Category Archives: nonsense

THE ADONIS EFFECT

(A note: My absence from blogging has to do with my writing having gone indefinitely to the dogs. I dedicate this post to Gauri, who has no compunctions declaring her poor taste in public. After writing this, I feel a longer break from blogging (like a permanent one) would do wonders to my writing. Like killing it mercifully and sparing my long suffering readers.)

With my six pack abs threatening to break out any time now (definitely before we see another Communist Chief Minister for West Bengal), I am in imminent and eminent danger of getting kidnapped by some amorous babe.
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Why do I think so, you ask, with an incredulous look crossing your pie-face?
Well, for one, Nature is telling me that. The street dogs that are chasing me these days are all female. I have ways to tell that, and I am not telling. Some incredibly attractive and slim chicks recently propositioned me on Southern Avenue during some of my evening walks, but I heard later that they were all shemale prostitutes. Sigh, what is this world coming to?
And this Italian gymnast: did I tell you about her?
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This Italiano was all gaga over me, mamma mia, and even made a CD for me, professing her eternal love. Included were pictures of her in positions that can politely be referred to as contortionately promising (or compromisingly torsionate, whatever). I, to my internal regret, rejected this cd rom-antic proposition. If you looked at her postures you would think she would never break a bone because of a singular lack of visible osseous tissue, but this rejection surprisingly broke her heart.
This led me to mull over why women find certain men irresistible, and I have found some factors, based on several randomised double-blind* trials (and tribulations).
*both parties in love being blind.

1. Clean navel: I have a sinking feeling that this is a mandatory requirement in the days when women don’t think twice before drifting caudally in their own pleasure seeking trails. A tatooed belly button would take you to new depths of a relationship, surely.
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Even collected lint looks distinctly better in the dark when offset in the backdrop of a splendid tatoo. Not to talk of the taste: not Lindt, at any rate!

2. Seat, not suit: You think the ladies feel a thrill learning how much you splurged on yourself for that striped suit that looks like the ones prisoners proudly wear to the marriage party when their jailor’s ugly and visibly pregnant daughter gets packed off to one of them (always keep your sentences short and clear, as well)? Women want to see you buy things for them, not for yourself. Also, they prefer to see some stuffing in the body part where men land when they have disputes in public beer bars. Such stuffing, apart from arousing some romantic notions of horse-borne knights, also reassure them that the prospective victim is of reasonable physical and financial well-being.

3. The Collar of Money: Wear a crisp shirt, but if your collar lacks the stiffness outstandingly evident in the Aussie upper lip post the non-racist diurnal attacks on Indian students, your appeal will not be sticking its neck out for attention. And if you think the ‘Collar of Money’ is green, you must be an Oriya.

4. Waist not, want not: It is a common sight to see a man with a bulging waist strung together by a strip of leather. Now, this will just not do, unless your woman is similarly predisposed, with the rewards of a thousand desserts tucked under the petticoat. Slim is in, in more ways than you can reckon.

5. Inwaist wisely: Now that the bulls are on the ramp-age, you have to know more about the correct inwaistment.
When I was more younger, I was taught that women like a bulge above the waist line. I spent the better part of my youth pursuing ways to buttress my aging middle. It was only much later that I realised that the required bulging had to be below the waist line. I tried carrying a lot of visiting cards in my wallet to create the effect before I actually understood the exact location of the prescribed prominence (I know, finally, why my hydrocele patients often sport nice looking wives).
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Now, in my advisory capacity of Master of Love Affairs (MLA), I do better. After all, a Master better. Do better. You know what I mean.

6. Tie Tonic: If you want to attract a girl with a sense of humor, all you need to do is to wear your best ties
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and look for the one sinking on the floor, hysterically pointing fingers at you and choking on her words. Trust me, this kind of girl (and you may find many) will talk to you when you approach her.
7. Pocket Appeal: Keep at least three pens in your shirt pocket.
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At least one of them should have a torch or camera in it, and should stand out in prominence. This is primal body signal to available women that you have a large pen. You know, a large pen is always useful.
Though it may dig a hole in your pocket sometimes.

