Category Archives: Iran

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-22-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. (Jay Leno)

So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)

So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women’s clothes? (Jay Leno)

President Bush is urging the American public to have patience with the economy. It’s taken him seven years to mess things up this much, so he needs a little more time to finish what he started. (Jim Barach)

President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we’ve made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can’t afford to lose any of that! (Jay Leno)

On pharmaceuticals being found in the water supplies of several cities: “Drug companies now want to charge a co-pay along with everyone’s monthly water bill. (Jim Barach)

The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take “In God We Trust” off the bill. The request came from God. (Jay Leno)

Colin Powell was presented with a birthday cake on the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. Candles in the shape of miniature rockets decorated the cake, and the plates bore photo reproductions of the slides he showed the U.N. proving there were weapons of mass destruction. Just as he was about to cut the cake it blew up in his face. (Scott Witt)

St. Paul, MINN — A bill is moving through the State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport mens rooms where they belong. (Bob Mills)

According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot. (Jay Leno)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Leap day, it comes every four years. But it really doesn’t mean anything. It’s like a Ralph Nader running for president, it doesn’t mean anything. (David Letterman)

Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. I don’t think Bush understands the concept of Daylight saving, because he encouraged Americans not to save but rather spend it. (Pedro Bartes)

I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet. (Bill Maher)

Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger. (Jay Leno)

Mary Carey graduated from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Wednesday. She was both a porno movie star and a California governor candidate. So her opinion carries weight when she says Hillary would photograph better if she were on top of the ticket. (Argus Hamilton)

I’m not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan’s reanimated corpse. I just didn’t want it to be John McCain’s reanimated corpse. (Stephen Colbert)

President Bush says it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans are all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes. (Argus Hamilton)

President George W. Bush commented on Sen. Hillary Clinton’s controversial “red phone” campaign ads at the White House today, telling reporters, “When that red phone rings, I just let it go straight to voicemail. If I answered the red phone every time it rang, I would never get any sleep.” (Andy Borowitz)

Renewed talk circulates about a Clinton-Obama ticket in the fall. Democrats feel they need a masculine voice to balance the team. And Obama brings some positives too. (Alan Ray)

Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It’s really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco’s house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won. (Argus Hamilton)

Some say that only the Democrats could screw up the opportunity they have to take the Presidency this coming November. But not many people realize that it only takes two of them to do it. (Norman Golan)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial. (Jay Leno)

According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes’ blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It’s not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said. (Argus Hamilton)

What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That’s the only one there. (Jay Leno)

Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another politician. He says it’s no big deal, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now, who will remember? (Jim Barach)

President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession. (Andy Borowitz)

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There’s no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it’s Dallas, what could happen? (Argus Hamilton)

Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of: John McCain. (Jay Leno)

Several states are investigating Bud and Miller Brewing for caffeinated alcohol products. Apparently the drinks keep you just awake enough to get in your car and drive while drunk. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-23-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that’s because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do. (Jay Leno)

So John McCain has now embraced the Bush tax cuts and voted against an anti-torture bill. He didn’t need Mitt Romney’s recent endorsement – he’s become Mitt Romney. (Janice Hough)

Four strands of George Washington’s hair sold for 17-grand at a Kentucky auction. There were rumors that his teeth were up for bidding. But they turned out to be false. (Alan Ray)

The Hallmark meat packing plant that caused the biggest meat recall in U.S. history may shut down. But its defenders say Hallmark lived up to the slogan, “When you care enough to send the very wurst.” (Scott Witt)

This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton made went to Harvard to pick up the Harvard Lampoon’s Woman of the Year trophy. This marks the first and only time the words “Paris Hilton went to Harvard” have ever been used. It was awkward when they tried to explain to Paris that the award was an example of irony, Paris said; “Like my maid totally does all of my ironing.” (Alex Kaseberg)

An 18 year old Utah woman won the title of best grocery bagger. She immediately got all kinds of proposals from guys who heard she was great in the sack. (Jim Barach)

University of Washington scientists have invented a tiny camera that you swallow so it can take interior pictures — such as inside a bile duct or fallopian tube. They’re not sure it’ll work in the intestines, however. That would be too much of a crap shoot. (Scott Witt)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

Carl Rove told an interviewer that “Years from now, people will thank God that Bush invaded Iraq.” Unfortunately, they’ll be kneeling on prayer rugs, adjusting their dynamite vests, and facing Mecca (Bob Mills)

Thousands of bats are reportedly dying from a mysterious illness in New York. Authorities say they have never seen so many listless bats in New York outside of Shea Stadium. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It is always surprising how astute some politicians can be in assessing the political climate. This can be best demonstrated by Newt Gingrich’s amazingly accurate public prediction several months ago that, “John McCain has as much chance of winning the Republican nomination as the Giants have of winning the Super Bowl.” (Gill Ross & Stan Kegel)

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn’t get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich. (Jay Leno)

The Westminster Dog Show is tonight. Did you know the most popular dog this election year is named for the candidates as well the election? It’s the combination Bullmastif and Shih Tzu, that’s right: the Bull Shih Tzu. (Alex Kaseberg)

Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful. (Jay Leno)

Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens testified in a Congressional hearing today on his alleged use of steroids. He stated, “No one gave me shots anywhere on my body — no ifs, no ands, no butts.” (Jim Ertner)

Valentine’s Day chocolates are like congressmen — smooth outside, nuts inside. (Joe Hickman)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton (Pedro Bartes)

Shaquille O’Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O’Neal’s arrival in Phoenix with Valentine’s Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month. (Argus Hamilton)

Ron Paul says Republicans are acting “Too much like Democrats”. Which means they are actually starting to lose elections. (Jim Barach)

The US is preparing to shoot down one of its own satellites that is falling to Earth. When will this shot be heard around the world? I guess we’ll have to wait and read about it in the newspaper’s orbit-uary page. (Gary Hallock)

According to a British Tabloid, Heather Mills cheated on Paul McCartney for six month with a secret lover. Apparently, Heather had a leg on both relationships. (Pedro Bartes)

Man it is cold back East. It was so cold in Washington, Roger Clemens had to lie to congress about never having injected anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-09-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Today is the start of the Year of the Rat in the Chinese calendar. Congratulations to all the members of congress! (Pedro Bartes)

Once again there’s talk of printing political ads on toilet paper, but it won’t work because most Republicans can’t read and most Democrats don’t use toilet paper. (Scott Witt)

President Bush has become the first president to post his federal budget online and not print it. You can check it at http://www.WeAreAllScrewed.com. (Pedro Bartes)

Eli Manning led New York to Super Bowl victory Sunday a year after his brother Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for Indianapolis. The money is going to roll in now. By next week Archie Manning will be commanding higher stud fees than Secretariat. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says he has a lot in common with Ronald Reagan, mainly the Alzheimer. (Pedro Bartes)

Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy. (David Letterman)

A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures…. They’re not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want. (Jay Leno)

The New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated Tom Brady and the New England Patriots by winning Super Bowl XLII. Brady was later consoled by his supermodel girlfriend, who assured him that “this happens to lots of guys.” (Jake Novak)

Both the Republicans and the Democrats have competing growth packages. Let me tell you something, the only person with a growth package in this country that works — Barry Bonds. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is counting on carrying big cities where political machines prevail, expecting to get the dead man vote because he feels so close to them. (Scott Witt)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-02-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“60 Minutes” says Saddam Hussein faked having WMD to prevent an invasion from Iran. Well, he sure showed them. (Jim Barach)

Fox says they will not carry political ads during the Super Bowl telecast. The network says political ads should stay where they belong. Disguised as news stories on the Fox News Channel. (Jim Barach)

Exit polls showed that Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn’t cause any tension in their marriage. (Jay Leno)

President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It’s called “The Check Is In The Mail.” (Jay Leno)

There are rumors several writers might have crossed the picket line and started working again. The union suspects that only professional fiction writers could’ve written Bush’s last state of the union address. (Pedro Bartes)

Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life. (Jay Leno)

President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In our last year’s State of the Union speech, President Bush said, “The economy is on the move.” This year he said, “Where’d it go?” (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney … is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, “I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.” (Bill Maher)

The Herbal Nutrition Center in Los Angeles unveiled the world’s first marijuana vending machine Tuesday, which dispenses pot in an envelope after scanning the customer’s fingerprints and ID card. It’s controversial. This clearly discriminates against illegal immigrants in Los Angeles public schools. (Argus Hamilton)

Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, ‘the love seat’ (David Letterman)

Brijit.com is a new website that will condense magazine articles into a single paragraph for those who don’t have the time to read them in full. It was the idea of a guy who used to work at the White House removing the big words from Bush’s intelligence reports. (Bob Mills)

Have you heard this story? They’re trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don’t we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? ‘Crook,’ ‘liar,’ ‘adulterer,’ ‘pinhead,’ ‘moron,’ these are all gender-neutral. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the GOP presidential race Wednesday and no one can explain his lack of Republican support. It couldn’t be his Catholicism. With a trophy wife, gay friends, a pro-choice stance and warlike nature, he’s an Episcopalian in all but name. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman Steve Wexler collected two hundred thousand signatures Friday calling for impeachment hearings. It’s too late. We engaged in pre-emptive war, torture, kidnapping and illegal wiretapping, and history will show the only one who went to jail was Kiefer Sutherland. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-26-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody’s crazy about this. Don’t worry. George W. Bush says he’s got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn’t work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face. (David Letterman)

Once again there’s talk of printing political ads on toilet paper, but it won’t work because most Republicans can’t read and most Democrats don’t use toilet paper. (Scott Witt)

Osama bin Laden’s son announced today that he wants to be a peace activist. Talk about rebelling against your parents! (Craig Ferguson)

New research shows that flu germs can be transmitted via paper money. Fortunately for everybody, we have an administration that is doing anything they can to fight the flu by spreading poverty. (Pedro Bartes)

