Category Archives: Iraq

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It is always surprising how astute some politicians can be in assessing the political climate. This can be best demonstrated by Newt Gingrich’s amazingly accurate public prediction several months ago that, “John McCain has as much chance of winning the Republican nomination as the Giants have of winning the Super Bowl.” (Gill Ross & Stan Kegel)

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn’t get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich. (Jay Leno)

The Westminster Dog Show is tonight. Did you know the most popular dog this election year is named for the candidates as well the election? It’s the combination Bullmastif and Shih Tzu, that’s right: the Bull Shih Tzu. (Alex Kaseberg)

Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful. (Jay Leno)

Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens testified in a Congressional hearing today on his alleged use of steroids. He stated, “No one gave me shots anywhere on my body — no ifs, no ands, no butts.” (Jim Ertner)

Valentine’s Day chocolates are like congressmen — smooth outside, nuts inside. (Joe Hickman)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton (Pedro Bartes)

Shaquille O’Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O’Neal’s arrival in Phoenix with Valentine’s Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month. (Argus Hamilton)

Ron Paul says Republicans are acting “Too much like Democrats”. Which means they are actually starting to lose elections. (Jim Barach)

The US is preparing to shoot down one of its own satellites that is falling to Earth. When will this shot be heard around the world? I guess we’ll have to wait and read about it in the newspaper’s orbit-uary page. (Gary Hallock)

According to a British Tabloid, Heather Mills cheated on Paul McCartney for six month with a secret lover. Apparently, Heather had a leg on both relationships. (Pedro Bartes)

Man it is cold back East. It was so cold in Washington, Roger Clemens had to lie to congress about never having injected anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-09-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Today is the start of the Year of the Rat in the Chinese calendar. Congratulations to all the members of congress! (Pedro Bartes)

Once again there’s talk of printing political ads on toilet paper, but it won’t work because most Republicans can’t read and most Democrats don’t use toilet paper. (Scott Witt)

President Bush has become the first president to post his federal budget online and not print it. You can check it at http://www.WeAreAllScrewed.com. (Pedro Bartes)

Eli Manning led New York to Super Bowl victory Sunday a year after his brother Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for Indianapolis. The money is going to roll in now. By next week Archie Manning will be commanding higher stud fees than Secretariat. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says he has a lot in common with Ronald Reagan, mainly the Alzheimer. (Pedro Bartes)

Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy. (David Letterman)

A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures…. They’re not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want. (Jay Leno)

The New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated Tom Brady and the New England Patriots by winning Super Bowl XLII. Brady was later consoled by his supermodel girlfriend, who assured him that “this happens to lots of guys.” (Jake Novak)

Both the Republicans and the Democrats have competing growth packages. Let me tell you something, the only person with a growth package in this country that works — Barry Bonds. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is counting on carrying big cities where political machines prevail, expecting to get the dead man vote because he feels so close to them. (Scott Witt)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-02-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“60 Minutes” says Saddam Hussein faked having WMD to prevent an invasion from Iran. Well, he sure showed them. (Jim Barach)

Fox says they will not carry political ads during the Super Bowl telecast. The network says political ads should stay where they belong. Disguised as news stories on the Fox News Channel. (Jim Barach)

Exit polls showed that Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn’t cause any tension in their marriage. (Jay Leno)

President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It’s called “The Check Is In The Mail.” (Jay Leno)

There are rumors several writers might have crossed the picket line and started working again. The union suspects that only professional fiction writers could’ve written Bush’s last state of the union address. (Pedro Bartes)

Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life. (Jay Leno)

President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In our last year’s State of the Union speech, President Bush said, “The economy is on the move.” This year he said, “Where’d it go?” (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney … is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, “I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.” (Bill Maher)

The Herbal Nutrition Center in Los Angeles unveiled the world’s first marijuana vending machine Tuesday, which dispenses pot in an envelope after scanning the customer’s fingerprints and ID card. It’s controversial. This clearly discriminates against illegal immigrants in Los Angeles public schools. (Argus Hamilton)

Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, ‘the love seat’ (David Letterman)

Brijit.com is a new website that will condense magazine articles into a single paragraph for those who don’t have the time to read them in full. It was the idea of a guy who used to work at the White House removing the big words from Bush’s intelligence reports. (Bob Mills)