8. Check Mate: Wearing large multi-colored checks on your shirt is a clear signal that you are looking for a check-mate in life with your Queen. It is a different thing that the girl may be looking for a different kind of check from her mate, or she may actually be a different kind of Queen.

9. Sole-mate: If you can’t meet her expectations of being a check mate, at least wear large shoes. So that when you open them, she can see that they are very large.
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Chances are she thinks other parts of you are comparably large. If she is bitterly disappointed later on, tell her to “lump it“, or “go sue, Sue!” If you are one of those awesome lispers, chances are you won’t be missunderstood.
10. You tell us: what thing in a man turns him into an Adonis in your eyes?

(pictures from Google Images. Credits missed this time, sorry.)

BLOG BAZAAR CHAOS (BBC)

In one of those infinitely crazy moments that have always exemplified His Non-existence, the Great God overseeing the Virtual World (Webramha) decided to amuse himself by putting together a bunch of virtual people and getting them to interact with each other, with each taking up the last thread of a mad conversation. Some of these folk may resemble familiar people, but you alone are responsible for assuming any resemblance. The following is the excerpt from the BBC WordPress Report.

Dirtymindoc: Hi, gays, I mean guys! How are you feelin’? Heh, heh, if you know what I mean? My old girlfriends always had hard feelings for me, you know?
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: I had a late night thought: do feelings go through your hands and mind at the same time? And if my Hand’s feelings are due to Hormones, are my Mind’s feelings due of Mormones?
Dirtymindoc: Yes, more moans, Pal! That is our religion.
Kool Karni Nita: In India, according to the last Special Committee on Religions Report, there are more than 743 of them. Of this, there are 733 variations of Hinduism.
Flabbydoc: There are 733 variations of the push-up. Would you like to see one where I keep the scapula protracted?
Dirtymindoc: Interesting. Can you keep your scapula protracted when you are, you know, pushed up? Heh, heh!
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: I had a late night thought: Can Don do push-ups?
Kreema: I saw Don 23 times and blogged about it 24 times. Did you read them, ki na?
Litterabuse: I have don something akin to it 42 times. :-p
Shefolly: Why did Michelle Obama smiley at the Queen? Read my latest blog post over at my other blog. Just make sure you are wearing a tie. And please don’t go beyond smiling.
Flabbydoc: Smiling is an aerobic exercise. As research has shown us again and again, it is anerobic exercise which can burn fat in 7 days. I challenge you to smile intensely for 7 days and see the difference.
See-smut: It was the difference that caught her eye. He was so strikingly unsmiling. She thought, a warm summer breeze would freeze near him. The river stood silently beside her. Brooding. Grim. Cold.
Shefolly: It is cold in London today, as brilliantly shown in Penniless Dope’s latest blog post. However, many (less intelligent, hélas!) deny this, while the Pope….
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: The Pope is (according to the Authority on Authoritarians) God’s Weapon of Mass Distortion. I had a late night thought: is Distortion of Reality part of Reality or a part of Distortion?
Cracked Nippil: You get Distortion of Reality if you drink too little beer. I would normally drink real fucking beer back home, not the kind of donkey piss that I am forced to have now that I am stranded in Mumbai with a stacked chick and that I am suffering from what my fucking doctor calls as ‘Nippil Distortion, that perverted jerk!
Kreema: Distortion was one of my exam questions this year. As you know, I am one of the most awarded bloggers in here. I even did an award-winning tag on ” Eighty Distorted Things in My Life” where I had 127 smileys in the main post and 289 of them in the 66 comments that followed.
Kool Karni Nita: Me too don’t like too many comments. That is why I have made a limit of 15,000 comments for each post. That way, I don’t have to answer too many comments, and I get more time to devote to my hubby and my freelance work.
Dirtymindoc: Yeah, I like ‘free lance‘. Heh, heh!
Rada: He…he… he was actually trying to touch my feet, imagine that!! Thinking he could get pubbed in Dishypundit, but am so not into all this, you know?! I was with my daughter when this…
Danish Bobby : You know, my daughter asked me, “If you get free speech in the US, where do you get a free lunch?”
Shocki: It was a free lunch where Kavita met him. His manly looks instantly got her attention, but it was when he smiled that her heart went fluttering. Subconsciously, she fingered her wedding ring, while the baby in her belly gave her a smart kick. Choking her tears, she looked away.
Flabbydoc: Looking away is a great way of exercising the sternomastoid muscle. If you really want to develop six packs in the neck, you must look away and up, and hold it for ten seconds. Repeat a hundred times in one set, and four sets of this will give you great results in a few years. But you will look different (though in a weird direction)!
God: I am the One giving Directions here. Cut (the freakin’ crap)!