In response to a plummeting stock market, record unemployment and home mortgage foreclosures, spiraling gas prices and a sinking dollar, Bush predicts things will be “just fine” if Congress approves his $150 billion “stimulus package” which will provide taxpayer relief and a tax incentives for business investment. Pardon me, but isn’t this a little like the captain of the Titanic offering the passengers free swimming lessons? (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Logan and Britney Spears have been going out together every night to party. Actually it’s even worse than it sounds because Lindsay Lohan is their designated driver. (Conan O’Brien)

Oprah Winfrey is getting her own television network. It will be called OWN. The name comes from Oprah’s goal to own the entire country by 2012. (Jim Barach)

A right wing Christian evangelical group claims that Heath Ledger is now burning in hell for eternity for playing a homosexual in ‘Broke Back Mountain’ and is threatening to picket the Oscars to dramatize their moral disgust over film industry praise for the young actor. The pulpit pounders have also condemned Susanne Pleshette for playing Bob Newhart’s wife while everyone knew he was already married. (Bob Mills)

Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don’t really count. (Jay Leno)

A study in England says that children universally dislike clowns. However, millions of Americans usually vote for one every four years. (Jim Barach)

John McCain is counting on carrying big cities where political machines prevail, expecting to get the dead man vote because he feels so close to them. (Scott Witt)

Hillary and Bill Clinton’s attacks against Barack Obama are getting fiercer by the day, leading Americans to believe the best way to defeat the terrorism is to somehow convince Mrs. Clinton that al Qaeda is running against her in a primary. (Jake Novak)

During a service to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in Harlem, Bill Clinton was caught nodding off. He claimed later that like MLK he was also having a dream, but his involved, thongs, cigars and chubby interns. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet?… It’s kind of sad. The only thing standing between Fred and the White House — the American people. (Jay Leno)

Cuba held parliamentary elections throughout the island Sunday. There was only one name on the ballot in each district and no campaigning allowed. For the forty-ninth year Fidel Castro was unanimously elected president by a vote of one to nothing. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg met with Ross Perot’s former campaign manager. What’s his next move, a meeting with Ralph Nader’s wardrobe consultant? (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-05-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Iowa Caucuses are held tomorrow after a hard-fought campaign. Hollywood is watching very closely. When the Los Angeles Times headlined Monday that Hillary was in a three-way with Obama and Edwards, everyone here figured that turnabout is fair play. (Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal had a hat trick in a recent Heat game. He had a dunk, a blocked shot and an air ball from the free-throw line. (Dan Daly, Washington Times

On Russian President Vladimir Putin being chosen as Time magazine’s Person of the Year: Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who had no regard for civil rights, Gore said, “Been there, done that.” (Jim Barach)

Rudy Giuliani has decided to bypass Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, and put all his chips on the primary in Florida. Giuliani’s campaign must be in critical condition to opt for a triple bypass. (Patrick Gorse)

The Census Bureau says the U.S. will reach 303 million on January 1st. There will be a welcoming committee with prizes awaiting the landmark American as soon as they come across the border. (Jim Barach)

2008 predictions – February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping. (Andy Borowitz)

Contest officials in Texas disqualified a six-year old from winning a free trip to New York City to attend a Hanna Montana concert after her mom admitted helping the youngster write an essay claiming her dad was a casualty in Iraq. All is not lost, however. The girl has been hired to play a fake disaster victim at FEMA press conferences. (Bob Mills)

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Lirty Dies: 2007 in Review

This is Hilarious if you like Spoonerisms

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-22-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The major issues in the upcoming presidential primaries is now clear. For the Democratic candidates, it is who has the support of the best entertainment celebrity, while for the Republicans, it is who has the support of God. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush said Monday the U. S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war against recession. Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children. (Joe Hickman)

‘Tis the season for Middle East peace talks. Unfortunately, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable. (Joe Hickman)

If I had to sum up our overly-entitled and lowered-standards society in one sentence it would be: Madonna is being inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It’s unprecedented. It’s the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Lieberman has endorsed John McCain for president. Of course, the Connecticut senator is from a different faith than others in Washington. He is bipartisan. (Alan Ray)

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Paris-Hilton-sex-video-partner Rick Salomon, two months after tying the knot. Gosh, if those two down-to-earth, stable kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have? (Alex Kaseberg)

Lynne Spears, Britney & Jamie Lee’s mother, had her book on parenting put on hold. The publisher decided it would be a safer bet to go with Lindsay Lohan’s book on safe driving. (Alex Kaseberg)

Die-hard Dallas Cowboy fans are blaming Tony Romo’s poor performance in their 10-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Romo’s squeeze, Jessica Simpson. That is silly. The only way Jessica could lose a game for the Cowboys was if Jessica tallied-up the official score. Let’s face it, if having wild sex with a hot blonde made you play really lousy football, than that would mean the Oakland Raiders are dating Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It’s ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they’ve got the upper hand in the strike talks. (Argus Hamilton)

American men are named the fourth-worst lovers in the world. Mostly because we still prefer to make war not love. (Pedro Bartes)

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