Have you heard this story? They’re trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don’t we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? ‘Crook,’ ‘liar,’ ‘adulterer,’ ‘pinhead,’ ‘moron,’ these are all gender-neutral. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the GOP presidential race Wednesday and no one can explain his lack of Republican support. It couldn’t be his Catholicism. With a trophy wife, gay friends, a pro-choice stance and warlike nature, he’s an Episcopalian in all but name. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman Steve Wexler collected two hundred thousand signatures Friday calling for impeachment hearings. It’s too late. We engaged in pre-emptive war, torture, kidnapping and illegal wiretapping, and history will show the only one who went to jail was Kiefer Sutherland. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-26-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody’s crazy about this. Don’t worry. George W. Bush says he’s got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn’t work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face. (David Letterman)

Once again there’s talk of printing political ads on toilet paper, but it won’t work because most Republicans can’t read and most Democrats don’t use toilet paper. (Scott Witt)

Osama bin Laden’s son announced today that he wants to be a peace activist. Talk about rebelling against your parents! (Craig Ferguson)

New research shows that flu germs can be transmitted via paper money. Fortunately for everybody, we have an administration that is doing anything they can to fight the flu by spreading poverty. (Pedro Bartes)

In response to a plummeting stock market, record unemployment and home mortgage foreclosures, spiraling gas prices and a sinking dollar, Bush predicts things will be “just fine” if Congress approves his $150 billion “stimulus package” which will provide taxpayer relief and a tax incentives for business investment. Pardon me, but isn’t this a little like the captain of the Titanic offering the passengers free swimming lessons? (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Logan and Britney Spears have been going out together every night to party. Actually it’s even worse than it sounds because Lindsay Lohan is their designated driver. (Conan O’Brien)

Oprah Winfrey is getting her own television network. It will be called OWN. The name comes from Oprah’s goal to own the entire country by 2012. (Jim Barach)

A right wing Christian evangelical group claims that Heath Ledger is now burning in hell for eternity for playing a homosexual in ‘Broke Back Mountain’ and is threatening to picket the Oscars to dramatize their moral disgust over film industry praise for the young actor. The pulpit pounders have also condemned Susanne Pleshette for playing Bob Newhart’s wife while everyone knew he was already married. (Bob Mills)

Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don’t really count. (Jay Leno)

A study in England says that children universally dislike clowns. However, millions of Americans usually vote for one every four years. (Jim Barach)

John McCain is counting on carrying big cities where political machines prevail, expecting to get the dead man vote because he feels so close to them. (Scott Witt)

Hillary and Bill Clinton’s attacks against Barack Obama are getting fiercer by the day, leading Americans to believe the best way to defeat the terrorism is to somehow convince Mrs. Clinton that al Qaeda is running against her in a primary. (Jake Novak)

During a service to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in Harlem, Bill Clinton was caught nodding off. He claimed later that like MLK he was also having a dream, but his involved, thongs, cigars and chubby interns. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet?… It’s kind of sad. The only thing standing between Fred and the White House — the American people. (Jay Leno)

Cuba held parliamentary elections throughout the island Sunday. There was only one name on the ballot in each district and no campaigning allowed. For the forty-ninth year Fidel Castro was unanimously elected president by a vote of one to nothing. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg met with Ross Perot’s former campaign manager. What’s his next move, a meeting with Ralph Nader’s wardrobe consultant? (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-05-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Iowa Caucuses are held tomorrow after a hard-fought campaign. Hollywood is watching very closely. When the Los Angeles Times headlined Monday that Hillary was in a three-way with Obama and Edwards, everyone here figured that turnabout is fair play. (Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal had a hat trick in a recent Heat game. He had a dunk, a blocked shot and an air ball from the free-throw line. (Dan Daly, Washington Times

On Russian President Vladimir Putin being chosen as Time magazine’s Person of the Year: Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who had no regard for civil rights, Gore said, “Been there, done that.” (Jim Barach)

Rudy Giuliani has decided to bypass Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, and put all his chips on the primary in Florida. Giuliani’s campaign must be in critical condition to opt for a triple bypass. (Patrick Gorse)

The Census Bureau says the U.S. will reach 303 million on January 1st. There will be a welcoming committee with prizes awaiting the landmark American as soon as they come across the border. (Jim Barach)

2008 predictions – February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping. (Andy Borowitz)