UNWISE VICE-CRACKS

So this patient of mine (and it was a tough day, lemme tell ya) is asking me in my Outpatient Department room, “So, Doctor, when you say drink a lot of water, why do you say that?”
Me: “Because it is getting hot, and you would lose a lot of fluids from your body.”
Patient: “And how much should I drink?”
Me (increasingly restless with the thought of more such specimen waiting outside): “Around 5 liters…”
Patient: “Should I drink all of 5 liters in the morning?”
Me: “Yes, definitely, if you can. But remember, if you do so, you should NOT drink any more water for the rest of the day.”
Patient (in auto-TV reporter mode): “And how should I drink this?”
Me: “By chewing every mouthful of water properly. Every time.”
There is a class of patient (usually the relative of one) who is born to be a TV reporter. One patient’s husband asked me questions like, “How do you know this doctor (the referring physician)?”, “Where did you study?”, “Are you a South Indian?” and even about my physical lackings (you know how people in India think you have TB if you are looking thinner and ask, “You have become so thin. You used to be more healthy in the past. Why is that?”). To this last question, my patience (not my patients, though) ran out and I said crisply, “Because camel’s milk, which I love to drink, is not available in the stores any more. Can you get me some?”
Then there are patients’ relatives whose stories would need blog posts in their own merit, so honorably funny they were.
Have you encountered the reporter types in the past?

BROWNIAN THOUGHTS

* Since I have not given you (much beloved) people much food for thought, I am posting a couple of totally random and erratic (therefore Brownian) thoughts so that you can use it as a bailout plan for your mental retardation brought about by listening to news readers, political leaders like Mr. Obama, Mr. Karat, Mr. V Gandhi, Mr. Everybody, and also the intensely silly statements issued by whothefugisthis starlets in your local newspaper supplement (“I have a glass of carrot juice and an apple for breakfast, I love Gucci shoes and Ermenegildo Zegna ties for my boyfriend, and I MUST shop for them when I tour abroad for my shoes shows”, etc.)

*A man who remembers everything from age five is said to be suffering from hyperthymestia, a rare disease affecting only four other people, who remember every crap they took in life. What a life, and what a disease to have, poor things! It is better to sustain some related affective disorder of the brain. Like gynecomestia, something I have. Not gynecomastia (which means male breasts-something I, er, don’t have, and which many women find sexy), but with an ‘e’. Extract from Wonkipedia: “A disorder, exclusively affecting heterosexual males, where they remember every girl they have loved and not loved, married and not married…” These dudes are always seen to be having retrograde ejaculation, which means they are making exclamation remarks about some girl or the other they remember from the long post past at any given point in time. Of course, doctors know retrograde ejaculation to mean something else, but who cares for doctors, ejaculating or otherwise?

*** I could blog more frequently if I could write on fitness and health issues, but I respect my readers’ preferences for my inane barley-water humor, and I refrain from inflicting my views and experiences of things like the Glute Ham Raise. Whatever. Would you like that? I can hear the dismay already!

**** Update: I have created a new health/fitness blog: the name is (cringe) “six pack doc”. I am truly sorry, but the deed has been done in a moment of madness.

THE LINES OF HADES

After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

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(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

GOODBYE, WORLD!

No, don’t have a heart attack, I am not bidding a piqued adieu, this year-end, to the world.
I am telling you about how scientists envisage the end of the world.
Read this article for details.

1. Dr. Ray Jayawardhana, Canada Research Chair in Observational Astrophysics at the University of Toronto, explains what will happen when the expanding sun engulfs the earth and roasts the planet.

