Category Archives: Iraq

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The trouble with the economy is that we’re operating in the red while hoping to get money out of the blue. (Gil Stern)

I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high. (David Letterman)

If we learn anything from the current confirmation hearings, it is that we could significantly reduce the national debt by routine audits of senators, congressmen and other elected officials. And why not add CEOs and other executives of major corporations to that list? (Stan Kegel)

Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high ranked politicians have a brother than taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy, and Jeb his brother George (Pedro Bartes)

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)

You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. (Craig Ferguson)

According to a CNN survey, almost 50% of office romances lead to marriage. The other 50% lead to job promotions. (Pedro Bartes)

Beleaguered Citigroup, which had secured the naming rights to the Mets’ new ballpark for the next 20 years, is reportedly thinking about backing out of the deal. Assuming there’s no penalty for early withdrawal. (Dwight Perry)

US Airways is now charging $7 for a pillow. That’s sort of high considering they get their goose feathers for free. (Norm M)

Mothballed basketballer Stephon Marbury hasn’t played a minute for the Knicks this season but is still collecting his $21.9 million salary — or nearly as much as Serena Williams, the highest-paid women’s athlete in history, has made in her entire career. Just think,Serena plays tennis, but Stephon has the bigger racket. (Dan Daly)

Republican Senator Jim DeMint says the White House will “create crisis” and “panic” to push President Obama’s stimulus bill. DeMint says creating crisis and panic should only be used in order to start a war. (Jim Barach)

Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds. To which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.” (Jay Leno)

Nancy Killefer withdrew her nomination to the Obama administration because of tax problems. Running from a job over taxes — in Washington this is becoming known as the 100-yard Daschle. (Doug Austen)

A California woman who already had six kids gave birth to octuplets after taking fertility treatments. Fertility treatments for someone with six children? Isn’t that like giving a laxative to someone who has just eaten at Taco Bell? (Jim Barach)

A Florida couple paid $155,000 for a clone of their dog that died. Those people need to be spayed and neutered. (Bob Barker)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08

Warning: Mega Post!

Part 1: THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Barack Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year old first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. (PNN News)

John McCain’s vice president choice, Sarah Palin, is an avid hunter. Let’s see — a vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong there? (David Letterman)

Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do. (Jay Leno)

Democrats are bashing Sarah Palin’s speech because it was penned by one of President Bush’s speechwriters. Yeah but this time, he didn’t have to spell it out phonetically. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama was criticized by Republicans for the stage he used for his acceptance speech. it was modeled after an ancient Greek Temple. John McCain said “I knew Plato, and Barack Obama is no Plato.” (Jim Barach)

Today, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. They’re the organization of gay Republicans. McCain and the Log Cabin Republicans agree on one thing: They both want to distance themselves from Bush. (Craig Ferguson)

According to Fashion Magazines, Cindy McCain’s outfit at the GOP convention was worth almost $300,000. To be fair, Hillary once had a dress that was worth way more than that, actually, after getting stained. (Pedro Bartes)

People need not worry that Sarah Palin’s duties as vice president will conflict with her family obligations. The law covers such circumstances. Immediately after being sworn in, she can return to Alaska under the Family and Medical Leave Act. (Scott Witt)

And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She’s got a four-month-old of her own, she’s about to become a grandmother, and she’s partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Citing the success of the new Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series, Simon and Schuster today announced the publication of the new Horatio Alger, Jr. series. The initial book to be released November 5th is “From PTA President to Vice President of the United States in Four Years: An American Success Story” (Stan Kegel)

An early survey shows that only 39% of the people feel than John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin is qualified to be President. What’s sad about that is that only 29% feel that way about President Bush. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-12-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. (Jay Leno)

For the first time in American history, Congress’s approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don’t know how bad that is – the oil companies are at 12%. (Jay Leno)

This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages. (Jay Leno)

A man in Kentucky paid for sexual favors with a $100 gas card. Nowadays that is the only way to go all-around-the-world with a $100 gas card. (Pedro Bartes)

The U.S. is issuing the first coins with readable Braille. The writing will be on a silver dollar, the only coin with no practical use unless you are near a slot machine. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it’s not true. In fact his exact words were “I did not have textual relations with that woman.” (Jay Leno)

John Kerry is now criticizing John McCain. Kerry says McCain does not have the judgment to be president. I don’t think that’s true, I mean McCain had the good judgment not to accept Kerry’s offer to be his running mate in 2004. That shows pretty good judgment right there! (Jay Leno)

Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I’ve got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don’t know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. That’s what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News. (Conan O’Brien)

I don’t think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain’s Medicare. (Jay Leno)

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for trading sex for gasoline. Didn’t that used to be called “hitchhiking”? (Jim Barach)

President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson’s estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia. (Argus Hamilton)

And here’s a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That’s what he said, stupid thing, that’s what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate. (Jay Leno)

The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they’re so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-14-08

Complied by Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush on Thursday strongly disagreed with a Supreme Court ruling that clears foreign terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay to challenge their detention in U. S. civilian courts. Bush did not threaten to bomb the Supreme Court, but did indicate all options are on the table. (Joe Hickman)

On the Supreme Court decision that Habius Corpus rights are guaranteed by the constitution even to foreign nationals: “This is insane. Heartless terrorists will now get to have their cases heard in American Federal Courts, which are chock full of liberal activist judges who will set them free and give them money to buy more IED’s and bomb vests. Then we’ll all have to gay marry.” (Rep. R.Winger)

Political pundit James Carville says that Barack Obama should select Al Gore as his vice president. Obama responded, “He’s not on my short list, but he is on my fat list.” (Patrick Gorse)

John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a man on Mars – preferably President Bush. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, another defeat for President Bush today. It seems that the Supreme Court ruled that detainees at Guantanamo Bay can file legal challenges to their detention. President Bush is very bitter about this. He said he may have lost, but it was a deeply divided Court that voted 5-4. It was 5-4. You know, the same vote that made him president — 5-4. (Jay Leno)

But I thought Hillary was very gracious. She gave a terrific speech. She was very gracious to Barack Obama in her speech. Gave him her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes. Did you see that? Well, imagine, beautiful, fresh tomatoes. (Jay Leno)

The New York Times is reporting that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list, an enemies list of all of the people who are considered Clinton traitors. And ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each others’ lists. (Jay Leno)

You know, I’ll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better. (Jay Leno)

The New York Daily News revealed Monday Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. It’s obvious looking back at the game tapes. Every other pitcher talking to the catcher uses the baseball glove to cover his mouth. (Argus Hamilton)

The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn’s public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn’t behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge. (Argus Hamilton)

An American military computer set a record by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The government will now use it to calculate the price of gas and our debt with China. (Pedro Bartes)

TRIVIA QUESTION OF THE WEEK

President Bush is negotiating an agreement to keep U.S. troops in Iraq for the long term. Who supports this idea in Iraq?
a) Shiites.
b) Sunnis.
c) Kurds.
d) None of the above.
Hint: Never mind that, it’s for their own good. (IronicTimes.com)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-31-08

Compiled by Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

When speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, “It is time to take back the country.” The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles is planning to recycle and reuse waste water. That means that when your dog drinks out of the toilet, he’s just cutting out the middle man. (Jim Barach)

According to NASA reports, the international space station’s lone toilet is broken. “Who’s crazy now?” said Lisa Nowak, the astronaut famous for wearing diapers. (Pedro Bartes)

Senator Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for president Monday. He once belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. You would be in the nuthouse today if five years ago you had told anybody that Jeremiah Wright and Robert Byrd would be backing the same candidate. (Argus Hamilton)

Sharon Stone is in hot water for saying China’s earthquake was due to bad karma from mistreating Tibet; this brilliant political and spiritual insight is brought to you by an actress most famous for forgetting her underwear and forgetting to cross her legs. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Jerusalem Post says that President Bush has a plan to attack Iran before he leaves the White House. The news came with shock and disbelief. No one can believe President Bush would actually take military action with a plan. (Jim Barach)

SCOTT McCLENNAN

In his new book, former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan says he was left out in the dark. You know what, Scott? Us too. But you were standing next to the light switch. (Will Durst)

In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. President Bush is expected to react as soon as the book editors release the tape version of the book. (Pedro Bartes)

When asked if he is telling the truth now or was telling the truth when he gave a different story before he was fired as presidential news secretary, Scott McClellan said “Both.” (Scott Witt)

The White House reportedly is puzzled over ex-aide’s Scott McClellan’s scathing book. McClellan’s mom is the famous “One Tough Texas Grandma” Carole Keeton McClellan Strayhorn Rylander. Scott’s probably still upset Bush never tried to marry his mom. (Joe Hickman).