Contest officials in Texas disqualified a six-year old from winning a free trip to New York City to attend a Hanna Montana concert after her mom admitted helping the youngster write an essay claiming her dad was a casualty in Iraq. All is not lost, however. The girl has been hired to play a fake disaster victim at FEMA press conferences. (Bob Mills)

LINKS TO THE WEB

Lirty Dies: 2007 in Review

This is Hilarious if you like Spoonerisms

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-22-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The major issues in the upcoming presidential primaries is now clear. For the Democratic candidates, it is who has the support of the best entertainment celebrity, while for the Republicans, it is who has the support of God. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush said Monday the U. S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war against recession. Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children. (Joe Hickman)

‘Tis the season for Middle East peace talks. Unfortunately, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable. (Joe Hickman)

If I had to sum up our overly-entitled and lowered-standards society in one sentence it would be: Madonna is being inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It’s unprecedented. It’s the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Lieberman has endorsed John McCain for president. Of course, the Connecticut senator is from a different faith than others in Washington. He is bipartisan. (Alan Ray)

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Paris-Hilton-sex-video-partner Rick Salomon, two months after tying the knot. Gosh, if those two down-to-earth, stable kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have? (Alex Kaseberg)

Lynne Spears, Britney & Jamie Lee’s mother, had her book on parenting put on hold. The publisher decided it would be a safer bet to go with Lindsay Lohan’s book on safe driving. (Alex Kaseberg)

Die-hard Dallas Cowboy fans are blaming Tony Romo’s poor performance in their 10-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Romo’s squeeze, Jessica Simpson. That is silly. The only way Jessica could lose a game for the Cowboys was if Jessica tallied-up the official score. Let’s face it, if having wild sex with a hot blonde made you play really lousy football, than that would mean the Oakland Raiders are dating Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It’s ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they’ve got the upper hand in the strike talks. (Argus Hamilton)

American men are named the fourth-worst lovers in the world. Mostly because we still prefer to make war not love. (Pedro Bartes)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-15-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Bush administration is hammering out an agreement to freeze interest rates for five years on subprime mortgages to prevent foreclosures. Republicans are very concerned about losing their houses – specifically the White House and both Houses of Congress in the next election. (Jim Barach)

Michael Vick’s agent Leigh Steinberg expressed hope Tuesday that Mike Vick can return to the NFL after prison. The agent also represents Ricky Williams. Only the American voter can claim to have a worse record judging character than Leigh Steinberg. (Argus Hamilton)

Starbucks stores in Studio City and Sherman Oaks are considering a ban on Britney Spears because of all the commotion and disruption to their customers caused when she pops into their shops. They’ve put up a new sign,” No Shoes, No Shirt, No Underwear, No Service.” (Patrick Gorse)

In response to the controversy over the CIA’s waterboarding videotapes, President Bush reaffirmed his Administration’s opposition to videotaping. (Andy Borowitz)

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to perjury. He also says he wants to play in 2008. He may not be a Yankee, but he has a good chance of wearing stripes next year. (Jim Barach)

The Pope will visit Washington next April. His Holiness will meet with President Bush — and maybe get a few tips on that infallibility thing. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

There was a surprise in the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball; Due to their late-season collapse, Mitchell recommended that the New York Mets take more performance enhancing drugs. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jack Nicholson told an interviewer Monday he may have sired over nine thousand children due to his lecherous lifestyle in the last fifty years. It’s not that big a deal. He only hears from them when the Lakers are winning and they all want tickets. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-08-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to the latest numbers, our country’s national debt is growing by $1 million every minute. The Bush administration called its best economists and came up with a solution to save money: A 23-hour day. (Pedro Bartes)

December 7 is Pearl Harbor Day. Senator Ted Kennedy always commemorates the occasion in a fitting way. He goes out and gets bombed. (Alan Ray)

A man who claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, took hostages at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire and demanded to talk to Senator Clinton. This was the scariest time for Hillary since the night Bill mistakenly took Viagra instead of Lipitor. (Alex Kaseberg)

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G. O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate. “This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G. O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.” The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.” (Andy Borowitz)

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection for both his wife and his mistress seven years ago. He was sleeping with two women while recovering from prostate surgery. The Mitchell Report is expected to name sixty-four ballplayers and one mayor. (Argus Hamilton)

