected officials. And why not add CEOs and other executives of major corporations to that list? (Stan Kegel)

Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high ranked politicians have a brother than taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy, and Jeb his brother George (Pedro Bartes)

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)

You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. (Craig Ferguson)

According to a CNN survey, almost 50% of office romances lead to marriage. The other 50% lead to job promotions. (Pedro Bartes)

Beleaguered Citigroup, which had secured the naming rights to the Mets’ new ballpark for the next 20 years, is reportedly thinking about backing out of the deal. Assuming there’s no penalty for early withdrawal. (Dwight Perry)

US Airways is now charging $7 for a pillow. That’s sort of high considering they get their goose feathers for free. (Norm M)

Mothballed basketballer Stephon Marbury hasn’t played a minute for the Knicks this season but is still collecting his $21.9 million salary — or nearly as much as Serena Williams, the highest-paid women’s athlete in history, has made in her entire career. Just think,Serena plays tennis, but Stephon has the bigger racket. (Dan Daly)

Republican Senator Jim DeMint says the White House will “create crisis” and “panic” to push President Obama’s stimulus bill. DeMint says creating crisis and panic should only be used in order to start a war. (Jim Barach)

Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds. To which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.” (Jay Leno)

Nancy Killefer withdrew her nomination to the Obama administration because of tax problems. Running from a job over taxes — in Washington this is becoming known as the 100-yard Daschle. (Doug Austen)

A California woman who already had six kids gave birth to octuplets after taking fertility treatments. Fertility treatments for someone with six children? Isn’t that like giving a laxative to someone who has just eaten at Taco Bell? (Jim Barach)

A Florida couple paid $155,000 for a clone of their dog that died. Those people need to be spayed and neutered. (Bob Barker)
Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-31-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And so just how popular is our new president? The way I see it, if it ain’t Barack, don’t fixate! (Tom Mitchell)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday, so it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They will have one politician sitting in the White House, and the other one sitting in the big house. (Jay Leno)

Governor Rod Blagojevich will be the guest on “Larry King Live” Monday night. Viewers are invited to call in with their questions — $5 for the first minute, $1.50 for each additional minute. (Todd Long)

Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that’s refreshing, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

The email system in the Obama White House crashed Monday morning. Political historians say the last thing to go down in the White House was Monica Lewinsky. (Jerry Perisho)

Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president. (Craig Ferguson)

They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off. (David Letterman)

Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That’s a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees’ payroll for a season and a half. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland. (Conan O’Brien)

PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house. (Craig Ferguson)

The Super Bowl is Sunday. The NBC play-by-play team will be there giving the most in-depth analysis. Of what’s up later on NBC. (Alan Ray)

In Tampa, where Sunday’s Super Bowl game will take place, there are 43 strip clubs, many within walking distance of the football stadium. Dancers at strip clubs during Super Bowl week can make $2,000 per day. And, there is no “illegal use of the hands” rule. (Jerry Perisho)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Sunday news shows that Congress spending two hundred million dollars on birth control will help stimulate the American economy. This is crazy. An economy that is screwing this many people doesn’t need any more stimulation. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There’s outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he’s hostile to gun rights. (Argus Hamilton)
Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-24-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Every single TV network was covering the inauguration except Fox; they’re still doing a recount. (Jay Leno)

Obama’s getting things done fast. In two days he’s taken as many oaths of office as Bush did in eight years. (Doug Austen)

Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Amazingly enough, even with two million people on the mall, there were no arrests in D.C. Not that were was no crime. After all, Congress was still in session. (Will Durst)

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That’s the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner. (Jay Leno)

President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief Justice forgot to make him say the word faithfully. Everyone had the same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath there’d have been no grounds to impeach him. (Argus Hamilton)

For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer. (Will Durst)

President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range. — A place where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course. (Joe Hickman)

In his inaugural speech, Barack Obama promised change but that every person in the US is going to have to sacrifice and work hard for it. To which every person in the US said; “Whoa. When we said we wanted change we didn’t mean we wanted to have to do anything.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the fittest president in history. Do you know who our second fittest president was? Bill Clinton. He once did fifty push ups in a row. And that was just on one intern. (Alex Kaseberg)

The most successful Olympic product pushers of all time: 1) Decathlete Bob Mathias, Wheaties cereal. 2) Gymnast Mary Lou Retton, Energizer batteries. 3) East German women’s swim team, Colonel Conk’s Moustache Wax. (Dwight Perry)

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I’m not asking for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone. (Alex Kaseberg)

LeBron James’ being will be on the cover of the February issue of GQ magazine. Meanwhile, NFL star Plaxico Burress will be on the cover of Guns & Ammo. (Jerry Perisho)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush, would make a great President. If Jeb Bush does become President, the White House would have seen more Bush than, well, when Clinton was there. (Alex Kaseberg)