In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. No wonder the Bush administration hired Dana Perino to replace McClellan, they wanted someone that can barely write. (Pedro Bartes)

During a Tuesday speech, presidential candidate John McCain said that the United States is still a very a young country. Unfortunately, after 8 years of Bush, the country is in desperate need of some botox. (Pedro Bartes)

After the release of former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s book which slams the Bush administration and the president, the media repeatedly showed an old video where Bush said he’s going to spend his final days in Texas in rocking chairs next to McClellan. We all know now McClellan’s chair in Texas won’t be necessarily a rocking chair but an electric one. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

I don’t know if Barack Obama’s getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that’s what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, “Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama vowed his support for universal health care in America Monday. He admitted that private medical insurers will be reluctant to part with their high profit. Some HMO’s are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion. (Argus Hamilton)

(McCain’s) buttocks are unremarkable except for some very light tan freckling. (John McCain’s oncologist, Dr. Suzanne Connolly of the Mayo Clinic, according to his medical records)

Hillary Clinton has almost no mathematical chance for the nomination, and almost no time left to catch up. Yet she still insists she will win. I guess she really did grow up a Cubs fan. (Janice Hough)

John McCain released 12,000 pages of medical records that only covered the last eight years. And John McCain’s mom is 96-years-old. That’s what’s killing the rain forests — the McCain family medical records. (Patrick Gorse)

During a speech in South Dakota, former President Bill Clinton delivered a harsh critique of how his wife has been treated during her presidential bid, telling the crowd that he has “never seen a candidate treated so disrespectfully.” His comments are valid because if there’s anyone who knows about mistreating Hillary, it’s Bill. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she will carry her fight for Florida and Michigan delegates to the convention. Picture a riot on the floor between sexually abandoned older women and hillbillies going at it with nubile coeds and black militants. If Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer ever did a show together it would look just like this. (Argus Hamilton)

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn says that Barack Obama would make a “terrible” President. To which most Americans say would still put him about three levels above President Bush. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton begged super-delegates for their convention votes Monday. They are elected officials and party elders who are given enough convention votes to overturn an elected nominee. Years ago a small group of well-connected politicians would determine the party nominee in a smoke-filled room and today there’s no smoking. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton danced for a few seconds to an Enrique Iglesias’ song while campaigning in Puerto Rico. She later said she was tempted to sing the song, but didn’t because you know what happens when the fat lady sings. (Pedro Bartes)

On Cindy McCain releasing her income tax return from 2006, which showed she made $6 million for the year: Fortunately, she was able to save a lot in taxes with that deduction she can take for having an elderly dependent. (Jim Barach)

Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word ‘baruch,’ which means one who’s blessed. That’s what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there. (Conan O’Brien)

Of course, a lot of people now are starting to talk about who Barack Obama will choose as his running mate. Time magazine says that former President Bill Clinton is pushing very hard for Barack Obama to choose Hillary as his vice president. Yeah, Bill says Hillary would be a great vice president, or a great ambassador to any country that’s far, far away. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, “Chapter One.” (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton is comparing the delegates of Florida and Michigan to the Civil Rights Movement, saying democracy is being diminished. Actually, compared to Florida and the 2000 election, this is a step in the right direction. (Jim Barach)

Speaking of McCain’s medical records, John McCain’s doctor says that McCain’s service in the Vietnam War is unlikely to have any affect on his health. I think that’s great. Yeah. However, the doctor says that McCain’s health might be affected by his service in the Civil War. A slight musket wound in the toe. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain today made public his medical records. It was a huge document, almost 1,200 pages long. More than 84 pages on his ear hair alone. I guess somebody went through it. He’s in great shape. Doctors say he could potentially live all the way through 2010. So that’s good news. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever. $18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out. (Jay Leno)

I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. They stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration? (Jay Leno)

McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he’s healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God! (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush said Tuesday he feels upbeat for the economy, which he thinks is starting to get better. It was another of Bush’s grammatical mistakes, instead of upbeat for the economy, he probably meant beat up by the economy. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush reportedly is pushing for an attack on Iran before he leaves the Oval Office. Some folks think that’s insane. In Texas, it’s just good ole boy take no prisoners never stop and think Republican. Personally, I think he should do it. And take Cheney with him. They’d almost be guaranteed the title Persian Comedy Duo of the Decade. (Joe Hickman)

According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he’s been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he’s dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. Two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire. (Jay Leno)