Porn star Mary Carey, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger, is auctioning off her autographed, recently removed breast implants. It is not an uncommon idea; boobs in politics have been on sale for years in congress, ask lobbyists… (Pedro Bartes)

Ted Kennedy has signed a deal to write his autobiography. Although Kennedy is a little sensitive about including the word “auto” in his “biography”. (Jim Barach)

The Pope, is purging all modern music from the Vatican. The Pope is especially adamant that the priests give up their two favorite bands Boyz II Men and the Backstreet Boys. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama during her speech in Iowa. The frontrunner is fading, the challenger can’t win, and the guys with all the talent can’t get any votes. This isn’t a presidential race, it’s the college football rankings. (Argus Hamilton)

On a feral cat which survived 19 days with its head stuck in a jar: That’s nothing. President Bush has survived living in a bubble since 2004. (Pedro Bartes)

New Jersey is preparing to scrap the death penalty next week. It makes sense, they’ve been outsourcing the death penalty to the private sector for years. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears again tops the list of the most frequent searches on Yahoo, but it’s not because she’s popular — it’s just that the confused performer keeps trying to find herself. (Scott Witt)

The government in Brazil is putting condom dispensing machines in public school restrooms to combat AIDS. If it works, it may be tried in the U.S., only they will be placed in the teachers’ lounge. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-01-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Washington D. C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can’t screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush left town Thursday for Christmas vacation. Of course, it’s a working vacation. He’ll have to write Santa Claus and encourage him to stay the course even though North Pole funding for Elf & Reindeer Health Care has been cut drastically. And just when Rudolph needs a nose transplant.It’ll cost a fortune… there are so few red nose donors. (Joe Hickman)

Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe has been approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” Absinthe was the liquor of choice among 19th century French Bohemians and is widely believed to have been a major contributor to Vincent Van Gogh’s decision to lop off his ear. However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Bob Mills)

Man it was raining hard in Los Angeles. How rainy was it? It was so rainy Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving her row boat under the influence. It was so rainy, Britney Spears had to put on her Burberry panties. It was so rainy even Paris Hilton was smart enough to come in out of the rain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Huge crowds jammed malls and stores on Black Friday. It’s not clear if the lines were filled by shoppers or foreclosed Americans looking to get out of the cold. (Jake Novak)

Stephen King told Nightline that if the Bush administration didn’t think waterboarding was torture, they should waterboard Jenna Bush. Jenna said that she has been waterboarded several times in the past, mostly at friend’s parties with beer bongs. (Pedro Bartes)

Detroit has been named the US’s most dangerous city; to which the city of Trenton, New Jersey cried as one: “Wait ’til next year.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-17-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The writers strike continues in Hollywood. Details are available, but
obviously, not written down. (Tim Hunter)

O. J. Simpson will stand trial for his Las Vegas hotel room break-in.
But the trial date is being delayed to accommodate the striking late-
night comedy writers. (Jake Novak)

Thanksgiving is next week. Historians say the early Pilgrims
celebrated the freedom to worship in their own way. And if anyone
disagreed with them, they were burned as witches. (Alan Ray)

“People” magazine has named Matt Damon as the sexiest man alive for
2007; and Larry King was named sexiest man nearly alive. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new poll shows that 50% of Americans oppose issuing a driver’s
license to illegal aliens, while 100% oppose issuing one to Britney
Spears. (Andy Borowitz)

Have you heard the Pakistani Miranda Oath? “You have the right to
beat up an attorney. If you don’t have time to beat up an attorney,
one will be beaten up for you.” (Patrick Gorse)

A peanut factory worker in Virginia was found dead under a pile of
peanuts. Apparently he died of shell shock. (Jim Barach)

“Wicked,” “Mamma Mia,” and “Rent” are among the hit Broadway shows
darkened by the Stagehands strike. Between the Stagehands Union and
the Writers Guild, there hasn’t been this many picketers on the Great
White Way since Giuliani threatened to impose a “hookers tax.” (Bob
Mills)

In the next debate, Democrats are going to focus on Hillary Clinton’s
support and then back- peddling on New York’s proposal to give
driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Even John Kerry said; “A
candidate can’t support an issue and then reverse their position. Oh
wait, yes they can. No, I was wrong, they can’t. Or can they?” (Alex
Kaseberg)

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