Las Vegas oddsmakers installed USC as a 2 ½-point favorite over Texas and the Florida-Oklahoma winner by 7 ½ over Utah in next week’s football Final Four semifinals … And then the blasted alarm clock went off. (David J. Wardell)

The F.D.A. has approved a new drug that will give people longer eyelashes. Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer research. (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton is being considered to replace his wife as a senator of New York, making it the first time Bill is interested in Hillary’s seat. (Pedro Bartes)

Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it’s not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money. (David Letterman)

A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right, Middle East, a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world? U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Conan O’Brien)

Hustler’s Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” are asking for $5 billion in federal bailout money. Speaking of federal money going to those doing lewd acts, when does Larry Craig start drawing his pension? (Jerry Perisho)

The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members. Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but also the border. (Pedro Bartes)

How shocking was the much-maligned Pac-10’s 5-0 record in bowl games? That’s like turning on the television on election night,and finding out Ron Paul is ahead. (Brad Dickson)

According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you have to see those who manage the country’s economy. (Pedro Bartes)

Lynn Tucker got a late start on her boxing career, but she has a great excuse. The 30-year-old mother of seven, set to debut in Friday’s local Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl, stated “I’ve always wanted to do this, but I’ve been pregnant my entire adult life. I got married when I was 18, and I’ve been pregnant ever since. The factory’s closed.” (Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail)

Democrat Al Franken has defeated the incumbent US Senator from Minnesota Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Wow, what a close vote! You know what Minnesota needs? They need a Rod Blagojevich to help streamline the election process. (Jerry Perisho)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-27-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

So the Bush years are coming to a close. It’s the end of an error. (Jerry Smith)

Congress has given itself a $4700 a year pay raise. They want to make sure that they make enough money so that if a lobbyist wants to bribe them, it will have to be really worth it. (Jim Barach)

When did Mark Tiexeria become Willie Mays, Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle rolled up in one. Oh, I remember now. Right after CC Sabathia became Sandy Koufax. (Mitch Hammons)

In other news, the Yankees signed Prince and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to provide live pre-game music in the clubhouse. (Scott Ostler)

Last night’s studio audience was terrible. I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama says he’s going to get to the inauguration by train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water. (Craig Ferguson)

Apparently there are problems with the cell phone connections from Hawaii to Washington, D.C. President-elect Obama has called several times to President Bush recently asking the first thing he should do upon taking office. And all he hears is Bush saying, “Pardon me?” (Janice Hough)

President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, “You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.” (Jay Leno)

Gov. Blagojevich came out and said he hasn’t done anything wrong, and he isn’t guilty of anything. So that’s the second big snow job Chicago got over the weekend. (Jay Leno)

Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold. (David Letterman)

I was disappointed in some last-minute Christmas shopping. I went to Victoria’s Secret when they promised bras half off! (Steve Denny)

Another Christmas has come and gone. This time of year means exchanging gifts. Thursday you exchange them with relatives. Friday you exchange them with Macy’s. (Alan Ray)

President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit. True to form, each of the Big 3 automakers immediately invested that money with Bernie Madoff. (Jake Novak)

Mark Felt, identified as “Deep Throat” of Watergate fame has died at age 95. When Bill Clinton heard that “Deep Throat” had passed away, he said he didn’t even know Monica Lewinsky was sick. (Jim Barach)

Continue reading

MARY KISS MASS

Though I am a hard-headed atheist since the time the infant Rambodoc slipped mischievously from his Ma’s lap and hurt his little head, I have a soft spot for a little head. This soft spot includes celebrating religious holidays like Kiss Mass Day.

Today being accepted by broad consensus as such Day, I went out of my way to ‘enjaay‘ the holiday. To this end, I went into a multiplex armed with a fistful of tickets to a movie about cloning. The movie was called Ghajini. This was about a The Incredulous Hulk clone made into a movie that was cloned from a Tamil clone of an English/American movie.

Except that this desi Hulk does not seem to eat anything to justify his muscles. He just keeps getting whacked in the head, and this seems to stimulate as much Growth Hormone release as claimed by the various supplement companies who live in my Junk folder with the sole purpose of inducing me to buy their wares, to give an additional three inches to my manhood. To which temptation I have never succumbed even when the pickings were short in the lean seasons. If you can understand my tortured metaphors.