2. Dr. Vicki Kaspi, a Professor of Physics at McGill University, explores the irradiating effects of a giant gamma ray burst.

3. Dr. Laura Ferrarese, a Senior Researcher at the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, suggests that a rogue black hole may set its voracious appetite on Earth.

4. Dr. Peter Brown, a researcher with the Meteor Physics Group at the University of Western Ontario, tells us what will happen if a giant asteroid plunges into Earth and pulverizes us.

5. Dr. Richard Peltier, Director of the Centre for Global Change Science at the University of Toronto, has a chilling scenario: the earth becomes a Popsicle planet and puts a freeze on photosynthesis.

I am simply amazed at the level of their imagination. They need to eat some Punjabi tandoori food to give them some fire in the belly and some material for fermentation.

How about we try our own list of how the earth will meet its end:

1. The Chinese take a monopoly position in the toothpaste market. The toothpaste contains radioactive poisons that cause destruction of the teeth and gums of the entire populace. The resulting misery leads to an inability to eat, in spite of the world having overcome the subprime crisis, Keynesian bailout economics and the Pakistani hallucinatory crisis, among others, and having a food surplus to boot (no pun intended). Hunger destroys the planet.

2. Manmohan Uncle becomes Indian Prime Minister again. In an ambitious move to make his own name immortal, he launches an ambitious campaign to make crow the international food of the world. He succeeds. The world eats these every day, and everyone dies of diarrheal diseases or drowning. Bird flu gets eradicated because there are no birds, only birdbrains.

3. Shah Rukh Khan gets an Oscar for Best Actor, and most of the world dies by choking while laughing hysterically. Upon hearing about the award to the undisputed Numb-er One , Aamir Khan gets convulsions while doing his 1000th decline push-up, slips down and drowns in his own sweat, but forgets to die.

4. Barack Obama is caught in a double sting–smoking and using bad English during an off-the-record interview with the New York Times for an article quoting “highly placed sources in the White House” on how Hillary Clinton is power-obsessed and a control freak. The world gets a cerebral hemorrhage. US citizens, now enjoying the benefits of ‘free’ medicine, are all living in hospitals. They get strokes, too, but don’t die because they are kept indefinitely on life support. It’s free, after all!

5. You tell the rest of us how you think the world is going to end. Or say something vacuous and irrelevant, like a Minister. This season, you are forgiven for everything. Even for bad blogging.

TWEETING, TWITTING, SHI…. SAME DIFFERENCE?

I am using this post to publish some random thoughts that wouldn’t fit in any other category than ‘random thoughts’. So I thought I would post them like people do in Twitter, a site that proves once again that the greatest and most successful inventions these days have to be the most apparently useless ones. Okay, enough to ‘provocate’ (which is, you might agree, a much more ‘punchy’ word than ‘provoke’) Twitterers (or whatever they are called).

But, first, the soft sell: follow me at Twitter.

Here are my random thoughts of the day (without the 140 character limits):

Dell Computers are taking $99 from customers if they want local American voices answering their phone calls. It would be better to ask them to pay $999, and give them an iMac or something. Do Dell computers really work? Can you give me the serial number of the one that does?

Arun Shourie wants to take out Pakistan, Bush-style: “Two eyes for one, whole jaw for a tooth”. What say we send him and Sunny Deol to take out the LeT camps across the border?

A patient of mine who needed surgery for gallstones tells me, “I don’t want to take the risk of surgery, I want some medicines”. To which I replied, “You know what, that is like me saying the stock market is too risky, I am investing all my money in lottery tickets these days!”

Pre-payment penalties for home loans are going to go, says the Economic Times. Now that Mr. Chidambaram is Home Minister, we will face payment penalties if we pay the home loans. Home loan waivers, as Ramesh Shrivats said, are the way to go!

Pranab Mukherjee had a hacking cough while gargling away the smell of the Hilsa fish he had for lunch. The Pakistanis immediately readied their army for war. You see, when he speaks English threatening dire consequences, they think he is just gargling, and vice versa.

Now I need to get back to work.