FEMA told emergency trailer park residents to leave and find housing by Sunday so they can get the trailers out of Louisiana before hurricane season. There are also legal reasons. Black people living inside trailer parks is a violation of redneck copyright. (Argus Hamilton)

The Interior Department put polar bears on the endangered species list because their sea-ice habitat is melting. However, it added that nothing done to protect the bears can harm the U.S. economy. No one wants to say the economy is endangered, but we will be feeding our children to these polar bears if food gets any more expensive. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig is writing a tell-all book about his restroom scandal. Hopefully, is not a pop-up book. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress gave out billions to farmers Wednesday by passing the farm bill. Life is good on the prairie. If you think Big Brown commands high stud fees, polygamists in Texas are getting three hundred dollars a child from the president’s stimulus package. (Argus Hamilton)

The House of Representatives has passed a bill to sue OPEC for high oil prices. That beats the old strategy of military invasion. That’s what happens when you elect a bunch of lawyers to solve a problem. (Jim Barach)

Congress vowed Monday to delay a big arms sale to Saudi Arabia to try to force them to increase oil production. Arms dealers have an irresistible sales pitch to countries in the Middle East. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

New York state has decided to recognize gay marriages, as long as they are performed elsewhere. The policy will simultaneously boost the state tax revenue while also cutting its exposure to tacky centerpieces and gawdy ice sculptures. (Jake Novak)

California may levy a porn tax to make up for its budget shortfall. California is taking it easy on industries that have gone green, but are now going to crack down on the ones that go blue. (Jim Barach)

California will offer marriage licenses to same sex couples in June. The news has already had an impact on the economy. The gift registry at Bath and Body Works is completely full. (Alan Ray)

California is rewriting its marriage forms to accommodate now legal gay marriages. Instead of saying “bride” and “groom”, the forms say “pitcher” and “catcher”. (Jim Barach)

Sacramento, CA — A bill that will impose stricter controls on plastic surgery is expected to sail through the legislature. After several high priced Beverly Hills dermatologists were caught extracting Botox from cattle previously rejected by McDonald’s. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

An ancient water main dating back to 1844 broke open in Greenwich Village, New York, shooting water high into the air and flooding the streets. Several Greenwich Village residents said it was their first shower since 1844. (Patrick Gorse)

Concord, NH — A new law makes urinating in public punishable by a $1000 fine and/or six months in jail or both. Wow. From now on, if you decide to write your name in the snow, you’d better use a Super Soaker. (Bob Mills)

Muscatine, IOWA — Librarians at the Musser Library, Betty Collins and Tina Miksch, have challenged local teens to read more by promising to eat bugs if they can complete 15,000 books by summer’s end. Every year they come up with a new incentive. Last year they vowed not to shave. (Bob Mills)

Hilo, HI — The city council rejected a plan to search for marijuana plants by using a low-flying helicopter, concluding that it would be too intrusive on homeowners. Also, it would be cheaper to just hire Cheech and Chong. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A male nurse in Miami was arrested by the police after he performed oral sex on a patient while the patient was waking up from the anesthesia. Apparently, the patient is extremely upset because he doesn’t know if his health insurance is going to cover him for that (Pedro Bartes)

Parchman, MISS — Chris Epps, State Commissioner of Corrections says the recent resumption of executions “has provided closure for the victims’ families and reduced the expense of housing condemned prisoners.” And don’t forget, Chris, it also helps reduce global warming by eliminating two carbon footprints. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

US Ambassador Ryan Crocker told reporters that “Al-Qaida has never been closer to defeat than they are now.” Bush is scrambling to find his “Mission Accomplished” sign that was somehow misplaced after FEMA borrowed it. (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

An energy expert predicts that gasoline could eventually climb to $12 a gallon. He was immediately hired by ExxonMobil as a marketing consultant. (Jim Barach)

The chairman of Shell oil told the Senate that the high oil prices are simply a matter of supply and demand at work. The Oil companies supply the oil and then they demand it costs a fortune. (Pedro Bartes)

High gas prices are pushing more people onto buses and subways, straining transit agencies, infrastructure, and the nation’s supplies of deodorant. (Jake Novak)

NASA & SPACE

The Phoenix Mars lander will land on the red planet’s northern pole Sunday and begin searching for signs of life. It’s an administration pet project. Republicans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA’s Phoenix Lander successfully touched down on Mars over the weekend; traveling 422 million miles looking for signs of life and gas under $3 a gallon. (Jake Novak)