To get back to the movie, Aamir Khan’s muscles grow from his brains to his ears, after making a business class round-trip to his legs. When tears cloud his eyes, you can see 58 muscles twitching in tetanic fury. When he gets walloped from the back, you can see the haarmoans pumping up his delts and traps, and he swats mutant Ganjas like a gesticulating Amar Singh in Parliament while denying allegations of bribery. All in all, very impressive. I mean Amar Singh’s escaping those allegations, and more so his great contributions to the poor of the world. Like Bill Clinton.

One thing about this movie is that it seemed to attract all the gays in the city. The guy next to me (he was alone, and this is always a negative feature in a guy, according to my wife) was singing along with Aamir in the song sequences. There were some other (equally single) guys who stood up and clapped when Aamir came out of a BMW, as if they had been paid for that errand. So the general impression from the straight perspective was that “That guy is a gay. Imagine clapping for a guy! I can accept getting the clap from a girl, but this! Fagging gays!”

The morning show started around 10 in the morning, as promised (you know, there is a 10 PM show in the evening, too, but the movie guys took us in the morning, as they said they would). By the time the last punch had landed, Aamir Khan had put on around 300 lbs of lean muscle, and the sun outside had set. We had to make the most of the Great Holiday and left even as the last song was threatening to spill over on to dinner time, with the producers of the movie exhorting us not to leave, and to get every penny of the ticket price back with bonus decibel points. “Thanks so much, but we will be back for the sequel, whenever you find a suitable clone, that is”, we said, and took a much needed toilet break.

I then went down and bought groceries. I will soon drive a couple of hours till the next block where I will, with family pulling the leash, give a gift at a party, and rush back quickly in another two hours so that I can shut my eyes on another great, memorable day.

How was your Kiss Mass Day?

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-20-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Dubya finally found them, Loafers of Mass Destruction! Maybe now people will understand the dangers of missle toe. (Paul Benoit)

What basic pass-catching rule did Giants receiver Plaxico Burress violate when he shot himself in the leg? He didn’t account for the safety. (Dwight Perry)

To save the economy, we have American know-how. The economy is not getting better no-how. (Gil Stern)

A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors, or as we call it, Social Security. (Jay Leno)

One of the possible victims of hedge fund king Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scam is former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Of course, Spitzer is used to paying a lot just to get screwed. (Jake Novak)

Did you notice that, in just two months, the unemployment rate has reached 20 percent? But enough about NBA coaches. (Dwight Perry)

Snow closed the airport at Las Vegas. I guess OJ Simpson was right, he is going to prison when hell freezes over. (Alex Kaseberg)

And the Feds are thinking of another interest rate cut. If rates go much lower investors will get back less money than they put in. Of course, Americans already have that option, it’s called “Wall Street.” (Janice Hough)

You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. “Free shoes? You betcha!” (Craig Ferguson)

Caroline Kennedy’s wish to be appointed as the junior Senator from New York is causing some controversy. Apparently there is resistance to the idea of having someone get Hillary Clinton’s seat just because of the family name. Instead, they feel a more deserving choice would be Andrew Cuomo. (Janice Hough)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

An extra second will be added on at the end of the year so that we can stay in sync with atomic time. Wow, even the clocks need a bailout. (Tim Hunter)

Don’t you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt. (Jay Leno)

Wow, was it cold yesterday here in New York. I mean frigid. Ladies and gentlemen, it was so cold Plaxico Burress was packing two heaters in his pants. (Marc Ragovin)

Illinois Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday for trying to sell a seat in the Illinois Senate. He could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Conan O’Brien)

At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. (David Letterman)

Don’t you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they’ll give her all the money. (Jay Leno)

President-elect Obama says Governor Blagojevich should resign. Or, as Blagojevich would call it, “have a going out of business sale.” (Todd Long)

Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what, Illinois is getting a new governor. (David Letterman)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested and charged with trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by Barack Obama. The voters of Illinois are shocked. Thousands of them rolled over in their graves. (Patrick Gorse)

I’m trying to figure out what to buy my dad for Christmas. It’s between a subscription to Sports Illustrated or an Illinois Senate Seat. (Tim Hunter)

In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is lobbying for the role of Tinkerbell in a new Peter Pan movie. Is that a good idea? When Tinkerbell drinks the poison and Peter Pan pleads for everyone to believe in her to save her, I’m pretty sure Paris would be, well, screwed. (Alex Kaseberg)

O. J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day George W. Bush was sworn in as president. (Argus Hamilton)

You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.(David Letterman)

The White House Christmas tree has 25,000 lights on it. When they first turned it on, it had 26,000 lights. But Dick Cheney shot out a thousand of them. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

There’s been another legal effort to force state officials to produce a copy of Obama’s birth certificate. Apparently, some people believe he was born in Indonesia, which is ridiculous because we all know he was born in Jerusalem. (Pedro Bartes)

Continue reading