NASA rushed to fit plumbing parts into the cargo hold of the space shuttle Discovery, which takes off Saturday, because the toilet on the International Space Station is broken. The cost is enormous. Everybody knows that plumbers charge extra on Saturdays. (Argus Hamilton)

A NASA spacecraft plunged into the atmosphere of Mars and successfully landed in the Red Planet’s northern polar region on Sunday. The Bush administration was ecstatic as Mars is now probably the only red state left in the universe. (Pedro Bartes)

Maybe you heard. There’s now a broken toilet on the International Space Station. The co-op nations are checking now to see if they can afford the best — Bubba Braindead, Space Plumber. He charges a billion dollars a day — plus mileage. A subsidiary of Halliburton. Otherwise, they’ll just send back up the Russian cosmonaut with the wrench, Major Boris Plungerski. (Joe Hickman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Formula One president Max Mosley must face a disciplinary board in Paris next week. He was videotaped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazi soldiers. When he heard he was going before a disciplinary board he asked if they take traveler’s checks. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was urged to resign Wednesday after a New York businessman testified he gave him sacks of cash, free hotel rooms and free plane flights. That kind of misconduct in office isn’t tolerated in America. It’s re-elected. (Argus Hamilton)

A New York businessman has admitted to giving Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert $150,000 in cash. It’s the most money any New Yorker has ever given an Israeli without at least getting some pirated electronic equipment or a cell phone in return. (Jake Novak)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Nepal said Monday a record number of people scaled Mt. Everest this month. They were picking up their cars. People everywhere have figured out that the best way to beat the high cost of gasoline is to ship your car to Mt. Everest, then steer downhill. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

“Maxim” magazine says the average man burns 125 calories having sex for one hour. According to Calories Per Hour.com, the average man burns 125 calories sitting in church for an hour. If you’re burning the same calories in church and having sex, you better pray you get better at sex. (Alex Kaseberg)

More than 500 TV and movie writers have joined with AARP to embed subtle messages in their scripts that will promote good health practices in light of the ever-growing population of Americans who lack health insurance. They’ll offer tips on topics like how to find a good substance abuse rehab center, avoiding street drugs whose origins and purity are unknown, secrets of hosting a successful Botox party and recommendations on the safest tattoo parlors. (Bob Mills)

The Department of Health reported the percentage of overweight kids in America decreased for the first time in a quarter century. Four dollars per gallon was the key. Parents are now starving their children just to get better gas mileage in the SUV. (Argus Hamilton)

A woman came back to life 17 hours after doctors thought she was dead. Then she said she won’t die until the votes in Florida and Michigan are counted. (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

An environmental court judge ruled that water released from the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Plant into the Connecticut River may be harmful to migrating Atlantic salmon and American shad. Not to mention Americans. (Bob Mills)

Ebensburg, PA — The Amish community is under investigation of their method of handling outhouse waste by collecting it in plastic buckets and spreading it over nearby cornfields. I know what you’re thinking. Are they supposed to be using anything made of plastic? (Bob Mills)

SPORTS

Danica Patrick had to be restrained from attacking, Ryan Briscoe, who knocked Patrick out of the Indianapolis 500 while coming out of the pit. That could have been a rough day for Briscoe, first crashing a woman out of the race and then getting beaten up by a 5ft, 98 pound hot brunette babe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Major League Baseball is planning to use instant replay. Apparently it will help detect if there are any needles hanging off the backside of a player when he hits a 500 foot home run. (Jim Barach)

The Atlanta Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan Thursday. That settles the future quarterback question. All Michael Vick can do is watch the Democratic presidential primaries from prison and wonder what the hell is wrong with dogfighting. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball is planning to experiment with instant replay. Just when you thought there was no way a baseball game could possibly take any longer to play. (Jim Barach)

UPS set up a charity in honor of Kentucky Derby filly Eight Belles. That’s the filly that was put down after finishing second. Hillary Clinton just asked all her supporters to go to NinthBelle.com and donate to her campaign before it’s too late. (Argus Hamilton)

St. Paul’s minor league baseball team announced it will give Larry Craig Bobble-Foot Dolls to fans next week, with doll-sized toilet stalls sold separately. That’s just not right. It’s the senators that are for sale, the toilets have always been free. (Argus Hamilton)

The Indianapolis 500 boasted its deepest field of superstar drivers in history on Memorial Day following the recent American open-field merger. The race did make one concession to the skyrocketing price of gasoline. They put two drivers in each car. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is tops at the box office. Critics say it has a typical Hollywood ending – producers make off with millions from an over-hyped sequel. (Alan Ray)

The new Indiana Jones movie is tops at the box office. This archaeologist/adventurer digs ups some ancient relics. John McCain’s medical records. (Alan Ray)

Russia’s Communist Party has denounced Indiana Jones. They don’t like the way the film portrays communists as evil and ruthless. They paid a lot of money to infiltrate Hollywood to make sure every evil and ruthless villain is a capitalist. (Argus Hamilton)

Communist Party officials are calling for a worldwide boycott of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” because it “undermines the Communist ideology and distorts history.” They particularly disapprove of the scene where Indiana tries to defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis by seducing Mrs. Khrushev. (Bob Mills)

NBC’s Law and Order aired an episode on Tuesday about a New York governor who’s found to be a client of a Manhattan call girl ring. However, this is television. The whore-mongering governor doesn’t go to jail, he gets spun off into his own series. (Argus Hamilton)

Richard Dreyfuss has been picked to play Dick Cheney in the upcoming Oliver Stone movie about George W. Bush. Apparently he took his inspiration for the role from the shark he worked with in “Jaws”. (Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

NBC published a paperback book called To Catch a Predator to capitalize on the popularity of the NBC Dateline show hosted by Chris Hansen. It’s no secret why the show is so tremendously popular. To Catch a Predator is American Idol for pedophiles. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Another sex video of Paris Hilton has surfaced this time it shows Paris having sex in a bathtub; you think that’s wild? The bathtub is in a Home Depot show room display. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ellen DeGeneres continues to make fun of President Bush and John McCain for their opposition to gay marriage. This is apparently her way of trying to forget that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton oppose it too. (Jake Novak)

Steven Spielberg’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did huge box office Wednesday. He’s got the touch. Steven Spielberg once had a kidney stone removed at Cedars Sinai Hospital and it made sixty million dollars its first week out. (Argus Hamilton)

In response to Sharon Stone saying the recent Sichuan earthquake was “Karma” for China’s treatment of Tibet, Beijing is banning her movies in all theaters, thus joining Hollywood’s banning of Sharon Stone which began about 10 years ago. (Jake Novak)

Aerosmith star Steven Tyler says he has checked into a rehab facility in search of a “safe environment” to recover from foot problems. So apparently it’s his foot that’s addicted to heroin and cocaine. (Jake Novak)

Google founder Larry Page says a Microsoft takeover of Yahoo would stifle competition. To which Bill Gates replied “What’s competition?” (Jim Barach)

A California judge has ruled that Britney Spears is not yet mentally fit enough to appear in court for her probate case, to which her attorney has responded, “Hey she’s never been mentally fit enough to record an album either, but that’s never stopped her!” (Jake Novak)

As with Charles Barkley’s $400,000 bill, Dallas Cowboy troublemaker Pacman Jones barely missed criminal charges by paying an overdue Las Vegas Casino gambling debt for $20,000. These pampered athletes are handed loans of tens and – in Barkley’s case – hundreds of thousands of dollars and if they lose, they think they can just walk away. Who do they think they are, Hillary Clinton? (Alex Kaseberg)

Pete Wentz of “Fallout Boy” married Ashley Simpson. It was a touching ceremony, the couple lip-synched their own vows. (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

Bush delivered the commencement address at the Air Force Academy, congratulating the cadets for their proud achievement. Then he placed them on full alert to prepare to supply air support of a preemptory strike on Scott McClellan. (Bob Mills)

Little Rock, ARK — Governor Beebe has ordered all state colleges and universities to reject enrollment applications filed by illegal immigrants. The gov figures that if they get too smart, they’ll turn down the dishwasher and busboy jobs at his country club, “Good Ol’ Boys Golf, Tennis and ‘Coon Hunting.” (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

The Gutenberg Bible goes on display at New York’s Morgan Library today where the public is invited to see the six hundred year old book. The Bible was the first printed work in the world. Even then publishers wouldn’t take a chance on a new author. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Modern Bride advertised a men’s watch that buzzes every year, a week before the wedding anniversary. There’s a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It’s small, it’s personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

The San Francisco Wax Museum removed Barry Bonds’s statue Tuesday. His murals and home-run markers and locker have been removed from the Giants’ ballpark. He could have murdered Jeff Kent at second base and there would be no evidence he was ever in town. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Airlines have announced that the new $15 charge for each checked bag will be refunded if the luggage is lost and if customers file a claim form that doesn’t get lost. (Scott Witt)

HOLIDAYS

President Bush spoke to the media on Memorial Day and said that as a sacrifice for the fallen soldiers he’s willing to give up reading. (Pedro Bartes)

Memorial Day was observed nationwide on Monday as Americans attempted to enjoy themselves the best they could. It was a challenge to hold backyard barbecues and picnics. Lighter fluid is so expensive that arsonists are booked up through Labor Day. (Argus Hamilton)

I had a busy Memorial Day. First, I went to the parade, and the sight of all that patriotism made me feel good about the shape the country’s in. Then I went to the beach, and the sight of all those bodies made me feel bad about the shape the country’s in. (Joe Hickman)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a survey: 47% of pet owners believe their pets will go to heaven when they die. Heaven is actually a fun place for dogs. A halo can be used as a Frisbee. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-12-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I should be excited because this is a historic night for television. Earlier tonight, all three — I don’t think this has ever happened before — all three presidential candidates appeared on “American Idol.” That’s true, yeah. It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, “Wait, there’s a black guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!” (Conan O’Brien)

Taxes are due next week. We all hate paying taxes, but without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A new survey confirms that the Bible is America’s favorite book, especially among politicians who are killing time at motels waiting for their escorts to arrive. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress learned Tuesday that government workers charged tailor-made suits, Internet dating, lingerie and dinners to their government credit cards. The timing is no accident. It’s a clever ploy to take everyone’s mind off the money we’re wasting in Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

John Corzine, governor of New Jersey and Clinton superdelegate, says he might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama. But this is not unprecedented. He would not be the first governor of New Jersey to switch from a woman to a guy. (Jay Leno)

The Clintons disclosed their tax information and in eight years they have donated over $10 million to charity. Yeah, and, in addition to Charity, Bill has also donated to Tiffany, Bambi, Chrystal, Amber, Brandi and Roxanne. (Alex Kaseberg)

The military is spending $153 Million a month on fuel for the war in Iraq. That and $4 a gallon gas in the U.S. pretty much proves the government’s claim that we didn’t invade to keep oil prices down. (Jim Barach)

Here’s kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody’s around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it? (Jay Leno)

President Bush met with Vladimir Putin at the Russian leader’s heavily wooded retreat in the Black Sea resort of Sochi. Following a lavish state dinner, the two leaders joined a traditional folk dance backed by a chorus of Cossacks. The president thinks it will improve his popularity if he’s seen on Dancing with the Czars. (Argus Hamilton)

Atlanta, Newark, Philadelphia and New York now offer medical services at airport clinics, treating passengers with time to kill during layovers. Convenience plus. You can now score a quickie colonoscopy while they’re searching for your luggage (Bob Mills)

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices continue to climb Wednesday. The dwindling value of our currency helps run up the cost per barrel. There was a time when Americans thought that nothing was as valuable as the U.S. dollar, and today it is. (Argus Hamilton)

Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not — will not — accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him. (Jay Leno)

This month, the Pentagon will issue hand-held lie detectors to U.S. Army soldiers in Afghanistan. They costs $7500 each and are 60% accurate. Some people think it is a waste of money because we can use another device with 50% accuracy that’ll save us $7,499.75. Just flip a quarter. (Pedro Bartes)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-22-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. (Jay Leno)

So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)

So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women’s clothes? (Jay Leno)

President Bush is urging the American public to have patience with the economy. It’s taken him seven years to mess things up this much, so he needs a little more time to finish what he started. (Jim Barach)

President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we’ve made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can’t afford to lose any of that! (Jay Leno)

On pharmaceuticals being found in the water supplies of several cities: “Drug companies now want to charge a co-pay along with everyone’s monthly water bill. (Jim Barach)

The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take “In God We Trust” off the bill. The request came from God. (Jay Leno)

Colin Powell was presented with a birthday cake on the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. Candles in the shape of miniature rockets decorated the cake, and the plates bore photo reproductions of the slides he showed the U.N. proving there were weapons of mass destruction. Just as he was about to cut the cake it blew up in his face. (Scott Witt)

St. Paul, MINN — A bill is moving through the State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport mens rooms where they belong. (Bob Mills)

According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot. (Jay Leno)

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